r/JUSTNOMIL • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Am I Overreacting? MIL is one of the rudest/ strangest people I have ever met.
[deleted]
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u/Silver6Rules 4d ago
She is trying to exclude you on purpose. But bigger than that, you have a husband problem if he doesn't immediately call it out for what it is and have the both of you leave.
She knew the both of you were coming over, so it was not a last minute thing, correct? Even if it was, she could have let you guys know she didn't have enough food ahead of time so you guys could go get something. She didn't do this because she WANTED you to know you're being left out. It is a power move to let you know she feels you are unimportant and not a permanent figure in the family.
Your husband needs to set firmer boundaries with her about her disrespect of you, or she needs to be cut off. Continuing to have contact with her after the disrespect just reinforces to her that it's okay.
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u/winniethepoohville 4d ago
It was interesting because she started to make it about 20 minutes after we arrived. At this point I know it isn’t for me when she makes anything because she does this lots but this recent time really stuck out to me because she really emphasized that it wasn’t for me at all and she only made enough for them
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u/Silver6Rules 4d ago
Yeah, exactly. So it's confirmed to be on purpose. I wonder what your husband had to say when she said she didn't have enough for you? Didn't he find that cruel and disrespectful? It's bad enough that she does it, but even worse if he doesn't call her out on it.
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u/IcyWorldliness9111 4d ago
No, this isn’t American culture. Your MIL is a bitch. What did your husband do when she said she didn’t make enough dinner to include you? What he should say is that he will pass on her dinner because his wife was excluded. And the two of you go out to eat on your own. If he let his mom get away with that kind of behavior, you have a husband problem.
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u/SherLovesCats 4d ago
It’s not an American thing. Your MIL is rude and your husband should say something and leave every time.
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u/Foreign-Fact-1262 4d ago
If your husband is allowing this bs behavior to continue he is the problem!!! He needs to tell her immediately that either she includes you as his wife and life partner or yall will be leaving together. Him staying and eating while his wife is blatantly disrespected by his family in his face is icky. He needs to stand up for you like yesterday!!!
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u/Alt_Desk 4d ago
I hope your husband said about dinner:
"Well, in that case, we'll leave and go out to eat together."
He needs to let her know how ridiculous and rude she is being.
She doesn't *get* to enjoy his company whilst making you feel unwelcome.
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u/ConnectionCommon3122 3d ago
Husband needs to speak up and say “oh that’s unfortunate as OP is a guest too. If there isn’t enough food for her I assume it’s a financial strain so we’ll go eat somewhere else. Do you want us to buy the food next time?” She’ll hate the implication.
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u/boundaries4546 4d ago
Ummmmm. If I went over to my parents and they made dinner for everyone but my husband, I would give them hell, and leave immediately.
You are under reacting and so is your husband. He should be totally ashamed of his parents behaviour, and he should be ashamed as a husband for not sticking up for you.
Honestly maybe tell him that you will no longer have any relationship with his parents because they clearly don’t like or respect you at all.
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u/gettingthegoss 4d ago
No offence but what a USELESS husband. The fact that he even sat there and ate after that shows you how little he respects you.
He is literally telling her it’s OK to treat you like sh$&!
Time to lay down and ultimatum.
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u/Late-Winner38 4d ago
The meal issues seems fairly easy to fix and its your DH's responsibility to do so. If she doesn't make a meal for you, he should either call her out and say, "you knew wife was coming, why wouldn't you make her a meal? Did you expect her to sit and watch everyone eat, that would be rude. We will be leaving now so she and I can go get a meal. The alternative is to have him give you the plate of food and he sits and doesn't eat which would definitely rile MIL. At no point should your DH ever be o.k. with you being treated this way and just let this go.
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u/winniethepoohville 3d ago
So we actually did this once with her little brownie cake that she made for him and I ate it ALL with some ice cream haha and she just watched in horror. She did try to make him another one but he told her he didn’t want any. The next time we went she specified she made him cookies with his favorite chocolate and there was only some for him (5 cookies, I think that’s more than enough to share with everyone). Super odd situation
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u/flannelsheetz 4d ago
I assure you, this is not American culture. Even if someone shows up unexpectedly, you throw together an extra side dish so there is enough for everyone and you make it work.
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u/winniethepoohville 3d ago
Yes this is how it is in my culture aswell!!!! And the thing is, my family WANTS TO and finds happiness in catering to others!
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u/SelectiveDebaucher 3d ago
Accurate and why I say my sister has 5-9 kids. The other 4 are kids who ended up at the table so often she just decided they were hers now. And then my kid calls her momma and calls me mom. Her kids call me aunt K or auntie. If I wanna visit I just start driving up to hers and maybe call her on the way. If they wanna visit me they just start driving down and even if I’m out they have keys.
