r/ChildrenofDeadParents • u/xala123 • 5d ago
Mom moving on very fast is making me irrationally upset
My dad died in December. I'm going through a divorce and have had to move apartments since then and I live 5 hours from my family and everything has just been all over the place. My mom started dating someone who is covered in red flags 2-3 months ago. I'm not taking it well. I haven't met him yet but I guess she introduced him to my other family members over the weekend. I'm terrified he'll be there at Christmas or the holidays. My heart is broken and I can't control my anger. I know it's irrational because I'm a grown woman. But something about it makes me feel even more alone. Has anyone else been able to stop that anger? I'm so heartbroken and it's just hard to control.
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u/CherishNicole15 5d ago
My dad got a girlfriend not long after my mom died. I (26F) was PISSED. I felt like my mom’s body wasn’t even cold yet. But he’s just simply a different person than he was when my mom was alive. All he knew was my mom. They had me very young and were together ever since. He promised her til death, and that’s what he gave her. We are all human. He’s not “moving on” from my mom. My mom is still very much a part of his life. Even though his girlfriend now lives with him, mom is still very much there. We have her urn set up as a shrine. Their photos are still on the walls where they have been since I was a child. My dad was (for the most part) up front and honest with myself and my 4 siblings about having a girlfriend. I found out later than the rest but I think it was because he was afraid to tell me in fear I would shut him out, which I did for a few weeks. I didn’t talk to him, didn’t answer things in the family group chat, silence. But I came around and realized, we’re all human and he really was looking for a companion, not someone to replace my mom. When she moved in, he asked myself and my siblings how we felt before inviting her to live in our childhood home. We’ve made it very clear she is not our step mom regardless of whether they get married (which they said they don’t want to) or not. She’s the sweetest lady, and she brings along 2 more kids to add to the bunch. She’s become a friend to us kids. It’s okay to feel hurt and like it’s crazy, because it honestly is. But we’re all human. Take your time to grieve your dad and the relationship that was. It doesn’t necessarily get easier but it will feel smaller in time. Much love, OP.
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u/HeftySeaworthiness7 2d ago
At least he asked you how you feel about her moving in. My dad recently got a girlfriend and constantly brings her up, knowing that I am uncomfortable with her there at my mom’s house.
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u/Alternative-Try5526 5d ago
This sounds so similar to my own situation, my dad died on December 31st - and by the second week of February my mom was calling to tell me that she is going on dates.
I can’t say I have been able to stop the anger that comes from my mom’s actions, but it has brought me peace to know that I have my own special memories with my dad, and I cherish those everyday, even if my mom’s is acting disrespectfully.
This weekend actually I finally reached a breaking point and told my mom I don’t want to hear about her dating life and drew a hard boundary around the topic. I find it to be extremely uncomfortable and it causes me a lot of pain given how much my dad did for her.
I have been writing letters to my dad during my regular journaling, and that has helped quite a bit as I processed my complicated feelings caused by my mom and how they have affected my grieving process.
Your feelings aren’t irrational, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You deserve space and respect in your grieving, and your mom isn’t giving you that.
My condolences for your loss, sending you love.
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u/xala123 5d ago
Thank you so much for sharing your story in this comment. February is painfully fast. I'm grossed out by any man jumping at a new widow like that. I have also set the same boundary, but she kind of has a history of just ignoring my boundaries and she just talks about him anyway. My cousin messaged me about meeting him and I was floored. She drove him two hours for this. Anyway, just thank you again for your comment and I'm so sorry we have the same thing happening. I just never expected this.
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u/Sea-Conflict-7793 5d ago
this is gonna sound funny and still irrational but trust me if she decided jumping into a new relationship and willing to introduce the partner to the family circle this simply gives you a green signal that she only doesn't want to play games with any man around due to the fact that you're also a grownup cheat on the same shit. Just embrace and let it be
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u/ohdatpoodle 5d ago
When my dad died in 2018, my mom basically spent no time selling ALL OF HIS BELONGINGS and their home (my childhood home) without offering me anything. They were very comfortable financially so it was not for money - she chose to get rid of every memory in an estate sale and move to a condo solo which she fully renovated to her liking, bought herself a new car in cash, and then barely spoke to anyone. She rotted away watching Fox News until her rapid decline and sudden death this March. A different kind of anger for me of course, but it is an anger and a hurt that just sucks to carry. It's a lot better on your own sanity to - in time, maybe - try to accept it as part of her grieving process and not let the anger take over. In retrospect, my grief process when I lost my dad was consumed by anger toward my mom, and that was backwards. I let that happen, and I wish I had just focused on working through adjusting to my dad being gone.