r/Firefighting • u/ItsBrittanyBeach88 • Feb 12 '25

Ask A Firefighter Firefighter Boyfriend has drinking problem

Hi everyone. My boyfriend who is a fire fighter has a really bad drinking problem to the point he gets blackout drunk and is verbally abusive. He drinks and drives during the day on the days he has off. I’m concerned he can’t handle the stress of the job and uses alcohol as a coping method. I’ve talked with his exes and he has had these same issues for years… probably 6 years at least. he is already on “last chance agreement” and is randomly drug tested. He always passes bc he doesn’t drink before his shift or during. But on his days off he is drunk by 3pm.

What can I do to get him help before he gets fired, gets a DUI or hurts someone? Can I anonymously send an email to his union? I just want him to get help. I know he is suffering from PTSD and other mental health issues. Any advice about resources would be appreciated

Update: Thank you for all the great advice (and the insults!! Made me laugh and I have writing material now. Looking at you Meat Puppet.) I’ve contacted his mom and brother and told them everything. I relayed the resources/info to them and I’m walking away forever. His brother is a firefighter so hopefully he will talk some sense into him. It’s their responsibility now. Not mine. Peace out ✌🏻

219 Upvotes

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113

u/falafeltwonine Lift Assist Junkie Feb 12 '25

Boyfriend is the key word here, ditch this loser and maybe he will realize he’s throwing away his life

60

u/ItsBrittanyBeach88 Feb 12 '25 edited Feb 16 '25

Yes I am going to dump him. I’ve been talking with his exes today and it’s becoming clear that he has a pattern. Im trying to tread lightly rn. Before I ditch him I at least want to give him options on how to help himself.

Leave him a letter where it says something like this “I really care about you but your drinking has changed you for the worst…at home and at work. I’m leaving you now… just like your past girlfriends did (they said you were always drunk and verbally abusive and yes I talked with them). I’m leaving you some info so hopefully in the future you can get some help.”

32

u/falafeltwonine Lift Assist Junkie Feb 12 '25

Leave him tonight so you don’t have to waste money on his birthday

-19

u/shocktop6 Feb 12 '25

So why’d you make this post if you already made up your mind?

65

u/SlayerofDeezNutz Feb 12 '25 edited Feb 12 '25

Before she ditches him she wants to give him options. She is asking this sub for help to provide options.

34

u/ItsBrittanyBeach88 Feb 12 '25

Yes thank you! Someone finally understands. If I wanted relationship advice I would go to that sub 🤣🤣🤣 I’m asking what resources or programs are out there for CA City Firefighters who have severe PTSD and drinking issues? He will have a hard time looking into programs himself bc he is still in denial. BUT if I leave him some info about how to help himself he might actually give it a chance one day. That is my hope. I’ll be long gone but for his safety and others I want to leave him with some resources. Ive been through many years of therapy and I can see he is just hurting inside. He trusts me to speak the truth and hopefully eventually look at himself in the mirror and realize he needs help. Everyone deserves help… or at least be given a chance to seek help. I can’t do it anymore that’s why I’m asking you guys…

9

u/SlayerofDeezNutz Feb 12 '25

I hear you. You clearly care. I’m not a firefighter or from Cali so frankly I have nothing to offer you just that, with substance abuse and addiction, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before they come around. It sounds counter intuitive, but 1) you can’t waste your time helping someone who is not willing to help themselves and 2) hitting rock bottom awakens that drive to fight for life, so to speak.

Cheers.

15

u/Previous_Rent3489 Feb 12 '25

Sounds like she would not be the first, either. I agree, break it off. His sobriety is his responsibility.

13

u/ItsBrittanyBeach88 Feb 12 '25

Yes yes yes I know it’s his sole issue. But I would like to report him or give him resources before he kills someone while drinking and driving ya know?!

I’m not asking for you guys to solve my relationships issues… I’m asking how I can report him or get resources for firefighters that have drinking problems… is there a union or something?

6

u/falafeltwonine Lift Assist Junkie Feb 12 '25

He’ll have to do that on his own. If you report him either nothing will happen at all or he will get fired.

-4

u/No_Helicopter_9826 Feb 12 '25

What the fuck is wrong with you?

1

u/falafeltwonine Lift Assist Junkie Feb 12 '25

Plenty

-35

u/OntFF Feb 12 '25

Gonna load the gun before you hand it to him, or hoping he figures it out himself?

16

u/falafeltwonine Lift Assist Junkie Feb 12 '25

If you kill yourself over a failed relationship, you were going to do it anyways. Leaving someone toxic shouldn’t have to come with that worry.

-19

u/OntFF Feb 12 '25

Or abandoning someone who needs help... we're seeing this situation in two very different lights, seems like.

14

u/matt_chowder Feb 12 '25

They have to want to help themselves

4

u/CoopWags17 Feb 12 '25

You can say all the things in the world to them. They are a slave to bottle and no one is gonna get them clean but themselves, support or no support.

7

u/6TangoMedic Canadian Firefighter Feb 12 '25

They're just dating. They're not married. She isn't his fiancé. There's not even any context to how long they've been dating. There's no context to how long they have even been in a relationship.

There is a lot of factors here.

Maybe when/if the relationship ends, she may still be there to help him, just as a friend instead of a girlfriend/partner.

Have you also considered that she said he was verbally abusive? So since he is having a problem they have to stay in a abusive relationship?

You need to understand that a situation like this doesn't have a simple answer. Every situation is different.

9

u/ItsBrittanyBeach88 Feb 12 '25

Thank you for saying this. I’m not a women that needs to be saved. I’m fine. I’m a smart, strong woman who cares about others mental well being. If he decides he is ready for help… I’ll be there as a friend to help him navigate therapy. I’ve always talked openly about therapy to him and how much it has helped me. He goes thru a lot with his job and I believe it is affecting his mental state. When he sober he actually so freaking sweet and kind. Alcohol changes people!

Life is not as simple as “ditch the jerk” or “there’s no way to get him help if he doesn’t want it” … reality is quite more complex than that. Maybe leaving bread crumbs for him to see the errors of his ways will eventually hit him like a ton of bricks. As for now, that’s all I can do and leave like the rest of ‘em. We both are in our late 30s so having a more compassionate approach feels like the right thing to do.

1

u/light_sweet_crude career FF/PM Feb 12 '25

So how long does she have to stick around before he's responsible for his own actions? Until he gets physical with her? Until he runs over a kid? Be so fucking for real right now.