My wife is an alcoholic

My wife is an alcoholic; there I said it.

It's destroying our marriage and our family.

She cannot go out without drinking, she drinks at home during the week. She doesn't count glasses of wine, if she opens a bottle, she finishes it. We will go to dinner, she will have 3-4 glasses of wine, and barely eats.

This weekend we went to lunch. She had 3x glasses of wine, then an espresso martini, and 2 more glasses of wine, and barely any food.

We were at a wedding and the bar cut her off.

The neighbors we used to always hang out with don't call anymore cause she always drinks to much and becomes obnoxious. I'm afraid to have friends over cause I don't want to be embarrassed. It's like I'm isolating from friends.

She chastises me for not drinking

When she drinks she gets verbally abusive to people around here. She had no recollection the next days of the hurtful things she does/says.

When she drinks, she will ask the same question she asked 5 minutes ago and literally not recall asking it.

I hate going out to dinner cause of how she behaves. We went out to dinner and when she asked for another drink the bartender brought her water and wound not serve her. She got drunk at my work Xmas party and embarrassed me. She ruins family gatherings like Xmas and thanksgiving cause of her drinking. The last 2 thanksgiving she never made it to the dinner table as she passed out. She was drunk at our son's graduation party and embarrassed me and herself.

Our oldest daughter doesn't want to come over for dinner on Sunday's cause of her drinking.

I went to my MIL for help. She tried to talk to her, and nothing changed. All of the kids know she's an alcoholic; they can see it. They can see how it affects me.

And the worst part is.....I still love her. Crazy isn't it.

I was in therapy; but stopped because she chastised me for it. It's affecting my mental health, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to her, but it turns into a fight.

She's only happy when she's drinking. She wasn't always like this. She left her first husband cause he was an alcoholic and was mentally abusive to her and her kids.

I just don't know what to do any more. I love her so much, I can't imagine my life without her. She even admitted a drinking problem, but says she enjoys it.

I am living with an alcoholic and it sucks.

This is my first post as if this helps or soothes even one person then it will be worth it. This is for anyone in a toxic or abusive relationship with an alcoholic.

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for nearly five years. When he drank, he would get angry and nasty and quite frankly everyone was scared of him. He never changed, and I gave him so much support and chance after chance and none of my loved ones could ever understand why, and looking back I don’t really understand why I stayed so long. I’m sure many can relate with situations I went through with him and the mental torment I experienced. I believed I owed it him to stand by his side and prove my love to him that I wouldn’t ever leave but that’s simply not true. You need to put yourself first, you deserve so much better.

I have been without him for 2 months and it was hard at first. I didn’t think I would make it through. I was depressed and started glorifying the “good times”, excusing his behaviour again. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my friends and family finding out about the things he’d done, I’d probably have gone back and carried on living my miserable life.

However, something I felt instantly was the relief. No more waiting up all night to make sure he was safe or to find out what terrible thing he had done on that night, making excuses for him, crying to him time after time about how he hurt me, cleaning up his messes and convincing myself I deserved what he did. It drained the life out of me and I truly didn’t realise until I was out of it. I thought it was normal to feel how I did, because he was nice to me when he was sober but it’s simply not. The hurtful things he would say and do to me almost every night after he drank wasn’t okay, and never would be okay no matter how I spun it. I’d go to bed every night praying for it to just be morning so I could speak to ”normal” him again, and so I could get the apology that came every morning that of course I accepted.

I know alcoholics can change and get better, but we need to realise some don’t as awful as that is and no matter how much we don’t want to believe it. Sometimes people just don’t want help, and as painful as that is too, it’s okay to step back and care for yourself. Trust me, when I heard this advice I used to roll my eyes and scroll as I simply didn’t want to hear it and I understand it’s so much easier said than done. It’s easy to forget but you are so important. You can get through this and you will look back one day and it will all just be a memory and a lesson. More importantly, you will smile and laugh again.

Also, speak to your family and friends. I kept everything a secret from them as I was embarrassed, and I loved him so much but as soon as I started telling them even the littlest things they were so shocked and opened my eyes to how terrible it had gotten. You don’t need to bear this weight alone.

Wishing all who are in the position I was in a lot of love and luck. It gets better! <3

So I posted before and my husband was arrested 31 days ago and there is currently a protective order against him for 60 days from arrest. He bought alcohol yesterday for the first time since his arrest

I’ve been letting him text me occasionally because we do have 3 kids together but overall I’ve been trying to avoid him.

He texted me this morning with pictures of himself with a black eye and a gash on his head. Saying he guess he fell during the night.

I replied with .. hope it was worth it. Probably mean. Or most definitely mean. But I don’t have much sympathy.

He replied “I see you don’t care”. But honestly I don’t at this point. Would I care if he died or was seriously injured.. yes ..obviously. I do love him despite everything. But this…this is not fatal and a result of his own actions. I don’t really feel bad.

My ex is an alcoholic, abusive, diagnosed sociopath asshole piece of shit. I fully blocked him weeks ago. I’ve filed the divorce. It’s still processing. As I’ve explained to that piece of shit OVER AND OVER. Now his bitch mom is texting me about the status. I basically told her it’s filed, there’s processing time, and to leave me the fuck alone. I was doing so well until she texted me. Now I’m feeling pure rage and anxiety again.

