r/JUSTNOMIL • u/UnhappyAd4516 • 4d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice Ugh, I can’t stand her
My MIL is the quintessential boy mom. She has no life or hobbies outside of her two boys. My DH is older and is very clearly the favorite. It’s kind of odd because he’s had his fair share of issues (he’s a recovering alcoholic), but in her and my FIL’s minds he can do no wrong. They ditched my BIL on this 21st birthday to go see my DH in rehab. They have never held him accountable for anything in his whole life. Even as far back as elementary school, when he had behavioral issues they would blame his teachers for picking on him. All of them. For no reason. I sometimes wonder if that’s why it took him so long to clean up his act. He did some really crappy things to me during his addiction and they never said a word about it to him. I guess I just feel like good parents don’t just ignore when their kids are doing wrong? I could be off base on that…
My issues started at the beginning of our relationship (we were living together) he got sick and she insisted her go to the hospital an hour away from us where she’s a social worker. I think she wanted to be able to access his chart. Our region has some of the best hospitals in the world. Her hospital was not part of that network and he ended up staying for a week because they didn’t have the resources in house to test and diagnose him. It was miserable. This was also during Covid and so it was one support person in the ER and she was already in there because she works there. He’s not close with her. She’s a source of stress and anxiety for him because all she does is cry. I’ve begun to think it’s a manipulation tactic. So she’s not the person he wanted with him as a support person. She doesn’t care. She also knows that this hospital is subpar-she wouldn’t get her hernia repair done there because she doesn’t trust them but she’ll insist he goes there so she can be in charge. This led to me having to force him to be honest with the doctors because he didn’t want to share certain things with them since they would end up in his chart and she would be able to see it. So she basically cared more about control than his health.
Her and my FIL make not actual effort to know him. They’re very surface level. They don’t ask him how he feels about things or how his sobriety is going but they feel like they always need to know what’s going on.
They’re never been outright mean to me, but I know I’m not who they would have chosen for their son. His mom literally sobbed when we got engaged and to this day I don’t think it was tears of joy. They ignored any mention I made of weddings plans so we decided to elope because they seemed so disinterested. She was upset about that. They called us at 10:30 at night on our wedding night-we eloped but to them when we were doing it so it wasn’t like a traditional elopement.
His dad texts him basically every morning at 4:45 to tell him he loves him. DH will reply like once a week. Maybe that’s not weird, is it? I kinda think it is because DH doesn’t reply and FIL doesn’t text my BIL for like weeks, if not months at a time. My BIL is a great person and his wife is an angel, they’re both successful and independent. I sometimes wonder if my in laws are so attached to my husband he needed them longer.
We moved out of state for a couple years, had a baby in December and moved back. They are not super involved grandparents. My BIL and SIL have two kids who have never really been active with. My SIL had mastitis one time and got really sick and my BIL was out of town for work and she called my ILs for help and they didn’t. They live 10 minutes away. This the was only time in two years she had ever asked for help. Anyway, they like to act like grandparents of the year on Facebook but they don’t actually want to do anything with them. They just sit there in their living room and take pictures. My BIL and SIL didn’t get to buy their daughter her first bike for her birthday because my ILs bought her one without asking. They also announced my nephew’s birth on Facebook because BIL and SIL could (they hadn’t even announced their pregnancy yet).
They’re met our DD three times. Our one rule was don’t kiss her. The first time they met her at 2 months old they didn’t. The second time at 7 months old my FIL kissed her. I let it go because I figured he might have thought it was just a thing when she was really little and in RSV season so DH sent them a reminder text yesterday when we went over. This time my MIL kissed her and then said oops. DH thinks it was an accident, I don’t. Then she kissed her fingers and touched DD’s face with them when we were leaving. I’m really mad. I don’t think I’m asking for a whole lot. I’m trying not to overreact. Besides the normal reasons we don’t want people kissing her, I really don’t trust my ILs specifically. I think they’d kiss her when they’re sick. One time when my niece was like 8 months old my FIL was using chemo cream for a spot on his face and he rubbed his face all over hers. I just don’t trust them.
I know it’s kind of an SO problem but he really thinks it was an accident. He tries to avoid them really tries to avoid letting them hold her when we go there. It makes both our skin crawl when they do. We got in a big fight about it. Idk, I just need to vent because I’m so mad and I need to get it out.
