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u/Lugbor 4d ago
She's telling him she will visit with guests?
"No, you will not be visiting. As a result of you mistreating my wife, you are not welcome in our home. The door will remain locked and you will not be allowed in."
And then do just that. Let them show up, and keep the door locked and the blinds closed. Let them throw their porch tantrum. If they don't leave after a few minutes, let the police escort them off the property. They won't learn unless there are consequences for their behavior.
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u/AidanAva 4d ago
100% THIS ! Mate, this is where you are and this is what needs to be done. Just burn the fucking bridge because nothing else works !
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
What if she starts pulling that victim card? She usually would act all nice to me when she knows DH is not abiding by her rules, she never shows her true colours when DH is in the picture, she is really really good at hiding her intentions
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u/morganalefaye125 4d ago
From DH: Mom, my family is the person I married, and this is OUR house. Not yours in any way. You should ask when it's a good time to come over, not just tell me you're doing it. You are disrespecting me and my spouse. So, if you just choose a time and day, and just show up, we will not be answering the door. This needs to stop. NOW.
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u/Labradawgz90 4d ago
Since they already haven't seen her for 2 months for her boundary stomping and she is doing it again, I would add, if this persists we will go no contact. If you continue to show up announced and don't respect our boundaries, we will take more steps to ensure that our boundaries are respected. (If she asks what that means I would then say, I would call police if she shows up unannounced, get restraining order if necessary)
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
Is it wrong that I kind of hoped she’d do this? I think this would truly be a downfall for her. She’s really good at it that she’d know when to back off if she knows we’d tell her off. Like a covert narcissist you know?
It’s like we feel crazy for the things she’d do or say but then make it seem like it’s nothing.
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u/Complex-Event-3814 4d ago
Your husband simple tell her “NO, your not going to tell me what your doing at MY house, you can either ask if wife and I are free and we can have a conversation like ADULTS or you turn up uninvited and I will keep the door locked,call the police and have you trespassed” Her feelings are not your problem, she has NO power over Either of you and especially not YOU!!!!
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
You know what, I absolutely would take this advice. I’m done being nice and understanding about it just because she’s his mother. She needs to back off and I do not want her around me for these coming holidays at all. The family loves to force everyone to be together even though there’s nothing fun to do and no emotional connection give to each other.
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u/Complex-Event-3814 4d ago
Yes girl!!!!! Tell your husband he can go if he wants and don’t try to stop him (so they can’t use that your trying to keep their son away etc…) but you on the hand don’t owe them anything, you don’t need to spend your holidays unhappy or being abused by his family. Protect your peace. I’m rooting for you and your husband 🥰
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u/KatzAKat 4d ago
You have a husband problem. He's an adult. He no longer GETS to be quiet, he GETS to stand up for HIMself and for his spouse. That's his adult responsibility to himself.
Why be there when your MIL plans her "visit"? You're busy, be gone. She can't dictate your whereabouts just because she "has spoken".
There's no point "in telling her off". She'll only hear what she can use against him, and you. Silence is where the power is. Any communication back to her just rewards her behavior.
The only thing your husband should say is something like "Spouse IS my family and my first priority".
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Would you recommend to keep up with saying No and reinforcing boundaries? Even ‘til it gets worse and worse? DH has been grey-rocking her hard for months now and every-time she’d text, it’s always planning. It’s like she’s very eager to be alone with him. I believe she’s refusing to understand the reality. She was not like this until we got a house together. My DH won’t go unless I go as well so we just end up not showing up regardless.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 4d ago
Nope. Dont answer the door. Dont open the door. Get a doorbell camera. You can speak to her through the camera- oh, MIL, so sorry. We arent avail right now. There is a starbucks down the street to grab some coffee for your guests. Toodles😊
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Girl, I wouldn’t even talk and I do have one. I’d just let them wait there. We’re almost an hour away from her area too so.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 4d ago
“No, you can’t come. If you do, we won’t answer the door. If you refuse to leave we will call the police.”
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u/Floating-Cynic 4d ago
Excuse me? You ARE adults. And if they wouldn't speak to any other adult like that, they shouldn't speak to you this way.
