to people with FPs who have partners

[u/Acceptable_You_544]

how do you do it? i just found out and i feel so betrayed and somewhat offended though i don’t know why. i have a REALLY bad problem with possessiveness. it ruins my relationships as the moment i find out you have a person that i realize you may favor more than me i automatically go into competition with them and it becomes a fight for attention and eventually i begin to attempt to isolate that person. i feel like i’m going insane, i just don’t get why she’d do this to me after i thought we were on the same page. now i think she hates me and that there must be something wrong with me why she’d choose someone else over me. in just a matter of minutes i feel as if my life has lost all its meaning i don’t even see the point in staying alive now what’s the point if she has someone else. this is always the case. there is ALWAYS someone else someone else always has to end up in the picture. i can never just have someone to myself and that isn’t a lot to ask for so i don’t know why this happens to me so much. what should i do and how do i cope with this? i don’t want to do anything bad again.

she was my everything in the sense where i did almost everything for her approval i was living solely for her and i had no issue with that because my life had gotten some form of meaning and it was to impress her and get her to like me as much as i like her..now what..

[u/aaqucnaona]

Oof. Honestly this is part of why I'm starting to learn that having an FP kinda inherently sucks. The way your brain just goes from "we're on the same page" to "she hates me and my life has no meaning" is terrifying. Please know you are not alone in this, and you are not going insane.

What you're describing - the possessiveness, the competition, the need to have someone "to yourself" - is something I've been working through a lot myself. One of the most helpful things my own therapist helped me understand is that this possessiveness isn't just simple jealousy. It's a survival instinct gone into overdrive.

It comes from two things. First, a "scarcity mindset" (the deep-down belief that love and attention are limited, finite resources, so if your FP gives some to someone else, there is literally less for you). And second, the fact that our FP isn't just a close social contact; they often become our "regulatory lifeline" (like, the one person whose presence is the only thing that makes the bad feelings of emptiness and anxiety stop).

When you put those two together, seeing your FP with someone else doesn't just feel like a rejection. It feels like a life-or-death threat. Your "animal brain" sees a rival not just for affection, but for your very survival, and it freaks the fuck out. So please, hear this: your reaction, as painful as it is, is a logical (though dysfunctional) response to a perceived catastrophic threat.

You asked what to do and how to cope. The long-term work is a whole journey, but for right now, just to survive this moment, the most important thing is to try and create a tiny bit of space between the catastrophic feeling and what might be the objective facts.

One thing that helps me is a drill my therapist calls the "Evidence Locker." It sounds clinical, but it's a first-aid tool. Can you, right now, open a note on your phone and force yourself to write down three to five recent, objectively true, positive interactions you have had with your FP? No interpretations, no feelings, just the raw data. Like "She texted me good morning on Tuesday” or “We laughed together about that show last night” or “She gave me a hug when we said goodbye."

The goal here is not to make the pain magically disappear. It won't. The goal is to present your panicked brain with hard, factual evidence that contradicts the catastrophic story it's screaming at you right now ("she hates me, my life is over"). It's all just to remind yourself that other possibilities might exist.

Once the immediate crisis feels a little less intense and you can breathe again, the bigger question becomes how to prevent this agonizing cycle from repeating. For a lot of us, the reason we latch onto an FP so hard is because we're dealing with a deep, painful feeling of emptiness or a really shaky sense of self. Our FP becomes the source of our meaning and identity (like you said so perfectly, "my life had gotten some form of meaning and it was to impress her").

The long-term work isn't just about learning to "control" the possessiveness; it's about learning to fill that emptiness yourself, so you don't need another person to be your entire reason for existing. That part is all about consciously and deliberately building a life that is truly yours, separate from your FP. It's all about finding other sources of joy, purpose, and validation that you can control. This means aggressively investing time and energy in your own hobbies, your own platonic friendships, your own goals.

This isn't a quick or easy path, but it leads to a place where you can love someone deeply without losing yourself in the process. You deserve that. And those that love you deserve that too - you having internal sources of personhood and purpose is what will attract healthy relationships into your life, and make them sustainable rather than the trash fires that FP dynamics tend to be.

[u/Acceptable_You_544 → u/aaqucnaona]

thank you so much for taking the time to comment, i’ve read everything you’ve said and you’ve helped me more than you probably can imagine. while i’m on medication i’m still unable to get therapy that drives me to get better and teaches me how to cope so i’m still having to deal with stuff myself. i rarely ever reach out for help but i don’t want to just ruin what we have because i really like her probably more than any other FP i’ve had so in a way i’m scaring myself because i don’t want to do anything bad for her sake. i’m still trying to calm down and i’m going to be sure to note down and try all you’ve said as you’ve really taught me a lot. thank you so much again and i hope you’re able to have a wonderful day/night!

[u/Yellowcup508]

im about to go get some pizza havent eaten yet today and it is 2 pm but..

how about this?

if you are not the FP then it means you might not need to be subject the the negative parts of being the FP as well which might actualy end up making the relationship more sustainable

ill reread full post later but gonna prioritize my own self care and eat first

stay healthy buddy

[u/havexactchange]

You found out your partner has an fp?

[u/Acceptable_You_544 → u/havexactchange]

other way around

[u/havexactchange → u/Acceptable_You_544]

You have an fp that isnt your partner? Im trying to understand why youre upset?

[u/Acceptable_You_544 → u/havexactchange]

i’m sorry if i wasn’t clear i’m upset because she has one

[u/EnthusiastPeruser]

For context, are you the same gender/orientation as your FP? I know a pwBPD who is an AFAB woman who has an FP who is also AFAB woman. Her FP is hetero, dates men, and she does everything she can to interfere (to the point of lying about infidelity and making other things up).

You might not be doing all that but are very aligned in many ways.

[u/Acceptable_You_544 → u/EnthusiastPeruser]

we’re the same gender yes! (afab) but different orientation though she doesn’t use labels. i also had a FP (afab) in the past who was hetero and rather than lying i would just always encourage her to leave her bf but i don’t want to do that this time around so i’m seeking out help

[u/EnthusiastPeruser → u/Acceptable_You_544]

Don’t sabotage their relationship or even encourage leaving unless it’s warranted (for non-selfish reasons). You wanting them all to yourself does not warrant it. The reason you didn’t know right away they have a partner is possibly somewhat related to your past behavior and them knowing how you feel toward them having feelings for someone else. They might not have been ready to deal w this cyclic behavior.

So her preference is for something that you are not. The fact that she is your friend and has made memories w you and will continue to do so and share parts of her life and time with you is a great gift. So long as she is happy w this person and they are not bad to her, be happy for her.

[u/Acceptable_You_544 → u/EnthusiastPeruser]

i never thought about the fact that that could’ve been the reason why she didn’t tell me, thank you. i’ll try to be happy for her regardless.

[u/EnthusiastPeruser → u/Acceptable_You_544]

Yes, try to be happy for her and I hope that goes well for you. Congratulations on working on yourself too. The long initial write-up and this latest reply shows some self-awareness and that there is an attempt to resolve your issues.

[u/Havinacow]

I think you should read back that part where you said you just want someone to yourself, and that isn't a lot to ask for....and REALLY think that through. It's not healthy for anyone to have only one friend, and humans need social interaction.....so yes, it IS a lot to ask for.

[u/Acceptable_You_544 → u/Havinacow]

okay thank you

[u/Ubetterneverknowme]

Have u ever explicitly asked her out and told her to be your partner ? If not you don’t have the right to complain if she gets someone else