r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Lopsided-Read-923 • 5d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Why are mothers like this with their boys?
I honestly fail to understand why mothers, and in much particular, !ndian mothers, so overbearing, overprotective and over sensitive towards their male kids?
I have seen this within families of my own, and the same is in case of my BF (27) of 11yrs. His mother is unbearable.
Always calling, texting, and smothering him. If he’s out and late by 10mins, there’s a panicked call. If he’s is on a trip (either w me or w his frnds), she literally doesn’t sleep till the time he has reached the destination, and is constantly taking updates via call/texts. The entire trip is also the same, starts with ‘good morning are u up!?’ text/call and continues till the end of day with extensive updates.
BF also I feel does not create any boundaries or restrict such behaviour. I cant handle that woman at all. Absolutely despise her (there are other things that have happened too ofc).
But I really reallyyyyyy fail to understand why are mothers like this, why do they not understand that they were and are also married and most likely have experienced the same from their MIL.
How and when does this end? I fail to also see a future with BF given the way his mother is.
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u/Immediate-Decision65 5d ago
I’m a mother of two boys (they’re still small though) but I think a lot of “boy moms” use their sons as a surrogate spouse. They smother them as children and being a mom becomes their whole identity. Then as the son grows up, they use them for emotional support and a social life. Things that a spouse, partner, or friends should be providing.
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u/TMagurk2 5d ago
Mother of a young adult son here.
For far too many women, being a mother is their identity and how they get self worth. In more sexist families/cultures, even more so if you have a son. It is enmeshment and really damaging.
It is also a difference in parenting philosophy. Far too many mothers think their job is to make sure their kids do the "right" thing. i.e. what they want and what they would do in any situation. They want the "best" for their kid and will micromanage the child to make it happen, even if that means the child doesn't learn to do things independently.
As a mom of Gen Z kids, unfortunately I see this helicopter/micromanaging style of parenting everywhere in parents of Gen Z. This style of parenting does not foster independence or help the child learn their own wants and values. Part of a child learning to meet deadlines is to let them miss deadlines and have natural consequences. My son did not get a parking pass for college this year, because he did not sign up on time. He is now taking the bus to school this semester. Note I did not nag or make sure *I* remembered the parking pass sign up day to make that happen FOR him.
When people do this micromanaging style of parenting, they teach that compliance to THEIR norms which teaches children that the most important thing is conformity to an authority figure (mom). When the child ultimately rejects some of the parent's ideas as they become their own adults, a lot of time they will reject the micromanaging parent as well. But often this micromanagement become their norm and this partly why so many adult sons don't really see JNMIL's as a problem.
It is hard taking a more hands off/anti-helicopter approach to parenting, especially knowing that your child will fail or miss out on opportunities because you didn't "make it happen" and left it to their own devices. Also hard when many of the other moms are caught up in making something like prom "magical". I felt like if my son wanted to go to prom, I would offer help, but ultimately he had to pick if he wanted a date, what to wear, getting the tickets, etc.
Other kids got awards for academic performance, mine never did, because I refused to be the homework nag and let him do things like fail tests (and even 1 class) in high school and then have the natural consequences of his actions.
I'm talking about high school/college level kids in my examples, but you can see how 5, 10, 20 years later, some mothers/sons never break out of this dynamic.
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u/Lopsided-Read-923 5d ago
Oh my god, the BF actualy says that he has been brought up a certain way and that includes him seeing his mother as an authority figure and he wants her to just be happy and at peace. And that also reflects in his actions, where he is okay upsetting me, but won’t say no to her or ‘hurt her feelings’.
Our rs has been damaged so much bcz of and by her, and all BF says is that the mother is ‘not evil at heart, just the way she is and has been’ - expecting me to be more accommodating/adjusting.
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u/ShirleyUGuessed 4d ago
Well, if he wants to make her his number one priority, I guess that's a choice he can make. But yeah, it is certainly going to damage any other relationships he has, especially when he lets her be completely over the top with him.
