r/CerebralPalsy • u/Blanket-Burito • 1d ago
So, cerebral palsy has made me undesirable I guess
27F with spastic hemiplegia. Went on 2 dates this month, with two different guys, I THOUGHT ths dates went well. I tried to kinda glaze over the fact that I have spastic hemiplegia, but a set of stairs and trying to cut my food ruined that for me. I could see it on their faces, clearly uncomfortabl; and ive been ghosted. Its discouraging, makes me think that when my dad kept reminding me that "no one wants a disabled wife" when I was younger, he was probably right
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u/Selenography 1d ago
TBH, your dad is was (is?) a jackass.
Sometimes dates just don’t work out for one reason or another. You don’t need to find a lot of guys that will accept you. You only need one.
My wife, even after hanging out several times together when we first met, was pretty oblivious to my condition. She had to be told about it. She just seemed to see through it and just saw me. (My CP is mild, but I sure can’t hide it.) It’ll take some time, for sure, but the right person for you won’t care about your CP.
Also: cutting my food with a knife is also a bit of an issue for me and makes me feel awkward, so I try to avoid it in public.
Good luck out there!
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u/ZeekeTheG 1d ago
To piggy back on this.... just tell them. Up front and early. My CP means I can't drive so it usually has to come up but I have found much more success just getting it out the way.
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u/EmuAdministrative680 1d ago
Me too , I have spastic diplegia and subsequent spatial disorder so if I date someone I immediately tell them so they can make their own decisions. I'm mostly independent, or at least I was until I got hit by a truck 2 years ago. But I'm in pt for both, so it'll get better I think
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u/Aware-Lingonberry-70 20h ago
Agreed. I put it on my profile. So they can just swipe left and save us both the trouble.
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u/Normal_Ad1068 1d ago
My husband loves his disabled wife. He thinks I am the most beautiful intelligent woman he knows. Your dad was wrong.
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u/apegrapess 1d ago
Your father is talking shit and really has no clue. Plenty of people on this sub, including me, can prove him wrong. If these guys ghosted you bc of hemiplegia, it makes it easier for you to weed out the guys not worth it to invest in. I know it sucks for you rn but keep your chin up, one day the right person will show up
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u/micropterus_dolomieu 1d ago
As the parent of a young adult with CP your post is hard to read. I understand your reservations, challenges, and discouragement. I’m sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else people have to deal with.
However, I would recommend not glossing over your CP in the future. It is part of who you are, period. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and anyone uncomfortable with it is probably not worth pursuing as a romantic partner.
You are worthy of being loved for exactly who you are.
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u/Civil_Ad_1172 1d ago
Sorry to say your dad is a dickhead.
You’re 27, people are shallow. Don’t let that bother you. I am upfront about my disability. Some go eww, but that just means they are weak. When you are upfront about it it weeds out all of the weak assholes that don’t see you for who you are.
There’s a dude out there that is going to treat you like there’s nothing wrong. The unfortunate part is it. Those people don’t exist until 30+
Every relationship I had before 30 was a one time thing. Wasn’t until I was 32 before I found a chick that didn’t look at me like I was different.
Keep your head up and remember that we live life on hard mode. You are stronger than everyone around you.
Take one person you know tie their hand to their side do something two handed with one proving it’s possible and then watch them try, you will laugh cause they won’t be able to do it.
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u/AslanComes 1d ago
My experience has been that when you find the right person your disability will not matter.
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u/guardianangel1499 1d ago
YOUR DAD IS WRONG!!!!! I've been with my husband for 30 years. He accepts my spastic hemi CP for what it is. Dating as a teen and early 20s was rough! (Almost non-existent). I blame that on my own immaturity and lack of my self-worth as well as the shallowness of that age group. (Sorry for the generalization). Surround yourself with a core friend group. Group activities were blessings. I finally met my husband in my early 30s on a blind date! Stay the course. There are good men out there. In the meantime, enjoy your life without being focused on one on one dates.
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u/walkc66 1d ago
As a Father to 2.5 y/o daughter with spastic quad, this breaks my heart so so much. Ignore your male gene donor (doesn’t deserve the title of father with that comment). There are many reasons a date might not turn into more (though ghosting is rude for any reason). Keep putting yourself out there, and you’ll find the right person, possibly when you least expect it.