Try that going forward. "Do you speak to other adults like this, or just me? Well until you learn that I'm your equsl, the answer is no."
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Oh gosh, I’d love to say this every opportunity I get. She stopped talking to me ever since me and DH got a house. She’s just clinging onto him more than ever now. And we don’t see her as often, that’s why she’s being overbearing with her boring plans.
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u/hotridergirl36 4d ago
You two need to grow nice shiny spines and confront this head on. Work together, stand together and tell her enough. If she doesn’t recognise you as DH’s wife and start being respectful, then it’s time she learnt the hard way and that’s no contact.
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
I’m really eager to do this but she is on block for 2 months now. And I do not want to talk to her ever again. This is all up to DH now. I don’t know why but I fear for him.
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u/JaeJames138 3d ago
He tells her this, "Mother, you aren't welcome in our home due to the way you've treated (your name.) She is my partner, and this is our home, and your ill behavior will no longer be tolerated by either of us. If you show up here, we will call the police and have you tresspassed."
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
I don’t think this will work. She always flips the script and always make it seem like she’s just trying “to do something nice” She’s always the good one in her reality. This will probably just end up to her not acknowledging me, as always. She will exclude and exclude. It’s always just about her or the “family”.
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u/MeanTemperature1267 3d ago
Why would your DH wait for a crowd and all of its pressure when he can reply via text: "Thanks for the heads up. If you do this, I will call the police and have you trespassed when you all arrive. You are not welcome in our home due to your treatment of AbilityPale. When you are ready to apologize and change your behavior, we can discuss possible visits."
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
This is what I told him. I am at the edge already and I’m so frustrated because he keeps saying he doesn’t know how to. This is exactly why she keeps stepping on him like a doormat. However, of course I feel bad as well as he grew up with her his whole life and was conditioned to always “respect” your parents. I honestly think this is just so MIL could control and manipulate them. Which is the case because his other siblings were led to their downfall. Except him, because he did something for himself and is now doing well with his job. So now, I think they’re targeting him for being well off without them.
I believe MIL doesn’t want her kids to do any better than she did.
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u/MeanTemperature1267 2d ago
OH MY GOSH.
First of all, best of luck. I think your husband is trying, and that's huge -- so many don't.
But your last sentence was such a light bulb for me, and explains why my ILs constantly downplay or ignore the success that my SO has made of his life! His other siblings are still banking from the account of Mom and Dad, and we hear their praises sung constantly, but we are independent, so a lot of the time, the blood/sweat/tears we pour into our livelihood is just...ignored.
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u/adkSafyre 4d ago
No. MIL and her posse are no longer permitted in your home. That is your home and your sanctuary. If she can't treat you with respect as DH's partner, then he can meet them in public, or at her house, but your homr is off limits DH needs to be clear that the door won't be answered and if they come and make a scene the police will be called to have her trespassed.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Nope, even her house is off limits! Why? Because that’s where all the guilt tripping and shaming for living our lives started. She’s on it very hard though, to the point she’ll take any opportunity just to be alone with my DH. I do agree with meeting in public, I think she’s keeping him or us isolated so she can shame and manipulate us along with her monkeys.
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u/adkSafyre 4d ago
If her house is off limits, then I agree they can only meet in public. As long as she doesn't get access to your home. Public spaces mean you can get up and leave.
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u/AutumnNightFox 4d ago
Don’t be home, go out for the day with your husband. Go on a day long date and ignore you MIL’s calls.
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
We always do this now, she doesn’t even have the nerve to call him. This is why she wants to be alone with him so badly, even so be alone with the rest of the family since they are all in her little games.
The whole family thinks he’s obligated to do what they want for “family”. You can see why, she’d dictate everything such as “Your siblings want to see you” “Your uncle wants to see you” etc. But they never even talk to him like AT ALL. No text, no phone call whatsoever.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 4d ago
Husband needs to tell her no because it's your house too. Tell him to express to her that she can't just come over without warning and as this is your home too and she's been so dismissive of you and disregarded you, HE will not have you feeling awkward in your own home. Tell him to advise her that he will visit her when he has time but she can't come over to your house until she has taken accountability, apologised and a resolution has been reached. Time for him to man up and start acting like a husband.
