r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Fantastic-Dish9517 • 1d ago
TLC Needed MIL hijacked my first Father’s Day
Today was my first Father’s Day.
First off, we weren’t supposed to see my MIL or FIL today. The plan was for my wife, baby, and I to do our own thing, and for MIL and FIL to have their own plans. But somehow, as usual, they managed to twist things so it worked out their way.
Apparently their original plans “fell through”. Then, right on cue, they casually floated the idea of “catching up in the afternoon.” My wife tentatively agreed, which left us with no real time to do anything for ourselves. And before we’d even properly agreed to a time or place, they were already on their way to a venue near us. When we suggested changing the venue to somewhere more suitable, we got there only to find — surprise! — they were already there, waiting. Incredible.
And from there, it only went downhill. The very first thing MIL says is that she should have gone to the markets with her daughter this morning — like it would’ve been fine for me to be by myself on my first Father’s Day. Great start. When I asked, “What would I have done?” she literally shrugged, threw her hands up, and gave me this I don’t care look.
Then she brings up her favourite topic - that my parents divorced when I was 10. I’m 35 now, but she just can’t wrap her head around it. She asks, in this loaded way, if I’d seen my dad today. (I actually saw him two days ago because I wanted Father’s Day to just be about me, my wife, and my son.) Then she pushes, “Have you seen your stepdad?” When I said no, she guilt-tripped: “Ohhh why not?”
And then the kicker: “Well, he’s been more of a father than your own dad has been.” Which is total crap. My dad is a great dad, I grew up 50/50 with him. But because she’s never dealt with divorce, she acts like she’s morally superior.
She also loves to bring up how my mum and stepdad lived overseas for a couple of years. Every single time, she goes through this whole confused act: “Wait, was that your stepdad or your dad?” Then she tries to dig into how much time I spent with my dad: “So what, you just saw him every other weekend?” Like she wants to corner me into admitting I barely saw him so she can declare, “See? Your stepdad was more of a father.”
She gets my dad’s and stepdad’s names mixed up constantly, but it feels performative — like she just can’t possibly comprehend my family situation because, in her mind, divorce equals damaged. She clearly loves that narrative.
So yeah. My first Father’s Day wasn’t about me being a dad. It was about MIL manipulating the day to suit herself, then tearing down my family so hers could seem superior.
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u/panther2015 1d ago
Your wife owes you a major apology and do over. She let you down in many ways today.
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u/HelpfulCupid 1d ago
Why did your wife: 1) agree to meeting with them instead of saying “no, we have other plans”? 2) not shut her mom down when she was treating you like that??
major wife problem
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u/Melody4 1d ago
Maybe you can tell your wife she owes you a do-over. Because, quite frankly, she does. Figure out something you want to do next weekend and let her know that you want it JUST THE THREE OF YOU and she is NOT to let MIL crash the plans again. In fact, you don't want to hear about the in-laws at all for the day.
In the meantime, tell DW she needs to tell MIL to lay off the whole divorce thing. I'm sure MIL has some skeletons in her closet (not that being from a divorced family is a skeleton - its actually relatively common. And who knows, MIL's marriage might be even more disfunctional!). If DW won't stop her, you will bringing up MIL's baggage - even if its just her OBSESSION with your childhood.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 1d ago
Your wife should have nipped this in the bud - "No Mom, no Dad, we'll not be seeing you this Father's day as it's OP's first Father's day and I want to make it special for him"
But she didn't.
I wouldn't be putting 100% of the blame at the in-laws feet. I'd say at least 70% is down to your wife not standing up to them or for you. The 30% is on them for repeatedly pushing the issue with their daughter and screwing up your first Father's Day.
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u/Jo625 1d ago edited 1d ago
Your wife messed up. You really should be talking to her about how she let you down on your first Father's Day.
Then you need to realise that you are in charge of your own happiness, and should have shut down meeting up with your in-law's when your wife first told you about it. Just flat out got your wife (or you if she didn't have the guts) to message them back with "I know I said yes, but I realise it doesn't work for us as we are busy".
Also, be blunt with your MIL. Make her as uncomfortable as her questions are for you. "No, I didn't see my Dad today, as he didn't want to be rude and intrude on my special day with my wife and kid". Then stare her down!
Today was just a lesson for you in learning to stand up for yourself. Give yourself a present in thinking up wonderful activities you'll do with your family next year, and organise them with your wife so that they happen!