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u/ValoraTCas 1d ago
I've been in your situation in the past. I have spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, but I am mobile and could mask fairly well.
I used online dating to meet potential partners. I don't recommend mentioning your disability on dating apps or sites. It is better to mention it briefly during your face to face meeting. Very briefly, let them ask questions and try not to be too upset if you are ghosted.
One guy sent me a long text about how he didn't think it would be a good idea to have a relationship with me because of my disability. I sent a ticked off message back, reminding him that it was a first date with no expectations.
About a year into dating, I met the man who I've been married to for over ten years.
Possible trigger warning
I don't recommend putting anything about your disability online because there are some unscrupulous people out there looking for vulnerable individuals. I was targeted by one of those as a 19 year old and sexually assaulted. This was not related to the internet, he went to my school.
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u/asugradinwa 1d ago
Best to be upfront with it on the profile. You don’t have to say you have CP. What I used to do is say that I had a disability that prevented any balance required activities such as Rock Climbing or Bike Riding. Now I realize that at 44 I experienced a different dating culture than you have experienced.
It takes a lot of practice. My general rule was to always discuss my disability in depth before meeting, that way there are no surprises. Did it always work? No. Did I find people worth my time and energy? Yes
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u/scottishhistorian 1d ago
Firstly, your dad sucks. He's wrong, too. Yes, there will be some people who will reject you (us) offhand. Luckily, you don't tend to talk to them.
Besides, you got two dates in a month! I'd be happy with that. This alone shows your desirability. Yes, they may not have worked out, but you are putting yourself out there.
If it makes you feel better, I've not had a like on either Tinder or Bumble in months, and I consider myself a catch still. Despite the lack of interest. (I must be like those houses you see going for millions that nobody bids on. They're intimidated by my brilliance, clearly.)
You shouldn't let the opinions of others affect your own. (Unless they are positive, and you're feeling negative, obviously.)
Good luck. Keep your chin up, and it'll work out eventually.
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u/ChildhoodUsual9252 1d ago
This is why I am always ALWAYS up front and open with people about my CP. So there are no surprises later on.
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u/mikeb31588 1d ago
I'm so sorry. Your dad sounds like my inner monolog.
You don't mention whether you disclose your CP before meeting the person. I believe it's best to do so beforehand, at least you'll save time. The last date I went on the date went well, but the more I got to know them, I didn't like them. When I broke it off, the person said, "Not even a guy in a wheelchair wants to be with me." This felt oddly empowering. I was happy my CP hurt someone other than me for once. I feel your pain.
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u/mrslII 1d ago
Your dad, and anyone else who told you that, IA an asshole ignorant ableist. He is defective-NOT YOU.
I'm going to list SOME of the things that are appealing, desirable, and yes, sexy about other human beings.
Confidence. Acceptance. Being comfortable in your own skin. Common interests. Varied interests. Intellect. Being able to participate in a conversation. A sense of humor. Genuine kindness. To name a few.
Things that are not appealing. Low self confidence. Being uncomfortable in your skin. Trying to "hide". Thinking that you are less than.
In other words- Your dad didn't do a single thing to help you be successful. He did everything to ensure that you are not.
The great news. His opinion of you is wrong. His opinion of you doesn't matter. Unless you allow it to matter.
It will take work. Unlearning what your dad told/taught you. )We believe our parents when we are young. It doesn't occur to us that they could be wrong. )You can do it ll. Then, you'll be free.
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u/Helpful-Sky4443 1d ago
Don't listen to your dad. I am a CP wife of 2.5 years. The right man will love you for who you are!
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u/Entire_Channel_4592 1d ago
First. Big F u to your dad.
Second. I'm gonna tell you this as a 45 year old woman with spastic diplegic cerebral palsy.
There are men who will love you. I couldn't date in my early 20s to save my life. I sometimes felt like I repelled men.
But I've been married 13 years this year to a wonderful man who understands my limitations and never makes an issue. I literally use him as a human cane when we are out in public. He's the fist to run to my door to help me.
Don't get discouraged. I know its hard. But I promise there is love out there for you.
