Im 28 years old, hes 30. We were together for almost 5 years with a lot of ups and downs. He was an alcoholic for 10 years prior but always said he was going to get professional help. He ultimately never did. He knew what to say and how to say it. He'd chase me back into the cycle whenever I would leave.

Its hard to mourn the break up and adequately make sense of it all when it felt like I was dating 4 different people.

There was the violent drunk who would sometimes put his hands on me, the guy who'd beg for forgiveness, say the right things and try to make things seem okay for a while and then the guy who'd completely check out of the relationship. It was this cycle for years.

There was the drinking and there was also all of the lies. There were white lies, serious lies, lies about money and lies about other women.

I moved out and back with family so that I could recover after a medical procedure. He drank up until the day I went in for surgery. I begged and he refused to stop.

An hour before I went in for surgery, I had to call HIM and he was already drunk. He had no intention of calling me. I couldnt walk for about a month and he didnt ask if I needed help in any way. He'd just send me paragraphs of complete nonsense and then disappear for hours on end. He then announced that he bought a sex doll because he "missed me".

This was the end for me but the relationship didnt completely end at this point. I always felt like I couldnt abandon him.

He still hadn't received professional help besides AA on zoom for a few weeks (we live in a city with meetings going on all the time) and then therapy over the phone with an old "family friend" or something. He ultimately decided it was "making him drink" so he stopped that too.

Every time Id be around him for a few hours, my body would start to react negatively. Id break up with him and leave, even when he wasnt drinking. I started researching BPD and worried that I may have been splitting. I was lying to myself about trusting him and feeling comfortable. I felt like a monster for acting this way but I felt so attached and could never leave for good. I still feel bad. My nervous system was so messed up. I felt like I was fighting myself for a long time.

The last 6 months of our relationship were weird. I was living separately from him still, probably seeing him twice a week at most. He wasnt drinking from what I understood but he was smoking a lot of weed. I wouldn't have known because we werent together all the time anymore. He had to get his wisdom teeth removed so I agreed to take care of him if he needed it.

Long story short, he ended up getting them removed on another day, got black out drunk and disappeared for 3 days. I called him because I was worried for his safety and he would continuously tell me i was worthless. Calling me names, screaming, threatening my life and my families.

This was the end for me. The cycle started again and he was apologizing profusely. Saying that this happened because we dont have an apartment together and that he wants to now sign a lease asap and create a "safe space" together. He promised that this would never happen again and things werent going to get bad again. I was shocked. I told him no. Later that week, he called me again and said all of the horrible things again. I ended up recording the call to keep myself accountable. The next day he denied that the call ever happened.

I blocked him everywhere and haven't looked back until today. I keep feeling like I abandoned him. He has this pull on me. Please tell me not to reach out

Summary, I am 47f and my SO is 49m, he just came out as an alcoholic. We have been together 15 years. He was a secret drinker at the beginning of the month. He took accountability for everything, and now I know what was causing our random fights were he was irrational and mean, he said they were all due to his drinking. We are living separately, texting during the week, talking 1 a week, we have had a few in person things, they were brief, he needed more items from the house and this week, our cat had an issue. We had initially talked about him moving back after his 30 day chip... well that is now coming up.

Yesterday during our call he was very open about the things that tempted him throughout the week. Which I didn't ask for, but I have been asking for openness (obviously) and I was very grateful, and have been very grateful of everything he has shared. I know it is hard for him.

He is talking about 90 in 90. I told him I support him in that of course, but therapy is important, and needs to be added. I don't want it pushed off, he seemed to understand. I have started therapy and I explained i wanted a yours, mine and ours therapy. And I prefer my issues with what he did be discussed in therapy to give both of us a safe space. (I am not trying to freak him out into a shame spiral, nor am I trying to "it's fine " myself, about my feelings on the things he has said, done, and , I mean, the deception).

During our call, with his chip approaching, I suggested a soft reboot... maybe just weekends to start, or even, just every other weekends for September. (Which is very much me, when he moved in, it was just on a trial basis for the summer, that was 14 years ago, so technically...)

I tried to be honest with him, I want the slow move in because, I don't want to overwhelm and work against his progress. I didnt tell him how much I like just being alone during the week. I like it because it is calm. If he can re-bring calm reasonable energy near me, then maybe. I think now I know what was happening to him (I mean, he had spouts of weirdness, but now I know why)

I personally still think he holds alot of guilt and shame for what he did, and he is not going to work that out until we go to therapy. And he really needs his own therapy to work on why he does not have proper coping mechanisms...I wholeheartedly support him going to meetings and being able to talk to people that will understand his struggles on a way that I never will.

My/our cat seems okay now. That was some stress. He had a hairball. Which sounds silly, I adopted him 6 months ago. This is his 1st hairball. So I wasnt not familiar with how HE reacts to not feeling well.

It's weird, if the cat didnt react the way he did (he got aggressive towards me - which i have never had a cat do) i wouldn't have called my SO, who seems to be all sorts of distant, unless I need something, like he cannot wait to help me. To show up for me. I am trying to explain to him, the everyday things are showing up, not just when there is a problem.

Thank you for listening... I am almost ready to go to a meeting. Just waiting to get a bit more steady.

Long story but I naively married my husband knowing he was an alcoholic but I thought he was a nice alcoholic. Things have been progressive worse over the last year to the point he has lost 5 jobs in one year, did a hit and run driving drunk, then was arrested in June for destroying property in our home. After his release I told him I can't force him but he had to do some kind of treatment, counseling and medications if he wanted to be allowed back home because I have a 3 year old son who does NOT deserve this. I see now that I was trying to force someone into recovery who wasn't ready and that was codependent behavior on my end. He stopped drinking for exactly 30 days. I came home at noon on day 30 and he was drinking while taking the medication Antabuse before he had a job interview scheduled, 6 days after doing the hit and run. I told him he needed to leave and he got very angry but packed some things and left.