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u/CringeOlympics 4d ago
I know you probably love your boyfriend very much, OP, but he has absolutely no intention of changing his tune when it comes to his mom.
So if you stay with him…this is what your relationship will be like for the rest of your life.
I’m not saying you need to break up with him, but pointing out things that are understandably strange to you but normal to him isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Could he change? It’s possible…but he probably won’t, especially if he sees no problem where you see a big one.
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u/adkSafyre 5d ago
I feel you. Our youngest didn't get to graduate with his class because he failed a class messing around during the school year. He could have walked with his class and made up the course in summer school if I paid $600 for the class during summer sessions. My argument was, why should it cost me money to make up for you not taking it seriously during the school year when it was (relatively) free?
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u/TMagurk2 5d ago
Good for you for standing your ground and making a young adult have some young adult consequences. I've sort of had it with the moms who brag about everything their kids "accomplish" when I know it is them behind the scenes making sure every deadline is met, every form turned in, every assignment done, etc.
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u/Spare_Tutor_8057 5d ago
Parentification and enmeshment.
Basically using their son to fill an emotional/physical void that a partner or themselves should be fulfilling.
It’s easier to rely on the kid they’ve raised to be loyal to a fault and sculpted to be the perfect, agreeable and safe man who asks for little in return, instead of actually working on themselves or their failed or non existent relationships outside of their children.
It’s the norm for the adult son who has been raised that way for his whole life. Brainwashed like it’s a cult mindset.
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u/Lopsided-Read-923 5d ago
I think I agree to this here. BF’s dad passed away 4yrs ago, and since then the mother’s crazy has gone up 1000x. Shouldn’t be saying this, but idk what else to do or say.
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u/Specialist_Wing_1212 4d ago
I would search for Indian MIL stories on here to see what your possible future is going to be like. However after dating for 11 years you already know what your future will be like. His mother will come first, you second. You have to decide if you are okay with this dynamic. If not it is up to you to walk away because your boyfriend will not change. Good luck!
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u/CranberryOrange89 4d ago
So my BF and I are both Indian. He’s an only child and we have dealt with this quite a bit. The first time we went out for drinks at night and his phone died, she kept calling me and texting me because she was in a panic. When we drove 4 hours for my friend’s wedding, she kept texting me every 20-30 mins because she was worried about her son driving in the dark.
We had to have an open and honest convo and he wasn’t understanding my side at first until I made it clear that it was a serious issue for me. Before our next trip together, I made him understand he is not to answer every single call or text. The focus is to enjoy our time together and that he can update her at the end of each night or when we got back.
When she started texting me, I did not reply because I realized I needed to prioritize myself and my happiness.
If your BF isn’t willing to make these changes then that would be something you need to decide to live with or leave. I, personally, wouldn’t have stayed if I didn’t see my BF learning to make these changes and starting to set boundaries.
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u/Ok-Discipline-1998 4d ago
They’re desperate for male validation and attention because they’re not getting any from their emotionally absent husbands.
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u/Recent-Reporter-1670 5d ago
This does not get better until he grows a pair. This is why I don't date momma boys.
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u/khurramabad 5d ago
Kind of have something similar where my husbands mother always text and call to check in on him. He’s 32 lol. So, I’m not crazy. This isn’t normal right ?
Sending you lots of love, this is difficult to go through. They (men) think it’s completely normal and often fail to love and respect their mothers and wives at the same time but in different ares of their lives.
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u/Chickenman70806 5d ago
Better question: why do men allow themselves to be treated like children ?
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u/Kristan8 5d ago
I believe for some if you grow up like this it’s all you know. Otherwise, beats me.
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u/TMagurk2 5d ago
There is also something about being waited on hand and foot with a personal assistant because you can't be "trusted" to cook correctly, turn things in on time, etc. Even better if that person is providing "women's work" type stuff that as a man you are above having to do.
