r/Advice • u/Long_Illustrator_216 • 4d ago
My husband’s friend asked to move in with us…
UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM:
A friend of my husband’s asked if he (29M) & his daughter (4F) could temporarily move in with my husband (31M) & I (29F) for a few months (he said no more than 6 months). This friend only has his child 50% of the time due to an agreement he has with his ex. This friend is one of my husband’s best friends. He stated that he is strapped very thin for cash as of late with starting his new job. He asked if we would be willing to take him in for the next few months while he gets back on his feet. Before anyone asks, he has no history of substance abuse & yes, he has family in the area. So with him asking us, I know he has considered every other option, even family, before asking us. He has offered to help out with expenses, groceries, house projects, etc., which would help us out as we continue some small renovations. My husband asked me if we could take them in & without hesitating, I said absolutely, because they are family & we help out family in need. We live in a decent sized house with 2 extra bedrooms that aren’t currently occupied, no kids yet, have one dog & have plenty of land.
I’m not asking people to talk me out of this as we are going to help him out, but what I am looking for advice on is: what types of rules or boundaries should we have/put in place? I’m not saying we don’t trust him, but I want us to take every precaution taking in a friend who is having money troubles & is struggling.
So far I have thought of: if this starts to affect our marriage, he’s out since our marriage comes first; getting written permission from the child’s mother for her to live with us part time (I used to work for Child Services & don’t need an angry parent coming after me or my husband); locking up all valuables in our safe; locking away firearms due to a child being in the house; allowing his GF over to hangout but not to sleepover since we don’t know her & we have firearms/valuables in the house—plus not giving our house code or key to anyone; but that’s all I can think of at the moment.
My husband has been busy helping out a family member the last few days with some house projects so we haven’t had time to discuss in detail any of the specifics yet, like how much rent will be, what will household chores look like, what looking after his child will look, etc. I want to be prepared with ideas for the conversation with my husband when he gets home & for later on, the conversation with the friend who wants to move in. I want to have a strong sense of rules, boundaries & expectations to present him with.
Any thoughts or ideas you all may have would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance!
UPDATE: thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, suggestions, etc. the positive & the negative ones. They are all super helpful! I feel like I should add a few things:
•He & his ex do not have a legal custody agreement. They have had 50/50 custody since they split 3 years ago with no issues, but that is why I said I wanted her approval for her daughter to live here, since there’s nothing legally binding. •He has a stable job. In the 5-6 years I’ve known him, he’s worked 2 places. He has never had these money issues before but this new job doesn’t pay as much & he knew that going into it. •He currently has a place to live & is living there. We could help him out with his rent & that is something I will discuss with my husband. •I will 100% be asking him why he can’t stay with family & based on his response will dictate if we actually let him stay or not. Y’all are right about it being a red flag if family won’t take him in. But honestly, in the years I’ve known him, I would say it’s more so his family that is the problem, not him. •He & his daughter will have separate bedrooms located on our second floor & will use the second floor bathroom. •We are going to draw up a lease/agreement with a HARD end date along with a 30 day notice clause stating that any of us can end the agreement, which gives him 30 days to leave. •People said if we have this many rules, he won’t want to stay. Okay fine, don’t stay lol. He asked us & we said yes. If he can’t agree to sign our agreement, he doesn’t need someplace to stay that bad. •Groceries will be paid for separately. •Chores will be enforced. •I will NOT be a babysitter. If I offer to watch her, that is one thing but he will remain her sole caretaker when she is here. •There will be no overnight guests whatsoever. This will help break up his nights spent here. I know he will want to go to his girlfriends & spend the night. This will break up his days long streak of staying over. Plus we have ring cameras that record when people come in & out.
I feel like there’s more but that’s all I have for now. I have read all of your comments & suggestions even if I haven’t responded. I have written sooo many of them down & plan on presenting my list of worries & expectations to my husband. We will come up with an agreement together based off of this list you all helped me create. Then we will meet with our friend & talk everything over & very clearly lay out our expectations. I’ll keep yall posted. Thank you again, so much!
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u/Emotional_Bonus_934 4d ago
Definitely he's the one responsible for his child, unless he's helping with home renovations, which would ideally take place when kid is with mom.
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u/x3lilbopeep 4d ago
This is a big one
No running to the store real quick while you or husband are home because surely you'll watch (kid).
You two are not babysitters.
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u/Big_Seaworthiness948 4d ago
And if the kid wakes up before Dad does and you or hubby are already awake then Dad needs to wake up and take care of the kid. We let some friends stay with us for a few months and their 4 year old would wake up on a Saturday morning, come into the kitchen and expect me to make his breakfast. I didn't mind once in a while but it got old really fast when it was every weekend.
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u/Medical-Aide5586 4d ago
agreed - having to entertain/watch kiddo while dad slept in would quickly grow old.
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u/Wild_Ticket1413 Helper [2] 4d ago
Look into the squatter's rights laws in your area and possibly consult an attorney. Definitely have him sign a lease or written agreement. Without it, if he stays for any amount of time, he can claim established residency, and you may be unable to evict him.
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u/TheStandardFF 4d ago
It wouldn’t be unable to evict; it would just be that they have to drag him through court to do so, which is a pain in the ass. A judge would quickly do so, seeing as he has no ownership of the property, is not paying, etc., but would still take time.
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u/Grandpa_Is_Slowww 4d ago
If it's within your budget, pay a lawyer to draw up the agreement. They will know how to word it so that you can evict "if it starts to affect your marriage"; an internet standard lease probably won't cover that potential issue. And the nicest of friends can take advantage when they're short of money--situational ethics, rationalizing it's what they have to do to keep their child safe.
Discuss in detail who's preparing food for whom, who is doing dishes and when--sometimes a roomie will be on dish duty & say "yeah, tomorrow" & put it off until you do it yourself!
Bless for for taking this on, but try to protect yourself as best you can.
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u/OldAssistant7964 Helper [4] 4d ago
Everything in writing beforehand about him being a temporary visitor at your home. Not a tenant, not a renter - a visitor.
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u/Vivid-Individual5968 4d ago
In some states, that doesn’t matter. A longer than 30 day continuous stay means they are a tenant and have rights. You’d have to formally (go to court) to get them out.
Better to prepare a short term lease exactly spelling everything out and what the date is he needs to be out by.
Got burned by allowing a close family member to stay in my house for “a couple weeks,” which turned into six months. Then she refused to leave.
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u/dev-246 Expert Advice Giver [15] 4d ago
In many/most places a lease is still valid even if the rent is $0.
I agree there needs to be a short term lease.
if it starts to effect our marriage, he’s out
It might be difficult to write this into the lease, or enforce this if things go south, just a consideration!
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u/Kdiesiel311 4d ago
My dad has housed a few “friends” over the years. Always rent free cause of situations like this. He had to kick one guy out. Guy tried to say he gets 30 days. Cops come. Ask my dad how much he’s contributed to rent or any utility. My dad says not $1. Cops said get the fuck right now
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u/1000thatbeyotch Helper [2] 4d ago
Your bedroom and bathroom should be off-limits. Parking should be discussed. Curfews or quiet hours need to be in place.
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u/RainInTheWoods Expert Advice Giver [12] 4d ago
Sign a lease with him. In 6 months he is out. Write out house rules with the (written) agreement that they will be revisited and changed as needed.
Who cleans the house now? You will be cleaning his hair out of the sink and the pee off the toilet seat. Figure this out in advance. If you usually do the house cleaning, set up a schedule with him to clean the whole house. If not, then he has the advantage of hotel maid service and you and/or your husband will be the maid. It’s easy to assume that he is a grown man and can handle being clean. I would not make this assumption. Not at all.
What happens if the child breaks something valuable? Write down the agreement.
No pets.
Who does laundry for him and his daughter? I suggest giving him one day a week that is just his for doing all of his laundry. Make a rule that laundry is not left in the washer or dryer overnight. Write it down. He puts laundry in the washer and leaves for the day with his GF. You planned to do laundry that day. You either delay your plans or you finish his laundry for him. See how easy it was to get you to do his laundry? Write it down.
