I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_18701

I followed and reported a drunk driver, then I got a ticket for driving past curfew

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

MOOD SPOILER: Ends positive

BoRU 1 **Posted by u/bestupdator

Original Post March 10, 2019

Last week I was driving home from my friend's house when I noticed someone driving very erratically. They were swerving when there was nothing to avoid and they couldn't stay in their lane so I called the police and followed them.

The police caught up to us after a while and they pulled over the driver. It turns out that he was extremely drunk and when they gave him the sobriety tests he failed them miserably. He was arrested and the police asked me to write a statement and give them my information.

I gave one of the cops my driver's license (I'm under 18) so he could copy my address and he said that I wasn't allowed to be driving because it was past 11. I told him that I would've been home by 11 but I noticed the drunk driver and I didn't want someone to get hurt so I followed them. Plus when I called them they asked me to keep following the man even though it was technically past curfew.

The officer said that it didn't matter even if me driving past curfew meant that World War 3 was prevented, that the law is the law and that he had to give me a ticket because I broke curfew. He said he would have to give me another ticket if I drove home myself so I called my parents and they came and picked me up (and drove the car I was driving home).

This feels so wrong, I did a good thing and I'm getting punished for it. Am I really going to have to pay this ticket or is there some way out? I'm thinking of calling the police station and asking them to reduce the fine but at this point I'm really anxious because I have to mail something back to the court in a few days otherwise I'll get arrested and I don't know what to do.

I'm in Pennsylvania if it matters.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Listen_PAY_ATTENTION

It's not up to the police to reduce the fine.

You have a court date. Show up and tell the judge what happened and let them decide your fate.

OOP

I don't have a court date yet. I have the ticket which says that I have to pay the fine or plead not guilty. So you're saying I should plead not guilty and go to court?

bcr2299

I would definitely plead not guilty and go to court.

Also see if you can get the 911 audio recording for your call since it has the request from the dispatcher that you keep following the drunk driver, so you can play it for the judge.

This long comment by u/LurkersWillLurk about the "Justification Defense" is worth the read

Basically what that is: The justification defense is a legal principle where an individual admits to committing a criminal act but argues that their actions were necessary and therefore justified under the circumstances. Instead of denying the act, they claim it wasn't wrong. This defense is rooted in the idea that in certain situations, a person's conduct, while technically a crime, is socially acceptable or even desirable because it prevents a greater harm. Common examples include self-defense, where a person uses force to protect themselves from an imminent threat, or the "necessity defense," where an individual breaks the law to avoid a more significant and unavoidable harm. If successful, the justification defense can lead to an acquittal, as the court deems the defendant's actions to be non-criminal.

Update Apr 28, 2019 (7 weeks later)

I took the advice that I was given and I pled not guilty. Last week I went to court, and here's what happened:

​

I brought copies of my cell phone's call log (showing that I called 911 before curfew) as well as the same records from my carrier. I also got a copy of the drunk driver's criminal complaint with the help of the court clerk, and I printed out a copy of the "justification" law.

The hearing started with the officer saying that I was pulled over on the side of the road, that he "went to investigate" why I was there, and that I voluntarily confessed to driving past curfew. He said that that was all he needed to prove in order to prove my guilt and basically left it at that.

Then it was my turn to speak. I said that while I did drive past curfew, it was because I had noticed an erratic driver and I was following him because I thought he was going to hurt someone. I felt that if I had let the man go, that he would kill somebody and that 911 had told me to keep following him. I gave my evidence to the judge and to the police officer, and I said that I would have been home on time if not for the drunk driver. I argued that I had a reasonable belief that the man was very drunk and that the police are accusing the driver of having a .12 BAC. (The judge asked the officer about the driver and he confirmed the BAC.)

Finally, I brought up the justification defense. I argued that driving past curfew was a summary offense and that drunk driving was at minimum a misdemeanor and at worst a 1st degree felony if he killed someone. I said that the law clearly provided a defense to my conduct because drunk driving was clearly the greater of the two evils and because I drove in an otherwise safe manner.

The judge agreed and found me not guilty! He said that I had proven my defense by a preponderance of the evidence and that I had done the right thing. I'm going to get my collateral back in the mail in a few days and my record is clean!

​

TL;DR: Went to court. Police officer basically said "the law is the law." I presented my defense that I was preventing a greater harm under the justification law. Judge agreed; I was found not guilty!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is stalewafflefry. She posted in r/AITAH

Thanks to u/anicole325 for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Post. Latest update is 7 days old. This is still ongoing.

Mood Spoiler: very strange and frustrating for OOP

Original Post: August 29, 2025

I (30f) recently got married and had a baby. My sister (24) does not like my husband and will not tell me why. When I first brought him home to introduce everyone, she was a bit standoffish but in general she doesn't really like people, very few friends, never brings anyone home to meet the family and has never wanted to spend time with anyone I brought home. Before my husband and I got married, I asked her if she had any issues with him, she said no and and that he seemed nice. I asked her to be my maid of honor and thought all was well.

Fast forward to last week, my husband goes to drop off something at the family home (sister lives with my parents) and came back looking shaken. I asked him what happened and he said he knocked and went into the kitchen and my sister told him my parents weren't home. He said he tried to give her the stuff I had asked him to drop off and she told him to put it in the garage (it was food), even though they were in the kitchen. He said as he was picking the stuff back up to go he tried making small talk, commenting about the weather and she snapped at him, saying don't $&@#ing talk to her and stormed out of the room.

My husband has never given me reason to worry about him being inappropriate or anything but that was where my mind first went. We live near them and he had been gone for less than 5 minutes. I called my sister to ask what happened and she hung up on me, messaged her and she ignored me until this morning when I bombarded her phone with messages because I wanted to resolve whatever was going on. She finally replied and basically said she hates him, has always hated him and her only boundary is that he never talks to her. In the 7 years we have been together, they've spoken maybe 5 times and that was mostly him greeting her .

I asked her why and she said she doesn't need a reason, she just doesn't like him and doesn't want him around. I asked her point blank if he had done or said something to make her feel like that and she said he didn't do anything and that she doesn't need a reason to feel how she does.

Now my family is very close, my other sibling (brother 29) and I sometimes dropped by unannounced to help my mom cook dinner or just hang out, my parents encourage this as they say they like having us around. I told her it's going to be weird if he can't even just greet her when we come over. She said she was sick of me having a stranger in her home . I told her I didn't realize she felt that way about him and said I wouldn't ask him to drop stuff without me being around anymore. (Mind you she's had 7 years to get to know him and I didn't realize she still considered him a stranger).

She then said that that was not the point, that she didn't want him talking to her at all and that was the boundary she wanted respected. I told her that I would tell him and try to keep them apart but that would mean her time with my son, her nephew (6 months) would be affected because my husband will not be comfortable with our son being around someone who hates him (frankly I'm now uncomfortable with it too because I don't know what ideas she will try to put in his head). It's also going to affect my parents time with him because if my husband can't bring him around it's going to affect the amount of times he goes over there, I didn't tell her but that hurts my heart because they absolutely adore my son, he's their first and only grandchild so far and they love spending time with him, always telling us to bring him over.

She said I was playing the victim, painting her as a *itch and trying to trample the only boundary that she has set for herself. I'm currently thoroughly lost and trying to figure out the best way forward. AITAH here (and is there any way I can fix this situation).

Edit I never expected so many replies in such a short time, but I appreciate the responses. To clarify a few things and answer some questions:

1. I've mentioned it to my parents and they're aware of what happened, my mom said she'll sit my sister down for a conversation but from what I hear my sister keeps making reasons to avoid it (busy, tired, wanting more time etc). My dad says not to worry about it and it will blow over, my dad had a heart attack recently and is currently recovering so I don't want to push it with them right now and stress him out so I left it at that with him and changed the subject.
2. My partner is amazing and has never given me reason to worry about him being around any females, I admit I was worried he had done something when he told me how she responded because I can't wrap my brain around why she would blow up over just small talk but she herself said he didn't do anything.
3. I know my brother has had partners but he hasn't brought any home, I myself didn't bring anyone home until I was serious about them and thought there might be a future (brought home a grand total of 2 guys, current partner and my ex from college).
4. Regarding her mental health, she has always had a bad temper, has snapped at me many times with no apology even when she realized later she was wrong (e.g accused me of taking her shoes which she had actually just left in the vehicle). There has never been anything on this level before.

Top Comments:

Sufficient_Ad_6051: This is very weird. You should speak with your mom and other brother, see if sister has disclosed reasoning, or if she has otherwise been paranoid. 

Ok_Introduction9466: It reads like jealousy to me tbh. Maybe she feels he’s taking her away from the family but if he’s done nothing to her and she won’t give a reason if I were op I’d go low or no contact with the sister. Family events, baby showers, parties, etc everyone would be invited except for her. You don’t want to talk to my husband and we can’t resolve this? Fine lol you’re on your own. I don’t entertain childishness like this.

henkydinkrae: Can someone make a bot for what a boundary really is. She can make a boundary that she doesn’t have to talk to him or that she will leave when he comes over. But not that he can’t talk to her. And since it’s not her house I don’t think she can make a boundary that he can’t come over either. A boundary is an action you take, not an action you impose on others.

For example, a “healthy” expression of a boundary (healthy in quotes because she needs help) is “if he comes over I will go to my room.” “If he talks to me I will leave and go for a walk.”

vinegargirl757: Thank you. This isn't a boundary but a control tactic. Shes trying to undermine OP's relationship and cast aspersions.
Unless there's something OP isn't telling us, NTA. Sister is behaving really weirdly and comes across as bitter and divisive.

Update Comment 1: 5 hours later

UPDATE : I'm blown away by the number of responses, I'm trying to read them all but replying to all is a bit difficult due to the volume (I appreciate all the responses though, it gives me perspective).

To clarify, the only reason I consider my husband might have done something is because I'm in healthcare in an environment where all sides of all stories have to be looked at. My first instinct was that she was being out of line for no reason but I always try to look at both sides and was trying to figure out why she said what she did. Both he and her said that he didn't do anything and I'm going with that.

Growing up my brother was the Golden child - dad only wanted a son and kept talking about his son and his legacy (my dad has evolved over the years, he doesn't do that anymore and makes all his children a priority now, my dad when I was 10 is a different man to the one I have now). And my sister was my mom's favorite, she would always say that to us (I never wanted to be the calm princess my mom wanted, I wanted to make my dad happy and be as boy like as possible and refused to wear the dresses etc she wanted me to--that relationship has also evolved, my mom and I are on much better terms now than when I was a kid). I was the oddball and my siblings and I weren't really close until everyone was past 14 or 15, then we started finding shared interests etc.

My husband was beyond happy to marry into my family, my parents treat him like their own son and he has said many times they feel more like family than his own family, he has 3 brothers but he's the youngest by 10 years and felt left out a lot. He once told me he was excited to have a sister in law as he has none of his own and isn't close with his brothers so this whole thing has him down and I feel horrible for even considering he had done anything inappropriate when I knew deep down he hadn't, I was just trying to figure out what was going on.

My sister told my dad she will sit down with us to talk about it this afternoon when I get off work so waiting to hear what she says in his presence, will update again after we talk.

Update Comment 2: 8 hours later

Update 2 : Spoke with my dad and sister a couple hours ago. Basically my dad asked both of us what happened, I gave my side and she gave her side. My dad asked her if she was sure she had no reason to do that.

She said she had a reason but she didn't want to say. My dad said well that's that we won't force anyone to share anything....she then says ok she'll tell us why. She said when she first met my husband he asked her about a guy. Let's call him Mr L.

She said he asked her how Mr L was doing, then she turns to me and goes, "yeah, I know you read my diary. The guy I had a crush on and wrote all my private thoughts about, the first day your husband met me he asked me and that told me everything I needed to know about him."

I'm still flabbergasted that she would say that because first of all, I didn't know she had a diary and even if I did know I would never have read it. I had a journal once and my cousin read it , teased me mercilessly, I would never wish that upon someone else.

I was surprised at first then I got pissed because I realized she was making stuff up at that point. She met my husband 6 years ago ( we had been dating a year before I introduced him to the family). 2 years ago my sister went abroad for a year (college related). A friend of mine who started school late and was in the same program as her was on the same trip. I recognized the name as the "hot" professor my friend came back gushing about.

I asked my sister if that was the professor that worked at the university and she went, "yes, you see, is that your confession?" I asked her how my husband asked her 6 years ago about someone she only met 2 years ago.

She stopped talking for a good minute, like her brain was buffering then she snapped at me that I just didn't understand how hard it was for her to keep having a stranger in her home and stormed off.

My son is going to grow up without getting to know the only aunty that he has but I cannot fix a situation that she is making up. Growing up I was not an awesome sibling, there were petty arguments, stupid fights over stuff like the TV remote, what to have for dinner etc but I thought we had a better relationship the last few years, we were sending each other memes, cracking jokes, took a few trips together, dinners, lunches, she was my maid of honor at my wedding and visited me in the hospital every day I was there (emergency c section with complications, I was there for a week) and checked on me every day post partum for the first couple months.

I'm still hoping this can somehow be fixed but if she's making up lies and unwilling to communicate I don't see what I can do.

Edit : I asked my husband about it, he doesn't remember asking her anything about any guy. He doesn't recognize that name at all.

My husband and sister never dated since so many people are asking. Yes I know for a fact, the areas he went to school and work are far from where we are and the way we were raised we didn't go out much.

Yes my husband is a different race from us but I would like to think my sister isn't racist. We are Asian, he's black.

Edit (Same Comment, next day)

Edit to add: I see a lot of people calling her racist and to add to an already long post. I didn't think it was that because my ex was Asian and she didn't seem to like him but we were only together 6 more months after I introduced him to the family so they didn't interact any more, my family at its core is Asian (starting with my grandparents) but over the years there has been a lot of mixing, a lot of mixed cousins etc and she gets along with my cousin (half black half Asian )and his wife who is black.

Regarding the mental health, I've brought up her anger issues in the past and she doesn't want to try any type of therapy or evaluation. She's a grown woman and as long as she isn't a direct threat to herself or exhibiting violence to others it is completely her choice .

Some people are mad that I used the word female.... odd thing to be mad about, I use the words male and female on a regular basis, never known it to be an issue.

Update Comment 3: September 2, 2025 (5 days from OG post)

Small update : To everyone saying she needs therapy etc, I have suggested it to her in the past because she has some anger issues but she always says no and you cannot force someone to go to therapy, it has to be their own choice.
I spoke to my dad again this morning , he said he tried talking to her again but she's avoiding the topic. I told him don't worry about it and that he and my mom are welcome at my place but I wouldn't be coming around as often to a place where I have safety concerns for my son and husband. Dad said he understands. My mom is a bit pissed about the whole situation (mostly about what my sister did) and backs my stance. My mom told me she asked her how she would feel it someone was treating my brother the same way she was treating my husband and and she threw a fit saying my mom was seriously trying to guilt her. (Which I take to mean she knows she was out of line because why would you feel guilty if you hadn't done anything wrong.)

For those saying I need to tell my parents kick her out. That is not an option. She just finished college and is looking for a job. She can't afford to move out even if she wanted to. We might be at odds now but keep in mind this is my only sister, we were not the closest but usually were there for each other in the past. Mad as I might be at her , I don't want to see her homeless.

To the people mad about the whole race thing, I have 27 aunts and uncles (yes my grandparents were busy), my family is well and truly mixed, there's black, white, Hispanic, more Asian, Filipino...if you can think of the race, it's probably mixed into my family, that's why I said I didn't think it was because of his race, she seems to hate most equally.

She and my brother don't always get along but she's being extra nice to him. He told me she told him that he's the only one on her side and everyone is against her. However, he has made it clear that he is not taking sides, he is not going to change how he interacts with anyone and is speaking to both of us. That's completely fine by me, he's her brother and isolation probably won't help her in any way.

OOP's Comment:

Commenter: Just heard your story on youtube with fake updates, that your parents are taking her side and you are going there without your husband because they pressure you. Just in case it goes anywhere near this: don't. Stand by your husband. You do not need toxic family members. She is your only sister but many people live their lives without ever having a sister. Your nuclear family is your husband and child now. To follow your though process: You only have one husband. And by the way she's probably into your husband.

OOP: That's hilarious, can you send me the link or the channel name so I can take a look ? The actual situation is not near that, my parents are trying to avoid taking sides but both agree she's not making any sense and have acknowledged she has anger issues but without her being willing to go to therapy they can't force her . We will be staying far away from her but all other family is welcome at my place .

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/CounterNecessary2597

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH For not planning anything for father’s day after my husband ruined my first mother’s day

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for more space in this latest BoRU

Mood Spoilers: unexpectedly positive

RECAP

Original Post: June 16, 2025

I'm 98.7% sure that I am not the AH here, but I'm wrong I'm willing to admit it and learn from my mistakes.

Our little boy will be one late this summer, so this was the first mothers day and fathers day for both me and my husband. My husband asked what I wanted for mothers day. I didn't want/need anything big or expensive. What I asked for is:

• For husband to get up with the little guy and get him fed while I pumped and chilled
• Breakfast in bed - just toast, scrambled eggs and coffee
• For us to take the little guy to the zoo for the first time. This was the main thing I was looking forward to.
• Go to my fav taco place for dinner

Between morning and afternoon naps we have about 4 hours of awake time. The zoo is abt 30 min away so I had figured if we left as soon as he got up from his nap and ate, we'd have a couple hours at the zoo and worst case he could sleep in the car on the way home.

We took my mom and my MIL out to brunch the prior weekend to celebrate them- his mom on Saturday and my mom on Sunday. I also got them each a thoughful little present and flowers to celebrate their first mothers day as grandparents. I arranged everything and told my mom and MIL that we'd be celebrating on the actual day with just our little family and sent them a group chat (which included husband, my dad and FIL) just to make sure everyone is on the same page. My MIL is very pushy and overbearing so I didn't want there to be any surprises or confusion.

The Saturday before Mother's Day, FIL sent my husband a text with a picture of all the mulch he just had delivered and said something like "gonna be a busy weekend!" or something like that. Apparently he had 300 bags of mulch (they have a big yard with lots of flower beds). That night my MIL called my husband and asked him to come over first thing in the morning to help his dad move the bags of mulch to where they were going to be used. She said since we weren't going to the zoo until after little guy's nap, that husband could go over and help for a couple hours and then come pick us up to go to the zoo. I was obviously not happy but she guilted him and said FIL was going to end up hurting himself if he moved all that by himself and that its not a big deal and should only take an hour or two. I told him his mom was doing this to try and get us to skip our plans and spend the day with them but he kept saying it's not a big deal, saying his mom promised it would only take a couple hours, etc etc.

I think most people know what happened - husband went over first thing, which means no breakfast in bed and I had to get up to feed the little guy. I was kinda pissed, but whatever. Spent time with the little guy then when he went down for his morning nap I texted my husband to let him know he should start wrapping things up. Then when little guy woke up 2hrs later I called husband to tell him I'd be ready to go as soon as I finished feeding the little guy. He told me it was taking longer than he expected but that he'd hurry. Like an hour and a half later husband called and said they weren't done but he was getting ready to come home. It's 15-20 minute drive from MIL/FILs house. At that point we'd missed the window to make it to zoo so I told him to just stay there and finish and not worry about Mothers Day since he hadn't done a single thing I asked for. I don't think there wasy any doubt in his mind how pissed I was. A little later his mom called and said since we decided not to go to the zoo, that me and little guy should go hang out with her while "the boys" finished with the mulch. I admit that I was pretty pissy and told her I had no interest in spending time with the people who decided to ruin my first mothers day. I ended up staying home and ordering a pizza and binging Netflix.

When husband got home he was all apologetic and asked how he could make it up. I was still pissed and told him he could make it up by not ruining my first mothers day. I also told him he should plan on spending Fathers Day with his mom and dad bc me and the little guy were going to go celebrate Fathers Day with my mom and dad.

Since Mother’s Day MIL has been texting and calling but I've been keeping conversations short and just giving very bland generic responses.

My husband has been apologizing and asking what he can do but honestly I don't want to bother. I know it's just a day and we can celebrate any time, like we did with my mom & MIL. But it was my first ever Mothers day. And it's not like I asked for anything expensive or difficult. The only difficult thing is he's incapable of setting boundaries with his mom. And she's incapable of considering anyones feelings but her own.

This past Saturday he asked if I was still going to my parents then said he'd like to go with us. I told him he could do whatever he wanted but since I hadn't done anything for his dad he might want to go see him or something. We did both end up going to my parents and spending the day with them. It was actually a nice day. My dad insisted on grilling because of course he did but the weather ended up being nice and we spent a lot of time hanging out on their deck playing with the little guy.

I'm not sure what if anything my husband did for his dad. I know he was getting a lot of texts during the day, I assume from his mom. She did send me a snippy text saying it was hurful to spend the day with my family at the expense of husbands but I told her she got to spend Mothers day with her baby boy so it's only fair that I spend Fathers day with my family.

I know my husband was hurt that we didn't acknowledge him for Fathers Day but I told him while we were driving to my parents house that I'm just matching his energy. I admit that I haven't done anything to de-escalate the drama but I'm still just so hurt he continues to prioritize his mom's feeling over our little family. This isn't the first time his mom has done crap like this and I'm just so tired of it. She always oversteps and insists on doing what SHE wants. I'm doing better at keeping her at arms length and holding my own boundaries but my husband is absolutely incapable of it.

EDITED to fix a typo

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Update #1: June 23, 2025 (six days later)

I posted here last week, you can find it in my profile if you want the backstory. I wanted to thank everyone. I've had a lot of people asking for an update, so here we go.

This weekend the husband and I sat down and talked about everything. I expressed to him how incrediably upset and disappointed I was at how both Mother's Day and Father's Day went down. I really wanted to recognize and celebrate my husband for FD everybit as much as I hoped he would recognize and celebrate me for MD. He said he knew he shouldn't have gone to his parents on MD but didn't know what to do since his mom was pressuring him and saying if his dad got hurt it would be husbands fault. He admitted that he knew he messed up and has been terrified that I was going to ask for a divorce.

Since he cut to the chase, I told him that if this is how our life is going to be, I don't want to stay married to him. I explained to him that I realized that while yes, I was upset about what happened on Mother's Day, that isn't what is making me feel this way. That was just the straw the broke the camels back. This kind of behavior from his mom has been happening since we before got engaged and has just escalated. This has been happening for YEARS. As someone here suggested, I had listed all the times/events (that I could remember) that she had overstepped or just completely ruined. For our freaking honeymoon, she called him TWICE A DAY. Every monrning to find out our plans for the day and then every evening to hear how the day went. Plus the constant texting, asking for pictures, telling him how much she missed him. I don't know how I thought this was acceptable. She tried to make our wedding about herself, tried to make my pregnancy about herself, tried to take over when we brought our son home, just constantly inserting herself and overstepping.

I told him that I don't really want to get divorced right now, but it's going to happen anyway, I'd rather get divorced now while we can still do it amicably. Because if nothing changes I'm going to end up so angry and resentful that it would make divorce very contentious and I don't want that for our son. At this point we were both crying, upset and emotional. So I told him that I'll give him some time to decide what he's going to do but if I don't see clear effort being made to start prioritize me and our son that I'd move forward with the divorce. And the change has to continue. Everytime we've fought about this in the past, he's promised he'll change and sometimes he has, but then his mom pulls him back into her orbit.

If we are to stay married - these are some of the things I'm insisting on in no particular order:

• We each own the relationship with our own parents. That means I'm not planning anything for his parents anymore. No cards, no presents, no burnches or parties, no pictures, nothing. If his parents reach out to me I'm going to redirect them to him.

• I'm not entertaining or visiting with his parents when he's not around. I'm not taking our son over to theirs by myself. And if they "drop by" I'm not inviting them in unless my husband is there.

• I'm not changing my plans at the last minute just because they decided to drop by without coordinating with us in advance or because they want us to do something with them.

• Neither of us makes plans with our parents or accepts invitations until we discuss with our partner. And if we don't both agree the we don't do it. And we don't throw each other under the bus, we just say something like "we checked our schedule and we're not available".

• Holiday's like Christmas, Halloween, Easter, etc are at our house. We can discuss inviting our parents but we're not going to someone else house to celebrate something involving our son when we can do it at home. This includes his 1st bday which MIL is trying to take over and plan.

• Other holidays we're alternate between our parents. And we will focus on being present. That means no more texting/talking to his mom non-stop when we're with my parents.

• No more oversharing with MIL. She doesn't need to know about our finances or health/medical issues or vacation plans or anything unless we both agree its something we want to share.

• His visits to his parents can't be at the expense of spending quality time with me and our son. I don't mind him visiting his parents, but he's over there a couple times a week. We are his immediate family now, we should get priority.

• We're not doing things just because she said we should. And we're not changing our plans just because she doesn't like them. She really doesn't understand that "Wrong" and "Different" are not the same thing. In her mind, if we're not doing what she wants, HOW she wants, then we are in the wrong.