Also - when she mixes up your father and step dad's name again make her pay. Pause, then say in a quiet voice "MIL I notice you mix up my Dad and Step-Dad's name a lot. I am worried you're getting... dementia." If she does it again after that make a whole whispering scene with your wife about it "she's done it again. I am so worried. I think she needs to get assessed". Every time.
Your wife needs counselling for allowing her mom to treat you this way. And it sounds like you guys might need it too for communication. Hell we all need it with this being a JustNoMIL group.
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u/foilrat 1d ago
You need to have a conversation with your wife.
Making plans without checking with your partner is not cool.
Even more so on Father's Day. Even more so on your first freakin Father's Day!
Start grey-rocking that woman.
"Have you seen your father?" -
"That's none of your concern."
"My family is none of your business."
"Did you mow your yard today?"
...just stare at her until she's uncomfortable.
Ask you wife to please tell her mom to back off. In front of her. Make everyone uncomfortable.
Good luck and sorry your first got trashed.
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u/Jenk1972 1d ago
You have a wife problem. She immediately should have said NO. Today is Father's Day and it's about OUR family unit. Maybe next weekend.
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u/Fun_Influence_3397 1d ago
Your MIL is manipulative but your wife being a pushover is the problem here. She needs to handle her parents.
Does she understand that by agreeing to MIL's demands your 1st fathers day was ruined?
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u/SpandexSuspenders 1d ago
It would be a good idea to talk to your wife, explain how you feel and ask that you have a do over - a day where it’s just you 3. It won’t fix it entirely, but at least you can have something. Also talk about next year’s Father’s Day, make a plan for how you will manage this same situation in future - it’s likely to happen again. No doubt they will try it on Mother’s Day too! If you talk to your wife and she refuses to acknowledge your feelings or help plan for future special days, it’s a larger issue. Because it’s your first Father’s Day it could have just been that she wasn’t expecting this to happen. If she is open to discussing it, this can end up being a learning experience for you both.
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u/Disastrous-Panda5530 1d ago
Your wife needs to get on board with saying no. You have a wife problem. You also need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself. You could have told MIL sorry but you’re going to have to see them some other time since you want your Father’s Day to be just the three of you. And put your foot down on it. You got steam rolled by your wife and MIL.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1d ago
Your wife is the problem here. She needs to learn the word no. Let her know that since she had fathers day with her father this year that you will choose what happens next year.
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u/Lanfeare 1d ago
It feels strange to write it as it is such a rare occurrence, but your wife is a problem. Not your MIL. Your MIL sure, is obnoxious, lacking manners and plays some passive aggressive games but she is an extended family that should be managed by your wife.
Your wife didn’t really pay attention to how you want to celebrate your first Father’s Day, she didn’t discuss with you anything before agreeing to your MIL’s plan, she didn’t push back when her parents hijacked the afternoon. She should not bend to their “we are already here” games. She needs therapy.
You may need some therapy too. You need to stand up for yourself and articulate issues and expectations with your wife. If she wanted to see her father on the Father’s Day, she should have make clear plans with you beforehand. She’s either clueless and enmeshed with her parents, dominated by her mom and still behaving like a teenager in this relationship - or she is just a bad partner who does not really care about your needs and puts her family of origin above all.
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u/Imahuggergetoverit 1d ago
You have a crappy wife problem
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u/madgeystardust 1d ago
This.
She should have returned the call at the end of the day.
Does she at least see her mother for who she is…?
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u/Important_Chef_4717 1d ago
Where is your wife in all this? Why is she tentatively agreeing to anything with her parents?
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u/Professional_Sky4216 1d ago
Next time she starts that crap, ask her if maybe she should see a doctor…that you’re concerned she may have dementia because she asks the same intrusive questions every single time you see her…looks like it’s time for a check up Grandma😳watch how fast she clutches her pearls😂😂😂
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u/Aellysu_says 1d ago
This! Really put on the concerned caring son in law act. She either gets embarrassed and shut up, or gets defensive insisting her mind is fine. At which point you demand an explanation on why she constantly brings it up if not because shes forgotten
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u/dailysunshineKO 1d ago
This is a wife problem. She can visit her dad in the morning or the day before- but that should not have happened.
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u/Jethrothemutant 1d ago
Quite frankly she sounds evil!
My MIL was like this. I took to saying 'Don't you remember? I told you this last time!'
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u/TurbulentStillness 1d ago
I’d tack on the end, ‘has your doctor suggested being tested for dementia?’
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u/wiscosherm 1d ago
Your MIL is not the problem. Your wife is. Doing to you is blatant and your wife has to be aware of it. If she is not willing to stand up for you it means that she agrees with her mother. I would just ignore your MIL, but instead have a serious talk with your wife about how it makes you feel when you are treated this way. I think you also need to bring up that the family you and your wife have created he needs to be the priority, not what your wife's parents want. This isn't going to get any better until your wife decides that her loyalty belongs with you.