He quit his job. Has absolutely no money. He worked under the table for 4 years and is now trying to get government aid: food stamps & unemployment. His mommy is as usual, coddling him because she’s now fully having to support him financially. Which is cutting into her (one vacation a month) Hawaii trips. I’m over it. I’m fucking over it. Dude didn’t contribute to society and worked UNDER the table. Now is trying to get government aid?!!!!!

I’m thinking about reporting him for trying to commit fraud for getting benefits and for not paying taxes. I just want to be done with this shit. I’m really really over it.

Any help/tips would be greatly appreciated.

My mother is in ICU on a ventilator in a coma with full blown liver failure. Someone make me laugh or something. Just looking for a safe space with people who will understand 💔

I am pregnant and just trying to keep calm for my baby boy but man oh man, I am hurting.

Husband of eight years and I broke up and all the lies came out. Ironically I didn’t break up because of the substance abuse but because he would regularly tell me that everyone in my life hates me and hides it from me.

I thought he had been sober for the last 3 years. He had a terrible incident 3 years ago when he was so drunk and suicidal he accidentally cut his father’s fingertip off. I gave him an ultimatum. Back then he told me that was his rock bottom. It was so bad he scared me… I would cry in the closet to be away from him.

This month he confessed that he actually he never stopped. He just got better at lying. He told me he had been either high or drunk every single day the last three years. Edibles every day and I made him promise to only ever use them when he told me. Blackout drunk every time I left him for a work trip. Three years of lying and betrayal.

And on top of it all emotional affairs. Dating apps when we fought. Going to massage parlors and turning down prostitutes.

I don’t know if I know him. Where did the last decade of my life go? I’m starting over at 33 and I feel completely heartbroken.

He still calls me to tell me it’s all my fault. I’m afraid he’s going to kill himself on accident or on purpose. I had to call 911 because he was hallucinating from everything he was taking.

Who is he? Did I even know him if I couldn’t tell he was high every night?

And the craziest thing is I do blame myself. When he tells me it’s my fault and he can’t forget… I wonder. And crazier still, I love this abusive piece of garbage. I wish I didn’t. He’s not safe. He’s not stable. I can’t build a life with him. He’s self destructive. It’s worse than I ever thought. I’m so sad all the time. Even when I’m happy I’m sad.

My mom was institutionalized with MS + Korsakoff syndrome (alcoholic dementia) when I was 14 (I'm 31) and because of this I went to live with my grandmother (after living for a few months with a couple who raped and abused me). My mom was severely mentally ill for most of my childhood and refused to do anything to fix it, so after she was institutionalized I didn't see her for 6 years. Even now, I only visit her once per year, and call her twice a year. It's just not a relationship I can really maintain anymore. There's too much emotional baggage.

Today I visited her and she had a coloring page on her wall saying "world's best mom" and it ripped my heart out. She was a good mom to me when I was little (0-7) before her alcoholism got bad. And the fact that she had to color her own coloring page makes me so sad. It's just so lonely to think someone has to affirm her own worth as a mother. I should be doing that for her. I feel like she has paid tenfold for her mistakes and she has her own childhood trauma. But I just can't ignore everything that happened and try to force a relationship with her. I don't know if I have it in me.

Please give me guidance. I am all torn up over this and can't stop crying and my wife just keeps telling me my guilt is justified for neglecting my mother for so many years.

Hi, first time poster to this group. I’m realizing my situation isn’t as hard as others, but I need some support and wisdom. I’m going to try my best to articulate my situation, bear with me.

I(F28) have been dating my Q(M30) for 2 years. In the past year, he lost his job, remained jobless for ~10 months, tried to get “sober” on his own (no AA, therapy, rehab, medications) many times, caught him drunk, lying, stealing money, and hiding alcohol on countless occasions. He would “relapse”, go out and not return home for days. The last really scary, terrible situation resulted in me calling 911 because he was claiming people were coming after us then harmed himself. He woke up in the hospital psych ward and didn’t remember anything the next morning. This was his rock bottom. He started taking his sobriety journey seriously.

The past few months have been great for him. He’s regularly going to AA, got baptized, has a sponsor, hit 100 days, and started a new job he is so incredibly excited about. I’m so proud of the progress he has made, however I still hold a lot of resentment and trauma from the past year. I feel disconnected from him. We barely go on dates anymore, can’t tell you the last time we had sex, and sometimes the intimacy outside of sex feels awkward. I expressed to him I was having a hard time mentally dealing with and moving on from the past. I realize now, I probably shouldn’t have put my emotions on to him, as he is still very fragile and in the beginning stages of sobriety. But as my partner, I felt I should tell him and be able express my struggles to him. I left out the part about feeling awkward being intimate. Later that week, he passed his licensing exam for work and had a friend’s birthday that weekend. He went out and relapsed, didn’t come home, and when he did come home, he was drunk/drinking for days after. I don’t know if it was my conversation with him that triggered the relapse or the milestone he hit at work he was wanting to “celebrate”. I now feel like we’re back at square one. He has taken a few weeks to get back on track, he’s now been sober for a week.