About 8 hours later he returned extremely drunk in a blackout and began screaming and beating on the door threatening to kick it in. I placed the item he wanted outside hoping he would go. This happened again the same evening and he got inside, held my son and myself in a pitch black room against our will and wouldn't let us leave. By the grace of God he found something of mine to go smash outside and I took my son and ran to my car and left and called the police. He has now been in jail 2 months again with felony charges this time. In this time I have been attending meetings, found several close female friends, and been exercising every day and things are so much more peaceful with my sweet son at home. I filed a protective order and it was reported to cps because my son witnessed that so been dealing with that too which has been stressful but all they want is my husband out of the home, and he doesn't even have a bond so it has somewhat been ok.

Last night he called from jail. I'm slowly learning and enforcing boundaries. I told him alcohol has no place in either of our lives. He tried every manipulative tactic in the book. Said he wants to save all his jail meds to end his life while incarcerated. Said it seems like I'm so much better without him. That he asked for divorce papers but didn't go through with it because he wants it to work. Said I only see him as a bum, he would look stupid if he got back with the woman who had him arrested, that he wants to drink after work like a normal man and can handle it (nevermind that he hasn't even been employed the vast majority of the time)

I tried to be encouraging and told him I know he's hurting and he thinks alcohol is the answer but that's not true but I can't convince him of that and I won't try to any longer. He has to decide on his own. I know he is a sick person and I need to focus on my child and my own mental health. I just said alright honestly. I think he is upset I'm not out here crying and broken every day and the truth is I was for a while but I've been grieving the relationship for so long even before his arrest that I've pretty much come to terms with it. I pray for him every day and I believe God can do anything with anyone but I cannot. I cannot fix him and I absolutely cannot tolerate chaos, aggression and insanity around my toddler ever again. I'm just looking to vent and feel seen. Any advice or stories or coping skills are welcome and appreciated.

My boyfriend and I got into a fight recently that started because of a mistake I made, I work full time and feel exhausted from work so I don't have the energy to clean and rely on my boyfriend to do it. A week goes by and he hasn't done the dishes, and I was upset by it but he got really upset i was upset with it. On my Friday he asked me if we could tackle the sink together because there's maggots in it, and it was so involuntary but I got instantly upset and annoyed by that, because he's unemployed and I work full time. He has a massive fear and anxiety of maggots, but still it was completely involuntary and I apologized to him before work and even cried before work because of how guilty I felt to make him upset. Since then, I’ve apologized dozens of times, told him I was sorry for dismissing his fears, and made it clear it wasn’t intentional.

The problem is, when he drinks, he often gets upset over something small I did or said and then yells at me. Even if I apologize over and over, he tells me I “don’t mean it,” or that my apologies don’t count. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be enough, and I just end up crying or trying to say sorry until he stops yelling.

When he yells, it’s loud enough to scare me and the cats. I know I make mistakes, but they’re not on purpose, and I don’t want to be treated like I’m some evil person out to hurt him when I’m genuinely trying to make things right.

Has anyone else been through something like this? What do I do when apologies are never accepted and drinking makes fights worse? Is there a way to break this cycle. It really does feel like any mistake I make no matter what he believes it was intentional and like I was an evil bitch intentionally trying to hurt him and he literally never lets the grudge go FOR YEARS. And brings it up and yells at me about it again. Idk what to do.

My heart is breaking, again , tonight and im at a loss. I sit here typing as my 3yo grandson sleeps next to us, at least he is safe tonight. Son in law is an alcoholic and is now physically abusing my daughter. We received that text Thursday from her with pictures, stopped everything and fly 2,000 miles immediately. Over the past couple days, we talked w her alone and with her mom to take a break from him and head back home with us with the kids. Daughter agreed to file temporary restraining order tomorrow am with us. Daughter asked us to watch the kids at the hotel, but she would not leave husband tonight to keep this a secret. Plane tickets, burner phone and emergency funds set up for tomorrow... . . I just received the text from her giving every reason why a TRO and taking space from him is wrong... I understand this disease logically, and know this relationship between them will get worse. I know he will continue to drink and abuse her if she stays. I know she has been trauma bonded to him... I wish I could just say your grounded, time out! What in the world do my wife and I say to her in 7 hours to convince her?

