BPD is RUINING my life

[u/Forsaken_Table898]

I already have extremely bad anxiety and low self esteem. I care WAY too much about people talking about me/making fun of me. If I leave the room, I secretly look to see if my coworkers or anyone I know is talking about me once I leave the room. If I see someone laughing with someone else I always think the worst and put scenarios in my head about what they are laughing about/talking about which I think is always about me whether or not it’s true. I don’t leave the room at work because I know once I do (in my head) that my co workers will immediately talk about me. If I find out somehow that someone IS making fun of me/laughing at me, it’s literally like I’m getting stabbed in the heart physically and emotionally. Right then and there I just want to die and be left alone so I can cry and hate on myself even more. There’s waaay more things I could say but there’s just too many to say in one post