r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Holiday-Beyond-2843 • Jul 08 '25
Advice Wanted How To Be A Good MIL
I have 4 kids ages 7-15 and a truly terrible MIL (see my prior post about her). It makes me want to be a really good MIL some day.
I am trying to put together a guideline. There must be a lot of MILs struggling with their relationships with their child's spouse, and wanting to improve. I also want a reminder, once I become a MIL, of how to behave!
Here is my first draft. I want suggestions for improvement and additions.
How to Be a Good MIL
- In general, remember that your adult child's relationship with his/her romantic partner is between the two of them. They have a new primary family unit now, with their own decisions to make about how they choose to live. Their family decisions are not about you and what you want.
- Do not give any unasked-for advice about relationships, homemaking, child-rearing, or anything else.
- Be pleasant to be around, focusing on positive topics and lifting others up.
- Never show up uninvited. While it is okay to request to schedule time together, never demand it, and let your adult child determine what dates and location work best for their schedule (which is likely more demanding than yours).
- Remember that your relationship with your adult child will - and should - change once they have their own family. The couple is a brand new entity. Do not assume past traditions and habits will be continued, as if nothing has changed.
- Never compare your relationship with your adult child and their new family to anyone else's, as that is none of your business, is harmful to your relationship, and that sort of petty jealousy should be beneath you. The people you love should never feel guilty for loving other people, too - that isn't what love is all about!
- If your adult child wants less time together than you do, accept it gracefully and without complaint. Be glad, if anything, that their life is so busy and full of purpose, support, and love.
- Remember that special events in their lives may also be special to you, but are fundamentally about them, and not about you or what you want.
- Do not act entitled to your adult child's time, energy, or attention.
Dating - Your child is an adult now, and that means they get to make their own decisions. - It is not your business who your adult child chooses to date. - If your adult child seems unhappy with their relationship, ask whether or not they are happy, without implying the relationship is the cause - If asked your opinion about the girlfriend/boyfriend/relationship, say only positive things unless you have grave concerns; even then, use the criticism sandwich method (positive - negative - positive), and frame it as a question ("if this relationship gets more serious, are you concerned at all about...")
Engagement - Congratulate the happy couple and be happy for them, keeping any worries or concerns to yourself. The time for that has come and gone.
Wedding - Let the couple make their own decisions about everything, including the guest list, how religious it should be, flowers, decorations, what last name is chosen, etc, or even whether or not to have a wedding at all. - If you choose to contribute to the wedding financially, it should be with zero strings attached. - If you are not invited to anything wedding-related (dress shopping, cake sampling, venue shopping, etc), accept that without a single word of complaint. (Remember, this is their special time, not yours!) - if your advice or feedback is requested, give it sparingly, in a positive way, and kindly.
Holidays - Your adult children have the right to choose how to spend their holidays with their new primary family. Do not criticize them for exercising that choice. They may or may not come to visit you, and you may or may not be invited to visit them. Either way, accept the outcome without complaint. - When planning a holiday together, try to treat your adult child as you would any other adult, if you were collaborating on a shared holiday. Don't assume you know who will host, who will cook, who will be invited, etc. Be a polite guest/host.
Grandchildren - Always remember that your grandchildren already have parents, and their parents get to make all of the parenting decisions. - Your grandchild's name, school, religion, political views, etc are up to their parents and peers to influence. None of that is your business.
Anything else I should add?
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u/Similar-Bell9621 Jul 08 '25
Two things my MIL does that I never want to do.
When asking about visiting, don't ask to visit under the guise of 'coming to help.'
If your adult child confides in you, don't tell/gossip to other children/family members about your child's struggles, especially if they involve their relationship with their partner.
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u/DesperateOne416 Jul 08 '25 edited Jul 08 '25
Woah! this one really hit home for me. I realize I have been wanting to say these things for a long time. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so...
