Perfect evangelical MIL

[u/thinkplantythoughts]

Just coming across this subreddit, and would love to know if there are others more specific to conservative Christian evangelical MILs/in-laws in general.

I've had a difficult time finding others who have experienced an in-law family who is manipulative, codependent, etc and hides behind the image of Christianity. For example, they have never explicitly said or done anything rude to me (because they would look bad), but there are so many subtle messages that I am not accepted by them (despite them saying they love me SO MUCH). I continuously get gifts from them that are either pink/girly clothes that are smaller than comfortable on me, or my MIL loves to gift me her Marykay makeup. When they insist on taking pictures at every gathering, they are so pushy about me being in the front so that I can be seen. (My MIL has physically grabbed my wrist to pull me into a picture - the only time anything overt like that has happened, yet she denies remembering it).

My sweet husband has fought the good fight, being honest and open with them about what has made me uncomfortable. My MIL "apologized" for "anything she could have possibly ever done to hurt me in any way" and proceeds to not understand. It seemed that this "apology" was her way of seeming like the bigger person, and can blame me for not moving on. She keeps praying about me giving them grace (sweeping it under the rug) without taking any real accountability. She continuously sends me unsolicited texts about how she's praying for me to have a "fantastic Friday", etc.

It's so hard to describe all these covert things because they look and sound so sweet to outsiders. And I think they genuinely believe they're doing the right thing. But it's so obvious to me at this point that it's manipulation and taking away my ability to consent. Any similar stories/other subreddits would be so appreciated. The gaslighting is so real 😅

[u/EStewart57]

This will get worse if you add LO's to the mix. Baptism? Bible classes? Taking the kids to church.

[u/Ok_Fishing394 → u/EStewart57]

Can confirm; mine circles round to baptism and church attendance every 3 months, like clockwork. We should be due for her fall "reminder" any day now. My wife stopped us going to church mainly during covid, but then maintained us NOT going because the bitch that birthed her is such a two faced hypocrite.

[u/thinkplantythoughts → u/Ok_Fishing394]

Yes, definitely concerned about this as I'm currently pregnant. Do y'all just ignore the comments??

[u/Ok_Fishing394 → u/thinkplantythoughts]

Yup. My kids are 16 and 12, with the younger being her clear favourite (girl). They can't stand her, so, we see her maybe every second month. She lives a mile away.

[u/den-of-corruption → u/thinkplantythoughts]

ignoring them will sort of work but the issue is that not saying 'no' is an indication that they have the right to continue. and it will continue, including once baby is old enough to be pressured themselves!

when they first start talking about where/how baby will be baptized, you must respond with 'actually, baby will not be baptized/baby will be baptized when they agree to it/i will not dedicate my child to a church in infancy'. this will case hand-wringing, but you've already made your decision.

sometimes i find it helpful to inject a little sympathy for how upsetting this is for them while framing this as a cultural clash. what this is NOT is a chance for them to tell you what's 'right' because it's not 1910 and you do not live in a theocracy. their god is not in charge of you.

the second time they 'remind' you or pretend that discussion didn't happen, do not return to the first step. instead, focus on the repetition - 'MIL, we've already talked about this and i will not be changing my mind. i understand that this is not what you want but this is DH and I's baby so the decision lies with us.'

if there's a round three, it's time for you to slam your foot into the ground. 'MIL, this is the third time. please stop pretending we haven't talked about this. if you continue this way, we will stop speaking until you take my words seriously.'

[u/thinkplantythoughts → u/den-of-corruption]

This is so helpful, thank you so much