It will be equally easy to get you to be the babysitter because you’re nice.
help with groceries
He isn’t “helping” with groceries. He is self supporting himself and his daughter.
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
Oooo these are good too. I definitely will be letting him know that childcare is 100% on him. Pick ups, drop offs, etc. unless we offer to watch her for a period of time.
I didn’t even think to add no pets. That’s so smart! He doesn’t have any, but that’s a great suggestion. Same with the laundry. I didn’t even think of that. If he’s doing laundry, don’t leave it in the washer or dryer, if you aren’t going to fold it, put it in your room.
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u/Dazzling-Being-6080 4d ago
You’re doing the right thing letting him stay with you. You’re trusting he will do the right thing. Trust is scary bc you’re putting you & your husband at risk of being screwed over but hoping you know this guy enough to know he wouldn’t do that to you. It makes sense to want to make a contract so you feel more in control of the situation - but - just be aware all these rules and regulations seem more transactional and might ruin the friendship as he may feel micromanaged. Personally I would just tell him basic house rules and what you’re expecting him to cover financially like groceries/ utitlites. For example basic house rules include: quiet hours or like raininwoods suggest a laundry day. But getting into the finer details could make him feel unwelcome
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u/RainInTheWoods Expert Advice Giver [12] 4d ago
Him: I want to run to the store but my daughter is napping.
You: We can watch your child for a few minutes.
He leaves, then he goes to another store and another. Then he’s hungry so he grabs lunch out. Says he ran into a friend that he hadn’t seen for a while so they went for a beer. You’ve called him, but no answer. Six hours later he comes home from the “run to the store,” apologizes, tells you he left his phone in the car…for six hours…and in his mind there is no problem since you were planning to be home all day anyway.
Get ready for this.
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u/TheRealMemonty 4d ago
Don't do it. He will never leave, and you as the female will end up in charge of child care. F*** that!
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u/Buckeyebean 4d ago
Benjamin Franklin said it best Guests like fish, go bad after 3 days. I understand your husband wanting to help a friend. Very often friendships end badly after temporary roomate situation. Perhaps a monetary gift to help his friend through a difficult time.
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u/Dachshundmom5 Master Advice Giver [20] 4d ago edited 4d ago
Get a lease. You can find generic ones online. This sets financial expectations and a set end date. It can be as simple as a flat rate of 300 for rent and 200 for utilities, and it is due on whatever day.
Also, you and your husband need to be realistic that once he is a resident there, you can't just kick him out if it becomes a problem. He will have legal rights. You would have to evict him if he enforced them. I know he is your friend, and you hope/assume he won't, but he is down on his luck, and desperate times result in unexpected action. So, you and your husband need to prepare for what you will do to protect your marriage and property in the event things do not go as planned.
Medications also need to be locked up. You can get small safes that fit under the counter in a bathroom, but it's best to be safe.
If there is alcohol, it needs to be contained away from the kiddo.
If you and your husband have food that you would prefer to be off limits, specify that. For instance, my mom keeps a bag of baby Ruth snack sized bars in her cabinet. They are her sweet treat guilty pleasure, and no one else's touches them. My sons each have a snack that is their preferred snack and its hands off. It's a small thing,but you would be surprised how annoyed/upset one can get if it has been a hard week and just really want that chip or candy with some Netflix and find that it is gone.
Division of household labor. Washing dishes, bathroom cleaning, maintaining the shared living spaces, etc. Each of you does the dishes 2 times a week and rotates the 7th day. Does he have his own bathroom? Is there a shared powder room. Are shoes allowed in all areas of your home? How does laundry work?
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
These are such amazing suggestions! Thank you! Yes, he & his daughter will share the upstairs bathroom. Our main floor bathroom is unfortunately our only bathroom on the main floor as my husband & I don’t have a true “master”. But that’s our main bathroom. He will be told to use the upstairs as frequently as possible unless just to pee quick & whatnot.
All of your other questions at the bottom are super helpful!
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 4d ago
I would also have a no guests rule. Since it isn't his home he can't invite anyone to come over. Not a friend of his and not a friend of his daughter. He may be fine but if he has a friend who is a thief you will find things start to go missing. If a kid comes over to visit and breaks things is he going to pay for the damage? If a kid comes over to visit and runs outside and into the street and gets hit by a car the parents of that kid will sue you. If in the US the health insurance and home owners policies of those parents will sue you.
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u/Sorry_Satisfaction16 4d ago
I don’t have much to add to the list but would say world is a better place cos of ppl like you and your husband… he is lucky to have you both .. !
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
This means a lot, thank you. I have read a lot of comments saying we are making a mistake, but that’s why I’m asking for advice. I plan on saying right from the get go that arrangements like this have a habit of ending friendships & that we don’t want to do that, so having him sign a lease with clear expectations will help avoid some issues.
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u/sallysuesmith1 4d ago
I wouldn’t charge rent, he’s asking for housing due to financial issues. Contribute to gas, electric, sewer, water, and he takes care of all his own expenses. He’s offered to help around the house, have him do that as well as being responsible for cleaning his own bedroom, bathroom, etc.
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u/mrsmiley32 4d ago
I had a buddy and his girlfriend move in with me and my wife for a year. It was fantastic but they cleaned up after themselves and kept to themselves so they weren't in our business all the time.
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4d ago
I can’t think of anything that hasn’t already been suggested, just wanted to piggy back off of the comment you replied to. You and your Husband seem like really good people, that anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. Reddit usually makes me overly cynical, so I think I might end today’s scrolling on a high note!
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u/Grouchy_Document_856 4d ago
Right and 90% of the time they get taken advantage of. No good deed goes unpunished!!
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u/bigpoppanick09 4d ago
Talk about any money that is supposed to change hands. Get it set in stone. Ever a conversation about it, refer back to whatever agreement you have. Don't argue, about money, and make sure everyone is clear on and understand expectations all around. Nothing makes you lose friends faster than money. Good luck.
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u/UnusualAd8875 4d ago
I have taken homeless* people in sporadically for over three decades...usually only a few weeks or months but I now have someone who has been here nearly three years and likely will be for good until one of us dies or as I like to joke, unless one of us kills the other in our sleep...it is neither romantic or sexual and we sleep in separate rooms.
I have all my credit cards, checkbooks, valuables and firearms locked up in my off-site office. (I have balanced my checkbook at work for years so all of that has been there for a long time.)
The basic rules are to clean up after oneself and as far as rent and expenses, because of the situation (I don't think my roommate will be able to hold a job again), I pay for everything, except for a nominal sum for an EBT card which will be ending shortly (due to changes ushered in by the administration). And no street drugs. My roommate is working to reduce reliance upon an opioid that was prescribed for pain relief a number of years ago.
*It has always been someone I have known on some level previous to staying with, not a person pushing a shopping cart altho' I met a man like that who wanted to move in last year. I paid a few nights to extend his stay at a crappy motel and gave him a little cash.
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u/anothersunnydayplz Helper [2] 4d ago
My friend just took in her friend and daughter and it’s going well. My BIL once stayed for three weeks and it went well because he on his own would do the dishes, for example, which helped. Just make sure your boundaries are very clear. If my husbands bestie wanted to stay I, again for example, would tell my hubby straight out there would be no drinking into the late nights every night. I know how that friend is. He wouldn’t be respectful and so I probably would say no to him. It sounds like you’ve thought it out.
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u/Kit_Biggz 4d ago
There needs to be a hard cut off date. When he needs to move out. Talk it over with yourselves and no budging on this.
No hard feelings because everyone knows this date is coming up.
It's nice to have guest but they need to leave and let you get back to your normal life eventually.
If he moves out early great.
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u/Designer_Addendum_37 4d ago
Up to you...but life is long. This could lead to a lifelong commitment, so tread lightly. These situations are hard to explain to a younger person with a lot of energy and goodwill. Do what you can, but protect yourself, that's my best hope for you.
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u/BrightOwl926 4d ago
I guess I’m hormonal!
What you said was so simple and true …yet sad at the same time!
