Jnmil breaks my ONE RULE about overnight visits on the eve of a stressful work trip. Please talk me off the ledge.

[u/dogma096]

TW: drug use and child neglect/abuse

Hi! Please don't share this anywhere. I am aware that this is a husband problem but is it also a MIL problem, and I just need to scream into the void for a moment. Throwaway account. A few details have been kept purposefully vague but the point remains the same.

Last bit of prefacing, I swear - I do not like my jnmil. She is cruel, selfish, a bad parent, a horrific pet owner, was a terrible wife to her late husband, and will never be trusted with more responsibility than brushing her teeth while she is in my home. I put up with her because my husband believes that someday she will magically become the mom he always wanted. He's unpacking that in therapy.

My DH and I (early to mid 30s) have been together for 6 years, and his family is "a lot" to say the least. Not least of all the matriarch, Jnmil (early 60s). She neglected her children for men, drugs, and alcohol during their formative years to the point where her oldest (SIL) moved out of the house as a young teenager and never went back. To this day, SIL (early 40s) has not stepped foot back into her childhood home. As all her children grew to adulthood (no thanks to jnmil), she's now decided that she can be the "fun mom/fun mimi" and her children are so desperate for a crumb of attention that they bend over backwards to accommodate her. DH is the baby of his siblings (SIL and BIL), and he witnessed most of the neglect first hand. I'm talking about collecting pets as a hobby leading to a shit and urine crusted carpet, piles of hoarding materials noticeable from across the street, overdoses of both her and whatever guy she was banging for heroin, opening lines of credit in her children's names when they were small to fund her stupid habits, the works. Somehow she is the true victim in all of this, which doesn't surprise me one bit.

Thankfully I have a nice, shiny spine and am able to advocate for myself (and DH when he's overwhelmed), but Jnmil thinks it's a sport to see how much she can get away with. From me? Jack shit. From DH? Well, more than he should. Especially when I am not around.

As such: Jnmil is staying with us for a week and has found a way to circumvent my one rule that I will never compromise for anyone - no overnight visitors for more than 7 days without a break. I'm happy to play the dutiful host for 7 days and nights, but then I need 7 days and nights to recharge, reclaim my home, and reconnect with DH as a couple. I do not think this is unreasonable, and I have had this rule for years due to her staying with us for once for over a month with no. prior. warning. She is currently on day 5 of her 7 day overnight visit, and I will be gone all next week for a work trip. This work trip is a big responsibility and I have been feeling the stress of getting myself, my projects, and all my things ready for this trip. Jnmil knows that I will be gone next week, and asked me if she could stay a second consecutive week. I told her that I am not comfortable with her being in my home while I am gone, and that she should coordinate with her other children what her plans are for next week.

Well, after I went to bed (early nights for me this week as I am burning the candle at both ends with work) she cornered DH with tears in her eyes and the same stupid sob story about how she "regrets that we aren't closer", that she's his mom, that she might die soon, and won't it be better for her to hurry up and off herself since no one wants her around anymore. DH caved, and she's staying at the house FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS because I will be gone for one week, and so I still "get the time you need without her" according to DH.

I am LIVID. I do not even want to go home after work today. She manufactures all this drama and strife, and then cries like a little bitch when someone points out her role in said destruction. Then she's the perfect little victim, and I'm the nasty DIL who "doesn't understand addiction/trauma/family bonds/whatever buzzword she heard on tiktok this week." Ya'll, I promise you that I understand these issues intimately.

Rant over, thanks for listening <3

[u/Inevitable_Reaction2]

Look, you set a very clear and reasonable boundary. If you let them (because both your DH and MIL are in agreement) break it, they will start finding ways to keep on doing so.

Remember, boundaries are for us, to define how much we can take and what consequences we are going to give once people repeat the behavior.

In the end, your DH and MIL are free to do whatever they want.

The question is what are you going to do to protect yourself if they break your boundary?

Don’t feel bad for being the bad DIL and what other people thinks. If people criticize you, tell them they can host your MIL 4 months at at time

[u/dogma096 → u/Inevitable_Reaction2]

I have no idea what to "enforce" the boundary with because this has never been crossed, and I am about to cross the continent. I can't exactly cancel my work trip because she decided to pretend to be a good mother for the first time in her life.

What do you think can be done? I think she waited until last night/today to drop this on me because she knows I can't cancel and be home.

