r/AlAnon • u/Lauren_RNBSN • 1d ago
Support It’s over
Someone I fell so deeply for this year, someone I thought I would marry and have children with and build a little home and garden with - told me he realized he was an alcoholic about a month ago and nothing has been the same since. We’ve spoken once since then, when he told me he missed me and cared deeply for me and was going to marry me…and then he disappeared. He used to disappear in the earlier days for a few days at a time, no big deal. But now it’s absence for much longer.
My anxiety got the best of me after 10 days of not hearing from him despite me reaching out every few days. I even said explicitly that I really needed attention soon and that his absence was making me feel really sad. But not that it had to be a long conversation or anything, just an acknowledgment to know he still cared. He never responded.
Last night I couldn’t sleep, and I finally wrote “I can’t do this anymore”.
4 hours later he finally responded “I’m sorry. I wish I could be the person you needed me to be.”
We exchanged a few words. He told me he meant everything he said about children and a family.
This morning I sent my final message - apologizing for making this all about me, probably causing more stress that he doesn’t need during this time where he is struggling with his challenges, and that I’ll probably just do more damage at this point. I told him he should block me because I couldn’t, I wasn’t ready.
Then after sitting with my feelings for a bit, I took some screenshots of the most beautiful conversations we had together, deleted his number, and deleted the text thread.
I can’t contact him now. I know it’s for the best. But fuck does this hurt.
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u/Lauren_RNBSN 1d ago
I literally feel sick to my stomach and can’t stop crying. I feel like I am abandoning him when ironically he’s the one who abandoned me.
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u/machinegal 1d ago
These feelings are important in your healing. It will get better. He would have only caused you more pain.
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u/Jarring-loophole 1d ago
Gently.. hopefully you are getting counselling. Just rereading your history you posted on someone else’s comment and it seems maybe again gently, that you might feel if you can save one then you are worth something. Remember none of this is your fault. You didn’t cause it, YOU cannot cure it, and you can’t control it. Even what you just said that you feel like you’re abandoning him. He abandoned you. There is definitely something there you can talk to a counsellor about and move past. You sound like a good person stuck in the cycle of trying to save those around you. Save yourself, you’re worth it. He’s not the one. You’re the one.
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u/machinegal 1d ago
Good job! I also think it’s worth examining why you accept bread crumbs in a relationship—so you don’t repeat the pattern. “He used to disappear for a few days…” I’m not sure why this would be acceptable behavior in a relationship. It seems detached.
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u/Lauren_RNBSN 1d ago
Oh I am fully self aware of why I accept it. But also a few days at a time wasn’t really too concerning to me because it was still early and I also value that people have their own lives. I also had expressed I wanted to take things slow and allow space because it was my first relationship in many years and I didn’t want to repeat patterns of codependency and anxious attachment (this was all before things became more serious and way before I knew he was an alcoholic).
My dad and my brother are both alcoholics - my dad was in rehab 3 times during my high school and college years. He’s not currently sober. And my brother - he was visibly ill for the past 3 years (jaundice) but this summer he started to have obvious edema and so I started spending weekends in town with him to push him to get medical help. He’s at I think 70ish days sober, has consistent appts with his PCP and a hepatoligist, and I think when he realized he needed medications and has confirmed cirrhosis - he needs to change or he will die.
So - I am comfortable with addicts and broken humans. I feel like “normal” people won’t understand my past and my family. I feel shame and it’s too hard to explain why I am the way I am because of my family dynamic. Deep down I know it’s all codependency. And I’m definitely working on it. It’s tough when I seem to only be able to form emotional connections with these types of people - oh the good old trauma bond.
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u/machinegal 1d ago
It’s so great to have that self awareness. You are on a better track than I was. I had three alcoholic relationships and now two of them are dead. I’m determined to beat this pattern. It’s nothing but misery. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure so much with your family. Wishing you courage, strength, and hope.
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u/dalidalda 1d ago
Thank you for sharing this. I've felt this pain with my partner when I left him twice, and I'm dreading doing this again with finality this time. I finally gave into the feeling of hope of children and family and home. And having to dismantle the house brick by brick, and say goodbye to the children and the world we wanted to create with the beautiful moments we've had together. He always said the best things but when he was drinking or stuck in a cycle of use, it was extremely painful.
A cliche thing to say, it's not linear but it gets better. Your post is reminding me now it feels better after a while (the heartbreak grief is there and slow to go, but I was finding myself and happiness again). I think you're incredibly strong and I admire you.
I don't know if it helps but you can read posts here to realize it can get so deep and hard to leave. I'm really happy for you and really hope for good things to come your way every day.