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u/Frolicking-Fox Helper [2] 4d ago
Make sure to set boundaries and expectations, whatever those might be for you. Give a clear guideline of what you expect. If he starts pushing those boundaries, make sure to keep him in line.
These kind of situations can go both ways. I havr dealt with both of them. You could have a great friend who recognizes what you are doing for him and is forever grateful, or this could end a friendship and at worse take an eviction.
I would say as long as you tell him your expectations and make sure he sticks to them, you will be fine.
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
Thank you! This is one of the few positive comments on here. Not that I’m naive enough to not see the truth & reality of the negative ones. Thank you for sharing your experiences, the good & the bad. I’m hoping for the best & trying to prepare for the worst.
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u/Frolicking-Fox Helper [2] 4d ago
Yeah, talk with your husband first. Run by all the things you want to happen. Once you are agreed, talk with the friend about it too.
Explain that you are putting your house, your family, and your friendship on the line by allowing him to live there, so you expect everything to be respected.
The fact he has a job is a good sign. If he has consistent income and work history, it would make me feel better about the move in. The fact that he is active in his daughter's life and isn't a deadbeat, also points to good character. He has to work if he has a daughter to support.
And remember that having more people means more electricity use. Tell them to turn off lights and TVs when not in use. Your electric bill could easily double if gone unchecked. It is also a good test to see how well he remembers to do something you asked.
If things start going bad, don't wait for it to build up. Talk to him immediately, if it improves, great! If not, ask him to look for another place.
I think you will be alright.
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u/Maps44N123W 4d ago
Write everything out on paper, and also have the discussion about what moving out looks like AHEAD of time. Write it down. Write down the procedure for what happens if you ask him to leave. If he’s a dear friend it almost certainly won’t come to that worst case scenario, but on the off chance you do have to ask him to leave before he’s ready, having already discussed what will happen will save everyone a lot of heartache. (I.e., “we will allow you 30 days (or whatever) to find a new place as a courtesy to our friendship, and if you aren’t able to move out by that date, then X,Y,Z will happen).
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u/HeartAccording5241 Helper [3] 4d ago
No going into your room clean after himself and kid having people over you don’t know
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u/Sad_Source3052 4d ago
Whatever rules you imply make a contract that you both sign. So if something happens you can always go back to that and make sure there is something in there about the possibility to get him out of your house if he doesn't follow the rules.
A set time is probably also a good idea, maybe if he says 6 months that you say 8 in the contract so there is a bit of lenient space but without that it could become a year or more.
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u/Im_at_work_kk 4d ago
Saying yes to something like this without hesitation? There's no way to anticipate the many things that can go wrong. Lots of work and humongous risks for next to no return. You're good and kind, and I applaud that.
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
I’m not trying to toot my own horn by any means, I was just raised this way. Honestly, there’s family that I would turn down & friends I’d take in. So I do trust him, but I want firm boundaries & even a written agreement in place to keep the friendship there. A lot of these things go sideways & I’m not blind to that, but I think by creating firm boundaries & a written agreement & preparing for the worst, we can have this go relatively smoothly. Both of my parents are retired law enforcement too & I also work in law enforcement so I have a lot of things running through my head on what to prepare for & watch out for.
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u/fearless1025 4d ago
Everything needs to be in writing. You'll need to be prepared to evict him should it go long or as you said start to interfere with your marriage. That's not really a measurable component to evict someone by but usually if they fail in one area they fail in multiple areas. Hopefully they won't. It's very kind of you and the right thing to do. Be very clear on who pays the overage on the electric, if there is sharing of food or needs to be separate, access to common items in the refrigerator, guidelines for the girlfriend, and him, and the child. It may strain the relationship with your husband and his friend if it does not go well, but at least give it a try. ✌🏽
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u/Sweet3DIrish 4d ago
Write out a contract and have all parties sign it and I would consider getting it notorized.
Definitely set a hard move out date.
Possibly put in stipulations about looking for places (so many applications a week after so much time).
Also consider having something about him saving for the deposit on his own place (or alternatively, agree on a higher rent for him and you and your husband set aside part of it that he will get back when he moves out as long as the contract isn’t broken).
Any projects he is going to help with, figure out a time frame for them and include it in the contract.
Look at the situation as a business agreement and all parties should be up front with their expectations. Once they are agreed upon, write up the contract and sign it. Make sure all parties have a copy of the contract. This may all seem harsh but it’s really the only way to minimize the chance of being taken advantage of and avoiding the development of resentment from any party. Also be aware that if you put in all of these stipulations, he may decide not to accept it and it could put a strain on the relationship.
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
I can understand him not wanting to stay if we are going to have rules & boundaries. But at the end of the day, if he really does need our help, what other choice does he have? If you won’t comply with our rules written in the agreement, then don’t move in. We offered to help out given his crappy situation, it’s up to him if he’s okay with the rules we give. That’s my opinion on that though
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u/Sweet3DIrish 4d ago
Oh I fully agree with you, I’m just making sure you realize there’s the potential for hard feelings there.
I would definitely sit down with him with the list of rules that you want and talk through them and negotiate with him on them if need be before you make it into a contract and have everyone sign it, that way he will feel like he has some say in it.
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u/No-Statistician-4201 4d ago
Make sure you always watch the child with the dog. The most friendly dog can react towards a child because kids don’t know how to respect animals in general without guidance. And your bedroom should be out of limits
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u/nannylive Advice Oracle [113] 4d ago
Have him get a post office box for his mail; you do not want him getting mail at your house.
" We aren't interested in helping make your life more fun; just more stable. If you can take affird vacations or make unnecessary purchases it's time to move out."
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u/EnvironmentEuphoric9 4d ago
How is his daughter with your dog? Make sure she is respectful and your dog isn’t going to be treated poorly. Also, be careful leaving the dog alone with her, you don’t want her ending up getting bitten. Boundaries with her will be a thing, so make sure he is parenting her 100% of the time. I can see you filling in like getting snacks here and there and that becoming a regular thing so be careful about how much you “help out” because it’ll become an expectation, especially with them being there for so long.
I have a hard time seeing how you all can walk away unscathed without feeling irritated. I hope the best for everyone, but living together is challenging, especially with a small child. She’s going to cause messes and most likely break stuff. Definitely have a lease in place so you don’t end up with a squatter even though he’s a friend. People are desperate. If family won’t help him, there’s a reason.
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u/Meetat_midnight 4d ago
NEVER leaving the child unattended or requesting childcare from you. His child is only his responsibility, don’t even try to ask.
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u/Famous-Response5924 4d ago
Maybe late to the party but unless you need the money you may want to consider not charging rent. The less he is paying you the more he can save and the faster he can get out. I would say a set amount toward utilities and food but help him get back in his feet. If he does pay rent maybe save all or some of it and give it back to him when he is getting ready to move out so he can use it as a security deposit on a new place.
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u/trew_insomniac 4d ago
I had a very similar situation.
The boundary I wish I would have had was that my husband doesn’t spend every moment with his friend.
This friend ate every meal with us. Watched every tv show with us. Drink and be immature together. They would often spontaneously go out. I had a toddler at the time. Zero privacy, alone time, or family time. They were like frat boys and it got old.
(We are not married anymore)
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 4d ago
If his family wouldn't take him in, and his family is nearby, that's a massive red flag. It means either he doesn't trust his family or that his family doesn't trust him. He could be the victim sure. But what if he's not.
Only agree if he's willing to sign a lease agreement with an end date of 6 months (and have it written into the lease that this lease also counts as an eviction notice effective on the final day of term, and be ready with a copy of an eviction notice with the same date on it to be given at the appropriate amount of time vs your states laws - some states require more notice time than others). The lease agreement should be for at least $1 per month to prove monetary agreement and legitimize the "transaction" - idk if you're planning to actually charge him or not. Write into the lease that your other terms must be kept or else it is a violation of the lease and he is not entitled to stay past the point of the violation (other terms like he cannot have guests overnight, cannot copy the housekey, keeps his rooms cleaned and vacuum at least however often, cannot tell others house code, cannot smoke indoors, no noise-curfew violations, etc). You can print his copy of the housekey on a key that says it cannot be copied, which will help prevent this. Its slightly more expensive from a locksmith but worth it if you're serious about not changing locks after he leaves. Most people plan to have locks rekeyed and change door code between tenants anyways).