• He needs to go to therapy with someone specializing in enmeshment. And we need to start going to couples therapy. I didn't even realize I have so much pent-up resentment that I can't look at my husband the same anymore. I'm just angry at him all the time and I hate being this way.

• When it comes to our son, our word (husband and me) is law. If she disregards or minimizes our decisions for our son, then she loses access until she learns to behave.

• When me or my husband say "No" to either set of parents, the other person will support them and back them up. That means my husband has to stop trying to get me to agree with his mom all the time.

I can tell he's freaked out and really stressed about the idea of putting hard boundaries in place or distancing from his parents. And I do feel for him. He said he feels like he's caught between a rock and a hard place and that me and his mom are both putting a ton of pressure on him and both have conflicting expectations. And that's fine. He just needs to understand that I'm not tolerating this anymore. I know this will cause an absolute shit storm with his parents but I feel like if we don't do it now, it'll just be harder down the road.

What does everyone think? Am I being unreasonable? Are there other boundaries we should put in place?

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: September 2, 2025 (2.5 months later)

UPDATE 2: AITAH For not planning anything for fathers day after my husband ruined my first mothers day

I've had a lot of folks asking for an update, so here goes! First off, thank you all to everyone who commented on my earlier posts, good and bad, it has been so helpful.

Couple things I want to mention first. A lot of commenters have been saying that I knew what I was getting into when I married DH so this whole thing is as much my fault as anyone elses and if I didn't want a mama's boy, I shouldn't have married one. Yep, you are 100% correct. I ignored all the red flags, constantly told myself it would get better once we were engaged, then once we were married, then once we got pregnant, then once we had kids. And I think part of the issue is she's gotten worse over the years. It feels like one of those frog-in-a-pot-of-boiling-water situations. I don't deny I put myself into this situation but the fact is we're here now so we need to get it figured out. A lot of other commentors said my "list of rules" was crazy and I'm just as bad as his mom. Maybe I am (more on that later), but I don't think there is anything about my boundaries that is unreasonable and there is nothing there that I expect from him and his parents that I don't also expect from myself and my parents. I've said repeatedly, they all boil down to the same basic thing: showing each other respect and consideration. I'm not saying he can't see his parent or that they can't come visit or anything like that. I'm saying that his parents don't get to have priority over us and our little family, and neither do my parents.

First the good. My husband ended up surprising me with a trip out of town. He took me and LO down to San Antonio for a long weekend. We had been pre-kid and really enjoyed staying on the riverwalk and doing all the touristy stuff even though we only live a few hours away. DH ended up really stressed and kept apologizing because obviously this trip was much different. It felt more like a military expedition with all the gear we took for LO and it wasn't nearly as romantic since we had a pack-and-play next to the bed. But I kept reminding him that what was important (to me at least) was that he took the initiative to plan something on his own and try to make up for Mother's Day. Even though it wasn't exactly what hubs was hoping for, I had a really really good time and enjoyed spending time with my two guys and I expressed that to him. And to his credit, DH didn't answer when his mom called or spend all day texting her. I know he paid for it when we got back because I heard them on the phone and it sounded like she was reading him the riot act for not telling them we were going, not inviting them along, and not answering when she called. I'm going to do something for him as a belated fathers day and we're going to try to build different, better memories of our first MD/FD, even if it's after the fact.

More good stuff, DH and I both have individual therapists we've been seeing weekly for the past several weeks as well as a couples therapist we have been seeing weekly together. And I'm going back to work full time next week so LO has been going to daycare part time to help him acclimate. The first day was pretty traumatic, more for me than for LO! But, he's been adjusting well and seems happy when I pick him up after lunch (this is a huge point of contention with MIL b/c she wants to baby sit but I've said absolutely not because she won't respect any of our rules or boundaries). I've also been following through on my list of boundaries on my last post. I'm not NC, but I guess the term is I've dropped the rope.

Now the bad. For LOs first birthday I was planning something small and casual at our house. Just our parents, and a few close friends. Like, 10-15 people max, counting me and DH. I was going to make a smash cake for LO and more grownup type food/snacks/desert for us and guests. I was planning some low key decorations because lets be honest, this kind of party is for the adults. Kiddo isn't going to remember any of it so I didn't want to go overboard. MIL hated everything about it and wanted to do it at her house, invite all her friends and relatives, serve more kid-centric food, get a store bought cake with all that super sweet icing, and go nuts with decorations. I told her 'no, absolutely not. Our kid, our house, our plans'. She went crying to DH and he tried to talk me into letting her have her way. This has been a constant theme. MIL oversteps, I complain, DH puts up boundaries, and then just as quickly DH forgets about the boundaries.

We were able to talk about this in one of our early couples sessions and it was pretty enlightening. I'm sure all the people saying DH just ended up marrying some just like his mom will be gratified to know our counselor said "OP can have a forceful personality". So yea, I'm bossy/pushy/opinionated/etc. How it came up is we were talking about the party and I was saying what I wanted to do and why I didn't want to let my MIL take over, etc and DH was trying to explain why we should accommodate MIL. The therapist interrupted us and ask DH what HE wanted to do. DH started talking about my plan vs his mom's plan and the therapist stopped him and asked again what HE wants. Based on his reaction, I don't think anyone has ever seriously asked him that. He had a complete deer in headlights look and I really though he was going to bolt or start crying or both.

How we ended it is, if he truly doesn't have an opinion or doesn't care then he should probably defer to my (his wife) approach. He shouldn't delegate his right to decide to his mom. If he really want to do it her way, then he needs to express that and say he wants to do it her way because he really wants to do it her way as opposed to doing it her way just to avoid upsetting her. Or if he wants something completely different, he needs to express that. But his mom's opinion is not and cannot take precedence. Nothing wrong with her expressing her opinion and him agreeing but that needs to be an active process as opposed to him just doing something because she said so.

That was followed up by a conversation about how I have strong thoughts and opinions and I need to give him room to have his own. So rather than saying: "I want to do x" and then expecting him to agree or disagree I need to say something like "For LOs birthday, I have some ideas but I'd like to hear what you think first so we can decide together".

We did end up doing the party the way I wanted because DH took the therapists advice and deferred to me since he didn't have an opinion. MIL was super pissy about the whole thing and ended up bringing a sheet cake despite me telling her multiple times not too. We didn't serve it during the party (because boundaries) which pissed her off. DH and I have been munching on it as a late night snack after putting LO to bed and because of how insanely sweet the icing is, I'm glad I stuck to my guns.

I feel better because I've put distance between myself and MIL and I'm not worrying about pissing her off so I'm not walking on egg shells any more. But I don't know if I'm any more confident about whether our marriage will survive. I'm realizing that DH has deferred to other people (MIL and me) for so long he has a hard time having his own thoughts and opinions. I do still love him very much, and I'm not as mad as I was when I first posted. Now I'm more sad for him and I'm starting to understand him better. But I don't know if he can change. I know she is complaining to him because I haven't been kowtowing to her and I haven't been visiting on my own or changing plans when they drop by unexpectedly but I'm not pushing him to establish his own boundaries yet. I think he needs to do more work so he can decide what HE wants out of all this.

All that to say, we're still working through it and I don't know what's going to happen.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: It sounds like he has some wonderful growth opportunities ahead. With you supporting his forays into the world of opinions, and with MIL held a safe distance away, I have hope that he can find out what he wants.

Commenter 2: Progress not perfection. Glad to see you guys headed in a positive direction. Hope it continues getting better.

Commenter 3:

DH started talking about my plan vs his mom's plan and the therapist stopped him and asked again what HE wants.

He doesn't have an opinion because his mom has steamrolled him on everyone all his life. That's why he defaults to siding with his mom, she's his decision making faculty. Glad your therapist shown a light on this.

he still needs a lot of therapy to cut that cord. But it looks like you're on the right track with this therapist. Good luck.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawaycrazymom10

My mother (52f) cheated and left me (27m) and our family to work in the adult industry and now wants to come back and "be my mom again"

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 Posted by u/Screaming-Harpy

BoRU 2

TRIGGER WARNING: Child abandonment, neglect, deadbeat mom, harassment, job loss, use if the R slur

Original Post June 7, 2021

Posting here because my therapist said it would be nice to get it off my chest.Please pardon me for the wall of text. And no I won't share any info or links so if any creep even suggests it you will get blocked.

To give some context: My dad(67M) used to travel a lot to work and stay weeks away so he and my mother had an agreement where they had an open marriage (don't know the details but she was the only one that slept with other people), this happened to most of my childhood as I can remember her leaving at night to go to clubs and parties, sometimes taking days to come back and neglecting me and my brother (I learned how to get groceries and cook when I was 8 so me and my brother would not starve).

When I was around 13, my parents started fighting since apparently she had broken the deal in some way, my dad found out about the neglect, and she started going into the adult industry. They separated and for years I had no contact with my mother, I sent her texts and emails, some that even popped up as she had seen it, but she never replied so one day I just gave up trying to contact her. I managed to stay in contact with some people from her side of the family but a lot of them began hating on us, saying that we were too harsh on her, that we never supported her, that she did well leaving us, and gradually I also cut contact with them as well.

She started working in the adult industry and got pretty famous in my country, got a lot of money and I stopped using any NSFW websites as she was on the top pages of all of them, I gladly suffered zero to no bullying in high school because of it as there were no ways of connecting her to me and most of my friends that knew my mother didn't know it was her (she had dyed her hair, done a few surgeries and stuff).

Well, I moved on with my life, joined the army and I'm pretty well now, however,, a year ago, out of nowhere she found me on social media and began to message me, asking how I was, commenting on how much I had grown up and trying to do some small talk. I just replied with one words and even stopped replying once my nerve got the best of me. Apparently, she has retired, and after feeling an "overwhelming remorse throughout her entire life" decided to contact us again, my brother was also careful but essentially accepted her back(he was always close to her), my father is cordial with her but only that. She has also asked her entire part of the family for help as I began being bombarded with messages and calls, from both those that criticized and supported me and my dad, I made it clear that I do not want anything with her but they just keep on it, saying that she is remorseful, that she did a mistake but wants to make it right, that she has come back for us, etc.

More recently she somehow found out where I live and I been receiving random gifts at my doorstep with messages that we're clearly hers, things like a basket of chocolate that I liked when I was little, expensive clothes(she got my size wrong on all of them lol), flowers when my cat passed away, and even a very expensive hiking kit. I messaged her a few times to say that I don't want any of that but she just pretends she doesn't know what I'm talking about or just says she thought of me at that moment. I made it clear time and time again that I don't want anything to do with her but she still persists, saying that "she can be my mom again now" and stuff like that. I don'tt know what else to say so advises are more than welcome.

TLDR: Mother cheated and decided to abandon the family to work in the adult industry, now she is trying to approach me again with gifts and messages but I don't want any relationship with her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS**

PixieOnAcid

You are under no obligation to allow her back into your life. Block her again, and her family, and dump all of the gifts she gives you. Stop entertaining her attention. If she still will not stop, I'd honestly recommend going the legal route. Get a cease and desist letter sent out to her and her family, and if that doesn't stop it, go to the police to get her harassment on file so it'll be easier to file a police report/restraining order in the future.

OOP

I have donated or sent back all of the gifts already, unfortunately, cease and desist letters are not a thing in my country but I'm really thinking about filing a police report for harassment just don't know if they will accept since she never did it personally.

~

letskeepthiscivil12

It sounds like shes regretting what shes done and wants it back the way it was. But you shouldn't let this happen. Will just happen over and over again

OOP

She has indeed voiced that she regrets what she has done and I don't think it would happen again but she should know things would not get back the way it was, and honestly, if she thought it would she is even crazier because things were really bad before.

Update 1 June 18, 2021 (11 days later)

First I would like to thank everyone that commented giving me some comfort, advice, or letting me unwind on their dms, you all helped me a lot. I'm still trying to answer all of the comments and messages but with work and family craziness reaching new heights that might take some time but know that your words are very appreciated and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Well to start the update; I decided to have the moral high ground and take a more polite approach, I know many of you wanted me to just send her to hell on a message or letter but I thought this way would disarm much of her comebacks and maybe even make some of her family members shut up.

I called her and asked her to meet me in a small cafe (no way I was meeting her in private), she got there and it looked like she had won the lottery, she had a smile from ear to ear and was almost jumping up and down but her smile did fade when she saw my face. She sat down and tried to do some small talk but I cut her off and began to rain on her parade.

With all of the calm and patience I could gather I told her that no matter what she does or says there would be no way for her to "be my mom again". I started to explain that she was a complete stranger to me now, that I still had resentments, reminded her that I tried many times to stay in contact with her but she refused, and even stated that I'm no longer a child, I'm almost 30 so I kind of don't need a mom anymore (Had to hold myself not to say something like "A few years too late huh?").

I didn't even finish speaking when she burst into tears and began rambling about how sorry she was, that she was sorry for not seeing me grow up, sorry for ignoring me, that she would do anything for a second chance. She even told me that if her old work bothers me she could have it all taken down and pay for therapy if I wanted (Apparently she didn't know I'm in therapy ever since I was a teenager). I politely refused and since the conversation wasn't likely to progress I just left after asking her once more to not contact me again.

A couple of hours later I was in the shower when my phone began exploding with calls and messages, she apparently once again told her family and once again they were cursing or trying to convince me. That showed me that some of the more radical comments on my last post were somewhat right and I decided to follow some of their advice. I swapped my phone number (also got a much better phone plan), cleaned my social media of any family members from her side, and told my lawyer to go forward with the restraining order (thanks to the last post I had it ready to go, thanks again everyone).

She received the order a couple of days ago and immediately broke it by driving straight to my house to scream why I was doing that, I didn't come out and called the cops, thankfully they saw the restraining order and took her to the station for questioning (I was afraid they would ignore it or something but I'm glad I was wrong).

I'm now stuck here, not sure with what I did was 100% right but at least I'm having some semblance of peace this last few days, she's still trying to send gifts but I'm going legal on that too. I'm honestly not sure if there will be any more updates after this but if it happens I'II post on my profile due to this subreddit rules but once again thanks everyone.

TLDR: I decided to be polite and meet my mother face to face and tell her that was no way for her to "be my mother again" she said she understood but continued pushing so I went the legal route and served her a restraining order.

Update 2 July 7, 2021 (3 weeks after last update)

So I wasn't planning on posting any more updates but I lot of people have been messaging me and apparently, my post made into YouTube and it blew up and because of it even more people are pm so I guess I'II just write a quick one.

My mother is now legally fighting me on the restraining order (I didn't even know that was a thing) and I'm trying to get more restraining orders for the more crazy members of her family (my lawyer told me to be cautious because if I request 20+ orders for all of her family I'II look like a madman and it will all be denied).

She hasn't broken the restraining order again after the last time but the gifts continue to come and even intensified so I'm just donating all of them, although my childhood was pretty bad I can say that the amount of chocolate she sent me is making a lot of kids really happy now lol.

And I'II say it again, I'M NOT REVEALING HER NAME! GO FIND PORN ELSEWHERE AND STOP MESSAGING ME! it's not even for her sake but because I don't wanna get doxed, anyone that sends any message like that will be blocked.

To end this, I don't know if I'II post any more updates or how long they will be but if something happens I'II definitely tell you guys, once again thanks to everyone that helped me

Update 3 Jan 26, 2025 (3 and a half years later)

Hey there folks, yeah it has been a few years, Life has been a complete rollercoaster but with some people still sending DMs i figure i should at least try to make some updates.

Now bear in mind it has been years so my memory might be spotty and all over the place, will try my best to make it chronological but it might turn into a mess.

Right where I left off, well my mom had been pushy to the limit but at least with the restraining order she was keeping away, there were some incidents like when she showed up at my dad's house during a family dinner only for my dad's New gf at the time (Now wife) to open the door.

She also showed up at my job asking for me (army), and one of my friends who was on guard duty scared her off with a shotgun, love those guys and they are pretty much the only thing I miss about the army.

Well, Life was not going that well, kept being passed for promotions, my requests for officer school were always denied and to top it all off my gf at the time cheated and dumped me, so yeah, not Nice.

Years went by and when I finally thought I would get an upstart in my promotion I got dismissed by the army along with a lot of other folks, suddenly with no job I had to go back to living with my dad for sometime while I tried to figure out what to do with my Life.

The restraining order against my mom also expired so she came back with renewed vigor which did not help the situation at all. Theres a lot more so i should tackle it some other time. For now have a nice weekend folks.

NEW UPDATE

Update 4 Sept 2, 2025

Hi again folks, I honestly thought I would never make another post about all of this, but looks like someone reposted it in the bestredditposts or something, TikTok picked up and my DMs literally blew up.

So for starters, my situation is a little bit better than a few moments ago, will likely finish college next year (being in the army has royally fucked up getting some classes time-wise, but let's see how it goes.

Still got a metric fuckton of problems to solve, including trying to get money to end some debts so normal day to day stuff at least, and also no time for dating so my romantic life is dead and buried for the time being.

On a more positive note, I had to change therapists but the new one is a specialist in treating families of "famous" people, I've been liking it a lot and they are very discreet, expensive but my old army buddy works there and got me in. Thanks again dude.

Now for the elephant in the room, the situation with my mom is a rollercoaster but at least it's not crashing and burning. Most of the time she stays away and only sends texts and the occasional letter on special dates (xmas, birthdays, etc), sometimes she has pulled some crazy moves, mostly trying to sneak into family events I'm in, twice made a scene in front of my dad's house when she was drunk.

Couldn't get the restraining order renewed since she toned down on the crazy contact attempts for the moment but who knows, hard to know when it's her.

For now that's it, and for the retards still DMing me for her name fuck off, or better, I'II reveal for 2000 bucks! HA! Now fuck off.

For the others that have sent me support and motivational messages, I'II always be grateful, even if I don't reply know I say thank you.

As for now i think thats it, good year to everybody.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Funnyface888

Boyfriend(26M) leaving me(24F) to go to Antarctica.

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, gaslighting

MOOD SPOILER: Disgust and festering resentment at the BF

Original Post - rareddit Sept 17, 2016

I'll make this short and sweet. We've been together 8 months. Things moved fast for us. We live together and we are both in love. I'm in nursing school, and he's working on his Master's. He just landed an amazing opportunity: he has a job offer to go to the South Pole for research. He'll be gone for a year. I really don't want to stop him from going, and this opportunity is too amazing to pass up. He states that he wants to do long distance with me, but this will obviously come with some complications. I feel...torn. I really want him to go but I feel like I will be missing out on a huge chunk of his life. I'm also so afraid that he'll meet someone else or something else will happen that will tear him away from me. Please help!

tl;dr: Should I go long long distance with bf, who I love very much, or should we go our separate ways?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Sunsparc

/u/vocatus is actually in Antarctica right now doing research, maybe reach out to him to see what life is like down there for a first-hand experience?

~

[deleted]

There is no chance whatsoever he'll hook up with someone. You'll be one of his lifelines to reality. Hooray for skype.

EDIT: apparently what I learned about this was bollocks

vocatus

You're completely wrong. I'm in Antarctica and I can assure you that hookups are still very much a thing.

Edit: I sounded kind of like a jerk, didn't mean to!

[deleted]

I'd want verification of those statements.

EDIT Ok, your post history checks out. Surely hookups are insanely unwise and disruptive?

~

vocatus

Hi /u/funnyface888, I am currently I'm Antarctica and yes, there are men and women here and people do meet. What would you like to know?

mockrocker

Guys it's the tronscript guy!

Hi vocatus!

vocatus

Hello friend. Someone said my name three times and summoned me from my dimly lit office

~

Shelleykins

I worked in Antarctica for a bit and honestly, everyone was at it like rabbits. It's a weird scenario because you are basically living life in a bubble and so it becomes a bit easy to forget the outside world. Most of the people who were in relationships when they went down broke up pretty quick.

Before I go totally doom and gloom on you, some relationships did survive. Mine did. Just. But it was really hard. You can either decide to give long distance a go or call quits for now and just see where you are when he gets back in a years time. I hope it works out for you.

Boyfriend(27M) leaving me(25F) to go to Antarctica - UPDATE - rareddit Nov 10, 2017

Well, it's been a full year. And my boyfriend has been in Antarctica the entire time. Everything was fine. Until last week. He's been giving me one word texts when he talks to me, and gradually ignoring my texts. Today, I asked him why, and if he's OK? I asked him if he's cheating on me. In Antarctica, all his friends have left and now 100 new people he's never seen before are there for the new summer.

He dropped a bomb on me today. He said he wants to take a break. I asked him if he met someone else. He answered with a hard 'no.'

He kept saying 'IDK why I'm acting like this', then finally he said(after months of complaining about wanting to leave) "Antarctica is such a special place. I can't describe how melancholy I feel about leaving. I don't have a job in place for when I get back. I don't want to go back, a part of me wants to stay here. Another part wants to go home. And another wants to go on an adventure by myself."

I told him to "sleep on it," and call me back tomorrow, and also suggested that he's just having a bad day. Keep in mind that I've been living in his apartment for 11 months, moved out all his stuff for him, and am now living with my parents and his dog. I have no idea what to do with the dog and his stuff, as they surely aren't mine. I'm also speechless that I put so much faith in this person and they dropped such a huge bomb on me just a couple of days before leaving! Please, does anyone have any advice? What should I do? I put my life on hold for this person and I honestly don't know what to make of this new clusterfuck.

tl;dr: Boyfriend left for Antarctica, now "wants to take a break" after a year of me waiting for him.

My now ex Boyfriend(27M) returned from Antarctica and left me(26F) with a huge mess - rareddit Dec 25, 2017

let me start off by saying that I waited for this man for over a year to return home. While he was gone, me and my mom spent a ton of money to move out his stuff for him into a storage unit, and we also took care of his dog.

When he returned home, I set up an AirBnb for us to stay in for 2 weeks. He was acting really mean to me the whole time and I couldn't figure out why. He couldn't say that he loved me. He went to the post office one day, and left his laptop open. I quickly searched through his messages because I felt that something wasn't right. About two weeks before leaving Antarctica, I found of that he had started a relationship with a girl down there. He lied to her about my existence, and also lied to all his friends by saying that I cheated on him. I am trying very hard to get over this, but it's been awful, so awful. I still have his dog and some of his stuff and we have ceased communicating with each other. I have already blocked any contact with him. But it still hurts so bad. I know he is living in town and will try to taint my relationship with our mutual friends. It's been about a week since the incident. I dont think I'll be able to trust anyone ever again. Advice?

tl;dr: took care of man's stuff for a year while he went on adventure, and he cheated and lied to everyone about our relationship so he could sleep with some girl

FINAL COMMENTS

bbyronUn

What an asshole! With mutual friends, I would begin by broadcasting your story. As he was in Antarctica, you would not have been the only person in contact with him. If he would have suspected you of cheating, he would have said something. He did not.

Moreover, as he was gone, those mutual friends would have known if you were cheating. He would have to come up with a story and the guy's name. To preserve your reputation, you have a good argument to convince others.

"He was acting really mean to me the whole time and I couldn't figure out why."

Other than projecting his own guilt, there is a minority chance that someone lied to him and told him you were cheating. That's another thing to check out.

OOP

That's not likely at all. He snaked his way through all of this. And an accusation was never ever brought up by him. We had very open communication with each other. Any time I had a concern of him cheating he told me how much he loved me and reassured me so strongly. We were very solid. Which is why it's so hard to swallow that this happened...

SurfingDumbledore

Don't sit there and let him damage your relationships with your friends. You go and tell them exactly what he did & your side. Also, stop paying for his storage. Tell him he has X days to retrieve it or you'll sell everything.

I'm sorry this happened OP. He's a two faced liar.

Edit: Did you manage to get any evidence or screenshots?

OOP

Nope I was in such a rage that was the last thing on my mind. I also deleted all his texts and blocked him

~

YodaYodaCDN

"Any time I had a concern of him cheating"

Was this a regular concern? How often did you you wonder (or ask him) if he was cheating?

So sorry this has happened to you.

OOP

Well before he left I had a huge concern about it and we had a long long talk about it, in which I was reassured that he loved me so much it would not happen. The second time it was brought up was just before he left. He of course lied

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AllyDom045

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not changing my name on DoorDash after getting married

Thanks to u/Lynavi & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, emotional infidelity

Original Post: August 15, 2025

My husband (30M) and I (28F) got married a little over a year ago.

Anyways I ordered DoorDash for us for lunch yesterday and when it arrived he got it from the porch. When he came back to the kitchen he was visibly upset and when I asked what was wrong he asked me why my last initial on the order was still my maiden name.

I told him I never really thought about it. He asked me to change it but I refused and told him he was overreacting because it wasn’t that important as it’s only for the dasher to get whatever we ordered from the restaurant and you don’t even have to put your real name.

