How did you start recognizing your own worth after heartbreak?

[u/Mammoth-Flan-2185]

I went through a breakup in 2023, and here I am in 2025 still unpacking what it taught me. What makes me sad is that I didn’t really know my worth until he broke my heart. I didn’t have standards, I didn’t know what boundaries were, and I confused love with just holding on.

Now, looking back, I can see how much of myself I gave away without even realizing it. It hurts, but it’s also eye-opening. I feel like I’m starting from scratch, learning how to set standards, how to value myself, how to be clear about what I deserve.

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar:

How did you start recognizing your own worth after heartbreak?

What helped you turn sadness into strength?

How do you keep your standards without feeling “too much” for others?

TIA

[u/Amarant2]

The kind of person that is a good significant other is the kind of person that respects themselves and their boundaries. It doesn't always seem like that right away, but I have a couple friends who are married and the dude literally just plays games all day. She works, cooks, cleans, and even when there's free food available, he doesn't go and get it. She enables, and he takes advantage. As a result, they're both becoming worse people because of each other. If she put her foot down and demanded respect, he would become better. If he stepped up and respected her, he would become better. Then her stress levels would go down and because he would be working, they would have better financial security.

It's easy to see in a situation like that, but it can be extrapolated all over the place. Your worth is higher when you have boundaries and respect for yourself and the other. To be clear: you have worth anyway and I know you're struggling to see that. However, now that you know that boundaries and standards are good, you can start to see how those things make both of you better. If you see how they make you better, you start to see what you're bringing to the table. All of YOUR boundaries and standards are things that you're using to make each of you better, which provides a visible difference in the relationship and can help you see why you're valuable.

This will in no way declare your full value, as you're worth much more than you'll ever see from a significant other, but it can help you start. Hope it helps. Good luck, friend!

[u/kan5187 → u/Amarant2]

How do you set boundaries without causing bigger issues, especially when the other person might feel like you're trying to control them?

[u/Amarant2 → u/kan5187]

Your boundaries should be about how you're treated, not how they treat themselves or how they act on their own time. You get to decide what you put up with. If they feel like you're trying to control them, one of two things are happening: either A) they are manipulating you to be able to do whatever they want and treat you in a way you don't accept or B) you are making boundaries that are inappropriate because they limit the other person's freedom. As long as your boundaries are about how YOU are treated, you do get to decide that.

Examples could include boundaries that say you don't want to be touched during the night, or you don't want to be joked with in an area you're sensitive about. Boundaries about how they keep their home aren't appropriate. You don't have to be there if you don't like it and that's fine, but how they keep their home is up to them.

If boundaries are causing bigger issues, it's because of a lack of respect, either for you or for them.

[u/kan5187 → u/Amarant2]

Got it, but how should you respond when someone makes you feel unvalued, unappreciated, and uncared for, like you're not truly a part of their life and not a priority to them? Is this a situation where you should set boundaries?

[u/Amarant2 → u/kan5187]

Yeah. For sure. How that looks differs for each person and in each situation, so I can't give a solid one-size-fits-all answer for which boundaries should be set and when, but yes.

Our emotions are very interesting. They exist to help us. If you are made angry, it's because your mind is trying to tell you that something isn't right. It's a call to action. Loneliness is a call to companionship. Happiness is a call to repetition. Each emotion is a trigger telling us the recommended path forward. However, they can be fooled. For instance, you've no doubt been surrounded by friends while still feeling lonely. You've been happy eating mcdonalds when you know it's bad for you. Emotions exist to help us, but they are not the final call. What you need is to evaluate each emotion and learn what it's trying to tell you, then make an informed decision about what your next step should be. When someone acts in a way that makes you feel undervalued, it could be either a misunderstanding or the actual facts. If it's a misunderstanding, you can clear it and move past the emotional response. If it's the facts, you can set a boundary. Emotions are a tool, but not the final call.