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 4d ago
I'd definitely add no smoking indoors and I would probably say no smoking at all.
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u/Dry-Maintenance7192 4d ago
just draw up a contract with basic in it. After i think 3 months it becomes their permanent residence. Can be harder to get people out later without a contact
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u/HotDonnaC Helper [2] 4d ago
If you end up somehow delegated to watching his kid, I’d put them out.
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u/pizzapromise 4d ago
As you get older, it's really hard to have meaningful friends that you know will always be there for you. It sounds like this person desperately needs help, and if your husband values the relationship, you should do it. Who knows when you or your husband will need something similar, and if they're as close as you're saying - this would be one of the people you can turn to.
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u/All_Thumbs_ 4d ago
I’d definitely make sure there is a strict timeline that has to be stuck to and a plan for moving out, with updates and regular communication. 6 months is a very long time to have someone in your space.
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u/redcolumbine Expert Advice Giver [17] 4d ago
WRITTEN CONTRACT. With a DATE. That is FIRM. Specify exactly what of your stuff (food, space, clothes, EVERYTHING he's allowed to use, and how soon he's expected to replace consumables with EQUIVALENT. Specify noise hours. Specify parking. Specify his and his kid's chores. Specify cleanliness standards.
Get a safe for medications & valuables (some valuables can go in a bank safe deposit box if that's easier).
Expect pushback when the contract comes to an end - "what kind of a friend are you?" and "I just knew you'd..." and be ready for your husband to buckle completely. When - NOT if - he does, have your escape planned.
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u/Senior_Parking6305 Helper [2] 4d ago
You need a rental agreement that has clear “this behavior will result in (insert legal notice required in your city) a termination of the agreement and immediate eviction. (Trust me here, you never truly know someone till they move in). And some you have already but they are important.
No babysitting is implied - he has his child 50% of the time, he should be with his child when it’s his parenting time.
No overnight guests of any kind
Rent is due on the 1st of the month (whatever amount this is, or whatever financial contribution is agreed)
His area and all common areas are to remain clean, free of garbage or waste, with floors cleaned/vacuumed weekly in his spaces and if he has private bathroom, same rule (have seen so many stories on here about guys leaving dirty diapers for weeks, not cleaning bathrooms, allowing filth to pile up).
Absolutely no pets of any kind are to be brought into the home by him.
You will under no circumstances provide child exchanges/or communicate with child’s mother for him with the child’s mother (trust me on this one, you worked in Child Services, so I’m guessing you know)
The rental term is 6 months, hard stop. At that time he needs to have secured other lodgings and no extensions will be allowed.
Identify where he is to park, and any areas of the home/property that are off limits to him and or the child. Discuss the safety of the child with your existing pets and the safeguards that need to be in place (such as, 4 year old not allowed to hit, pull tails, climb on, play with dog while eating, etc.. your dog isn’t used to a toddler..
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u/LyannasLament 4d ago
Get in writing that he is leaving in six months. Get it notarized.
Get any conditions/boundaries you have for him in writing, and have that included it what you have notarized.
A rule you should have is he is never to bring a girl he decides to date or potentially have a one night stand with over to your house. Period. You are not to meet them and you don’t want to meet them until he’s moved out. Here’s why; “oh just meet her, then you’ll feel better about her spending the night; you’ll see!” “Ohhh she’s just staying the night…didn’t you like her when you met her?” Now you have someone you don’t know potentially casing your house for robbery, or worse, she’s a nut that takes a bad break up and does a ton of property damage at your place, or worst she moves in too and refuses to leave.
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u/Resident-Method8260 4d ago
Your list of rules is reasonable. As long as he respects your boundaries and your home and doesn't expect you to be free childcare constantly, it doesn't seem too problematic. You and your husband are good friends.
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u/UhDoubleUpUhUh 4d ago edited 4d ago
Have a written agreement.
I had a very old, dear friend for a roommate once; he went through a hard time while staying with us, and wound up being in to us for a few grand. Once that happened, I insisted on a loan agreement, and we memorialized both his existing debt as an interest free loan, the specific details of how and by how much minimally he would need to pay us back, and the amount he was accruing in rent/utilities/food as he wasn't at that moment contributing. To top it all off, we included that any - any - non-performance would be considered default and would immediately result in collection proceedings. No room for underpayments, or "I forgot", or "I'm a little late", or "Whoops! Didn't sign the check!".
When we presented him with the agreement, he said "There are some pretty severe consequences"; my response was "They're only severe if you fail to hold up your end of the agreement."
It broke my heart, but he defaulted, and so we asked him to leave. We had to take him to court, and though I'm not proud to say it, we had his paycheck attached by the sheriff's department until the debt was paid.
While there was a bit of time we didn't talk for, we are nevertheless still good friends today.
Yes, we took some significant actions against him, but that was only because he'd gotten into us for several thousand, and we were determined to (a) stop the bleeding while (b) getting what we were owed.
So my advice to you is this:
Create a written agreement outlining the minimum monthly financial arrangements (rent + % of utilities + % of services), what he gets for that (1 bedroom to sleep in and x nights/month for his son to be over, either in the other bedroom, or shared in his own room) along with all the house rules you can think of, including things like whether or not he can have overnight guests or drink or vape or whatever, what the expectations are in terms of upkeep (which can be described as a function of effort or contributing to maid service, landscaping, maintenance), what he is responsible for fixing (if anything) on his own (like fixtures in a private bathroom), and be sure to cover your pet peeves - we all have them.
Most importantly, 2 things
1. cover specifically what happens in the event of breach of the agreement on his side, and
2. as much as you might be tempted to let him stay for free, take payment for it, even if it is deferred.
Make the term finite in duration and non-extendable except by a new written agreement. You said 6 months, so put the actual 6 month date in there.
Also put a "move out" request in there - how much advance notice on move-out date he is allotted from the point you ask him to leave.
Here is the "why" on that last bit - in every jurisdiction, it can be VERY hard to get a tenant out without a lease or agreement. And if you aren't charging him, but instead expected him to contribute to keeping the place clean, in the event of any kind of dispute, you could be stuck with a roommate who lives with you for free for the price of wiping off the counter every so often.
It may sound like a bit much to put into an agreement - but it will matter if there is ever a dispute. And if there is a dispute, but you don't have an agreement, it will be too late to get one, and it could cost you a lot more than you ever bargained for.
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u/BrightOwl926 4d ago
More people should have or regret not having this level of discernment that you have!!
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u/elvie18 4d ago
You didn't mention this one: YOU ARE NOT FREE CHILDCARE just because you're a woman existing in a home that also contains a child.
Also you're going to want a legal document of some sort - not sure what you need in this situation, but agreeing on these things isn't enough. You need to make sure you can, essentially, force him to leave if he refuses at some point.
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u/Scootergirlkick 4d ago
You will not babysit ever the child is 100% his responsibility!! My ex had a divorced buddy who would bring his kid over with him and they would expect me to watch him.
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u/rhonda19 4d ago
Get it all on a rental agreement just like anyone else and specify when he must be out.
Lay out all rent expectations and what basic errands he can help with and laundry expectations and cleaning the rooms he lives in and the bathroom etc. that he will turnover his own bedroom and his child’s plus do all their own laundry that is not you responsibility. The letter is a good idea form his ex regarding the child living with you.
If you do not want to watch the child at all let him and his co-parent know this. Emergencies might be ok but on an as needed basis.
Specify if who buys what groceries and who cooks for his child.
Ask him to also write up his expectations and what he is willing to do and how he will contribute to what projects.
See how the two lists line up. Good luck. Sounds tricky to me.
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u/SheiB123 Expert Advice Giver [14] 4d ago
Write up a contract with date he will leave, requirements of staying in the home, what tasks around the house he and kid will be required to do and timeline for it to be done, and ALL those things you have stated in your post.
Good luck and thank you for being willing to help someone down on their luck.
Make sure you protect you and your marriage.
