my life has been 15 years of hell, and I have lost of my only two friends she killed herself on Saturday I only found out on Wednesday

She struggled with depression and ADHD. I tried to help — I got her a bus pass, offered to pay for a hotel when things were bad 3 times reminded her she wasn’t alone. We connected through childhood trauma, and I cared about her deeply.

Now she’s gone, and I can’t stop blaming myself. Why didn’t I message her everyday why didn’t I go to her place it was on the other side of London I could have walked it I’d rather she was annoyed at me than gone forever.

I whanted to save her I been where she has but all I did was fail her. I feel like a coward for not ending my own life, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I what to die

I apologize in advance that this is very, very long. And I apologize for any typos, I tried rereading and correcting what I wrote. I (32F) met my first boyfriend when I was 26. I had a tough upbringing related to different forms of abuse and trauma. I grew up scared of boys and men and I was unable to be comfortable around them one on one. I even had the same issues with one of my brothers and my dad to give an example of how severe it was. But then I met Brandon. We met on tinder and I did something I thought I’d never do-I invited him over to my place. It was love at first sight, I felt so drawn to him and so comfortable. We moved fast in our relationship (not sexually). We texted for a couple days before I met him, then he asked me to be his girlfriend after 4 days, and he slowly moved in throughout the next couple months. He unofficially moved in after 3 months and then basically officially after 5. After that we were inseparable. We happened to meet January of 2020. Then luck would have it that I got furlough the next month and he followed the month after. So we were together every day. Going on walks, hanging out with his family or mine, he would take me fishing, we would go bowling. Sometimes even just lay in bed and be lazy and watch movies or our shows. He also had his own lawn and landscaping business and sometimes I would go with him and help on certain jobs. We had an amazing summer. Our relationship was perfect and he was the best boyfriend. However, he has a history or alcoholism running in his family (his dad, his mom, his brother, and both his aunts) and he did struggle with his own alcoholism during our relationship, but it didn’t really affect our relationship unless he was around his family, particularly his mom. His drinking didn’t start affecting our relationship until about 1.5 years. He was never abusive, but it did affect our relationship nonetheless. But I stayed with him because I loved him and I knew it wasn’t him. I don’t believe that alcoholic shows your true colors, I see it as the mean “drug”. For some people it just makes them angry and argumentative and god it was like talking to a child sometimes. And this only happened when he hit a certain point in his active drinking. We went through changes throughout our relationship, we moved to a new state for a fresh start (November 2021), but unfortunately it wasn’t the best time in our lives, mostly separately dealing with our own issues mostly our jobs. His drinking was not the best, but not the worst. But it got so much worse progressively after he met his former friend, Michael at his job (2022). Michael was a horrible alcoholic, he could be violent (not to us). He wasn’t drinking consistently, at least not right away. He kind of went back and forth from him having a handle on it and then him slipping and loosing control and reaching that point of abuse. Tbh I don’t know if his actions would have affected me the same way if I didn’t go through my trauma. Compared to other alcoholics I’ve personally known who struggled with their addiction were 10x worse. It was more just he hurt my feelings. Then we decided to move to another state, however those plans fell through and we decided to move in with his dad (May 2023-back to the state we met and lived in before). At that time his dad was beyond struggling with his addiction and it resulted in Brandon’s drinking getting worse. To the point he was drinking from morning to late at night. He was drinking so heavily to the point of him having 3 sleeves a day (30 shots). I was starting to feel neglected, I never woke up next to him (he was always upstairs drinking with his dad) and I never went to sleep next to him. So I decided to move out to stay with my mom temporarily (June 2023). I didn’t want to break up, I just needed a break because I was starting to resent him and I hated that feeling. I had my break and I moved back in around August 2023. He was still struggling with his addiction, but he made it a point to be more attentive and to not let me feel that way again. September he made the choice to quit for himself and for us. However, through the process of quitting his body essentially went into shock. He was violently ill for three days and after it subsided he still got sick sometimes. I had to assist him going to the bathroom or going up the stairs, but essentially he was bed ridden. Thankfully I was working part time and was mostly at home, in bed with him. Even through him pain, he was the old Brandon. We talked about everything, we theorized and we conspired and we debated and we just fell in love all over again. Sadly he passed away in October 2023. I woke up next to him and I still remember the sight of him laying next to me. I moved in with my mom right after and took some of Brandon’s personal belongings that were okayed by his mom and dad and brother. I’m surprised I’m still alive honestly, I stayed in my room for seven days straight without drinking or eating anything, just only getting out of bed to use the bathroom. Eventually I started venturing out, usually only with my mom, but then sometimes alone, but I had to avoid all the streets and all the places that reminded me of him, which usually resulted me going at least 20 minutes out of the way using side streets. Then my family suggested I move to another state I sure to live, where I had