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u/SerentityM3ow 1d ago edited 1d ago
Your wife needs better boundaries with her parents. Why did she agree? Does she always enable them like this ? You need to have a serious talk with her about enforcing boundaries and how you can support that. Have a plan for when your in-laws impose themselves and follow through everytime you don't want to see them
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u/morganalefaye125 1d ago
When your wife agreed to meet with them, did you not have a discussion about how you wanted this to be YOUR day? Why wasn't she sticking up for you and saying, "no, it's his first father's day, so we'll catch up with you tomorrow"? Did your wife know how you felt about it? Did she hear any of the things her mother was saying? And if so, why wasn't she telling her to knock it off? Usually in here it's the husband's parents, and everyone is saying "you have a husband problem". If your wife knew how you felt about it, and how her mother's words bothered you, and said nothing at all, then you have a wife problem
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u/Silent-Ad-5926 1d ago
Sorry this happened to you, of all days. But why didn’t you just say no? More importantly, why didn’t your wife shoot it down? She knows you saw your dad early, so that your day would be yours and yours alone? But wife thinks her mother is more important? You have a series wife problem. You need to take care of that first with honest calm communication, then tackle JNMIL problems together as a team.
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u/Mummyjo 1d ago
The relationship you have with your dad or step dad, is absolutely none of her business. Why are you letting her ask these questions and assume your relationship with your family. You need to shut her down immediately!
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u/madgeystardust 1d ago
This.
Put HER on the spot and ask her why she needs to know any of this.
She’s a bitch.
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u/cloudsurfer247 1d ago
I would have packed up the baby right then and said “MIL you are so right I’m going to go see my dad right now. This is what Father’s Day is all about after all”. Bye. Then wife can stay and they can bring her home. Or she can choose to go with you.
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u/alteregomelette 1d ago
Agreed. Your wife absolutely needs to step up and establish boundaries with the her parents. You and she need to be a united front, especially when raising a tiny human.
Happy Father's Day, OP. ❤️
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u/JUSTNOMIL-ModTeam 1d ago
Thank you for your submission! However, your comment has been removed. Rule 3 on our sidebar: Be kind, be respectful, be supportive. Remember the human, and try to put yourself in their shoes before commenting. Be sure to always respect the flare before you comment. In this case the post is flared TLC needed.
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u/tiffany1567 1d ago
You need to call your wife and your MIL out, both knew you had plans and did this anyways, and both let your MIL behave badly.
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u/Adept_Tension_7326 1d ago
Your wife needs to step up. This was your first Fathers Day. It was hijacked by - let’s not mince words - a bitch with proven Main Character Syndrome. What exactly does she hope to achieve with raking over your parents marital status?
Give it a couple of days and then explain to your wife how saddened you feel. That you trust next year she will respect your desire to enjoy Fathers Day with her and your child.
What happened with Mothers Day? Maybe in future she will sacrifice her Mother’s Day, and you retain Father’s Day?
Good luck, but nip this is the bud. Xxx
MIL and FIL do not get any say in the day.
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u/GlimmerLipsOn 1d ago
i get being polite but c’mon at some point u gotta stop letting MIL write the script. boundaries only work if both spouses enforce em
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u/VivianDiane 1d ago
Your MIL is a piece of work. You need to have a serious talk with your wife about setting and enforcing boundaries. This was your day, not hers.
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u/cressidacole 1d ago
I'm going to say something to you that you and your wife should be saying to them: No.
I don't want to hear about how they inserted themselves into a day that you wanted to celebrate just together with your child because your wife said maybe when you both meant "fuck no, not today, almost definitely not tomorrow, don't call us, we'll call you."
"Oh they're so rude and condescending and inappropriate and overbearing."
Yeah, 'cause she said maybe, and meant no.
You know what they say? "If she says maybe, it's on. If she says no, tell her twice!"
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u/bists 1d ago
Your wife really isn’t much of a partner
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u/Fast_Register_9480 1d ago
Not to OP at any rate. She seems to be a good partner to her mother though
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u/pureimaginatrix 1d ago
Seriously, this is a wife issue. She should be handling and/or setting strict boundaries with her parents, just like you should be doing with your family (though it sounds like it's not needed).
If your wife doesn't grow a backbone and enforce strict boundaries with her parents, you're going to end up divorcing. Maybe try marriage counseling? Because her not defending you and not shutting her parents down when they're bullying you is not how a marriage lasts.