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u/funicorn26 4d ago
Have him sign a lease for 2 months at the time, and when in shared space like kitchen an living room everyone need to be fully cloth (surprisingly there are people who dont think that is commen sense)
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u/Character-Slide-7282 4d ago
You have to help out family cmon now. That’s hella cool you guys agreed to it. I’m sure he didn’t want to have to count on yall to help him out but he must really need it I’ve been in his position before and thank god I’ve had solid people in my life willing to help me Sometimes ppl just need a little help and he could be turn everything around
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u/sweetiecheeksxo 4d ago
The biggest thing people overlook in situations like this is that it’s not just about protecting your house it’s about protecting the friendship. A clear lease, written rules, and a firm moveout date aren’t about mistrust, they’re about making sure resentment doesn’t creep in and ruin the relationship. Boundaries kindness in the long run
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u/Bumblebee56990 Helper [3] 4d ago
If you do this contact an attorney and outline everything in would you need to evict him. And get a contract with the friend that outlines everything. If your husband couldn’t handle having to evict his friend don’t allow him to move in.
Make sure the language in the contract is as if you’re a hotel. Not a renter. Protect yourself.
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u/MC1R_OCA2 4d ago
Honestly I think you need a lease. It is structure and security for everyone.
There also need to be clear rules about his daughter and child proofing expectations, to keep her safe.
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u/TangerineCouch18330 4d ago
Did he sign a lease/rental agreement? Even if the rent is zero, I would have them sign something and put all these expectations in writing as far as every little detail you can think of.
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u/Alternative-Ad-2312 4d ago
It's a good deed you're doing.
That deed is more than likely going to end badly and you'll regret it. Never known any situation where a friend moved in 'temporarily' and it's all worked out nicely.
Good luck.
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u/CrystalizedinCali 4d ago
IN WRITING, others have good ideas about specifics but good god IN WRITING and signed.
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u/coralcoast21 4d ago
Ask this question of a qualified real estate attorney in your area. A consultation shouldn't cost more than $200 or $300 for the half hour it will take. It will be well worth it over any advice gathered from the internet.
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u/sis_feli 4d ago
His child is 4: meaning what does 💯 supervision look like? If she is sleeping in her room, can he watch TV? Work outside on the car? If she is taking a bath, can he leave her there alone?
Is your house childproof: no alcohol or cleaning products accessible to children? Child locks on all doors leading outside so she can’t accidentally walk out? In case of a fire or emergency: what is the plan? If he goes to the hospital, what is the (written plan) for the child?
Does anyone have food allergies? Can the child’s mom pick up and drop off at your house? Holidays? Time with hubby: if friend is there and you just wanna hang out and watch a PG 13 movie where will the 4 year old go? Does your husband agree and see it all the same way?
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u/JHawk444 Expert Advice Giver [10] 4d ago
There should be a discussion about chores and taking care of his space.
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u/Fiery_Grl 4d ago
Check in with your homeowners insurance before doing this. I had a similar situation and a fall on an ice patch in my driveway led to a crisis.
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u/BeckyW77 4d ago
You need to make an end date to the friend and daughter living there. Because people, even decent ones, can get comfortable in a situation. It needs to be a real end date. Vagueness will only begat more vagueness.
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u/Solomon_knows 4d ago
Check your state laws. Some.. as soon as he’s in, he’s a legal tenant and would have to be evicted if he didn’t want to leave whenever that time comes.. I found this out the hard way. No good deed goes unpunished and a couple months turned into an 18 month nightmare
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u/StructEngineer91 4d ago
You should get him to sign a formal lease with a hard end date of 6 months. Then he can't try to claim squatters rights. Also be 100% clear that you will not babysit for him for free, except for MEDICAL emergencies, if YOU want to babysit for him make sure his is not taking advantage of you. His child is his responsibility, including food for her and him.
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u/Evening_Dress7062 4d ago
Make them get a post office box. Don't let him get mail at your house because you don't want him to establish residency. I'd also check the tenant laws. If it takes 30 days to establish residency, he has to spend every 28th night at a hotel. If it's 14 days, he leaves overnight on every 13th day.
Hopefully you won't wind up legally evicting the guy, but don't make it easy for him if you do have to take that route.
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
I know we aren’t going to let him have any overnight guests. So with him being in a relationship, I’m assuming he’s going to sleep there every now & then. I’ll keep track of when he’s gone & when he’s home. We have ring cameras too so I’ll know when he comes home or if he’s gone for the night or even if he decides to bring someone in.
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u/Evening_Dress7062 4d ago
Good. Always better safe than sorry. If he's really a good friend, he'll understand why you guys have to protect yourself.
That's not about friendship. That's just good business.
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u/NeonFraction 4d ago
First off: thank you for doing this. The world needs more kindness.
The first advice I’d give is that ‘childcare’ is really a loose term. Especially for a 4 year old.
What constitutes childcare? Being left alone with them? Taking a shower? Running an errand? Can he leave to go to a doctor’s appointment without having to hire a babysitter? What if he’s busy doing something and the kid wants to talk or play with you, is that childcare?
Living with a child means you will inevitably have to engage in SOME kind of childcare, unless you want to go down the psychopathic route of treating the child like they don’t exist. You’ll want to set reasonable boundaries but realize a 4 year old is not going to be very aware of or able to follow strict house rules you set with their father. “Don’t bother them when they’re working” doesn’t mean much to a 4 year old who barely has a concept of what ‘work’ is.
I’d recommend setting out some boundaries but being realistically aware that even a helicopter parent who is always in the room would STILL struggle to keep their kid controlled 24/7.
I’d also recommend setting standards for household attire. ‘Don’t wander around the house in boxers.’
The kid will often have to eat something different than the adults (kids are so picky), so take that into account when cooking.
You might also want to have a quick talk about discipline. Not necessarily physical punishment (though that should be a part of the conversation, if he does that and you’re not comfortable with it) but for inevitable situations where the kid is doing something bad and the nearest person needs to be the one to stop them (don’t draw on the wall with markers!!!!). Figure out what to do when he thinks it’s ‘not a big deal’ and you’re bothered by the kids behavior. Running around, slapping toys against things, etc.
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u/Sioux-me 4d ago
My husband’s brother lived with us for a year. He built on a new bathroom on our home he’s a contractor and we paid him) and was super handy around the house. It was like having two husbands. One that I slept with and one that did all the repairs and work I needed done in the house. He even washed windows! He was a great guest. He was able to get back on his feet and get his own place. So I know it can work for everyone’s benefit.
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
Thank you for this heartwarming story! I hope we have as good of luck as you!
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u/k23_k23 Helper [2] 4d ago
"not more than 6 months"? THAT means: permanently temporarily is something lile "11 days, until my new home is ready." -- . He does not have other plans, and he will stay until you kick him out.
On the bright side, he gains free babysitting service while he relaxes with your husband.
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u/Business_Loquat5658 4d ago
Have him sign a lease agreement with a firm move out date and state up front what expenses he's responsible for. Maybe that will help.
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u/book_lady_ 4d ago
The child is a wildcard in the situation. How does the mom feel about this arrangement? Find out beforehand. Kids have no filters and can't really understand adult boundaries. Emotions come into play all the way around. What if he develops feelings for you out? I don't know, but God bless you for even considering to help out. As others have said, a small loan would be a great option. Maybe social services can help him with housing, especially with a wee one.
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u/Fuzzy-Nerve-1964 4d ago
I would suggest giving him his own house code, different from yours. I'm not sure if the code is for an alarm system or to unlock your house, but either way, if he's using his own code you'll be able to see when he's coming and going, or possibly if he's given the code to someone else and when they're using it to enter your home.
Had an issue with a friend who had a key to my house in case of emergencies, and I gave her a unique alarm code, only to find out that she was letting herself in our house once a week when we were at work to do laundry. I could see from the report I pulled from the alarm company that she was in our house for several hours at a time while doing her laundry and God knows what else. Crazy!