To the new MIL: Understand that your life, your experience, and your generation are fundamentally different from your child's and especially your child's new partner. You cannot expect that your experience will be the same as your child's partner, or that they will want to live their lives the way you did. For example:
Regarding traditional gender roles:
- just because you stayed home with your children, that does not mean your daughter-in-law will want to do so. Your son may actually be more well-suited to stay at home. Or both may decide to keep working full time. Or they may decide, gasp, to not have children.
- just because you cooked, cleaned, and ran the household and social calendar for your husband, that does not mean that your daughter-in-law will do the same. Your child serving as the main point of contact for you, not your daughter-in-law, is actually a healthy way for your child and his spouse to split the emotional load, just like they will probably do with household chores.
- just because your husband was the main breadwinner, that does not mean that your son will be the main breadwinner. He is not in competition with with his partner, they are a team. You are not in competition with your daughter-in-law. Her career/economic success should be celebrated and not be a threat to your self-worth.
- just because you had the opportunity to spend your children's entire summer vacation with them in a different country across an ocean, that does not mean that your son or daughter in law will be able to do so. Please understand that two total weeks of vacation per year is normal in US culture, especially when people are starting out in their careers.
Your child's spouse has a family:
- just because your child has spent every holiday with you since birth, that does not mean that they will continue after they have a partner. Your child's partner has a family too and they are their own family now. They can even decide, gasp, to spend holidays by themselves if they wish to do so.
Your child's spouse will likely communicate differently than you do (this one is a pipe dream, but I wish this one was a requirement before becoming a MIL):
- Understand that, especially if your child's spouse grew up with emotionally mature parents, your behavior and communication style - especially if it includes passive aggression, manipulation, guilt peddling, constantly negative comments, and entitlement - may result in a ruined relationship with your daughter-in-law and estrangement from your child.
- If your child changes, stops succumbing to your will, and starts setting boundaries, that is not because your daughter-in-law is controlling him, it is because your child is becoming more healthy, acquiring new coping skills, and is becoming more emotionally mature.
And lastly and perhaps most importantly, actions have consequences. If you have a strained relationship with your child and your child's spouse, look in the mirror.
Edit typo
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u/Strict_Bar_4915 Jul 08 '25
These all describe my MIL and hence: I have a great relationship with her. Go figure!
I would add, it's easy to create a foundation for all of these good practices, if you have a life of your own and all of your worth isn't tied up in your children and their families. My MIL has so many post retirement hobbies, friendships, travels, and lives a generally secure and fulfilled life. So she doesn't engage with us trying to fill a void, or to create appearances in front of others. She just shows up cool af, kind, encouraging and typically with wine.
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u/YeeHawMiMaw Jul 10 '25
I think the biggest thing is to show interest in them as an individual, separate from their role in your child’s life. My MIL could not have told you what month my birthday was in, what I studied in college (I am not sure she knew I went to college to be honest) or how many siblings I had. But one of my favorite things is to listen to my DIL talk about her career. It is an area/discipline I know nothing about, so I enjoy learning from her.
And when either DIL or SIL visits, I make sure to cook their favorites in addition to cooking for son or daughter.
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u/hekissedafrog Jul 11 '25
This. My DIL is an incredible person that I treasure as my son's partner. She and I are very close and I treasure that.
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u/alors1234 Jul 08 '25
I would add, from my experience... Get curious about genuinely getting to know your adult child's spouse. Make a concerted effort to know them as a human. Assume positive intent. If they have been through a lot, offer support, not judgement Don't be racist and examine your own bias.
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u/Vanska1 Jul 08 '25
This is great! Maybe put in a small section for worksheets to bring up/talkabout/set expectations around large events like weddings, childbirth, birthday parties etc. So often I think that because of how dynamic family situations are (different traditions, parenting styles, generational gaps, educations etc) that part of the problem can be misaligned expectations. So often I see things like: 'I can't believe we didn't see them for weeks after LO was born!' Then I also see 'OMG my In laws were up my butt after the baby was born I couldnt get them out of the house fast enough!!' Or 'She keeps offering to babysit and doesnt understand that I don't feel the need to be away from baby for hours at a time!' Also 'Im drowning here and they only want to come over to take pictures and have me take care of them!' Wouldnt it be great to have a little questionaire for everyone to fill out to see what post partum looks like. Or what 'helping' means. It might set expectations for everyone ahead of time. Sometimes its not possible. But hey we tried.