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u/Beneficial-Mark-4566 1d ago
Your dad is absolutely wrong and I’d like to be alone in a room with him for just 5 minutes; that’s all I need.
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u/PuzzleheadedBat2771 1d ago
You're dad's an asshole. I get it, growing up my parents told me all the time "regular people won't want you", "no on will ever love you", "you're worthless", etc.
That being said, those type of parents are full of sh!t. There is NOTHING wrong with you that makes you less deserving of the love, affection and connection you want.
All you need to do is find someone who deserves you, who sees you for you and not your disability.
Growing up, I was scared to even talk to girls for fear of rejection or being made fun of(it happened to me daily). Then after High School, I met my person. She saw me, never cared about my CP and treats me the way I wanted to be treated. We've been together 25 years and have 3 wonderful kids.
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u/JoeDog93 19h ago
32 M spastic diplegia
At least you had dates in the first place. I never met chicks so eager to pay the dinner bill so they wouldn't have to call it a date.
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u/DecemberToDismember 15h ago
I've often felt "no one wants a disabled husband". I don't even get to the stage of going on a date. The reactions range from pity, disgust, anger, shock when I dare to ask a woman out.
Awful that your dad would say that to you though. My mum was the opposite- she herself acquired a disability and often said, "no one wants me", but her brain couldn't associate that with me. She thought I was wonderful and perfect and loved me unconditionally. She wanted grandkids so bad. Unfortunately, she passed away recently and I couldn't give her that.
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u/1000_pizzaslices 1d ago
First off, your dad is the opposite of supportive and understanding in saying that to someone so young and vulnerable, so that didn’t help. I have mild left side hemiplegia and cutting food is always an issue for me, but I let people know my condition if it isn’t obvious in hopes they understand. You need to find your people—the empathetic, understanding, patient ones. Sounds like a loss for these people you went on dates with. You’ll find them someday.
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u/J_Beastmode18 1d ago
The right one will come along ive dated able bodied and disabled women my girlfriend also has cp and we look at each other as normal human beings we don't see our disability we love each other for who we are the right one will come along when you least expect it and will love you for you
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u/coprosperityglobal 1d ago
What's wrong? Them. Just try others, as I did before finding my wife. It is just a matter of 'brain' and 'love'. Go where you fell the love in the poeple, stay away from idiots ❤️
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u/Embarrassed_Ad_968 1d ago
28yr woman with spastic hemiplegia and a loving husband here.
Your dad is the problem, not you. I promise.
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u/Wooden_Bell7419 1d ago
Your father was wrong! My husband loves me, and my CP has never been a problem. We have been together for 20 years and have 5 children between the two of us. Do you think people who don’t have CP have certain things they can’t do or don’t struggle with? Every person in word has a “disability” of some type! When you meet the right person they will love you unconditionally! And shame on your father for being a jerk!!
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u/whitneyscreativew 1d ago
I know the feeling. My dad said/says the same to me. I haven't went on a date all my life im 30yrs. I hope one day I will find my person but I'm starting to give up if I'm being honest.
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u/anonhumanontheweb 1d ago
Your dad’s comment is cruel — and COMPLETELY wrong. You’ll find your person. I’m 30F with hemiplegia as well, and I met my boyfriend just over 3 years ago. I told him I have CP on our third day of talking because we’d both been extremely open and chatty up to that point. He didn’t run. He was loving and accepting, and every time we step out, he wants to be seen with me.
Good guys still exist, and the right one will love every part of you. You’ll find a good one ❤️
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u/LauraPalmer20 1d ago
The comments on this post are so heartwarming - don’t give up OP!! I’m a 38F with mild CP and still hope to meet my person, I know he’s out there!
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u/BlazingPalm 1d ago
I imagine you a a beautiful person, inside and out. It sounds so cliche, but you should keep trying, keep meeting people. Some (many?) will end like these chumps, but there ARE good, single people around. You will find one, but it may take some tough effort. You can do it- I wish you best of luck!
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u/No_Lynx1343 1d ago
Sounds like you ran into a couple people who were not open minded.
Your father is a useless prick, by the way.
I have CP (mild spastic) but I am married for 15 years now.
