r/BPD • u/HistoricalInjury9754 • 18h ago

❓Question Post Do you ever feel like poison?

Do you ever feel like poison? Like everything you touch becomes infected with your “badness”? I feel that way whether it be relationship, friendship, or something that I get involved with. I feel like I destroy everything around me, almost like the universe is working against me no matter what I do. And I really don’t know what to do about it. I think I must’ve done something really bad in this life or a past life.

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u/MidwestMeadows00 17h ago

It’s actually kind of a defense mechanism. We fear abandonment so much that we push others away. If we abandon them first, they can’t abandon us.

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u/HistoricalInjury9754 16h ago

Ya I’m guilty of this throughout the entirety of my life. I’m kinda reaching the point of being ok with being alone, but it may be more due to throwing in the towel, so to speak, from all of my past experiences. It sucks.

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u/MidwestMeadows00 16h ago

I think a lot of us struggle with the same thing, just wanting to give up and be alone because it’s easier than working through the disorder with friends or family or a significant other. Not only can we not regulate and control our emotions, but we feel intense shame that we can’t. I guess I don’t mean to say we. I just know that this is a common thing from reading here and my own experience.

This is also where that black and white thinking comes in. “ this relationship ended?” Or “I failed at this?” “Oh, I must be unworthy. It’s just easier to be alone forever.”

I can relate to that feeling really heavily, but I will say please don’t give up on having a social life if you crave one. It’s very possible to maintain relationships with the right tools and communication. In my opinion, it’s crucial that your close friends and family know about your disorder. I don’t expect people to tiptoe around my triggers or treat me any differently- but I do want them to know and expect that I can be really unpredictable and generally angry.

Also, I don’t know if this is a trait of BPD or just me, but it takes a lot of effort for me to actually connect and have a real friendship with someone. This makes it harder to make new friends and maintain friendships. Some people would call me “picky.” It’s hard but there is hope!