r/BPD • u/hehial_vsg • 22h ago
❓Question Post Am I the only one that gets super triggered by some of these words?
Am I way too "sensitive" or does anyone else also feel dismissed/invalidated when they're expressing emotions and gets hit with one of these:
Emotional - Dramatic - Overdramatic - Overreacting - Calm down - Grow up - Let it go - Sensitive - It's not that big of a deal - Why are you always like this?
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u/sweetcookie999 19h ago
Being told to “grow up” is my biggest trigger. Also being told I am acting like a child and that I should act my age. “You are 26, act like it”
that shit fucks. me. up. it reminds me how truly broken I still am from when all my trauma hit its peak in my teenage years. Mentally I still feel 16 and I hate it so much.
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u/RainbowMarioParty user has bpd 17h ago
I’m 44 and my doctor said that mentally and emotionally im between 10-14 years old
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u/Unstable_Maniac 9h ago
I'm my thirties and my psych said I was learning stuff a 3 year old should've so there's that fun aspect of life i guess.
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u/hehial_vsg 19h ago
Yes yes YES. I relate to this on so many levels. It's like a part of you never grew up and they make it obvious with their words. Constant reminder.
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u/Forterock5 18h ago
All of these are triggers for me. I come to realize some of it is due to my trauma. So we tried other methods. Such as putting up a hand camly and making a stop sign. There is also just giving something called mid talk. I won't think about grabbing it, and it automatically calms me down. We tried things that aren't always words cause they are triggering. So I completely understand this. I hope some of our tricks help
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u/starsofalgonquin 21h ago
To me the injury is in the judgment and the lack of curiosity. My guess is that we all lacked curiosity from our parents in childhood.
But, These judgments out of context are hard to make sense of though because it’s possible not that you’re too emotional, but that an emotional response is getting in the way of curiosity, likely due to a deep sense of not feeling safe and validated.
The relational field between us needs to have curiosity and the ability in my nervous system to name a feeling rather than get overtaken by it. There’s a difference between telling my wife “I’m feeling angry when I hear you say that, what do you mean by it?” Vs just yelling at her.
And of course if the other person is using judgment against you, that’s a sign that they are lacking some curiosity and empathy and probably emotionally disregulated as well.
There’s another piece to this too which is that I think a lot of folks with BPD are quite gifted and are like the canary in the coalmine, and we receive a lot of projections from people who have repressed and denied their own emotions and are still emotionally immature.
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u/Waste_Exit2787 19h ago
Dramatic. High maintenance. Calm down. You’re overreacting. Yup I get hit with all of them and it’s triggering but I’ve been owning it more. Like this is me and my feelings are valid buh byeeeee. People don’t like when you explain how they are invalidating their feelings out loud I found. So I call them out and let it gooo, let it gooooo. Deep breathing helps too lol
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u/hehial_vsg 19h ago
OMG high maintenance!!! my toxic ex used to say it all the time
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u/RainbowMarioParty user has bpd 17h ago
Gosh mine too and that’s absolutely not even fitting for me , I don’t care about jewelry or fashionble clothes I don’t wear makeup and rarely go to hair dresser ,I shop at thrift stores and Walmart and I’m as happy to go to McDonald’s or a pizza place for date. I am a simple minimalist and yet I got called high maintenance because of my ARFID and my need for reassurance
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u/Illustrious_Twist420 user has bpd 3h ago
I wonder if a part of it actually stems from deeply buried sexism... I have never ever heard of a woman calling her boyfriend high maintenance, but I keep hearing of men talking about their girlfriends being high maintenance or demanding when in reality they're really not "high maintenance", they are literally just full human beings with regular needs and feelings. Really makes you think.
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u/Green_Hovercraft_535 user has bpd 22h ago
you're not too sensitive at all. "grow up" and "sensitive" are huge triggers for me too.
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u/a_boy_called_sue user has bpd 19h ago
Yeah when my mum says that rather than try to understand or listen at why her shaming attitude is difficult for me I feel utterly rageful
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u/ShreddedGinger user is curious about bpd 18h ago
I imagine that "Immature", "Childish", and "Petty" qualify as well.
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u/transcendentlights user has bpd 22h ago
You’re not too sensitive. These are all very invalidating things to hear, and being told them would make just about anyone upset. It’s no wonder they trigger you.
