r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Fantastic-Dish9517 • 1d ago
Advice Wanted Anyone limit in-law contact while their partner kept close contact?
The only real source of conflict in my marriage is my relationship with my in-laws. I find my MIL particularly difficult, and over the years it’s only gotten worse. I feel tense and uncomfortable in social situations with them (my FIL too, but to a lesser extent).
Meanwhile, my wife talks to her mum daily and now with our newborn she wants to see them 1–2 times a week (it used to be closer to once a fortnight). For me, that’s overwhelming.
I’m considering stepping back completely for a while, letting my wife keep seeing them, while I work through things in therapy. Has anyone else created that kind of distance — and did it actually help?
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u/Ibenthinkin2much 1d ago
I cut contact w inlaws 10 years into the relationship w DH.
He stayed close for the next 10. They never understood what my "problem" was and I enjoyed not telling them til COVID when I flat out called them morons.
Now they're old and frail and I'm VERY glad I kept away. I'm not expected to take care of them.
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 1d ago
For years I didn’t socialize with my husbands family. They all drank a lot and got super rowdy and we had a small Child. I just didn’t go to a lot of family functions. For holidays. We would get rooms at hotels instead of staying with them. Now years later all of them have small Children. They used to think I was the problem, now they all see it’s having a small Child around rowdy drunk adults.
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u/autisticfarmgirl 1d ago
The issue here isn’t your MIL, it’s 100% your wife. She is the one who needs to put boundaries with her parents, she’s the one who needs to have your back and defend you when her parents are being awful to you, she’s the one who needs to learn to say no.
Your relationship should be a partnership where you both have each other’s back. She doesn’t have your back, you’re fighting on your own whilst she’s still saying yes to everything mummy and daddy say. Until and unless this problem is solved nothing else will get better.
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u/mama2babas 1d ago
I went NC with my MIL because she is overbearing, intrusive, and violating. My husband kept contact. I tried for a decade to befriend her. When we had our first child, I recognized how the way she treated me would never change and she had no interest in getting to know me or including me into any consideration for MY family. She felt entitled to our son and HER son let me be the one to deal with her.
I let her know exactly what the problem with our relationship was and she basically told me that there was not a problem and to move on. I tried setting boundaries in the moment for my child and I and she started crying and playing the victim. I realized after our son was 6 months this was a husband problem more than anything and gave him opportunity to set boundaries. He didn't. He even allowed her to do things like making our sons baptism about her.
I cut contact and let her know. She transparently became emotionally abusive towards my husband, so I set boundaries around the circumstances he could take our child to see his mom. The first one being to set boundaries with consequences, which he just didn't do, so by default LO joined me in NC.
You might want to establish marriage counseling with your wife. Her frequent calls and desire to have her parents around might be fine and dandy, but if she is displacing you in the family you created together and raising your baby with her family instead of you, that builds resentment. She can go visit her family but weekly is a lot and when do you get time alone as a new family of 3?
What if you want to spend a day home with your baby and she wants to see her parents? Does she get to set the terms of your lives unilaterally? Would you be willing to compromise to every other week visits and maybe in a public setting? Figure out what your needs are and then have a talk with your wife. If she gets defensive, maybe get professional help.
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u/Rain12Bow 1d ago
It only really worked for me when I told DH what I needed from him, instead of talking about the ILs.
At first I tried telling him which behaviours bothered me; I think it sounded like criticism and it was harder for him to hear.
When I switched to trying to communicate my needs, he stepped up and protected me more from them. (“I need you to…” rather than “MIL did this and I’m horrified and offended”).
At the same time, I also decided I needed space from them. I had years of shitty interactions, and they were cruel to me last Christmas, and so basically I mentally threw in the towel.
I withdrew, didn’t reply to texts unless necessary, saw them less, and blocked them on social media. We call this “LC” or low contact. It was an adjustment period but I was happier. I told my partner I needed space from them and I think he was sad, but he understood.
MIL however did not understand and escalated to overt abuse, to the point where I’m now no contact. DH has reduced his contact of his own accord.
Our relationship is actually so much better. I used to resent the obligatory ILs events and efforts, but no longer. I feel peaceful and free because I’m not allowing MIL to abuse me anymore. I feel closer to DH because I feel like he’s finally chosen me. Our home life is happier.
