r/AlAnon • u/ClasslessKitty • 1d ago
Support Sell it to me straight
I've only been to a few meetings. I bought the books but haven't read them yet. After seeing some post on here, I recognize my situation isn't nearly as bad as some. I've decided to stay married for various reasons, children being the main concern but it's difficult to navigate how to act. Which is why I wanted to post today. I'm afraid of what might happen to us financially and legally if Q continues to drink and drive. I had a long talk with him about it, and since then he has been calling me to pick him up. At first, I felt the need to encourage him to make the choice to not drive so I was picking him up. But now it's been a handful of times he's asked me to pick him up. I'm torn. Should I not answer or say no so that he is forced to find another ride, Uber, walk, etc? I fear that if I don't answer, he will drive. There is such a fine line between enabling and protecting our children/assets. The teenager who is about to start driving needs to see that you should not get behind the wheel of a car when you've been drinking. Its so hard to decide what is right and wrong. How have some of you handled this?
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u/loverules1221 1d ago
Your son will learn a lot more from an alcoholic father than just driving drunk. They see a lot more than we think. I’m sorry but staying for your kids is ridiculous. They see and hear everything and it causes a lot of trauma for many many years.
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u/LuckyInLove8789 1d ago
1000% agree. As a child of an alcoholic, and I was young 7/8 years old when I knew my mom had a problem. My parents did divorce but because it was the 90's my mom got primary custody. My dad fought like hell for 2 years to get my sisters and I out of that nightmare.
You don't need to jump to divorce BUT for the kids well being try to leave with them or tell him he has to leave. And I know all of this is easier said then done. But if you can get them away from the kids and until she gets help he can only see the kids under supervision.
Best of luck to you OP, I know this isn't easy.
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
I’m sorry but staying for your kids is ridiculous. They see and hear everything and it causes a lot of trauma for many many years.
The only situation I understand is where someone is afraid of unsupervised custody situations. But OP’s kid is a teenager. Teenagers largely aren’t forced to see parents.
It breaks my heart because in an addict (sober now) who damaged my kids and the child of addicts. I pray my kids will break the cycle.
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u/ClasslessKitty 1d ago
I am grateful for your honesty. Much to consider.
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u/loverules1221 1d ago
Good luck. I hope you’re able to find a way to raise your kids without this man. The trauma is real. I wish you nothing about the best.❤️
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u/Ashamed_Definition77 1d ago
My husband was driving a leased SUV. My brother and I took it from him and hid it at my brother’s house (he has a lot of property). I think their drunk driving is the one part where we do need to try and take a little control because he could hurt or kill innocent people. It’s not enabling as much as protecting the public and your family at this point. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would still pick him up.
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u/geekspice 1d ago
Please do not delude yourself that you are doing your children any kind of favor by raising them in a home with an active alcoholic. They will be paying the price for your decision for the rest of their lives.
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u/Similar-Skin3736 1d ago
I feel sick to my stomach when ppl are worried about financial consequences to DUIs.
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u/ClasslessKitty 1d ago
I understand how you feel. I've been picking him up because I don't want anyone to get hurt. But I cannot control his actions, nor assume responsibility for his recklessness. Just trying to protect the kids and survive.
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u/Similar-Skin3736 1d ago
The straight truth is you control your actions and your kids are seeing drinking and reckless behavior as normal. It’s not your fault he’s choosing this, but you are enabling it.
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u/knit_run_bike_swim 1d ago
Maybe just keep going to Alanon. No one is really in your situation. The point of Alanon is to keep the focus on yourself. I hate that.
By doing so I learned to stop doing things that left me angry. If someone wanted me to pick them up, and I was just going to get angry— I should probably say no. Save everyone the nightmare headache of me being angry.
I could never do that before Alanon. I was nice and wanted everyone to think I was nice. Turns out, being nice and silently hostile is a really bad way to live.
Just keep coming. ❤️
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u/Western_Hunt485 1d ago
By picking him up you are enabling him. If he drives he needs to take responsibility for his actions , not you. I I can say I have never heard or talked to a child of an alcoholic who is not full of trauma and non trusting. It is your responsibility to keep them safe both physically and emotionally. Married you are responsible for any trouble he gets into
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u/Heartbroken_waiting 1d ago
About $60,000 is what my partners drunk driving accident set us back. Bonus is that it was his rock bottom and he hasn’t had a drink since (almost 2 years) but it was hell and he’s lucky he didn’t go to jail.
