Should we cut ties altogether?

[u/Primary-Creme5440]

Are all MIL's narcissists? I hope not. I hope there are some wifes out there that have an amazing REAL and loving relationship with their MILs.

My DH and I have been married since 2019. We were married young, and unbelievable behavior from MIL started even before that.

I am still so hurt by what she did on our wedding day and leading up to the day.

When my husband and I announced we were engaged, she immediately wanted to be very involved in all things wedding planning.. Which was fine, at first, though most of the planning I did with my mom and grandmother, and traditionally, the bride's side pays for most things!

She demanded that we'd have a special mother son dance just for her and my husband (not that out of the ordinary, but the way she asked for it was very demanding and overbearing...) When we'd meet up together she would ONLY talk to my husband about some of her ideas and would act as though I wasn't there with them. It was very uncomfortable and frustrating. When she brought up wanting to pay for a bar tender for our wedding, I thanked her, declined, explained very clearly that we will have a champagne bottle and 2 types of beer at the venue for people to enjoy, and that we didn't want to have a ton of drunk people at our venue and keep it low key. I also have people in our family who don't do well with alcohol and again ITS OUR WEDDING and we wanted to keep it some what calm and classy.

When it came time for my husband to try on his suite, she threw a fit that she wasn't invited (we had to do it on a day we were both off of work and she had to work, so we sent her pictures, and she still was pissed that we didn't wait. My husband explained there was a time crunch.)

Come wedding day:

I will summarize the series of events that unfolded:

MIL and her parents, and husband (who is an ex cop) brought copious amounts of HARD liquor and began drinking the alcohol as well as allowing her 4 underaged step kids and son to get extremely drunk. My husbands little brother (I believe 18 or 19 at the time, and his best man, was so drunk that he started vomiting in the bathroom, the other boys also getting drunk and puking on the way home. When it came time to leave the venue, she was hanging on my husband's arm for dear life drunkenly begging him not to leave, said you need to stay longer and party with us while I waited furiously to let his arm go so we could leave the venue together.

Husband and I left for our honeymoon shortly after, and when we returned, she came over to our house to "discuss things" and out of no where exploded and started blaming us for treating her horribly leading up to the wedding, at the wedding she said that we "placed her and her family "behind" my family on purpose, as if we intended to disrespect them (which was absolutely un true ) but she said someone came up to her (a known person to cause drama) and was like "why are you guys all seated back here and not closer to the head table?) It literally was 1 table away from ours we just needed to scoot them back a smidge because a beam was in the way of where their table was originally supposed to be. After explaining this and showing her the original set up for tables she didn't believe me still. I was so in shock and my husband at the time was petrified by her so I ended up apologizing to her and didn't even think to bring up the drinking thing at the time I was 21 and very much a people pleaser/peace-maker type of person. So after I apologized she treated us "nicer" for a while, we saw them on and off, absolutely no mention of the wedding ever again.

Fast forward to today: Any time my husband and I attend a wedding, I feel so heart broken and feel our day was hijacked by her and her selfishness. She wanted the wedding to be more about her and her "helping us" rather than celebrating our union. I am just so hurt by her. We recently had another falling out, and she said "we need to seem ok with each other so I can see my grandchildren." That also absolutely crushed me because I thought after these last 7 years or so we actually had a decent relationship that we both seemed to be working hard on. But as soon as I stood up to her she exploded on me again, played the victim, even though she had been undermining my parenting, acting like a 3rd parent along with my husband and I.

The whole 3rd parenting thing is so bizarre to me. She doesn't know her place and doesn't respect us so we told her and her husband we no longer want a close relationship with them (It was always tense and their "love" always felt conditional) so it's not like we're losing out on a lot....

But we also want them to have relationships with our children because we feel its not fair to keep our children away from a possible decent relationship with their grandparents...

