r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Fantastic-Dish9517 • 18d ago
Anyone Else? MILs and Their Fake ‘Golden Touch
Farken hell. How shit is it as the dad when people keep your baby awake for hours because they want to “entertain” him, and then you’re the one handed the ticking time bomb just as he’s about to lose it. He screams for 45 minutes, you give him a bottle, change him, do the whole routine — and then MIL swoops in for the hero cuddle, puts him to sleep, and acts like she’s got the golden touch.
Maybe I’m insecure, but it honestly feels like so many older women look at dads like we’re useless. The thing is, I let you cuddle him, feed a bottle, settle, give him a bath — not because I can’t, but because I know you enjoy it. I’m not outsourcing because I’m incapable.
Anyone else feel like they’re always set up to look like the struggler while MIL gets the glory shot?
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u/pretzelsandprosecco 18d ago
I’ve noticed some MILs/older women will view dads as useless solely because THEIR husband was a useless dad. My friend's FIL proudly told her he never changed a diaper for any of his three children. It was bizarre, but a symptom of patriarchal roles in society.
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u/TrueAgency8491 18d ago
My partner was brilliant when our babies were tiny. BUT while we were in the hospital my mother was a PIA! My partner was changing a nappy and my mum swooped in like a bleddy Valkyrie and took over "because men just don't know how to do it". My partner, and experienced Paramedic, calmly told her that if he could put a dressing on a traumatic amputation while the ambulance was racing to hospital he could manage a nappy thankyou! She didnt try that again!
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u/Sufficient_Claim_461 18d ago
Just take the baby on time
Routines put the babies welfare and happiness first
Don’t let anyone put their wants over your child’s needs
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u/moodyinam 18d ago
THIS! If farken MIL had the golden touch, she would know not to keep a baby awake until he gets over tired. Stick with baby's routine because you ARE a capable loving parent.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 18d ago
Stop letting her take your baby from you. Stop letting her keep your baby awake and overstimulated. Your baby, your routine.
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u/yourlacesarenotdone 18d ago
THIS. And if she’s so eager to have the baby, hand him to your MIL to her when you know he’s about to lose his patience. Or when she acts like it was her who managed to get the baby down, say something like “That’s why we’re such sticklers for routine. It really helps baby to calm down and fall asleep”. Don’t let her take credit for what you did.
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u/TMagurk2 18d ago
I'm not excusing your MIL, but older women look at dads like they're useless because the majority of dads their age were useless.
My FIL, who would be 91 this year if he was still alive, never changed a diaper in his life. Meaning he was never home alone with a baby before. He lived with his kids and was not estranged or anything.
The standards for men were so low - basically as long as brought home money - you didn't "have to" do any of that parenting or "women's work". My friend has a father that had never even been inside a grocery store before because a woman literally bought his food his whole life. He is in his 80's.
There are A LOT of older men that are basically incompetent and have been waited on hand and foot by women for so long they have NO IDEA how to do basic adulting stuff like cook, clean, buy groceries, etc. much less actually take care of a child other than punishing them (wait till your father gets home!) Some don't even know how to pack for a trip or buy their own clothing. It is truly astonishing.
The sons of these men are my peers (I'm in my 50's). While they are better, they still have issues. I have never met a Gen X man who pulls his weight at home. Never. (and before I get flamed - YES, it is not ALL men - but at least in my generation - it is the vast, vast majority of them. It looks like millennials and Gen Z are doing better)
Time to push back on your MIL.
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u/butterstherooster 18d ago edited 18d ago
Gen X married to Gen X and every word of this rings true.
My dad was much better than my late FIL was. (My brother, also Gen X, is a very hands on dad to my 14 and 12 yo nieces. He wouldn't be if he were my FIL's son. 🫠) My poor late MIL waited on him. After they died I found out he made her give up her career as a chemist to be a wife and SAHM. And yes, he was very hands off. He was why I had a hard time getting my husband to do anything.
My daughters, 23 and 21, said Gen X marriages are dysfunctional and this is why.
I won't ever swoop in with my future son in laws. My daughters will make damn sure they pull their weight. 😊
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u/TMagurk2 18d ago
Gen X women were the first ones raised being told "you can do anything you want" and "you can have it all". I remember listening to the Free to Be You and Me records in the late 1970's and how exciting it was when Geraldine Ferraro was nominated to be the first VP candidate. Unfortunately the Gen X boys were raised to have a full time SAHM and not to clean or help out much. Gen X boys weren't raised to be the men needed for a woman to "have it all". And now my fellow Gen X women also have the double whammy raising kids and having medically complex elderly parents to care for, who are living much longer than a generation before, with much, much less support (at least in the US). Sandwich generation! I personally am caring for a disabled child and a disabled elderly parent.