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
Yeah that’s NUTS! We have one of those locks that either can use a key or a code. Idk about it tracking anything, BUT we do have ring cameras on both the front & back doors of our house. My husband & I are the only ones that can turn the alerts on & off & they record so I’ll know his comings & goings & if others are with him or if he’s given the house code to someone by us seeing someone who isn’t him coming into the house
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u/Lady_Tiffknee 4d ago
I wouldn't. But I understand wanting to be helpful. I just dont think he'll move out in 6 months. What is his child like? I wouldn't want you to start feeling like a 3rd wheel in your own house. What EXACTLY is his financial situation? Is he being evicted? How much will he pay in rent, utilities and internet? Does he understand he has to buy his own food for him and his daughter and they both are required to clean up after themselves? You wouldn't want your hubby and his friend up into the weee hours being loud watching TV. So much to consider.
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u/deepcaca 4d ago
It is generally easier to evict a guest then it is tenant. So if you charge him any rent even $1 a month he is now considered a tenant.
i would recommend that you research your state's tenant/ landlord laws. Make sure you know the difference between a guest and a tenant. Also the implications of a written agreement.
Do not let him use your address as his. He needs to use a post office box or a different address other than yours.
If you do draw up the agreement to make it clear that he is a guest. When you start specifying times of stay you are now getting into a possible lease situation. And if you do draw up an agreement it should have a clause stating that you can ask him to leave anytime with 7 days notice before the expiration of his term.
Keep the agreement as simple as possible.
As far as your expectations of his responsibilities, y'all should sit down and have a long talk. You need to discuss how child care is going to be taken care of, what is expected of him to keep the house clean and your other concerns.
You are making a very kind and caring gesture. I hope it works out.
Good luck.
NAL
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u/SwissyRescue 4d ago
Just don’t do it. It’ll be impossible to get him out. If he helps pay for anything, he’s now a tenant, no matter what contract you may have him sign. Tenants are almost impossible to evict. In some states, they are considered a tenant or resident of the property if they receive mail at your address, even if they don’t pay rent. Provide a list of local places that can help him.
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u/Kryptonite-Rose 4d ago
It seems you may be his preferred place to stay, not the only place he can stay. You may have to compete for your husband’s time and attention with one of his best friends.
What is your gut feeling on this?
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u/Necessary-Couple-535 4d ago
I'd go so far as no guests, not just no overnight guests. He and his child are guests in your home. Guests don't have guests. It ain't a hotel. Being surprised by unknown/unplanned visitors in your home at any time gets old fast.
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u/lilies117 4d ago
Most door locks with a code can have other codes temporarily added. That way you could make a unique code he and his daughter know, and deactivate when they move out.
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u/neelvk 4d ago
Many years ago, we had just bought a house and we were stretched thin. Another couple who we knew (not very deeply) were also in financially tough times and asked us if they could move in and pay rent (lower in their then current apartment rent). We hammered everything out and wrote it all down.
It was a great 6 months. Both couples' financial situation improved, never got on each others' nerves, and all of us look back on that period with rose-tinted glasses. :)
I hope this strengthens your bonds and all of you come out better.
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u/BidRevolutionary945 Helper [2] 4d ago
I can't emphasize this enough, but you need to type this out as a rental agreement and have him sign as well as you guys. And you absolutely must get the child's mother's approval, in writing, with a Hold Harmless clause to protect you if the child is ever hurt on your property so she can't sue you. You need to put that in the rental agreement as well.
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u/Debgal34 4d ago
Have him sign a contract so if it happens that he stay longer and you can’t get him out and it goes to court…it’s all in writing.
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u/hopeful-Xplorer 4d ago
Write everything down. Have lunch with him and get his ideas too. Who cooks? Food separate or shared? Do either of you care about private time to watch tv or whatever in communal spaces? I dunno, but it seems good to just have a chill conversation about everything before anyone is stressed or annoyed.
My ex and I used to rent to friends all the time and joked that we ran “a halfway house for grad students”. It was a good experience, these things can definitely go fine.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Helper [2] 4d ago
I know the man is having financial problems but absolutely get a damage deposit especially since he has a young child. The child is going to completely change your living environment, you know that right? There's a solid 98.6% chance you will end up watching her even though you don't want to, be ready.
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u/sierra38grandma 4d ago
Sounds like you are very smart and have this handled. I do look forward to what the friend has to say in response to your boundaries.
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u/Brilliant-Ninja8861 4d ago
1. You will not baby sit while your husband and his bf go out for a couple of beer to talk when “he’s really upset about his ex” or just to watch the game. Bs
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u/Joy2b Helper [2] 4d ago
This isn’t a rule, it’s just a recommendation. Regular discussions of upcoming schedules can be so helpful in keeping life calm.
You will all be choreographing a double household dance. There’s an upside of taking interest in the smaller details, like when people shower, wash dishes, mop, do laundry, move cars, sing lullabies and watch loud movies. You can effortlessly dance around something you see coming.
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u/Expensive_Hat_1649 4d ago
Maybe have a few cameras inside of your house as well I think they have some like teddy bears. But it never ends well with having someone live with you hope that it works out. But don't be so strict it makes them uncomfortable at the same time he is an adult he's not a child you remember if this was you what would you want someone to do for you because you can be in this situation as well one day and you might have to go to him for help so.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 4d ago
Have him get a post office box so that no mail comes to your house. That could help you in case you need to kick him out.
I hope this arrangement ends up being a wonderful experience for all. It could work out great. My parents let their best friends live with them for six months when they were between houses. It worked out great and my parents were sad to see them go. They were probably even better friends afterwards.
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u/Kashada2 4d ago
I'm currently staying with a couple I'm friends with as they offered to get me out of a bad spot. It's been a life saver and people like you and your husband make the world a better place for sure.
Some things I've picked up on from the other side of your situation you might want to think about:
You should have a general idea of how much help around the house you are expecting and gently express it. I found when I moved in here I was doing too much. I just wanted to show my gratitude while they felt guilty that I was doing too much. It took a little while to find a good balance.
You should probably have an idea of how much time you are both comfortable spending with your friend without the other person. It's not really been an issue for me but it is a conversation I've had with each of them.
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u/pacodefan 4d ago
Perhaps just sit down with him and figure out his tenure from a financial standpoint. Like how much he makes, how much he can reasonably expect to save a month, and thus how many months before he should have enough to have his own place barring any unpredictable expenses. And maybe keep you updated on how his savings are progressing so you are in the picture and problems are tackled in real time rather than being used as an excuse later as to why he is taking longer to save up.
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u/gailser 4d ago
Friend should stay a friend. Roommates rarely work out. I’ve yet to see someone move out “in a few months”. See you next year minus one friend. Plus the liability and wear and tear of a kid that age. Keep your friend and advice to lend a months rent is the best advice. Good luck to you. You’re nice people.
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u/ZenMoonstone 4d ago
My friend, her daughter and their dog moved in after her house was messed up by a Hurricane. They were with us for about 3 months and it was a great experience for all of us. My husband and I got to enjoy a young girl in the house as we have grown boys. We got to introduce her to Harry Potter and played board games at night. We didn’t set any kind of rules but everyone just did their part. I hope things work out well for you guys. I think when you help someone they are generally appreciative and go out of their way to be easy and helpful; or at least they should.
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u/OMGWTFJumpnJackFlash 4d ago
My opinion is simple, if he has family that won’t take him in there is a reason
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u/Mission-SelfLOVE2024 4d ago
DON'T DO IT. There are too many ways this could go badly including theft, crazy stalker girlfriends,, property damage, having to evict him, or ending up as a free a babysitter, etc. If you really want to help, offer to gift him the money to cover part of his rent for 6 months. This way, he has his space with your help for while, and you protect your marriage, possessions, and friendship.