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u/OniyaMCD 4d ago
If *he* doesn't want to go over, and *you* don't want to go over... why are you going over?
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4d ago
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u/JUSTNOMIL-ModTeam 4d ago
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u/eigenstien 4d ago
Please check out Alanon. It’s an organization for families and friends of alcoholics. It really helped me learning how to set boundaries with consequences. It will help him too. Meetings are everywhere, online and FREE. Alanon.org
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u/Strange-Report-9249 3d ago
This is easy. Stop going on there and don’t let them come to your place.
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u/Glinda-The-Witch 4d ago
I’m sorry that your in-laws are so difficult, I know it just makes life more of a struggle for everyone involved. I do have one bit of advice that you might consider. If mother-in-law is still working at the hospital, where your husband was treated back in the beginning of your relationship, report her for a HIPAA violation. If she looked at his chart without his permission, she violated the law and that is a major issue. If your husband is inclined to do so he could make the complaint. Computer records will show if she access his records without authorization. She will likely lose her job and perhaps her license as a social worker.
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u/MeanTemperature1267 3d ago
I don't understand how a fight happened if you're both creeped out by his parents holding your baby. He doesn't even want his folks cuddling her, so why on earth is he insisting that his mom simply forgot? That doesn't make any sense to me.
For the next visit, I'd send out a reminder text (in a group chat w/you, DH, and the ILs): Looking forward to seeing you on Sunday! FYI, we are still not allowing anyone to kiss LO, which includes kissing your hands and then touching her. Blowing kisses is perfectly fine (if it is okay with you and DH, of course). We've had a slip-up the past two visits, so if anything happens this time, we will be taking a break from visiting until you're willing to respect our prioritizing LO's health and safety."
If he thinks they're forgetting, then he can't object to a reminder.
But, if neither of you care for having them interact with LO, maybe it's time to explore that with a neutral party (therapy). Your husband seems to be in contradiction with himself re: his folks, and if you're fighting about them, something's gotta give.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 2d ago
Baby wearing can help enforce distance guidelines. If someone decided getting in close to kids me baby and I was wearing her that would be a serious invasion of massive proportions.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 2d ago
I'll admit I stole the idea from another smart woman on another board with a similar situation.
You wanna kids my kid when she's snuggled up to my boobicles (I think my sister and I made up that word lol)? Sick.
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u/No-Hedgehog2801 4d ago
They really do sound horrible, all of it does. I have a very similar situation at hand, only that my partner isn't the golden child, his brother is. His parents endlessly enable their favourite son who is chaotic and needs their assistance all the time despite being 40 and married. His mother is involved in every aspect of his life, knows about everything. I wouldn't give a shit -- the only problem is that my partner is frequently expected to support his brother as well, the latest scheme being that my MIL wants him to borrow his much older brother over 10 000$, although we've just had a baby and that's all the money he has himself.
Good thing your husband doesn't seem to enjoy his position. If they make your skin crawl etc. maybe you shouldn't see them at all anymore. Your BIL is being treated unfairly of course but it sounds like he has built a good life for himself without their support that actually seems to be a disadvantage in life.
What stood out to me tho is the way you talk about your husband's mistreatment of you during his active addiction. I get that it's weird that his parents never said anything and that you would have liked them to. But this is actually between you and your husband and I think that resenting them for it misplaces the anger. It might feel easier to be mad at them right now but you advocating for yourself within your marriage and your husband taking accountability is way more important in this case than what his parents did. F them, your relationship and family is what really matters! Him being sober is amazing!! But it doesn't negate what happened before and you guys need to work on that since it still seems to hurt you. You are allowed to feel angry, disappointed, hurt etc. even if he's doing good right now. Your feelings matter.
Congrats on the baby and I wish you all the best 💞
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u/VivianDiane 4d ago
They've shown you who they are your entire relationship. Believe them. Stop giving them chances to disappoint you.
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u/PeachyWhisprz 4d ago
Sounds like your MIL is the textbook definition of a helicopter parent, only she's helicoptering a grown man. It seems the best course of action is setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. It's not easy, but it’s essential for your husband's growth and your sanity. Hang in there!
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