That’s a fairly normal elder millennial southern family imo. Maybe the bonus kiddos aren’t super normal,but my sister and I were strays when we were kids, so we take the strays in.
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u/CrinklyPacket 4d ago
That’s not American culture, that’s AH culture. And a husband problem. The son needs to have a very serious conversation with his mother about respect and family. Yesterday.
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u/MayhemWins25 3d ago
The next time that happens with the food your DH needs to go “oh we didn’t know you didn’t have enough food to host right now. We’ll leave and you and FIL can split my portion.” OR he could go “thanks mom but I’m not really hungry right now, but OP is, you should give it to her.”
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u/Tryongirl 3d ago
Straight up ask her next time if she thinks your parents should treat him like she treats you.
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u/jennsb2 4d ago
That should be an immediate reaction from both of you to get up and leave. Every. Single. Time.
She obviously knows you’re coming if she pulls the bullshit with the baking … she knows to make enough for everyone, so start responding appropriately and teach her a lesson.
If you want to be super petty, show up with takeout for one, and bust it out when she pulls her tricks. “Oh no problem MIL, I prefer this anyways, tastes much better”.
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u/Affectionate-Page496 3d ago
We both got really sick the last time we ate your food. Better not take chances.
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u/winniethepoohville 3d ago
😂😂 the thing about this is, I RARELY get a chance to eat her food but if I ever do, I’ll let her know it gave me serious stomach issues and food poisoning
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u/VurukaSalt 4d ago
If she doesn’t have something for you, your husband should tell her you are leaving, and immediately go. She will learn that way.
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u/KCChiefsfan1985 4d ago
This is a husband problem. If she does not make enough dinner, it is on HIM to say, “Sorry, mom. OP and I will be leaving now. We need to go get dinner for the BOTH of us.” Instead he sits there eating while you look on, which is both insanely rude AND enabling her behavior.
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u/Admirable-Koala-1715 4d ago
Your MIL is acting like a competitive mean little girl. I’m so sorry. I’m so upset in your behalf! Agree your husband needs to correct her behavior.
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u/Spare_Tutor_8057 4d ago
It’s universally rude and in western culture particularly, it’s extremely rude not to feed your guests, especially family and close friends.
If my family had done that to my SO I would have left with him right there and then and demanded an apology. If his family did that to me I would never speak to them again.
Please tell me your partner didn’t eat in front of you?
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u/winniethepoohville 4d ago
She is from Texas but we don’t live there. I agree that my family would never act that way and if they did then we would have major problems. He did eat it but he asked me if I’d like to share, I said no it’s all yours😂🤮
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u/arglebargle_IV 4d ago
Your husband is way out of line here. No way should he have eaten it -- it's a huge slap in the face to you, and it shows that he's okay with his mother's treatment of you.
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u/Spare_Tutor_8057 4d ago
The petty in me says have her over at meal time and make a point to serve everyone but her. I bet she says something.
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u/alligatordeathrolll 4d ago
have your husband tell his mother she is being a poor host, on top of being horrible to his wife. she’s acting like she doesn’t know how to have company.
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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 4d ago
What did your husband do when she said she hadn’t made enough for you? If it was anything less than leaving immediately you don’t have a just no MIL. You have a just no SO.
Don’t get me wrong, she sounds awful as well but if this behavior is ongoing with no reaction from your husband aside from sharing dessert with you, then he’s a serious problem.
After her announcement about dinner your husband should have said “then I’ll take OP somewhere we can both eat” and left. No other discussion necessary. If he doesn’t start shutting this down you guys have a real serious problem.
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u/Meggie_Lola 4d ago
All these MIL problems are always much more husband problems. And folks-with-no-respect-for-themselves problems.
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u/No-Relationship-2637 4d ago
The fact that he eats these little mommy-made treats and meals and she thinks he’s on her side because he “shares” is so fucking sad. Stand up for yourself!
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u/Meggie_Lola 4d ago
It’s heartbreaking and infuriating all at once!
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u/No-Relationship-2637 3d ago
Infuriating for sure. I don’t usually curse and here I am all fucking fired up on her behalf haha It’s just not right, though. I would die before I let anymore treat my husband like that and go along with it and then gaslight him into thinking that behavior is normal. It’s fucking abusive.
