MIL hijacked my first Father’s Day

[u/Fantastic-Dish9517]

Today was my first Father’s Day.

First off, we weren’t supposed to see my MIL or FIL today. The plan was for my wife, baby, and I to do our own thing, and for MIL and FIL to have their own plans. But somehow, as usual, they managed to twist things so it worked out their way.

Apparently their original plans “fell through”. Then, right on cue, they casually floated the idea of “catching up in the afternoon.” My wife tentatively agreed, which left us with no real time to do anything for ourselves. And before we’d even properly agreed to a time or place, they were already on their way to a venue near us. When we suggested changing the venue to somewhere more suitable, we got there only to find — surprise! — they were already there, waiting. Incredible.

And from there, it only went downhill. The very first thing MIL says is that she should have gone to the markets with her daughter this morning — like it would’ve been fine for me to be by myself on my first Father’s Day. Great start. When I asked, “What would I have done?” she literally shrugged, threw her hands up, and gave me this I don’t care look.

Then she brings up her favourite topic - that my parents divorced when I was 10. I’m 35 now, but she just can’t wrap her head around it. She asks, in this loaded way, if I’d seen my dad today. (I actually saw him two days ago because I wanted Father’s Day to just be about me, my wife, and my son.) Then she pushes, “Have you seen your stepdad?” When I said no, she guilt-tripped: “Ohhh why not?”

And then the kicker: “Well, he’s been more of a father than your own dad has been.” Which is total crap. My dad is a great dad, I grew up 50/50 with him. But because she’s never dealt with divorce, she acts like she’s morally superior.

She also loves to bring up how my mum and stepdad lived overseas for a couple of years. Every single time, she goes through this whole confused act: “Wait, was that your stepdad or your dad?” Then she tries to dig into how much time I spent with my dad: “So what, you just saw him every other weekend?” Like she wants to corner me into admitting I barely saw him so she can declare, “See? Your stepdad was more of a father.”

She gets my dad’s and stepdad’s names mixed up constantly, but it feels performative — like she just can’t possibly comprehend my family situation because, in her mind, divorce equals damaged. She clearly loves that narrative.

So yeah. My first Father’s Day wasn’t about me being a dad. It was about MIL manipulating the day to suit herself, then tearing down my family so hers could seem superior.

[u/Lanfeare]

It feels strange to write it as it is such a rare occurrence, but your wife is a problem. Not your MIL. Your MIL sure, is obnoxious, lacking manners and plays some passive aggressive games but she is an extended family that should be managed by your wife.

Your wife didn’t really pay attention to how you want to celebrate your first Father’s Day, she didn’t discuss with you anything before agreeing to your MIL’s plan, she didn’t push back when her parents hijacked the afternoon. She should not bend to their “we are already here” games. She needs therapy.

You may need some therapy too. You need to stand up for yourself and articulate issues and expectations with your wife. If she wanted to see her father on the Father’s Day, she should have make clear plans with you beforehand. She’s either clueless and enmeshed with her parents, dominated by her mom and still behaving like a teenager in this relationship - or she is just a bad partner who does not really care about your needs and puts her family of origin above all.