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
She’d definitely come to me and start putting up a fake facade. She has done this and I do not want to be around her at all. I used to be close with DH’s siblings but ever since she started showing her true colors, they’ve somehow distanced themselves, I’m guessing she had said things about me. I wouldn’t be surprised though, she loves gossip.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 3d ago
“I’m sorry we aren’t able to entertain you in our home. If you give us advance warning we can try to arrange a dinner out.”
And then don’t say anything else. The ball will be in her court to give advance warning.
If she DOES show up to your house unexpectedly just text and say “sorry we aren’t able to unavailable to entertain you in our home with no notice.” Essentially repeating what you told her before. If you have a ring doorbell thing use that to communicate even if you’re home.
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
Oh she knows, they’re a boring family. She just wants her supply. That’s why she keeps bothering my DH.
They all expect him to make them feel good about themselves.
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u/SpaceCrazyArtist 4d ago
Sounds like you two need therapy together. Not couple therapy to learn how to be a couple but to learn how to deal with MiL. A professional May be best.
We used Psychology Today . Com to find a person and they’ve been great
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
I’ve brought this up many times with DH, unfortunately he can’t have it as it will affect his job progression and for me, due to personal circumstances I am also unable to at the moment.
I would love to do this but we just aren’t able to as of now :(
All I can do is go on reddit.
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u/KatzAKat 4d ago
If you don't pay with insurance, there's no record for anyone to find. Pay cash for the sessions and tell the therapist about the concerns of professional hinderance. Don't discuss therapy outside of therapy so no one else knows.
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u/SpaceCrazyArtist 4d ago
Job progression? How is going to a therapist for something completely unrelated have anything to do with a job? You dont even need to tell your job
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
It’s more on about psychology and I guess any problems that may affect him mentally? It sounds very stupid I know, the first time hearing just didn’t make sense and still don’t.
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u/SpaceCrazyArtist 4d ago
Sounds like an excuse because you dont want to admit you need help. Which I get it’s hard but sometimes having an outside perspective from a professional can really help.
My husband hates talking about himself but it was therapy or divorce and I would push for a 50/50 split of our kid which I know he wouldn’t be able to handle. So he chose therapy. Things are much better now that he is starting to realize a lot of his issues stem from His mother.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
You know what that sounds true, it is an excuse. I doubt a single couple’s therapy would affect his career that much.
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u/Raedaline 4d ago
If family is everything, then what about my family? My wife is my family. I chose my wife and will be there for her and stand up for her because that is what I promised in my vows. You have no place here if you continue to disrespect her, especially in her own home. You don't get to come here, bring an audience, and constantly do whatever you want and belittle my family. If you come here again without explicit permission I will call the cops. I will not play this game with you. Your feelings don't trump anyone else's. I dont care if you send the entire family after me. If you do, I will make a post and spill all of our dirty laundry. Do not test me.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Too late, the family already is on her side. My MIL is a “victim” you know. That’s why she’s insisting her sister and mum to “our” house. I’m guessing hoping to crack my DH because he’s not in the dysfunctional system anymore.
He’s the golden child of the family. Of course, she’d hold onto him no matter what. He is the golden trophy of the family and I am her anxiety.
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u/Raedaline 4d ago
So what if family is on her side? At this point make a post and spell out her villainy. Who cares?
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u/Lanky-Fix7376 4d ago
Get your family there first and if it start you have people on your side
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
My mum said the same thing! She said she’d love to see her try! It’s funny as well, mum happens to be a single mother just like her and raised me and my siblings well all by herself. Never once interfered or be overbearing just like MIL. Family is of course important to us but not like this force/cult.
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u/Worldly_Science 4d ago
Yes, family is important. He’s built his own nuclear family and he is doing what is best for them.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Is it really when they’re the ones withholding the dysfunction? I do believe DH has to be the one to cut it off though. I’m not sure how to deal with this type of family as I grew up in a supportive and healthy household, I’m not sure either for my DH. He has told me confrontation has never been a thing within the family so he isn’t sure how to do it.
