r/JUSTNOMIL • u/DoodlePops22 • 2d ago

Advice Wanted Children's Book Recommendations for Narcissistic Grandparents

And when I say "narcissistic", I don't mean it as a medical diagnosis. I mean it in the sense of extreme entitlement, delusions of being worthy of special treatment for no reason, lack of regard for the feelings and rights of others, lack of remorse, and hostility whenever confronted.

We are low-contact with JNMIL. LO is 3 years old. We already got a book about body boundaries, but I want books on all facets of narc behavior. I'm only learning myself in therapy and adult books. I was basically raised to be a low self-esteem people pleaser, which JNMIL exploited.

63 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

24 comments sorted by

•

u/botinlaw 2d ago

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls

Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki

Other posts from /u/DoodlePops22:

This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts, click here

To be notified as soon as DoodlePops22 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

44

u/AppropriateRide3493 2d ago

Maybe just watch Encanto for now, honestly.

32

u/vastros 2d ago

Also Tangled.

43

u/MsMaeLei 2d ago

My MIL watched it with us and told my daughter she felt like she was Mirabel...the quirky one misunderstood and unappreciated by her family.

In reality, she is 100% the super judge-y, obsessed with how things 'look', and pushing her family to conform to her ideas of who we 'should' be.

My daughter, 13 at the time, pulled me aside later and whispered to me "Why does Grandma think she is Mirabel? She bosses everyone around and gets mad when things aren't the way she likes."

16

u/Rain12Bow 2d ago

You’ve done a great job raising a teen who can identify this!

9

u/MsMaeLei 2d ago

Yeah kiddo is now 16 and my younger one is 13, they are BOTH very good at identifying other people's nonsense behavior...and getting an adult so we can deal with it.

My inlaws are all from the American South and they have VERY strong ideas about what they see as disrespectful behavior from kids... Usually it's when my kids state and enforce boundaries or point out nonsense bs behavior.

7

u/Rain12Bow 2d ago

Self-advocacy is the future!

9

u/NewBet7377 2d ago

Just shows how deeply engrained their personality disorders are. They quite literally can’t self reflect or look at themselves from others perspective. They will always believe they are the victim.

18

u/berried_aprons 2d ago

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" Perhaps when LO is over 5yrs, the good ol’ Snow White could be helpful in shinning light on inadequate people in our lives. Evil Queen’s character exhibits many narcissistic traits - she’s obsessed with appearance and being superior to all, she’s envious and threatened by the very person she’s supposed love, protect and care for; she shows no empathy and the only way she seems to operate is by being deceitful and manipulative.

11

u/WriterMomAngela 2d ago

Are you looking for books for your LO to help them understand their grandparents? I want to make sure I understand the request.

6

u/DoodlePops22 2d ago

I want her to understand how to respond in a healthy way to difficult people, and that it's not normal behavior, and put it together on her own when JNMIL acts this way.  

10

u/OniyaMCD 2d ago

She's a little young for it yet, but Roald Dahl's books are pretty good for spotlighting toxic behavior. The man took no prisoners. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (go with the book first - movies are probably too scary), James and the Giant Peach, and Matilda come to mind.

7

u/WriterMomAngela 1d ago

I’d focus on books to empower LO and build her confidence rather than books about identifying narc behavior. Things like teaching her it’s not okay for someone to comment on her body, or what she’s eating. That she’s not responsible for managing someone else’s mood, feelings, or emotions. How to identify, label, and regulate her own emotions. Basically teach her healthy coping skills herself so that when someone else displays other types of coping skills she is able to realize they are the ones behaving abnormally. That’s just my thinking obviously. It’s impossible to predict how your possibly narc mother will direct her behavior towards LO so I’d just try to focus on giving LO all of the tools for her toolbox you can to be able to deal with whatever grandma might bring to the party.

14

u/winterbird93 2d ago

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents —- it’s not specific to grandparents but it’s good

17

u/sparklekitteh 2d ago

OP wants books to read with their 3yo.

11

u/Anastasiya826 1d ago

I have to admit I chuckled a bit thinking about them snuggled in a chair, jammies on, while OP reads this aloud 😆

7

u/DoodlePops22 1d ago

I'll give her that book some year on Grandparents Day. 

20

u/CrystalFeeler 2d ago

Your child is not a conduit for the issues between you and the grandparents. Just don't expose the kid to anything about narcissism or it's effects. The kid is neither the cause or solution to this issue and should be protected form adult things they can do nothing about.

6

u/nonutsplz430 1d ago

What OP is wanting to do, I think, is to raise her child to recognize that kind of behavior from anyone, not just her in-laws. As the child of a mother who was enmeshed with and caught “fleas” from her own very damaged and manipulative mother, I wish someone had looked out for me in the same way. Pretending bad things don’t exist is an incredibly unhealthy way to raise a child.

5

u/neverenoughpurple 1d ago

Yeah, no.
Those who become adults and have never learned about narcissists are those crappy partners that end up pressuring people to stay in contact with their horrid parents.

4

u/Mamasperspective_25 2d ago

Penny McGee's Family Tree by Khara Croswaite Brindle

•

u/Pretend_Wealth_9818 15h ago

The Creepy Crayon. Definitely for when they are older. I don't even know if the author knew they were writing a narc handbook, but we have been able to have some good talks with our kiddo during its reading.