I’m exhausted. Mentally and emotionally drained. I’m worried for the future. Is this what’s going to happen every time we have a heavy conversation or celebrate something in life? We thankfully don’t own a house or have children. He keeps promising me he’ll get back on track and our future will be bright. He will make up for all the sacrifices I had to make for him, we’ll get married, he’ll give me a beautiful house, children and be so stable I can be a stay at home mom. Quite frankly, all of that gives me so much anxiety. I just don’t trust any of it anymore. I don’t trust anything he tells me, him being home alone, I don’t trust him. I am feeling completely lost. I saw a poster quote “don’t lite yourself on fire to keep him warm”, and I fear that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last year. I’m hanging on by a thread to the hope that things will change for the better. I love him beyond words, but it breaks my heart to admit that I don’t think I’m romantically in love with him anymore. There’s far too much baggage I need to heal.

Any thoughts, advice, support are welcome. I’m having a hard time navigating all of this and an even harder time admitting to myself that maybe it’s time to leave. I’ve completely lost myself trying to save him and us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this🩷

Um idk if this is the right place to post this idk I’ll probably just delete it I’m M31 and have two children 7 years old male and female who are great kids twins who are fucking awesome children. Now to the reason why I’m here so 8 years ago me and the mother of my children who is female 30 years old bought our first house and had our two children 5 years after we met in high school.

Now we both partied growing up and all which is understandable and she was clean for a bit. Than while she was pregnant she went and met with her ex and did H while she was pregnant with our children I went and found her at a drug house and got her out there she went and to rehab got clean again.

3 years later she was sick and was in the hospital and again she signed herself out and went and disappeared with that same dude getting high and god knows what so I had to put a missing persons report and she had warrants and all and that was the final straw I cut off all contact we went to court and won custody of the children and she signed away her parental rights which broke my heart that she did that.

fast forward Around the last 4 years I met the most amazing woman on the planet who is female 34 years old and we are engaged to get married and happy as could be and every once and awhile I would hear things about her here and there but nothing solid now to the point of course today of all days I pick my up my children from my parents house along with my sister because they asked if she could come over for pizza and movie night which we do every Friday which I said yes than went home showered.

me my fiancé kids and sister female 26 went out to pick up drinks and snacks as well as the pizza while at our local Wawa when we were leaving this woman approached us and recognized me and said Michael I haven’t seen you in years so I told my sister and fiancé to get the kids in the truck I don’t want them to see her like that and I spoke to her for a minute and she asked for money I was going to give her 50 bucks and I also went and my fiancé told me said to give her the chance to come to our house and let her shower and eat some food and stay the night.

When I was turning around to offer her she disappeared idk where I tried looking for her so we left and went home and did our thing I sat by myself in the porch in silence for hours almost all night second guessing everything about our lives

I also find out tonight that she’s been selling herself prostituting herself idk how she fell so far she used to be so kind caring loving loyal idk maybe I should have done things differently or maybe she just showed me who she really was The whole time underneath we had a beautiful life two amazing children who don’t deserve this i know I should give a fuck about her but I want my childrens mother to get sober and be in their lives I knew her since we were kids started dating freshman year of high school I just don’t know anymore we had a great life a beautiful apartment kids and all sucks man she went from being someone i thought would be a great mother and wife and became someone I hate I mean while she was pregnant she went with her ex and did H I just hate her so much for that

My brother has been an alcoholic all of his adult life. He passed away 2 weeks ago after stealing our grandfathers prescriptions pills and overdosing. He was found with a bottle in his hand. This is not the first suicide attempt. It has been incredibly painful because I did cut off our relationship about a year ago. He lived with me for years when he was in early 20s but the drinking became too much.. he wouldn’t keep a job, would sleep all day, and drink all night while we were sleeping. It caused major strife between me and my husband and eventually I had to kick him out. He bounced around from friends homes, my mother’s house (which is a long story but she is also an alcohol and drug user and was the worst place for him to be), and my other siblings home.

He was in sober living twice, with one period of being sober over a year and he never spoke to us during that period. We literally didn’t even know he was sober (this was about 2 years ago). Then a year ago he hit me up needing picked up from a hospital after relapsing 2 hours away and I went on 4th of July morning to get him. We completely helped him off his feet (for what felt like the 100th time).. paying his rent, buying him a new cell phone, helping him get his ID etc.. he spoke with us for roughly 2 weeks and then was straight back to drinking. This is when I cut things off… now he’s dead. I carry a lot of guilt naturally but also am trying to remind myself that I was doing what I needed for my mental health because the pain of watching him drink himself to death and the toxicity of the relationship where he only wanted something to do with me when he needed something was too much to bear after 10 years.

The truth is I never knew my brother as an adult. We haven’t had a true relationship in a very long time. In some ways, I have already mourned the death of our sibling relationship a long time ago but the pain of knowing he will never get better and we will never have the opportunity to rekindle our relationship ship is heavy. I also had my first baby a month ago that he didn’t even know I was pregnant and it hurts to know my baby will never know his uncle. We picked up his ashes yesterday and I just felt so numb. It was surreal to know my brother was in that box. It doesn’t feel real.. largely because I haven’t seen him much in the last 5 years or so and it’s been over a year since I’ve seen him last. It feels like he’s still just out there bouncing around.. but he’s not. 💔

This is more a rant at this point but I think I just needed space to vent. So thank you for those who are listening.