He blew up and wouldn’t talk to me for hours. He eventually said if I was ashamed of using his last name then I should just say so and without letting me speak he left to stay at his parent’s house. He hasn’t responded to any of my texts or calls for the last 24 hours but I still have his location and he is indeed at his parent’s house. Honestly at this point I have no idea what to think.

AITAH for not changing it when he asked? Or is this a start to something much bigger? We’ve never had an argument like this and have had a perfect marriage and relationship otherwise. I just feel like I don’t know then man I’m married to anymore.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTAH. And omg that is such childish behavior! Then running home makes it even worse. Does he over react about much or is this the first time? This can spell HUGE issues in the future or maybe he is just having a bad day?Wish you luck.

OOP: We have had a pretty much perfect relationship I really don’t understand what’s going on. I really don’t think this is a big deal but I’m torn between the thought that I made it a big deal by refusing and it being a red flag that he cares so much about it

Commenter 2: NTA. It’s a clear over reaction to a very small thing. Honestly, does he accuse you of cheating? Go through your phone? Question where you are going or where you have been?

OOP: No never at least to my knowledge. He knows my phone password but he doesn’t question me

Does OOP have any children with her current husband?

OOP: I don’t have any kids with him but unfortunately my children are involved. I’ve never seen him as a child until now and it’s such a change that it leaves my thoughts conflicted

Commenter 3: My wife still gets stuff with her old name. She was married prior and then went back to her maiden name. So it’s her ex husbands name. IDGAF-I got her. And she’s fucking awesome and fucking hawt. Dude needs to grow up and put his little fee fees to bed. She kept her maiden name when we married. Again, I got her.

OOP: I needed to read this. I’m just scared for what this means. I don’t like turning to Reddit but this is where I’ve seen the most emotionally evolved people

Commenter 3: Really weird that this has cropped up when you say it’s completely out of character. Hopefully he chooses to talk to you like a grown up instead of running to his parents. But maybe for the best.

Is there something he’s not telling you? Job, cheating, finances? Hard to know. But it’s not your job to mother it out of him.

Yeah-I find some surprisingly solid advice on here. Lots of bad advice too. But, if you’re a reasonably sane person you can discern which is which. Good luck and update us if you feel like it.,

OOP: I’m not sure if there’s something he’s hiding. He manages most the finances except the mortgage since it was my house before we got married. He makes more money than me so I doubt that’s the issue especially since everything else is working and seems to be getting paid. I definitely will update when I figure more out. This is just the most wild situation I’ve ever been in and it’s hard when I can’t figure out for the life of me why it means so much to him to literally leave for two nights already and I don’t know when he’ll even speak to me to see where we’re going from here

Commenter 4: His reaction is concerning.

But so is yours.

If it really isn't a big deal, why not change it? It's obviously important to him, and from what you said here, it's not important to you.

OOP: This is my dilemma because the initial argument is already done. I’ve messaged him that if it that important I would do it but he hasn’t responded in over 24 hours. My best friend came over and she told me it’s not worth what he’s putting me through and on one had I feel like it’s a control issue and on the other hand I don’t want to throw away 5 years of my life between relationship and marriage

Update: September 2, 2025 (2.5 weeks later)

AITAH for not changing my name on DoorDash after getting married UPDATE

Update: I am definitely an idiot but the best lessons are learned first hand. A few days after my original post he came home. His mother had called me (we have always been on fairly good terms) asking what was going on since he wouldn’t tell her. I explained the situation and she told me she was very disappointed in him for starting all this over something so simple regardless of if I was willing to change it or not. Anyways he came home and apologized with the most sincere apology I’ve ever received in my life… or so I thought.

This weekend his job had a Labor Day party where all his coworkers and their families were invited over to the bosses house. We don’t normally go to these sort of things because our families are usually doing things the same days but this time we decided to go since my children were with their dad and our families were out of town.

We get there and I’m meeting a lot of new people but I’m most looking forward to meeting Danny, the guy I assumed was his best friend since he’s always talking about him. Danny is nowhere to be found until this drop dead gorgeous woman walks in…turns out Danny is actually Dani short for Danielle. I kept my cool at the omission of her gender but it all clicked when her and I had a conversation.

She is probably one of the most progressive women I’ve ever met but not in an aggressive manner. I honestly think I could be really good friends with this woman. She’s so poised and genuinely nice. She told me she recently got engaged. The funny thing is she owns a side business so she will not be changing her last name. Apparently my husband made a fool of himself to her as well by saying her fiancé wasn’t a “real man” because he’s okay with that. She told him off and didn’t speak to him for a few days. She said he apologized, get this, BEFORE he apologized to me!

Anyways turns out that whole argument was a projection of his own inner feelings and the discrepancy between him and Dani. I kept my cool at the party but in the conversation I had with him later he admitted to having a crush on her. I was so livid and hurt by this I kicked him out. I’m going to be calling divorce lawyers today because I’m done and will not spend the rest of my life worrying if he has something going on with one of his coworkers. I’m just thankful that the house was mine before we got married.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: When its something minor that causes a big fuss it usually almost always projection that has a bigger meaning behind it smh Jerk. Please update as this goes if you can

Commenter 2: Kicking him out and moving toward divorce sounds like a strong, self respecting decision.

Commenter 3: I hope you and Dani can become friends. you have one thing in common at least—this bozo being rude and misogynist to you about your surname! best of luck to you.

Commenter 4: Glad you figured out what was actually happening, maybe keep Dani after the divorce? She sounds so cool and I feel like you two would be great friends!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Glad-Dig2778

Originally posted to r/povertyfinance

18, no job after 30+ applications, guardian wants me out in a year - need advice

Thanks to u/SmartQuokka for the suggestion

Mood Spoilers: scary, but optimistic

Original Post: August 13, 2025

18, no job after 30+ applications, guardian wants me out in a year - need advice

Hey everyone,

So I'm 18 and graduated from high school in May. I haven't even signed up for college yet because my guardian basically told me they were just helping me through high school, and once I graduate, I'm an "adult" and have to figure everything out myself. They also said I'll probably only be living with them for one more year, which is honestly terrifying. It's so confusing because literally all my friends have their parents helping them with college applications and everything. Don't get me wrong. I love my guardian, and I'm super grateful they got me out of a really bad living situation, but I also feel like I don't agree with some of the stuff they're doing. But I'm way too scared to actually say anything about it. I do have a chance to try enrolling for the spring semester, so it's not completely hopeless, but it's still really scary. Right now, I just really need to start making some money to help with expenses.

My current situation:

* Applied to like 30+ jobs around my neighborhood and barely heard anything back * Had a few interviews, but they went terribly (one manager straight up told me I look younger than 18, which like yeah I have a major baby face lol) * Right now, I literally just clean the house and do dishes, but I want to actually contribute real money * I can draw pretty well, but I've never posted my art online or sold anything, just made stuff for friends or drew random things for fun

What I'm thinking about:

* My friend said I should try art commissions since I've been drawing forever, but honestly, I have zero clue what I'm doing * Already sold some of my stuff to help out (clothing and items, considering selling my gaming consoles too), but I need something more consistent * Don't know anything about pricing art or finding people who would actually buy it * I have literally no social media following or anything like that

What I need help with:

1) Job hunting tips for someone with no experience (especially when you look like you're 15 lol) 2) How to even start with art commissions? Like what apps/platforms to use, how to not get scammed, and what kind of art people actually want? 3) How do you handle payments safely? What apps are safe? Is PayPal or Ko-fi safe? 4) Any other ways to make money online or around here that aren't sketchy 5) What types of commissions are easiest for beginners to start with?

Why I'm asking here: My guardian barely talks to me anymore, and I'm pretty sure they're mad that I can't find a job. I'm too scared to ask them for help since they're not really helpful anyway. We've been through so much crazy stuff that normal people probably never deal with. I feel completely lost and have no idea what to do anymore, so my friend told me to try asking on Reddit. This is basically me desperately asking for help.

I've been trying to find work for months, and I'm also kinda freaked out about the whole AI art thing and people stealing art if I try commissions. This is my first time doing anything like this, and I just want to not mess it up completely. I know I'm probably not gonna make bank right away, but even making a little bit would help so much. I'm not looking for some get-rich-quick thing, just realistic ways to actually start making money to help my family. Any advice would be amazing!

Thanks for reading this whole thing and for any help you can give me. <3

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Enroll in school. You dont need a guardians help. Get FAFSA, and lock in for 4 years. You got options dude. You’re 18. I got kicked out at 18 as well. I’m telling you, staying in school is your best bet right now

Commenter 2: Apply for college please. Federal student loans and grants will get you through these four years. Especially since you don’t have parents. Then in four years you’ll be able to make better decisions on what to do going forward. Now with a degree and possibly better employment.

Commenter 3: I can say as someone in the marketing/arts/graphics career space the economy is not great atm. Leisure purchases like art aren't going to be on top on people's list of needs unless you're already a well established and popular artist (even big popular commissioners are suffering from lack of sales.)

30 job applications is just a drop in the bucket as others are mentioning here. Hell when the economy is decent 50+ applications is basically nothing.

Enroll in school, your guardians can't do that for you, you are an adult now.

Commenter 4: Every time I've been in your situation in my life I've gone to a temp agency and took whatever they could get for me. Look up temp agencies near you and see if one of them can help you out. They are frequently hiring for high turnover jobs and will usually be able to find you something. Probably won't be the best job in the world, but it'll be something until you can find better, though the last time I did that it lead me to my current career where I have worked my way up to making a decent living and have a pretty cushy job, so you never know.

Update: August 14, 2025 (next day)

[UPDATE]: Thank you r/povertyfinance! "18, no job, guardian wants me out in a year" + resource guide for teens! 💖

You guys literally saved me. I might start crying. Thank you so much!

I posted yesterday feeling pretty hopeless, but omg you all came through SO HARD with advice. I'm legitimately tearing up reading all your comments. I didn't expect this many people to actually give a crap about helping some random struggling teen on the internet. Apparently, 30 applications is literally nothing these days (even 50+ is normal wtf), but you guys gave me WAY better places to target.

My context: I'm 18 in Texas, have been job searching since May, and my guardian said I'll probably only be living with them for one more year, so I need immediate income while planning long-term stability.

Okay, so I'm trying to organize all this advice because there's SO MUCH and I keep getting overwhelmed, but in a good way?? This literally took me forever to put together, but it was worth it because I'm already feeling so much more hopeful. If you're a teen in a similar situation, here's what this community taught me (I'm literally just copying and pasting some of this from comments because people explained it better than I could):

IMMEDIATE JOB HUNTING (for any teen needing work):

• Nursing homes/retirement centers - multiple people said these hire fast and sometimes offer paid CNA training. Ask about "work while you train" programs
• Temp agencies and staffing agencies for blue-collar jobs - a good way to get your foot in the door and show you have a good work ethic
• Spirit Halloween stores - perfect timing for seasonal work!
• Pumpkin patches and fall activities - seasonal but immediate income
• Hospitals for housekeeping/food service - go to HR dept, then see what other careers interest you there
• Chick-fil-A (and similar chains) - someone said they're not picky, just start small
• Factories and janitorial companies
• Credit unions - good entry-level work and helps with your own banking too
• Resorts - places like Nemacolin, Aspen, Colorado, etc, typically offer employee housing. If you get hired, you have to get there, then you have a job and a house
• Airports - TSA, ground crew, kiosks, airlines hire like crazy. Not amazing pay, but livable if you're not in high-cost areas
• Target, Starbucks - companies that offer tuition help
• Amazon warehouses - high turnover means always hiring. No interview required, just pass a drug test (someone literally said this lol)
• Hotel housekeeping - always hiring
• Restaurant work - working in the back of restaurants, consider this while building toward something better
• TaskRabbit - (cleaning, furniture assembly, etc.), local churches,
• Blue Collar - for warehouse/delivery/construction jobs, Amazon delivery, unemployment office, or vocational rehab center (their job is to get people into the workforce, and they will work with you).

About Volunteering

This is for people who have more time/financial cushion, btw: If you have no real work experience from past summers in high school, volunteer WHILE you keep job hunting. Volunteer at multiple places for significant hours per week, doing something that sounds job-like on your résumé.

Libraries, museums, animal shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, food banks, thrift stores, pet stores, day centers or clubs for kids with disabilities, art sessions at community centers (this lines up with art interests and develops communication skills).

Why is this helpful?

It gives you work experience to list on résumé (unpaid but still counts), shows you can learn tasks/honor commitments/follow schedules, gets you references that aren't family, networking opportunities, makes you better applicant, keeps you busy and maintains confidence when out of work, helps you compete against older people with more experience.

COLLEGE/EDUCATION STUFF (especially for teens without parental support):

Federal loans and grants could cover everything since I don't have parental financial support. Enrollment doesn't open until January-March for TSI tests.

* FAFSA as an independent student * Pell grants - if you've been homeless, these bypass the guardian income requirements * Texas programs for my situation * Community college - talk with a counselor about financial aid, it may be easier to find a job as a college student * Extended foster care programs - if you're in the foster care system, many states offer free tuition for foster kids

TRADE/CAREER PATHS (great for teens who need income fast):

CNA training - sounds like the fastest way to decent money, nursing homes sometimes pay for training

Construction/trades - paying $30-55/hour for skilled workers, the industry is desperate for people

Union jobs - especially in construction, excellent pay and benefits

Electrician - finding local IBEW (they'll pay you to become an electrician!)

Job Corps - mixed reviews on funding, but still worth checking out

MILITARY OPTIONS (i wasn't really considering this before, but people made good points),

• Air Force - jobs transfer to civilian work better. Reserves/National Guard lets you go to school with discounts and reduces loans. Can use the GI Bill for a master's or trade school afterwards. Non-combat roles available.

(Someone joined the Coast Guard right out of high school, had a blast for 4 years, then got university tuition paid, free housing, and $1k monthly stipend while in school full-time. Got degree and $70k/year job after graduating. They said veteran status opens doors. That actually sounds... not terrible?)

• Homeland security services - another option to consider
• Hospital technical training - many hospitals train you for free if you agree to work there for a certain time (like pharmacy tech)
• Local/state government career programs - Texas Workforce Commission has job training grants

ADDITIONAL ADVICE FROM r/advice:

REALITY CHECK!!

It's a numbers game. One person applied to 1,250 jobs as a new RN before landing the one they wanted. Like WHAT. That's insane but also makes me feel better about only doing 30 so far lmao. Apply everywhere you can, and remember you can always keep applying even if you have a job. You're competing against older people with more experience, so anything you can do to gain an edge is worth it.

(this part kind of hurt to read but I needed to hear it):

Art commissions - with how the economy is, don't count on this as full-time income. Maybe on the side, but not as primary income in my situation. Things are really rough even for professionals with art degrees/qualifications. "Starving artist" is still a real thing, and I guess I was being naive about that. So, tossing that idea out the window.

MY SITUATION (for people asking),

I'm in Texas, living with my guardian in a 2-bedroom apartment. Got placed with family when removed from mom's home at 15/16, didn't go through foster care.

For people who think I'm "being lazy": I've been job searching since May. That's 4+ months of consistent applications. I've taken public transit to get to interviews because I don't have a car. Finding work at 18 with limited experience is genuinely difficult right now. I have sold some of my items, even traded my clothes for some cash to help out. For now, I clean the house while they are at work to make sure they come home to a clean environment.

I'm absolutely willing to wake up at 5 am, work any job, and do whatever it takes. The issue isn't laziness. It's that the job market is tough for teens right now, which is why I needed better targeting strategies (which you all provided, thank you!).

QUESTIONS I still have:

How do I find nursing homes with paid CNA training?

Job Corps in Texas. Is funding really that bad right now?

Where to find local government career programs?

Tips on looking older/more professional in interviews?

Do churches still hire people who aren't religious? Does it matter?

TIPS FROM THE COMMUNITY:

Streamline applications - make a FAQ sheet with copy-paste answers for common application questions

Interview tips - dress in the best version of that company's dress code, firm handshake, eye contact, and research the company beforehand

Important documents - make sure you have original copies of birth certificate, Social Security card, state ID

Banking - open your own bank account that your guardian cannot access for saving money to move out

Honestly, I'm still scared but like 100x more hopeful. You guys made me realize my situation isn't hopeless, and the guardianship thing might actually help with college financial aid!

My plan moving forward: I'm going to systematically look into all these resources mentioned and apply the advice. I'm honestly still processing all of this info and feeling a bit brain-fried, but in the best way possible. Planning to do another update in February to let everyone know what worked, what didn't, and how things are going. Both for accountability and to help other teens see real results from these strategies.

Feel free to leave any extra tips not mentioned in the post, and resources for other teens looking for advice/information!

Thank you again to everyone who helped. You've already given me so much to work with! My DMs are open if anyone wants to share more advice or has questions! 💖

This post is also a resource guide for other teens/college students who need help. Definitely try these ideas out if you're in a similar situation!

EDIT: The volunteering section is for people who have more time/financial cushion and want to gain experience!

SMALL UPDATE: 8.17.25 - Over a text, I received from my guardian stated that the lease is up in May and they're moving out, telling me I need to find someplace else or a roommate. Which is scary cause now it's confirmed. Earlier, it was just "what if" cause they were being vague about the whole moving out situation. But now it's real, and instead of a year, I have 9 months. Don't worry, I have a lot of good friends willing to help me move out/U-Haul etc, when the time comes!

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Ok just an offhand comment here, but this is so well organized. Whatever you end up doing, I'm sure you'll do well. Don't underestimate yourself, and consider something that uses that great talent. I don't think it will take you long to prove yourself quite capable, and remember your value when that happens. Many places will take advantage, but always keep an eye out for something better if you are not appreciated and rewarded.

Commenter 2: I would add, don't wait until open enrollment to reach out to admissions advisors/counselors at colleges. Even at a community college. This can help you prepare in the meantime for what you may need and answer questions you have while it's less chaotic.

In regards to looking older for interviews, I wouldn't worry about that. Professional? Keep it simple. Some slacks and and a button down shirt. Have your hair pulled back a neat ponytail or with a claw clip. Make sure your hands are clean, moisturized, and nails trimmed. Wear nice shoes (they needn't be expensive, can even be just some simple black flats). Bring a pair of gym shoes to change into if necessary on your travels this way you're not killing your feet. You can opt to use makeup if you like, but keep it very minimal - no loud eye makeup etc. Even just a sheer lip gloss is fine or your lip balm. I'd also add that YouTube is a valuable resource for interview tips (and 10 million other things like cooking recipes etc).

Since you mention taking public transit a lot, perhaps asking the bus driver (if they appear friendly/approachable), if they're hiring. You don't necessarily need to drive a bus, sometimes there are other entry level jobs within the transit company you can apply for. They may even have job fares (colleges have this too).

Commenter 3: Tip I had in high school from a career prep course was that volunteer work is a great way to get some “job experience” on your resume before actually working. I think you may not have the time to do this and need to commit to looking for a real job but for other teens this might be really valuable. That’s what I did to get experience in the field I wanted for a job. Did a food service event for the elderly as a volunteer server at 15 years old and then got a food service job about a year later. Later when I decided I really wanted to work in some kind of education/childcare I became a volunteer reading tutor for a program in my area. It took me a little longer to get into education/childcare because I was busy with college and parents didn’t always trust super young people with their kids. But I do think the experience genuinely helped my resume. Interested people can use services like Volunteer Match to try and find something.

If you end up going to school you can usually look for on campus jobs as well. My college had a special portion of their website dedicated to student jobs. I had one for a while but I was awful at it just due to the fact I was so close to graduating and the pressure was on with my classes.

I genuinely wish you luck. The job market is competitive and the process of job searching has changed. Went through a similar problem as you at that age and was repeatedly called lazy by my mom.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/missmannered

I (23f) was dumped by my friend group after breaking things off with an abusive ex and am having trouble moving on.

TRIGGER WARNING: Drug use, domestic abuse

Original Post - rareddit Oct 8, 2017

Every Instagram post. Every fb joke. They all wordlessly dropped me and stayed friends with a man who really, really hurt me physically and emotionally. I told them and no one cared. I know I shouldn't miss fake friends but I do. How do I move on? Is something wrong with me?

They weren't good friends. One of them is now sleeping with my ex too. I've got a new job, toured the country, put out new music for my band, met a new great guy. But none of it feels fun without friends. I am trying to be sober from the hard drugs my ex and those friends encouraged and don't know how to meet people anymore without being drunk or fucked up. I refuse to be an alcoholic anymore but how do you meet people besides bars?

I feel so fucking pathetic and lonely. I want to stop feeling so awful about standing up for myself.

tl;dr dumped my abusive ex, got dumped by all our friends, lonely now

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bbmlst

You're not alone. I'm here.

OOP

thank you. I really needed to read that. I wrote this all out after seeing pictures of everyone hanging out this weekend without me. I didn't want to wake up my new bf to cry more about it, though he's been so patient and great. Just thank you. Being a human is so hard.

~

Elesia

I'm sorry and I know it hurts, but rest assured that the trash took itself out. You deserve a good life full of people who care about you, and a bunch of drama queens barreling towards addiction are too busy caring about social media, getting high, and smoothing out the crashes with alcohol to connect with you the person.

OOP

You worded it exactly how they act. I don't want to be friends with people just because we're all drinking in the same room.

~

helendestroy

I had this happen to me too, and it's so fucked up.

Just remember that if they picked him, they're as fucked up as him. You have the space in your life now for better people. And you will find them. It sounds like you have a lot going right for you, so focus on that.

OOP

I'm sorry this happened to you. Are you okay?

helendestroy

Oh yes, it was a long time ago. And it really did a number on me, but things got better once my life wasn't filled with people like that, you know?

OOP

Logically I know i'm better. I'm not blacking out in random bars, I'm applying to grad school, blah blah blah. But I still feel like the nerdy girl that got laughed at at the school dance.

Update - rareddit Nov 15, 2017

It's been a month since my initial post, and let me just say y'all, I'm doing good.

I took the advice of this forum and deleted all of my old 'friends' on social media. Some noticed, some didn't. One girl messaged me asking if she had done 'anything wrong'--with all the politeness of my Southern upbringing, I diverted her question as to not discuss my abuse and personal life over frickin' Instagram message (of course, this was on Instagram, because that's all that matters to these people). Speaking of, I'm sure all of my old friends noticed me cutting them out online, because social media means everything to them. I still notice a few of them watch all of my Instagram stories almost right after I post them, which makes me pity that they missed out on an amazing person they probably think of often: me. Not seeing my old friends antics online allowed me to clear my head and just be less obsessed with missing them and my own loneliness. It was all fake anyway, carefully posed pictures of boring, mean, cold lives. I know that, because that used to be me.

I've learned to enjoy my own company this month, as well as joined a local D'n'D group as per the recommendations y'all. Nerdy as hell, not at all Instagram chic, but a total fucking blast and the people are great. I've gone out dancing with them once (absolutely hilarious), and look forward to getting to know them more.

As for my abusive ex, I haven't heard anything about him other than seeing online that he's still partying and being his same old shit self. I went ahead and unfollowed the person who posted that video of him, too. I wrote a poem about how that video made me feel, and wouldn't you know yall, the place I submitted it to wanted to publish it. I have a mini book coming out next year, of poems I wrote when feeling absolutely alone. Seeing that video also inspired me to flush the rest of the drugs left in my house.

Thank you everyone for helping me through the darkness. The most important advice I received was that my friend group picked my ex because he was like them: empty, mean, and on the road to destruction.

I'm only a month in, but I feel like it's been a year. And I owe it to you guys. To other women getting out of abusive situations, you are a badass queen and not everyone will know how to handle your newfound strength. Keep shining.

tl;dr: Deleted old friends online, cleared my head, went sober-ish, became a half-elf druid, have a book coming out.

FINAL COMMENTS

agamergirl90

It's great to see and hear the stories of others who got out of their own situation. In my own abusive relationship, he started getting violently controlling of my social life, and lost most of the few friends I had cobbled together. It took one of them noticing I had essentially dropped off the planet to actually come by and check on me, and offer me a place to stay that got me out of it. It can be really rough losing what little you have, but then again, that's what abusers do, carefully cultivate your social life so that leaving them means leaving everyone.

OOP

That happened to me, too. I starting hanging out with my now boyfriend and realized it was the first time in months I was hanging out with someone sober. Realizing that helped me get away. Bless the people who notice.

~

Phrasing_Sterling

Isn't DnD amazing?! I'm so glad you've found another group of people to keep you company and be positive influences for you. Good luck into the future :)

OOP

It's so much fun, I don't even care if it makes me look like a supreme dork.

