r/AlAnon • u/OkGrapefruit2621 • 2d ago
Support He has no rock bottom
My brother has been drinking most of his adult life. He’s been in rehab three times in the last year. But each time when his 30 days are up, he goes back to his house and continues the cycle over again. Despite the many tactics we’ve tried to continue to get him long term help. And each time it gets worse.
People keep saying to set boundaries and eventually he’ll hit rock bottom. I don’t think there is a bottom. He’s stopped eating—either because he can’t stomach food anymore or his neuropathy is so bad he can barely walk a block. He’s starving himself. And refuses to go the hospital. Refuses to answer the door for wellness visits. Has stopped taking calls. Let’s friends in sometimes, but rarely. What else is there to do?
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u/fearmyminivan 2d ago
You can only protect your own wellness at this point. He’s determined to be unwell- that doesn’t mean you have to be unwell. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself and not driving yourself crazy trying to make him quit. It’ll drive you insane.
Focus on what you can control. That’s your own actions and reactions. You have no control over his. You can tell him how you feel- but you can’t make him change because of it.
One conversation that did give my ex a little bit of a kick in the pants was when his sister made him sign a health care advanced directive so the family could know his wishes if he were to pass away. It didn’t make him quit drinking or get sober- but it bothered him enough that he talked to his mom about it. It was a similar situation- he’d go days or weeks without talking to anybody and we would send wellness checks.
Don’t focus on making him stop. Focus on making sure you are mentally and emotionally well. That’s all you can do right now.
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u/BucktoothWookiee 2d ago
My brother’s rock bottom was his death. There is nothing you can do to stop someone from drinking themselves to death if that’s what they want to do. If you could, my brother would still be alive, believe me. The ultimate bottom is death.
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u/OkGrapefruit2621 2d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a sad end that I feel like is coming. I struggle with the guilt a lot like we’re all just letting it happen. But I’ve tried everything I know how to try.
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u/BucktoothWookiee 2d ago
I know, I’m SO sorry. I am heartbroken at the loss of my brother and my heart breaks for you too. Looking back at everything I did trying to save him, I actually think all I did was prolong his suffering. You can’t make them. Finally about 2 weeks before he died I just stopped. I finally “got it”. He chose his path. We were all being pulled under with him. I hope you stick around here for support and get help in your life too. Meetings, counseling, all the stuff. Again, I’m sorry. I hope that isn’t the future for your brother 🙏🏻
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u/PiePlate513 2d ago
This is so tough. Unfortunately, Alcoholism is a 100% fatal disease if left unchecked. Unlike with brain tumors, there is a chance for the alcoholic to get help early on. But unfortunately, after awhile, the part of the brain that can choose life is shut down permanently.
BTW, boundaries are not for him. They are for YOU. Boundaries are like this: what are YOU willing to do to protect your peace. What your brother does is as irrelevant as what an internet stranger does. Sure, it is painful to watch, but in the end, boundaries say nothing about other people, and only reflect on your willingness to protect yourself.
But if you watch him and keep thinking that there is some amount of control you have over another human being's decisions, even if it's just "if only he would listen to me/love his family enough to listen" - you are setting yourself up for a black hole of grief/disappointment/anger.
One thing you can do: practice radical acceptance. Your brother is a human being and to that end, his life has value. You can love the person that he was with all your heart, and grieve for the loss of that person. You can grieve for the dream of the person that he could have been, the relationship you could have had.
It is not inhumane to walk away from him and let him live the consequences of his life. It is a kind of honor that no one wants to know, but one you should allow yourself and your brother to have.
Alcoholics often are self medicating great wounds, and they can't fix them. Often times those wounds were inflicted in childhood or youth, and often times involved a loss of autonomy. Family members of addicts inadvertently continue that pattern because they try to fix, help, support the addict. All it does is keep the addict from having to face the truth themselves, in its fullest and most ugliest form. By walking away from them, you are in fact saying "this is your life. I will not interfere. The victories and defeats are all yours."
It may be that these last defeats are the only thing they have left. This is so sad. But you should not try to take those on for yourself. Those are not your burdens.
I wish you peace.
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u/AdditionalMastodon18 2d ago
Thank you. I’m the mom of 23 year old. I’m exhausted. Heartbroken. Furious. And I’m not giving up but I’m letting go.
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u/Ashamed_Definition77 2d ago
There’s nothing you can do. But the way he’s going, he will die soon. My husband stopped eating too. Literally only drank alcohol towards the end. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
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u/AdditionalMastodon18 2d ago
I’m so sorry. It’s a fucking horrible disease. I get it. Watching it happen to my son. In real time. Praying for Hope. Every day. Preparing for the worst. Every day. It’s not a good way to live. For me. Or for him.
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u/JasonandtheArgo9696 2d ago
Recovery, institutionalization(mental health or judicial) or death are the three main outcomes
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u/knit_run_bike_swim 2d ago
That doesn’t mean you can’t. Why not come to Alanon?
Meetings are online and inperson. You don’t have to live like that. It’s up to you. ❤️
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 2d ago
You are completely powerless over your beloved brother’s actions and choices. Your brother’s situation does sound dire and fatal. You have my sympathy.
Al-Anon members have written a book about the many forms of grief that alcoholism brings to our lives. You may find it comforting and helpful to know you are not alone. Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses can be purchased from Al-anon.org.
You would be welcome in meetings where you will find anonymous, confidential support from others who understand, will listen and care.
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u/Icy-Tutor-9027 2d ago
My heart goes out to you. There’s no hell quite like watching someone you love drink or abuse themselves to death. Saying a prayer to the universe right now that solidarity may bring you some peace.
You have to take care of you.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DDzcUluiiZ3/?igsh=MWg2NmZ2eHVvdGxnbw==
This story touched me and helped me understand my dynamic with my Q.
Edited for spelling correction
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u/Maleficent-Bug-2045 1d ago
Well, if he tries rehab again, try to get him to try SMART recovery. It’s #2 to 12 step.
SMART is very psychology based. It doesn’t require you to have hit a rock bottom.
It emphasizes understanding what drives you to use so you have strategies to keep it from happening. They help you find your own worst triggers, and how you avoid them or rethink them.
For example, for your brother, being alone in his home is a huge trigger. So they would help him think about avoiding that by going into sober living for 90 days, or whatever.
SMART also has meetings like AA that reinforce these skills.
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u/No_Band_9799 2d ago
It’s horrible to say but u can’t help or change some people , u have to step back and worry about urself, ur brother has to want to change, if he wants to drink he will drink!
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u/June_Osborn3 1d ago
It’s so tough. I have cut contact with my brother for similar reasons. It’s so heartbreaking to see someone you love destroy themselves. It’s ok to protect yourself in this situation and take a big step back.
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u/Bruins115 1d ago
I was about to comment that “I’ve never heard that before, in terms of your TITLE”, but I know people that succumbed to the disease before (cirrhosis). So there was no rock bottom for them either. It was painful to witness their slow deaths BUT the only thing that got me through was thinking they were no longer in pain and no longer suffering. It was terrible.
Some people just don’t quit.
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u/ptiboy1er 2h ago
Has the very famous bottom, of the alcoholic, the famous bottom that we hear very often The famous bottom, which precedes the start of abstinence In my opinion. it is not a reality, but a construction of the mind
Or, you have to tell me, how do you know, that there won't be another bottom, even deeper
This is a very serious question, because in the alcoholic anonymous and alanon world, this word is used a lot
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u/EllyStar 2d ago
Unfortunately, for some people, rock bottom is death.