Long story but I naively married my husband knowing he was an alcoholic but I thought he was a nice alcoholic. Things have been progressive worse over the last year to the point he has lost 5 jobs in one year, did a hit and run driving drunk, then was arrested in June for destroying property in our home. After his release I told him I can't force him but he had to do some kind of treatment, counseling and medications if he wanted to be allowed back home because I have a 3 year old son who does NOT deserve this. I see now that I was trying to force someone into recovery who wasn't ready and that was codependent behavior on my end. He stopped drinking for exactly 30 days. I came home at noon on day 30 and he was drinking while taking the medication Antabuse before he had a job interview scheduled, 6 days after doing the hit and run. I told him he needed to leave and he got very angry but packed some things and left.

About 8 hours later he returned extremely drunk in a blackout and began screaming and beating on the door threatening to kick it in. I placed the item he wanted outside hoping he would go. This happened again the same evening and he got inside, held my son and myself in a pitch black room against our will and wouldn't let us leave. By the grace of God he found something of mine to go smash outside and I took my son and ran to my car and left and called the police. He has now been in jail 2 months again with felony charges this time. In this time I have been attending meetings, found several close female friends, and been exercising every day and things are so much more peaceful with my sweet son at home. I filed a protective order and it was reported to cps because my son witnessed that so been dealing with that too which has been stressful but all they want is my husband out of the home, and he doesn't even have a bond so it has somewhat been ok.

Last night he called from jail. I'm slowly learning and enforcing boundaries. I told him alcohol has no place in either of our lives. He tried every manipulative tactic in the book. Said he wants to save all his jail meds to end his life while incarcerated. Said it seems like I'm so much better without him. That he asked for divorce papers but didn't go through with it because he wants it to work. Said I only see him as a bum, he would look stupid if he got back with the woman who had him arrested, that he wants to drink after work like a normal man and can handle it (nevermind that he hasn't even been employed the vast majority of the time)

I tried to be encouraging and told him I know he's hurting and he thinks alcohol is the answer but that's not true but I can't convince him of that and I won't try to any longer. He has to decide on his own. I know he is a sick person and I need to focus on my child and my own mental health. I just said alright honestly. I think he is upset I'm not out here crying and broken every day and the truth is I was for a while but I've been grieving the relationship for so long even before his arrest that I've pretty much come to terms with it. I pray for him every day and I believe God can do anything with anyone but I cannot. I cannot fix him and I absolutely cannot tolerate chaos, aggression and insanity around my toddler ever again. I'm just looking to vent and feel seen. Any advice or stories or coping skills are welcome and appreciated.

My heart is breaking, again , tonight and im at a loss. I sit here typing as my 3yo grandson sleeps next to us, at least he is safe tonight. Son in law is an alcoholic and is now physically abusing my daughter. We received that text Thursday from her with pictures, stopped everything and fly 2,000 miles immediately. Over the past couple days, we talked w her alone and with her mom to take a break from him and head back home with us with the kids. Daughter agreed to file temporary restraining order tomorrow am with us. Daughter asked us to watch the kids at the hotel, but she would not leave husband tonight to keep this a secret. Plane tickets, burner phone and emergency funds set up for tomorrow... . . I just received the text from her giving every reason why a TRO and taking space from him is wrong... I understand this disease logically, and know this relationship between them will get worse. I know he will continue to drink and abuse her if she stays. I know she has been trauma bonded to him... I wish I could just say your grounded, time out! What in the world do my wife and I say to her in 7 hours to convince her?

My partner and I have been together 6 years. For the better part of those years he has drank excessively and our relationship has been chaos. We have two young kids and the whole thing has been really hard for me. Many failed attempts to quit over the years that only lasted a few days. Many huge fights and a failing relationship has left me exhausted. The things he has said to me while drinking over the years and the states I have seen him in have deeply affected me. For years my attraction to him was unwavering even with his behaviour and the drinking, I loved him so much and just wanted him to love and want me. The last year or two though i have found it harder to look at him the same and I have shut down a lot when it comes to intimacy with him. Recently in July things came to a head for me and I was ready to make him move out. I guess he saw I meant it this time and he has stopped drinking since then. At least I think, he has told me he can’t promise me he will never drink again, and he goes away for work often so I really have no way of knowing he isn’t drinking while he is working away. His attitude is that he wants to pretty much just drop this and leave it behind us. He wants me to be the same woman I was years ago when it comes to sex and just want it with him. I don’t feel safe yet and I don’t think he’s willing at this point to do the real work to repair things between us. He doesn’t realize the years of drunken behaviour and attacks I was subject to have turned me off.

How did you guys repair? Where do I begin? I want to fix things but I need him to get on board and open up.

For six years, I put up with emotional and mental abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, blame shifting... the list goes on.

I stayed because when it was good it was amazing so I kept telling myself that it was going get better. He said it would right? For six years, I put myself on the back burner. I tended to his needs. I called into his work when he couldn’t wake up. I helped him get a new job when he lost it because of how he behaved at a work event… I constantly cleaned up his aftermath...

