Trying to understand boundaries

[u/Lower-Dragonfly-585]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share something that happened recently and get some perspective.

Im 18F, have BPD, and I’ve been in therapy since I was 12 (multiple therapists), but sometimes my reactions still surprise me.

I had a text conversation with my therapist over a couple of days. I was calm and reflective at first, checking in about a journaling method I’m using and making sure I was respecting boundaries.

Then she sent a message reminding me of a boundary about not reaching out between sessions (unless scheduling). I felt okay with it at first, but after a bit, I sent this:

“Never mind, I’d actually prefer if you texted me letting me know you’re leaving on Monday, the 8th. I am done texting. I am only going to hurt you, I don’t want to do that so I might just have to take your number out of my phone or something. But please text me saying you’re going to leave that morning. I’m never going to get good at boundaries, and I just have to accept that. I’ll hear from you that morning, I probably won’t come either. I’m sorry I’m being like this.”

I was spiralling at the time I sent it, but I know now that it might come across as intense or self-sabotaging. My brain immediately jumped to thinking she might leave me because of it.

She never said she was leaving, she stated her boundary, and let me know when we’d see each other next. But something about it triggered me.

So I felt relieved when I hit send, but now that it’s out there and I’ve calmed down, I feel so guilty. I’m trying to understand. Is this the sort of reaction BPD causes or am I just being a shitty person?

How do I manage the fear and anxiety around her boundaries without sending something like this? Also, how do I stop judging myself after sending texts like these?

Any insight or advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.

[u/False-Insurance500]

I understand... When someone puts boundaries to me... Its like hitting my heart with a hammer... Id rather they tell me they dont want to talk anymore than this half state between "life an death"... Its like they are telling me to hide my true self because they dont like it... Id rather not talk anymore with that person...

I dont have advice... I dont think I can improve and tbh i dont even want to... I will die alone and pathetic, but at least I didnt have to change myself so that someone likes me, that wouldnt have liked my previous self...

[u/Yellowcup508 → u/False-Insurance500]

<3 be true to yourself always

if you at any point decide to change yourself it should be for you and from the self not from others or for others

if you wish to change in any way do it from a place of you like you

not for others

[u/False-Insurance500 → u/Yellowcup508]

i totally agree. i hate when ppl say "dress nicer, go to the gym" or "improve yourself", etc when I say im lonely... I dont have the will to improve myself, but even if i had it, i wouldnt do so that others would like me...

[u/Yellowcup508 → u/False-Insurance500]

"self improvment" can indeed itself become toxic

self acceptance is much better

i mean look at me over here pile of mail on the floor ful on rot-maxxing

havent gone to a gym in over a decade have not gotten a haircut in... i think i have gotten 1 haircut since 2012... i just cutt knots out when they happen and walk around with a literal rats next on top of my head but i couldnt care less! =)

dress nicer? bahhhhh cloths are there to protect me from the elements or so that im not naked and i dont like to buy cloths people can just look at me and say hey sweatpants! wuts up?

on that not i kinda kinda of looking forward to sweatpants+hoodie weather for fall