Perfect evangelical MIL

[u/thinkplantythoughts]

Just coming across this subreddit, and would love to know if there are others more specific to conservative Christian evangelical MILs/in-laws in general.

I've had a difficult time finding others who have experienced an in-law family who is manipulative, codependent, etc and hides behind the image of Christianity. For example, they have never explicitly said or done anything rude to me (because they would look bad), but there are so many subtle messages that I am not accepted by them (despite them saying they love me SO MUCH). I continuously get gifts from them that are either pink/girly clothes that are smaller than comfortable on me, or my MIL loves to gift me her Marykay makeup. When they insist on taking pictures at every gathering, they are so pushy about me being in the front so that I can be seen. (My MIL has physically grabbed my wrist to pull me into a picture - the only time anything overt like that has happened, yet she denies remembering it).

My sweet husband has fought the good fight, being honest and open with them about what has made me uncomfortable. My MIL "apologized" for "anything she could have possibly ever done to hurt me in any way" and proceeds to not understand. It seemed that this "apology" was her way of seeming like the bigger person, and can blame me for not moving on. She keeps praying about me giving them grace (sweeping it under the rug) without taking any real accountability. She continuously sends me unsolicited texts about how she's praying for me to have a "fantastic Friday", etc.

It's so hard to describe all these covert things because they look and sound so sweet to outsiders. And I think they genuinely believe they're doing the right thing. But it's so obvious to me at this point that it's manipulation and taking away my ability to consent. Any similar stories/other subreddits would be so appreciated. The gaslighting is so real 😅

[u/BoozeAndHotpants]

Speaking as a woman who grew up as an evangelical fundie (and gtfo as soon as I was old enough), there is no consent in evangelical Christianism. It is all “pray, obey, do what you are told and ask no questions,” combined with a toxic dose of “RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY.”

Truly, these people are not taught consent. They are taught that you do what you are told by your authority figures and stfu otherwise.

You cannot reqson with them, you cannot “outbible” them, the only thing that works are clearly expressed, firm boundaries with consequences. They will never like you, they will always judge you, and they will always talk behind your back, usually on the guise of “prayer requests” to all their church folk. Hypocrisy and throwing shame is baked into their teachings and it would behoove you to be mindful of that at all times.

[u/thinkplantythoughts → u/BoozeAndHotpants]

This is absolutely spot on. Because I'm not following my in-laws authority ("respecting my elders"), it's a judgment on me not being respectful. I should be happy to have in-laws who say they love me and are praying for me, and just get over all my petty grievances.

I'm not someone super steeped in the Bible so I've never been able to outwit them. It's refreshing to hear you say that it doesn't matter - because they'll just dismiss it anyways. And they have. I'm a therapist, so a lot of my perspective is research-backed, but that's "secular" to them and means nothing lol.

[u/den-of-corruption → u/thinkplantythoughts]

ding ding ding!! if they can dismiss your knowledge as secular and therefore irrelevant to them, you can dismiss their ideas as religious and therefore irrelevant to you. if they weren't awful to you this would be hurtful... but guess who's reaping what they sowed?

the reason we don't try to out-bible these people is because that concedes that the framing for all discussions is under the eaves of the church. you don't live there, you never agreed to live there, and they are not allowed to pretend you live there. a few scriptural zingers are fun but you should be shoving their book in their faces, never suggesting that you'd personally use those words as guidance.

i think you know the answer here is firmly articulated and consequential boundaries, but a few suggestions:

• DH should let his family know that you don't need more clothing as gifts. he can tell them you're trying to clear out your closet. you would instead appreciate consumables like candy, snacks, soap, nail polish etc. consume what you like, donate the rest.

• stop replying to all twee annoying texts. do not feed the addiction. in fact, mute her on your phone so you choose when she pops up in your life. your MIL is my grandma to a T and this helped a lot.

• add a massive time delay to all demands for attention. the less respectful or considerate of your own taste, the longer they wait. sometimes, you simply won't find time to reply until it's too late!

[u/thinkplantythoughts → u/den-of-corruption]

I appreciate the bullet points haha, this is really helpful, thank you.

They do think I believe the same things they do, which has been the only thing keeping them from totally Bible-thumping me. But I guess, this also gives them leeway to "correct" me when I seem to go "astray." It would totally destroy them if they knew what my actual beliefs are, and I'm not about to open that convo with them.