Then he dumped me…and I blamed his sickness not him so I made excuses and forgave him when he came back. I poured more of myself into him that time too. Because he was getting better. I noticed the changes…but the nights that were bad felt like a knife straight to the heart and all the memories came flooding back. I was told things you never tell someone you love. Those nights he’d drink too much and looked at me as his emotional punching bag…and unload all of his self hatred onto me.

It’s weird how the mind tries to block out all of the hurt. How it only wants to remember the good times, but this time I saw last that. This time I did the work on me. When he left me a second time I didn’t sit around.

I journaled, and went to therapy. I sat with my pain and used it as a lens to see the years for what they really were. I was abused and mistreated…regardless of the motivation or intention of my abuser. Whether he meant to or not, my truth is reality and my reality was my truth… I was wronged over and over and over again. Disrespected, Unappreciated, Disregarded, and so much more…

Months after he left me a second time, he came back. Asking for another chance…and I’m happy to say I said no. I chose me this time and I’m so much happier. Yes, I have moments where I long for the companionship, when I glimpse what I thought was suppose to be and it hurts. I look at things, at places I wanted to share and I envision him there and my heart feels heavy, but I’m trying or remind myself that I made it out of the chaos. That I finally decided to love myself more than my fear of what’s next. That I owe it to myself to continue putting me first. And I’m so proud of that.

my Q and i broke up about a year ago when i told him that he needed to go home and get sober if we wanted there to be any chance of a future for us. it was devastating. we held each other and cried for a few days, then he left. we made the mistake of trying to remain friends. in my mind, he would go home, get a year or so under his belt, then we could try again. naive. he relapsed after 9 months and has been using non-stop since then. he has has damn near cut me out completely now, which i know is for the best, but it hurts because i know he’s drowning himself. i also know that he has a new girl in his life, which i found out abt from instagram. at the end of the day, there’s always gonna be a part of me that feels awful for breaking up with him and making him go it alone. i know it was right, but that doesn’t make it feel better. i’m worried he’s going to die, i hate the idea that he’s with someone else, and i hate myself for not being able to let go. please help.

Do you have any experience or luck in dealing with this?

My mom is a little obsessed with my husband’s comings and goings. I am trying to not be. My husband just started a job and was almost late on his first day. She told me this with great alarm so I could ‘do something’ . I told her I am not in charge of him and he will experience natural consequences. (And I will ask him to go to his moms) The next morning he woke up an hour and a half after his shift started. I suddenly got mad, got codependent, told him I would make sure he got up in time everyday. I know, so healthy. Then my mom comes in after a bit and wants to rehash everything she sees from him as dishonest, irresponsible, anything wrong with what he is doing and she does this about half of the days I come home from work. She gets mad at me for not having the exact same reaction as her on everything or telling her she’s doing a good job on the advice she gave him. The same advice I’ve given him for years that never helped anything.

He tells me that she is giving him lots of unwanted advice, like hold his head up when talking to people. He was served papers on some credit card debt and he told her he thought he missed a court date on it (he didn’t) My mom obsessed about it for two days I told him, ‘Please keep shit like that to yourself!’ There is a whole world of people that he can talk to/vent to, etc. but he chooses my mom to talk to.

I am like a top ready to blow. Last night I screamed into a pillow, threw some shit in the bathroom and sobbed my guts out. I am hiding out in my bedroom today and I am not happy it is a three day weekend. I can’t wait to go back to work.

She doesn’t want to go to Al Anon. She wants to go to her own group away from me and is worried about things getting back to me and I think she’s a little intimidated by the whole thing of opening up to a group. So she doesn’t go. She doesn’t have very many connections and no local friends at all. This is sadly all she has to focus on.

I have been missing a lot of meetings since I started my job but I WILL be going this Wednesday night. I thought about inviting her to it to see if she can get over her fear of it. Partly I don’t want to because I want to talk about this fucked up dynamic and get advice and yeah, sympathy. But I probably will invite her.

Any advice? I feel crazy.

My Q has been sober for nearly 8 months down after struggling with alcohol for I think about 8 years. I know she isn’t drinking and hasn’t got access to any alcohol but there are still moments where I’m terrified that she’s drinking. She’ll be acting different because she’s tired and I know that’s all it is but there is still a part of me that’s paranoid she’s drunk and hiding it. I trust her and I know she’s sober but I feel like I’m going insane. Is it normal to feel like this, and how do I work through it if it is? Thank you for taking the time to read this

I went no contact about a week ago. My Q is in rehab and I had time to reflect. I decided that my resentment can't be overcome while in his presence. There were a lot of bad behaviors, I essentially felt like he hated me for 2 years. I felt I was disrespecting myself to remain after all that. Our last conversation wasn't great.

I have an abundance of time now that I don't feel any responsibility for him or what happens. It is freeing but this room has an echo 😂 I have done some reading and art. I do meetings online. What helped you fill the silence?

If your 21yo daughter attempted to leave the house and drive while she was drunk and you had to take her keys- and this happened days before she leaves for college- what would you do?

Mind you she’s taken it very seriously and has been going to daily AA meetings and using her sober supports.