other family, for a fresh start and so I’m not reminded of the trauma everywhere I look (January 2024). I felt better in the sense that I could relax in my surroundings. I was still dealing with my grief. But I got a good job, working with my niece (22F) and I got my own apartment the next month. However I had a very intense manic episode that lasted off and on with mixed states (May-September). I felt a little more in control the next couple months, but then I fell into a dark depression (December 2023-January 2024). The lingering depression lasted a few months, but since May I’ve been feeling really good. But I’m still dealing with the loss of Brandon. Yes, we had a toxic relationship in a sense, but it was my decision to stay, because I loved him and I knew he wasn’t going to change until he decided to quit. He still made an effort, until he got to that certain point, and even then it wasn’t that bad until moving in with his dad. And in the end he chose to quit for us essentially and I am so proud and so happy. Those last couple months were heaven to me. I fell in love with him again. I also learned from his dad that he was going to propose to me that following year (2024). I’ve been thinking about him a lot these last few months. I still miss him so much and I feel so guilty for not being more aware of the process of quitting alcohol. But in the end I’m grateful that he passed the way he did (in his sleep), because I know with the amount he was drinking and how excessively, I knew he had to have damaged his body and we both didn’t want him experiencing that. We spent those last few weeks talking about his passing because we knew it was inevitable with how quick his health was declining. And he talked about my life after he was gone, how he wanted me to find love again and to be happy and to continue on (I don’t like the saying moving on). Even through our ups and downs, he was and still will always be my soulmate. I had lost the ability to live for myself very early on. I was always living for others and then eventually my cats. Brandon was the closest I have ever been to living for myself, because I was living for us. I lost that feeling after he passed, I’m living for my cats right now, and I’m ok with that. Before I met him I felt like there was a piece missing inside me, a gaping hole, then I met him and his piece didn’t completely fit, but it was enough to make me the happiest I’ve ever been, even through most of our downs. After is passing, he took his piece with him and a slightly bigger piece and I don’t think it’s going to be filled. I’ve been feeling this way nearly my entire life and I don’t think it’s going to change anytime soon and I’ve accepted that a very long time ago and I’ve made life with it. I’m happy with my life at the moment, but that void is still there. I’ve grieved in my own way. I made a few mini phone albums of all of our pictures togethers and some of just him. The last 1.5 years of our relationship throughout his bad moments of drinking we had a special thing that whenever we kissed goodbye, we kissed three times. We also made it a point to say “I love you” every time we left, even if it was just for a quick run to the store. Throughout the first 5 months after his passing I got three tattoos to honor him. 1) his zodiac sign with his birth/passing dates, 2) his name and xoxo and a cute saying we said all in his handwriting (I gifted him tons of cards and handwritten notes throughout our relationship for the major/minor holidays and even just for random reasons when I just happened to be thinking about him. He gifted me some as well, but not a crazy amount as me) and 3) his signature and a heart he drew I don’t believe in multiple soulmates, but I do believe that you can fall in love again, just not to that point. However, at the moment I’m just focusing on living my life. I just moved out of my apartment and into a nice house with my dad (in the same current state) and I am enjoying my job and I’ve been making better life choices since the beginning of this year, so I’m proud of myself for that. But I still miss the little things. Brandon was an amazing texter. Always replied, never left on read, always let me know when he was busy and wouldn’t be able to reply as much. He always matched my energy. I have a history of being a job hopper (a bad habit I’m trying to break-I’ve been at this new job for 5 months) but every time I was told I was doing a great job or I was complimented, he would just encourage me and root me on basically. If he hadn’t been influenced by his family or his friends, maybe he would have acted differently regarding his drinking. But I try not to dwell on the what ifs. All I know is he is at peace and all of his insecurities and worries and addiction are all left behind and he’s truly himself and happy. And I know he’s waiting for me for whenever my time comes to pass. I’m not suicidal, if I was going to end my life I would have a long time ago. But I’m more accepting of death, that when the time comes I won’t fight it. Even with his addiction and his problems, he was the best boyfriend I think I’ll ever have honestly. Let’s just say I made some poor choices during my manic episode and I met a lot of walking red flags and a few kind of yellow flags. No green flags yet. But now that I’m in a stable mind set at the moment I’ve decided that I’m just going to focus on myself and to heal. I know I’m not ready for a real relationship. I still hold other men up to Brandon’s expectations from the first year of our relationship and how he treated me and responded to me and talked to me. And I know that that is unrealistic and not fair of me. I’m still grieving and I know I always will be, but I’m definitely still dealing with his loss. I’m sorry that this was so long, I didn’t expect to write this much and go on this much, but I just kept typing and typing away. I’m thankful to those who have read to the end and I’m sorry if this doesn’t follow in suit of the guidelines. I just wanted to talk to someone (a whole community of someone’s). Thank you and I wish everyone good thoughts and wishes and love.