My brother 20 y/o, has been doing quite well these past couple of months. He got into some legal trouble this past year & is currently in a process of being sober from the drugs he used to take. His preferred drug is Xanax. He has required check ins from his PO, he has counseling, he’s been doing his weekly drug tests. I’d say he’s been doing well in my eyes for the past 4 months which for me is a long time. We don’t talk much anymore. For context, we both live with our mother. I help us all out financially. Two days ago we all got into a big fight. He gets mad at the smallest things. The smallest. We don’t go where he needs to go, when he wants to go, he gets mad. It’s scary to be around him when he’s mad. He’s tall, he destroys the things around him. It’s scary not to say no. He ended up ripping his door off completely, tore apart his room, yelled at my mom & I in our faces, and it got to the point where I had to call the police. He didn’t hit us or throw anything at us. But it was enough for me to have to call the cops. He took off. We haven’t ever really reached a point where we’ve cut him off financially or left him out in the streets for days or anything of that sort. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve been having to remind my mom that this is his life, that if he wants to work on his life and continue on a path to sobriety that he has to want that for himself. And he always says no. He doesn’t want to go to rehab or seek out ways to better his mental health. He says it won’t work. Our arguments turn into him saying that he ruined his life, that his life it pointless, that we’re terrible. There’s always an excuse when we confront his abusive behaviors. He always manages to flip it on us & he never takes any accountability. I got into a car accident this year, & it totaled the car. That night that I got released from the hospital he & his girlfriend were sprawled out on the couch high. Not caring about my accident, that I could’ve potentially died, nothing. He didn’t care. He turned the whole situation into how we should all feel bad for him. That memory is burned into my soul. My relationship with my brother has changed so much for him over the past couple of years from all of his recklessness, from his verbal abuse, from his manipulation, from his anger. It’s hard to not have remorse for him when all he brings is nothing but destruction, ungratefulness, and anger. I hate it. Sometimes I do feel bad. I think about the past traumas that he’s gone through to get to this stage in his life. He’s never told us anything. I think about the times where we used to laugh and do things together. When he was funny. When he used to come in my room and hang out with me. But that version of him is gone. I’ve had to mourn him. And now I’m at a point where I have nothing left in me. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I’m mainly just saying all of this to get out my frustration. I’m also writing all of this out because my mom is having a hard time letting him go. Thank you for anyone who reads this. I know that the way that we’ve enabled his addictive behaviors is wrong. I know that. My mom & I are both in therapy to work on how to better react to his behaviors and also to better ourselves. We’re trying our best. Again, thank you to anyone who reads this. If anyone has any suggestions on how to best go about not enabling his behavior that would be helpful. Sending love to anyone who relates to this or who is also going through a difficult time.

For six years, I put up with emotional and mental abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, blame shifting... the list goes on.

I stayed because when it was good it was amazing so I kept telling myself that it was going get better. He said it would right? For six years, I put myself on the back burner. I tended to his needs. I called into his work when he couldn’t wake up. I helped him get a new job when he lost it because of how he behaved at a work event… I constantly cleaned up his aftermath...

Then he dumped me…and I blamed his sickness not him so I made excuses and forgave him when he came back. I poured more of myself into him that time too. Because he was getting better. I noticed the changes…but the nights that were bad felt like a knife straight to the heart and all the memories came flooding back. I was told things you never tell someone you love. Those nights he’d drink too much and looked at me as his emotional punching bag…and unload all of his self hatred onto me.

It’s weird how the mind tries to block out all of the hurt. How it only wants to remember the good times, but this time I saw last that. This time I did the work on me. When he left me a second time I didn’t sit around.

I journaled, and went to therapy. I sat with my pain and used it as a lens to see the years for what they really were. I was abused and mistreated…regardless of the motivation or intention of my abuser. Whether he meant to or not, my truth is reality and my reality was my truth… I was wronged over and over and over again. Disrespected, Unappreciated, Disregarded, and so much more…

Months after he left me a second time, he came back. Asking for another chance…and I’m happy to say I said no. I chose me this time and I’m so much happier. Yes, I have moments where I long for the companionship, when I glimpse what I thought was suppose to be and it hurts. I look at things, at places I wanted to share and I envision him there and my heart feels heavy, but I’m trying or remind myself that I made it out of the chaos. That I finally decided to love myself more than my fear of what’s next. That I owe it to myself to continue putting me first. And I’m so proud of that.

I'm sorry this is long and probably messy. I was feeling down, and reading some of the posts here made me feel understood. I thought sharing this with people who understood would make me feel a bit better.

My brother is 2 years younger than me (both in our 20s), and we have both always lived together in the same house since our childhood. I was there from the moment he started having struggles with addiction. First it was just my mom, brother, and me. Then, when my mom couldn't handle the situation because he was getting out of control. I stood by my father's side, as I had done with my mother. It has been years now. Things are just getting worse as time passes. He has even become violent on multiple occasions and has hurt my father. But we just go in circles. He's sent to a mental institution, stabilized, out on a week, doesn't go to the medical follow-ups, some time passes, he's doing ok, and then back to square one. When that happens, my dad says he's going to do this and that, but ultimately, nothing is done.

I have stayed because I did not want to leave my father in this alone, even though I'm sick and tired of it. But this last situation we had, he started getting violent towards my cats. And I can stand all his crap, but I'm not going to stand him abusing my cats. So in tears, I left, and I'm now with my mom and her boyfriend.

It's been about a month.It has been really hard on me because I have felt like it was unfair that I was the one that had to move. I've been visiting my dad almost every week. And these past two visits have made me realize something. In me leaving, I was hoping my dad would do something more. That he would do all these things he had been saying he would do. That he would see he was losing me. But no. Nothing has been done. And that really hurts.

Not only that, but I basically don't have a room anymore in "my house." My dad says I do, but my brother has basically taken over the whole house, including my room.And it really feels like I'm a second thought. Like I don't matter as much. That I'm not that important. That I can fence for myself, so my brother's "needs" and "wants" are a priority. I know my dad loves me very much, but this still hurts. I guess I thought my dad would stand by me as I did with him.I knew my father was enabling my brother, but I thought with me leaving he would see that. I guess I was wrong. He says it is "his condition," that is, "not him". I guess that gives him a pass to do whatever he wants without a consequence. Maybe that's his way of copying or something.

I came to this realization yesterday. I've been crying since. Today my sister texted me to ask if I was "back home". My grandmother has asked me the same a couple of times. It just adds insult to injury. I feel like they see it as me just being a bit dramatic about it and that I'll soon forget and return back home. They know of some of the stuff he's done, but not all. They have not been there this whole time. They haven't had to witness his violent outbursts. Get caught between him and my father getting physical, just hoping things don't escalate and that they are okay.

It's funny; the longer I stay with my mom, the more I start to see I was in a really messed up situation. In my mom's house I feel restless. My mom just expects me to take care of my things and cats. It feels weird. In my house I was constantly cleaning up after my brother. I had to cook, or bring him food. Here they even cook for me. I feel bad. Like I don't deserve all this hospitality. I don't even need to be on high alert, wondering what mood he's in.