So this will be long but basically the gist of all of this is I need help and advice - I am not planning on supporting my husband through another one of his emotional and drinking spirals downward and need help on preparation for leaving. So I’ll just write out quite a few things that have happened since we got married as I had no idea I married an addict and actually posted on another thread about his anger issues and everyone said I was describing an addict - I did lots of my own research and 100% can confirm he is an addict. Every single person and I mean every single person on his dad’s side is either a current alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic - his dad is recovered but still has quite the temper. I am now in this group thread seeking advice and support. Ok here we go: The day after we got married he asked to go on a boat with his buddies they had rented that were from out of country so I said yes of course go see them more (I was hungover anyways), what I found out a year later so a few months ago was that he had lied to me and his buddies had met single girls with a boat (his friend eventually told me) so my husband day one of our marriage went to go party with single girls on a boat and his friends were posting videos of him boot chugging beer. A few days later we are on our honeymoon and he gets super drunk and then into an argument with a man over boogie boarding (!!) and he hits the man. Then on our honeymoon he tries to open up a bank account on the island we were on and they deny him since he wasn’t a local, he gets so angry they threaten to call the cops and he just sits outside waiting for the cops to arrive. He has been disinvited from 3 separate sporting events this summer alone because of his anger issues when playing. He wasn’t invited to be a groomsmen for his good buddy when the rest of his close friends were, I suspect from how he acts when he drinks, he’s had issues with wedding photographers before and a bridesmaid told him that’s why he wasn’t a groomsmen - because acting like a fool when drunk. He gets anger at me all the time now over the smallest things - I asked him to put the milk away that he’s left out for 10 minutes and I’m sitting and eating breakfast - he goes “that just pissed me off” and all I did was ask him to put away the milk. I have been working my ass off to find a job while pregnant because I was a fool and was following him around the world for his job and his dreams that do not make ends meet and my contract employment came to an end. I now have successfully found a great job! Last summer at the wedding where he wasn’t a groomsmen, I had an anaphylactic allergic reaction and had to be rushed to the ER and spent hours in the ER with how severe my reaction was - he lets me know he’s upset with me because he couldn’t go to the reception. His dad calls him and the first thing he asks my husband - did you not get to go to the wedding then?? And the 2nd was how is your wife in the ER (thanks ass wipe). Later that night he breaks a TV from the remote hitting is too hard (I was showering and he claims it was cause he flung the sheet back and then the remote hit it). He had to pay the hotel for the TV. He very often gets drunk and then will yell at people in their cars when we’re walking home so they’ll get out and fight him - he says he just wants to get his ass kicked. I made him leave a 4th of July party early around 8pm after having been there all day because I was pregnant (1st trimester) and had to drive us home which was over an hour away. He gets belligerently angry with me the next day when he’s sober and says I brought him to that party and he was having fun and then I just took him away - it was apparently all my fault. He has done drugs multiple times now this summer - all trying to hide it from me.

I no longer feel I can talk to him about really anything because I fear his reactions, I get so nervous when he drinks because he is constantly trying to start arguments with me over the silliest things like what do I think of this cover song? If I don’t like the song - he starts fighting with me. I get so nervous and anxious to bring him anywhere even when alcohol isn’t involved because I don’t know what he’ll do or say as his actions have gotten so severe. I am so emotionally and mentally drained and just freaking hurt - my mom has commented on how drained I looked this summer and how down I had seemed. He has let me down time and time and won’t even read or learn anything about pregnancy or having a child (we both wanted to get pregnant and have a baby and tried for 8 months) - he said he wants me to tell him everything he needs to know and what to do - how exhausting. I now prefer when he’s away for work or to see friends (which is often), I’ve found myself happier and lighter when he’s not around me. I genuinely get in a good, excited mood when I drive him to the airport.

We had broken up before and spent 2 years apart. We had the best relationship in college and I was so in love and then during Covid is went to shit - I thought it was Covid. I had been asking him to go to therapy and he wouldn’t until I finally broke up with him. He then went to therapy and treatment and stayed sober for a year. We were long distance when we got back together and then engaged (quite quickly) but I had just missed him so much. Once we got married things started getting worse - I had to talk to him about his drinking last August and he quit drinking for 4 months. Since I’ve gotten pregnant, things have gotten even worse. I did not know I married an addict, I did not know it gets worse when you get older, I did not know it will get worse when I got pregnant. And if history proves right, it will get worse when I give birth if he hasn’t seeked treatment. At this point I want him to get treatment for himself and our child but not for me - I do not want to be with him any longer, I have been hurt multiple times now and there’s been too much damage done. I deserve a peaceful life free from the emotional burden of alcoholism. All that being said, he is a good man with a good heart but this beast has taken over.