An absurd, though fitting, example to help you out: if you are cooking on the stove and there's a lit fire heating your food, you're not going to go dancing around and flailing your arms. You'll FEAR the fire and the results of touching it. Good! You should fear it! That fear is an emotion that's keeping you safe. It seems negative, but it isn't. It's a warning about negative consequences. So your next action should be a response to that fear. Most people would choose to calm their movements near the fire to maintain safety. However, you could instead choose to run across the home, jump straight through the closed window, fall onto the front lawn, then run screaming with your arms above your head down the street. It sounds absurd because it is. That is an overactive response to the fear emotion, but it IS in line with what that fear is telling you to do: get away from the source of the danger. Instead, you could contain and reduce the danger by simply limiting your own movements. Each emotion is there to help you, but can be overused easily by engaging in a response that is disproportionate. Your emotions are tools that can be used to your benefit.

[u/kan5187 → u/Amarant2]

Thanks a lot for the detailed explanation, much appreciated.

[u/Amarant2 → u/kan5187]

I hope it can help! Good luck, friend!

[u/Boo-Boo-Bean]

I had amazing self worth before he broke my heart 💔 I doubted everything after he dumped me. I no longer feel I’m worth anything. I feel so worthless and insignificant. I feel ugly. I feel hopeless. I feel old. I feel shame. I feel disgust with myself. I feel sadness. I feel pain. All the time. I feel hurt. I feel left out. I feel ghosted and ignored. I feel silly. I feel like there’s no value to me at all.

Every drop of confidence I had in who I was broke alongside the heartbreak I received.

It’s so much better when someone tells you they don’t like you. Verbalize they don’t want you. But when someone behaves like you’re invisible, completely ignores you and walks out like never to be happened. That’s pain I would not wish even on my biggest enemies 💔

Not only does it hurt but it really fucks up deep rooted convictions of yourself. It makes you doubt and question everything about you.

Indifference. Ghosting. Avoiding confrontation. All after giving you attention and care like you’re in heaven. The transformation from someone there seeing you like a prize to completely ignoring you is a type and level of pain I seriously never experienced in my life.

I get so sad and scared when I see people talk about how long it’s taking them to heal. Like years. It’s only been a week since I’ve been dumped and I feel like I’m dying inside. I’m terrified of being stuck for years like this.

Last time I had a crush on someone it took me 10 years to finally feel ready to open up my heart and put myself out there.

And this is my first real relationship in my early 40s. I just don’t feel like I’m looking forward to anything anymore. I’m so tired. It’s like a lifetime of waiting to feel happy and then feeling happy for 3 months immediately followed by the biggest pain. An entire year gone from my life feeling so let down by someone I felt I trusted more than anyone on this planet 💔

It sucks. I feel I don’t want to ever experience love again but at the same time I felt how good it felt when he was attracted to me and I wish I could have that so badly one day.

I just don’t have time or energy or hope to lift a finger. I literally fight every fucking hour to get myself out of bed. It’s hell.

[u/AffectionateRange768]

I understood that my value was attached to what I could do for others, not for myself. So, for a month, I kept a strict count of every time I said "yes" to someone and every time I said "yes" to myself for my own stuff. If the ratio wasn't 50/50, it was bright red.

[u/Weary_Aardvark_1125]

Oof I resonate heavily. I am still on this path currently, so I haven’t fully unconditioned myself yet.

I would highly recommend listening to the Slumflower hour podcast.

[u/ChezySpam]

How do you keep your standards without feeling “too much” for others?

I’m learning to allow others to set their boundaries. I would try not to push, not realizing that I was totally missing the mark. People wanted to help, they wanted to do activities with me, they wanted to help me, dates wanted me to be more assertive.

Now I’m not running in making demands, but I am being more forward with what I want and listening to feedback. I’ve realized most everyone else does the same and it works fine. There are those that stretch too far, but there are plenty of unheeded warning signs and those of us that have self awareness probably won’t overcorrect that far.