When I had sons, I refused to have man-babies who couldn't care for themselves. Now my kids are early 20's and can pretty much do everything around the house - cook, clean, grocery shop, bills, lawn care, etc.
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u/butterstherooster 18d ago
I knew there was a reason I didn't like Gen X guys, even when I was young 🤣
My son is 25, traveling back and forth between two states for work and doing just fine on his own.
I give my husband some credit because while he messed up in the help around the house department, he didn't want our son being like his grandfather. And I didn't wait on my kid.
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u/Bubbly-Champion-6278 1d ago
We are a bit older, in our early 60s. My husband has never got away with not doing his fair share at home (poor man lol). Now he does even more as I'm getting more disabled and finding housework and shopping more difficult. We've always looked at it as we both live in the house so we both need to pitch in. My daughter and son-in-law are the same. I've never interfered with my son-in-law's parenting. He's more than capable of looking after his own kids and does it well. Maybe our family is a bit less typical, I don't really know.
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u/BaseballMomofThree 18d ago
You have described my father perfectly! The man is absolutely useless and my mother enabled this behaviour.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 18d ago
Very true! I think too, you get more women in the age range who’s whole identity and sense of worth come from being a mom, and a lot of them have undiagnosed anxiety, depression, insecurity etc… so they need to be The Best. My FIL was inarguably the better parent and us better with the grandkids but both he and MIL will go off about how she’s the one with “the touch”, oh you better see MIL about that etc… so even when there’s a man who good at kids, that type of woman’s ego needs him to not be and if you get a man who isn’t or doesn’t want to be hands on, she’ll gladly take all the glory
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u/Fantastic-Dish9517 17d ago
That makes total sense and is a very fair point.
I probably shouldn’t have made such a sweeping generalisation.
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u/Histologi 17d ago
Im the mom and my mom acts like this. She's constantly giving unsolicited advice and physically butts in when I'm in the process of soothing or putting my daughter to sleep.
Like, I get I'm a first time parent but let me learn how to be a parent on my own? You haven't taken care of a baby in 3 decades and times have changed.
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u/Mother_of_Daphnia 18d ago
I just showed my husband this post and he was enraged for you!! I had to have a talk with my mom (so his MIL) about assuming that he doesn’t know how to take care of our kids. One would start getting fussy and he would start to address it, and she would try to swoop in to save the day.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 18d ago
Vice versa over here- MIL is mediocre at best with babies (and often just out right not good with them) but likes to simper about having “the touch”. All proof to the contrary is firmly ignored.
Anyhow, either way, them preforming for their own egos isn’t required- if that’s how she’s going to repay you generously letting her take over, stop. You don’t have to. She could be gracious, instead she’s chosen to be nasty so that’s that for her.
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u/Suspicious-Eagle-828 17d ago
My JNMIL preferred to just watch the kids play rather than interact. And then she was shocked that the kids preferred my JYM over her. Who would have thought that the grandparent who actually talked with them, listened to them and played with them would be the favorite!
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u/No-Interaction-8913 13d ago
Yeah now that my kids are older that’s how it is for us too- inlaws put in zero effort and barely talk to the kids even when they’re there, but then MIL is all pissy and jealous that the kids prefer my parents who actually try and out in effort and know them and do fun stuff with them. Go. Figure.
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u/VelourBreeze 18d ago
Dude, I feel u. We're not just sperm donors, we’re dads who also can soothe, feed, bathe, n entertain. But MILs think they got this magic touch! Stop disrespecting our dad powers just cuz we let u have ur moment. No more glory stealing, k? Just us dads doing our dad thing, cuz we’re awesome at it too.
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u/Fantastic-Dish9517 18d ago
Amen brother ✊
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u/boundaries4546 18d ago
It’s okay to say “I got this grandma, sometimes people forget us Dads like to cuddle our babies too.” Then walk away before she grabs baby.
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u/Granuaile11 18d ago
The magic of the polite, but firm "No thank you" as you walk away with your child AND your peace cannot be overrated!
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u/mama2babas 18d ago
You're the dad, you need to set boundaries. This is your baby and you know best. Let her be disappointed. Baby comes before adult feelings, so keeping the baby up unnecessarily is a cardinal sin in my book. They do all of their development and growing in their sleep. Plus, the stress of being kept awake takes a tole on their body that isn't immediately repaired in the first sleep.
