r/JUSTNOMIL • u/FlimsyRecover8326 • 1d ago
Am I Overreacting? My MIL keeps asking to have my baby alone “just because” and makes passive-aggressive comments — how do I handle this and talk to my husband?
Hi Reddit, I (26f) have a 9-month-old baby with my husband (26m). Overall, I get along with my MIL — she’s nice to me most of the time — but there are some things that have been making me uncomfortable.
She’s been very insistent about wanting me to leave the baby alone with her for a couple of hours, “just because.” I’ve already trusted her with my baby a few times when I had to do something (like going to the gym with my husband, or running errands). But now she keeps pushing for me to leave him with her even when there’s no reason, and honestly, I just don’t feel comfortable.
It’s not that I think she’d harm him, but I worry she’d do things I don’t allow yet (like giving him sweets, putting him in a walker, etc.). And I also just don’t want to. For me, that’s reason enough.
On top of that, she sometimes makes comments that bother me, like:
- Saying that it’s “ugly to be the paternal family” because daughters stay closer to their parents, but sons “leave and build their own life.” She’s repeated this many times in front of me.
- Joking that my husband is a “bad son” because he doesn’t visit her often, and then looking at me and saying, “You, I’m going to scold you.” (So basically blaming me for him not being around enough).
- Talking about her dream of having a property with three houses for her kids to live in — and saying, “Well, I’m sure my daughter’s husband would, but she (me) wouldn’t.”
These comments make me feel like she sees me as the one who’s taking her son and grandbaby away.
I don’t want to be unfair — she does care for us, and I know she loves the baby. But these things add up and make me feel defensive.
Am I overreacting for not wanting to leave my baby with her “just because”. How do I set this boundary without sounding rude or ungrateful? And how should I bring this up to my husband so he understands my feelings, without it turning into a fight about his mom?
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation?
Thanks in advance
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 12h ago
“Thanks, but I don’t need you to stay with the baby today.”
“Why exactly do you need to be alone with the baby? Do you plan on doing something you know I would disapprove of you doing?”
“I’m not leaving my baby when there is absolutely no need to leave her.”
“Your son is a big boy who makes his own decisions. If he doesn’t visit you it must be because he doesn’t want to visit you. Nothing to do with me.”
“Frankly, no, I would not want to live on a property that has family so close. I value my privacy and independence.”
If she is going to make all those digs about you, give it right back to her. Don’t be a door mat.
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u/OniyaMCD 23h ago
'I want alone time with baby!'
'Why do you have to be alone with LO?'
'Just because.'
'Well then, the answer is no.'
'Why not?'
'Just because.'
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u/throwawayfoolishqs 14h ago
What would happen if you cheerfully responded to one of these nasty aggressive comments with "Gosh, Betty, it's hard for me to figure out how you imagine alienating me is going to get you a good relationship with my son. Seriously, how is that supposed to work?"
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u/StaticCharacter90 13h ago
Or next time she makes a snarky comment, simply saying with a laugh, “I don’t think that’s the way to get the results you’re seeking!”
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u/Emotional_Builder_24 1d ago
I will shout this from the rooftops anyone who insists on being alone with your child is not a safe person for the child to be with !!!
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u/Prestigious_Ear_7374 1d ago
This! Never ever would I ever leave my LO with my husband's family. Neverrrr, due to this !
If is not something like: "leave them with me for insert task during which you need help" . E.g : leve them with me, since you need to go to the movies, e.g. (not on a pushy way either)
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u/ChampionshipSad1586 23h ago
Thank you. Any time anyone has asked me to be alone with their baby/toddler/kid it was for requested babysitting. And any sane person would rather interact with a baby with the parents present bc they can want their mom/dad at any moment. Like why on Earth would I NEED to be alone with a child?!?
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u/Illustrious-Mix-4491 19h ago
You are not over reacting. You are under reacting.
When she asks for alone time tell her No or no thank you. That is all. No explanation needed. She asks again respond, “asked and answered.” She asks again say, “we already talked about this. Are you having memory problems?”
Never explain your reasons. They are not her business. Your answer is —-. Leave it at that.
Passive aggressive comments need to be addressed, each and every single one. Stop worrying about coming off rude. Is she worried about coming off rude with her passive aggressive bs?
She makes a comment look her in the eye and ask her what she meant by that. If she says it’s just a joke ask her, “I don’t understand, please explain.” “How is that a joke?” “Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny?”
It will be shocking at first and maybe get a little tiresome. But keep at it. Eventually she will change.
She is acting this way because it works for her. Stop letting it work.
If anyone including SO comes at you for being rude ask how is it her rude is okay and you standing up is not. If they say you embarrassed her, correct them by pointing out she embarrassed herself. If they say, this is just how she is, say well this is how you are.