VonAether

Hey, if Dame Judy Dench and Vin Deisel can play D&D, who cares how you end up looking? :)

Also keep in mind that RPGs encompass pretty much every genre imaginable, if medieval fantasy's not totally your thing. Science fiction (Star Wars, Trinity, Star Trek, Traveller), horror (Call of Cthulhu, Vampire: The Masquerade, Chill, Kult), pulp (Adventure!, Hollow Earth Expedition). Even CW-style supernatural teen romance (Monsterhearts). The sky's the limit.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Fair_Satisfaction709

I learned the real reason my ex left me.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest & OOP's own page

TRIGGER WARNING: infertility, abandonment, suicide attempt, menatl health struggles

MOOD SPOILER: mildly infuriating but ultimately positive

BoRU 1

Original Post May 3, 2025

Obligatory throwaway account as people in my life know my usual account.

Posting because I really don’t know how to feel about this and I just needed to get it off my chest. Sorry for the loooooong ass post, there’s a lot to unpack.

Backstory first. So around 2 years ago, my ex fiancé, who I’d been in a relationship with for almost 10 years unceremoniously just left me.

It never fully made sense to me as there were no warning signs, we were actively planning our wedding and finally agreed to try for a baby, as we were both in our 30’s and time was ticking. Then one day, he just started acting sort of off, wasn’t saying I love you before he left for work for the day, was spending more time out drinking with his friends than he was at home. He’d been struggling with his mental health since Covid lockdowns so I assumed he was having a bit of a downward spiral. So I sat down with him one day and just asked him if everything was okay with him, he tried to brush it off initially and kept saying he was fine, so I changed the question and asked if we were okay, he looked like he really didn’t want to answer, so I asked again, he paused and in that moment, I knew, it was over. I asked if he still loved me, he said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. And that was it, within a week, he had moved out, leaving 90% of his belongings to be collected at a later date and to serve as a constant reminder that he was just gone.

To say it hit me hard was an understatement, I spiralled massively, I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life, so I tried to end it all, it just hurt too much feeling like there was something so wrong with me that he had to just leave.

Fortunately a friend managed to get me to a hospital before I did any serious damage to myself and while I still felt awful about myself most of the time, it got a little easier.

I ended up dating that friend a few months later. A lot of people said it was too soon to move on, but honestly I never set out to have another relationship at all, but his constant support, presence and reassurance that there was nothing wrong me made me want to spend time with those who truly gave a shit about me, and in time we developed feelings for each other. We had a beautiful relationship filled with love and laughter, and much to our surprise I ended up pregnant 9 months into our relationship, we decided to keep the baby even though our relationship was still in its early stages and 9 months later our beautiful daughter was born. We are still as strong as ever today and continuing to build an amazing life together as a family.

Now onto present day, I guess my ex has been reflecting on the past recently due to a lot of deaths in his family and his mother (who I’m still close with today) reached out to me to asked whether I’d be willing to meet up with him as he had something to get off his chest, she didn’t know what he wanted to talk to me about as it was something he could only discuss with me, but she would understand if I said no.

I decided to think about it for a few days before I agreed that I would meet up with him at a local coffee shop. I got there early because you know, mama needs her caffeine fix with these early morning wake ups and night feeds. I was already sat down when he came in and he gave me the saddest looking smile while I merely just nodded to him and motioned for him to sit down and get out whatever he needed to tell me.

I was a little bit speechless at what he had to say. He said that when we started trying for a baby and nothing was happening even though we were closely tracking my ovulation cycle and testing every day for that sweet spot, he realised something wasn’t right, so he secretly took a day off work to see a fertility doctor l, they found that due to an undiagnosed issue in one of his testicles, the likelihood of him ever being able to conceive a biological child of his own was incredibly low. He knew that I loved him so deeply that I would’ve given up my dream of having children, just for him and he said he couldn’t live with that on his conscience, that I deserved to have the life and family I’d always wanted, only with someone else. He kept apologising profusely for hurting me so much in the process but tried to rationalise that I had got what I’d wanted in the end, so his plan ultimately worked.

I ultimately sat there silent for a few minutes and just looked at him dead in the eyes and said that that was never his decision to make, he took away my choice and nearly destroyed me in the process. And I got up and left.

It’s been a few days and I’m still processing, my partner knew I was meeting up with my ex and he knows something is up but is giving me space until I feel ready to talk about it, but honestly I’m shook. Like did my ex honestly think I’d be like okay thanks for letting me know and then we’d all be friends again.

EDIT: Tried to add an update post, however it was removed by the mods. Will post to my profile if anyone is interested.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

6017LN

He was having an affair that is now over and is reflecting. He used a lie to try to make himself seem like a martyr.

OOP

I did suspect that for quite some time, there was a girl in our friend group he had become oddly close to over the last year of our relationship, she was one of the main people he was going out drinking with when I started realising something wasn’t quite right, so my mind did go there for a while. He ended up moving in with her as housemates after he moved out. She tried coming over to collect the remainder of his things, I was pretty mad and said I didn’t consent to her being there and if she didn’t leave my property, I’d call the police on her for trespassing. I don’t believe anything was ever actually going on there though as I heard through the grapevine that she was seeing some drug dealer shortly after my ex moved in with her.

~

Ride-Sea-3607

Absolutely. Your ex-boyfriend had no right to take away your choice in this matter. Did he know about your failed attempt at suicide? Why did he not come back then and admit that it was all a mistake? Because you couldn't have babies if you are dead, right. I think it is either he is an absolute moron or he is trying to give you some bs reason so that you think of him in a better light going forward.

OOP

Yes, he was aware of the attempt, we had a pretty close knit group of friends, some of whom were really supportive afterwards, they made him aware. I got a “I hope you’re okay, sorry for everything” message after he found out. I never responded and it was at that point that I blocked and deleted his number and all his socials because I couldn’t trust myself not to drunk message him begging for him to come back.

~

inkypinkyblinkyclyde

There were other ways to deal with his infertility. Donor sperm. Adoption. The fact that he would rather have taken this decision from you than discuss options with you proves that he was not a suitable long term partner for you. There are lots of hard decisions couples need to make together, and he demonstrated that he was unwilling to give you any real agency in your life together. You are better off now with your new partner.

OOP

Oh I know I’m absolutely so much better off. My current partner is pretty much the opposite of my ex, which was why it was such a surprise that I developed feelings for him, he’s extremely different from my usual “type”, but he’s such a good egg. We had chance to talk about everything late last night (our daughter is going through a bit of a sleep regression, so late nights are pretty common for us at the minute 😭), and he was super empathetic and equally as pissed. I got my first period since having the baby this morning and he ran me a bath and told me to go sulk for as long as I need to, bless him.

Update on the situation with my ex. May 8, 2025 (5 days later)

If youd like a recap of the story please see my original post here

First off, thank you all for your lovely comments and messages of support! I was not expecting my post to blow up like it did.

So I wasn’t really expecting to make an update to my previous post, and definitely not this soon, but boy does it get interesting.

So of course I planned to leave this situation alone at this point and completely put it behind me, however my former mother-in-law reached out to me as I hadn’t spoken to her in a few days which is quite unlike me.

A few people said in a few comments that I should cut her off as well as the ex, but this woman was like a mother to me for almost 10 years, when I was going through difficulties with my own family, this woman opened her home to me gave me a safe place to stay if I needed. She had been more of a parent to me than my own parents and basically adopted me as the daughter that she had always wanted so when I say we are incredibly close I genuinely mean it regardless of anything that’s happened with her son, we have a really strong relationship outside of that. We typically have a good catchup once a week and message in between, nothing I say to her gets passed on to her son, from what I can gather, the trickles of information he gets is through the grapevine of the group of friends we mutually share. So when she reached out to see if I was okay yesterday, I decided I’d pop over and catch up with her.

Turns out he came clean to her when she asked exactly what had gone on as she hadn’t heard off me in a few days and she was worried, she went absolutely ballistic at him and currently is not speaking to him at all. Then she told me something I did not know and something she assumed I’d known all along. It turns out that when he was born he had undescended testicles, he had the surgery to correct it but there was always going to be the chance that he would have fertility issues in adulthood, he was meant to go for check ups once he passed puberty age to see whether there was any lasting damage and he claimed to his mother that he had gone to these and everything was fine, but neither of us actually believe this.

So the entire time we discussed having children, he knew there was a possibility that all he was shooting was blanks, but neglected to actually let me know this, FOR TEN FREAKING YEARS.

Bear in mind we were probably having unprotected sex for 2 years of our relationship, not actively trying but we had agreed that if something happened, we’d be happy about it, so I think when we were actively trying to have a baby and nothing was happening it sort of gave him the mental tip off that all was not well and he finally decided to get that check up he’d been putting off.

Im flabbergasted guys.

In regard to my partner and I’s relationship, we are absolutely fine, he’s used to my sulky episodes haha. I did eventually fill him in after a few days of being mildly annoyed and he agreed that it was super fucked up and agreed with a lot of the comments that his timing for telling me all this was absolutely comical. We did suspect for a while that the real reason he decided to leave was cheating initially, because he’d gotten strangely close to one of the girls in our friend group (the majority of which dropped me like hot shit once we split), turns out there’s nothing going on there, but a another lil tidbit off my ex’s mum that she found out also, guys he’s dating this girls 60 YEAR OLD MOTHER!!

Good lord his life is a dumpster fire. I don’t even think I’m mad anymore, just mildly amused.

Absolutely done with that.

NEW UPDATE

Another update. Sigh. July 16, 2025

(So this was sat in my drafts for the last few weeks and forgot to post it).

I so badly wanted to be over and done with all of this and I honestly wasn’t expecting to have anything else to say on the matter despite the fact that I’ve had people messaging me for updates.

Sorry for any mistakes, it’s late and I’m running off about 3 hours sleep.

Life has been peaceful, and had returned to its pre-drama state and I’d pretty much shoved everything to the back of my head, because in all honestly, while the revelation might’ve shocked and temporarily upset me, I just decided to compartmentalise and move on.

So as it turns out (thank you random Redditor who messaged me for an update), my BORU post got ripped by one of those dumb “content creators” who play an ai voice recording of Reddit posts over Minecraft videos, I honestly find these pages incredibly abhorrent, they take someone’s trauma and monetise it without even getting any form of consent from the OP, but I digress. These videos were posted all over socials (YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, etc.) and got thousands of views, so I was suddenly getting waaaaayyy more attention than I expected and honestly it got a little overwhelming.

Lo and behold, the TikTok video manages to land itself on one of mine and my exes mutual friends fyp, the video circulates through the friend group as they are speculating as to whether it’s about me and the ex or not, because there are a lot of similarities, and before I know it, I’m getting Facebook messages off a fake profile demanding I remove the post or make another post saying that everything was fake, that I owe him one. I’ve since had to deactivate my Facebook because every time I blocked an account another would pop up to message me again.

Jacob, I know you’re reading this, you are not some big fucking hero that made my life what it is today, my life is what it is because I put in the work to get myself in a better place after you fucked me up. And you’re STILL trying to fuck me up, but I’m finally at that point where I see you for what you are, a manipulative narcissist. You are not some grand arbiter of fate, what happened, happened, and you only have yourself to blame for the fact that your life went to to shit, go and get some therapy and get over this shit like I did. And stop trying to message my family.

TLDR; Ex found the story, demanded I remove it. Fuck off Jacob.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/noodinthegarden

She erased us from her wedding. So I’m erasing her from mine.

Originally posted to r/pettyrevenge

Thanks to a long-time lurker for suggesting this BoRU

MOOD SPOILER: Very, very petty

Original Post May 3, 2025

When my brother got married, his bride (now my sister-in-law) had very specific expectations. She wanted everyone in the family to wear their wedding colors, and we all did. People flew in from out of state. Everyone made an effort to make her feel celebrated.

The day before the wedding, she made some offhanded (but clearly pointed) remarks about how “our side” of the family never takes anything seriously and she wasn’t expecting us to take this seriously either. The comments made their rounds, and feelings were hurt before the wedding even began. But we still showed up, looked great, and participated.

Fast forward to getting the wedding photos and video: not a single photo of our side of the family was posted. Not one. In the entire 3-minute highlight reel? No faces from our family, except a 3-second clip of my parents with the bride and groom. The rest of us? It’s like we never existed.

I texted her (cordially) and asked if she could send me the pictures with just our siblings, since none had been posted. She responded that we never took those pictures. That’s wild because I remember helping people adjust corsages for them. She doubled down on the gaslighting. I gave it six months and asked again—she suddenly had no idea what I was talking about.

Fine.

Here’s where the petty revenge comes in.

I’m getting married in 8 days. I’ve been engaged for 6 months and planning this moment since she tried to erase us. I hired a great photographer and videographer. What she doesn’t know is that the videographer has a secret mission: make it look like she’s getting all the attention. Track her. Hover near her like she’s the star of the show. She will feel so seen.

And then… the final cut?

She won’t appear for even one second. Just like she made sure we didn’t.

I didn’t even invite her originally. Word must’ve gotten out because she cornered me at a family dinner and said, “Unfortunately I have to work the day before and after your wedding, but I should still be able to make it.” I was so stunned I just said, “That’s fine. The Airbnb is booked whether you’re there or not.” So now she’s coming. Ugh.

To cope? I spelled her name wrong on the wedding invite on purpose. That was my first move. The video blackout will be my last.

Not asking for advice. Not asking if it’s “too mean.” It’s not. It’s exactly fair.

Happy to finally talk about it freely 😌.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

take0a0pinch

Actually you can just instruct the photographer to take unglamorous photographs of her, like her eyes are closed or weird facial expressions and just posted it on social media. If she complains, you can just tell her, “well at least everyone is in my wedding photos.”

Big-Safe-2459

No shooter would risk their career for that

OOP

I’m not asking him to do anything different other than just don’t put her in the video. He’s still taking amazing footage and does a phenomenal job this won’t hurt him 🙂 but I will ask his opinion if it would make you guys feel better.

~

After-Committee-1750

She lives in your head rent free just forgive her and keep it pushing. Is your wedding about you and tour partner celebrating your marriage or getting some weird revenge on your family member? Honestly I love petty shit but this sucks

OOP

Just a side quest. The rent free is right and it will stop now. 😅 not me thinking no one would give a shit about this and yall are so good about calling me out where I need to heal. I’ll work on that 😬.

~

Trick-Ladder

Meh. Don’t worry about it. You will have enough to do at the wedding without tracking drama. Your response will change nothing about the broken SIL. 

OOP

This is easily my fav comment out of all 3k of them. I do have enough to do. I got it off my chest talking about it but I’m ready to not think about it again. Thank you 😊 nothing I could do would change how she is as a person and that actually has nothing to do with me so I really ought to not make it as big of a deal.

~

strwbrrymlkcow

update once you've followed through!! also congratulations to your marriage!! hopefully you guys can live happily without her!

OOP

Thank goodness we’re in opposite ends of our state with hours in between. She’s never on my mind and not involved in my life but I was pretty hurt at her wedding. I guess enough to remember it 5 years later. She’ll be at the wedding, not treated differently. And I won’t be focused on her at ALL 😇 this was just a side quest, not a main goal 😅 I was a little bit dramatic last night while posting this haha

OOP Updated May 12, 2025/Same Post (9 days later)

Edit: Update 5/12. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and I didn’t have to think about this all day. We’ve been living on the love high that comes with the wedding and forgot about anything until YouTube remakes reminded me.

Our videographer was given verbal instructions beforehand and made sure to know who SIL was.

As our sneak peek clips have been given back to us I have yet to see her in any of the footage.

Our videographer told us they had over 200GB of raw footage so SIL will definitely be in some footage on a hard drive somewhere, but she definitely will not end up on any of our instagram highlights. We’ll see about the final video.

I definitely didn’t think this would blow up like it did, originally I only shared this with 3 girls in book club. Thank you all for coming on this petty revenge journey with me!

P.s. no idea how Reddit updates work for those who care, trying to figure out if editing the OG post is the way. Should I put my final update on a new post? Let me know, I don’t want to leave you all hanging on this.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is ChiliTomatoCupNoodle. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: golden child/scapegoat abusive patterns

Mood Spoiler: good ending for OOP

Original Post: August 31, 2025

For context: My brother (26M) and I (31F) have been estranged for years. He has always been arrogant, self-absorbed, and unapologetic about past behavior. Growing up, our mother (62F) constantly played favorites: he was the golden child, and he thrived in that role. The last time we spoke, we had a major argument. He has never shown any remorse, and I’ve made peace with not having a relationship with him.

I (31F) am a foreign MD working in the US and getting married to my American fiancé (33M) in early 2026. My family lives in my home country, and so we are finalizing our guest list as it will be a destination wedding. My mother insists on letting my brother come along when she found out that he did not know I was already getting married. She then insisted that I invite him to the wedding (not sure if this was his or purely her idea) even asking me to provide an invitation letter to help his chances of getting a tourist visa. I respectfully told her no.

Aside from our personal history, the reality is he’s still a student with very few “ties to home,” so I doubt he would even qualify for a visa on his own. My parents, who already have valid visas and have visited me before, offered to be his guarantor, and that my “invitation letter” would help him out. Personally, I don’t want him to have access to me, and I refuse to let him benefit from me. My mom argued that he could stay at a separate hotel and that she just wanted the whole family together. I explained that I don’t feel comfortable with him being at my wedding and that I don’t want to deal with that stress on what should be a special day. I told her that by insisting on his presence, she was only reinforcing my feelings that she prioritizes his feelings over mine.

She kept pressing, saying that relatives would talk badly if my brother wasn’t invited. I finally told her that if she insisted, then she could also consider herself uninvited. That led to a blow-up where she accused me of being ungrateful (us Asians are BIG on indebtedness to family lol), even reminding me that she and my father helped pay for my exams (expensive as an international medical graduate). She said the least I could do was grant her “this one wish.” I then exasperatedly told her that I would think about it.

AITA for refusing to invite my brother? Is there a reasonable compromise here, or should I stand my ground?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Who is paying for the wedding:

Me and my fiance would be paying for the wedding. No financial help from either of our families

Commenter: There's a lot of cultural stuff here that I'm not sure how to deal with.

I know just enough about Asian family culture to know that I dont' know enough to comment on it.

If you were one of my friends in my culture the answer would be NTA. So I'm going with that.

OOP: I agree, that’s why I chose to seek opinions here on AITA. Crossposting this to a sub with mostly people from my country would likely invite backlash and pressure me into compromising, since many there are deeply religious and family-oriented. I really appreciate the validation of my decision. It’s difficult to untangle ourselves from cultural influences, but being in the US has definitely opened my eyes.

Commenter: NTA just reimburse her for your testing fees. You will never be out of her debt otherwise.

The next will be “your brother needs financial help, you need to help him because I spent so much money paying for your exams”

“Your brother needs a job, maybe you can help him go to the US”

Nip all of this in the bud. You don’t have to explain much at the wedding, brother doesn’t have a visa so he’s not here 🤷🏻‍♀️

OOP: Yup, I’m in the process of paying the exam fees back. This whole situation has really opened my eyes to its gravity, and I don’t like having that fact constantly dangled over my head.
As for the second part about the job, I can absolutely see that happening. And honestly, as the older sibling, I’m exhausted from always being expected to bail out someone who is so blatantly disrespectful and unappreciative. Every. Single. Time.

Top Commenter: Uh, no. You don't "think about it." No is no. She doesn't get to hold the exams over your head, that was a decision they made as adults and as your parents. Not leverage so they can boundary stomp you. This is NOT your mom's day, who gives a fuck if she "just wants her family together." Your wedding isn't about her. She can take it as it is or leave it.

NTA. Don't bend.

OOP: I agree. I’ve decided to firmly say NO in our next conversation. I don’t owe this to her, or anyone, and certainly not to the brat she raised. I don’t want him creating problems for me, and knowing how spiteful he is, I’m sure he’ll find a way to violate the trip and drag me into trouble.

Commenter: NTA. If your brother decides to outstay his visum, your parents and you might well be on the hook for fines and whatever else the US goverments think is a fitting punishment. Any invites you extend in the future would also be looked at with extra-sharp eyes. He doesn't care about that, so the answer is no and no again. Too much risk.

OOP: I agree. I remember during my application, they asked whether I had family living in the country, and I think they run background checks. A lot of people from my country tend to overstay, and applications can get denied for far less. Knowing how vindictive he is, I’m certain he’d find a way to get me into trouble. Thanks for the insight.

Update in Comments: September 1, 2025 (Next Day)

Update: Just got off the phone with my mother. I respectfully told her that she needs to respect my decision not to bring him around. That if he were genuinely interested in reconciliation, he would’ve reached out himself, not as a grown man hiding behind his mommy. (Thank you, by the way, for helping me realize this.) I also made it clear that if she was even considering doing something behind my back or try to spring a nasty surprise on the day of, I would not hesitate to exclude her entirely.

To no one’s surprise, this was met with a screaming match followed by the classic religious guilt trip: “Do you want an awful marriage? How can it be blessed by God if both parents aren’t there to give their blessing?” Yada yada. Then came the lecture about what I’d tell my future children if their uncle was “out of the picture,” and of course, the accusation that living in the US has changed my perspective on family.

As for my father, I don’t think he’s aware of all this yet, but I’m sure he’ll hear about it soon. Never had an issue with him, though - he’s always supported me, even with being NC with my brother. I know he’d disapprove, but ultimately, he would understand.

What I expect next is her tried-and-true stonewalling routine. That’s fine, I’ve seen this pattern countless times. Never resolving conflicts, just freezes me out until she feels like pretending nothing happened. Textbook emotionally immature parent. Even if she decides to “patch things up” later, it won’t be by acknowledging her mistakes - just by softening the silent treatment. And in her eyes, this will always be my wrongdoing. Whatever. Her refusal to respect my boundaries and her continued treatment of me only confirm what I already know: going no contact with her is the healthiest choice.

I can understand, to an extent, why she favors the younger sibling. There are plenty of factors I’ve reasoned myself with over the years: he’s male, following their footsteps as a lawyer, still lives with them, and his backstory as a child was marked by sickness and multiple brushes with death. So yes, I get the overprotectiveness. But even on our last get-together trip overseas a few years ago, I recall having to consciously remind myself not to roll my eyes every time she babied him into oblivion, as if he isn’t a full-grown man.

When I raised concerns to her about him, and on during one instance, his arrogance and toxic, self-centered behavior, she brushed it off. Her defense? That he needs to be so-and-so and develop a “thick skin” because he’s in a high-stress, competitive environment. So? Aren’t doctors also in high-stress environments? Do we all have to behave that way? (Cue silence, of course.)

I know there are cultural nuances and complexities here - with us being Asian, and a glimpse of our family dynamics that are complicated as all hell. Which is why I’m posting from a dump account, and why I first tried AITA before crossposting to my home country’s version. I have an inkling of what the responses will be (and I suspect they won’t line up with what my heart hopes to hear, lol). Still, I wanted to gather a more diverse perspective. Thank you for all your insights - and rest assured, on the day of my wedding, there will be plenty of security measures in place 🤭

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is ExistingShoulder5215. They posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: cute

Original Post: August 23, 2025

This is a small issue, but I still wanted to get some opinions. My gf who I'll call Sam and I have been dating for a few years now. We live together, and when we decide to buy an item for the house, we share the expenses on said item 50/50.

Recently, a friend of ours has bought a new ice cream machine, and ever since seeing it, Sam has been asking to get one of our own, while I have been against buying one. First of all, we don't eat ice cream that often, even without the machine; in fact, I know that there is a cup full of ice cream in the freezer right now that has been sitting there unopened for quite some time now.

That is not the only reason, however, when Sam sees something like this ice cream machine, she always hypes up how she would use it all the time and how this machine could change our lives, etc., but after the initial hype fades, she never looks at it again. The same thing happened when she wanted a new fancy coffee machine, an air fryer, a bread machine, and the list goes on. She convinces me that they would be good to have around, only for them to never be used again. I told her this, and she promised that this time would be different, but that was also what she said about the coffee machine. We are doing very well financially, and the thing costs, when converted to USD, around 500$, which we can definitely afford, but then again, if no one will use it in the end, what's the point? So, AITA for not contributing to buying the machine?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Lmao you can buy an ice cream machine for $50. $100 if you splurge. $500 is insane

OOP: Ikr, hear me out though, it can make ice cream, sorbet, AND slushi

Commenter: NTA - if Sam wants to buy an ice cream machine that she won’t use, then she 100% can but leaning into consumerism just because a friend has one doesn’t seem like the best option. Maybe suggest to her that the money could be better spent on something you’d both like, but if she’s dead set on buying one then she can absolutely do that with her own money!

OOP: I don't think I've said this, but I have already told her that if she wanted it that much, she didn't need my permission to buy it. However, she still really wants me to contribute to buying this machine, like she pouts about it when I tell her that I wouldn't be contributing. I think she wants me to contribute because it's too big a commitment, and if she doesn't use it like I told her would happen, she has spent 500$ while taking all the blame of spending the money onto herself, if I contribute, now, I have also approved this item and so we share the blame when it doesn't get used.

Commenter: NTA but you're really missing out by not using the air fryer more, especially in hot weather. It can be really useful, unlike an ice cream machine.