I will tell my mom about these feelings tomorrow. Just share them with her. It feels melancholic, I guess. It is not streams of tears. Just lone, sole tears. One or two. Thank you for reading.

If you are a parent with a similar situation, please don't forget about your other kids. We don't need nothing grand. We know you struggle. But we struggle too.

Husband of eight years and I broke up and all the lies came out. Ironically I didn’t break up because of the substance abuse but because he would regularly tell me that everyone in my life hates me and hides it from me.

I thought he had been sober for the last 3 years. He had a terrible incident 3 years ago when he was so drunk and suicidal he accidentally cut his father’s fingertip off. I gave him an ultimatum. Back then he told me that was his rock bottom. It was so bad he scared me… I would cry in the closet to be away from him.

This month he confessed that he actually he never stopped. He just got better at lying. He told me he had been either high or drunk every single day the last three years. Edibles every day and I made him promise to only ever use them when he told me. Blackout drunk every time I left him for a work trip. Three years of lying and betrayal.

And on top of it all emotional affairs. Dating apps when we fought. Going to massage parlors and turning down prostitutes.

I don’t know if I know him. Where did the last decade of my life go? I’m starting over at 33 and I feel completely heartbroken.

He still calls me to tell me it’s all my fault. I’m afraid he’s going to kill himself on accident or on purpose. I had to call 911 because he was hallucinating from everything he was taking.

Who is he? Did I even know him if I couldn’t tell he was high every night?

And the craziest thing is I do blame myself. When he tells me it’s my fault and he can’t forget… I wonder. And crazier still, I love this abusive piece of garbage. I wish I didn’t. He’s not safe. He’s not stable. I can’t build a life with him. He’s self destructive. It’s worse than I ever thought. I’m so sad all the time. Even when I’m happy I’m sad.

I (28) met a girl (35) earlier this year and our chemistry was incredible off the start. I felt I could finally be myself around someone, we laughed so much, and got along so well. Had the same love language. We fell in love.

She was very open about her past early on into meeting. dating addicts, using hard drugs, and herself currently being addicted to alcohol and cocaine. Of course I told her that her addictions are not ideal in my eyes, but I did not want to be one to judge her and cause her to keep secrets and use in private. She has had experiences in the past that make her want to be open and not hide her actions. She tells the truth, she is smart, caring and has a beautiful soul. It hurts to hear what she has been through, and it hurts to see her struggle with her addictions.

We had a couple weeks together where we were sober and working out together. It was great. I can tell she doesn’t have a dependency on these substances but she gets triggered by her feelings/environment, wants to escape reality and exist without thinking. She did this a few times over the four months we were together, and told me each time. I tried to be okay with it but it definitely bothered me. For some reason I love her so much that this wasn’t a dealbreaker for me. It’s not like being upset would change what has already happened anyway.

We had some fun times drinking together, talking all night. Looking back I probably shouldn’t have drank with her but it is not a regret, we had great times. Maybe I would’ve been better off being a sober example for her, not sure it really matters.

We broke up recently, her idea but it turned mutual and I support it. She wants to get sober, feels she is a mess, cant allow herself to truly attach to me, and doesn’t want to put me through it before we get even more entangled in each others lives. I’ve read a lot about attachment issues/dating an addict, essentially she is saving me a lot of trouble. I want to wait for her. We are still talking. There’s no one else in the picture, We are still in love, just taking a step back from being in a relationship. I trust her and she truly just wants to work on herself.

I want to help her but I know this is a battle she needs to endure on her own. Is there anything I can do for her? She’s not interested in AA, said she tried it before and the higher power thing drove her away. She wants to get better and Im willing to help in any way possible. Any advice from people who have been in my shoes or her shoes is appreciated

Is it best to just drift off and move on? Seems so wrong, I care about her so much, and it’s not like our relationship blew up and ended poorly. At the same time I don’t want to smother her or control her with possible solutions to her problems.

It hurts, I feel I wont meet someone with this same connection, and I dont even want to. I went against everyone’s advice and got involved with an addict, i know I can’t be the one to fix her. I just want to be there for her and help her be the person she wants to be.

My mother is in ICU on a ventilator in a coma with full blown liver failure. Someone make me laugh or something. Just looking for a safe space with people who will understand 💔

I am pregnant and just trying to keep calm for my baby boy but man oh man, I am hurting.

Um idk if this is the right place to post this idk I’ll probably just delete it I’m M31 and have two children 7 years old male and female who are great kids twins who are fucking awesome children. Now to the reason why I’m here so 8 years ago me and the mother of my children who is female 30 years old bought our first house and had our two children 5 years after we met in high school.

Now we both partied growing up and all which is understandable and she was clean for a bit. Than while she was pregnant she went and met with her ex and did H while she was pregnant with our children I went and found her at a drug house and got her out there she went and to rehab got clean again.

3 years later she was sick and was in the hospital and again she signed herself out and went and disappeared with that same dude getting high and god knows what so I had to put a missing persons report and she had warrants and all and that was the final straw I cut off all contact we went to court and won custody of the children and she signed away her parental rights which broke my heart that she did that.

fast forward Around the last 4 years I met the most amazing woman on the planet who is female 34 years old and we are engaged to get married and happy as could be and every once and awhile I would hear things about her here and there but nothing solid now to the point of course today of all days I pick my up my children from my parents house along with my sister because they asked if she could come over for pizza and movie night which we do every Friday which I said yes than went home showered.

me my fiancé kids and sister female 26 went out to pick up drinks and snacks as well as the pizza while at our local Wawa when we were leaving this woman approached us and recognized me and said Michael I haven’t seen you in years so I told my sister and fiancé to get the kids in the truck I don’t want them to see her like that and I spoke to her for a minute and she asked for money I was going to give her 50 bucks and I also went and my fiancé told me said to give her the chance to come to our house and let her shower and eat some food and stay the night.