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u/Holiday-Beyond-2843 Jul 08 '25
Great idea to ask about expectations in advance! So long as expectations are viewed as changeable over time, rather than as set-in-stone promises.
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u/NeverEnoughSleep08 Jul 12 '25
I was honest and straight forward with my FDIL. I told her how crazy my mom and my MIL are, and made her promise to smack me if I ever exhibit any of the traits that they have. She laughed and promised, but told me she thinks in an awesome MIL and actually gets along better with me that her own mom most days, so I'll take that win!
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u/halfwaygonetoo Jul 08 '25
Things I've learned that aren't on your list:
You don't have to like who your child has a relationship with BUT you do have to show them kindness and respect. Your child has a relationship with that person for a reason. You don't have to know or understand the reason but you do have to accept it.
Always remember to give thoughtful gifts for birthdays and holidays to your child's partner. Ask your child about their interests or any of their wants and gift appropriately. It doesn't have to be a big present but it does need to be thoughtful.
Your child's partner may be of a different religion, culture, and/or traditions. Celebrate their customs and religions with them. Mingle them with yours. (My favorite memory of my MIL is her celebrating the Winter Solstice with me. Then having Chanukah dinner at my house with my children on Christmas day with all her extended family.)
NEVER discuss politics, differing religious points of view, or money with your adult children and/or their partners. All this does is cause strife and arguments. If they bring it up, simply say, "We're not going to discuss that. We may or may not agree with each other but let's not go there and risk an argument." Then change the subject.
Find at least 1 piece of common ground/interests. Then be open minded about it. Find out what they like about it and then try it their way. (I love reading but never in a million years did I think I would like "Monster Hunters International". I love that book and series ).
Find out about ANY and all allergies, medical conditions and food requirements. Keep a list on your refrigerator. Include your own. Avoid making/serving food that will make someone sick or leave hungry.
If your child/partner has a baby:
Take a "New Baby Care" class. This will inform you of the newest medical recommendations and requirements. What to do and not do.
Get your vaccinations.
Drop off meal prep foods.
Bring a present/basket for the mother. Things that will help her, she might enjoy, she might need. Something that shows SHE is important and not just a baby factory.
When you visit: Help. Bring food that the mother will enjoy. Ask how SHE is doing. Talk to her. Offer to clean, do dishes, meal prep, wash laundry, fold clothes, etc. Offer to watch the baby while she showers and/or naps (only if you see she needs it). Offer to go grocery shopping. Ask what you can do to help her.
Don't kiss the baby.
Don't call the baby "My baby".
Don't stay longer than 2 hours if the mother is awake. Leave within an hour of her waking up. She's exhausted AND healing.
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u/Little-Conference-67 Jul 08 '25
All of what OP wrote and this should be applicable in the event of a divorce too. I can't stand my ex son-in-law or his mother, but they don't have a clue I feel that way and always have from day one. Some things are better not said out loud.
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u/halfwaygonetoo Jul 08 '25
Definitely. Maybe Especially in the case of divorce. There's no reason to cause more stress and hurt in an already stressful and hurtful situation.
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u/2FatC Jul 08 '25
Wow, this is well written and well thought out.
Something to consider, emphasis on having confidence as a parent. You raised a thoughtful, kind, intelligent human. Trust your parenting and their judgement. They spend more time with their friends & potential life partner than the parent. Foster adult autonomy & open communication, be ready to accept there will be conflict, focus on making it constructive.
Great job, looking forward to the finalized version.
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u/SnooOpinions5819 Jul 08 '25
Also being genuinely interested in getting to know the new partner and just welcoming overall. Even if it’s early on in the relationship. Assume that this is your future DIL until she’s proven otherwise.
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u/bambolea Jul 08 '25
I don’t even think you’d have to be this doormatty/standoffish.