We are from different countries (he’s Canadian) and he’s a seasonal worker so summers off and every year he’s somehow making less while continuing to spend all his saved money on golf and good times. We have separate bank accounts, no property owned together, I bought the car when we were separated. We will be living apart this year as remote work for me became impossible to find and had to get a job in a separate city from him. This will be the city I am from and will call home for years to come. My issue is I know he will get treatment and stop drinking if I tell him to but only because he’ll fear I’ll leave him. Right now, I do not want to be with him, I do not want him to seek treatment because I tell him too and then I end up leaving him. I am planning on telling him I will not be seeing him this year before the baby and he needs to be in control of this journey. I need advice on how to talk to him, he will completely feel like I am blindsiding him. I fear for his reactions. I need advice on what to say to him when I don’t want to continue this marriage and I really only want him to get treatment for himself and the baby. I am not scared to raise a baby by myself I have the best family and support system. The way I see it, I would be raising my baby on my own anyways. My job is fantastic and can 100% provide. He constantly leaves me to party or to see his friends - I am so use to being away from him that it’s weird when he’s around. I hope I don’t sound like too much of an a-hole and that I’ve given up but I spent almost a decade with him and I just can’t anymore. I am too young and have too much life to live. I lost my dad when I was 17, I refuse to spend any more of my life depressed. Also last nail in the coffin I suppose - he disrespects my mom, a freaking widow who has been nothing but loving and supportive of him.

I feel so anxious with this first time post.

I’m married to an alcoholic. We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this September.

I’m not sure where to start without making this a ridiculously long post. Suffice to say my husband has been a drinker since his teens. He just turned 40 this last April. Last year he put himself into acute liver failure while we were on a trip out of our home state. We spent two weeks on a critical care unit and I didn’t know if he would make it.

It was horrifying and I spent 3 days not sleeping or eating and barely drinking, while being his personal 1:1 because I could calm him enough while he was completely out of his mind with hallucinations so that he didn’t have to be shipped to a different hospital because he would’ve needed restraints and to be put in a type of coma while his body went through withdrawal and they tried to save his liver. Everything they gave him at that hospital that should’ve knocked him out didn’t work. So much yelling, he yelled so much and struggled against the nurses. He couldn’t feed himself. I cried so much and when he couldn’t remember who I was or even who he was and he was too weak to even fight anymore and was needing to be propped up by pillows just so he sort of sat upright I called his mom and told her she needed to come out because the doctor wasn’t certain how it was going to go.

He was aggressive and completely unable to control his body enough to sit up. But he was desperately trying to get up to go home and get his beer.

His favorite drink? Well it’s Coors light.

We were able to get him better, physical therapy and everything else was needed. He had to relearn how to drive sober. It was super scary at first. He is better now.

However he only stopped drinking any alcohol for 3 months. That’s all he was willing to do. He told me that he didn’t want me to force him to take pills against his will that would help curb his cravings and make him sick if he drank.

He wants to drink when he decides to. This has been a terrible tension point in our relationship.

Mind you he was an abusive alcoholic. It was hell and sometimes you can’t help but look for any little bit of positive to keep your love and relationship alive.

Well I’m struggling. He’s not as bad as he was before (going through at minimum 2- 24 packs twice a week) he would drink all day long everyday. Before the failure he drank at 8am and had his last one at 11:30pm and then fall asleep. However it has gone from 1 beer every other week to now being 4-8 everyday for 6 days. I’ve been keeping tabs.

I know this is getting long but here is my other concern. He is going to see a therapist that is specifically to help him with this. Her name is Sherry and though a bit older than us she seemed like she was helping at first. Now he says she’s fine with his decisions though he’s been lying to me through our whole marriage so idk if he’s even telling her the truth. I wanted to go with once just so she could help me understand and help him. (I also go to therapy and have been for 4 years and I’ve had my husband join me many times.) When I suggested this he got super defensive and agitated. He gave every excuse he could think of as why I couldn’t go and then when I calmly talked with him about it, he broke it down to this is private and for me alone and I don’t want you there period.

This was super suspicious to me as he got angry and yelled about it though I wasn’t doing anything but asking for clarification so I could understand.

If I ask about what she says and he doesn’t like it he gets super protective over the subject of her.

I don’t understand. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know how to feel. I’m so lost. If you have questions I’ll do my best to answer them. Any help would be appreciated.

I have a relative with an alcohol problem who yet again cancelled a family get-together -- his birthday -- at the last minute. It's not surprising and it's become a family joke about when he'll cancel, but it's still frustrating.

This time his excuse was that he felt like he was getting a cold. In the past the last-minute excuses have been food poisoning, colds, mysterious illnesses, etc. The most hilarious cancellation was that he had some meat in the fridge that he needed to cook because it was going to expire.

I assume the cancellations are hang-over or mental health related. He's gone through alcohol rehab and was in therapy, but I don't have much rapport with him and don't feel I can (or want to) intervene in his issues.

Today's cancelation is frustrating as it was an excuse to take his mother and other elderly family members out of their respective retirement homes. Since it was for his birthday, it would seem odd to go out without him as we usually do when he cancels.

He's otherwise a nice, friendly guy who is very personable. It's sad that he makes it so frustrating.

