I resigned from a volly department

[u/wolfgang9996]

After much deliberation I decided to resign from a volunteer department in my town. Though I don't regret it, I write with a heavy heart. I tried to juggle my full time job, renovating my entire kitchen to the studs while my wife was pregnant (we had a fixer upper that had a mouse infested kitchen that needed a full gut), and do volly.

I made the few calls and the meetings I could, I was only on the department over a year or so. I took fire 1 while I was in between jobs because I got fired right before my son was born. Between all this stress I cracked during the training when we navigated the rooms blindfolded with full kit on. I just couldn't do it to myself anymore, you can't measure adrenaline or cortisol but mine must've been off the charts, and I just told the trainer I tapped out. All the while nursing a neck injury I've had since I was 18 from being rear ended and getting whiplash. Must've been week 4 or 5 of fire 1.

I guess I am just writing this to just state my piece, because I just told my captain I couldn't complete the class and that it was pretty much the end of the road for me as this was going to be my last push while I was unemployed. Right around that time I got a very good job offer about 45 minutes away, eating up even more time in a commute (not to mention a good pay increase and overall better job than the one I got fired from). Maybe this is the universe nudging me where I need to go. I have recurring dreams about the department, the last one a fireman died and the other guys on the department told me to not even bother going to the funeral because I don't care.

It's been heavy for me and objectively I am a bit of a late starter (31 now) and already have existing neck/back injuries. It just sucks to feel like the dream is dead...my dad was career so I feel like I have some of the "mental" game just from my upbringing...but my body just won't carry the load. It's the story of my life. Personality wise I have always fit in with ex military, mechanics, bikers you name it but when the rubber hit the road with this experiment I just cracked...just telling you all not to garner sympathy but just a guy who's telling his truth.

the end

[u/EatinBeav]

You can measure cortisol

[u/[deleted] → u/EatinBeav]

I detect high cortisol when I'm hyperventilating and stop and deep breathe and watch it come down like clock work. Nervous system is totally controllable through breath work.