Do you ever feel like poison?

[u/HistoricalInjury9754]

Do you ever feel like poison? Like everything you touch becomes infected with your “badness”? I feel that way whether it be relationship, friendship, or something that I get involved with. I feel like I destroy everything around me, almost like the universe is working against me no matter what I do. And I really don’t know what to do about it. I think I must’ve done something really bad in this life or a past life.

[u/havexactchange]

Yes! Im leaving my partner because of it. I go from committed to get the hell away from me because i split so often. Its devastating but idk what else to do other than to just be alone.

[u/HistoricalInjury9754 → u/havexactchange]

I relate to that. I’ve tried to leave my gf, but she’s much more resilient than me and reassures me that I’m not as bad as I perceive myself to be. But I feel like one day she’s gonna see it and leave me. I’m terrified of that day coming.

[u/havexactchange → u/HistoricalInjury9754]

The fear of abandonment is so real. Its driven me to make so many mistakes. You should do your best to believe her though so you dont self sabotage.

[u/HistoricalInjury9754 → u/havexactchange]

Trying my best, but I don’t trust easily…maybe not at all. It’s the most backwards way of living.

[u/Ugghernaut → u/HistoricalInjury9754]

She sees it, she's just hoping you'll change. She's hoping that pretending it's not that bad will help you get better. So actually get help and be better.

[u/MidwestMeadows00]

It’s actually kind of a defense mechanism. We fear abandonment so much that we push others away. If we abandon them first, they can’t abandon us.

[u/HistoricalInjury9754 → u/MidwestMeadows00]

Ya I’m guilty of this throughout the entirety of my life. I’m kinda reaching the point of being ok with being alone, but it may be more due to throwing in the towel, so to speak, from all of my past experiences. It sucks.

[u/MidwestMeadows00 → u/HistoricalInjury9754]

I think a lot of us struggle with the same thing, just wanting to give up and be alone because it’s easier than working through the disorder with friends or family or a significant other. Not only can we not regulate and control our emotions, but we feel intense shame that we can’t. I guess I don’t mean to say we. I just know that this is a common thing from reading here and my own experience.

This is also where that black and white thinking comes in. “ this relationship ended?” Or “I failed at this?” “Oh, I must be unworthy. It’s just easier to be alone forever.”

I can relate to that feeling really heavily, but I will say please don’t give up on having a social life if you crave one. It’s very possible to maintain relationships with the right tools and communication. In my opinion, it’s crucial that your close friends and family know about your disorder. I don’t expect people to tiptoe around my triggers or treat me any differently- but I do want them to know and expect that I can be really unpredictable and generally angry.

Also, I don’t know if this is a trait of BPD or just me, but it takes a lot of effort for me to actually connect and have a real friendship with someone. This makes it harder to make new friends and maintain friendships. Some people would call me “picky.” It’s hard but there is hope!

[u/Mean_Kaleidoscope448]

Often. I have moments where I see how I act and I ask myself why I’m like this. I have no friends, because I go ghost when I’m overwhelmed, which happens often. My husband assures me that I’m not as broken as I feel, but I’m still terrified that one day he will see me as I see myself and abandon me. Because I feel like too much, for myself, let alone anyone else. I see the way I split and wonder why I can’t just be normal. What did I do to deserve a life where I just want to die? What did I do to deserve feeling like a failure ? I don’t get it. I try my best. I try to be a good friend, mom, wife, but at the end of the day life is so overwhelming that I feel like such a failure all the time.

[u/After_Anteater]

Yep. I feel like I leave a path of destruction in everyone's lives

[u/idespisemyhondacrv]

I don’t even have BPD but j 1000% feel this. How do I get diagnosed lol

[u/Responsible-Round452 → u/idespisemyhondacrv]

Admit yourself

[u/idespisemyhondacrv → u/Responsible-Round452]

To a ward???? Absolutely not

[u/80sblackguy → u/idespisemyhondacrv]

Best way to do it :/

It's one of the most serious personality disorders someone can have, so it takes a lot to get a diagnosis

[u/idespisemyhondacrv → u/80sblackguy]

Fuuuuuck I cannot afford to do that lol, I guess I’ll just not get diagnosed

[u/Responsible-Round452 → u/idespisemyhondacrv]

I can't really speak to it because I'm in Oregon and the healthcare is totally different and fucked in general

[u/idespisemyhondacrv → u/Responsible-Round452]

I’m in Texas it’s probably worse here

[u/Responsible-Round452 → u/idespisemyhondacrv]

Probably

[u/jessnelson925]

Yes, I absolutely ruin every relationship I’ve ever been in

[u/OgatonWiffit]

I feel like this often. It doesn’t serve me but I think the distance between others I place serves them otherwise they’ll be poisoned

[u/Dave_BearChaser]

💯 I even asked my husband a few weeks ago if I’m toxic, because it feels like everything I do is just… bad? Even when the facts don’t support that, it’s embedded into me.

[u/goldenvodka]

yes i was crying about this today. other people have predictable responses to my unpredictable behavior. i dont mean to ruin things i dont..

[u/Maibeetlebug]

Yeah I try not to influence other people because of it

[u/Timely-Airport7247]

oh my god yes . i feel like i ruin everything

[u/AbbreviationsLive869]

Feeling this rn and my boyfriend is so fed up with me, I'm conaidering breaking up so I don't damage him even more

[u/KidxGohan]

I feel like poison almost the moment I stop being upset. I can be a heat seeking missile for the words that will hurt the most and I hate myself for it.