No more letting MIL bulldoze. Stal calm and be confident in your parenting instincts. If she treats you like a sperms donor or bumbling fool, politely invite her to leave. Make sure your wife is on the same page. "Baby needs to have a nap by 3:15. I'm going to take the baby and leave the room and your mom needs to leave us be or I'm going to ask that she go."
Edit- a word
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u/I_am_dean 18d ago
Someone told me it was the "pickle jar experience." Like you wear the baby down (loosen jar), then someone else comes in and immediately calms the baby (jar opens).
Made me feel a lot better because I would get so upset when my daughter wouldn't calm down for me, then dad/mil/whoever would step in, and she'd immediately fall asleep. Then they would act like, "lol I just know what im doing." Infuriating
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u/shelltrice 18d ago
thanks MIL, but I've got this - go relax while I handle our nighttime routine.
You will need to speak up because it will not stop until you do.
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u/WarmCinnamonx 18d ago
Having a routine and standing firm on when the baby needs rest needs to be something to be worked on.
If baby needs to sleep people need to leave or need to hand over the baby when told do so, No more "Entertaining the baby" until complete exhaustion and constant screaming.
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u/PeachyWhisprz 18d ago
Mate, I bloody feel you. Like, we aren’t babysitting, we’re parenting! They don't get it's not their show anymore. It's irritating as hell and undermines us dads who are actually trying to be there 24/7, right? We should celebrate dads stepping up, not make 'em look like incapable monkeys. So yeah, ur not alone, dude. Keep going, mate, ur kiddo knows who's got his back!
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u/Delicious_Record3373 18d ago
Oh, 100%. It’s like they have a sixth sense for swooping in at the exact moment to get credit while you’re left looking exhausted and clueless. It’s not about you being bad, it’s about them needing the spotlight.
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u/velvetswing 18d ago
Man I’ve never thought of this (child-free, grew up in a matriarchal compound) but you’re so right and that sucks. I’m gonna make sure to validate the dads in my village more, thanks!
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u/ButterflyDestiny 17d ago edited 17d ago
My husband would insist on taking care of our kid regardless of what anyone likes to do with her. Its always perception :/
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 18d ago
The idea that men cannot care for their own infants is stupid and antiquated. Stop allowing your MIL to push you out of your role as a father! Send her away before you start your bedtime routine. Lock the door to keep her out, if you must.
One of the best things we did as new parents was allowing no visitors for the first 3 weeks. We were alone, just the two of us and our baby, figuring everything out for ourselves without any interference from relatives who thought they knew better. My husband took to the dad role like a champ. By the time we were finally ready to see family, he was showing off how well he could burp our son. It was really cute 🥰 Once I went back to work after 3 months, I knew my husband was capable of watching our son by himself on the one weekend out of four I had to be at the hospital.
Fathers are essential to a child's well being. Do not allow anyone to diminish or take that away from you.
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u/VivianDiane 18d ago
She's not settling him, she's just collecting the reward after you did all the work.
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17d ago
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u/Visual-Vegetable113 18d ago
Yeah, that's rough. MIL thinks she's the baby whisperer just because she swoops in after you've done the hard work. Newsflash: babies are hard, and you're not useless just because you don't have a magic touch. Maybe set some boundaries next time, like "Hey, I've got this, thanks."
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u/Illustrious-Mix-4491 18d ago
I’m not a dad, a mom and grandmother but I understand. Some people are just blissfully unaware.
I take care of my grandchildren a lot. When one of my grad daughters was little I was doing her hair. Of course she was squirming, she was 2. My SIL was visiting and called grand daughter over to do her hair, because she knows how to do it better. While doing so made the comment that grandma just doesn’t understand kids. Now, I would have probably let it go if not for that comment. Of course said SIL has never been married, has no children, never around children, but says I don’t understand kids.
Some people are just blissfully unaware.
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u/Esetnod4nt1 18d ago
Oh, absolutely. It’s like a universal dad trap, do all the hard work, then she swoops in for the applause. Honestly, let her have the “golden touch” if it keeps the peace, but don’t let her rewrite the narrative, you know who actually does the heavy lifting.
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u/Electrical_Day8206 16d ago
That's perpetuating the problem. Terrible advice to "let her have" the golden touch.
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u/Tigress22304 13d ago
Jesus when my eldest and her fiance lived with us with their newborn-I always made sure Dad could handle bedtime routine (he worked days mom worked nights). I would ask if he needed any help/tips but never pushed my "knowledge" onto him. I feel he's just as capable as mom!
Some grandmothers just want that baby experience again or they act like my son in law's mother and feel fathers are useless no matter what.
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