My MIL is psycho and relentless but tbh I could have coped with her having negative opinions on me and our choices, a desire to maintain closeness with her son, bids for attention and status etc as long as she wasn’t so bloody underhanded about it all.
Obviously respect that ultimately her son and I decide on our own lives, but negotiations to accommodate her needs and wants would have been well received if she approached in good faith, not just trying to be queen bee. That’s the tragedy of it.
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u/whataddiction Jul 08 '25
Check out the account "More than grand" on instagram. Any grandparent who actually is interested in self-improvement should look at their blog etc. It is a golden resource. My MIL would NEVER care to lool into it, but manu probably would.
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u/betweendoublej Jul 09 '25
After having my son and watching my MIL losing her mind and being such an unbearable, inconsiderate person, I realised that what I have to do to be a future MIL who is good one to be around, is my inner work. Seems like whatever you personality fault, light or severe, amplifies when you take a new role where you never experienced before. I can’t control who I am by every inch of it, so I should be just a better person so that under any circumstances i just be myself and still a pleasant person to be around. Learning and analyzing about who I am and what I can improve is what I’ll do. Thankfully my son is 0 years old and have plenty of time to do that🤣
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u/notkarenkilgariff Jul 08 '25
I think you are off to an excellent start. I have all boys who are teens and young adults. I know my MIL/grandma years are approaching (I hope so anyway) and I really want to foster good relationships with my future children-in-law! I always wanted a daughter and never had one of my own so I want to make sure I’m not being unintentionally overbearing in my enthusiasm.
As far as suggestions: I decided when they started dating that I would be welcoming and supportive (unless I had a major reason not to be, like abuse concerns). Basically do my best to start off on the right foot with any SO they brought home. I also try to see the good in them and give the benefit of the doubt even when I’m not impressed with certain behavior. Whether you look for flaws in someone, or you look for good in someone, you’re sure to find it. I choose to look for the good.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Jul 08 '25
This list is A++!
As an overarching point, I would say to ask before jumping in to help. Don't assume that your adult child and their partner will want support in the same way you would want support. Some people want help moving, others are more private and prefer to do it themselves. Some parents want visitors at the hospital when their children are born, others prefer to wait until they are home. Some moms love the idea of grandma coming over to hold the baby while they shower or take a nap, that idea gives others anxiety. Ask, don't assume.
The only thing I would add under grandchildren is don't expect that you will have them in the first place. Don't ask if/when there will be grandbabies. Trust that if/when there is news to share your children will tell you. If they don't want kids (either then or ever in the future), support that. Be happy if they are in a good place where they don't feel the need to have kids to enrich their lives.
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u/Anonymous-Cat7 Jul 08 '25
Ask before jumping in to help is a very good point. My MIL assumes we want the same things she wanted 35 years ago from her MIL and she gets mad when we reject her efforts because we never asked for her help. It’s infuriating that she simply can’t understand that we have different needs because we are different people.
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u/WriterMomAngela Jul 09 '25
I think it actually begins earlier when our kids are young. I’ve always kept in mind even as my kids were young that in raising them to become independent. I will always be here if they need me but the goal is for them to not need me as often the older they get.
For example, as toddlers they needed us to cut their food. It would be beyond bizarre if they needed us to do that as teens or adults. Likewise as teens they would normally seek us out for dating advice but as they grow older and more independent that will also fade to less and less. Therefore we should respect their independence and offer advice when asked not spontaneously insert advice as they grow older and more independent.
None of this is to imply it’s easy. Raising our children isn’t easy. Loving someone so totally is quite honestly terrifying at times. It feels like watching your heart and soul walk around outside your body, Willy Nilly taking risks when you want to wrap it in bubble wrap and keep it safe but some part of us knows that through mistakes is often how we learn. Each broken heart teaches us a lesson about ourselves and about relationships. Each fall teaches us about balance.
If we keep a goal of raising independent adults not dependent adults we should all come out of this just fine. I mean, I certainly was appreciative of the phase of life coming to a conclusion of wiping noses and behinds. It’s all about perspective. The jnmils need a healthy dose of it.