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u/412_15101 4d ago
I was also thinking to help him on rent for 6 months. You’re helping him get on his feet while he’s setting a stable home for his child when they visit
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u/CloudDancer_ 4d ago
Yo, big ups for being an absolute ledge and helping a mate out when times are tough. Tbh, some ground rules I'd throw around - finances clear as crystal from the get-go; split bills n stuff. No "I'll pay you back later" BS. He cleans up his areas & after his kid, and maybe join a cleaning rotor for communal spots. No big chaotic events or surprise guests incl his GF without asking yr permission first. Keep noise levels in check, esp when the kiddo's around. But really, key thing is communication. Keep it 100, both ways, so no one's left guessing or feeling like things are unfair. Good luck, m8! 🤞🍀👊
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u/Sensitive_Hat7129 4d ago
When one of our adult children came home, the rules were fluid, we are regimented. After day 2 no coming in/out of the house, after a certain time. No people in my house. Pick up behind yourself, no smoking in the house, no heavy drinking. No getting on my nerves. He plates a week. We are old and haven’t had kids in the home for 18 years.
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u/LilPajamas 4d ago
It would be better to just give him seed money for a deposit on his own place. Don’t get his child attached to your wonderful home life, etc.
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u/celticmusebooks Helper [2] 4d ago
OK this needs to be said. He has family in the area and your husband you husband is his only option. WHY would his family not be willing to help him? You say there's no drug or alcohol problems but how well do you actually know him?
CLEAR expectations on any drug or alcohol use.
CLEAR expectations on how much he will contribute financially.
CLEAR expectations that he will be responsible for certain household chores.
CLEAR expectations about childcare for his daughter. I know two different people in your position and in both cases the father would expect the woman to watch his kids while he went out for errands that turned into all day (and all weekend).
Limits on having guests that you don't know in your home and as you pointed out NO overnight guests.
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u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto 4d ago edited 4d ago
My number one rule is he can’t receive mail there. He has to show you a po box he’s rented for an entire year. And I’d get a locking mailbox. No proof of tenancy through the mail. Does he work from home?
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u/Aessioml 4d ago
Sounds like a lovely idea I wouldn't take any money but would expect him to seriously pull his weight with stuff around the house.
If it all goes wrong it's not like it's hard to get someone out of the house
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u/stealthwarrior2 4d ago
Rules set beforehand and written down leaves less issues. You can't add rules after he moves in
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u/Mysterious-Cat33 4d ago
You may want to write up a “contract” that outlines expectations for both parties.
Party X will pay on date via Zelle, Venmo, Check etc. Tenancy is month to month with an expected move out date of ——-. (children can be unpredictable, so do you believe you may want a small deposit for the possibility of damages?)
Party Y is providing a private room, use of the kitchen, living room and bathroom. Cleaning products for laundry, chores etc will be provided/not provided. Utilities are —— and are included/to be split etc.
It just makes it very clear for everyone for some of the nitty gritty stuff that could become a problem. it seems a little bit transactional I suppose but hopefully having things done upfront means there’s less likelihood for situations to get emotional in the heat of the moment and feelings hurt, and friendships ruined.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
Try not to charge him rent if you can afford it. He will get on his feet faster and it will help dynamics and maybe even lawful occupant rules depending on where you live
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u/Technical-Habit-5114 4d ago
Whatever you mess up, you clean up Common areas are shared chores. Everyone takes a turn. Everyone responsible for their own groceries and meals. And that 6 month time limit needs to be in writing, before he moves in
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u/RollerSails 4d ago edited 4d ago
First boundary to set is move out date and required budget that can be tracked because 6 months sounds like it got pulled out of thin air. This is husband prioritizes a boundaries list type of thing. Keeping in mind this scenario of good intentions is very common for how friendships break. The first to-do is to allow friend to make his financial case that guarantees his move out date. A budget that shows his new place and rent expectations.
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u/JoyReader0 4d ago
Please get a local lawyer and have him set up an ironclad lease that protects both you and the friend. Also, no babysitting.
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u/TheLastWord63 4d ago
I think you would need to set clear expectations of what kind of ways that you expect him to contribute financially and physically. to the household. Also, what are your views on his company coming over, especially overnight, parties, and everything. You and your husband need to sit down first with each other and decide on everything before he moves in. Then present it all to his friend as clearly as possible so you in your husband can be on a united front. Hopefully, everything goes smoothly because many friendships end when people live together or when it involves money.
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u/Final_Technology104 4d ago
If he’s strapped for cash, how is he going to help with groceries? Just asking.
One thing I’d make sure is he doesn’t end up expecting you to clean up after him and his young daughter, nor babysit. Because those things will creep in once he gets comfortable.
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u/Long_Illustrator_216 4d ago
We are for sure going to charge him rent, but itll be less than he pays now. I’m going to make him responsible for his own groceries. The money that he has left over from not spending as much on rent I’m assuming will go to groceries. I am not going to be responsible for feeding both him & his child when my husband & I still need to pay our bills & whatnot
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u/Final_Technology104 4d ago
I’m so glad you have this plan.
So many times, this scenario kind of ends up slipping in gradually.
If he was my friend, I’d help him too but I know that guys are different than woman in these situations.
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u/Far-Dragonfruit-925 4d ago
I’m more concerned that he’s possibly burned all his bridges with his family and I’d want to know why. I agreed to this once and my husband is no longer friends with him. It was a nightmare. Get everything in writing and have him sign the agreement. If he’s not comfortable doing that. Don’t let him move in. Good luck!
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u/Gummy_Granny_ 4d ago
Google a roommate agreement. There's so many things that you don't think of until it's too late. Cleaning Boundaries, utilities,
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u/Short-Sound-4190 4d ago
Honest advice is - have you considered just lending him money for rent instead?
Sometimes you need to pull back and look at the facts and if you would really be helping him get on his feet by allowing him to stay in your house for six months. I genuinely think you should rethink this and amend it to helping him get into an apartment ASAP.
1) he will likely have to have something saying he has a place of residence in order to have custody of his daughter, like mail gets sent to him there, your address is tied to his identity forever, etc. I also don't believe it is fair for the four year old to be juggled around - 50% custody means this is HALF her HOME. Respectfully he should at least consider allowing the daughter to spend more time with the housed parent in the short term (not saying he can't visit and she can't stay with him sometimes but I am highly recommending you don't give this young child a whole bedroom where she lives half her time and then tear it away in six months).
2) find out how much it costs to rent an apartment in the area, how much money he has now saved up and how much money he needs to save to begin a lease (make sure there is nothing on his history that prevents him from being approved or would require an extra deposit or a co-signer). This is an important number and if he's literally just paying for his own groceries at your place for like six weeks that should be enough time to get on his feet because frankly speaking if it takes him six months to come up with the ~two months worth of rent somewhere then he can't afford to rent there. He needs to have a solid plan in place, reached out to any rental assistance or personal/family resources.
3) there's always the option to offer to store his things (saving him hundreds in storage unit fees) and if financially able help pay for him at a long term stay hotel room until he has enough money for his own place. These are honestly good options for transition between housing and are more affordable than many people expect. He can receive mail and packages and list it as a current address for school purposes, etc.
If he doesn't have a solid realistic plan - and frankly I would put the cut off where it realistically needs to be not an arbitrary six months which is way too long - this will end in resentment. Even if it is actually done in 6 months and he moves out without a fight or pleading, you and your husband will never see him the same way again if you find later he only needed two months and instead took advantage of your kindness for his own comfort. It's going to taint any home project he helps with because you have expectations for something happening in exchange. Give what you have, but don't give more than they need and don't expect anything back.
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u/Confident-Answer-654 4d ago
I don’t know. Do you want to live with your stuff locked up, screening visitors, having a small child in your home etc? You’re taking on a lot, just consider everything carefully.
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u/Metermanohio 4d ago
Well you now have a tenant and if it goes bad you would have to evict them. Hope it goes well and your kind for doing it.
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u/655e228th Super Helper [5] 4d ago
When he says no more than 6 months plan for a year. Hire a divorce attorney now. You don’t want to have to find one when your entire household is upside down. Remember: guests are like fish. After 3 days they both stink
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u/Anatomy_lee_8888 4d ago
Some rules around not looking when you walk out of the bath with just the 2 of you home
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u/UseObjectiveEvidence 4d ago
Set a move out date and secure your fragile valuables from the kid. If you got a pool make sure the girl has had water safety or swimming lessons. Be active with helping him find a place otherwise they'll get too comfortable and the wrong idea.