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u/Florida_Flower8421 1d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you. If a husband had done this with Mother’s Day, everyone would say it is a husband issue. And you had already discussed this with your DW. You already had plans.
I would talk with your wife and try and figure out a game plan moving forward. When it comes to her mother does she fawn when she feels threatened or stressed by her mother? Might be a great time to recommend therapy.
And it won’t be the same, but maybe you can plan another day together next Sunday?
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u/CapableOutside8226 1d ago
I am very sorry your first Father's Day went so poorly for you.
From your posts, it seems your MIL has a vise grip on her daughters throat.
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u/Zydrate_Enthusiast 1d ago
You have a wife problem. She should have shut that shit down from the get go.
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u/RustysGypsy 1d ago
You should show your wife this post, it might help her find a backbone where her mother (extended family) is concerned and start prioritising her immediate family, her husband and child!
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u/BiteMyHalo 1d ago
feels like she feeds off chaos and control if u dont set a hard boundary soon she’ll keep wrecking every milestone
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u/hotmesssorry 1d ago
How would your wife respond if you told her how disappointed you are that you didn’t get to celebrate your first Father’s Day, and got to spend it being criticised by her mother instead.
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u/DarkSkyStarDance 1d ago
Your MIL sounds like a PITA! I am wondering though- was it your idea or your wife’s idea to not see her own father on Father’s Day and she changed her mind?
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u/Forsaken-Tank-9467 1d ago
That sucks. Before my first Mother’s Day my sister in law started a trend where her and mil went to spa day. I wasn’t a mum so not included. My first Mother’s Day, I was looking forward to finally coming…. My sister in law and mother in law fly interstate for a beach holiday. So I was a bit disappointed too.
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u/MegaTalk 1d ago
Is the sister in law an in-law to your mother in law, or is it her actual daughter?
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u/PoutySnapQueen 1d ago
first fathers day shoulda been about u ur wife n ur kid period. anything else is just disrespect and ur wife shoulda shut that down harder tbh
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u/Entire-Sentence-9379 1d ago
What a strange woman. Divorce is hardly a new and difficult concept to wrap her boomer head around.
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 1d ago
Yeah, I was think that, too. Is she a time traveler or something since she thinks divorced parents are SO exotic and shocking? Please.
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u/Green-Froyo-7533 1d ago
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. Make sure next time it’s a special day you make plans to visit another city or a nice place that you’ll enjoy and switch your phone off for the day just to enjoy it.
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u/Legitimate-Meal-2290 1d ago
What is this sexist BS? We'd never say that to a wife posting here, it's always "you have a husband problem" and "his circus, his monkeys". But because OP is a man it's his responsibility? What about the fact that his wife threw him under the bus?
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u/JUSTNOMIL-ModTeam 1d ago
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u/shackndon2020 1d ago
Exactly!
Tell her, out loud, that you saw your father 2 days ago because you wanted to spend Father's Day with your wife and child. That if you had your way, you wouldn't be there with them. Don't keep it inside your head. Stop letting this woman walk all over you.
Better still, stop letting your wife make unilateral decisions about your special days. You should've told her last week, that this is your first father's day and you do not want to spend it with her parents.
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u/JUSTNOMIL-ModTeam 1d ago
Thank you for your submission! However, your comment has been removed. Rule 3 on our sidebar: Be kind, be respectful, be supportive. Remember the human, and try to put yourself in their shoes before commenting.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us via modmail. Thanks!
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u/Comfortable_Leek2231 1d ago
Isn't Father's Day in June? It's September.
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u/Ozcatbug 1d ago
1st Sunday in September is Father's day in Australia. Don't know if it's the same anywhere else in the world, but definitely was today down under.
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u/3OrcsInATrenchcoat 1d ago
Depends what country you live in. June is common but not all countries have it then. March is also common, while Australia and New Zealand have it today.
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u/DrFlamingoh 1d ago
Mother's day and Father's day are at different times for different countries. I believe Father's day is in September for Australia. I could be wrong.
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u/joyagainst 1d ago
In certain parts of the world it's in September. In my country (Australia) Father's Day id on the first Sunday of September.
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u/Affectionate-Page496 1d ago
If someone spells favorite as favourite, it is a big clue they may not be in the US. You can always Google something if you are confused!
"Mum" is another clue
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Other posts from /u/Fantastic-Dish9517:
MILs and Their Fake ‘Golden Touch, 2 weeks ago
MIL confirming my worst fears, 3 weeks ago
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