I honestly don't even know what to say here, I just was wondering if anyone had some tips for loss of a pet. I'm beating myself up a lot due to the fact that I decided to put him down. I have a mix of guilt, grief, and just desolate sadness. I want some advice. He was only about a year old, and then he got really sick.

Watched my father die the other day after his long a brave journey agaisnt cancer. People telling me I have to be strong for my family. I have been strong I have been there for my mother and have to keep my household running with husband and kids but I feel like when I’m being told this it’s like I’m not allowed any room to grieve. Can anyone share ideas or situations you’ve allowed yourself to grieve?

As the title suggests I recently found out that my bf condition is getting worse and his not responding anymore to treatment. He is pushing me away now so to prevent that I'm acting like he's not sick and talk to him as normal but I can't help but to cry and have a heavy feeling in my chest. We are long distance and I got no connection to his family so I wouldn't know if he suddenly dies. I don't know what to do.

My cousins mom recently died. He's not taking it well and was considering suicide. We had a a hike scheduled but I ran into a scheduling conflict. I asked if another day worked, a day that he had confirmed he was available for. My brother thinks that I'm being insensitive and that I imposed on him.

My Grandma passed away in November of 2023.

We were extremely close. Long story short, my Grandma and Grandad basically raised me.

I was blessed enough to make it to my Grandparents house in time before the people from Funeral Home got there.

I had a few hours to sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her and cry.

When she passed, she was covered up with her blanket. I decided to keep that blanket. I washed the blanket 4 times and have kept it in a bag ever since.

Grief hits hard sometimes. Like today, all I want is my Grandma. I’m having surgery on Friday, I’m scared and I just want my grandma.

Is it weird that I kept the blanket?

I think I want to take the blanket out of the bag. I just don’t know. Maybe I’m not ready? Maybe I’m in too much of an emotional state to handle that right now?

I would do anything to see her, hear her voice and give her a hug jsut one more time.. 💔

Lost husband Aug 6 no one not even 2 of my sons. Step son.

It seems as though the saying is true; you never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory. My mom's passing taught me that grief is not something you complete or push through. Grief is something that needs to be absorbed, adjusted, and accepted. For me, that acceptance is even harder because her loss was so tangled in injustice and pain. My mother had multiple sclerosis and was paralyzed from the neck down. She depended on others for her care, but those who were supposed to help her let her down when she needed them most. Because of their neglect, she developed a bedsore that led to sepsis, and we lost her far too early. My brothers and I fought for accountability—we sued the agency responsible and won—but no amount of money will ever change how much I wish she was here.

Nothing prepares you for the death of a parent. Whether you expect it or not, it is an incalculable blow that reshapes you. Even now, I haven’t truly accepted she is gone—I don’t think I ever will, because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. My mom was and still is, in many ways, difficult to describe in words. Oddly, her absence has taught me more about her and the resilience she showed every day, enduring so much with a quiet strength. Her eyes always held something distant, seeing far beyond what was right in front of her—a look I find myself remembering often.