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u/Worldly_Science 4d ago
In this instance this is what he should do. Text:
“Hey mom, that date/time doesn’t work for us. We can set up a day once we have a chat about how we are to be treated going forward. x dates work for us to have that chat. Once we do that, we can discuss you coming to the house sometime.”
Meet her somewhere public. Leave the baby with someone else. Tell her not to bring an entourage.
Then don’t be there when she shows up when she decided. Go to the zoo, the library, hell go to Walmart all damn day. Do not meet with her outside of when you two agree with it. Don’t let her dictate terms
When she pitches a fit that y’all weren’t home, tell her “we told you we weren’t available until we sit and have clear expectations”.
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u/Classic_Cauliflower4 4d ago
And if she manages to get lucky and show up when you are there, you inform her it’s not a good time and then shut the door in her face. You do not have to let her in the door just because she’s standing on your step. Another word for “unwelcome guests” is “intruders”.
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u/Infamous-Let4387 4d ago
Therapy therapy therapy
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u/Embercream 4d ago
Say no, then lock the door and don't answer. If they manage to get in anyway, charge them with breaking and entering, I guess. Assuming they had to bust out a window.
I have a picture of a rooster holding a bullhorn up with one leg to scream through that I feel would be very appropriate for if your in laws decided to show up and just sort of bellow insults at you from the outside, should you not let them in. Sadly it will not allow me to post it here.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
I dare her! We’ve recently attached a camera and I’d be glad to have evidence of her trespassing. If that’s the only way to get rid of her permanently off my home.
I really want to see the picture now, that sounds amazing LOL
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u/Embercream 4d ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/BackYardChickens/s/RELlzofgf9
Edit: just scroll down a little, enjoy!
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u/MartyrOlympics 4d ago
I think a big part of the problem and why you feel like you haven't made any headway (when actually you have!) is because you both are still hearing too much noise from them.
Two months of not seeing her is great progress, give yourself credit for that. The next phase? Muting them all so you and your husband can have space to live in your own heads for a while. Nobody can self-reflect with so many negative voices chiming in. Pretend you're in a pandemic bubble again.
Know that you and your husband actually hold all the power when it comes to having a relationship. They can gnash their teeth and wail like banshees but you two are the ones that decide whether or not you want to have contact with them. And that's why they're escalating because they want to wear you down, and you have to figure out which mental strategies are going to help you cope, which takes some trial and error too and may differ from what your husband may do. And recognize that your expectations may not be realistic: if she's this way now, she may never change, even with your boundaries. So take your time to plan a way forward. No need to rush into talking to them, if ever.
I strongly encourage you to find healthy ways of dealing with stress in general. Three big things to consider:
1) doing the basics of taking care of yourself: eating well, exercising regularly (not necessarily often, just routinely), and getting adequate sleep (which helps with emotional regulation too);
2) avoid negative thinking patterns, like catastrophizing and crystal ball thinking (assuming you know that the future is going to be terrible);
3) being aware when you're manifesting signs of anxiety, like excessive muscle tension or having trouble turning off the worries at bedtime.
If you think it applies, try to pivot yourself away from MIL and refocus on yourself and your husband. Set little goals relating to fun or pleasure for yourself, like doing a new or favorite activity for 30 min/wk.
If you think you must answer the door for them--remind yourself you don't actually have to! My JNMIL pretended that she wasn't home and my FIL was asleep, which was her excuse for not opening the door when my sibling was dropping off a few hundred dollars' worth of Christmas gifts on our behalf at a prearranged time. Unlike my JNMIL, who did that because she was on a power trip, you have a valid reason for physically and mentally blocking out his family.
Good luck!
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago edited 4d ago
We are doing the exact things you said, such muting and I guess it’s not working either. Would you think ignoring now is the best option? Even for my DH? Like for example, when she tries to make plans and insist on things.
Thank you for your advice, I’ve been doing them but of course still relapse when she comes back like this. I’d have a few peaceful days or week without worrying about her but she bounces back and I’m all out to day one. I’m trying my best to be healthy for myself but it feels like a parasite.