I'm not sure what you mean by "cutting your food".
Do you mean you had trouble trying yourself?
Or they tried to cut it for you without being asked?
Or were you very embarrassed and it stuck in your mind?
My wife is average, however she does have knee/foot problems and I've needed to help her from time to time.
We all will eventually. (I've started developing arthritis in both knees.)
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u/onions-make-me-cry 1d ago
Late to the party but I think your dad is so wrong. I've always had a boyfriend or husband my entire life, and my stepmom used to call me a guy magnet because of how much male attention I got. And my CP is very visible.
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u/learner842 1d ago
I am so sorry and I have totally been there. What i can tell you is never ever settle. You will find the guy that wants to be your partner and support you. Hes out there
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u/cherrymachete 1d ago
I’ve been where you are, was really connecting with a guy and was ghosted when I revealed I had cerebral palsy. It hurts like a motherfucker. On the other end of the spectrum, I was groomed as a teen by an older man who purposely went after disabled girls.
But I will say this, your dad sounds a prick. I got into a relationship with an amazing guy afterwards and even though we went our separate ways, I’m so thankful I had that experience.
I hope things get better for you, friend.
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u/EffectiveFickle7451 1d ago
The most important thing is self love. And if your family loves you for you are. Unless other people can see that just love yourself
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u/throwaway1510125 23h ago
I dont have cp, my daughter does. But I was diagnosed with advanced arthritis, bursitis, and tendinitis at 12 and am a weird mix of stiff and hyper mobile. The right guy wont care. Theyll love you medical side and all. I am I a lot of pain and walk a bit funny sometimes but the only thing my husband does about it is support and help. In the last 6 almost 7 years he's known me I've detrerioted quite a bit too. We have 2 kids and im pregnant with our third/last. Dating honestly just sucks. My husband's roommate introduced us and we hit it off immediately. So I was lucky there.
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u/Ok-Wishbone5689 20h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this I am too. Dating is hard but it’s extra hard for us. For me, it was more about my weight and also the wheelchair, so I get being ghosted. Also your dad was horrible for saying that! If you need someone to talk to my messages are open girl 💞
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u/ChloeTear 14h ago
I know it’s hard, but I’m always upfront about having CP when I go on dates so I know it doesn’t bother them. If they’re bothered by it, it’s not worth your time. I’m also 27F with left hemiplegia. I met my partner 3 years ago and we get married next year. I met him online via bumble.
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u/motherof16paws 13h ago
As a mom and a person with diplegic CP, what your dad said is reprehensible and not true. It sounds so damn cliche, but when the right one comes along your CP won't matter and will probably grow into something your significant other loves about you. When we were dating, my husband said "damn I love the way your ass moves when you walk." I cried messy, messy tears. 15 years later he still says it. I always tell him it's a good thing that butts and boobs were his thing and not (shudder) feet. Bc my CP feet are...something.
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u/Crazycrockett3000 12h ago
I’ll be honest with you. I have a form of a stroke when I was a young baby. It makes me look like I have cerebral palsy and I am undesirable to most women. However, if you keep going on dates or join a group of people to go out to eat with some guy will probably look past your disability
Personally, as I got older, I have more confidence than I was younger and because that confidence shows I’ve had better results on dates and longer relationships doesn’t quite fix the long-term thing though
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u/Throwaway45388 1d ago
Agree with u/ZeekeTheG. If I were on a date with you, I’d be uncomfortable with the fact that you tried to hide your disability. If you’re on a date, let them know how CP affects you so they’re not caught off guard.
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u/Imaginary-Type8105 1d ago edited 1d ago
I hear you, I'm a guy and I've done everything right, dress good, got a decent job, independent, try to stay somewhat healthy, hide my limp best I can. Get a somewhat ok match on dating apps now and then, have a great conversation through text and meet irl. Just when my hopes get up a little it's always the same shit "you make me feel so safe", "you're such a nice guy", "youre so funny"
Follow up after the date and it's always 👻
I know they'd never out of politeness but I wish somebody would just be honest with me
There are people out there who'd love you for who you are, I believe that must exists for me too, but they're damn hard to find. Even finding friends who aren't shit is hard.
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