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u/Pherenike_11989 1d ago
Well done to you. I appreciate you want stability (children and a family), and I am sure a part of him wants that too, but addiction is stronger in him than that desire, and there is not a thing you can do to change things for him. I used to be in the exact same situation, until I accepted that it was not meant for me, and that he would never meet me where I wanted our relationship to be. He took his own life after a few failed attempts to get me back and way too many relapses. The pain is endless, believe me. But you can change things for yourself, and focus on prioritising your own needs. Be honest about what you want and if the person in your thoughts can deliver. If their actions hurt you or don't match their words, ask yourself why you want them to stay. What are you getting out of it? Are your needs being met? Be selfish and prioritize yourself.
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u/nomerjr23 1d ago
Sending prayers, love and d encouragement. It may go against all of the hopes and dreams you had built up in your head, but you’re making the right choice and are avoiding much bigger and more meaningful heartbreak in the future.
I’m 9 years into a relationship with three little ones, where I sacrificed so much to attain and build the happy family. For the second time addiction is washing it all away. I think addiction and its insidiousness seeks a certain type of partner - someone with character, empathy and willing to forgive. Take the time to heal, learn and understand. I’m just staring to realize I can’t fix the addiction in my wife. That unconditional truth is simultaneously humbling, frustrating and liberating. Not sure how exactly.
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u/stevie__kicks 1d ago
Sending you so much healing for this deep ache. You did the right thing, for yourself and your someday future children. ♥️
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
I also think it’s worth examining why you accept bread crumbs in a relationship—so you don’t repeat the pattern. “He used to disappear for a few days…” I’m not sure why this would be acceptable behavior in a relationship.
I thought the same thing. OP, you seem to be romanticizing a very dysfunctional relationship. Probably a good idea to stop dating until you plug this hole.
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u/knit_run_bike_swim 1d ago
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I had the romantic obsession early on. It was my way out. It was my escape. I met the man I was gonna marry 100 times.
Over a decade later, and I’m still not married. I don’t actually think I’ll ever get married by choice. It’s a bit of a trap if you ask me.
Someone wise once told me that if someone tells you that they love you in the first 90 days of meeting— it’s time to walk the other way. Love is slow. It should be. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time. However, we are all exactly where we are supposed to be.
My escape method was nothing but plain old Alanonism. I thought if I just found the right personality I’d be okay. I never felt okay so I needed someone else to crutch on.
Nothing happens by coincidence. Maybe this is your shot to come to Alanon. Meetings are online and inperson. It’ll change your thinking. ❤️
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u/ReceptionAlive6019 1d ago
im sorry homie. i’m so proud of you. your future self is weeping tears of joy and gratitude right now at your courage. i know things suck right now, and it’s ok for things to suck for a little while. please just don’t forget it will get better 💕
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u/zopelar1 1d ago
I’m still PO’d at my fiancé in the 80’s….my dad sat us down and said, son we love you but you can’t marry my daughter being the drinker that you…you’re a good man and we love you”….I’m long time married to another and 80’s love is 15 yrs sober. We wish each other Happy Bdays and Christmas and almost every time he says “I should have married you”. Life is full of twists and turns.
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u/Big-Performance5047 12h ago
If he goes into recovery and stays with it He may be amazing partner! Did you notice his drinking at all? You are so lucky he was honest with you. That is unusual.
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u/Lauren_RNBSN 12h ago
I’m sure this response will go against what a lot of people have already said, and I’m sure it makes me look like I’m willing to accept breadcrumbs in the future and that I truly need therapy….
…but I agree. He’s young (there is a significant age gap here), but the fact that he was honest with me and knows he needs help was really unexpected in the sense that the addicts I know have been in denial for years and years and years. There are a lot of things that we’ve discussed over time that makes me believe he would be an amazing partner and father - his character and values are really admirable and align with mine. It’s just that he’s sick right now. It’s clear he doesn’t have the capacity to meet my needs during this time. I just hope that this separation will help him save himself. I can’t compulsively contact him now which is healthy for us both. I think I cut things off at a good point where we didn’t fall too deeply into anything toxic, we’ve limited the damage done here, and now we can invest in ourselves. And if we reconnect in the future and things have changed, I have left the door slightly open. But I’m not naive, I’m 36 and have lived a lot of life. I’ve formed a lot of relationships with people and I do know my absolute dealbreakers (cheating, emotional abuse, physical abuse). So…I guess we’ll see.
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u/Big-Performance5047 11h ago
Hope it turns out well. People in recovery Are wonderful if they continue to go to meetings.
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u/hulahulagirl 1d ago
😞💔 Proud of you for realizing this early on.