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u/huddledcloset user has bpd 19h ago
They're all valid trigger words because they're all invalidating. I despise them too
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u/huddledcloset user has bpd 19h ago
Ah wait, while 'sensitive' is a normal word and I acknowledge I am that, some people say it with an intentional bad tone and that's when the word 'sensitive' is triggering to me
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u/EmotionallyFairy 20h ago edited 20h ago
I do too. It's invalidating. When someone tells me I'm too sensitive after I express myself it's as if none of what I expressed matters to them- it's immediately dismissed. but why do we even see sensitivity as a bad thing? Why even use the word too ? Think about the good sides of it- like extremely high emotional ineligence and empathy. People tend to be against sensivity and make it seem irrational, while it's actually connected to a type of inteligence.
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u/RainbowMarioParty user has bpd 17h ago
Yes I hate those words cause they were often used by the people who abused me as a child / teen
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u/Rayeoneace 17h ago
That's not too sensitive at all, really. That's okay. My worst triggers are generic non-advice(i.e. "Just be yourself", "Love yourself before loving others", "Don't care about what others think") because they always feel the most disingenuous and invalidating.
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u/Simones_Says 15h ago
I hate it when people describe me being upset as “pissy.” Because the emotion feels really real to me, and being called “pissy” makes it feel like they just see me as a whining kid.
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u/Background-Letter267 user no longer meets criteria for BPD 13h ago
Okay, I can totally understand that! I believe that most of these words (like overreacting, overdramatic, sensitive, etc.) are used when someone invalidates you and your emotional experience. And (for me) being invalidated is one of my major bpd triggers since I experienced it so often in my childhood which can be traumatic in it's own way.
In those situations, I take a step back and regulate my emotions. I recognized that a lot of people actually don't understand how hurting it can be to hear those comments. So I regulate myself by telling me that my emotions absolutely are valid and that there is no "right" way to feel. When I'm ready, I try to educate the people around me about how it's hurting me and what to do instead when I'm experiencing an intense emotional episode. That helped a lot.
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u/TheDeathYouChose user has bpd 22h ago
Saying ANY of that is like emptying a can of hairspray into a dumpster fire. And it 100% always feels like they know it and are saying it just to enrage me
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u/hehial_vsg 21h ago
really? you think they know it?
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u/TheDeathYouChose user has bpd 21h ago
Emotional, dramatic, overdramatic, overreacting, grow up, let it go, sensitive,
I think even someone with BPD would be offended by these things being said to them. Those are all things said to diminish and invalidate someone’s feelings. There is no good intentions behind those words.
“Calm down” is such a cliche at this point there’s no way anyone doesn’t know that’s going to have the opposite effect.
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u/smoker47 user has bpd 17h ago
Yes and yes
I don’t wanna be known for that, even sometimes it’s true, but i believe i have a good reason for reacting that way, i hate being called sensitive but it’s true and i have no control over it :(
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u/Otherwise_Sign_9654 16h ago
Rescently ive had to drop like 7 people out of my life because they violate my emotional or physical boundaries. I would explain it to them and all of them just told me i was too sensitive or dramatic. I feel you but i try to express and give them a few opportunities. I do not allow people to abuse my good intentions
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u/Caseresolver1974 15h ago
I lost my cool yesterday and the day before because at least four of those phrases were said to me and I’ve heard them my whole life growing up so no not sensitive.
Obviously we are responsible for how we react when triggered and what not but people need to also put the work in to not trigger others because they see it as “being sensitive.”
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u/JamesHomofield user has bpd 13h ago
YES, YES AND YES. I made the mistake of reading threads outside of the circle of people who actually understand BPD and it go me so fucking angry at the audacity these people had to portray us as insecure and overly emotional while claiming the throne of rationality to themselves. Fuck this.
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u/Gotsims1 21h ago edited 21h ago
Those phrases and insults are your proof the other person is emotionally immature. Because there’s no wrong or right way to feel as long as you’re not hurting anyone.
What these people are usually trying to express is things like “I don’t know what to do/say” “I don’t know how to hold space for these feelings” “I am unable to care for you the way you need.” “I am uncomfortable” or “I am afraid of strong emotions” period.
Try not to take these things to heart. They sometimes reveal more about other people’s shortcomings than our own.
Now, if these hit hard you might wanna ask yourself what about them feels a bit true to you. Not in order to shame yourself. In order to figure out if there’s anything you could also do a better job of. If not, just accept that the other person is being rude and keep it moving. If there IS something about these statements which feels true however, that is also worth examining and being honest with yourself about. Because sometimes it’s a vessel for growth if you can be kind to yourself while integrating critique. You’re not a problem, and you have been through devastating hardships, but maybe you need new and better ways of processing huge feelings which could help you and people around you. Especially if you’re an adult embodying a large hurting kid, that can unfortunately confuse and stress people who don’t understand trauma. It doesn’t mean you are a burden, but it is something to start managing in a mature healthy manner and planning how to deal with while you’re regulated.