My brother 20 y/o, has been doing quite well these past couple of months. He got into some legal trouble this past year & is currently in a process of being sober from the drugs he used to take. His preferred drug is Xanax. He has required check ins from his PO, he has counseling, he’s been doing his weekly drug tests. I’d say he’s been doing well in my eyes for the past 4 months which for me is a long time. We don’t talk much anymore. For context, we both live with our mother. I help us all out financially. Two days ago we all got into a big fight. He gets mad at the smallest things. The smallest. We don’t go where he needs to go, when he wants to go, he gets mad. It’s scary to be around him when he’s mad. He’s tall, he destroys the things around him. It’s scary not to say no. He ended up ripping his door off completely, tore apart his room, yelled at my mom & I in our faces, and it got to the point where I had to call the police. He didn’t hit us or throw anything at us. But it was enough for me to have to call the cops. He took off. We haven’t ever really reached a point where we’ve cut him off financially or left him out in the streets for days or anything of that sort. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve been having to remind my mom that this is his life, that if he wants to work on his life and continue on a path to sobriety that he has to want that for himself. And he always says no. He doesn’t want to go to rehab or seek out ways to better his mental health. He says it won’t work. Our arguments turn into him saying that he ruined his life, that his life it pointless, that we’re terrible. There’s always an excuse when we confront his abusive behaviors. He always manages to flip it on us & he never takes any accountability. I got into a car accident this year, & it totaled the car. That night that I got released from the hospital he & his girlfriend were sprawled out on the couch high. Not caring about my accident, that I could’ve potentially died, nothing. He didn’t care. He turned the whole situation into how we should all feel bad for him. That memory is burned into my soul. My relationship with my brother has changed so much for him over the past couple of years from all of his recklessness, from his verbal abuse, from his manipulation, from his anger. It’s hard to not have remorse for him when all he brings is nothing but destruction, ungratefulness, and anger. I hate it. Sometimes I do feel bad. I think about the past traumas that he’s gone through to get to this stage in his life. He’s never told us anything. I think about the times where we used to laugh and do things together. When he was funny. When he used to come in my room and hang out with me. But that version of him is gone. I’ve had to mourn him. And now I’m at a point where I have nothing left in me. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I’m mainly just saying all of this to get out my frustration. I’m also writing all of this out because my mom is having a hard time letting him go. Thank you for anyone who reads this. I know that the way that we’ve enabled his addictive behaviors is wrong. I know that. My mom & I are both in therapy to work on how to better react to his behaviors and also to better ourselves. We’re trying our best. Again, thank you to anyone who reads this. If anyone has any suggestions on how to best go about not enabling his behavior that would be helpful. Sending love to anyone who relates to this or who is also going through a difficult time.

I'm sorry this is long and probably messy. I was feeling down, and reading some of the posts here made me feel understood. I thought sharing this with people who understood would make me feel a bit better.

My brother is 2 years younger than me (both in our 20s), and we have both always lived together in the same house since our childhood. I was there from the moment he started having struggles with addiction. First it was just my mom, brother, and me. Then, when my mom couldn't handle the situation because he was getting out of control. I stood by my father's side, as I had done with my mother. It has been years now. Things are just getting worse as time passes. He has even become violent on multiple occasions and has hurt my father. But we just go in circles. He's sent to a mental institution, stabilized, out on a week, doesn't go to the medical follow-ups, some time passes, he's doing ok, and then back to square one. When that happens, my dad says he's going to do this and that, but ultimately, nothing is done.

I have stayed because I did not want to leave my father in this alone, even though I'm sick and tired of it. But this last situation we had, he started getting violent towards my cats. And I can stand all his crap, but I'm not going to stand him abusing my cats. So in tears, I left, and I'm now with my mom and her boyfriend.

It's been about a month.It has been really hard on me because I have felt like it was unfair that I was the one that had to move. I've been visiting my dad almost every week. And these past two visits have made me realize something. In me leaving, I was hoping my dad would do something more. That he would do all these things he had been saying he would do. That he would see he was losing me. But no. Nothing has been done. And that really hurts.

Not only that, but I basically don't have a room anymore in "my house." My dad says I do, but my brother has basically taken over the whole house, including my room.And it really feels like I'm a second thought. Like I don't matter as much. That I'm not that important. That I can fence for myself, so my brother's "needs" and "wants" are a priority. I know my dad loves me very much, but this still hurts. I guess I thought my dad would stand by me as I did with him.I knew my father was enabling my brother, but I thought with me leaving he would see that. I guess I was wrong. He says it is "his condition," that is, "not him". I guess that gives him a pass to do whatever he wants without a consequence. Maybe that's his way of copying or something.

I came to this realization yesterday. I've been crying since. Today my sister texted me to ask if I was "back home". My grandmother has asked me the same a couple of times. It just adds insult to injury. I feel like they see it as me just being a bit dramatic about it and that I'll soon forget and return back home. They know of some of the stuff he's done, but not all. They have not been there this whole time. They haven't had to witness his violent outbursts. Get caught between him and my father getting physical, just hoping things don't escalate and that they are okay.

It's funny; the longer I stay with my mom, the more I start to see I was in a really messed up situation. In my mom's house I feel restless. My mom just expects me to take care of my things and cats. It feels weird. In my house I was constantly cleaning up after my brother. I had to cook, or bring him food. Here they even cook for me. I feel bad. Like I don't deserve all this hospitality. I don't even need to be on high alert, wondering what mood he's in.

I will tell my mom about these feelings tomorrow. Just share them with her. It feels melancholic, I guess. It is not streams of tears. Just lone, sole tears. One or two. Thank you for reading.

If you are a parent with a similar situation, please don't forget about your other kids. We don't need nothing grand. We know you struggle. But we struggle too.