r/JUSTNOMIL • u/FransizaurusRex • Apr 30 '25
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Apparently I don’t care when my baby cries?
[removed] — view removed post
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u/Strict_Bar_4915 Apr 30 '25
"We don't owe you an explanation of our parenting choices. Perhaps if this frustrates you, you could have reduced interaction with our family so you're not in such continual distress?"
THAT'S IT! Explaining yourself is giving her power.
Eta: raised by raging narcissist mom, and I promise you that embarrassing and kind of bullying them is the only way to keep them in check. Basically the method of Are you OK? It feels like you're really struggling right now. Are you sure you're well? It seems like you're constantly having mental and emotional breakdowns. You put them on the constant defensive, and because they are so weak, they start checking themselves just to avoid that awful zap of being talked down to. Trust me it works!
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u/jennsb2 Apr 30 '25
“I’ve heard your opinion on this matter. Several times in fact. Did you have anything new to add to your monologue or can we put this to rest yet”?
“I’m actually not interested in hearing your thoughts on this again. Neither one of us is going to change our mind, so better that we stop discussing it before I lose the last bit of my patience and leave with MY child”.
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u/Glint_Bladesong Apr 30 '25
Don't argue your case, because that implies that there is room to argue. There isn't.
If I may, I would suggest simply saying "this is a parenting decision Mil, and only the parents get a say it and only their opinions matter"
And every time she tries to argue, defend justify etc, just reply with the above. Shut it down, and rinse and repeat the above.
She's not going to like it,but it is parenting decision and only the parents get a say it and only their opinions matter 😁 her opinion does not matter.
You are not making mistakes, you are not parenting wrong, you are not bad parents. And I know that you know that, but sometimes you need to hear it from a random stranger none the less.
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u/Meltingmenarche Apr 30 '25
Your MIL is insecure about her own history of parenting and is projecting. It's not bad to let LO have a chance to soothe themselves. You arent going to be there for them every minute of every day. I used to think the word "eu-stress" was stupid, but it's valid - not all stress is bad. Standing up against gravity is hard for a baby, but the strain of standing causes their muscles to develop. Is MIL going to wrap the baby in bubble wrap and keep them trapped on the floor for forever? Being a helicopter parent is a bad thing. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 Apr 30 '25
It is time to lose it! Her behavior is unwarranted and disrespectful. If she can’t keep her opinions to herself, she shouldn’t be in your home. Her avoidance of conflict and distress has not served her well and it wouldn’t serve your child well, either.
Every comment she makes needs a response, OP.
“You’ve been asked to keep your opinions to yourself. If you can’t manage that, we can’t have you in our home.”
“You know our routine. Baby is not in distress. If she gets there, we will address it.”
“Never say that I don’t care about my Baby.”
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Apr 30 '25
From OP: "Yesterday you said, 'Not that you care when she cries.'"
DH jumps in here: "Your opinion about our parenting decisions is neither welcome, nor helpful. What you said yesterday was so egregious that we have decided we need a time out for one week. In that time, we hope you will come to understand that we will no longer be tolerating any criticism, advice, or opinions regarding the parenting of our child. Should that boundary be crossed, a longer time out will be implemented. Thank you for understanding."
<stop speaking, hang up/leave her house>
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u/mama2babas Apr 30 '25
You can have your SO sit their mom down and say, "I understand that we're parenting differently than you did, but you're criticism is unwelcome. If you can't be respectful and back off so we can do what we think is best, we're going to have to spend less time with you. We're not going to tolerate this anymore." Don't engage after this statement. This is what it is and she's going to react however she wants to try and push back, but this isn't a conversation, this is a warning.
The next step is stop explaining your reasoning. She has no authority to question your decisions and you owe her nothing. By explaining, you're inviting her to challenge you, invalidate you, and opening your parenting style up to discussion. Nip this in the bud. She needs to be invited to leave when she is undermining your parenting if it's in your own home.