OOP: I'll be sure to give the air fryer a second chance

Commenter: NAH and it's nice to read about a situation on this sub that's relatively universal rather than something over the top. We all do this, it's totally fair to not want the machine but it's understandable that your girlfriend wants it after seeing someone else's

OOP: Just wait till my air fryer divorces me and runs off with Sam

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: September 1, 2025 (9 days later)

Fuck the ice cream machine, no one cares about the ice cream machine. The air fryer, on the other hand, is absolutely a game changer. The first few times I've used it, everything came out undercooked because I was a dumbass and didn't know how to use the machine. Now that I've put my bigotry aside, I finally get it. The kitchen is not scorching hot, the potatoes are to die for, and the chicken is delicious. Thank you to everyone who convinced me to give this machine another try. Also, I've made my first batch of bread, and it most definitely tastes like bread, so I must have done something right.

As for the ice cream machine, I bought Sam a less expensive model for now, and we'll see if we actually use it. It's been great for now, but it's still too early to tell. Literally no one asked for an update, but since the air fryer was your guys' suggestion, I thought I owed all of you a thank you.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Now look into a rice cooker. Simple but perfect rice every time and dirt cheap.

OOP: My kitchen countertop

Commenter: I have never fucked an ice cream machine. An icecream though…

OOP: I recommend the mint chocolate ice cream, an overall surprising experience

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Live_Point_Hillo

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole r/AITAH & OOP's own page

AITA for changing my mind about my wife being a SAHM since she changed the terms?

Editor's note: FMLA = Family and Medical Leave Act

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, possible controlling behavior

Mood Spoilers: frustrating and appalling

Editor's note: OOP reinstalled his original post onto his own page as it was removed from the AITA sub. I am adding relevant comments from AITA for more context

Original Post: August 30, 2025

I (35m) have been with my wife Allie (37f) for two years, married for one and we are expecting our first child together in a few months. I also have two children (8m and 6f) from a previous relationship with Alex (32f), and we have 50/50 custody, however, Alex travels a lot for work so we have the kids more than that most of the time, so we get child support from her.

Before we got married, Allie and I spoke extensively about what we wanted, and she was adamant about being a stay at home mom. I was upfront with her that I was fine with that, we’d be able to afford it, but she would need to be a SAHM for all of the kids to be able to make it work. She agreed happily.

So as you can probably predict, she sat me down the other day and told me that she wants, at minimum, her first year as a mom to only be a SAHM to our shared baby. She said after that she can help out more with the other kids, but wants to protect her first time motherhood and said it’s her number one boundary.

I told her that would no longer work, then, I couldn’t support a family of five on just my salary without help with all of the kids. She said I needed to figure it out and respect her boundaries, but this simply won’t be possible. We have family to help for sure but she’s saying she doesn’t want to be responsible for the older kids at all the first year. Also, we want at least one more child and I’m now worried she’ll try to extend the year with another baby. She’s incredibly hurt and angry, but I don’t think it would even be possible to respect her boundaries. So would I be the asshole for reneging on my promise to let her be a stay at home mom?

Quick edit - my ex wife will be keeping the kids for two weeks after birth and has been able to be assured she wouldn’t travel for that first month of emergencies come up, I am also paying the person I currently am who picks up, watches, drops off etc the kids before and after school an additional 4 weeks after Alex already has them for 6 full weeks off from any older kid duties for Allie.

Verdict: Post Removed before Verdict Rendered

Relevant Comments

Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am posting top common questions asked and the responses

Commenter 1: NTA. Your kids are in school most of the day M-F I'd assume. That gives her 9 months to have the days with her baby and evenings and weekends she'll have your help. But I'm more concerned about the dynamic she's setting up. "Her baby" vs "Your kids." Your children will feel this dynamic very deeply, if they don't already. She will make them feel like outsiders in their own home. She will make them feel like this baby isn't really their real sibling.

This has disaster written all over it and you need to shut this down immediately. You're headed for another divorce, I'm afraid. Her mask has slipped.

OOP: I agree, and it’s so far out of left field. She loves the kids and they love her, she always loves doing things with them and planning activities. I wouldn’t have married her if she didn’t like rhem

Commenter 2: NTA. Aren’t the older two in school? So realistically she would have the entire school day just her and the baby. She’s being ridiculous. She can either enjoy several hours each day alone with her kid, and parent her step children after school as agreed, or she can put her baby in day care and miss out on all those hours while she gets a job.

OOP: Yes but they’d need to be taken to and picked up from school/ taken to their activities while I’m at work. I currently pay somebody to do this but with a new baby and without her salary I won’t be able to.

Edit: stop asking about busses. This is a private school, no busses.

Last edit: ex pays for the school tuition and I would never take my kids out of a school they love just so she could be a stay at home mom to one out of three kids.

Commenter 3: She needs to see the math and know that what she wants is not possible.

She also needs a dictionary because that not a boundary, it's a demand. A boundary is not something that can dictate anyone else's behavior.

OOP: Yes I have shown her the numbers but she wants me to make it work.

OOP on Allie's ideal plan for being a SAHM and not taking care of the older kids

OOP: She doesn’t want to do any childcare for the older kids for a year. She is getting 6 full weeks off from it after birth, but after that yes, doctors. Visits, school pickup and drop off, and childcare during and between those times I am expecting her to do

OOP shared his thoughts and options he has given Allie

OOP: Yeah. I’ve basically confronted her and told her that her options are:

1) She keeps working, I’m willing to support her for her 12 weeks of unpaid fmla, but after that the baby would go to the (not free but heavily subsidized) daycare on-site at my work, and everything else stays the same.

2) She doesn’t go back to work, and we continue paying the nanny who takes the kids to/ picks up and watches the kids after school. However, this will take up all of her “fun money” I have allocated in our new budget. Right now she waits tables some weekends and evenings to make extra money, I’m fine with her continuing to do that to make money for the extra stuff she wants to buy.

Thanks to all the comments on reddit I told her I’m not longer comfortable with the idea of her being a SAHM to my kids, she can work on rebuilding that and I know my kids still love her but a lot of comments opened my eyes.

She’s completely devastated and even tried arguing that I should stop putting money into my kids college funds so as not to take away her fun money, or (even more deranged) asking my ex wife to take the kids out of their private school to save the money we pay towards it (uniforms and activities). Just the idea of asking that from my ex is insane.

So she’s currently being pretty cold towards me (not the kids though) and I’m just so over it. We have a therapist appointment Tuesday so hopefully that will help, but she’s really fucked with my trust in her with this.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: Just a quick note Alex pays me child support, she makes quite a bit more and since she travels so much, I always agree to have the kids if she’s not in town during her parenting time. Once or twice I haven’t been able to so either her husband or my parents haven’t taken them.

Update: September 1, 2025 (two days later)

Editor's note: In the update, OOP has made over 100 comments, I am only posting the common questions asked and the responses

Update: AITA for changing my mind about my wife being a SAHM because she changed the terms?

I posted on another sub, but they locked and removed it for violating a rule that honestly I don’t think it did so yolo, you can find the other post on my profile but the gift of it is that my wife Allie and I had multiple discussions about her being a SAHM to our future kids IN ADDITION to my two kids from my previous marriage to Alex; however she recently told me that she wanted the first year of our upcoming baby’s life to be JUST a SAHM to the baby, and I told her that wouldn’t work for me or our budget.

I talked to Allie, and laid everything out. I told her that her demands were out of line and incredibly entitled, and that if she insisted on keeping them, I was no longer comfortable with her quitting her job and would not support it. Further, two weeks without my kids was ridiculous so I told her that if she went into labor during our custody time, my parents would have the older kids when we were in the hospital but I am not longer comfortable sending my kids away to their moms for two weeks. Other families don’t normally do that and I would not either. But, for the first two months of us having the baby, I would keep paying the nanny and take care of the older kids things, which is longer than I had originally agreed. Honestly, it was also more than she’d even originally agreed to, so I thought it was a fair compromise.

She lost her mind and flipped out at me, told me that I wasn’t “respecting her first time motherhood,” (wtf) and that she shouldn’t have to care for “kids I didn’t give birth to” for the first year of ‘her’ baby’s life. I was honestly over it at this point and done arguing, I told her she needed to check herself and that NONE of this was new or a surprise. If she didn’t want to do it she shouldn’t have agreed to it, and her being a stay at home mom was off the table.

To be clear, I know I could make it work with just my salary. BUT it would mean taking the funds I would allocate towards her “fun money” for things like shooing, self care etc. and I’m not comfortable telling an adult dependent on me financially that she couldn’t have a choice for fun money. I showed her the budget, which backfired because she said that I didn’t need to defund her fun money and gave me a few “solutions” which were:

- Take the older kids out of private school and ask my ex to give us that money in child support instead. - Stop putting money into my older kids college fund - Selling my boat

Those were her solutions. None of which have her sacrificing anything, only me and or my kids, and the first one was so unreasonable I could only imagine how that conversation with my ex would go. She’d laugh me out of the country lol. I told Allie all of that was unreasonable and a non-starter, and honestly just made me see where her priorities are.

So yeah, I told her that if she couldn’t agree to common sense compromises I could no longer trust her to be a SAHM to our older kids, that there was zero daylight in how much I cared about my older kids vs our shared baby and had to protect them both equally. The fact that she thought it was reasonable to stop saving for my older kids college while still giving her money for Botox and highlights showed me where her priorities would lie if she no longer brought in income. I said I was no longer comfortable with her quitting her job, and that since my work has (not free but heavily reduced) daycare onsite, that would be the best option for our family after her fmla leave (she doesn’t get paid maternity leave, just unpaid up to three months which will be fine).

She’s devastated and being cold towards me, but surprisingly not my kids which is good. I don’t want to kill her dreams of being a SAHM, but I can’t work with someone who refuses to be reasonable. We discussed it with our therapist last week, who wasn’t exactly on my side obviously but was trying to point out the unfairness, and she just keeps saying she needs me to prioritize her needs and boundaries. The therapist even tried explaining that these are not boundaries but she’s not listening.

So in summary: I tried reasoning with my wife, she tried convincing me to stop saving for college for the older kids to pay for their nanny so she could only be a SAHM to our shared baby, and I told her I no longer thought it would work for her to be a SAHM. She’s devastated but we’re working it out with our therapist and I’m hoping this is all just hormones.

Edit to add one quick thing: I’ve known Allie since freshman year biology. We never dated until a few years ago but we’ve always remained friends. I have known her and this behavior is all so new. She loved being a bonus mom, would be excited for the kids to come over for extra time, and would even ask me to ask my ex if she could have them randomly if she wanted to take a day off and go swimming or to the zoo or something. I’ve asked her for all to her doctor about this and she’s yelled at me about it. I have no clue to what to do.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Please go see a lawyer and figure out how to protect you and maybe making other college funds into a trust so can’t be touched etc . She is going to stay home with the baby no matter what and will Start rejecting your bio kids when she doesn’t get her way

OOP: My kids college and savings are in trusts, we had a prenuptial agreement as well so I’m not too worried about

Commenter 2: Looks like divorce #2 is fast approaching

OOP: I’m hoping to avoid that, she’s never been like this and it’s so far out the norm I even asked her to talk to her doctor about it, but she thinks she’s just being reasonable and setting boundaries.

Commenter 3: Please check in with your older children regularly to ensure that her behavior towards them has not changed when you are not present.

OOP: That’s the thing. She’s still wonderful to them. They see a therapist as well (just monthly, you know since the divorce we wanted to make sure they were ok) and it’s like when they’re not around she’s a different person. It’s hard to explain how it’s such a reversal to people that don’t know her but she was so lovely with them until she got pregnant.

Commenter 4: NTA. I have a blended family, have a baby and two step daughters with my husband. Not even for one minute after I gave birth did I bar my stepdaughters from being here. Or would ever do so…this is as much their home as it is mine/my son’s. She is being very unreasonable. You are offering viable common sense solutions, and honestly being very generous with fun money. I’ve never been a SAHM but I would be gracious. I hope for your sake this is just hormones. But I’m also pregnant and know when my hormones are getting the best of me. Hope you guys work this out. She sounds very selfish. When you marry someone with children you kind of lose the option to be a “one child parent” your first go round. She should take your feelings and care for your older children as a good sign that her baby will be well cared for by you.

OOP: This is how she used to talk. She is weirdly still excited about the kids meeting the new baby, but keeps talking about bizarre boundaries. You seem like a good stepmom I know it’s probably not an easy thing and I tell her that all the time. Luckily our blended family has had no drama until this, my ex and her husband have been very supportive of us having more kids and have been willing to help but she keeps saying they need to do more.

Commenter 5: What is the compromise you are willing to make for your wife so she can have your a baby and have some bonding time with the three of you. You seem very intent on not making any compromises.

OOP: I have made many. I fund much more of our life, I’ll be cutting my own spending money and have been since we found out we’re expecting, and have quit two hobbies of mine due to the money and time commitment. What more do you want me to do, other than apparently stop caring for my older children?

Commenter 6: I don’t think this is a matter of putting her first above your kids. I would never put my new partner above my kids but the truth is my partner has a kid and he is not responsible for my kids. He gets along with them and loves them but it simply isn’t close to how he loves his kid. The ferocity of feelings about a new baby is intense that’s why I try to offer insight into what she is thinking and feeling.

Again I am not saying the solution is to not save for your kids college. That’s not my point. My point is: she is looking at a situation of being the only mom to a baby. That’s something you can sympathize with and that sympathy might help her feel like you understand she is going to be a SAHM to three kids which is more than most first time moms have to deal with.

You chose to have another family so the demands are more on you. How can you force her to work? How would that realistically happen? Use your paternity leave to take in the brunt of the caretaking for your kids before you go back to work. What does her being a SAHM to your kids look like? They are older and more independent. But does she have to drive them around? Prepare meals? Perhaps there are ways you can help that feel less overwhelming. Maybe you meal prep on the weekends so dinner isn’t overwhelming. This kind of stuff.

OOP: That's the thing. She doesn't want me to focus on the older kids when I'm on pat leave, she wants me to only focus on her which is why she doesn't want them here. Obviously I would be here for her and the baby but that request is outlandish. I've already outlined what being a SAHM to all three kids would look like, numerous times, but yes it would involved transportation when I'm working. We split cooking pretty equally and I like cooking so that wouldn't have been an issue. I also do most of the cleaning of the house. It doesn't matter, because the option for her to be a SAHM is off the table due to her antics. She's broken my trust. I know I can't force her to work realistically, but if she were to quit her job without us coming to an agreement, I would be filing for divorce. She's already broken my trust but that would 100% destroy it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/litneyspears12

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for forcing a sale on a home my maniac mother and I own 50/50 because of how she treated my gf and kid?

Trigger Warnings: struggles with poverty, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, fears of homelessness

Mood Spoilers: appalling, but happy end

Original Post: March 26, 2025

This is an extremely long and complicated story but I hope you guys stay with me as I try to navigate this as best as I can with timelines and details on things.

Apologies for my English in advance as well. Will also put a TLDR at the bottom.

Here we go… My mother has been abusive, impulsive and controlling for as long as I can remember. Every relationship she’s ever had has been demolished to bits because of her behavior towards others - colleagues, siblings, my dad (her ex husband), friends and the list goes on.

So 3 years ago I got a job opportunity in a different country (one where we have a lot of family which has been awesome) and I decided to take it because I was excited for the opportunity to be closer to them and experience life living in a different continent.

While I was settling into my new life, my mother (who is retired) visited shortly after and urged that she will buy a home near my apartment and move to said country when that’s not possible due to immigration laws (you need a long term visa not a tourist visa for extended stay). Her ego didn’t allow no for an answer so she bought a beautiful beach front property anyway in hopes for citizenship which is fine legally… but you will only be allowed up to 90 days and potentially 180 if you extend. She couldn’t believe what the case officer and lawyer she hired were saying and she started berating them on how much money she will donate to society with her housing purchases and so on. When reality set in after a few failed meetings - we decided it’s best if I live in the property to keep it together, pay the bills and she can visit whenever with zero worries about it being vacant.

Fast forward some time - I meet my girlfriend, we become serious and she moves in after a while and my mother is happy about how things are going for me in all aspects of life. She FaceTimes with us regularly and really takes a liking to her. After some time, my girlfriend becomes pregnant and we announce the news to my mother. She’s extremely happy and gifts me 50% of the home she purchased as a present to us. Which is the nicest and most generous thing anyone has ever done for me. Something I never saw coming.

Last summer she visited and planned to stay with us for 6 months to help us out before and after the baby is born which was very kind, but this is where the story turns for the worse.

A week or two into her visiting last summer while my gf is 6-7 months pregnant. She goes absolutely nuclear on me in front of my gf because I asked her a simple question (privately over text earlier in the day) about not announcing our family (more specifically her) financial situation to the entire world. She likes to brag to people about how much she makes without working, the values of her homes, etc.. That type of stuff makes me uncomfortable because I’ve always been a private person and I don’t want people getting the wrong impression of me or her if that makes any sense. (And for some random context - she is the most paranoid person on the planet when she’s not in a showing off mood. Constantly thinks her phone is being hacked, traced and is always reporting random shit to the FBI because she has a fear of people getting her money. She only uses the phone when she’s in her room on her WiFi… otherwise it’s off essentially 21 hours a day. She’s even reported some of her friends to the police or FBI because she accused them of stealing money from her bank accounts or “attempting to”).

And for the record — my mother, father and I NEVER had money growing up. My father always worked an honest job and so did I when I finished college 10 years ago. She recently came into wealth after a gigantic inheritance from a wealthy family friend who passed way 5 years ago because she essentially manipulated and swindled her way into marriage with him to collect all his assets, retirement accounts, homes and everything he accumulated before he passed away in 2020.

During our fight last summer - she kept saying how she is kicking us out, we need to get our own place, we’re making her sick and she could end up in the hospital from all the stress we are causing her when we are literally at work all day before coming home and leaving at times like any regular person would do. My gf became frightened of her for good reason because my mother was basically screaming for 2 days straight.

She then suddenly books a flight back to her country and leaves a note and says to look for a new home and new car to buy but we have to leave the property by said date. After a week or two she reaches out and asks I send her listings and cars… in which I didn’t because she’s just using that as a ploy to be on good terms so instead I am focusing on my career and the health of my gf because it was getting tough the last couple of weeks before birth.

Fast forward to 3 months after my kid is born, she comes back to help out during the holidays snd plans to stay for 6 months again. We were iffy on the entire thing based off what happened 6 months prior but i was trying to persuade my GF that maybe with her grandchild here she won’t cause issues for anyone because it’s a special time for all of us.

The first four weeks are good, but not great but we are not expecting much with her around. Like I said before - she is overly controlling, constantly overstepping boundaries and the worst part is constantly trying to teach us how to parent instead of letting us come into our roles.

The part that broke my communication with her and others who know her is what I’m about to tell you next —

For the holidays we visit my gf’s family 2 hours away for a week. My mother has met her parents before but during this trip she just turned into a completely different person - she hardly spoke to them when she was being hosted by them and even would blatantly ignore her other family members that tried to interact with her during Xmas. She kept trying to take our baby off the hands of people and she wouldn’t participate in anything we are doing (dinner, games, trivia, gift opening, etc). She eventually left Xmas earlier and went back to my GFs parents house without telling anyone so I had to cover for her and tell everyone she is feeling sick.

The next morning she is calling me at 4am screaming on the phone about how she hates my gf, her family and she wants to leave ASAP. I can’t even get a word on the phone in before she demands being picked up. I drive to pick her up and she’s standing outside with her luggage in the dark demanding to take the train back home. So I tell her there’s no trains this early and if she really wants to do that then she has to wait at the home we are staying in.

I bring her home and my gf casually says “hi. What’s going on?” While holding our infant daughter and my mother snapped, lunged and screamed profanities about how she will never see the inside of our home again, me or our family. My gf clearly confused and shaken is wondering what’s going on as I stepped between them and pushed my mother and her stuff into the car before going off on her about how she will never threaten my gf especially while she’s holding our daughter. I dropped her at the train station and left to get back to my gf about everything because she was clearly shaken as was I.

After a few days and threatening texts from my mother, she is saying how she’s changed the locks and we will never go inside of the home again. she is demanding we collect our personal belongings (which is like 95% of what’s in the home). So my friends and I go over to pack and she’s in our home with some neighbors (people I know she’s HARDLY spoken to) for reasons I don’t understand still. As I’m leaving I blast what her for what she did to make sure the neighbors know what type of person she is. A psycho who will go to extreme lengths with zero regard for anyone but herself. My family and I were lucky enough to have shelter for 2 weeks until we could finally secure the 1 apartment that was available during the holiday season.

2.5 months has gone by (she traveled back to the states early January) and 2 neighbors have been going into my home to collect mine and my girlfriends mail because neither of them won’t give me the new keys to my own fucking house because they fear my mother over doing what’s morally and legally right for my family and I.

It’s honestly been hell the last 3-4 months with the stress from that, working full time, trying to keep my gf’s spirits high and keeping some structure and routine for our child as we are living in a crammed tiny apartment because we had no other options during the obvious slow holiday season.

I’ve consulted a lawyer and we are doing a forced sale through the courts which she doesn’t know about yet and I am getting a locksmith to change the locks so I have keys and rightful access to my own home again. I don’t give a shit if she shows up here and can’t get into the home because the locks are changed.

AITAH for forcing a sale on the home to cut ties permanently?

TLDR: my psycho mother gifted me 50% of a home as a gift, months later - threatened my gf verbally and almost physically while she was holding our baby, changed the locks and almost left us homeless, fled the country and left keys to our neighbors who won’t give us access to our own home. Consulted a lawyer and we forcing a sale through the courts and I’m getting a locksmith to change the locks and regain my access before the sale.

If you read this entire story; i love you. If you read the TLDR; i still love you.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: My question is do you have aanything written out or anything legal a form anything that says that your mother gave you 50% of the house?

OOP: Yes. It’s an updated home document (idk the name in English but) that highlights ownership and percentages!

Commenter 2: NTA In the least. You owe 50% of the home. I’m not sure what the laws are for where you are but she shouldn’t have legally been able to change the locks or keep you out. Force the sale and cut off the toxic parent. She’s too big a risk of harm to you, your partner and your child. Her screaming like that can have an impact on all of you. Especially with your little one so small.

OOP: 1000% agree with you. I suffered a lot of those tantrums (same with my siblings and other family members) growing up and I don’t want my gf, my kid or her family to ever have to endure that.

Commenter 3: It sounds like your mother has serious mental issues. She reminds me of my son's girlfriend, mother of two of my grandchildren who she ditched when they were 3 & 5 and fled the state having stolent jewelry, art work, furniture and collectibles. She would create a situation of utter chaos, making the whole family miserable, because then she felt like she was in control. We lived with her for 10 years and the last 5 were complete and utter hell.

You are doing absolutely the right thing forcing the sale of this property. You're completely within your legal rights and you're doing what's necessary. When you get settled in your new place, make sure your mother doesn't know where it is. Any meetings in future, it must be a neutral place. And don't inflict her on your extended family. She is not their burden to carry.

Once this sale and relocation are complete, you'll be able to have peace and take care of your family the way you need to. A restart, if you will. Good luck and best wishes -- please give your little girl and her mom and big hug and a kiss from all of use her at reddit.

OOP: Yes, unfortunately I’ve been hearing that a lot recently. From family members, my lawyer and other people I’ve spoken to about the situation or that have known her some time.

And wow - that sounds exactly like what I went through. It’s always normal, utter chaos and then her just fleeing…

And yes I agree with you on a fresh start once the sale is complete! Thank you for the kind words.

Commenter 4: NTA AND You finally stood up for yourself Go on with your life without her Is your father still alive?

OOP: Yes but he lives on a different continent (he returned to his homeland) ever since he retired some years ago.

Update: September 1, 2025 (5.5 months later)

UPDATE: AITAH for forcing a sale on a home my maniac mother and I own 50/50 because of how she treated my gf and kid?

Hi Everyone!

Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/6aeRkWP1PS

As noted in part 1 (recap) - my mother and I had a huge blowout early in the year which resulted in me getting a lawyer and selling our co owned home that we shared 50/50. It was a landslide in court based off the fact she acted in bad faith towards residents (she’s a tourist) of the country my family and I live in.

With my lawyer we drafted a statement and provided a ton of evidence on the situation which made it easy for them to decide. She had zero legal representation during the back and forth and she even admitted to the judge she needed to throw us out forcefully and immediately because we were “rude” and “stressed her out” with our “nonsense”.

She admitted to changing the locks on us and handing keys to the neighbors to prevent us from entering and potentially “damaging the home”. Like… What? Why would we do that? That’s OUR home that we started raising our family in.

The courts laid out all her bad faith acts and illegalities because we have strict rights as tenants and even more so because we have a child.

The court didn’t take lightly to her harming us and borderline making us homeless in the winter time before finding housing. My forced court sale was approved immediately and she was ordered to pay a fine, my legal fees and hand over the keys to our place within 24 hours.