When I was turning around to offer her she disappeared idk where I tried looking for her so we left and went home and did our thing I sat by myself in the porch in silence for hours almost all night second guessing everything about our lives

I also find out tonight that she’s been selling herself prostituting herself idk how she fell so far she used to be so kind caring loving loyal idk maybe I should have done things differently or maybe she just showed me who she really was The whole time underneath we had a beautiful life two amazing children who don’t deserve this i know I should give a fuck about her but I want my childrens mother to get sober and be in their lives I knew her since we were kids started dating freshman year of high school I just don’t know anymore we had a great life a beautiful apartment kids and all sucks man she went from being someone i thought would be a great mother and wife and became someone I hate I mean while she was pregnant she went with her ex and did H I just hate her so much for that

my Q and i broke up about a year ago when i told him that he needed to go home and get sober if we wanted there to be any chance of a future for us. it was devastating. we held each other and cried for a few days, then he left. we made the mistake of trying to remain friends. in my mind, he would go home, get a year or so under his belt, then we could try again. naive. he relapsed after 9 months and has been using non-stop since then. he has has damn near cut me out completely now, which i know is for the best, but it hurts because i know he’s drowning himself. i also know that he has a new girl in his life, which i found out abt from instagram. at the end of the day, there’s always gonna be a part of me that feels awful for breaking up with him and making him go it alone. i know it was right, but that doesn’t make it feel better. i’m worried he’s going to die, i hate the idea that he’s with someone else, and i hate myself for not being able to let go. please help.

Been with bf about a year now. He's a functional alcoholic, I'm getting awesome at boundaries through this relationship and have no intention of breaking up over the alcohol, mostly because I'm just a magnet for alcoholics no matter what so this is my lot in life, I figure might as well use it to make me stronger to deal with all the other ones heading my way for the remainder of my life.

However he casually joked about buying cocaine if we won a bunch of money. And then recently told me his friend gave him some C in exchange for a loan towards his bills. Which is obviously BS, if the friend had issues paying a bill he would just sell some coke like he always does. And he did, lol to my bf. We all know that was a watered down confession of buying it. I felt like he was partially testing to see if I would react to that info and this is not a rare phenomenon. I'm not dumb I know and see everything he is doing, I just don't really know what to do about it. I am a very calm and laid back accepting person which i think is why he told me about the Coke. I'd hate for him to feel like he can't tell me about it after this

What words do I use here to talk to him because putting up with the alcohol leaves no room for putting up with any other issues, I'm full up on processing this relationship already. I have not expressed any feelings of disliking him drinking at all and we both smoke weed daily. I absolutely do not drink or do anything other than weed, so I feel like a hypocrite being a rec drug user telling someone its not ok to use another substance. My plan was just to keep us at this level of dating and not move in with him, keep our financial lives separate and whatnot but now I feel yucky about it and am kind of turned off by him if coke is involved

Thanks for your honest opinion and advice here. Bluntness is welcome

This is my first long Reddit post. My (29f) brother (27m) "C" is the topic.  I will preface this post by saying I love my brother very much and want the best for him. Also, I have no animosity toward addicts; living with addiction sounds like absolute hell, and it's crucial that addicts have support. However, I wonder if I'm overacting over what seems to be excessive support from parents.

C began struggling with addition around the age of 16, two years after his best friend committed suicide. Liquor and weed quickly morphed into a deep dependency on cocaine and fentanyl. Those years were hell for me and our parents. C stole our cars, stole our money, put his hands on our mother for confiscating his drugs, threatened cops who responded to neighbors' calls...you name it. He also overdosed twice in front of me. Each time my phone rang, I wondered if it was news of his death. Still, I struggled with resentment as the self-sufficient "adult child". The smart, hilarious little brother from my childhood was replaced by a monster. Our desperate parents had him sent to a "sober high school" in remote Utah. They ended up withdrawing him from the program early. In their defense, such high schools would soon become notorious for abusing minors. I believe the experience traumatized C and made him justify further substance abuse.

By some miracle, C barely finished high school and was accepted into a decent private university in 2015. Since he never earned any scholarships and refused to get a part-time job, our parents paid for everything--$57k annual tuition, dorms, a brand-new Toyota RAV4, apartments, groceries, health insurance.) It took him 6.5 years, punctuated by benders that he denied, to scrape together enough credits to graduate. C finally achieved what I prayed would be lasting sobriety in 2019 during a break from college. My parents and an interventionist strong-armed him into rehab in Florida. I traveled to Del Rey Beach to visit him during the program, and he seemed truly enthusiastic about recovery. The childlike sparkle in his eyes (health!) was restored. Relief and proudness are not strong enough words for what I felt. I began to attend AlAnon meetings to be more supportive. Unfortunately, C eventually resumed substance abuse, and vodka became his preferred substance.

A big part of the problem: Our "homemaker" mother (f 65) has always been C's #1 arch-enabler. She is obsessed with making C "comfortable" to "prevent relapse". Their level of enmeshment is mind-blowing, and C's bad behavior/tantrums have started to resemble hers. Our father (m 69) works full time as a physician and reluctantly finances her enablement. She sends C approximately $3,000 PER MONTH for his luxury apartment in a major city, health insurance, groceries, and car expenses.  Our dad incurs her wrath if he even slightly stands up to our mother. C has made every excuse in the book to avoid getting a job ("I need more time to work on my sobriety!" "You are making me stressed, and I'll relapse!" "I'm starting a new program, so I can’t right now!" "I'll kill myself and it'll be your fault!"). He hasn't held down a job since 2020, and our mother continues to bankroll him with money she didn't even earn. The cherry on top? C has been an in-demand weed dealer since 2020 and can easily pay his own way and then some. He still chooses to bleed our aging parents financially dry.