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u/Lopsided-Read-923 5d ago
Even after pointing these things out to BF, he doesn’t really see it!?? He wants everyone in his ‘family’ to be okay and happy and fails to often do right by me when it comes to my problems with them. It’s been 11yrs we’ve been dating btw.
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u/Immediate-Decision65 5d ago
Ask him if he’d be ok and happy if your father inserted himself in every aspect of your lives. The constant texts, constant opinions, constant unsolicited advice. Not letting your husband be the man in your relationship but rather a little boy who needs the grownup to tell him what to do. And he’d have to go along with it to “keep the peace”.
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u/Immediate-Decision65 5d ago
I think a lot of them just don’t see it. They grew up with it so it’s normal to them. It usually takes a partner or spouse to tell them that it’s not normal and his mother shouldn’t be a third person in their relationship. I had this issue with my own husband.
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u/MinionsHaveWonOne 4d ago
If your BF is 27 then this is more a BF problem than a MIL one. I've some sympathy with 18-20 year olds having difficulty setting boundaries with their parents because they're brand new to adulting and have generally not been bought up to do that. But at some stage adults need to be held responsible for their own actions - or lack thereof.
If at 27 your BF is still happy texting and calling his mother multiple times a day then it's because he actually likes that dynamic. Which is fine - there are plenty of people who enjoy close family relationships that others might see as "enmeshed." But if that's the dynamic he likes then you and he may not be compatible.
Part of dating is working out whether the family dynamic you're planning on marrying into is one for you. If it isn't then it is usually more sensible to break up and find someone whose family dynamic is more to your liking than to get married anyway and then complain that your partner and his entire family aren't prepared to change their dynamic to suit you.
If your BF is unwilling to set any boundaries with his mother then that's unlikely to change. Either make your peace with that and date him anyway or call it quits and move on.
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u/rowdyfreebooter 4d ago
The only reason they do it is because they are allowed to!
Now my husband not Indian, but his mother wanted to know everything. He was bought up that it was just easier to do what she wanted than have boundaries with her.
I remember saying to his family that the only reason she did it was because they allowed it. They would all just take the path of least resistance and do what she wanted. (Even when married with their own children)
Now we are talking adults, married with children of their own. I just refused to be part of it and when she calls walk away, stop engaging with him while he is dealing with her. It took a while but my husband started getting back to him on his terms and now it’s not an issue- it just took 20 years.
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u/Lopsided-Read-923 4d ago
I 100% agree to this. Unless clear boundaries are made, this wont change. Actions > words.
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u/SleepyKoalaBear4812 5d ago
As you fail to see a future with BF, MIL is winning. She wants to keep him away from anyone she cannot manipulate and control. She wants to be the dominant partner in his marriage, with a compliant incubator DIL.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 3d ago
OP, if you care about him as I see you do, be honest. Let him know that his family relationships are his to manage of course. But you see a difference in your values that will pose a problem moving beyond simple boyfriend-girlfriend status.
Your values are that you want a partner who puts you as a priority. To you, that means adult conversations and trips are uninterrupted. Contact with parents and siblings is scheduled or made when your time together permits.
His values may be that he keeps in touch with his family in real time, as they think of something, and he loves a momma check-in during trips.
Let him voice that. Or say he hates it and just realized it and will fix it immediately. Whatever.
Then decide if you’re compatible on issues of values.
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u/RiskSure4509 4d ago
OP it's cultural thing,if you ever get the chance to watch an interaction with maybe your bfs cousins or other you family members...It's very cultural and they give there children no space and constantly want there time filled with "family" and if your not "family " IE Indian can take a very long long time for them to accept you.
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u/simonannitsford 4d ago
Yes, it's all about allowing it to happen. I moved 200 miles away from home for work at 18.5, and after I had made my own adjustments, I'd go home for a few days then cheerfully drive off with my mum crying on the doorstep. I probably rang to say I'd got back safely about 25% of the time. All this way, way before mobile phones.
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