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u/nutraxfornerves Jul 08 '25
As someone who has a JustYes mother and had friends who didn’t, I’d add under “dating,” don’t be pushy about their relationships. Don’t ask “Are you seeing anyone?” “Is it serious?” If they mention someone who might be more than just a friend, don’t jump to conclusions and start asking for details about the partner and the “romance.” If it is serious, don’t start pushing the next steps. “When are you going to get married?” “Is there something you aren’t telling me? I need to plan my schedule, you know.” “I’ve always dreamed about my child’s wedding day.”
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u/mentaldriver1581 Jul 08 '25
You’ve pretty much summed it up, but I would also add: Do not gossip about others, especially other media of your adult children’s family and their spouses/spouses family. Sounds like you will be a great MIL one day!
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u/Rain12Bow Jul 09 '25
I’ve made the opposite list: what kind of JNMIL do you have? It’s like a fun yet tragic quiz.
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u/Lugbor Jul 08 '25
It's a good list. I would clean up the introductory paragraph a bit and add an actual introduction (what the piece hopes to achieve), but otherwise, it's pretty solid.
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u/lulualeidy Jul 08 '25
It's a thoughtful list, but the MIL is a person with needs, feelings, and desires, too! Don't get me wrong, my MIL is a wannabe manipulative matriarch, but I wouldn't want someone who was this vanilla, either. No, she just shouldn't be a manipulative douchebag about her needs, wants, and preferences, but with proper communication and behavior, she shouldn't be a doormat, either. I think one could appropriately suggest, "There's this great spot I think would work for the engagement dinner, could I take you out for lunch there and we could scope it out?" Or, "ahh! Barbecue at the reception?! That's gonna get messy! If you go that route, remember a vegan option for the Sanchez family." Or, "hey sweetie, you've been so busy with the new job and all, and I miss you! Please find some time in the next two weeks so we can catch up."
One thing to add that I think about all the time: "Remember that your time to parent was when your child was a child. If you made mistakes and missteps that you don't appreciate in your child's current personality or choices, now is not the time to parent them and try to correct it. Forgive yourself, learn, and accept them for How you have shaped them, not how you wish you would have shaped them and try to fix it now."
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u/Holiday-Beyond-2843 Jul 08 '25
Maybe it seems overly careful/vanilla, but there are many years ahead to get to know both your kid’s spouse and their new family preferences better, in a more real, close way. Having a positive relationship is far too important to mess it up with careless handling.
Agreed that informing the couple of potential guest allergies or dietary restrictions is a good idea, but I personally wouldn’t do it in a way that seemed like I was arguing against any particular food choices. They are adults, and will have other people to give input - especially if my thoughts haven’t been requested!
I do have a mom who I love dearly but who gives CONSTANT unasked-for advice and criticism, and a much worse MIL, so I’m partly reacting to those extremes. I don’t want to be like that! In my observation, no one dislikes a mom or MIL for failing to give unasked-for advice.
Forgot to add that, as a good rule of thumb, compliments should go to your DIL/SIL, and criticisms (or helpful info/advice that could be misinterpreted as such!) should go to your own adult child.
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u/No_Tackle7092 Jul 09 '25
This is how I act towards my kids and their spouses. Everyone seems to get along.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 Jul 09 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
I think in general: be aware of your expectations, both in what your expectations actually are and the schematics surrounding them- Are they realistic? Reasonable? Do they depend on others? Do they depend on others prioritizing you over themselves or others? How many expectations do you have? Have you voiced them? How will you respond if told no (and understand, you can always be told no. Even if your expectations are reasonable, realistic etc… it doesn’t oblige anyone else to fufill them) Find ways of being happy and content that are either already happening and established or rely on you and your ability to control, not on others bending to your expectations. I think most problems on here shake out to be an expectations/assumptions problem . MIL expected to feel more important, to own Christmas morning, to have a say, to babysit, to whatever, and there really just isn’t anything they get to decide they get in actuality
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