r/AlAnon • u/Mobile-Tadpole-580 • 2d ago
Support Alcoholics & Codependents
Research in psychology suggests that codependents are indeed more likely to end up in relationships with alcoholics or others struggling with addiction.
How do you feel about this?
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u/stinkstankstunkiii 2d ago
We are attracted to what we know, what we grew up around. It’s only natural to end up with an addict, as a codependent. I’d like to say I’m a recovering codependent, and with that- the truth does hurt , but facing the facts can and WILL make us stronger. What all codependents need to do is to learn about themselves, focus on themselves, to center SELF. Your partner is NOT the end all , be all. YOU ARE.
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u/UnsecretHistory 2d ago
I’d need to know more about the research.
Codependency is just a theory, and obviously one of the current trending ones. There’s no agreed clinical definition and I think it’s being overused now to the point that it’s becoming a cliché. It also puts the focus back on the loved ones of Qs rather than on the Qs’ addictions and behaviours.
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u/PainterEast3761 2d ago
I think codependency has some use as a concept, but I think it gets oversimplified and maybe over applied. Also I suspect the ideas about the origins maybe need more work.
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u/Al42non 2d ago
Sayings like this are kind of dangerous. You're not doomed to repeat your mistakes. It might not be entirely because of who you are. On the other hand, fate is my higher power, I might just be following the course I was born to and my free will is just an illusion.
I didn't recognize the effect my mother's alcoholism might have had on me until I started haunting this sub, and someone pointed it out. My mother's alcoholism was low key. I didn't even know until I was in HS, and a foster kid we had pointed it out. Then I started seeing it, but it was always just a thing, no big deal.
For my own long term relationships
First one was bipolar. Didn't realize it initially, I was young, naive, and in lust. She might have been on a manic initially, but it changed, she got to be too much for me, too needy, too irrationally emotional, like crying uncontrollably over literal spilled milk. I feel bad about cutting her off, she was a hurting pup, but I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that, nor did I see the lithium helping.
Second one, did like to be the center of attention. I liked that, since then I didn't have to be. She drank, smoked pot, but not to a concerning level, and probably less than I did. She really cared for me. But I sabotaged it with the third.
Third would pretend to be drunk after one drink, she just didn't drink. I got bad while with her, a depressive episode, and broke it off for that. I regret that. She was wonderful, or maybe I didn't get close enough to find her faults.
I felt bad about the second, so I tried to make amends, and she moved back in with me for a few years. I wasn't good then, and she was trying to make me better. I really miss her. I miss that dynamic, someone looking out for me. She said commit or I'm leaving, and I let her go. Not badly, just sadly. I regret that, it could have been happy normal.
Fourth, the one that brings me here. The addict, and now with echos of the first. Different than my mother, physically, socially, intellectually, all sorts of aspects, except with the alcoholism. It took me a few years to catch on to it, Or maybe she wasn't that bad. Now that dynamic is all about her. It is all me to her, I don't feel it the other way, I can't even accept it the other way. I've detached from her, but she's still attached to me.
She says she's codependent. I see it. I don't think I am. I wouldn't say I'm dependent on her, I would say she's dependent on me. I'm dependent on her for other reasons, like I feel an obligation to her, to our kids, but, emotionally, I feel like all she brings me is hurt. Sex is good, but maybe she uses that as the last vestige to keep me hanging on, or to try to please me, because she's dependent on my state. My state is neutral or bad, all the time, because of her and because of how I am, what the second was trying to fix but couldn't.
We started reading "codependent no more" I didn't finish. She stopped talking about it when I said I identified with one of the examples, that I'm frozen all the time. She went to a couple CoDA meetings, I was hoping it'd help her disconnect from me, stop being so reliant on me, but I haven't heard about it, I think she might be backsliding, on that, and the substance abuse.
Codependency might be a bit weird. I might attract codependents? I don't consider myself a codependent in the usual sense nor an alcoholic. There might be a few factors at play, gender, my dysthymia, or my way of being. Might be my dysthymia and way of being is because of how I was raised, on my own as my mother wasn't able to give me what I need, so I never look to others for my needs, instead I just did without and eventually started taking care of her. Second left perhaps because I wouldn't look to her for my needs, or perhaps like she said, that I was a bummer to be with, and her codependency needed me to be better so she could be happy.
I sometimes wonder if I am fit for human consumption, or if I'm better left alone. Happiness is the lack of suffering. Want is the cause of suffering. If I could get over my want of being with someone, I could alleviate my suffering and be happy. But so far I haven't been able to, so maybe I am dependent. But they say people need people, so, could be this is like want of water. Or "they" are people who study people, so of course "they" would say people need people because they like people, that's why "they" study them.
The likelihood I find another that's not screwed up, seems to be slim to none, everyone is screwed up somehow.
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u/toolate1013 2d ago
Wow, I relate to so much of this. But especially the part about wishing to overcome the desire for being with someone. Lol.
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u/Far_Bridge_8083 2d ago
Codependents think they need to earn love, do something for the other person to change and get the care, love , kindness they want
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u/Fearless-Library-156 1d ago
Every single person I’ve ever been on ever a single date with has been “broken” in some way, and what feels crazy is that I don’t know that until it’s too late. How does it keep happening? What am I not doing or looking for? What boundary do I not have? It really makes you realize how fundamentally sick co-dependency really is. It’s like my unconscious mind knows these people could use my eternally sympathetic ear…
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u/Astralglamour 1d ago
When you are needed you feel important and like they can't leave you. Damaged people seek out those who will support them and put up with things others wouldn't.