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u/MartyrOlympics 4d ago
It's a win to have even those peaceful days or week of calm! I think you are doing better than it feels. Maybe having an informal record of how frequently you feel yourself thinking about them would provide a clearer picture of how frequently you are actually bothered by them and how you're feeling (hangry, tired, stressed from work, etc.) when they do get to you?
It doesn't hurt to discuss ignoring their behavior for a trial period and see how it affects your mood and his. See what DH thinks. Another strategy I learned in therapy is to only allocate a specified time (e.g., 15 min every other day midmorning) to deal with whatever they're throwing at you via text/email/voicemails. This is so you're not getting that stress response of an adrenaline rush multiple times a day and never being able to switch off that vigilance while waiting for their next attack.
So much of this is coping stuff is mental retraining and just plain ol' wrangling sometimes. It's hard work, so please be kind and patient with yourself. Sending you and your husband lots of encouragement!
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u/WriterMomAngela 4d ago
No one can dictate when they will come to your home but you. She cannot say I’m coming to your home at this time and date and show up unless you accept. The two of you together. Her texting him and informing him of her visit is not only incredibly rude and unacceptable it is something you will have to agree to in order for it to happen. If you two are not honest when she arrives then she cannot visit you.
Boundaries are not boundaries unless they have a consequence attached to them. You can’t say ‘mom we don’t want you to tell us you’re going to show up whenever you feel like it anymore’ because that will have zero effect on her. It’s the same as wishing for it to happen. She will ignore it. You have to say ‘mom you will no longer inform us when you wish to visit us that’s unacceptable and rude and if you do it again we will cut contact with you for two weeks’ (as an example).
The metaphor I find most helpful to understand this is if you built a fence around your yard and your yard held a magnificent playground. If you didn’t put a gate in the fence and instead left a gap where a gate would go you’d just be hoping the neighborhood children would not come and play on your playground. Without the gate there’s no enforcement of the boundary which is the fence. You need the consequence of closing the gate in order to enforce the boundary.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
That’s actually is really helpful and the insight about boundaries is great. Could you please elaborate on the differences of those examples of sentences, I’d like to know better
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u/Illustrious-Mix-4491 4d ago
She can’t come in unless you, or SO allow it. It is a joint home so that is a 2 yes and 1 no. He does not get to just make a decision about a joint home without you.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
DH always asks me and of course it’s a No, I’ve only started seeing problems with her ever since we moved in our house and she’d non-stop insert herself into our life. I was okay with it at first but it went on every week of wanting to visit “him”. Even to the point of buying as so many furnitures that we told her No to many times. Now, her house is full of it. Do I feel bad? Absolutely not. But Since then she’s been thinking something is wrong with him and would even mention me for whenever he refuses to abide by her rules.
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u/Lonely_Ship9812 4d ago
Your DH needs to respond back to his mom and say no.
Then for good measure I'd probably plan something out of the house that day for both of you. Let her show up with friends in tow and have no one be home. Sounds like she is going to paint herself the victim anyways, might as well get away from it and go have a nice day with your DH where you dont have to worry about seeing her.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
He does say no but at this point I would actually rather him tell her off instead of just saying No. He said he’s even willing to go NC and this will absolutely cause rage from the whole family. I’m in between and I’m just losing it tbh.
And yes you are right, we actually do keep o ourselves busy now but MIL just won’t budge. And this is why I’m upset now that she’s bringing her sister and the mother. It’s worse than bringing the siblings.
I refuse to have a companion of negativity in our house. I do not want her here at all. All she does is reinforce that mommy and the siblings come first to my DH.
I’m sorry if the way I say things is a mess, I just don’t know anymore.
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u/mama2babas 4d ago
You are trying to control your MIL and make her not a crazy person. She is a crazy person. She isn't going to stop her behavior. You need to learn to control your reactions to her and realize she can do and say whatever she wants and it doesn't matter.
You set boundaries with your SO. MIL & company are not welcome in your home. Problem solved.
MIL shows up? Don't let her in.
