Need to limit conversation with stepmother

[u/winnowingwinds]

I do not give my consent to have this read or reposted anywhere.

I (40sF) have a stepmother I will call Brenda. Brenda married my dad after my mom passed. She's actually quite pleasant and empathetic, until she... isn't. I'm not going to armchair diagnose her, except to say that I actually do think she means well, and tries fighting some of this behavior. That doesn't change the fact that she's done and said the things she's done and said.

A while ago, I was telling Brenda about a book I was writing. She then went to critique my ability to write, based less on my writing and more what she perceives to be true of me. I stopped writing it. Which I realize was my own choice, in letting her get to me. I shouldn't have. But the point is, she dampened my spirits for a while.

I was in a toxic work situation. While she sympathized, at one point she said, "sometimes I think you subconsciously make mistakes at work out of defiance." Um. What kind of thing is THAT to say?

Most recently, we were all hanging out. I started to tell a funny story, mentioning a restaurant we'd all been to as it was related. Brenda insists I'd never been. I tell her, yes, I have. She and my dad started arguing about whether or not I'd been, with her getting really upset. I think she thought I actually went with my mom when she was alive, and felt like I was comparing them or something. This actually can't be true, because if she'd actually let me finish what I was saying, she'd know it was definitely her.

The funny/sad thing is, I actually like her a lot - when this sort of thing doesn't happen. When Brenda listens, she really does listen. She's helped me learn a lot of things about myself. But then she does and says hurtful things. Or just completely overreacts to innocent comments and questions.

I've already decided to try liming personal stories. But that also makes it hard for me to stay on my guard with getting personal, not to mention I obviously want to talk to my dad about things, and she's almost always there. (They're one of those couples who won't do much apart.)

I'm really not really sure how to handle her overreacting to what was meant to be a funny anecdote. Do I just not tell funny stories with her around? That seems like a bummer, but maybe it's necessary. Or maybe I just need to accept she might fly off the handle at any moment.

Before anyone asks, I'm an only child, so I don't have any siblings to navigate this with. I would love to know what my stepsiblings would have to say, but obviously I can't ask them. She's their mom. They have to defend her. Anyway, if she found out I was badmouthing her, that would make things even worse. (I'm nervous just posting this here.)

Anyone have any advice? Similar experiences?

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[u/Mamasperspective_25]

I would call it out on the spot so SHE actually watches what she says to you. For example, "Brenda, why would you be so cruel about my writing? You know all that will do is negatively impact my self esteem right? I don't know why you would say something like that?" And, "Brenda, why would you make negative comments about my work performance when you have no experience of me in the workplace? I confide in you as someone I trust so it breaks trust in you when you try to tear me down with such comments" or just generally, "Brenda, that comes across as really passive aggressive and it feels like you're trying to be hurtful. What is your motivation for saying such a thing?" .... keep calling it out and she will start trying to backtrack on what she has said. She will soon get into the habit of keeping her mouth shut when a negative comment springs to mind

[u/Floating-Cynic]

Try questions and have some firm statements to tell her to stop. 

"Are you okay? That's an odd thing to say." "What's going on in your head right now?"  "What are you trying to achieve with that statement?"  "Why are you determined to argue about this?"

Ad then the statements: "I'm not arguing about this with you."  "I need to feel respected in our interactions, and that was beneath me." "I wouldn't accept this from any other adult, and I don't appreciate it coming from you." 

On balance,  if you're in your forties and she's saying stuff like that, I wonder if maybe a neurological evaluation is in order. My dad was diagnosed with early onset dementia at 58. 

[u/winnowingwinds → u/Floating-Cynic]

I think she's always been like this for reasons, but I do think for whatever reason, she sometimes has trouble with knowing what to say, or setting boundaries

Thanks for your suggestions.

[u/Skoodledoo]

Don't stop being you, stop her stopping her from being you. Put her in her place there and then. "Brenda, I have clear memories of it happening, if you can't remember this situation that is on you".

"Brenda, I don't know what your goal is trying to rewrite history but I will not let it happen."

"Brenda, you're making shit up again. This needs to stop."

"Brenda I told you already, stop making shit up, it only makes people see you weirdly"

"Brenda, I've repeatedly told you to stop making up shit. I don't know what is going on in your head but just because you make things up in your head doesn't make it real for the rest of us".

[u/winnowingwinds → u/Skoodledoo]

I did try saying "Brenda, I very clearly remember you were there". It didn't work. She wasn't really hearing anything anyone was saying.

I don't think the other things you suggested would go over well, but maybe "let's agree to disagree and move on". "We don't need to keep talking about this." I actually did say the latter recently, during another overreaction, and it worked.

Because you're absolutely right - I'm trying to think of ways to be less "me" to accommodate her, which isn't healthy.

[u/mercymercybothhands → u/winnowingwinds]

I wonder if you repurposed some of these comments a bit, making them like a question, if that would help draw attention to the fact that this is a pattern for her.

“Brenda, do you realize that when I tell you these things I’m trying to share something positive with you, and your response focuses on the negative. What is happening here?”