C recently finished another six-week rehab retreat and vowed to stop dealing.  Surprisingly, he paid for the program using his own (drug dealing) money.  Despite any resentment, present or past, I was genuinely proud of him for taking ownership of his health.   He switched to IOP (intensive outpatient) treatment.  During the retreat, he met another recovering addict who is 4 years older than him.  He mentioned her to our mother and said, “My Higher Power put her in my life.  She is bubbly and cute and probably less of an alcoholic than me.”  He mentioned to our mother that he had slept with this woman (ew, emotional incest much?) despite his sponsor strongly encouraging him to focus on his own recovery.

I felt a surge of anger toward not toward C but toward this new woman .   I am projecting my rage at C onto her, even though I have never met her.  My impulse thought is, “What a selfish, crazy @$^& to jeopardize C’s hard-won recovery!”, but it obviously takes two to tango when it comes to bad decisions.  Every single AA member or addiction counselor I’ve interacted with emphasize that newly recovering addicts/alcoholics should not date for a YEAR to establish stability, avoid addiction transferal, and deal with underlying issues.  What fills me with anger is how casually he’s’ treating his sobriety after years of struggle.  I picture him hedonistically gallivanting around with a woman who is probably just as dysfunctional and bound to relapse as he is—all the while slowly draining our poor father’s retirement funds.  I'm not proud of it, but I looked up her extensive criminal record...not that that would change C's mind, anyway.

I still love C very much, but at the same time, my sympathy has been eclipsed by resentment stronger than ever before.  In my mind, For me, C dating this woman fresh out of his FIFTH rehab is emblematic of his unwillingness to get better. I worry that my parents will be raising C's accident baby when all is said and done. And it pisses me off. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

My mom was institutionalized with MS + Korsakoff syndrome (alcoholic dementia) when I was 14 (I'm 31) and because of this I went to live with my grandmother (after living for a few months with a couple who raped and abused me). My mom was severely mentally ill for most of my childhood and refused to do anything to fix it, so after she was institutionalized I didn't see her for 6 years. Even now, I only visit her once per year, and call her twice a year. It's just not a relationship I can really maintain anymore. There's too much emotional baggage.

Today I visited her and she had a coloring page on her wall saying "world's best mom" and it ripped my heart out. She was a good mom to me when I was little (0-7) before her alcoholism got bad. And the fact that she had to color her own coloring page makes me so sad. It's just so lonely to think someone has to affirm her own worth as a mother. I should be doing that for her. I feel like she has paid tenfold for her mistakes and she has her own childhood trauma. But I just can't ignore everything that happened and try to force a relationship with her. I don't know if I have it in me.

Please give me guidance. I am all torn up over this and can't stop crying and my wife just keeps telling me my guilt is justified for neglecting my mother for so many years.

This is my first post as if this helps or soothes even one person then it will be worth it. This is for anyone in a toxic or abusive relationship with an alcoholic.

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for nearly five years. When he drank, he would get angry and nasty and quite frankly everyone was scared of him. He never changed, and I gave him so much support and chance after chance and none of my loved ones could ever understand why, and looking back I don’t really understand why I stayed so long. I’m sure many can relate with situations I went through with him and the mental torment I experienced. I believed I owed it him to stand by his side and prove my love to him that I wouldn’t ever leave but that’s simply not true. You need to put yourself first, you deserve so much better.

I have been without him for 2 months and it was hard at first. I didn’t think I would make it through. I was depressed and started glorifying the “good times”, excusing his behaviour again. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my friends and family finding out about the things he’d done, I’d probably have gone back and carried on living my miserable life.

However, something I felt instantly was the relief. No more waiting up all night to make sure he was safe or to find out what terrible thing he had done on that night, making excuses for him, crying to him time after time about how he hurt me, cleaning up his messes and convincing myself I deserved what he did. It drained the life out of me and I truly didn’t realise until I was out of it. I thought it was normal to feel how I did, because he was nice to me when he was sober but it’s simply not. The hurtful things he would say and do to me almost every night after he drank wasn’t okay, and never would be okay no matter how I spun it. I’d go to bed every night praying for it to just be morning so I could speak to ”normal” him again, and so I could get the apology that came every morning that of course I accepted.

I know alcoholics can change and get better, but we need to realise some don’t as awful as that is and no matter how much we don’t want to believe it. Sometimes people just don’t want help, and as painful as that is too, it’s okay to step back and care for yourself. Trust me, when I heard this advice I used to roll my eyes and scroll as I simply didn’t want to hear it and I understand it’s so much easier said than done. It’s easy to forget but you are so important. You can get through this and you will look back one day and it will all just be a memory and a lesson. More importantly, you will smile and laugh again.

Also, speak to your family and friends. I kept everything a secret from them as I was embarrassed, and I loved him so much but as soon as I started telling them even the littlest things they were so shocked and opened my eyes to how terrible it had gotten. You don’t need to bear this weight alone.

Wishing all who are in the position I was in a lot of love and luck. It gets better! <3

So I've been friends with someone for around 17 years that I consider a brother, who has been an alcoholic throughout all of that, though the severity varies. Me and a relative asked him to stay with us around 3 years ago to get him out of a toxic environment. We didn't know how bad his addiction had gotten in our time apart, but evidently he developed an additional drug addiction for a while and was homeless at one point.

