No contact

[u/Small-Contribution88]

Hey everyone,

First I want to say thank you for all the content everyone has placed in this reddit. So far I have not posted anything yet, but I have read a lot and it’s helped me a lot in taking care of myself and making healthier decisions.

For the past 5 years I’ve had a pretty close friendship with someone who has an extensive history with alcohol. When we met he was sober though, and for most of the time we were friends he was sober. It’s just the last year that he has relapsed multiple times. I was not intimately familiar with how bad alcohol addiction can get. My dad drinks too much and I have always thought he is probably an alcoholic, but this is a whole other level. Like losing all control, having to go to the hospital, the shakes, and starting again right after getting home. Really scary stuff. He’s been through a month rehab twice now, but keeps relapsing. I had already told him a couple of times I would take some distance because the chaos and worry was killing me, but it was hard to completely let go. 8 weeks ago I decided it was too much for me to handle after he told me he had been in a bar fight and I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and would break off all contact. I blocked him everywhere.

Yesterday I found out, by accident, that the emails he send me went into my spam folder, and I read them. There was nothing in there that makes me feel any different about my decision, but I still feel a pull towards answering (which I do not want to do, obviously!). My question is, what do you guys do when you feel that pull of engaging again? How do you distract yourself? Does it get easier? We might not have been married or in a relationship, but I’ve cared a lot for this man for many years. We’ve seen each other through some rough times. It’s very painful that it has to end like this..

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[u/dalidalda]

I've felt the pull before. And sitting on the other side of it, please don't do it. Imagine your future self who could be somehow hurting unimaginably worse than you already have. Or even in danger. I keep working on practicing to love myself more and the pull lessens, but my partner has a deep connection with me because he represents a lot of the profound love I never had as a child. It made the natural chemistry undeniable but even more amplified with the substance abuse and trauma bonding.

There might be a moment when you don't feel a pull (i think the word in itself describes its unwilling) and you instead sense it's a moment to re-engage without feeling an external force on you. I'm not in belief that all hope is gone, but it just seems too soon.

Keep taking care of yourself, making healthy decisions, protect yourself and your future self (and maybe honor your past self).

[u/Small-Contribution88 → u/dalidalda]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I definitely needed to hear someone else saying ‘please don’t’. I will let the day go by and hope I’ll feel better tomorrow.