r/JUSTNOMIL • u/thinkplantythoughts • 1d ago
New User 👋 Perfect evangelical MIL
Just coming across this subreddit, and would love to know if there are others more specific to conservative Christian evangelical MILs/in-laws in general.
I've had a difficult time finding others who have experienced an in-law family who is manipulative, codependent, etc and hides behind the image of Christianity. For example, they have never explicitly said or done anything rude to me (because they would look bad), but there are so many subtle messages that I am not accepted by them (despite them saying they love me SO MUCH). I continuously get gifts from them that are either pink/girly clothes that are smaller than comfortable on me, or my MIL loves to gift me her Marykay makeup. When they insist on taking pictures at every gathering, they are so pushy about me being in the front so that I can be seen. (My MIL has physically grabbed my wrist to pull me into a picture - the only time anything overt like that has happened, yet she denies remembering it).
My sweet husband has fought the good fight, being honest and open with them about what has made me uncomfortable. My MIL "apologized" for "anything she could have possibly ever done to hurt me in any way" and proceeds to not understand. It seemed that this "apology" was her way of seeming like the bigger person, and can blame me for not moving on. She keeps praying about me giving them grace (sweeping it under the rug) without taking any real accountability. She continuously sends me unsolicited texts about how she's praying for me to have a "fantastic Friday", etc.
It's so hard to describe all these covert things because they look and sound so sweet to outsiders. And I think they genuinely believe they're doing the right thing. But it's so obvious to me at this point that it's manipulation and taking away my ability to consent. Any similar stories/other subreddits would be so appreciated. The gaslighting is so real 😅
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u/DarkSquirrel20 1d ago
Hah yupp I have one. Southern Baptist to the core, appears to be the perfect, loving matriarch, but can't respect me or my wishes to save her life (or any of her adult children really). Everything is covert, nothing is ever talked about directly. She recently told DH she thinks I hate her so I'm sure she's prayed about me but based on her behavior, I'd guess the prayers are more for me to open up to her or accept her help rather than for understanding of the whole situation. She seems to truly believe she's done no wrong and think that I'm only upset because I shouldn't have the rules/boundaries I do in the first place.
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u/KatzAKat 1d ago
You and your husband may benefit from Googling and reading Harpy's Child. If it hits home, you'll have some information on how to proceed. It describes the narcissistic mother. Some have targeted victims and daughters-in-law are prime targets.
The only way to win with a narcissist is to not play. They change their rules to suit their current situation and reality. Their reality changes as they need it to suit their current situation. It's a vicious cycle that they play very well.
You could try asking her to repeat what she said under her breath around you. She won't and will be all "what? me?". You'll have misheard or misunderstood.
Since she's religious, you may also find good information at luke173ministries.org (note the .org and not a .com).
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u/BoozeAndHotpants 17h ago
Speaking as a woman who grew up as an evangelical fundie (and gtfo as soon as I was old enough), there is no consent in evangelical Christianism. It is all “pray, obey, do what you are told and ask no questions,” combined with a toxic dose of “RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY.”
Truly, these people are not taught consent. They are taught that you do what you are told by your authority figures and stfu otherwise.
You cannot reqson with them, you cannot “outbible” them, the only thing that works are clearly expressed, firm boundaries with consequences. They will never like you, they will always judge you, and they will always talk behind your back, usually on the guise of “prayer requests” to all their church folk. Hypocrisy and throwing shame is baked into their teachings and it would behoove you to be mindful of that at all times.
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u/thinkplantythoughts 11h ago
This is absolutely spot on. Because I'm not following my in-laws authority ("respecting my elders"), it's a judgment on me not being respectful. I should be happy to have in-laws who say they love me and are praying for me, and just get over all my petty grievances.
I'm not someone super steeped in the Bible so I've never been able to outwit them. It's refreshing to hear you say that it doesn't matter - because they'll just dismiss it anyways. And they have. I'm a therapist, so a lot of my perspective is research-backed, but that's "secular" to them and means nothing lol.
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u/Lugbor 1d ago
Tell her that an apology is meaningless without changed behavior, and that you will continue to hold her accountable for her actions. If that means reducing the amount of contact you have with her, then she will have to live with the strained relationship she caused.
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u/thinkplantythoughts 1d ago
Yeah, that's where I'm at. Probably not going to tell that to her because I've already been called disrespectful for just calling out her behavior that makes me uncomfortable. They live in the same small town as us and lots of other of my husband's extended family. Anything I do/say gets sent down the grapevine and affects my relationships with EVERYONE
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u/MattDubh 1d ago
"Disrespectful" is code for You've called out my shitty behaviour, and I don't like it.
It might be worth reading her bible. Christians really, really, don't like the rest of us knowing their book's teachings more than they do. It's unpleasant reading, FYI.