When she makes a comment in the future, ask her to explain herself. "Did you say, 'Not that you care when she cries?' Is that meant to shame me?" And let her struggle to recover or act in defiance. Either way, she'll learn to shut up or you'll have clear reason to put her in a time out.
Sometimes you have to treat fussy MILs like a fussy toddler. Stick to your boundaries, give them space to tantrum, and once they are calm, let them try again.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 Apr 30 '25
OP, it is time to stop explaining or justifying your parenting decisions to someone who really needs to mind their own business. MIL isn't listening and in all honesty it sounds like she doesn't care either.
MIL had and raised her own kid/s now it is time for her to get back in her own lane and mind her own business.
Perhaps a blunt MIL, you aren't the parents, we are and this is our decision and not yours. If you can't respect us as parents then perhaps we need to work out moving forward how we are going to facilitate a relationship with you. Trying to blow out our candle to make yours shine brighter is not going to work.
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u/Wild_Midnight_1347 Apr 30 '25
“nearly loss it”. you should have, at that moment, rip into MIL for her disgusting comment. Time for you to get some courage and no longer accept MIL for what she says and do.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Apr 30 '25
You don't owe your MIL an explanation for your parenting decisions. Stop justifying yourself to her.
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u/buckeye-person Apr 30 '25
Quit explaining and change the subject. If she continues leave her home or show her the door at your home . No explanation for why you are leaving or she has to leave required.
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u/alors1234 Apr 30 '25
Don't Justify, Argue, Défend, or Explain. JNMIL doesn't get a say in your parenting
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u/datbundoe Apr 30 '25
The self protection is real! My MIL is like this. My SIL once said she'd like to parent somewhere in between her mother and our shared MIL (i.e, more involved than hers, less involved than MIL). My SIL has a brother who was badly burned as a baby when he was learning to pull himself up and managed to pull a coffee pot down on himself. A horrible accident, but nothing more, right? My MIL said, "well, at least I didn't burn any of my children."
I was absolutely stunned. And the thing is, I know that it wasn't said with malice, just defensiveness. Not that it makes it any less horrible, but my MIL's brain is a twisted place.
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u/ChampionshipSad1586 Apr 30 '25
Time to severely limit visits and have them at a neutral location. When Baby cries, you leave. She loses.
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u/Suzy-Q-York Apr 30 '25
I am 66, MIL and Grandma age. I don’t have kids, but I did a lot of babysitting in my teens and twenties. It was standard practice to let an infant that woke up fuss for 5-10 minutes before picking them up.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual May 01 '25
“You know how you think our parenting is actually a criticism of how you raised SO? Bingo. Nail on head. Got it in one. Now my question is, if you think that, why tf are you still bombarding us with your unwanted, appalling opinions and advice?”
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u/plm56 May 01 '25
Every time she makes such a comment, leave. Or tell her to.
Every. Single. Time.
And each time, give her a longer time out before seeing her again, telling her clearly exactly why:
"MIL, we will no longer tolerate you saying that we do not care about our daughter. If you cannot respect our child-raising decisions, you are not welcome in our lives."
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u/CharmingAnimator1055 May 01 '25
My MIL did the same. Started making comments about how we “just let him cry and she can’t stand to listen to it because she feels so bad for him”. Painting herself as the loving grandmother (the only flaw she’ll admit to is being “too loving”) and us as the cruel parents. The same as you, we didn’t leave him to cry, but would give him a few minutes to settle himself.
One time we had guests over and while we are all seated at the table (DH out of earshot of course) she proceeds to tell about a dozen people about how we let just let the baby cry all the time and it’s so awful. I was holding baby at the time and replied “oh yes, we’re cruel to you, you poor poor baby, Mummy and Daddy don’t love you AT ALL” and kissed him to make him laugh. Everyone else laughed and we chatted about naps/sleep schedules and moved on. MIL had a face like thunder and never mentioned it again 😂
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u/botinlaw Apr 30 '25
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