Hope that made some sort of sense. I’m right here with you, especially if you’ve been shamed repeatedly for needing love and support when you never got enough of it. I just think these can be a call to start giving yourself those things as well, and be made an opportunity instead of a threat or a hit to your self-esteem.
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u/confettiest 13h ago edited 13h ago
The 'calm down' and 'let it go' really should be phased out in general, they're especially proven not to work when said to anyone regardless of BPD's involvement. Not only do they assume how extremely someone's affected by something, but then they invalidate with a "just stop being _____" tone. It just comes across like they have to tame down your emotions like some mad beast even though you could be reacting to something in a perfectly reasonable way. Also "relax!!" is synonymous depending on context. I've heard those only from the worst kinds of people and I've grown to cut people off who say those if I can.
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u/lovelyangeltears user has bpd 10h ago
Emotional and sensitive doesn’t trigger me, but yeah the rest definitely does
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u/jizzyizzy19 8h ago
"Drama queen" has to be the worst one for me- my family nickname growing up! Someone could whisper that a mile away and my eye would start twitching like Mr Darcy.
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u/Illustrious_Twist420 user has bpd 4h ago
Yes these trigger me and no you are not too sensitive. These are usually said as invalidating statements and it drives me nuts when for instance my boyfriend does it.
However, whenever people say things like these, I am reminded that people generally have very little skill when it comes to saying and doing validating things. When they encounter someone who is struggling they literally don't know what to do about it, and it may trigger them to see someone in distress or someone being "overly negative" in their mind, and they for real think they can help the situation by saying these things. But usually it only makes things worse, and then of course as the one having BPD you end up as the one "at fault" in that situation when you have a reaction to those invalidating statements.
That's probably part of why they are so triggering too - they literally put you in a bind where if you end up having a big reaction to their invalidation, they can use that reaction as "evidence" to their case that you are just "overly dramatic", and can thereby continue shutting you down, being condescending, and keep invalidating you until you stop speaking up. Very insidious stuff, really.
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u/Peepoodine 21h ago
"You're exaggerating" is killing me. I want to break everything around me, especially when it comes to injustice that concerns others...
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u/Yellowcup508 user knows someone with bpd 22h ago
no your not those things some of them have pissed me off overtime too even if at same time i understand the messege and do kinda see both sides of a coin
for me about 3 or 4 years ago went to grab a file someone my father had organized for me just said hey dad do you have that file that says(my name) legal? i wonna look into something
am met with the dysfunction of " these are my files i organized them! =/
came back later with a pizza figuring maybe if he eats sometign might go better..
i get get off of my property your mentaly il..after that i did not speak to him for like 3 years...
he has dementia and skin cancer now as wwel as being on like 4 medications.. so.. i talked to him about it awhile ago and he said let it go.. and well.. iam of the same mind because i see him now and within myself wish to take on more of a caretaken role for my father and with the declining memory there are some convos that no longer can be had.. i want to remind him of happy positive moments and not hold onto negativity so i for myself also do wish to let go of these things instead of holding onto them but at the same time somethign that says GRRR started yapping a little but theni looked at that thing within myself and said really buddy? he doesnt have much time left and even if he does in what state would that time be in?
on the one EMotional i picture it used in a particular phase or sentence in ffact if you start it off with
Your so insert xyz word you have put there then many of those would just be bashy unhealthy dismissive invalidating or just otherwise sort of a way to kind of shove a person around kinda to me there problem is in what is being said before these words here
i think it is something withing another person from outside of ones own self coming with these things from a place of controling the one they are saying it to
instead of if i for my own self and for my own self were to use these same words in my own mye to myself like my own self talk then to me they seem to be more healthy words
for example if i were to say to myself or even if i were to say to a friend something along the lines of
"hey i am felling stressed out right now i kind of just want to stay home and calm down" then to me this feels healthy
same could be if i said to myself that i want to grow up and move past this xyz thing i have been stuck on
or if i myself was journaling and worte after some event that i was just feeling kind of emotional
i think it may lie someplace withing the differenceing between context fort of is it being said as means to control dominate invalidate and dismiss another?
or sorta./.. how to say how what is the right words to say it?
does it become someone else saying it to me sort of a "you" pointing a finger at me sentence?
or instead is it in a way of self
and more of a "I" "me" type of thing
to me it is like this
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u/Responsible-Round452 21h ago
The more friends you have, the less friends you have, remember who matters and fuck whatever anyone else says, if they bring negativity into your life cut them out.