She sent a letter to the court demanding I pay her for travel expenses (tickets, trains, etc) because she had no idea she was being taken to court. The court denied, clearly.

The drama didn’t end there. Our home took a bit of a hit because the market is bad, but I didn’t care because I just wanted to get out of this mess and get my money. But in the end, my lawyer emailed both of us that it was sold and the deposit by the new tenant was paid so the home will be theirs on October 1st.

When that email came in, my mother lost her mind and sent my lawyer and I about 5 frantic emails stating that price is “unacceptable” and it needs to be “voided ASAP” because now she wants to keep the home (huh?!).

Court orders don’t work like that as you all know - they are final. No ifs, ands or buts. She was even on record in 3 different documents to the court that she came back to sell the place but didn’t realize the home had a court order hold on it because I filed for it through my lawyer months ago.

Some of the emails she sent my lawyer and I were her offering me double the money if she can keep the place because “it will not be let go at that price”, “how could you sell it for 40% less than I paid for? Void it now!!”, etc.

She even went as far as asking for the information for the new tenant to contact him…

My mother contacted our family back home and berated me again as she has for 9-10 months now. And my aunts and cousins told her “he did what he had to protect his family and you should honestly give him the rest of the money from the sale because you clearly don’t need it. He has a family to support and that was his home to begin with. That’s where his life is” she called them all “backstabbing bastards” and then hung up lol.

I will receive a nice payout in a few weeks and she will lose about 2.5x what I will get.

That’s a lesson to you, mother. You took it too far this time.

(Sorry for my English or if this is a bit hard to follow. I’m just excited this is over and I finally feel like I can breathe again)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Yes, she got what she deserved. Now it’s time for you to cut her off completely. You got your pay, she got less than and now she never gets to see you, your girlfriend and your daughter. That would honestly be the cherry on top.😂😂

Commenter 2: Was gonna say just this, time to cut her off because she's unpredictable and toxic AF.

OOP: 9 months no contact so far!

Commenter 3: The fact that she has been abusive and toxic most of OP’s life, is leaving me wondering why he didn’t cut her off earlier. Since all of her relationships failed and in OP’s own words ”were demolished to bits”.

OOP: Yeah I’ve tried it a few times in the past but she’s good at manipulating for long enough for you to believe something has changed. Shame on me honestly.

Commenter 4: The housing market being down should be a good thing for you.

You owned 50%, you were gifted that 50%. If all properties are worth less it means you can probably afford a better house than you could in a hot market, you have a nice down payment.

OOP: You have a great point. Didn’t think about it like that!

Commenter 5: I would force a sale of the house take your belongings out of it and never let your gf and child interact with this woman again. I would seriously consider whether you want to interact with her again.

But you knew what she was like and she showed you what it was going to be like when you were pregnant and you failed to support your gf and provide a stable home environment for him, one free from your mother. Shame on you.

OOP: Everything’s sorted. No contact for 9 months, home sold, and the bank wire comes in 3 weeks.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/capuchino124

Originally posted to r/AITAH

My husband prefers to be with his parents rather than with me and our baby.

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, possible PPD, spouse and child neglect

Mood Spoilers: infuriating

Original Post: August 7, 2025

I come here to vent, I have seen so many stories that I thought many were made up but I can't stand this pain anymore.

In order not to be so obvious, I will not use names other than Erick for my husband's name.

I am a 27-year-old woman and my husband, who we will call Erick, is 25. We met at university and although not everything was so nice in our relationship, we were able to move forward, we got married and recently had a baby. My husband has the habit of living with his parents. Being an only child, he wants to be with them all the time. Okay, I understand, but since we moved in with them, life has become hell for me, starting with them not knowing the meaning of privacy and coming into our room whenever they want.

On many occasions I have had to change my clothes, even putting them on backwards. I have communicated this discomfort to him but he simply does nothing. On one occasion, his father even came in when he was practically without clothes. I had to quickly cover myself and he left the room anyway, it's annoying but he's used to having his life invaded like this, the dogs they have at home are very dirty and the doctor already prohibited us from having animals near our baby but far from my husband understood why he got angrier and preferred to ignore the doctor. It is worth mentioning that my baby has sensitive skin and is allergic to dog hair, in addition to doing his business inside the house, especially in the kitchen since they make him sleep there due to the cold.

Last Sunday our baby ran out of milk because I don't have enough so she has mixed breastfeeding, that morning I didn't get up in a good mood.... and after seeing that she didn't have milk I became desperate because of her crying since days ago I had told her that there wasn't much left in the bottle, she got upset and just decided to ignore me. I want to mention that I don't work because I couldn't finish my degree and I was planning to do it next year since I only have one more year left. I sat on the bed crying helplessly as I couldn't buy the jar of milk for him myself and had to wait for him to give me the money or at least buy it himself. The problem arises when my mother-in-law enters the room as always without knocking and repeats to me that breakfast was served for a while. I had no head to eat.

First it was my baby's crying... and I want to mention that when I get depressed my body doesn't eat anything, I feel bad and on many occasions I even vomit. Going back to the story, I told her that I wouldn't eat it that I would go get the milk, I told her in a low voice because I had already cried and was depressed about what was happening, she left and then came back in and started yelling at me telling me that I am inconsiderate, that I always behave like this and that she is not there to put up with my whims, that I should go and don't stop me.....

Erick, upon seeing his mother's reaction, simply threw the suitcase at me and told me to pack your things, believe me, I froze... but he insisted and told me that it was all my fault that I can't even give enough breast milk to my baby, that was the last time I insulted his family and that I should hurry up and pack everything so that he would stop bothering his parents, they don't know the pain of his words... I simply packed everything I could and put it in the car that he lent me from his parents and we went down to my apartment, I stayed crying while he left.

On the way back to his house to return his father's car, that afternoon I cried until I was tired, when he arrived he didn't speak to me and just slept in the living room. I insisted on talking but he just told me that he was sick of me and that he just wanted me to come back to my parents' house, they live in another state. I started to cry and asked him to talk, it's been 3 days and today I tried again, but it was worse, he told me that he didn't love me, that he didn't consider me his family and that his grandmother had complained that he was kicking her out of the house, I told him that the grandmother thing was a lie that even he was there... but he acted crazy and just said, I can't take your side because they are my family, that hurt me even more since I felt it. betrayed.... but on top of that he also told me that his parents will withdraw their support if he continues with me, I want to clarify that he still has his thesis to finish and his parents are paying his graduation expenses.

I just cried and he just looked at me and said go with your parents and take the baby, I'm looking for a woman who wants to live in my parents' and grandparents' house, I want to live with my parents and work there with them, you're not wife material, go with yours and make your life so I can make mine, I'll send you money for the baby's expenses and that's it.

I couldn't believe it, I was a crumb for 4 days begging him even though the mistake was his parents' and I was still to blame for it, I'm devastated... I already bought my plane ticket for me and my baby, I don't know what to do or how to tell my parents that they voted for me.

Today he packed his things and went to his parents' house despite everything I told him and begged him... he didn't care. I feel stupid for waiting for him to walk through that door and hug me.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You’re not stupid. you’re a mom doing her best while your husband chose comfort and his parents over you and your baby. That’s not love, that’s abandonment. Go where you’re respected and supported. You and your child deserve peace, not pain. You’ve got this.

OOP: It hurts me that he didn't take my side and even more that he left. I don't know where that sweet man was who promised to always be by my side.

Commenter 2: NTA. He chose his parents over you and your baby, then blamed you for his family's disrespect. you deserve so much better

OOP: Lose... but it still hurts me because I really love him, I left my family on the other side of the country so he wouldn't leave his, even when I had the baby and I bled during childbirth, he just said... okay, now get over it

Commenter 3: NTA Divorce this manchild so he can stay with mommy and daddy full time. The child support you'll get from him will be more help for you than what you're getting right now.

Update #1: August 8, 2025 (next day)

My husband prefers to be with his parents instead of me and our baby update

Hello friends, thank you for your advice, today he came in his parents' car and took us to our baby's physical therapy session, but he took advantage of the fact that he was not at home to pick up all his things from the apartment. I'm not going to deny that not seeing her clothes or her things hurt me, I cried until I got married on a call with my sister.

When he came to drop us off after physical therapy I wanted to talk to him, I wanted him to come to his senses and see that I just wanted to keep our family together but he just left me there crying standing at the door waiting for him to turn around and regret this decision. I know that I lost my pride for begging him to stay but I really love him and he just left me there, I sent him messages and the only thing he told me is that he has already made his decision and he will not go back, you don't know how much pain I felt... but as my sister told me this pain will pass and he will have to come back, but when he wants to come back I don't know if I will be with him... at the moment I am devastated and I spoke to my mother to have moral support, I feel that alone I fall more into anxiety.

Relevant Comment

Commenter 1: Hun, I just read your first post. Holy shit. I’m so sorry. You not having enough milk is not your fault. Your husband and his family should have considered the fact that stress can lead to a smaller supply. This “man” is still acting like a child. Being with mommy and daddy. He’s a grown man with a family and a child. His running away like a little shit head is unacceptable. When you get married and become a parent your partner and child come before everything. He probably doesn’t see it and may never see it, but he is making the biggest mistake of his life. I know that you want that family unit, but sometimes it’s better for them to walk away. You haven’t done anything wrong. You expressed your feelings and wanting to stay together and he is walking away from it. Your baby doesn’t want or deserve to see his dad treat his mom poorly. Make sure you keep reaching out to your sister and mom for support. Maybe get into some therapy to help with the stress of motherhood and the husband situation. It will all work out. You don’t deserve a husband treats you and lets his mother treat you badly. Spend time with your family and baby. You deserve the absolute best. Hope you are enjoying those baby cuddles.

OOP: I would like to be strong for my baby... although sometimes all this got to me, I can't be the woman he wants me to be, I promised myself never to let anyone walk on me but by loving him so much I lost my self-esteem, I wonder if one day he will regret all this.

Update #2: August 18, 2025 (10 days later)

My husband prefers to be with his parents than with me and our baby update 2

Hello everyone, I missed a while but I was very depressed, last week I took a flight to get to my parents' house, he signed the travel authorization and here I am at my parents' house. I was able to talk more in depth about this topic with my mother and she advised me to let things go and that one day he will regret it and come back but a week has passed, he has not returned and he barely talks to me to find out how our baby is doing.

I am desperate, it is painful for me to see that from one day to the next my marriage, my family was destroyed by my in-laws. I was left devastated, I know that I must move forward but it is difficult, it still hurts me to know that my partner, the one I chose for life, has betrayed me in that way.

Even so, I decided to go ahead and look for a job and ask my father to help me finish my studies. I don't want to remain stuck in depression, thanks to everyone who advised me.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: You’re really strong for choosing to move forward despite the pain—keep focusing on yourself and your baby.

Commenter 2: Sis, you need therapy. The level of betrayal is devastating. You need help to sort out your feelings and move on to the next phrase of your life without the drama. Good luck. DO NOT RUN BACK TO THAT “man” nothing will change.

Commenter 3: I know your in-laws didn’t help but he obviously chose to abandon his wife & baby to remain a spoiled man-child. I know you’re hurt but you & baby are worth so much more than this! I don’t know where you are but I’d see a lawyer & discuss how to protect yourself & your baby so he can’t come back & take either of you. If you return to that house they will continual treat you horribly. I wish you well in your studies & a good life for you both! NTA.

Commenter 4: He destroyed the marriage not your in laws. He isn't mature or grown up and as time goes by you will be happier without him.

Update #3: September 1, 2025 (two weeks later)

Hello everyone, thank you for such nice messages, these days I was very depressed, I decided to make zero contact with him and I have not heard from him for more than two weeks, my older brother is very upset.... my parents told me not to ask for a pension since I have their support, he just continued with his life as a friend told me, it still hurts me and about the postpartum depression I think it did because it was not easy for me not being able to breastfeed my baby well and the constant pressure from my in-laws, or well ex-in-laws, I plan to open a cafeteria with a very good friend, my baby is improving thanks to physical therapy but now I have to return to the city where I lived with him to pick up my things and move near my parents.

I know that this will happen at some point, I don't know if he will repent one day but I don't want to fall again and forgive him, I won't deny that I felt tempted to call him and ask him to reconsider that we still have time but there is no point in turning back...

I want to heal my soul and focus on my baby and moving forward, I am afraid of the things he will say because his family, although they are fanatical Christians, are hypocrites.

I already found out that his mother wants to pair him with her best friend's daughter and that felt like a betrayal, I will be telling you as time passes about my decision and what happens. It's not easy but I don't want to cry for him anymore.

My mom told me to make myself prettier and more alive for me and my baby so he realizes that he made the worst decision of his life although I don't know if one day he will regret it. Thank you all for listening to me

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Go for the pension. Offer to have him terminate his rights for a settlement. You do not want him to have mommy suddenly decide that once he gets with someone whom she deems acceptable, that the perfect thing would be to take custody of your child away from you so they can be a happy family. Also, have others go get your things when you're ready. Do not go alone and if possible, let them handle it. You do not need the stress. Start speaking with a counselor/therapist to help you process what you're going through. You may not think so, but you've got this. I completely understand the breastfeeding emotions as I never actually developed milknst all with my son. I promise it gets better.

OOP: Thank you very much for the advice... I feel bad and the worst mother in the world for not being able to give milk to my baby, his words echo in my head on that topic and it hurts me

OOP explains the reasons for not being able to breastfeed and not receving enough milk

OOP: I had an emergency cesarean section and after a month I had gallbladder surgery. With so much medication and diet, my milk decreased and after the operations I could no longer recover well.

Commenter 2: Why would you not get a pension from your ex husband? You and your baby are entitled to that money.

OOP: He always belittles me because I demanded that I work to have a better future and the truth is I don't want his family to invent that even though they are separated they keep me.

OOP should consider about going to therapy in order to receive proper resources

OOP: I tried to go to therapy but I still don't feel good leaving the house, even when I take my baby for his physical therapy I see so many couples together facing the difficulties of their babies as a family and I don't understand why he didn't want to do that, it was so easy to choose his parents and it made us even come to envy those parents who would give everything for their babies, I won't deny that since pregnancy I cried and had a very bad time, even worse when I found out that my baby had the cord in his neck, I felt that everything that happened to him was my fault and his complaints made me feel worse

Commenter 3: The best revenge is being happy and thriving. Show him what he's going to miss out on. You can do this op!!!! Show him you don't need him, that he's insignificant in your life. Go out there and start your business, I hope it does well. And just be the best mother you can. Make him regret his actions. We're all behind you. Go show him what you've got!!!!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Thowayay88

My girlfriend [23F] broke up with me [27M] last week, but she still expects me to give her a ride home for thanksgiving

TRIGGER WARNING: Entitlement, manipulation

MOOD SPOILER: Outrageous but ends positive

Original Post - rareddit Nov 11, 2017

Prior to breaking up last Wednesday, my girlfriend [23F] and I [27M] had been together for just over three years.

Up until this past August, she lived in Georgia, about two hours away from where I was living in South Carolina.

In August, she moved up to NY for graduate school, and in order to be closer to her, I found a job and moved to DC.

Things had been a bit rough in the months leading up to August, and the stress of moving and starting grad school/ a new job certainly didn't help things.

Given the rough few months we had had, she was left questioning whether or not she still wanted to be in a relationship with me. She voiced her uncertainty to me on the phone last Monday, and expressed to me that she had a strong desire to go out and have some experiences with other men. To go on dates, and see what else was out there.

I told her this wasn't at all what I wanted. That I wanted to work through these hard times together. She responded by saying if she didn't go out and have these experiences, even if things improved, she would always regret it. And that's where we left things.

When we spoke the next day, she had decided she wanted to come down to SC and spend a few days with me for thanksgiving break, before returning home to visit her family. There was one catch though.

On Friday the 17th (im driving from DC to SC on the 16th for my bday/thanksgiving break) I was going to have to drive two hours from my home in SC to pick her up from the airport in NC, and then two hours back. The following monday, I would have to drive her two hours from home to take her to GA to be with her family, and two hours back. Then, Sunday after thanksgiving I'd have to go two hours out of my way and pick her back up in GA, and then have her ride with me all the way back to DC, where she would fly out to NY.

At this point, I voiced my confusion given the conversation from the previous day. She said she thought one positive experience together could really turn things around, and that she wanted to give it a shot. She had the flight up and ready to book, and there was only one seat left, so despite my voicing my desire to talk things out first, she went ahead and booked it.

The next day, I tried to talk to her about her desire to date other men, and about how we could improve our relationship and work through the rough times we had been having, and it ultimately led to her breaking up with me.

Since then, we haven't had all that much communication. She has ignored most of my texts and the ones she has responded to, she's been rather rude/mean. I pointed this out, and her response was "it's unreasonable of you to expect us to be friendly right now. It's too soon". Which honestly, I understand. She's right.

Then, she texts me and tells me that she still needs me to pick her up and take her home, and that she still needs to ride with me back to DC. She doesn't have the money to change her flight, and she doesn't have anyone else to pick her up.

I told her I didn't feel I owed her that, as she broke up with me. She pointed out that I had committed to coming, which I most certainly had. I asked her if I was willing to come, if she would be able to set aside her anger for a few hours and be friendly, and she said she would do her best to be cordial, but being friendly was too much to ask. She said she would sit in the back and work the whole ride.

My question is, do I still owe it to her to go and pick her up? Would it be selfish of me to tell her she needed to work this out on her own? I really don't want to leave her stranded, but I don't feel this is really my responsibility anymore. What do I do here?

TL:DR - my gf broke up with me and still expects me to give her a ride to and from the airport, and I'm not sure what to do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CannibalBun

Dont drive her. She can get an uber or lyft. She broke up with you and doesnt want to get back together. Shes saying things like "this experience might bring me back to you/might make our relationship better" is a manipulation tactic to get you to drive her around. Dont fall for it.

Allyfr0mCali

Exactly. Yet she doesn't want to talk to him or sit in the front seat the whole way there and back?? Yes, an experience like that would definitely bring you two closer.. Smh

~

watever1010

She can take a bus from Charlotte to GA. It's not that hard. She can also take a bus from GA to DC. She sounds very entitled and literally told you she will try to be cordial while treating you like her personal chauffeur. Just say no!

MarcusAurelius78

Lol it’s insane isn’t it? How does OP not realize he’s being used here. She literally hasn’t offered gas, any expenses, doesn’t care that he won’t be able to rest properly during break because of driving her, and she STILL has the nerve to tell him she won’t be friendly the whole ride.

Haha JESUS DUDE get out of this relationship ASAP!

OOP updated the Next Day (Nov 12, 2017) /Same Post

Update : whoa! I was not expecting this many replies. Thank you all so much for your input. It is greatly appreciated. To those of you that have said I'm being a doormat, you are 100% correct. And I have been for.....yeah pretty much our entire relationship. I try my best to be kind to people regardless of how they treat me, but at some point you have to have a little self respect.

Anyhow, I had pretty much decided not to pick her up prior to seeing all of your replies, and reading through them has solidified my decision.

I just texted her saying "Given the fact that you just broke up with me, and that in your own words "it's too early to expect to be friendly with one another", I'm not okay with coming to pick you up on Friday, or taking you to DC on Sunday. Sitting in a car with you for 20+ hours when you can't even be friendly with me will only make it harder for me to recover from this breakup, and I'm not willing to do that to myself. I hope you are able to find another way home, and I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving with your family. Sorry for any inconvenience this causes. Best of luck to you.

I didn't have it in me to be rude to her, but I got the message across nonetheless.

Thanks again for the replies. Y'all are awesome.

FINAL COMMENTS

Shannogins115

Did she reply back at all? Also good for you!!

OOP

She did not. She's usually pretty avoidant when she's upset, so I don't expect to hear anything back from her

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OOP. The OOP for this post is u/throwrafarthest. Her posts were made to r/OpenChristian, r/Christianity, & r/fednews for opinions from federal workers. OOP made all updates to her post as edits to the same post (hence why all links direct to the same post)

Trigger Warning: religious excommunication, politics

Mood Spoiler: unfortunate situation, but hopefully for OOP for the future

Original Post (March 31st, 2025):

I'm writing this because of a recent situation that led to my dad being suspended from duties in the church where he resided for over 10 years, and dad told us (I have two younger brothers) during a family meeting last week. We didn’t go to church this Sunday because of what happened too. My parents are leaders in our church, and leaders often do the post-worship announcements about church programs/upcoming events before the tithe baskets are passed and the pastor speaks. Our church is pretty big with two services, and the incident happened when dad did the announcements last week.

Announcements usually follow a pattern of briefing the congregation on events before asking all first-time visitors to stand and receive a brochure while being welcomed by the congregation. If there is anyone visibly wearing a military uniform (or someone having alerted the church to the fact that their military relative was home for the week), they ask that person to stand which usually results in a standing ovation. We didn’t have anyone from the military last week, but my dad asked if any federal workers were present to have them stand before saying that God's in control and will never leave them no matter how bleak things seem, and he also thanked them for their service to our country. When dad explained his motivation at our family meeting, he said he felt God put it on his heart to honor federal workers the same way our church honored medical workers during covid (once services resumed) by having nurses stand for recognition. He also said he felt led to reassure them that they were appreciated amidst everything going on in the federal government.

However, dad was talked to by one of the assistant pastors during the week and was told that he shouldn't have done that. My dad disagrees because the main pastor often talks about letting the Lord dictate the service regardless of premade plans, and other leaders have followed that creed. For example, there are days when worship is really powerful, and the pastor will have the band sing a few more songs than originally planned or have an impromptu altar call for something God puts on his heart. There are times when someone gives a prophetic word in tongues (a different language) that are also impromptu, and a leader/pastor will often elaborate on it afterward. Going back to dad, he said he's been considering leaving the church for some time and that now was perhaps God's timing. He also said the church has gotten too political in recent years, and he said that that played a part in what happened. The assistant pastor who informed him of the suspension told him that federal workers "shouldn't be honored like nurses or veterans" because, unlike them, they "can't do their jobs at home via telework and be lazy". He even said that honoring them was disrespectful to veterans/nurses, and my dad disagrees.

Dad said he felt led to honor federal workers because many of them were being wrongfully villainized, but he was suspended from announcements for a few weeks. He also thinks the time is right to leave the church, but he wanted to talk to us because of the friends we had there (more so my younger brothers). He thinks they should be able to keep their friends similar to kids who have friends from other schools. Personally, I respect him for being open with us, and mom agrees that the suspension was uncalled for. Dad is mostly stressed about being a Deacon and wanting to step down before his term ends. He also said he's nervous about who to tell beforehand or not, and mom said that they will work on it. He doesn't want to burn his bridges, but he doesn't know how to go about it. I know I don't have much of anything to contribute to how he steps down aside from supporting him, but I wanted to ask if anyone had any experience with stepping down or any ideas I could suggest. I would appreciate any that are given.

First Update (April 12th, 2025):

I really appreciate all of the perspectives given on my first post, and I shared some of them with my parents including one in particular I'll highlight. My dad took a few days to pray over what he should do, and he learned something from one commentor who gave insight into something he didn't see. The comment (from Aggravating_Kale9788) said it "could be dangerous for a federal employee to stand up and be identified in that manner as OSPEC (operational security) is taught to federal workers" and especially in this current political climate. The comment also suggested the possibility of a crazy person potentially following them into the parking lot or home. Dad said he didn't consider that and thought it was perhaps a reason why he was suspended (although the assistant pastor never mentioned it). He eventually decided on meeting with the senior pastor to discuss the suspension, and we had another family meeting to discuss it shortly afterwards.

During the meeting, dad reiterated much of what the assistant pastor said and how he disagreed with him saying that federal workers "shouldn't be mentioned in the same breath as nurses/veterans because they can't telework and be lazy". But dad also mentioned his mistake of potentially pressuring federal workers to stand which could've put them in a very dangerous position and asked if that had anything to do with the suspension. But the pastor told him that it had nothing to do with the suspension and that he signed off on it before the assistant pastor told him. Long story short, he basically reiterated what the youth pastor said about how it's "insulting to honor federal workers in the same breath as nurses/veterans". But when dad pointed out (what another comment informed us) how many federal workers WERE veterans and nurses and firefighters whom our church also honors from time to time, the pastor didn't change his tune. Dad explained how he felt God told him to honor federal workers who were being unfairly villainized, but he didn't see it that way.

After dad told us how it went, mom said they made the decision to stop attending immediately because she believed that their handling of this was disrespectful. Dad's been in the church for over ten years, currently serves as a deacon and was once a trustee too. It is also hypocritical how other leaders are allowed to "follow the holy spirit" if God puts something on their heart such as impromptu altar calls or going off on a tangent about something random God wants someone in the congregation to hear (usually a very spot-on assessment like someone proclaiming that a nurse in the congregation has a big life decision they're stressed about or something). I told a few commentors that the same senior pastor used to have a thing about not talking politics and would say that we are to pray for whoever is in office because God can use anyone for his glory. But ever since the current President began running for reelection, he's slowly changed his tune and began promoting him during service, one of the many reasons dad felt led to leave for awhile. The senior pastor has served in our church for over 30 years, and his recent change has hurt mom and dad to see.