I try not to relive the details of her passing, because from her viewpoint, it may have felt different than it did for us. Perhaps, to her, it was just a dream she drifted through, finally free of suffering. Though it hurts to know how she was failed, I believe her soul is enriched now, able to help my brothers and me in ways we cannot see. Her suffering has ceased, and in some way, that brings comfort. Our lives go on, created with love and wisdom, and though the heartache continues, I know I will never lose her essence.

Hi this is my first post here. My baby sister is in the process of passing away. This is tough for my whole family. We had to clean out her room to make room for a hospital bed. My mom gave me a lot of my sister's things. I know she wants me to have her things, we talked about this before she got sick. I'm feeling incredibly guilty, like I stole from her and I don't know why. Could this be part of the grieving process?

My dog suffered from seizures a lot throughout the last 1 and 1/2 years they've been getting worse and worse everyday. It got so bad she died today. She was 2 years old and she died from a seizure. We had no idea what caused these seizures. We did everything to try and control them but today was a day.

My roommate just moved in. And as she was unpacking her stuff she took out cornflakes and put them in her cabinet.

She left some hours ago to go meet some friends and I just kept staring at the cornflakes then I had a panic attack and a few minutes later all I can do is cry.

My grandfather passed away last year February. My family wasn't always doing so well so my parents couldn't buy us anything for breakfast but bread. But my grandfather and grandmother every month would send 4 cartons of cornflakes and many other things for my siblings and I.

I would have never tasted them , which isn't a big deal but when all you have for breakfast is bread the small things matter. I haven't cried over his desth since April. I know some memories I triggering but it hurts so much I don't know why.

It doesn't help that I haven't really eaten anything other than bread for breakfast since his death because it feels werid.

I just want him back. I don't like showing or telling my emotions so I never told him I loved him. I just want to tell him I love him

On the day he died my mother asked me to go see him. (He was in a coma) I stood outside his door I didn't go inside I was scared to see him unconscious. I told my mother that I saw him. I regret it so much

I just wanted to vent thank you for reading

My mom died in November, and I live with my dad and stepmom, and their baby. When my mom was alive, I spent weekends at my dad’s. And then, in the middle of the day, or at night, I realize that I will never go back to my old home. Never again.

It has been a challenging time for me. Not many had known but my dad had passed away almost a year ago but still feels like yesterday. Everyday and every night, I feel like he is going to walk into the door after a hard working day...doesn't feel the same and I know it won't ever be the same. The one thing I have learned is, when a death occurs, a piece of you dies with it. Not only you are grieving about one but two deaths. Ever since that day, I have been lost and trying to find my way again, I don't know how and just been more anger, depression has been a bitch lately and just days, weeks and even months, I just want to scream and...destroy something so bad but the urges have been hard, I have been blaming myself for what happened...somethins were said, it happens in families but in confession, I never meant them and wish you could take back the things were said, but what has been said, has been said. Although, I am grateful to have a father like him and felt like I was lucky, hvaung such amazing parents. I have also been emotionally numb from everything and every day, it's hard to see the positive in things each day and lately, I just want to disappear, like I never existed. I have been doing Therapy and doing the steps to process it but sometimes I just don't want to. If it isn't for my family, therapy, friend(s) and my partner in crime, I don't know where I will be or what would of happen. It's been hard to confess this but I think it was time I have to admit to it.

It’s been almost a year since my dad passed away and all I find myself in is a rut. Like I don’t know where my life is going at the moment or what I’m meant to do. Is it common to feel this way while grieving the loss of a parent? How long does it last?

My mother has been dead for twenty years but as I clean out my recently deceased father's house it is like I am grieving for her and other relatives along with grieving for my father. A new trigger that makes me cry is finding a rather detailed address book that contained names of my parent's old friends and relatives with birth dates and anniversaries all handwritten by my mother. I was the youngest in the family and am no longer young so all these people have passed on. Losing my father who could remember all these people and family stories is the end of an era.