He's made progress in many ways since moving in, but it's still really bad. He's gotten shit faced around my friends and sometimes not made sense, cried, exaggerated stories, or blown up over minor things etc. This leads to me pulling away , which he perceives as me leaving him out and favoring other people.

I finally had a super long, productive talk with him how his drinking affects me and told him I don't want drinking to be involved in our hang outs anymore. He offered to take an extended break and was talking positively about the future, but 3 days later he got news a family member would likely die soon, relapsed, and cancelled our plans for 2 days to drink instead.

We live on the same property, but in separate houses with us only sharing the kitchen. We've been planning to move out of state for over a year now, but I'm realizing that being in a single house will be super hard if he doesnt limit his drinking. It's too late to bail on moving together, so I think I might offer him money to get his own place instead. That way I'm not just leaving him hanging when we've planned on this.

I guess I'm wondering if this seems fair to offer and any tips in general on how to manage a relationship with someone who has BPD symptoms and severe alcoholism. When he's in his right mind he's receptive to feedback, and has encouraged me to share any issues I have with him. But in a bad state, everything gets viewed through a lense of paranoia and abandonment. So even if I offer him money to get his own place, it's possible that could be perceived somehow as abandonment, or exacerbate his drinking issues even more, especially with him living alone.

Hi, first time poster to this group. I’m realizing my situation isn’t as hard as others, but I need some support and wisdom. I’m going to try my best to articulate my situation, bear with me.

I(F28) have been dating my Q(M30) for 2 years. In the past year, he lost his job, remained jobless for ~10 months, tried to get “sober” on his own (no AA, therapy, rehab, medications) many times, caught him drunk, lying, stealing money, and hiding alcohol on countless occasions. He would “relapse”, go out and not return home for days. The last really scary, terrible situation resulted in me calling 911 because he was claiming people were coming after us then harmed himself. He woke up in the hospital psych ward and didn’t remember anything the next morning. This was his rock bottom. He started taking his sobriety journey seriously.

The past few months have been great for him. He’s regularly going to AA, got baptized, has a sponsor, hit 100 days, and started a new job he is so incredibly excited about. I’m so proud of the progress he has made, however I still hold a lot of resentment and trauma from the past year. I feel disconnected from him. We barely go on dates anymore, can’t tell you the last time we had sex, and sometimes the intimacy outside of sex feels awkward. I expressed to him I was having a hard time mentally dealing with and moving on from the past. I realize now, I probably shouldn’t have put my emotions on to him, as he is still very fragile and in the beginning stages of sobriety. But as my partner, I felt I should tell him and be able express my struggles to him. I left out the part about feeling awkward being intimate. Later that week, he passed his licensing exam for work and had a friend’s birthday that weekend. He went out and relapsed, didn’t come home, and when he did come home, he was drunk/drinking for days after. I don’t know if it was my conversation with him that triggered the relapse or the milestone he hit at work he was wanting to “celebrate”. I now feel like we’re back at square one. He has taken a few weeks to get back on track, he’s now been sober for a week.

I’m exhausted. Mentally and emotionally drained. I’m worried for the future. Is this what’s going to happen every time we have a heavy conversation or celebrate something in life? We thankfully don’t own a house or have children. He keeps promising me he’ll get back on track and our future will be bright. He will make up for all the sacrifices I had to make for him, we’ll get married, he’ll give me a beautiful house, children and be so stable I can be a stay at home mom. Quite frankly, all of that gives me so much anxiety. I just don’t trust any of it anymore. I don’t trust anything he tells me, him being home alone, I don’t trust him. I am feeling completely lost. I saw a poster quote “don’t lite yourself on fire to keep him warm”, and I fear that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last year. I’m hanging on by a thread to the hope that things will change for the better. I love him beyond words, but it breaks my heart to admit that I don’t think I’m romantically in love with him anymore. There’s far too much baggage I need to heal.

Any thoughts, advice, support are welcome. I’m having a hard time navigating all of this and an even harder time admitting to myself that maybe it’s time to leave. I’ve completely lost myself trying to save him and us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this🩷

I feel so anxious with this first time post.

I’m married to an alcoholic. We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this September.

I’m not sure where to start without making this a ridiculously long post. Suffice to say my husband has been a drinker since his teens. He just turned 40 this last April. Last year he put himself into acute liver failure while we were on a trip out of our home state. We spent two weeks on a critical care unit and I didn’t know if he would make it.

It was horrifying and I spent 3 days not sleeping or eating and barely drinking, while being his personal 1:1 because I could calm him enough while he was completely out of his mind with hallucinations so that he didn’t have to be shipped to a different hospital because he would’ve needed restraints and to be put in a type of coma while his body went through withdrawal and they tried to save his liver. Everything they gave him at that hospital that should’ve knocked him out didn’t work. So much yelling, he yelled so much and struggled against the nurses. He couldn’t feed himself. I cried so much and when he couldn’t remember who I was or even who he was and he was too weak to even fight anymore and was needing to be propped up by pillows just so he sort of sat upright I called his mom and told her she needed to come out because the doctor wasn’t certain how it was going to go.

He was aggressive and completely unable to control his body enough to sit up. But he was desperately trying to get up to go home and get his beer.

His favorite drink? Well it’s Coors light.

We were able to get him better, physical therapy and everything else was needed. He had to relearn how to drive sober. It was super scary at first. He is better now.

However he only stopped drinking any alcohol for 3 months. That’s all he was willing to do. He told me that he didn’t want me to force him to take pills against his will that would help curb his cravings and make him sick if he drank.

He wants to drink when he decides to. This has been a terrible tension point in our relationship.

Mind you he was an abusive alcoholic. It was hell and sometimes you can’t help but look for any little bit of positive to keep your love and relationship alive.