At the end of the meeting, dad said that we'd take time off from attending church until they decided on some new ones to try. So that's pretty much it, but I wanted to address another thing that people mentioned regarding our church. I mentioned that our church often honors many people, and some said that that was off-putting. I mentioned this to dad, and he actually agreed that some of it seemed contrived. If a couple has a milestone wedding anniversary coming up, they'll often tell the church (during the week) and ask to be recognized during service. So a leader will have them stand the same way they ask veterans if we see one in a uniform or their family tells the church that their military relative will be there that Sunday, and the wedding anniversary requests personally sound a bit awkward/attention seeking.

Regarding veterans, the church once received a complaint from a veteran who didn't wear a uniform to church, but was blindsided when their family called the church (during the week) to ask him to stand by name to be recognized, and he said that he wouldn't attend anymore as a result because he just wanted to attend in peace. The church does the same for nurses and milestone birthdays, but they didn’t stop following that complaint. As a matter of fact, the church continued with the tradition because the senior pastor said that the standing ovations for the veterans often brings up the energy in the service, and he compared it to how SeaWorld opened their "One Ocean" show with a tribute to veterans asking them to stand at the beginning. Dad disagreed and said God doesn't need artificial things to "bring up the energy" in the service, but the traditions continued nonetheless. That's just one of many things with this church, and dad thinks now is the right time to leave. I appreciate the perspectives that were given as it really helped us reflect on everything that happened

Second Update (May 4th, 2025):

My parents and I have had some arguments since my last post, but I want to address something that was said in numerous DMs. A few people claiming to be Christians said they were happy my father was suspended because he "brought politics into the church". Others said a deacon may not have the authority to honor people as he did compared to other leaders. Regarding the first point about Dad honoring the federal workers, he said it was important to pray for those who are hurting. He also said that they were wrong to be villainized because Jesus had the heart of a volunteer, and federal workers were public servants. Jesus healed the sick and washed the disciples' feet without charge. Many federal workers could find higher-paying jobs in the private sector, according to Dad, but they chose to commit themselves to their communities instead. Regarding the second point, other deacons in our church do announcements too. The church has them do it along with other leadership positions so that the congregation can get to know its staff, and other deacons and trustees have honored veterans among others 

With that said, my family stopped attending our church for three Sundays before one of the leaders reached out to my Dad to see if everything was alright. Dad didn’t tell anyone that we stopped going, but he told the leader who called that we were likely not going to return. That's how that call went, but he received another a few days later from a different leader who told him that the church wanted to honor our family for the years we gave as leaders, and Dad said he'd get back to him. Dad later told mom and I about it, and he wants us to attend one more time so that they can honor us on stage and leave on a good note to not burn bridges. Personally, I strongly disagree. Dad has served on numerous boards for over ten years, but they suspended him for doing something other deacons did. A deacon once asked police officers to stand during announcements in 2020 following the George Floyd events (claiming that people shouldn't generalize all police officers), and that deacon was less seasoned than him

In my opinion, they spit in the face of our family by punishing him for something other deacons did. While I'm usually against ghosting, I wouldn't blame Dad if he decided to ignore their calls. But he said we should be grateful when people want to honor you. And when I disagreed, he said I should learn for my future work career because you don't want to burn bridges when departing jobs. But this isn't his day job; it's a church he owes nothing to. Respect is owed when it is given, in my opinion, and the church doesn't give him a paycheck. He said I don't have a choice but to attend one final Sunday to leave on good terms. And if worst comes to worst, it's only two hours. But I strongly disagree because, in my opinion, he's giving more respect than they're giving him. And maybe the church is doing it to save face, who knows. Maybe I'm just being young and stupid, but I don't think it's worth it to cause a rift over a two-hour final service. I'll likely attend, but I hate everything about it

Just one more thing. Dad said he thinks God put it on his heart to honor the federal workers so that this would happen and facilitate us leaving the church. He said he should've left years ago when the church ignored complaints from veterans who didn't want to be honored (and used them as props to "bring up the energy in the service" as the pastor said), and he ignored a feeling in his gut to leave when the church began getting more political. The church has mentioned Trump from the stage numerous times, but he said he was too afraid to leave a community he resided for over 10 years despite hating everything Trump stands for. So while we left too late, we can at least leave now

New Update (August 22nd, 2025):

I completely forgot to return to this sooner, but a few messages from individuals wanting to know what happened reminded me. Despite numerous discussions about how I thought returning to the church was a bad idea, they decided to go anyway. I disagreed because we left on OUR terms, and the church wanted us to leave on theirs. Their disrespect towards my father (with the suspension) shows what little respect they had for his 10+ years of service. But dad said we "shouldn't burn bridges" and compared it to not burning bridges when leaving a job. In my opinion, that comparison doesn't work because, unlike a job, the church doesn't give him a paycheck. Unlike a job, you don't need a reference when going to a new church. But dad said he wanted to leave on good terms in case God opened the door to return someday, and I disagree with that wholeheartedly. If you leave a toxic ex (or church in this case), you shouldn't leave expecting to return someday if you're unable to find someone better to settle down with. It reeks of insecurity, in my opinion, and I think it's really weak too

To my dad's credit, he came around on not forcing me to attend the final Sunday when he'd be honored. I stayed home. And when they returned, dad didn’t want to talk about what happened and said I "shouldn't care because I wasn't there". From his tone, I figured he was bothered, and mom opened up to me about it instead. She said he wasn’t thrilled with the questions he received from friends/congregation members following the service, and I think that was poor foresight on his part. She said it annoyed him. But regarding the service, the two of them were asked to come on stage for no more than five minutes to be recognized by the church as one of the pastors thanked them for their years of service. It's important to note that my father was told beforehand that he wasn’t required to speak during the honoring, so he was never asked to speak during it. The honoring ended with a pastor praying over them, and that was pretty much it. In the months since, my parents have attended a few local churches, but have yet to pick one as their new home. They said I didn't have to join them for their search because, at my age, I'll likely leave for school in a year or so. So it'd be up to me to find a church for myself. I appreciate them letting me be myself, but I've since debated a lot since we left

One thing that surprised me as a result of making these posts was people saying how crazy I was to mention speaking in tongues so nonchalantly. And honestly, I didn’t think twice about it. Our old church was Pentecostal, and they've had people speaking in tongues since I was young. I used to internally question how someone would interpret a tongue with no language (or incomprehensible babble, as someone who messaged me described it) and be able to understand it correctly. Or how many times someone might've intentionally misinterpreted the babble to whatever THEY wanted to say that had nothing to do wth God at all! And the more I thought about it after reading many messages, there seemed to be no checks and balances at all! Who regulates when random people yell babble and then someone always has the "correct interpretation" moments after. What if two people plan to do it in advance to push a personal agenda disguised as God's word? But worse than that, I don't want to be looked at as if I'm crazy for mentioning tongues in public (which would never come up outside of church), so I'm glad that I got made fun of in DMs instead of real life for something I always thought was normal

However, it's really shaken me of late and made me want to take a break from Christianity as I prepare for college. I'm angry that something so stupid like tongues could seem perfectly normal if indoctrinated from a young age, and it made me wonder how many other things regarding Christianity I've been wrong about too. Going back to what I said about no checks and balances regarding tongues, it seems to be a microcosm of everything wrong with Christianity and the Christians in our country at the moment. People proclaiming to hear from God (to push personal agenda under the guise of Christianity), and Christians eating it up (the tongues interpretations often followed by applause in our old church) without any vetting. That screams Christian Nationalism to me; a bunch of indoctrinated people who grew up thinking un-normal things were normal (like tongues) and following blindy without second thought. I don't want to be stupid, so I'm taking a break from Christianity to (hopefully) go to faraway college to see life for myself. But I feel, deep down, that I won't return to Christianity ever since the tongues thing because I'm now questioning what else I've been wrongfully believing. So since we're no longer at our old church, I won't post again because that chapter is closed for me (although I fully expect my parents to return someday since dad already talked about it before he left)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/_throwaway_clueless_

CEO demands I send him child porn

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TRIGGER WARNING: Retaliation, hostile workplace

MOOD SPOILER: horrific

Original Post - rareddit Nov 7, 2020

The company I work for owns a website open to general public. Both our company and servers are located in California. Today, one of our users had uploaded a series of child porn images. Per our SOPs, I've deactivated the user's account, made the images non-public (but still kept them on our servers to avoid destroying the evidence) and reported the incident to law enforcement online (no response yet, it's kinda late here). The final step was to send a notification to company management. Soon after that, I received an email from our CEO demanding a detailed incident report, including the images in question. I sent the report but instead of sending the images I wrote that I probably shouldn't be sending illegal stuff around. To which he promptly replied that this is not my concern, that as a CEO and owner he has legal right to access any company information and I should just comply. It's not untypical for him to be a control freak (including demanding people to do something in the middle of the night but at least I'm getting paid to handle urgent incidents around the clock,) yet he is usually not bothered with us grunts. The company has no in-house lawyer so I can't consult them. ​ From this mess, I have 3 questions: (1) Would it be illegal distribution of CP for me to send these images? (2) Would it be illegal possession of CP for him to receive these images? (3) What should I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dancorbe

"(1) Would it be illegal distribution of CP for me to send these images?"

Absolutely. Tell him you're uncomfortable filling his request. If you really want to take a more tactful approach about it tell him its because you're not comfortable looking at the imagery.

"(2) Would it be illegal possession of CP for him to receive these images?"

This is more gray area but I'm sure a prosecutor could make that case.

"(3) What should I do?"

Do nothing further. Your obligation ended when you reported it to law enforcement. They'll respond by issuing a subpoena to the company which is a court order that'll give them permission to come onto the property and image the server(s) in question.

I'd definitely start looking for another job, ASAP. Because if he's a control freak you may be retaliated against and fired.

OOP

"tell him its because you're not comfortable looking at the imagery"

Unfortunately, I've already seen them while handling their removal:(

"Your obligation ended when you reported it to law enforcement"

To the law, maybe - but not to my employer.

"I'd definitely start looking for another job, ASAP. Because if he's a control freak you may be retaliated against and fired."

Definitely. What sucks is that I've been working for them only for a few months.

~

Logic_now

Why not just tell him which server/file location? That is what I would do. "Hey, I don't think we should be further distributing these files and exposing additional servers to being placed under subpoena, as that could disrupt business operations. As such, instead of sending, here is the exact location of the files so you can access them with law enforcement, as CEO your account always has access to all server folders."

OOP

Actually, no - he doesn't have server access as he's not a techie and I guess he was never interested in it before. To get the files, he would have to SSH into one of the servers and run a few commands to retrieve the images from file storage. ​ UPDATE: The situation has gotten way creepier. I didn't send the images overnight, instead I forwarded the request to my boss, asking him for advice. In the morning, I saw the CEO's email to my boss that I was CC'd on, demanding the images (but not mentioning that they're child porn) and ranting about how the hell is he supposed to run the company if his own employees deny him business critical information. My boss replied something diplomatic like "I'll look into it, but why do you need them in the first place?" The CEO replied that he needs to verify himself that it's really illegal content. ​ Maybe because I'm sleep deprived or because as a woman I'm not fond of men being creepy, but I can't help thinking that the only reason he needs these images is that he wants to see child porn. Since I handled pages overnight, I'm not expected back online (I work from home) early in the morning so I haven't done anything and I'm just sitting here scared shitless that I'll either commit a crime if I comply or I'll be fired if I don't. Or at least my working life in this company will turn into hell.

Update Nov 12, 2020 (5 days later)

Hi, I'd like to thank everybody who responded to my original questions. Since then, the situation was developing quickly and not always in a good direction.

I was freaked out on Sunday, to the point that I forgot which day it was and thought I was supposed to work. Eventually, my boss messaged me that the CEO has found someone to send him the "suspected" child porn.

On Monday, two things happened: first, I received a call from the cop who was assigned to investigate my report. We mostly discussed things unclear from the report, but at one point I mentioned CEO's request and that it was eventually fulfilled.

Later, I had a video call with HR where I was shown my Reddit post, asked if it was me, and before I even managed to open my mouth, fired for disclosing confidential information and "insubordination" (aka calling the CEO a control freak).

Next day, the detective called back and thanked me for my help. He said that the CEO was "known" to them so they just searched his house and discovered a fuckton of child porn, not just the images in question. The dude was presumably arrested because since then, from what my friends back at the company are saying, everything has ground to a halt. Mr. Big had set up so many internal processes to require his approval or participation that even accountants aren't sure if they will be able process the next payroll in time (WTF?). And that might be the end of a nice collective poisoned by a single jerk.

As of myself, I'm about to post my CV on various job boards. Sucks to be unfairly fired, but it seems soon there will be no employer to sue over dismissal, so I'm not looking back. At least, if an interviewer asks me why I was fired I can answer that our CEO was arrested for child porn possession and then everything quickly went to hell.

I'm going to scramble my password so no point in trying to contact me.

Top Comment from when this was crossposted to BoLA

seahorn_actual

Well that went from weird to holy fuck pretty quick. Good job LAOP and good luck in the job search.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

**DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/tradon13 in r/legaladvice**

Trigger Warnings: Unfair treatment

-----

Kicked out and given $7.30 after $1,000+ casino win. - October 27, 2024

Hey all, so me and few buddies are driving back from Wyoming and after finding out it’s 18+ (we’re all 19) we decided to stop at a restaurant with some slots.

I sit down, put $20 in, and get about 2 spins in before an employee walks up and ask for my ID, no problem, it’s Wyoming and I’m 19. She checks it’s, pretty extensively so I’m assuming she actually checks my ID, plus the Colorado ID says “Under 21” right on it. Anyways, she looks at it, says “Thanks, have fun,” then checks my friends ID’s.

Everything’s good and about 3 spins later I hit major jackpot for $1,097.26. The lady is still next to us and watching this unfold, we’re all excited and she looks happy for us and say they gotta handpay.

Now, I’m at the desk, handing a different lady my ID, and she says, “Are you only 19?” to which I gladly say “yeah”. She then starts telling me that this location is 21+ and that only some of their locations are 18+, which to be fair it did say on the website, just not which locations, which is why we went in to find out. We didn’t see any signs walking in and literally had our IDs checked by staff before winning. Anyways, she calls her boss who says to pay what’s left from what I put in out of my 20$, $7.30, instead of the 1,000$+. Am I at fault or did I just get robbed?

-----

Top Comment

Who_is_him_hehe - If there is a governing gaming commission, you should try them first. Not sure how it would work if they're an Indian casino.

-----

[Update was given as an edit to the original post so there is no postdate.]

UPDATE: After writing a very long and strongly worded letter to the place and their parent company and informing them that I’d be contacting the Wyoming Gaming Commission and an attorney if we were unable to solve this problem directly today, I received a call from them today that they will be both banning me and paying me out! I’m so grateful for all the advice and PMs. Glad I didn’t have to escalate it further, but the fact they were able to do this in the first place was wild. Gonna have a real annoying 3 hour total ride back up to Wyoming to claim this though.

**Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.**

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/azuras7

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO? My boyfriend told me he started dating me to “bully” his brother.

Trigger Warnings: misogyny, body shaming, cruelty

Editor’s note: the body text for the original post was saved before it was deleted

Original Post: August 31 2025

I (24F) normally live with my boyfriend (25M) but spending the week with my cousin who lives about an hour away. (Btw bf and I been together 2 years).

Bf has been reaching out to me via FaceTime/ text everyday saying how much he misses me. Yesterday we FaceTimed and he said he can’t wait for me to come back. I laughed and said that it’s only been a week. He paused and randomly said “crazy that I only started dating you because of my brother and I actually love you now. That wasn’t the plan hahah”.

He was laughing and reminiscing as if it’s all a fond memory. I got confused and asked him to explain. He grinned and said that his brother (24M) had a massive crush on me back then. For some context, I met both a gym. My bf worked there as a personal trainer and still does. He said that he used to tease his brother about it. He was like “I made it my personal mission to have you”. I was like wtf, so you started dating me to show off to your brother??

He put his hand up and said “hey it’s not as bad as it sounds”. He explained that he found me physically attractive though he admitted he didn’t like my ‘attitude’ so sleeping with me to “bully” his brother wasn’t a big hurdle. I was so pissed and confused but he said that it’s not a big deal and that I need to calm down etc. We hung up and had this text back and forth

I’m still so pissed and in disbelief. I feel like my entire relationship was based on a lie and I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

Editor's note: the body text for the messages were saved before they were deleted

Transcript of the text messages

OOP: so help me understand. you seriously only started dating me bc you wanted to make ****** feel bad?? am I hearing this right?

BF: Yes

OOP: why?? what kind of person does this? it's so fucked up?

BF: It's not that bad

BF: He was obsessed with you and it was funny to take what he wanted so desperately

BF: It's a brother's thing lol

OOP: so it's a BROTHERS THING to hurt each other ?

OOP: ******* do you even like me?

BF: Don't get me wrong *******

BF: It started as a prank, but I fell in love with you

BF: Yes you had an attitude but that only made it more ********** brains out haha

BF: Don't think now that none of this is real. It is real and I'm not lying to you babe. Not anymore

BF: I wouldn't still be here if I didn't like you

OOP: SO ****** had a crush on me and he was obsessed according to you. instead of being supportive of your brother you decided to make a move on me just to make him feel worse and you see nothing wrong with that? you know this tells me everything I need to know about u as a person. are u a sociopath? what's fucked up is that he's a nice person and literally the least deserving of this fucked up treatment you're giving him

OOP: I can't believe what I'm hearing and reading, and u think all of this is normal.

BF: Why pity him lol

BF: He's fat

BF: He's in his room 24/7

BF: Never had a gf

BF: He's a loser

BF: Losers don't get nice things

BF: I mean all he can do is jerk to you hahaha

BF: If he wanted you he should've been a man, don't you think?

BF: No one forced your hand

BF: You wanted me because I made your **** tingle

BF: He simped from the distance hoping you would give him a chance

BF: But you're a woman so I don't expect you to understand

OOP: replying to Losers don't get nice things: so im a thing now?

OOP: why are you speaking of me as if im some object to brag about??

OOP: just stop texting me now I don't wanna hear anything from you

BF: Babe

BF: You're making this a bigger deal than it is

BF: It's just a funny memory

BF: It's just a brothers thing

BF: No big deal

BF: Babe?

BF: Cmon

BF: PMS?

BF: He's a kissless overweight virgin. If I don't teach him life lessons who will I'm doing him a favor. He should be thanking me.

OOP: stop texting me or I'll block you. I need some time to myself.

End of transcript

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NOR, Your bf is an asshole just look at his tone and how he talks about his brother, well you really were a thing for him, he would have left you long ago if he didn't fall in 'love' with you. Seriously no matter how I think ts crazy af

Commenter 2: Can you imagine what he'll be like to his kids... fuck that

OOP:if he’s teaching his younger brother this fucked up “lesson” wtf would he teach his son in future…men are scary idk

Commenter 3: Real question, what's his brother like? Can you see yourself ever being interested in him? Bc it really sounds like you picked the wrong brother. The good news is that you can now date the nice one without having to give two shits if it bothers your AH ex.

OOP: There’s only so much of that family’s genes I can take o_O

Commenter 4: This is 100% not a brother thing. I'd move heaven and earth for my bro.

Update in a comment Aug 31, 2025 (same day, four hours later)

Update:

I broke up with my bf and planning on moving out (going back to my sister’s place while I figure out what to do next). I cancelled my gym membership at the gym he works at bc I don’t want to see his face anymore.

I texted his brother that i found out everything because my ex was stupid enough to confess his stupid scheme like I wouldn’t dump him over it. I told his brother that I’m sorry for the hurt he’s been through and that im always here to listen if he wants to talk.

— edit: can yall stop telling me to have sex with his brother? it’s getting weird af. real life is not porn you weirdos

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Givena

My [27F] brother [32M] is out of prison after 10 years and I don't know if I should see him.

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, graphic descriptions of child abuse, alcoholism, cancer

MOOD SPOILER: ultimately positive but still a rough read

Original Post July 9, 2016

My brother was a thief. He drunkenly stole a car and had an accident, causing major damage to another person. He got 10 years in prison.

After he was sent to prison my parents were devastated. My father was a sober alcoholic for 15 years and he started drinking again, and eventually died of cancer. My mother killed herself a little later leaving me all alone when I was 20. I understand that my brother isn't to blame for what happened to them as he didn't intentionally want these to happen, but his actions led to those things happening nevertheless. I stopped visiting him after mom died.

For the next two years he's been off my mind completely. I haven't given him any thought. But now I learned that he's been out for two months now and he's staying with our uncle, helping out with his farm. He hasn't tried to reach me.

I don't know if I should reach out. I'm guessing he stayed away from me after his release because I stopped visiting him years ago so he's respecting my wishes. He was 22 when it all happened so a lot of time has passed and I don't really know what kind of person he is now. I don't know how I'd feel if I see him again. I welcome any and all suggestions and advice.

tl;dr: Brother did crimes which got him sent to prison and that was the start of a chain that destroyed our family and left my parents dead. He's out now. Not sure if I should start contact.

Update Nov 9, 2017 (1 and a half years later)

My post from 1.5 years ago

I remembered posting here, and decided to give an update after 1.5 years.

I decided to go and see him. I talked to my uncle first and he told me that my brother is acting great, doing good work and is being very reasonable about everything. He also said he's asked about me but kept his distance out of respect, since I stopped visiting him in prison.

When I met him it wasn't easy. I had some unresolved feelings and I ended up shouting at him a little, but also eventually ended up crying in his arms. We talked for hours and hours that day. The more we talked the more I realized how much I missed him and having him in my life, and also how little I knew about our parents. They were horrible to him, really abusive.

Our father used to hit him. I remember him crying in his room sometimes. I always teased him and mocked him for it. I was a lot younger and didn't know what was going on, but I have vague memories that I mostly hurried but now they made a lot of sense. I even remember our dad went to his room with a belt. My mom told me he wanted to see if it fits on my brother's pants. I was 12 I think. I believed it and ever thought twice. No wonder he was acting out and was troubled. I know it doesn't excuse what he did that left him in prison but it adds some context.

When I visited him in prison early on, he would always ask me if our parents are treating me well. They were to be fair, they never abused me. Or if they did I don't remember. I thought he was trying to badmouth them but he was worried about me. He apologized to me that his stupid mistake ended up separating us because he had promised himself to keep me safe and to help me when I turn 18.

Our grandma confirmed the abuse as well when I talked to her. She knew about it and did nothing. She told me my mom didn't kill her self because of what my brother did or my dad's repulse, it was over guilt for not doing anything to end the abuse that my brother suffered for years. My view of my parents have changed completely.

To make it short, we decided to restart our family with a clean slate. We promised to love each other and take care of each other. We've both been to therapy as well. We missed a lot of years but we have a lot of time ahead of us.

It's so good to have a family again! I've had friends in these times but never had someone who knew everything about me. Someone I could trust and always rely on. And being that person to someone else. Now I have that and it's amazing. We talk on most days and see each other at least once a week. He's still working in the farm with our uncle and is doing a good job. But I convinced him to go back to college and get his degree. He began this semester. He's also staying away from alcohol completely and I'm doing the same. Both our parents had an alcohol problem and he did something horrible while drunk and our uncle has also been having DUIs, people in our family should not be drinking. I never had a problem with alcohol but I think doing it together is just easier for him and me.

So overall, life is good. And I'm really hopeful for our future! Thanks for your help especially those who gave me the courage to step up and meet him.

tl;dr: Met with brother. Realized there were more going on that I knew. We made our peace and now 1.5 years later life is great!

FINAL COMMENTS

Gracelandrocks

I'm glad it worked out well for you, OP. I wish you and your brother much happiness and contentment. Your brother, especially since he's been through a lot of crap through this life.

OOP

Thank you. Yes he's been through a lot and he deserves to have a loving family now.

~

[deleted]

You are awesome. So many people just walk away, so much advice they leave him. But you treated him like family. You learned what his life was like and it brought you closer. I’m happy for you OP. It took guts to do what you did and your life is now better for it. Good job, and good luck in the future.

OOP

Yeah. I'm a little ashamed I walked away from him when he was in prison. But he's forgiven me for that. I actually wasn't prepared to hear his side back then so I might have actually reacted poorly to it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Background-Mix-9970

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for supposedly labelling my sister's BF a "perv"

Editor's notes: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: predatory behavior, mentions of child sexual abuse, grooming, mentions of infidelity, minimizing/dismissing a victim

Mood Spoilers: enraging

Original Post: August 29, 2025

Hey everyone I kinda feel conflicted about this and I really need advice on this because so far it seems like I overreacted.