My mom died on the seventh and I had a couple of really rough days that first week, now it just comes in waves, but whenever I'm not occupied my mind just keeps going back to death, I keep thinking about what inexistence is like and that I'm gonna have to live through so many deaths like the death of my siblings and Dad and best friend if I don't die first, I get too distracted by it to push it out of my mind and I just start to spiral because it's inevitable, there's no other way out of life, either you end it yourself now so you have control or wait for it to come to you. If anyone has felt like this before and found some way to manage it please share, I've been trying to draw and play video games to distract myself.

Im tired been two years since my dad passed and in that time I endured a lot my dad passing, losing my job I loved, and my cat of 12 years, Meanwhile my family is torn my mom is a raging angry mess who cries all the time, tried grief groups did not work and she takes her frustration out on me. Meanwhile Im trying to find work and make ends meet but shes always putting me down as I go out on interviews anxious and upset. Im at my wits end and fear Ill lose everything I worked so hard for.. Im lost & I miss my dad everyday

My best friend and I loved going to concerts. She died last week. Now anytime I see a band coming to town, I think it’d be fun to go. Then I remember she’s not here anymore. This will be the first fall break that we don’t go to fright fest at six flags. I feel sad all the time thinking of what we could do and remembering she’s not here to do them with me.

Does it ever get easier?

My mom died when I was 12, I'm 22 now, and I'm scared I'm gonna forget what she looks and sounds like. The only thing I have that I can cling to, is her old YouTube channel but I'm scared they'll delete for being inactive for so long one day like they did her facebook. Does any other young adult who lost a parent young fear this too? And if your older, did you forget them? Her channel was Alea Vaughn (there's two of them) if you wanna check it out. She sang🥲.

I (26f) dated my now ex bf (27m) for 3 years. About 3 weeks ago I finally broke up with him after struggles for a long long time

The gist is he has a raging substance abuse issue, and has been enabled his entire life so I’m a bad guy for actually giving a shit about his life. He got a 2nd DUI about 18 months ago, so he had to drug test for about a year. It was nice knowing he wasn’t drinking but I worried about when probation ended.

However, one problem persisted. His increasingly alarming addition to kratom. First it was just the feel free shots. Eventually it evolved into taking multiple 7-OH pills a day. (Probation testing does not text for this substance)

I got so sick of the lies. Constantly telling me he wasn’t taking it. So many other things. I wasn’t even planning to break up. Not yet. It just happened. I was so sad. It was like my body had made its decision and wasn’t letting my mind get involved.

My bday was the week after we broke up. He didn’t wish me a happy birthday and I just know that if he remembered it was my birthday he would’ve said something. The birthday note isn’t a big deal at all, but I’m trying to use that as a reminder to myself that I gave WAY more of myself to him than he did to me.

Also we lived an hour apart the last year and a half of our relationship and because of probation I drove there twice a week while working full time and taking 16 credit hours in school.

Anyway, I’m feeling so sad. I want to reach out to him but I know it’s just my body grieving. There is nothing he can offer me and I deserve better. I’m also just really surprised he hasn’t reach out at all. Part of me assumes he is okay, and maybe he just immediately got into talking to some else. I wouldn’t really put it past him. But the other part of me is super concerned that he hurt himself.

I have extreme anxiety so my brain is not always nice or rational. I just wanted to vent and maybe receive affirmation that finally looking out for myself was the right move. I know I can’t save people. I know I can’t change people. But I am sad

My birthday was on the 15th on the 20th I get a call that my mom passed away ever since then I haven’t slept . I been crying and had this feeling like someone punched me in my stomach . I know I’ll never be okay . I try to keep my self distracted but when ever I get a chance someone ask me if I’m ok and I just break down and I don’t know wtf to do . The hardest part is trying to explain to my four year old that her gg is not here anymore and I can’t stomach the words to explain it to her . I just don’t know what tf to do .

I lost my grandfather in March of this year. It has been the worst experience of my life so far. It came unexpectedly. He was more than just a grandparent. He was the father I should have had. He raised me like his own child, loved me for who I was and accepted me, always had my back when I needed help, knew how to explain things in a way I understood and he always encouraged me to be the best me possible. I miss him more than words can say. Learning how to live in a world where he doesn't exist anymore has been the hardest. It's not getting any easier.