Don’t want to attend my JUSTNOMIL’s bday celebration this October!

[u/Comfortable-Hair1277]

So…I really just don’t want to attend my MIL’s bday celebration dinner that we have for her pretty much every single year. I want to skip it this year, and I have valid reasons for wanting to skip it…

1) she’s been cold and distant to me; i have tried with her in the past to just be met with her turning around and either talking crap about me to other family members (I.e. my sister in law) or her just doing subtle rude things to me that my SO can’t always detect or understand. She has caused so much drama in the past and I’m just sick of her. It’s to the point I don’t have her around my toddler cuz of how shitty she’s been towards me…she’s changed but not enough imo.

2) there was a recent petty thing she did which was crop me out of one of my family pics of me, my daughter and my husband…😒 that just is not nice or ok.

3) the woman is really hard to be around for even 2 hours. I simply want peace and going to her bday celebration means she is going to try to monopolize my child and cross my boundaries AGAIN, be an underhanded jerk most likely, cuz when is she not?

Just to reiterate to drive my point home: I really just want peace. And life is short. I don’t feel like going and celebrating someone who doesn’t treat me great. Why should I?

Anyway,I really appreciate in advance anyone who has read my post and wants to help!😊 Please lmk how I can possibly just get out of this situation without causing too big a rift between me and my SO…😬😅

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Bittybellie]

“She’s rude to me so I don’t want to go celebrate her”. If your husband is anything other than understanding he’s your real problem 

[u/ShirleyUGuessed]

If your husband saw that she cropped you out of the pic, why would you not going cause a rift? Or is it only okay for her to cut you out, but not for you to cut her out??

[u/boundaries4546]

I have completely opted out of MIL gatherings, dinners, and small talk at kids sporting events. No announcements, I just don’t go.

[u/Rain12Bow]

“DH I feel really anxious about going to MILs birthday. I’m still upset about the photos and all the other things that have happened. I need some space to get past this. I’m going to sit this one out. Not to offend anyone, just to look after myself”.

This is an opportunity IMO. A chance for SO to understand how you feel in the relationship with MIL. A boundary of not going to protect yourself.

You can’t control anyone’s reaction to your boundary. You can only look after yourself and hope that SO will support you in that.

[u/2FatC]

You’re right, life is short. We get one life and we can choose to create the life we want, partly by deciding who we want in our lives. You get out of being around her by being honest with DH:

“I don’t like how I’m treated so I’m not serving myself up for poor treatment.”

And hold on to your truth.

[u/CornerAffectionate24]

Stay home with your daughter. If you go, she's just going to put up her "look, I'm an amazing grandma" when you know she's the wicked witch of the east!

[u/DismalPrint5951 → u/CornerAffectionate24]

I absolutely hate the performative grandma act, shit drives me insane. My MIL is big on this. She lives 30 minutes away, sees my baby MAYBE once every 3 months but sees my BILs baby more and when she does see mine. she acts like she cares so much. It’s so annoying

[u/Lopsided-Beach-1831]

Get a babysitter to protect I mean keep daughter at home and go yourself. What is the problem MIL? We are here, letting our hair down and celebrating you? How can you have a problem with that?

It will chap her hide big-time that little one isnt there and she cant play perfect grandma but you were actually there ‘celebrating’ her, so it was nothing personal, right? Doesnt that sound like some crap she would pull?

[u/Fubar_As_Usual]

If your SO cares so much about you having a relationship with his mother, he needs to talk to his mother about that. Otherwise, leave you alone and realize you can love him and detest her at the same time.

[u/Flibertygibbert]

There's a lot of bugs going round. It would be a pity if you had to cry off at the last minute. You were looking forward to the event!

[u/Purple_House_1147]

Judging by the way she treats you and I don’t mean this harshly, I don’t really think she’ll miss you there. Worry about you and don’t go

[u/Popular_Sandwich2039]

I feel a migraine coming on. Make her son buy her present.

[u/Lugbor]

So don't go. It's not like you're going to be dragged there by force. If your husband complains, tell him that it feels inappropriate for you to be celebrating someone who's done what you've listed here, and that if she wanted you there, she would've treated you with respect.

[u/muhbackhurt]

Tell SO that birthday celebrations shouldn't be obligatory, they should be because someone wants to celebrate the birthday person. You're done celebrating someone who clearly doesn't like you. Why should you feel obligated to go? MIL's birthday will be fine without you and you'll be fine without her.

I've had to sit my partner down about family obligations events. I've opted out of weekly dinners with my FIL because he only talks about himself and it's a boring 2 hour dinner when I could be doing things for myself. My partner tried to argue back but it's my choice and he knows that now.

[u/JewelerSea6090]

Oh dear, LO is coming down with something, and I'm going to keep her home. And its clear you need to stay home to take care of her.

Children are constantly coming down with this, that, and the other. It's an excuse that is very believable (because often it is true!)

[u/FeedAway829]

you are 'sick' and keeping LO at home with you . and your husband doesn't have to elaborate more than that to her

[u/MinionsHaveWonOne]

In theory you can do whatever you want. In practice actions have consequences and you have to decide if the fallout is worth it.

What's the fallout likely to be? Will DH be ok with it or will this cause a martial tiff? Will he want to take your daughter anyway and are you ok with that? Will MIL be offended or just as pleased as you are that you're not there? Will extended family be offended on her behalf or will they not care much one way or the other? In short is this going to cause drama and is that drama worth it simply to avoid being mildly bored and irritated for two hours. 

If you're planning for this to be a one off then you can probably avoid most drama by pulling a sickie but that's a one time thing. You can't "get sick" repeatedly without it becoming obvious and people generally resent that. But if you just want to skip this one event once then you would probably get away with it as long as you don't do anything stupid like posting yourself having coffee with friends when you're meant to be ill at home. 

[u/spikeymist]

An upset stomach is always a useful excuse, start running to the bathroom the day before, keep toddler home because you are pretty sure they are starting with it as well. You might need a few sound effects to happen!

[u/Wild_Midnight_1347]

time to take care of yourself. don’t go to MIL birthday party and when why you are not going - tell the truth. no more phony excuses. when you use phony excuses, you are not respecting yourself. time to take care of your mental health. Also, your child does not go party either.

[u/Stock-Mountain-6063]

Just be an adult and tell her you're not going. No is finance or for anything. Where does your husband stand with this?

[u/Forsaken-Buy2601]

“I don’t feel like it,” is a totally valid reason to skip.

[u/alimeluvr]

Then don't. You are an adult. Do better.

[u/berried_aprons]

Cropping you out of your family pictures is straight up unhinged behaviour, that woman is just bad people. Give yourself permission not to lift a finger for her going forward. You are under no obligation to keep playing nice, you’ll only grow resentful and she won’t appreciate it anyway. Don’t go and don’t explain any more than necessary. Say you and LO have other plans and wish DH a nice time.

[u/Cool_Organization_55]

Easy, don't go. Migraine or something like that. Just keep having them every year