[u/datbundoe → u/dogma096]

I think this is one where you need to enforce it with husband. Tell him, "you know my rule. You've only listed one of the two reasons I have it. The second is because I deserve to feel safe in my home, no matter what, and people being here for no more than one week is what it takes for me to feel safe. Your mother is pitting us against each other, and you're letting her. So you have two options. Let her stay, and violate my trust and the sanctity of my home, or follow my one rule, and protect the sanctity of our relationship. Your mother will be back again and again. We know this, because she has to use your goodwill for a place to stay, and she's proven it again and again. I, on the other hand, may not be. You cannot violate the safety of my home, the trust in our relationship, without expecting negative consequences to our relationship. I deserve to have the peace of my home. Even at your mother's expense. She has somewhere else to go. You can spend all the time in the world with her. By allowing this to happen, all you will do is damage our relationship. I won't step foot in this house again until she is gone and you apologize to me for this. This isn't fair to me, and you know it. How she lives is as a consequence of her choices. Just as your choices will determine how you live.

[u/rosemarythymesage → u/datbundoe]

I really can’t think of a better way to convey what needs to be conveyed than this. I’d read it verbatim.

[u/swoosie75 → u/datbundoe]

Not step foot, won’t spend another night. Because she will need to collect her things. You know MIL will be full force snooping and doing all the things she can’t when OP is there. I’d hid my jewelry.

[u/TrustyBobcat → u/dogma096]

To me, an appropriate boundary might be something like, "If your mom is still in my home when I come back from my work trip, I'm going to go stay in an AirBnB/hotel until she's gone because I refuse to host her any longer." Or "If your mom is still in the house, I will refuse to host her again to the tune of a year for each additional day I have to see her under my roof once I'm back."

[u/AdviceMoist6152 → u/TrustyBobcat]

Yup!! Foot down she has to be gone when you come home or both of them need to go elsewhere to Bond. OP needs to rest and recover from work trip. Not returning to play hostess to unwanted guests.

Also HE has to clean up her mess and replace the food she’s eaten before OP comes home.

OP shouldn’t come home just to have to clean a trashed house from a narc hoarder.

[u/Altruistic_Ladder_19 → u/dogma096]

Let your DH know that if she is still here when you get home, you will turn around and walk right back out. He can have his wife or his mother, and he needs to choose now because you want to know if you need to pack up all your belongings

[u/Inevitable_Reaction2 → u/dogma096]

Definitely don’t cancel your work trip, you cannot mess with your livelihood.

You need to decide if this is your hill to die on.

Do you want her to be in your home 2 extra weeks and break your boundary?

If not, tell your DH that if she stays, you won’t be coming back home. He knew the rules and broke them, as simple as that. Don’t mind your MIL - your DH screwed up and he needs to face consequences. You may ask for couples counseling while you are separated and after x number of sessions, you might be open to re-assess the situation.

If you don’t care that she is at your place the week you won’t be in, tell him that she needs to leave 1 or 2 days before you get back so you don’t feel her smell and strongly consider to fully cancel all overnight stays.

You can also decide to allow her to stay the 2 extra weeks, but step away from hosting duties (maybe rent an Airbnb while she is there?) and cancel all future stays?

So many options! Please think about what YOU are comfortable with from now on, because bending over backwards for them is not working.

[u/dogma096 → u/Inevitable_Reaction2]

Living in my home on my own terms is 100% the hill I am willing to die on.  

[u/Inevitable_Reaction2 → u/dogma096]

Good! If you have defined your terms and neither your DH nor your MIL are respecting them, what are you going to do?

Again, it’s not about making them respect your terms, it’s about you deciding what are you going to do about people that don’t respect your terms.

[u/vinegargirl757 → u/dogma096]

Tell your husband you won't come home til she is gone. Are you traveling to a fun area or near a fun area? Take a solo vacation for yourself. He can entertain, cook, and clean up after her.

[u/dogma096 → u/vinegargirl757]

Unfortunately, I am traveling to practically the middle of nowhere lol. There is a farm that is known for having extremely cute baby goats, so maybe I will check it out after depositions one day.

[u/vinegargirl757 → u/dogma096]

Maybe get an airbnb after? Nothing wrong with a middle of no where unplug vacation of sorts.

Ngl, I would have lost my cool with her manipulative stunt. How dare she undermine you in your own home. And frankly, you set a very reasonable boundary and expectation (I have the same rule, i live at the beach).

[u/Wild_Cockroach_2544 → u/dogma096]

Just have him pay for a hotel for you when you come back and say you will come home when she is gone. And it needs to be a great hotel.