MIL shows up with a posse? Don't let them all in.
Don't acknowledge them. Say no and don't budge.
DH can reach out to other relatives and work on one on one relationships with them so they might ask him about things instead of blindly following MIL.
But you are allowing her to have so much power over you and your mental well- being. Telling her off isn't a better option than going NC. Go NC even temporarily. Get yourself some help or if you can't, look up dr. Jerry Wise on YouTube and you and SO should take his FREE course. I promise you, you're going to feel better with distance from her.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
How do I exactly? I’ve done books snd pods-casts, went NC and everything. Ever since then she’s been more consistent with it all through my DH. Now she even got worse with not acknowledging me at all. She’s really full on with the disrespect towards me. The stronger my DH gets with putting boundaries and ignoring her, the worse she gets with her blame towards me.
This is massive family dysfunction. Now that my DH has claimed his own life and personality. The family has been nonstop with creating chaos within our relationship as they label me the “outsider”. I am not part of it at all. I am the “home-wrecker”.
Most of the things you’ve said, me and DH have been doing. It’s just getting worse and worse. I’m cracking and with so much things in my plate right now I am thinking of leaving.
For the first time in my life, I am losing hope and want to give it up.
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u/mama2babas 4d ago
Look up Dr. Jerry Wise and his content on self differentiation. This is not an issue with them, I am afraid, this is an issue with you. Who cares if they blame you and disclude you? Who cares if they don't like you and think you're a monster? If your DH is setting boundaries, then they shouldn't be accessing you. Block their numbers and call the police if they show up at your house. Don't let them access you and set boundaries with DH about not oassing along their messages to you anymore.
Please seek professional help if this is distressing you to the point of breaking down. This is not your burden to bare and you need real life guidance to calm your nervous system and recognize perceived threat vs actual physical threat. When youre under as much stress as it sounds like you are, you're in a constant state of fight or flight and it's going to take more than a quick realization to calm yourself and be able to become less emotionally reactive. It took me 10 months of NC - literally not hearing from my MIL at all - in order to let go of my stress and rage.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly 4d ago
Sometimes they double down or change tact. Your DH will just have to keep shutting it down.
"That doesn't work for us. When you start treating my SO with respect, WE will consider inviting you over to OUR home." "You don't get to just invite yourself let alone others to OUR home."
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u/MartyrOlympics 4d ago
Her escalation actually fits the pattern of what is referred to as an "extinction burst." It's a known behavioral pattern: "a temporary increase in the frequency, intensity, or duration of a behavior that occurs when the reinforcement maintaining that behavior is discontinued."
The key is to keep being consistent with your boundaries and enforcing them with your chosen consequences. It's draining, and I know it's hard not to wish that it would be over and done with all at once, but after you get it established then it will get more routine and less stressful, if that makes sense. It'll still be irritating, but on a mosquito bite level rather than rage-inducing.
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u/Excellent-Food4745 4d ago
Agree. Don’t be there if possible. Try to get husband to tell her no. Then stick to the boundary- either don’t answer the door or go away for the day. I saw a post about a woman who waved to her uninvited MIL through the window and still didn’t let her in. I want to be her and want you to be her also ❤️
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u/buckeye-person 4d ago
DH can tell her everything she has done and is doing is wrong and she will not believe him. There honestly is no point in telling her.
I agree with lock your doors and do not engage. If necessary call the police and have them trespassed. There is absolutely no good reason to listen to their bull carp.
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u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Is it really not worth it and will make things worse if DH confronted her?
DH don’t have a significant emotional connection with any of his family but they like to believe they are all close because they were conditioned to be altogether as the word “family” was reinforced so much in their culture. I’m wondering because this could be a reason why he doesn’t miss them or talk to each other at all. Other than MIL of course, being the dictator for everyone.
She always say “your siblings wants to see you” “aunty wants to see you”but none of them ever care to actually call or text him it themselves.
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u/ELNAROWENA 4d ago
That's because they see him as a disobedient child. This is how you treat children.
MIL is a control freak, the "matriarch" in her head so of course it all has to go through her.