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u/ClasslessKitty 1d ago
I'm so sorry to hear you went thru that but thankful he was able to answer the wake up call
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u/STORMDRAINXXX 1d ago
Honestly. It is what you feel good/comfortable with. You will know what’s right or wrong for you and your situation when you listen to your gut.
What I will point out and give to you straight is that when you are choosing to stay in relationship with your Q, these are the situations you are choosing to put yourself in. And if you are not comfortable with the situations that you are being put in by staying in relationship with the Q then the question again becomes if staying in relationship with them is what you want for yourself?
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u/ClasslessKitty 1d ago
Real talk. I'm so worn down. Was hoping to see the last one off to college but I don't know if I'll make it that long.
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u/STORMDRAINXXX 1d ago
I hear that you are hurting. This is such a difficult thing to go through. Do you mean don’t know if you’ll make it that long to stay with your Q, or are you having thoughts or feelings of un aliving yourself?
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u/ClasslessKitty 1d ago
I'm sorry to be unclear, I meant in the marriage.
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u/STORMDRAINXXX 1h ago
No worries. Just wanted to check to be sure. And, sometimes it’s just one day at a time. Thinking about everything in the future can be so daunting and overwhelming. Sometimes, we just need to make it through the day, the hour, the minute.
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u/screamertree 1d ago
The "should I, shouldn't I?" Is what would keep me up at night. There were years where I would put myself, my kids and everyone else out just to accommodate my Q (who is also my husband), just to have the same situation happen again the next day. I had to realize that this behavior was enabling my Q and robbing me of my serenity. I made the conscious decision that he was in active addiction, and those were his decisions, I was choosing my OWN road to recovery and that didn't include enabling him, he needed to go through the consequences of his actions. Oh, and he did, MULTIPLE times! I've been in Al Anon for over five years and it took daily reading and leaning on my group and sponsors to get me through it, but that was what had to happen for my Q to wake up and get sober. Lean on your support system, and remind yourself that you are not responsible to clean up the mess from his decisions.
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u/ClasslessKitty 1d ago
I'm proud of you for doing the hard work. I hope to be strong enough to get where you are someday. Thanks for responding.
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u/Most_Routine2325 1d ago
Okay. Since this can go in any number of directions outside your control, my advice is to upgrade your insurance.
That way no matter what happens in your journey of figuring out "how much enabling am I willing to do?" you have a set it and forget it protection in the background at all times no matter what.
The most likely scenario of him getting a DUI and losing his license is financially survivable and might be its own lesson for your teenage driver.
But, get an umbrella policy that will protect your home and not bankrupt you in the (less likely) event of, say, him running a red light and killing a pedestrian in a crosswalk.
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u/ClasslessKitty 1d ago
This is very sound and wise advice. I so appreciate you taking the time to respond.
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u/BicycleFamiliar429 1d ago
This is enabling. The lesson your children may be learning is how to enable but to call it helping.
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u/StarJumper_1 1d ago
I'm just going to say this. Yes picking him up is enabling him, but is also protecting other individuals from being hit and killed by him. To me there's a clear choice.
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u/SOmuch2learn 1d ago edited 1d ago
Please protect your children from the chaos of alcoholism. Focus on them and your own survival and mental health.
You didn’t cause the alcoholism and cannot control or cure it. Efforts to control an active alcoholic are not recommended—because you cannot fix him and you can ruin your life by trying.
I urge reading “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.
Attending Alanon meetings connected me with people who understood what I was going through. Learning about enabling, boundaries, and detachment was enlightening and liberating.
Seeing a therapist could be helpful, also, not only for you but, also, for your children.
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u/AdhesivenessNo6719 1d ago
Thank you for sharing. Keep going to meetings and find a home group (that’s the one you keep going to week after week) and start reading the books. If there’s someone at the meeting who has recovery and is available to sponsor, I would ask them for help. The only way I got strong enough to make different choices was through the support of working the 12 steps, belonging to the fellowship and help from higher power. Wishing you the very best of luck, none of this is easy. 🙏
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u/Electrical_Beyond998 1d ago
I went and picked mine up so many times. So many times. Took my kids with me almost every time too. He still got DUI’s, luckily never hurt anyone.
If I could go back in time I would never, ever load my kids in the car to pick him up. But you do what you feel you have to do in the moment.
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
When he drives and kills someone, it won’t be at all difficult to determine right from wrong.
When you know he’s drunk behind the wheel, call the police. Do that every time until he’s behind bars.