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u/notfornought 9h ago
What kinds of questions are you asking on dates? I mean, figuring out your favorite music genres is important, but questions like "why did your last relationship end?" and "how do you handle conflict?" will reveal a lot about a person fairly quickly.
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u/Academic_Complex_406 2d ago
My therapist tells me I am codependent and my husband is an alcoholic. I know I am, but I just enjoy being around him when he is sober and I really, really hate being alone. I don't think there is anything wrong with being attached to your partner. I will admit I need more friends, though, but making friends in your 30s isn't easy. 🤣
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u/National-Plastic8691 2d ago
go join some clubs or something. learn to play tennis
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u/Academic_Complex_406 2d ago
I know how to play tennis. Lol. I played tennis in high school, but I don't have money to join leagues.
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u/Lauren_RNBSN 2d ago
I know - my current “partner” I don’t even know if I should bother calling him that at this point anymore- when he is present, he is wonderful and we have the absolute best time. But he has been disappearing a lot, I don’t even know if he is in rehab (he could be), and a pathetic part in side me just really wants him to come back. But the disappearing unfortunately is becoming a cycle that ends up hurting me.
I always fall deeply for addicts. :/
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u/Academic_Complex_406 2d ago
It's very easy to do.
I studied counseling. It is so difficult for me not to do everything in my power to save everyone else.
However, I don't have a happy medium. I'm either doing everything for everyone and nothing for myself, or I cut off everyone and everything and just shut the whole damn world out. I'm currently in this phase, and it's tough.
I'm thinking of you, and I hope life gets better for you!
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u/Academic-Balance6999 2d ago
I am not codependent and I still ended up with an alcoholic. He did not become an alcoholic until more than 15 years into our relationship.
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u/10handsllc 1d ago
My therapist brought up recently in a session the “imposter syndrome” and “addicted to unhappiness”. These look a lot like codependency and the term codependency has not been used in any of our sessions.
I think that these two ideas are applicable to my reality in that sometimes I just screw things up, relationships included, and at times I screw things up because I do not feel like I belong or deserve positive outcomes. Those drivers in me are directly linked to my childhood and they at times make me feel like I am on acid and watching myself from outside my body prodding me to screw something up. Kinda spiritual and kinda crazy to say out loud. I have too many thoughts in my head about everything. I have rarely felt grounded in and out of relationships. I always wanted the “something” else but never have truly found it to my knowledge. At least if I did, I feel pretty sure I screwed it up or walked right by it.
I do not put a lot of stock in the term codependency because I feel the very nature of it seems like a surrender to those who have hurt you over the corse of your life or have taken from you. I am clear in that once I became of age I have made some bad choices and those choices are my responsibility no matter who else or what relationship status we had thinks. If I don’t own my choices I am merely just blaming someone else. Just because I was hurt doesn’t give me privilege to hide behind the codependency title.
Take care of yourself and use what is left for others is my mantra these days.
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u/knit_run_bike_swim 2d ago
I’m not sure. As far as I know, there is no ICD for codependent. One of the limiters might be that a disease must meet two conditions: occur in isolation and be treatable. The second part is easy, but the first is a bit more complicated. One can easily argue that “codependency” may occur with anxiety disorder or depression. So is it one or the other?
Alcoholism does have an ICD.
With all that said, Alanon helped me to just focus on me and my way out. That means feeling things rather than rationalizing. I hate that. I’m a trained clinician-scientist. I love to research and rationalize.
For me, I was raised in an alcoholic home. The drunk (my mom) left really early on. We were lucky, but my dad, the Alanonic. As Ann Lamott says— he and I have black belts in codependency. I know how to get you to do what I want— and I’ll do whatever you want me to do, but I’m gonna be silently hostile while doing it.
❤️
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u/AlphabetSoup51 2d ago
It’s true for me. Raised by a narcissist. Highly co-dependent (But healing! Learning!) and ended up marrying a covert narc, getting divorced, and later getting into a 3-year relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic.
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u/Electrical-Twist2254 2d ago
idk ive never lived or dealt with an alcoholic. I don’t know if I was codependent but my drinking habits were similar to my boyfriend’s when we met 5 years ago…only the past year he really started to spiral
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 2d ago
Research is good and necessary and sometimes leads to effective treatment. Al-Anon Family Groups are free and available to anyone anywhere. The experience, strength, and hope Al-Anon offers doesn’t depend on science or profit. It’s free and confidential.
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u/duchesscharlotte 1d ago
Dysfunctional people are attracted to other dysfunctional folks. The codependent soul is drawn to “helping” the alcoholic. Aww nobody luvs him but I m just right for him . I’ll Make him better and happy with my love. And then the circus begins…
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u/duchesscharlotte 1d ago
Sorry to totally disagree with you codependency was brought into the mainstream of thinktalk by Melodie Beattie with her bestselling Codependent No More. It’s the gospel on codependent behavior It is far from cliche. It’s reality.
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u/Lauren_RNBSN 2d ago
Well in my personal experience it has been true. Not sure why I gravitate towards them, can’t help it, and once I’m sucked in, it’s pretty difficult to get out. Doomed. 🤷♀️