We do not talk about the ILs. And it works for us.
I am fairly sure that they’ve continued to guilt trip and bully him to control him like they used to. But it seems to have the opposite effect, him retreating to our comparatively peaceful home life together.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1d ago
My husband takes the brunt of his mother because I can't stand her. I talk to her twice a year on the phone. Sometimes via text and see her once or twice a year. They live a few hours away though so its easy.
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u/Difficult_Bug_ 1d ago
I am NC with my MIL and FIL by default as we don't see them/speak to them without each other being there.
It was hard in the beginning as DH didn't understand why my NC was being upheld even after my MIL wanted to apologize. I explained what she had done was just too much for me to move passed and we agreed that I was up to me to decide if I spoke to her again.
We have a 3yo who speaks to her on the phone with DH but I am not involved at all. We are planning a holiday back to see family and this is where I am struggling as I will have another kid by then and not sure how to navigate my ILs seeing their grandkids without me being there - we are working on it.
We have strict rules in place for any behavior not acceptable and I am VERY prepared to act on the consequences - one being no contact with my kids.
It is hard. But so far I am so much better for it and I can actually breathe and relax in my own space without her interfering and making my life so much harder because of her nonsense.
Your SO will have to be on board with your NC or LC and rules put in place. Without it it will not work.
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u/bluefishtigercat 20h ago
I think there's a happy medium here. You don't need to go NC, you just need to let your wife hang with her parents as much as she wants while you do something else! She might like this arrangement too. My parents and my partner have a great relationship, but I spend a lot of time with my family and only "invite" my partner about 20% of the time. He's great with that arrangement, just like I love it when he has weekly dinner with his dad--just the two of them. This is healthy and normal.
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u/hope3311 1d ago
If you agree, that your wife goes to her parents alone, then you and your wife must agree on common rules. Mil's behavior CANNOT CONTINUE! Your wife must understand that the 3 of you are now forming your own family with your child. You MUST think together about common rules that your wife MUST follow.
Your wife can go to see her family alone, but leave the baby with you. Otherwise, you never know what Mil will come up with next. Soon Mil will have put earrings on your baby, cut her hair, etc. I think your wife should take more of a break from meeting her parents.
Tell Mil that before Mil apologizes and starts following your rules, you are not involved whit them and they will not see the baby. If saying this seems too difficult, you can send text or email. Mil seems to be completely walking all over your wife and you. (I looked at your older texts).
Go to couples therapy with your wife, and your wife could also benefit from individual therapy. In any case, your wife needs to learn how to stand up for herself against her mother. Your wife needs to learn allso how to stand up for you and your child and your family.
When your child grows up, you can be sure that mil will verbally attack your child as well if the child does not agree with mil = give in to mil. If you do nothing and just let mil's behavior continue, then in the future you will either get divorced or one or both of you will wither away mentally.
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u/ChristiCaros 1d ago
I found that my mother-in-law is better when I only talk to her in group chats vs one-to-one texting. So whenever possible, I text in a group chat with her and my husband, or with her and my husband. Helps keep things smoother if there's any misunderstanding.
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u/Internal_Set_6564 1d ago
People need to be told the truth. If you say to them “you make me uncomfortable. I don’t like being around you.“ They will be hurt and offended, but you will be rid of them. That is the goal keep that goal in mind. You want them to leave you alone so you no longer have to interact with them. I find that people won’t change to make other people comfortable. They will only change when they have little choice. They feel they do not have to change for you because you are lower in their imaginary social hierarchy. Being blunt with them by telling them “I do not enjoy your company.” Will push them away and that is what you want. I know this seems a tad aggressive, or perhaps even hostile, but without this catalyst, they are just going to continue to be annoying.
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u/MinionsHaveWonOne 1d ago
Stepping back "completely" seems unnecessarily extreme. Why not step back to fortnightly visits (or monthly even) for yourself and let your wife go see her parents on her own (with or without LO) in between.
You need to have a chat with your wife to get her take on this because the cold hard fact is that most people do expect their spouse to be prepared to interact with their FOO at least some of the time. If stepping back "completely" would lead to a divorce is that really a step you would be willing to take? If not then you'd have to compromise so why not consider what compromises you'd be willing to make before you start that conversation.
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