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u/winniethepoohville 3d ago
The thing is, he treats me so well and doesn’t understand that his mom is obsessed with him. His mom is the one who makes me feel hated and uncomfortable, I never show it though because I don’t want her to know she is getting to me the way she wants to. I have talked to him about his mom and we started seeing her less, and he asked her why she doesn’t like me and she told him she “loves me”. When she makes food he always asks to share with me but I tell him no because it wasn’t made FOR ME. I don’t even like her unseasoned dry food anyways, but it would be the thought that counted. It’s so confusing because he isn’t mean to me at all and he doesn’t let anyone disrespect but his mom, and even then he sometimes doesn’t even see it as disrespectful.
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u/arglebargle_IV 3d ago
Have him read all of the replies to this post. If he still "doesn't even see it as disrepectful", then he is beyond hope, and he and his mother deserve each other. Neither of them deserve you.
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u/anonymous_for_this 4d ago
You are feeling unwelcome because that's how MIL wants you to feel. It couldn't be any clearer.
Think of it as MIL sending a message through her actions - which, as usual, speak louder than words. She is frantically signalling that you are not welcome, that you are not part of the family, and that you should not be there.
Your husband sharing food with you signals back that he cares for you, but he really shouldn't tolerate the insult to you. By staying, you are signalling back that you will put up with whatever nastiness she shows you.
So why do you stay when she pulls stunts like making food to exclude you? Why does your husband not see that his mother is refusing to welcome his wife into the family, and that this is an insult to him? Why is he not claiming his adult independence from his mother?
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u/Hwright145 4d ago
If I only had enough food for 3 people, I would feed both guests first. That is the only decent thing to do.
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u/DismalPrint5951 4d ago
This is definitely not American culture, my family always fed anyone that was over. If I know people are coming over, I make extra for everyone! If I don’t know someone’s coming over but they stop by anyways, I offer what we have cooked even if it’s not a lot. Your MIL is just being extra hateful to you and I’m sorry. It 100% should NOT be acceptable that she knew you were coming but only made enough food for everyone but you. I’d go into detail to husband about hurt this makes you feel, and tell him he really needs to put his foot down with her. How she acts is ridiculous and I’m sorry you’re going through that.
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u/HootblackDesiato 4d ago
Your MIL is not representative of American culture. In fact, many Americans cook way more than they can eat, so for her to cook just enough for 3 people is a deliberate insult on her part.
So, yes, based on your narrative she hates you and she is a major boy-mom.
Do not feel obligated to have this woman in your life. You are not obligated to subject yourself to her disrespect. Let your husband see her if he wants, but you do not have to.
Good luck!
Edit to add: She's going to hate you no matter what you do, so there's no point in you trying to have an adult relationship with her.
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u/Petty_Paw_Printz 4d ago
You're not overreacting at all. She's going out of her way to exclude you.
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u/TheEvilSatanist 3d ago
US Southerner here! Every single time ANY of my friends come over, I'm always ordering food or making it.
I take their tastes into account, I have food they like and will eat, and I ALWAYS send them home with lots of leftovers.
Today is Labor Day, I just had friends over today for a cookout. We had burgers, deviled eggs, meat, cheese, and fruit trays, chips, and pop.
When they left, they had a huge ass tray of food to take back with them to share with their friends and family.
When I do Friendsgiving, it's potluck style and everybody brings a dish.
American culture (especially southerners, which your MIL is supposed to be!) is everybody gets fed, and leftovers are shared amongst the guests and hosts.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, you and hubs are welcome at my house any time for a proper dinner invite where EVERYBODY gets fed!
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u/No-Interaction-8913 4d ago
Not cultural, just being rude and trying to prove something. I hope he doesn’t go and tells her she’s being rude! If not, he’s much a problem as she is
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u/PeachyWhisprz 4d ago
Wow, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds less like a cultural issue and more like a specific 'MIL boundary issue'. Her behavior is definitely not a norm in any culture. It's important to have an open conversation with your husband about this. And remember, you're not alone - many others face similar situations. Stay strong!
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u/Rain12Bow 4d ago
This isn’t a cultural thing. MIL is passive aggressively marking her territory over your DH.
Search Dr Ken Adams and watch his videos on enmeshment. They’re really eye opening and validating.
I’d ask DH to tell his Mom that unless she’s got enough food for all, he’s not going.
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u/Vibe_me_pos 3d ago
When she announces that she made food for only 3 people, excluding you, your husband needs to get up and tell her if that’s the case you and he will leave to have dinner elsewhere. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
She will learn that excluding you means less time with her son, and if she doesn’t, at least you won’t have to sit there watching everyone else eat.
Frankly, I’m astonished your husband puts up with this!
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u/Totallynaturalvibes 4d ago
Nope your MIL sounds like a narcissist bully. Doing things in your presence to demean you. I’d stop visiting her and get your husband to explain to her why.
