r/AlAnon • u/Fearless-Library-156 • 1d ago
Vent Went thru his phone…
I decided finally that I couldn’t pretend anymore that I didn’t know about the drinking. Two falls in one day is enough for me. But someone hiding a drinking problem makes their behavior sneaky and hard to trust, so I had to look through his phone to make sure he wasn’t cheating, before deciding to put in the effort of talking to him about his drinking…
Long story short, anyone else have a Q that just pathetically gets drunk and messages insta/fitness models “hey” and “daddy” to only get a reply if they want his money?
Decided to talk to him, he says he is going to try AA and dedicate himself to fixing things, and he wants my support. I’m just happy I got to tell him it’s pathetic and embarrassing (to both of us) to act like a drunken gooner and he’s lucky that his attempts at cheating on me were with professionals who don’t give a fuck about him. I got to tell him that I was not ashamed of him for his drinking problem, but I AM ashamed to have a partner who behaves so embarrassingly and clearly spends a LOT of time looking at pics of other dudes (we’re gay). He’s gonna take me to dinner tonight if he remembers that talk, and we’ll see what happens.
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u/Silver_Hedgehog4774 1d ago
In my experience, this is an unhealthy blend of shame towards himself and disrespect towards you.
but, I think what would be best for both of you is to have some time apart. break out of this environment, and let them know you aren't ending things with them, but that you need them to go and get themselves better and not have you around to bear through it.
Them getting sober ISN'T your responsibility. Them getting sober shouldn't put you in jeopardy of more disappointment and heartbreak and stress and anger. You have you to work on, they have themselves to work on, and while it may seem counterintuitive at first to try and do that apart, it is by far the best thing to do, in my opinion
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u/Fearless-Library-156 1d ago
He’s supposed to be going home soon to see his mom and I’m so hoping it gives me the time I need away from him
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u/Silver_Hedgehog4774 1d ago
to offer my opinion one last time, make that time with his mom last at least 6 months of continuous sobriety and therapy / meetings. during that 6 months maybe take your own inventory on where you are and where you think you need to be and what getting there will probably look like. it may seem like a lot of time now, 6 months will literally fly by, but it's just enough time to help essentially rewire your brain from the situation that you're in
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u/italian_gurl 1d ago
Yes. My Q was always drunk texting women. I let it “slide” because it was so obvious they were drunken black out texts. I also didn’t care cause I was planning on leaving him.
But I remember him distinctly messaging a stripper He had met years ago. His exes. Random women on Snapchat. Almost 99% of the women didn’t answer. And they would always be sent at like 2 am when he was wasted.
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u/Fearless-Library-156 1d ago
It’s literally so embarrassing to have a partner who behaves like this!! It makes us look stupid and clueless ugh I’m kinda on my way there as well
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u/stinkstankstunkiii 1d ago
It makes THEM look stupid, not you/us.
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u/Fearless-Library-156 21h ago
It makes me FEEL stupid lmfaooo like why am I dating a drunken gooner???? Ugh
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u/Old-Arachnid77 1d ago
Check your bank balance to see what he’s sent them