If your DH is willing to go NC so should you. Can you move? That would be my first thought.
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u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
Unfortunately we are not able to move as of now, we just moved here end of last year due to his job and she lives almost an hour away from us :( I really want to get away due to her never ending plans, we’ve done everything we could as possible but i really think no contact is the beat option. I’ve blocked her and everything but DH is still just on LC.
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u/Bubbly_Inspector_884 3d ago
On the day she has invited the family over, go out for the day. You did not invite her therefore you do not need to be there.
Hubby and you both need some councilling on how to handle the bulldozing inlaws so they understand boundaries. Good luck
2
u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
Hey, would you know who exactly to go to for counselling? I’ve never done it and would love to know how to get started
1
u/Bubbly_Inspector_884 2d ago
Hi, I am based in the UK so have a slightly better idea of how to go about this over here but I have the feeling that you are in the USA! For you a recommendation would narrow the field down. Maybe someone on this thread can give a better idea.
9
u/Vibe_me_pos 3d ago
Does she have a key to your place? Do you have a ring doorbell or a peephole in your door?
If she doesn’t have a key, don’t let her in. If you don’t have a video door bell or a peephole, get one.
This is simple. Do not let her in. Your husband needs to forcefully tell her not to come and not to bother you anymore. You will never be home for her when she visits.
2
u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
DH installed a camera just outside the door. Which is a relief somehow. But it does stress me knowing that she’ll drive up here without caring about what we want. He just said he won’t answer and pretend we aren’t home.
But still, this is scary because I have never met such a person this insane but subtle with it. Ny mum don’t even act like this to me nor my older brother.
6
u/No_Dot6963 4d ago
No, thanks is a complete sentence
4
u/AbilityPale1572 4d ago
Trust me, we’ve said this to every single text she sends or say. It doesn’t work for her like it does for us. When DH says it, she goes silent for a week then comes back with another plan.
6
u/DesperateOne416 3d ago
I just commented on your post last week thinking it was today's post (when I was checking the post history) so I'll try not to repeat myself, but don't police your DH. If he wants to tell her off, let him. If he doesn't want to tell her off, he can just not respond to the text and not answer the door if she shows up.
but this has been driving you to distraction. maybe it's time to start therapy to work out your feelings?
2
u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
I’m thinking of therapy, am unsure how to do it as I’ve never done it before. Would you know who exactly to go and see for this type of problem?
I really don’t want to see her or talk to her anymore after all of it. I’ve read books about narcissism and she really fits the covert one. I don’t think I can handle much more of it.
1
u/DesperateOne416 2d ago
Most everywhere should have easy access to online therapy. Is Better Help available in your country/state? What is the mental health system like in your country? Is there a county health board or mental health center? If you don’t know ask your pcp. If you’re in the us check psychology today for recs.
What country are you in? What state?
4
u/Kimbaaaaly 3d ago
Definitely male site no one has keys to your locks (that neither of you gave one for a specific reason also didn't get it back. Is your think there are keys floating around your can change your locks. Add a dead bolt your can lock from inside.
Your so not have to answer your door, speak to them, anything. If they continue to knock, doorbell, whatever they are done to get your attention you can try police to help with them harassing you.
I hope they don't put you guys in this position.
6
u/AbilityPale1572 2d ago
I hope so too, I’ve been having a gut feeling of her showing up out of spite since we’ve been refusing her for the past 2 months. I’m dreading for the holidays too because last year she was so overbearing and I didn’t realise what she was doing until a few months of it.
3
u/Kimbaaaaly 2d ago
Someone recently posted that she and hubs and any children will always wake up in their own home on holidays. They may agree to stop by on another day, but across holidays are going to be nuclear family oriented.
Oh and no one else will be in the home for the holiday but them. Grandparents are pissy but this couple laid down the law. I love it
•
u/botinlaw 4d ago
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Other posts from /u/AbilityPale1572:
Partner Refuses to Hang Out., 1 week ago
Rant, 2 weeks ago
What’s with the Never Ending Plans?, 2 weeks ago
Mental Health Declining, 1 month ago
MIL texted me., 1 month ago
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