Well I’m struggling. He’s not as bad as he was before (going through at minimum 2- 24 packs twice a week) he would drink all day long everyday. Before the failure he drank at 8am and had his last one at 11:30pm and then fall asleep. However it has gone from 1 beer every other week to now being 4-8 everyday for 6 days. I’ve been keeping tabs.

I know this is getting long but here is my other concern. He is going to see a therapist that is specifically to help him with this. Her name is Sherry and though a bit older than us she seemed like she was helping at first. Now he says she’s fine with his decisions though he’s been lying to me through our whole marriage so idk if he’s even telling her the truth. I wanted to go with once just so she could help me understand and help him. (I also go to therapy and have been for 4 years and I’ve had my husband join me many times.) When I suggested this he got super defensive and agitated. He gave every excuse he could think of as why I couldn’t go and then when I calmly talked with him about it, he broke it down to this is private and for me alone and I don’t want you there period.

This was super suspicious to me as he got angry and yelled about it though I wasn’t doing anything but asking for clarification so I could understand.

If I ask about what she says and he doesn’t like it he gets super protective over the subject of her.

I don’t understand. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know how to feel. I’m so lost. If you have questions I’ll do my best to answer them. Any help would be appreciated.

My husband is a struggling alcoholic. He has made huge strides in the last few years. His binges are not as intense as the used to be. But of course, holiday weekends are still rough. He has had a few beers today but it has been day three of drinking. When it builds up like this, he becomes someone else. I left this morning with the kids to come home to him passed out in the living room. My one year old crawled up to kiss him and he didn’t wake. My three year old showed him all of the things we got him from Target. He didn’t wake. I sort of successfully got them both up for quiet time and naps. He woke up and I asked him to sleep it off in the basement so the kids wouldn’t see. My three year old is advanced and is picking up on everything. She already is picking up on my anxiety about this. She keeps asking why daddy is sleeping. He is being a stubborn ass and won’t sleep it off elsewhere and I just don’t know what to do. It is breaking my heart, and I just don’t want the kids to see him like this. He is an amazing father most of the time but when he slips like this, it all goes to hell. I can’t trust him and don’t want the kids around him.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. —Thomas Merton quoted in Courage to Change p244 ©️Copyright 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Everyone makes mistakes especially if they take risks! I can learn and grow from the errors I make. —A Little Time for Myself p244 ©️Copyright 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

One of the things we learn in Al-Anon is that the kind of day it is does not depend on the weather but on our attitudes and reactions to what’s happening. —One Day at a time in Al-Anon p244 ©️Copyright 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

When I view my days as a series of opportunities and possibilities, rather than problems and difficulties, it is easier for me to accept the good things life has to offer and to let the bad things pass. —Living Today in Alateen p244 ©️Copyright 2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

I had always disliked the idea that one of Al-Anon’s Traditions included encouraging and understanding the alcoholic because I had never truly comprehended that alcoholism was a disease. Cancer taught me about alcoholism, and I finally learned the meaning of compassion. —How Al-Anon Works p345 ©️Copyright 1995 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

…I have grown into a believer who daily thanks my Higher Power and asks for help. —The Forum, May 1998 p24 quoted in Hope for Today p244 ©️Copyright 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

After I came to Al-Anon, I started to look at many things with different eyes. It’s a pity that I didn’t know all that before. My mother and I didn’t know that it is not in our power to change him if he himself does not want that. —Having Had a Spiritual Awakening… p34 ©️Copyright 1998 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Do you have any experience or luck in dealing with this?

My mom is a little obsessed with my husband’s comings and goings. I am trying to not be. My husband just started a job and was almost late on his first day. She told me this with great alarm so I could ‘do something’ . I told her I am not in charge of him and he will experience natural consequences. (And I will ask him to go to his moms) The next morning he woke up an hour and a half after his shift started. I suddenly got mad, got codependent, told him I would make sure he got up in time everyday. I know, so healthy. Then my mom comes in after a bit and wants to rehash everything she sees from him as dishonest, irresponsible, anything wrong with what he is doing and she does this about half of the days I come home from work. She gets mad at me for not having the exact same reaction as her on everything or telling her she’s doing a good job on the advice she gave him. The same advice I’ve given him for years that never helped anything.

He tells me that she is giving him lots of unwanted advice, like hold his head up when talking to people. He was served papers on some credit card debt and he told her he thought he missed a court date on it (he didn’t) My mom obsessed about it for two days I told him, ‘Please keep shit like that to yourself!’ There is a whole world of people that he can talk to/vent to, etc. but he chooses my mom to talk to.

I am like a top ready to blow. Last night I screamed into a pillow, threw some shit in the bathroom and sobbed my guts out. I am hiding out in my bedroom today and I am not happy it is a three day weekend. I can’t wait to go back to work.

She doesn’t want to go to Al Anon. She wants to go to her own group away from me and is worried about things getting back to me and I think she’s a little intimidated by the whole thing of opening up to a group. So she doesn’t go. She doesn’t have very many connections and no local friends at all. This is sadly all she has to focus on.

I have been missing a lot of meetings since I started my job but I WILL be going this Wednesday night. I thought about inviting her to it to see if she can get over her fear of it. Partly I don’t want to because I want to talk about this fucked up dynamic and get advice and yeah, sympathy. But I probably will invite her.

Any advice? I feel crazy.

My Q has been sober for nearly 8 months down after struggling with alcohol for I think about 8 years. I know she isn’t drinking and hasn’t got access to any alcohol but there are still moments where I’m terrified that she’s drinking. She’ll be acting different because she’s tired and I know that’s all it is but there is still a part of me that’s paranoid she’s drunk and hiding it. I trust her and I know she’s sober but I feel like I’m going insane. Is it normal to feel like this, and how do I work through it if it is? Thank you for taking the time to read this