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u/OniyaMCD 4d ago
American born and bred - this is effing weird. She knows both of you are coming over when you do decide to go, right? Like, your husband says 'Winniethepoohville and I will be over at 3' or something?
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u/winniethepoohville 3d ago
Yes he will say we are coming over about an hour before and when we are there she usually starts cooking after I have arrived.
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u/TeaseAndTellMe 4d ago
Wow, your MIL is seriously crossing boundaries! This is not typical American behavior, it's just plain rudeness. Anyone who comes to our house, even a mailman during a storm, gets offered a snack or a drink at least! Keep your spirits up, remember you're not alone in this, and maybe next time bring your own brownies just to show her how it's done!
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u/winniethepoohville 3d ago
I didn’t think it was an American thing but you never know so I wanted to ask and I was just hoping it was so I could feel less saddened. I brought a dessert from my culture once because it is my favorite, and everyone ate it BUT her and then she made brownies which nobody ate haha
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u/Mamasperspective_25 4d ago
She's being really rude. I would start to cut back on how often you are going and just tell husband that she constantly just makes you feel unwelcome and excluded. If you decide to have kids, I bet she changes so she can have access to YOUR baby. Distance yourself now and tell your husband how it makes you feel, tell him sometimes it looks like she wants to be his wife instead of you ... he needs to be the one addressing this with her.
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u/winniethepoohville 3d ago
Him and I have a dog together and she refers to the dog as “‘Insert my husbands names ‘s’ dog” instead of saying it is OUR DOG haha so I can’t imagine what will happen if I ever have babies.
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u/KTredhot 3d ago
I agree that she is being rude and that DH should step in , but I’m also curious about FILs reaction…does the whole family see nothing wrong with you sitting at the dinner table, no plate, watching the rest of them eat? I just find it completely bizarre that this behavior is okay with any of them. Is there no “Voice of Reason” in this family unit? Thats a really bad sign. Be careful, OP. Something is really wrong with this entire family, and I only see things getting worse.
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3d ago
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u/KTredhot 3d ago
This is really worrisome to me personally. The MIL in my family is my mother. And my grandmother. In both situations, though, they were always on their best behavior in front of my father/grandfather. Get them alone and they would act horribly. Introduce FIL into the equation and they acted normal, which of course means that they were aware that their bully tactics were unacceptable, and only deployed those tactics when “safe” to do so.
In your situation, I am worried that DH will never see how horrible his mother is because he has grown up seeing his father sit aside and do absolutely nothing, which is basically him being taught that her actions are all OK.
I’m not sure that you can ever make this dynamic work for you. It’s 3 vs 1…. It kind of doesn’t matter that she is completely in the wrong here, you will still lose.
We are talking about horrific behavior over a small stakes situation. A meal. A dessert. What happens when the stakes get higher…like a big move, purchasing a house, and of course welcoming a baby? I worry that she will bulldoze in on anything meant t be a husband/wife experience and you will end up with no say.
Sending hugs and strength !
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u/hustlingskills 4d ago
I feel...seen...thank you so much for sharing
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u/winniethepoohville 4d ago
Does this happen to you at all? Or anything similar? I am glad I could make you feel less alone❤️
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u/DuddlePuck_97 3d ago
I'd say we have the same MIL but I'm in Australia!
I just noped out of that situation. His mum, his problem. I also don't mind having alone time when he visits her so it's not an issue.
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u/RingAroundtheTolley 3d ago
I’d say, oh, ok. We will go out to dinner then. See you next time! And next time she only makes one cupcake say wow, I always tell people how stingy you are when we come over. No wonder he needed to find a wife. 🤣
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u/winniethepoohville 4d ago
I guess I am just wondering if this is an American thing and I should not take it as rude or if this isn’t that and she is actually just purposefully trying to be mean
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u/Strict_Bar_4915 4d ago
It's not an American thing, it's a Rude Bitch thing. Next time, your husband needs to say "If there isn't enough for Wife, then we're going to leave and get our own dinner." I honestly can't believe a husband would allow this to happen it's so insulting.
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u/Rain12Bow 4d ago
Right! Imagine if MIL visited you OP, and you served food for everyone except her. Would DH think that’s rude?
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u/winniethepoohville 4d ago
I didn’t think it was cultural but wasn’t quite sure,! Because although I haven’t been here for too long, when I have gone to friend’s homes they always have snacks or dinner and I usually bring something for everyone to share as well! But she never does and I am around him and her more then anyone else so that’s what my perceptions been. I agree it feels super insulting to me!!!
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