r/BPD • u/la__petite__mort • 12h ago
💢Off My Chest/Journal Post I miss my FP
I've only ever had what I would consider an all-consuming, genuine FP a few times in my life. In almost all of those cases, they wound up being shitty people and it was something I was able to move past.
My last FP started pulling away from me in about April 2024 after nearly 2 years of all day every day contact. From April until November spoke on and off and we have been completely no contact since November. While he did really hurt me, he wasn't a bad/abusive/manipulative person the way my former FPs were and I'm having an incredibly hard time getting past it.
I understand his reasons for pulling away, and I know it was probably for the best for both of us, but I can easily say I've never been heartbroken for this long in my entire life (I'm turning 34 in October).
I went through many, many weird phases of moods and behaviours in the past nearly 1.5 years as I try to get past this, and it got to the point where I was so concerned by my own hehaviour and feelings that I finally started therapy at the beginning of this year.
Therapy has helped a lot, I've healed a lot and gotten a better handle on my behaviour and unhealthy coping strategies. I can now occasionally go a day or two without thinking about him, and there's even times where I'm now able to think about him without feeling my heart drop, so I know I'm healing but....
Sometimes it is just so rough. I still find myself crying over him. I still find myself searching for him in other people. I wonder about him constantly. I've tried every method imaginable healthy and unhealthy to fill the hole left in my life and my heart from him and nothing has worked.
I don't really know what the point of this post is aside from getting it off my chest to people who maybe understand, as I'm missing him extra tonight.
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