I 37F have a daughter, Lia 10F (fake name). Lia wanted to go sleepover at her aunt's house, who is my younger sister. Her cousin 12F who is my brother's child was going to be there so I guess cousin bonding time. My sister is considered the fun aunt so I agreed and Friday morning we dropped Lia off. The same day at around 11pm (23:00) Lia calls and tells me she wants to come home. I asked her why and she explained that my sister's boyfriend was there and she just feels a little uncomfortable. I asked and made sure everything is ok and that nothing provoked her to ask me to pick her up then convinced her to at least sleep for the night then we will pick her up in the morning.

She calls again after what I think is 45 mins and says she wants to come home and she will only sleep at home. I got ready and drove 30 mins to get her and when I got there I found my sister was pissed. To cut the long story short, she thinks that I think her boyfriend is a creep and a pervert and that I do not trust him around my daughter. She thinks I am being too overprotective and Lia would have adjusted if I left it alone. She said kids do this with new people and I made it a big deal. Since then thing have been sour, my sister says to fix things I should apologize to her man because he feels like I do not trust him.

I asked my husband Jason 40M (fake name) for his input and he says he understands where my sister and her bf are coming from. He said as a man even he would feel some type of way if a child called her mom twice to come get her because he is present in the house. He advised me to apologize to them and try to get Lia used to the bf being around.

All I did was peacefully get Lia, no accusations were made towards my sister's man and I have never said I do not like him or think of him as a pervert. I don understand why all this became an issue. My husband thinks Lia should just try to adjust because her cousin was ok at the sleepover and didn't complain.

I feel conflicted, it's not that I think I was wrong but I also don't think I was write. I just need to know if I was dramatic by getting her. I also want to hear from the men if this would offend them and if I should apologize. I feel bad about all of this.

AITAH FOR GETTING MY DAUGHTER FROM THE SLEEPOVER.

UPDATE IS OUT, THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

How long has OOP's sister has been dating her boyfriend?

OOP: He has been seeing her for about 2 months now.

Commenter 1: NTA! Listen to your kids! Did you ever ascertain what he did to make her uncomfortable? Regardless, you do not need to apologize for listening to and respecting your daughter's concerns. That's called being a good parent

OOP: She didn't really explain all she keeps saying is that she was uncomfortable.

Commenter 2: INFO: Did your daughter know that the BF was going to be there? Was he staying the night? If any of this was a surprise to her, then the evening wasn’t going to go the way she thought it would. Either way NTA. I would have done the same thing.

OOP: No my daughter did not know he would be there. Yes he was spending the night.

Commenter 3: NTA I don't care if he's Nelson fucking Mandela, if your kid says she feels unsafe that is all that matters. And she should NOT be taught that she should get used to being uncomfortable and just deal. Your husband sucks. If I at 10 told my parents a grown man was making me uncomfortable my father would at the very least tell that man he wasn't allowed near me. Your husband is choosing the concept of false accusations of men to ignore someone who is making you daughter that upset. It's disgusting.

OOP: I am a bit disappointed in him I won't lie.

Update: August 30, 2025 (next day)

Update: AITAH for supposedly labelling my sister's BF a "perv"

Hello everyone I want to thank you for the post I made last night and all the responses I got. I also do understand why some were angry I didn't pick Lia up the first time and also about Leaving the 12 year old (Amanda) there. With that being said I have an update. For the sake of privacy I will name my sister Jane and the boyfriend Mike.

So here's how this went, I called Lia to talk to her dad and I. She refused to talk at all and said that she just uncomfortable and missed us and my husband asked her if she would be looking to apologize to auntie Jane and she refused.

I wanted to be sure she is a 100% ok so I asked my husband to excuse us. I told her I will not shame or be angry at her for whatever she tells me and asked specifically for what made her uncomfortable. She said Mike played a tickle game with Amanda and she kept saying no and she also told me that he talked about how they are developing well. He also did the same tickling game with Lia and when she told Jane she doesn't like being tickled Jane said it's just having fun.

That's when she called the first time. The reason for what made her call the second time she said, she Mike insisted on the girls showering before bedtime and gave Lia a lingering bedtime hug. She told me all about when they were eating he would call her his favorite smart little girl or the sitting too close. She didn't want to sleep there even with the door being locked.

To say I feel guilty for not picking her up the first time is an understatement.

After this talk I called my brother and we talked. Amanda says she slept ok but she could hear feet moving at night. Other than those uncomfortable instances, nothing else happened afterwards. My husband knows now about all this and he doesn't understand why Lia would wait this long to tell us if something was really wrong considering how close we are (the sleepover was last week Friday so a week). He thinks she feels pressured into giving a reason for her discomfort. I don't care what he has to say to be honest, I believe my baby. I did apologize to Amanda for not taking her with and she has no hard feelings, she knew her dad wouldn't have come. Lia feels like her feelings are dramatic and I am trying to make her understand that she is valid. My brother surprisingly just seems unbothered about all this.

With that being said the only sleepovers that will take place will be in our home. I thank you all for the advice. I don't know when I will talk to Jane or if I even want anything to do with her.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your husband needs to read these comments and take very seriously his daughter’s very legitimate concerns. He needs to understand that his reaction and dismissiveness is exactly why she didn’t tell you all right away.

He’s defensiveness about this. His first reaction was how he’d feel if this happened to him. Not how his child is feeling. That’s awful. He’s prioritizing his feeling as a grown male adult over a young girls feelings who is very vulnerable.

Girls are their most vulnerable to abuse when at sleepovers. Your daughter did the brave thing asking to come home twice.

She was being preyed on by your sisters boyfriend. He was grooming those girls with that behavior.

And your husbands dismissiveness is proving to your daughter that her father won’t protect her. You need to hammer that point home to him and explain to him what girls and women go through all the time. It’s disgusting how he’s behaving and I feel so bad for your daughter.

OOP: You are right. I will try to make him understand.

Commenter 2: NTA, and your husband and the other girls father should both be ashamed of themselves for minimizing their daughter's discomfort. They are leaving them wide open for predators and grooming. I'd give serious consideration to taking my kids and leaving this situation immediately. And there would be no unsupervised visitations if I can't trust you to protect my kid. Not with dad, aunt, or uncle. Protect your baby, OP!

OOP: I will protect her with all I have. If my dad was alive he would have talked to my husband since my late mom was a CSA survivor.

Commenter 3: Your husband and brother are dismissive because they don’t believe Lia.

Your husband saying, “Well, we’re close. Why didn’t you say something before? This means you’re lying,” is only him trying to teach your daughter that she shouldn’t have bodily autonomy.

If she doesn’t want to be tickled or hugged or touched, she is right to say so and all others need to respect that!

Your husband is trying to teach his own daughter to “be sweet” and it’s infuriating!

OOP: He sees her behavior as a child being a child. It is infuriating and quite frankly disappointing. I don't want Lia to feel like her dad doesn't care about her because it will affect her. I am looking into therapy for her.

Commenter 4: Where is Amanda's mother in this?

I think it would be wise to tell Amanda's that if she is ever sent there again and she doesn't want to be there, she can call you, and you will come and get her. Also, having the chat with your brother and telling him that if you ever find that Amanda has been subjected to the guy again, then you won't hesitate to contact the police. On the note of the police, it might be worth looking into this guy to see if he has anything in the system against him. Tell your sister that your daughter will no longer be attending her place due to the obvious safety issues - when she tells you that your daughter and Amanda are wrong, advise her that she should be thankful you have not contacted the police yet.

OOP: Amanda's mom left after my brother cheated when Amanda was 8 but they have made progress in healthy co-parenting. I do not know if my brother told Amanda's mom, I would tell her if I could find a way to contact her. My sister blocked me.

OOP clarifies on Mike being over at Jane's place and why he was there

OOP: They didn't move in together and I never said they live together., it seems he came to sleep over that night. Lia and her cousin always go for sleepovers with their aunt so it's nothing new. Lastly don't judge my daughter for choosing why she wasn't comfortable she ended up explaining anyways and that is why I posted an update.

Update #2: August 31, 2025 (next day)

Final Update: AITAH for supposedly labelling my sister's BF a "perv"

Hi everyone thank you for all your support on the 2 previous posts. This is just a short and quick last update.

First things first I take full accountability an admit that I was wrong to tell my daughter we will pick her up in the morning, I agree that she should not have had to call twice for me to come get her. I have apologized and spoken to her about it.

I also do accept that I was wrong to leave Amanda there, even though she told me she was ok I should have pressed on and told her to come with. I will always look out for her as I will Lia.

Currently my sister and I are not on speaking terms I am blocked, I drove to her house but she wasn't there so I left after about an hour. The trash took itself out I guess. My husband and I are not also on speaking terms, he has not talked to me since I showed him the last two posts and the comments. Lia thinks her dad thinks she was wrong and I had to assure her countless times that she was doing the right thing. He thinks we made drama up over matter that could have been solved over lunch, he still thinks Mike was just being friendly.

I want to file a report but I do know if the reasons are credible enough to but I am looking into it. I do want to look into separation, I cannot stay with someone go dismisses our daughter's emotions. She has been feeling so guilty and apologized to him multiple times, so I have to do what is best for her.

Amanda's mom told me he will talk to my brother I do not know how that went, I will ask her later.

I do not understand how a phone call and my picking my daughter up caused such a ruckus. My husband does not like reddit advice and to be frank he was quite offended I posted. I just don't get what this man's problem is, I really don't get. The way he dismisses Lia because he feels like nothing major happened so it's an overreaction, either way it's just disappointing. Anyways I appreciate all the advice and correction from you all.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: I appreciate you thinking of separation. Your daughter did the right thing and I’m suspicious why your husband isn’t furious at a grown man touching children in this way.

I hope your daughter doesn’t internalize his reaction. I would talk to a therapist to figure out how to handle if you guys need to separate so she is okay.

Commenter 2: My recommendation...get online and do some background research on this guy. He may have a criminal history that you want to know about, and it may be that knowing about it will protect your niece too. Your sister...well, you said it. The trash took itself out. Your husband...people like him are why girls are afraid they won't be believed.

Commenter 3: I’m glad your daughter has you in her corner you wouldn’t believe how often stuff like this just gets swept under the rug, it’s crazy how little children are believed…as someone who works with kids I know firsthand that while children will not always tell the truth it’s a hell of a lot easier to believe them first and foremost than to brush them off, they will always remember how you reacted to the situation and know who is a safe and trusted adult. Wishing you and your daughter the best op!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Remarkable-Pea2170

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my MIL that she can never see our child if she says anything against me?

Editor's note: FTM = First-time mother

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, classism, anti-vaxxing

Mood Spoilers: frustrating

Original Post: August 29, 2025

Throwaway account because I’m not a big Reddit user and probably gonna delete the app in like a week but anyways, I (26f) have been married to my husband (27m) for a little over a year now. We met 4 years ago when I was as a student teacher/college student near his favorite pizza place and we literally met walking on the same street. I’ve always loved my husband but the problem is that we were in two different tax brackets before getting married.

He comes from a family of money and my mom worked two jobs growing up, it’s literally luck that we met because if the system had their way, I’d be relying on government assistance to live (no offense to anyone who does considering that’s how it was for my mom her entire life) despite our two different backgrounds, he never made me feel less than and even before we got married he made me feel like his money was also my money. From the moment when I met his mom, she never directly made me feel unwelcome like in the movies but the way she looked at me or the way she’d make comments disguised as jokes about my college choice really made me feel uncomfortable.

I never brought it up but as me and my husband got more serious, she got worse and soon started making outright rude comments against me like how I was “stupid” for going to college for early education because they don’t make any money or would compare me to her other DIL’s who were nurses or in the business field. My husband has confronted her about it multiple times but even then her behavior would only change for a few weeks and then she’d slowly start the process again.

Anyways, my husband proposed early last year and we got married 6 months later at a beautiful vineyard with my dream dress, the entire day was perfect until she made her speech which she started off with “she’s not the woman I had in mind but she’s the woman he loves.” in contrast to my moms speech that was about how happy I am and how she cries happy tears every night because I found true love. Her speech ruined my whole night but when my husband confronted her after our honeymoon, she apologized over the phone and sent flowers to our house.

Three months ago, I found out I was pregnant and I’m sooo excited for this chapter in my life, my husband has always wanted to be a father so he’s already begun buying baby stuff and sending me pictures of what he wants the nursery to look like. We told his family over their bi-weekly family dinner last week and while everyone seemed happy we all held our breath to wait on his mothers reaction, she played the happy grandmother-to-be facade but two days ago his brothers wife that I’m close to sent me the messages that another brothers wife had sent her of my MIL stating that she’s disappointed in him and that now I’m “stuck” in their family. I almost cried but didn’t because while I was disappointed, I wasn’t surprised. I told my husband about it and he’s already confronted her about it and she’s once again apologized. My husband and I agreed that if we hear anything else from her against my pregnancy then we’d go no contact but as my husband is oldest we’ll be giving her the first grandchild and starting the newest generation of their immediate family, after telling my SIL about our decision she said that I should distance myself but keeping a grandchild from her might not go over well but both me and my husband have already agreed but now idk, AITAH since she already apologized.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA check with a lawyer about parental verses grandparents rights in your local jurisdiction. If there are no grandparent rights she can sue for, prep to block her and anyone else that she sends your info to. Be prepared on both of you. Make sure there is nothing she can do to you or your children.

OOP: Fortunately, we live in Florida so according to my google searches, that you gave me the idea for, she can only really do anything if we’re unfit or absent, if im reading it correctly ofc

Commenter 2: NTA She made a meaningless apology and has continued to bad mouth you to the rest of the family. Restricting her access to your child is the way to go. Your mother-in-law is a toxic in-law to you -- read the book by Susan Forward and your husband might want to read her book about Toxic Parents too. You only have to read a few stories in JustNoMil to understand how damaging a MIL like this can be to a child. Since you and your husband are on the same page here, you may want to spend some time with a therapist to help you with your strategy to avoid having her as a malevolent influence in your lives.

OOP: I only feel bad because my relationship with my grandmother really shaped me even when she and my mother weren’t on the same page all the time and all I want is for them to have that same relationship

Where is OOP's FIL in this whole situation? Can he intervene?

OOP: He is and he’s a decent guy but he’s more of a “happy wife, happy life” type of person so the most he does is change the subject if a joke gets too bad.

Commenter 4: Nope, apologies with no change in behavior means the apology was worthless.

You and your husband are on the same page, so just wait for her to mess up again. I think to lower stress and enjoy this time that you should just ignore her. Literally pretend that she does not exist other unless she says hello or goodbye lol. Ignore conversations about her, don’t engage and just have fun prepping for baby!

Update: August 31, 2025 (two days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for telling my MIL that she can never see our child if she says anything against me.

Hi everyone, I made my original post two days ago and I decided that you all needed an update

Since my post, my MIL has spoken against me again, this time she simply commented that I will be “slowly killing my baby” because I told my SIL about the vaccines that the doctors recommend that I get during my pregnancy to ensure my health while my MIL was within earshot and she decided that it’d be a good idea to gossip about me on the phone with her sister, word got around and eventually my SIL told me what was said about me. This did hurt a bit because as a ftm I just want to do anything to help my baby.

My mother wholeheartedly disagrees with her and said that she got every vaccine that was recommended when she was pregnant with both me and my siblings and I got every vaccine growing up, including my flu shot, and I’m perfectly healthy. I told my husband about it and he officially sat his mother down today and told her what would be happening. He explained that her actions have been unacceptable for far too long and that she’d have no access to me or our baby until further notice which means no more attending family dinners, vacations, events, etc.

I told her that any information she gets about the baby will only be because I agreed to give it to her and it’ll go through my husband or SIL. She did not react very well and said that we were selfish for cutting off the relationship between a child and their grandmother as a grandmother is just as important as a mother, I reminded her that my mother is still alive and only lives an hour and a half away so my child will still have a relationship with their grandmother. We’ve arrived home since the situation and my SIL told me that my MIL has already told both her and a few other family members and while she, her husband (my husbands brother), and another SIL has attempted to defend me, it’s not a lot of people in my corner. My husband’s father has called him since and said that while he isn’t required to always get along with his mom, we were all still family and he shouldn’t take her only grandchild away from her because of a disagreement as family argues all the time. It’s very hectic at the time but I’m sure everyone will recover, thanks everyone for their advice and words.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP on her SIL's thoughts on the situation

OOP: My SIL is a RN after studying nursing during college and one of her professors was a retired pediatric nurse, she has soooo many horror stories that her prof told her about children who came in with horrible diseases that would’ve been avoided with just one vaccine, she’s 1000% on board with me which is why I know that I’m not as crazy as my MIL wants it to seem.

OOP shares thoughts on differing opinions regarding raising the kids in today’s generation

OOP: Differing opinions is fine about things like whether or not a child should have an IPad, bedtimes, and clothes but, to me, vaccines aren’t a “agree to disagree” thing as it directly impacts the health of my baby and even if she didn’t agree with me, the reason that she was cut off was because of the fact that she quite literally said that I’m “slowly killing my baby.” what ftm (editor’s note: first time mother) or any type of mom wants to be told that?

OOP explains the relationship between her MIL and her husband's paternal grandma

OOP: The crazy part is that her MIL (God rest her soul), was her worst enemy, I only met the woman maybe once or twice and then went to her funeral just three weeks after my husband and I’s first year anniversary. She hated her so much that she didn’t even seem remotely sad from her death and just stroked her husband’s hair as he cried. They had a family meeting at granny’s house after the funeral and when everyone was sharing moments, she had nothing nice to say other than the basics. generational trauma, I guess

Commenter: "a grandmother is just as important as a mother"

NOT AT ALL.

GOOD grandparents are a bonus.

BAD grandparents are how generational trauma is passed on.

You are not "keeping your child away from her".

You are "PROTECTING your child FROM HER".

Glad you and husband are on the same page.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/throwawayAITABully.**

Trigger Warnings: Bullying.

Mood Spoilers: It turns out okay.

AITA for how I talked to my daughter about bullying?, Posted April 29th, 2020.

Throwaway because my husband uses reddit

So I (34F) have been married to John (36M) for about 12 years, and I have never seen him flip out about this like something before. We have a daughter - Fiona (14F) and a son, Will (10M).

During lockdown, John has been working 12 hour shifts as an essential worker. A few days ago, I got a message from one of the girls at Fiona’s schools mother. She let me know about her daughter being bullied by Fiona and her group of friends and sent screenshots of what they’ve been doing to her.

I was devastated, to say the least. I was bullied relentlessly as a teenager and Fiona and I are very close, so it just came as a huge surprise. I messaged the mum back apologising, thanking her for telling me and saying I’d speak to Fiona. This was not long after John had left for work so I decided to tackle it immediately rather than wait until when he got home.

I called Fiona in, showed her the message and screenshots and she went instantly on the defensive, complaining that they didn’t want to be friends with her and that she was weird and deserved it. She kept shrugging it off, so I decided a different approach. I told Fiona about how the bullying I experienced when I was younger affected me. How it pushed me to some horrible places and to do some terrible things, and the depression I lived with for a very long time. After I’d finished talking, Fiona said to me “whatever” and stomped off, but then a couple of hours later she came back to me sobbing and apologising.

We talked some more, she let me know how she’d also been struggling with mental health and didn’t know how to handle it. After a couple of hours, we had both cried a lot, but I let her know she was still going to be punished - which she understood and accepted.

When my husband got home that night, I filled him in on everything that had happened and he absolutely lost it at me out of nowhere. He couldn’t believe that he shared that i had shared my struggles to Fiona and that I had tried to manipulate her by using my feelings into controlling her. He told me that I should have just punished her and told the school and let them handle it, and that she was just a kid and didn’t need to be guilt tripped. He said that I had traumatised her. Before I could get a word in otherwise, he stomped out to the living room, where he has been staying in for the past 3 days.

Fiona and I have been really connecting since our talk, but John still is not speaking to me - except for in front of the kids. I genuinely don’t feel like I did anything wrong, it’s not like Fiona doesn’t understand mental health. But Johns reaction makes me feel like maybe I’ve been a huge asshole, and I could have somehow damaged my daughter forever.

So, AITA?

TL;DR: found out my daughter was bullying a girl, punished her and informed her of my bullying story, husband thinks I’ve traumatised her for life. AITA?

EDIT; thanks everyone for your input. I plan to sit John down tomorrow, show him your comments and discuss what made him react this way. Hopefully I’ll have a good update within the next couple of days.

Final Verdict: NTA

The Update, Posted May 1st, 2020.

Hey Everyone! I have an Update, can’t make a new post since it’s only been a few days (I’ll put it in the body of the post too)

Thank you so much for all your advice, I was really starting to doubt myself because of Johns reaction - at first I thought he was being ridiculous, but as the days of silence carried on I began to get more and more worried.

I definitely agree that I should have waited until John got home to discuss the issue, looking back I don’t think it was fair that I approached Fiona without speaking to John at all, but at the time I just wanted to take the bull by the horns and get it over with.

Anyway: the update

So last night the moment John got home I demanded that we needed to talk and I was not going to take the silent treatment anymore. I guess he could tell I was dead serious because he huffed but he sat down with me at the table. I explained to him that I made this reddit post and he read through all the comments. And then he got really quiet.

A lot of you in the comments suspected that something had happened in John’s past, and you were completely correct. John admitted that he too had been a bully when he was younger, to the point where one of the victims moved towns. I’m not excusing his behaviour at all, but his parents were(are) horribly abusive. It turns out that when his parents were notified about the bullying, his father encouraged him to take it to physical violence and that he was “finally a man”. He said that it was the only time he ever felt loved by his dad.

Hearing the way I described my experience to Fiona brought up a lot of repressed guilt and sadness in him, and he was lashing out because he couldn’t handle the memories it was bringing up for him. He apologised and was grateful for everyone’s comments, and that he acknowledges he was being a asshole.

We booked in a couple of virtual therapy sessions for him, and extended the same to Fiona in case she wanted to speak to someone. I’m confident we’ll be able to move on from this and become stronger as a family and hopefully be more aware of our actions in the future.

Thank you all again for your kind words and insight.

**Reminder - I am not OP.**

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/brokenhearted5150

my boyfriend sold my mtg beta black lotus card

TRIGGER WARNING: theft, betrayal

Original Post Sept 1, 2015

I'm on mobile so sorry for the format. I am so distraught. my boyfriend well call him Shane sold my black lotus beta card. now for those of you that don't know, this card is worth $20,000 right now. I was never planning to sell it. I got it from my mom for a birthday present when i first started playing magic. My mom has passed now and that is one of the things I treasure from her. I don't know what to do, I'm very upset and he won't tell me where he sold it so I could get it back. Please give me some advice, thank you

tdlr: my boyfriend sold my mtg beta black lotus magic card. I don't know what to do now.

Edit: the price. forgot the dollar sign, sorry I was a little distraught when I typed this.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

downvoted commenter

not worth 20k you can get it for a lot less on ebay unless you got it graded

OOP

It's a Beta Black Lotus. It's in mint condition and has been in a glass case since I got it.

Slasher1309

Do you remember what it was graded?

OOP

NM

Slasher1309

Was the card ever submitted for formal grading by BSG or another grading company, like this one? Because if it has, and the grade is 9 or higher, it the card could be worth even more than $20,000.

OOP

yes and it was an 8.

~

Lord_Alamo

If you don't have any major ties to the guy dump him if he doesnt give it back or give you 20k.

Edit: You cant be with a guy that steals from you. He might not know if it cost 100 or 20 000.... but stealing is never ok

causa-sui

Based on the OP, she's been playing Magic for years, maybe decades. Most players will have thousands or even tens of thousands of cards after playing that long.

Therefore, there's no way he didn't know what it's worth, or else he wouldn't have chosen that particular card to sell.

OOP

He could of taken any of my mythic rares, but he chose that one. My collection without my black lotus is probably worth at least 40k. Lots of foil cards

~

[deleted]

How much did he sell it for and what happened to the money?

OOP

15k. I dont know what happened to the money, he wont tell me.

When asked if the money went to drugs

yes im pretty sure hes back into drugs again

Editors Note: I did a quick Google search, and while prices vary, using OOP's specs i found a Black Lotus Beta card currently for $42,500

OOP updated Next Day Sept 2, 2015/Same Post

I went to the police station last night, computer in hand and told them that my card was stolen. They had a hard time believing that my card cost so much so I showed them. They said they would look into it. Then i called my renters insurance and they said i would get my money back. I finally found out where he sold the card to and i called the shop and told them it was stolen, there was so much arguing to get the card back and I had to go down there. I got my card back after telling them I was going to call the police and had them arrested for having stolen property. They cooperated and gave it back. As for the bf, he is an ex now. I packed up all his shit and left it outside and changed the locks. As far as i know, his mother came to get his stuff. So thank you for the advice Reddit, you helped me out tons!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7