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u/CapableOutside8226 1d ago
Gossip & backbiting as evangelical traits huh?
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u/thinkplantythoughts 1d ago
Definitely gossip framed as being concerned or seeking advice/support. There's always a workaround to where they still look innocent!
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u/Bubbly-Champion-6278 13h ago
I regret being so open about my past and things that happened to me when seeking support at an evangelical church I attended years ago as I felt things I disclosed 'in confidence' were held against me.
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u/thinkplantythoughts 11h ago
Damn, I hate this for you. This stuff pisses me off. It's like taking advantage of someone who's in a vulnerable state, and using it to get more power over them
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u/shrumpdumpled 1d ago
My (former) MIL was a conservative evangelical. I cut her some slack because she was disabled following an aneurysm and I admired her fight.
However she refused to understand or accept that I kept my name and repeatedly sent me cards addressed to Mrs (son’s name). After patiently explaining that I remained shrumpdumpled she would nod and continue the behaviour.
She and her (grumpy, awful) husband had very binary views about gender which was ironic because their son was a total deviant who was never going to be the income earning “man of the house”.
In the end I met their energy. Mis-named mail was returned. I refused to answer if they called me Mrs (son’s name). I shut down all gendered nonsense by pointing out that I earned the dollars so I made the rules (not actually what I believe just returning their fire).
I did not miss them when I offloaded their useless son.
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u/Aspen_Matthews86 19h ago
My FIL is a born-again evangelical. He's a condescending, sanctimonious prick who hides his "ethnocentricity" (ie racism), and generally shitty behavior behind a wall of "Christian" values. Going NC was one of the best decisions we've ever made. It's not even worth it to try to build a relationship or obtain their approval because, unless you turn into a parrot who gets baptized in their particular brand of bullshit, they'll never approve of you, and they'll keep moving the goalpost with their passive aggressive bullshit.
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u/Crimson-Rose28 1d ago
Yep. My MIL is a church going evil b**** who thinks she is holier than thou simply because she prays and goes to church. I feel your pain. They look so wholesome on the outside but they’re far from it.
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u/thinkplantythoughts 1d ago
Hahah yeah, my husband recently got a chat from his dad, who was concerned that he's not being a good enough "leader in our marriage." I've started speaking up for myself and I guess that's seen as me not submitting to my husband lol. We don't subscribe to this toxic complementarianism, but they definitely do, and I guess thought that I was the perfect submissive DIL when we got married.
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u/vastros 1d ago
My favorite way to deal with those people is through scripture itself. I know a lot about the Bible and it's historical changes/revisions/context. So whenever someone tries hiding behind scripture I just over explain that part of the Bible and why they are wrong. Usually I get "your taking that out of context", especially if they are referencing the old testament.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tree561 1d ago
Exactly. Just loudly recite Matthew 16:23. "Get thee behind me, stupid!"
My Bible verses are a little rusty; I think that's how Matthew 16:23 went, but I'm not sure.
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u/Kirk10kirk 1d ago
Just tell her that true repentance is always accompanied by a change in behavior. Without it is is just self serving words.
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u/Embarrassed-Fudge803 1d ago
I’m a Jesus-follower & grew up evangelical, but consider myself exvangelical & try not to be an asshole. Tell JNMIL “Faith without works is dead” & watch her face. 😂
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u/thinkplantythoughts 1d ago
Hahah this is great. My husband has been explicit about "a man shall leave his father and mother to join with his wife" and that pisses them off so much.
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u/EStewart57 1d ago
This will get worse if you add LO's to the mix. Baptism? Bible classes? Taking the kids to church.
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u/Ok_Fishing394 1d ago
Can confirm; mine circles round to baptism and church attendance every 3 months, like clockwork. We should be due for her fall "reminder" any day now. My wife stopped us going to church mainly during covid, but then maintained us NOT going because the bitch that birthed her is such a two faced hypocrite.
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u/thinkplantythoughts 1d ago
Yes, definitely concerned about this as I'm currently pregnant. Do y'all just ignore the comments??
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u/Ok_Fishing394 1d ago
Yup. My kids are 16 and 12, with the younger being her clear favourite (girl). They can't stand her, so, we see her maybe every second month. She lives a mile away.
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u/gogomargo 1d ago
Ironically this is how my JNMIL describes her own family she’s NC with after she left the church. Guess she learned all her manipulative tricks from them and is doing it the secular way now lol.
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1d ago
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u/ardent_hellion 18h ago
This infuriates me (a lefty Episcopalian who strives to act like a decent person, faith or no faith). One useful thing about the Bible is that it's wildly inconsistent and has a quote for just about every occasion and mood. I'm sure you could find several to keep in your pocket that would drive her crazy!
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