My 3 questions: How in the world do I heal from all this hurt from her

And 2: How in the world do I stand up to someone who terrifies me with her narcissistic tendencies and fake-ness/play pretend that she actually likes me

And 3: How do we ensure that our kids have an ok relationship with them (MIL and her husband) while protecting ourselves and our kiddos from any kind of abuse? Is it even possible?

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[u/DesperateOne416]

1. How do I heal? Answer: distance 

2. How do I stand up to her? Answer: distance up to and including no contact

3. How do I ensure my kids have a relationship with her? You don’t. Your kids having a relationship with her is clearly not a good idea. Do you want them to be abused too?

[u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

Why do you want your kids to have a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly?

You’ve stated that you’re “terrified” of her. Is that something you want your kids to think is okay?

Go NC/VVLC and set firm boundaries with Consequences

[u/Late-Winner38]

If the person wasn't healthy enough for me to have a relationship, no way I would let them have a relationship with my children. You also already know she plied minors with alcohol. This is not a safe person.

[u/Icy-Sheepherder7718]

If she isn't healthy to be around YOU, she certainly isn't healthy to have around your children! Do you think it will be good to have her screaming at them all the time? What are you thinking?

[u/Mamasperspective_25]

What are you terrified of? You're a grown adult, she's a grown adult ... nothing more. She has ZERO power over you. I would get some therapy with your husband and find a therapist who specialises in setting and enforcing boundaries. You are NOT controlling her, you are simply controlling what you do if she fails to respect your little family's decisions. If she steps in and tries to act the third parent, simply say, "MIL please understand that DH and I are the parents to our children, nobody else. We will make all parenting decisions and raise them as we see fit. If we need your help, we will ask, otherwise please assume that we don't" If she kicks up drama, grab your things and say, "Come on kids we're going home"  Never leave your kids with her unsupervised, always ensure you are there and if she gets passive aggressive, nasty or anything else, pack up and leave. She will soon get the message. Personally I think she sounds awful and do you really want your kids growing up being influenced by someone like that?

[u/MartyrOlympics]

I strongly encourage getting therapy for you and your husband. It is really hard to deal with difficult behaviors and not let people who hurt us dictate our reactions. You need all the tools you can get to process your emotions and then formulate plans for dealing with her both individually and as a team. It will feel scary to stand up to her or not do as she wishes, but with practice and time it will come more naturally to you both.

Consider maintaining distance from your JNMIL as you would any other toxic person. By distance I mean physically (could involve not going to the same events as her, or moving so you're not living nearby) and privacy-wise, like putting her on an information diet.

Do not, for your kids' wellbeing and emotional safety, allow ILs access to your children until they have proven consistently over a long period of time that they are capable of healthy interactions with you and your husband first. Do not feel bad for denying them access. Think of how much more guilty you would feel when, not if, they cause emotional damage to your children. Emotional abuse is still abuse, and the consequences are lifelong. Your primary duty is to care for your children, not your ILs feelings. Think of this way: would you allow a day care worker to treat them that way? Of course not! But why would family get a pass then?

I got married in my early 20s and got steamrolled on the regular by my JNMIL. Decades later I still get irritated about her latest passive-aggressive tactics, but they don't upset and hurt me the way they used to. A small part of me still wishes she would just stop her antics even though logically I know she won't. And I will never not be the villain in her narrative. But that is okay, because we're still together and working things out and since we live far away and are financially and emotionally independent of them, she has no leverage on us.

So play the long game. Your goal is to have a healthy and happy family unit. Everything you and your husband do will be working towards that goal. Simplify your life by cutting out the notion that you can please them, especially since they're not on board with supporting your little family. It doesn't feel like it now, but you two are actually the ones in control since you're the parents. It is a very powerful thing to be in charge of your destinies, so embrace it! Good luck!

[u/FigImpressive3401]

you and your kids go NC, your husband is free to do whatever. Therapy might help you heal

[u/CrystalFeeler]

Don't subject your children to any adults you're incapable of handling yourself, you'll regret it. You would both benefit from therapy or at the very least assertiveness coaching 😊