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u/Exotic_Stomach_9211 4d ago
If it were me, I’d just want to balance being kind with not accidentally losing peace in my own home. You’ve already got a good head start with the ideas you mentioned, especially the no sleepovers one. That’s huge for keeping things simple and safe.
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u/Bertamath 4d ago
If you have plenty of land, why don't you consider putting a trailer there gor them to live in? Or for the friend when the kid is not there. And let them only live in the house when he has his kid. That way you can keep your privacy.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 4d ago
We had a friend stay with us for about 5 months when our son was 2 and we had two cats. We did not share groceries. She bought her own food and cooked her own food and cleaned up after herself.
I'd expect him to feed himself from start to finish or you will find yourself cooking for him and his daughter and then cleaning up after them. It is much nicer if the person takes care of themself. I'd expect them to keep their own food in the refrigerator and not help themselves to your leftovers. Nothing gets old faster than opening the refrigerator door to grab the lunch you put into a container last night and finding that it is gone and the dirty dish is in the sink. All food is separate for a good experience.
You will only babysit in an emergency and going out with friends is not an emergency.
When we traveled overseas to visit my husband's family she fed the cats for us. She was a cat person herself and enjoyed staying in a home with cats.
We told her it was fine if her boyfriend stayed with her while we were gone.
I'd charge a nominal rent that slowly but steadily increases each month. Maybe first month is free, second month is $100, etc. Make it so that he can save but he will have an incentive to move out.
Write out your requests or rules and print them, it should include the date and you, husband and friend all sign it. That can help you from finding out that the friend "misunderstood" the rules or the rent increase per month.
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u/Reynyan 4d ago
This is far above Reddit’s pay grade. You need to speak with a lawyer and know your local tenancy laws. The length of time you are describing, in almost any jurisdiction, they will become tenants and you will have to evict them if they don’t feel like leaving. A lease, admits up front what the time duration and expectations are. Good luck
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u/Ok_Hornet3415 4d ago
I’ve taken people in before. Many times.
No overnight guests (including gf)! No one stays in the house when friend is not there (no gf cannot hang out and wait for you to come home. No the child shouldn’t be here solo). No smoking. Think about respectful hours/types of noise. No sharing my house key/alarm code. Don’t park in my driveway. That is my spot only. Think about cleanliness rules Can there be a “date night” weekly schedule where he stays over at his GF house (or elsewhere) so that you and hubby still get regular, consistent alone time? How do you use the shared spaces (living room, Kitchens, laundry, bathroom/shower, etc)? How much “stuff” is he bringing? What impact will that have on your space and peace of mind?
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u/Ok_Objective8366 Helper [2] 4d ago
I would have him sign a lease agreement even with no rent being paid but the rules. I would also limit the number of days the gf can come over as I would want her over daily and what time she needs to leave by.
The end date for this arrangement, having friends over and tv/noise in the common area.
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u/YoRi2013 Helper [2] 4d ago
A specific date that they leave.
No visitors or friends of the child.
Take care of your own groceries.
Cleaning up right after you used things/cooked /showerd etc.
No eating drinking in specific areas.
The ritme of the house, if you and your husband like to sleep at 22:00 there will be silence. Same in the morning.
Clean toilet after yourself
Collect loundrie and use machine on a specific day So you dont have to do the extra work
Respect privacy and dont walk around un appropiate.
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u/BlackCatWoman6 4d ago
Get it all in writing signed by both parties. That may not make it legally binding but no one can say they didn't remember something.
Also leave both of you an out clause. Each party can end the agreement with a notice of 30 days.
I had my ex husband in a guest room for 4 1/2 years. I was so glad I put that 30 day clause. I also added no sex in my house. He was my ex and though I didn't want him, I didn't want to hear him having sex down the hall when he wasn't paying any mortgage.
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u/LizP1959 Helper [2] 4d ago
Chore chart for sure so you don’t end up Waiting on the boys while they watch TV and game.
And make sure you are gone when the child comes over, or you risk being tapped for unpaid child care (literally, you need to be GONE that weekend).
It’s very wise of you both to write up an agreement.
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u/MommaGuy 4d ago
You should have an open discussion with him about everything from cooking to parking to where he is going to store his things. I would ask for his daughter’s mother contact information in case of emergency too.
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u/drgrouchy 4d ago
Please repost in 6 months and let us know how badly it went. Why is he in this predicament?
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u/Ill-Entry-9707 4d ago
Schedule rent to be paid with a manageable amount out of every paycheck. It is lot more difficult to get behind when you are paying every week... that's every week even if there are five Fridays in that month. That's how I do it for people who are paid weekly. You get advanced warning if they are getting into trouble rather than waiting until the following month.
It usual takes a few weeks to get used to having another person around the house so expect a few issues at first.
Parking Fridge space Leftovers or meal prep food- we did 24 hours for original person then fair game for anyone Cupboard space Too much or too little interaction Laundry... finish what you start, wash, dry and fold in the same session Temperature Noise Locations where food and drink are allowed Where are shoes, coats and bags kept Dog treats and walks Alcohol Take out food or pizza Taking out the trash Snow shoveling or mowing
Those are some of the conflicts that have come up around me
Overall, do you expect him to be part of your household or an occasional hello? Will you join forces for food? Either way can work as long as everyone has the same expectations.
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 4d ago
I get that you think it's your house, your rules, but if you let him live there as a tenant he has rights. You can't tell him he can't have guests over to his own home. And it's not your place at all to get the mom's permission for his daughter to stay there. I don't think he needs his ex's permission at all. The daughter stays where he stays. You are thinking of this as though he is a minor child you have living with you. But he's a grown man with rights. If you can't accept this then you shouldn't allow him to move into your home.
As someone before me wrote, "In some states, that doesn’t matter (if he's just a visitor). A longer than 30 day continuous stay means they are a tenant and have rights. You’d have to formally (go to court) to get them out."
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u/Educational_Skill343 4d ago
Timescales would be the one for me. Clearly defined limit. What’s his goal for moving out and reasonable behaviours of his to ensure time in the home doesn’t add any additional workloads to you or husband. Good on you though, hope it works out for all.
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u/WillaLane 4d ago
Who is paying for food? Do you cook for yourself and your husband? Will you cook extra for him and his child on your dime? What about childproofing the house? Four year olds can be mischievous. What about your dog? Are they kid friendly? There needs to be strict rules about how the child does or doesn’t interact with the dog
I would consider putting a lock on your door.
Also figure out what the laws are in your state about people staying in your home because it can vary.
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u/CombinationCalm9616 4d ago
I would have a sit down discussion with your husband when you set down rules and boundaries that you expect him to follow while living in your house. I would also check the laws where you live to check the rights of live in tenants or lodgers and maybe see if you need to have a contract. Where I am if you are living in the house then the laws are different to if you are renting them the whole property or renting rooms out in a property you don’t live in so learn what’s the difference where you live. I would also talk about a firm move out date that is set down in any contracts and maybe just having a rolling one month contract until that date.
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u/ghostman71 4d ago
I think it’s great you’re helping out a friend that’s going through a rough patch. My wife and I had a friend stay with us for about six months. Everything went fine. Never had any problems. They paid a few hundred dollars each month and it more than offset the added cost of an extra person living in the house. I was glad we could help. We are still great friends today. My advice is to let your friend that’s moving in know that they are going to have to adapt/adjust to your lifestyle and habits, not you changing your life to accommodate them. It’s your house. Try to keep everything as normal as possible. And make sure to agree upon whatever rules you want in place before they move in.
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u/Heavy_Cupcake6421 Helper [2] 4d ago
Hello, I am pretty sure the court would order that this man's child have their own room. This would make two rooms you would have to accommodate for them. I would get everything in writing when letting people into your home as well because I have heard of people coming to live (temporarily) and end up not leaving without a court order telling them that they have to leave. I would also put strict cleaning and food rules in place so you and your husband are not fully supporting this man, and having to clean up after them. No illegal drugs or use on your property either.
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u/galactabat Super Helper [7] 4d ago
Sounds like you have a lot of ideas for helping out your husband's friend; I hope it goes well. Obviously I'd be most insistent on having a firm move-out date no matter what.