Trying to understand boundaries

[u/Lower-Dragonfly-585]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share something that happened recently and get some perspective.

Im 18F, have BPD, and I’ve been in therapy since I was 12 (multiple therapists), but sometimes my reactions still surprise me.

I had a text conversation with my therapist over a couple of days. I was calm and reflective at first, checking in about a journaling method I’m using and making sure I was respecting boundaries.

Then she sent a message reminding me of a boundary about not reaching out between sessions (unless scheduling). I felt okay with it at first, but after a bit, I sent this:

“Never mind, I’d actually prefer if you texted me letting me know you’re leaving on Monday, the 8th. I am done texting. I am only going to hurt you, I don’t want to do that so I might just have to take your number out of my phone or something. But please text me saying you’re going to leave that morning. I’m never going to get good at boundaries, and I just have to accept that. I’ll hear from you that morning, I probably won’t come either. I’m sorry I’m being like this.”

I was spiralling at the time I sent it, but I know now that it might come across as intense or self-sabotaging. My brain immediately jumped to thinking she might leave me because of it.

She never said she was leaving, she stated her boundary, and let me know when we’d see each other next. But something about it triggered me.

So I felt relieved when I hit send, but now that it’s out there and I’ve calmed down, I feel so guilty. I’m trying to understand. Is this the sort of reaction BPD causes or am I just being a shitty person?

How do I manage the fear and anxiety around her boundaries without sending something like this? Also, how do I stop judging myself after sending texts like these?

Any insight or advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.

[u/Yellowcup508]

first off i will say good morning and its good that your posted so that your not holding things in

looking at it from the outside i think that actually it is a really good and positive that that you had this boundary experience and all the ways that you felt about it specifically with your therapist

it can be turned into a safe opportunity to test and explore boundaries and also how you feel about everything in a supported way i think this can be turned into a positive

i would say perhaps be mindful of the self talk specifically the type where you are speaking to your own self like this "I’m never going to get good at XYZ" because this is you putting yourself down

it takes a conscious effort but if you can shift your self talk more into something like I can see that i am really struggling with this right now. then by doing so you give yourself hope and you stop putting yourself down and you acknowledge the moment and also how you feel without labeling it as forever

at same time i think it is really good that you said all of that to your therapist about the negative emotions and also how you felt and were struggling instead of bottle it up or holding it all in and to give yourself that gift of self expression

looking at the boundary again i think it would be within the lines and limits of said boundary to send your therapist another text once your feeling good something along the lines of hey i was struggling with the boundary in the moment i aim to be there for my appointment i realized there is alot to talk about and thank you

i think saying something like this would be ok because it is within the limits and boundaries of scheduling

forgive yourself and also i forgive you better to feel grateful for this experience and oppurtunity to grow instead of guilty because that is exactly what it is it is a oppurtunity

sometimes growth hurts a little bit

i hope my comment helps <3

[u/Loblodliz]

I appreciate you posting this. I think struggling with boundaries needs to be destigmatized. Otherwise, there's no way to ask for help understanding them without a lot of social judgment that gets in the way of learning.

The text you sent might be intense if it was a friend, but you are texting a professional therapist. It's up to her to set and enforce appropriate boundaries to protect the therapeutic relationship.

From what I understand about boundaries: Your boundaries are your job. Her boundaries are her job.

My question is, what are your boundaries? You mention wanting to take her number out of her phone. That's an example of an internal boundary to set if you feel tempted to text her between sessions. Maybe talk to her during your next session and ask if you can work on setting boundaries for you. It's clear that you are very hard on yourself.

[u/False-Insurance500]

I understand... When someone puts boundaries to me... Its like hitting my heart with a hammer... Id rather they tell me they dont want to talk anymore than this half state between "life an death"... Its like they are telling me to hide my true self because they dont like it... Id rather not talk anymore with that person...

I dont have advice... I dont think I can improve and tbh i dont even want to... I will die alone and pathetic, but at least I didnt have to change myself so that someone likes me, that wouldnt have liked my previous self...

[u/Lower-Dragonfly-585 → u/False-Insurance500]

Thank you, that’s exactly what it feels like. It literally consumes my entire being, and I hate feeling so out of control. I appreciate you sharing, it makes me feel a lot less alone. You will improve, I believe in you.

[u/False-Insurance500 → u/Lower-Dragonfly-585]

tbh i dont want to improve... its what i said... id like to be loved as i am, not as some other better version...

[u/Yellowcup508 → u/False-Insurance500]

<3 be true to yourself always

if you at any point decide to change yourself it should be for you and from the self not from others or for others

if you wish to change in any way do it from a place of you like you

not for others

[u/False-Insurance500 → u/Yellowcup508]

i totally agree. i hate when ppl say "dress nicer, go to the gym" or "improve yourself", etc when I say im lonely... I dont have the will to improve myself, but even if i had it, i wouldnt do so that others would like me...

[u/Yellowcup508 → u/False-Insurance500]

"self improvment" can indeed itself become toxic

self acceptance is much better

i mean look at me over here pile of mail on the floor ful on rot-maxxing

havent gone to a gym in over a decade have not gotten a haircut in... i think i have gotten 1 haircut since 2012... i just cutt knots out when they happen and walk around with a literal rats next on top of my head but i couldnt care less! =)

dress nicer? bahhhhh cloths are there to protect me from the elements or so that im not naked and i dont like to buy cloths people can just look at me and say hey sweatpants! wuts up?

on that not i kinda kinda of looking forward to sweatpants+hoodie weather for fall

[u/EnthusiastPeruser]

“I’m never going to get good at boundaries, and I have to accept that.”

Incorrect. Your therapist would even tell you this. There are methods that curb this behavior and help it to at least be more manageable. The whole, “It is what it is,” approach lots of pwBPD take is why people see them to be insufferable and selfish.

Your therapist has a right to tell you they felt a boundary was crossed. You have a right to tell someone if they cross your boundaries too. This should not trigger anyone.

[u/Lower-Dragonfly-585 → u/EnthusiastPeruser]

Yeah, I don’t think I’m doomed to never get good at boundaries though (that was me IN the spiral, I wasn’t thinking logically). I know it’s going to take a lot of practice and probably always feel uncomfortable for me, but I don’t want to stay stuck in ‘it is what it is.’

Boundaries definitely do trigger me right now, but that’s WHY I’m in therapy and working on it. It’s not that I don’t care about other people’s boundaries, it’s that my brain sometimes interprets them as rejection. I’m trying to get better at separating the two.