“Brenda, I’m not sure if you realize this but you seem to doubt my memory of things often. Is there something making you think I’ve got this wrong before you’ve even heard the whole thing?”

[u/winnowingwinds → u/mercymercybothhands]

Thanks. I'll think about those for next time!

[u/lalalinoleum → u/winnowingwinds]

Brenda, we were there together and I thought we had a lovely time. I'm so sad you forgot me, then run out of the room.

Turn the tables

[u/boundaries4546]

“Brenda, stop just stop. Why do you trying to embarrass me every time I tell a story.” She if she back peddles just leave the restaurant, their house or wherever you are. End the interaction.

[u/BoozeAndHotpants]

As a first move, I’m a believer in naming the behavior and asking directly and respectfully for what you need. I then wait and watch for their change in behavior. The response I receive back determines my following course of action — if they genuinely try and act respectfully around it I give them much more grace than if they blatantly ignore my clearly and politely worded request.

“Brenda, are you TRYING to make me feel bad?”

“Brenda, I’d appreciate it if you would not be so negative.”

“Way to bring me down Brenda! Thanks for the hit to my self esteem!”

“Brenda, you may not realize it, but when you are critical like this it makes me feel a lot less inclined to share and spoken negativity makes me less inclined to spend time with you. I’d appreciate it if you would try to stay supportive and positive, for the long term health of our relationship. Thanks in advance.”

“Did you mean for that to be offensive? You’re not usually like that….”

“Brenda, do you realize how demoralizing that is? I don’t need that in my life.”

“Brenda, I would appreciate it if you would try and be more supportive of me and my efforts, rather than trying to point out negatives.”

“This negativity is not welcome or appropriate right now. I need support, not criticism.”

“Just so you know, Brenda, this is venting. I do not want advice or feedback, I want emotional support and sympathy. I’d appreciate it if you’d keep the critical remarks to yourself.”

Or, alternatively, express your boundary by saying nothing. Just give her a hard stare, get up and walk away. End the conversation every damn time. Don’t participate in her negativity. Just nope right the eff out.

[u/den-of-corruption]

i think i'd start by sorting between ways to avoid conversations from happening vs ways to disrupt these weird detours in logic. avoiding subjects where she's very likely to be awful will work most of the time but the issue is the unexpected twists, i guess.

i think simply asking your dad to hang out alone would be the simplest route to being able to talk freely with him. 'dad i want some one on one time! ice cream hangout sesh?' - then carefully avoid any questions about why Brenda can't be there.

you're correctly identifying that she's often experiencing distress when her narrative is challenged. i think that's why she doubles down, she thinks she's defending herself. my grandmother does the same, what works for me is just grabbing the wheel and entirely changing the discussion. it does mean just swallowing the insult or incorrect story, but it stops the spiral. 'oh sure, but where else can we get pasta like that place?'

one of the better ways to disrupt distress is to activate memory instead. if you can ask her about something she remembers, it may take up space in her brain and calm her down.

the other option is to simply describe the behaviour instead of an argument about reality. 'brenda, why would i lie about remembering a restaurant?' 'brenda, if i was being defiant wouldn't i do things wrong on purpose?' 'brenda, why would you say that?'

remember, a person who goes on the attack when you politely push back is insisting on a position of dominance. that's not a healthy relationship.

[u/Maris_Sea]

Man, that's rough. First off, props to you for acknowledging her good qualities and understanding her struggle despite the hurt you've faced. Brenda's behavior screams insecurity - the urge to correct, to belittle, or just lash out at the drop of a hat? Classic signs, IMHO. Maybe try confronting her directly and calmly when she does this. Something like "Brenda, why would you say that?" could help her realize her own actions before things spiral outta control. At the end of the day, you've gotta look out for yourself too, dude. Don’t let anyone dampen your creativity or self-confidence, not even family. Keep your head up and remember, you don't necessarily need to put up with toxic behavior just 'cause it's coming from a family member. You do you, mate. Sending you lots of Reddit strength!

[u/atchisonmetal → u/Maris_Sea]

Also, don’t let those non-professionals read your work.

[u/No_Dot6963]

I’ve found that when someone is arguing over something little and not able to concede the point, I just agree with them. “Ok, you’re right. I must have dreamed it.” Takes the wind out of their sails. Usually, they back down, because they realize they could be wrong, and it’s a silly thing to be arguing about. It does seem like you need to filter what you tell her because she seems to be putting her own lens and assumptions on the situation which is causing you some distress.

[u/RandoCollision → u/No_Dot6963]

"You never ate at that restaurant."
"Okay, Brenda. Anyway... So, remember when I wasn't there with you and Dad and you did that funny thing with the straw?"
"But you weren't there when it happened!"
"You're right! It was sooo funny!"

Personally, I'm a bit more straightforward. I would have told her I can't account for her poor memory and that it's rude to interrupt people when they're talking. I also would have asked her what she ever read that I wrote and if I ever suggested that she's so unprofessional that she screws work up on purpose.

I'll never figure out why people on this sub care about hurting the feelings of people who crap all over theirs.