Bottom line is you teach people how to treat you. You need to step up your teaching game.
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u/2crowsonmymantle 17h ago
You’re nailing it— calling her on her behavior as soon as it happens in a calm, unrattled and concerned for her mental health kind of way puts the OP in the rational, social status above the MiL adult seat and keeps the weirdo MiL in the pathetic and obvious lower status in the room manipulator seat.
I would only add the staring at her in the eyes for a few but very long feeling to MiL seconds before responding verbally with exactly what you’re saying above—just to see if she can be forced to continue to spout out more crazy nonsense and embarrass herself even more deeply before the reply is made. People like that usually will.
Coming at the situation from the viewpoint of OP as the sane and intelligent person and the mil as the manipulative, pathetic and lost person she is can help OP stay calmly established as the only person worth listening to who is above the obvious sad and loserly manipulative tactics of the MiL.
lol the only other addition I could possibly add to the OP’s suggested replies to the MiL is to have a prewritten piece of paper with a gerontological counselor’s name and number on it to hand to MiL with the sad but sweet ‘ oh you poor thing’ smile ,” Your passive aggressive and strange behavior has been making us all think you’re having having trouble with your identity and self worth. Here, this person may be able to help.
How about that Area Sports Team/Recent Weather Pattern, quite something, eh?”
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u/YellowBeastJeep 1d ago edited 1d ago
When your mil blames you for her son’s behavior, look her in the eyes, and say, “YOU raised him, soooo…..”
Additionally, if she voices a complaint about you not allowing a hypothetical (which in reality, you wouldn’t allow), answer in the affirmative, telling her that she’s right; you would never allow that. She’s testing the waters, so let her know that it’s not going to happen.
Finally, “I just don’t want to,” is more than enough reason to not give in to her demand.
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u/Rain12Bow 1d ago
Yes, I’ve dealt with this!
At first I tried to say to MIL and DH:
• ”I’m just not ready for that. I’ll let you know when that changes” and just repeating that same thing when asked “why not!?”)
• Allowing some time if certain conditions were met (eg. they made their home safer, that I was included in communication to organise visits etc - spoiler, MIL didn’t do this)
My MIL is next level controlling and I felt I needed to supervise visits.
I eventually just started saying:
• ”LO’s and I can visit you on X time, on Y day, at Z place” and not agreeing to anything else.
Because it wasn’t on her terms, she got mad. I held that boundary. She got madder and abused me.
I am no contact now. I regret nothing!
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u/Adagio_4_Strings 1d ago
NOR, and frankly, with comments like those, she doesn’t deserve the privilege of having the baby alone. Don’t give in, and call her out when she says these things. “DH is an adult; he can visit you whenever he wants.” “MIL, that’s insulting. Why would you say that?” “MIL, when you say such unkind things, it makes us want to see you LESS.” Also, where is DH when she says these things? He needs to step in and shut her down, every single time.
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u/pureimaginatrix 21h ago
You don't just have a MIL problem, you have a SO problem. He should be dealing with her and his family. They shouldn't be able to get to you because they have to go through him first.
Why isn't your husband dealing with his mother? He needs to get a spine and protect you and your baby.
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u/FlimsyRecover8326 16h ago
He doesn’t even notice, an she’s always been like this so I think he just learned to ignore her and I think he expected me to do the same
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u/Coollogin 15h ago
I think he just learned to ignore her and I think he expected me to do the same
Yep. You should ignore her aggressively. One thing that really aggravates passive-aggressive people is when you don't pick up on the shade they are covertly laying down.
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u/DesperateOne416 15h ago
Hi OP! you are not overreacting.
My MIL was/is an incredibly passive aggressive, constantly negative, entitled guilt peddler. She is now 90. Because of her past behavior, I rarely if ever see her (once or twice per year), and even then, I probably say a total of six words to her per year. Her daughter, my SIL is similar - not as passive aggressive but incredibly controlling. I don't have a relationship with her either.
After years of MILs comments and DH saying nothing, I had enough. After years of DH placating his controlling sister, I had enough. I was done and it was too late for DH to do anything about it.
This still makes my DH very sad. He regrets that he didn't do what he should have done when I first came on the scene. He wishes he would have called out his mother and silenced her whenever she said something out of line. He wishes he would have said no to his controlling sister instead of placating her. He knows that it is his fault that he didn't, and he accepts my VLC, and appreciates it immensely whenever I do see them, even if it is incredibly superficial and brief.
I hope you and your DH can learn from my story, before it gets to the point that you have no more fucks to give and DH is out of time to do anything about it.
***So for you, this is what I would have told my 26-year-old self: You do not have to like your in laws. You do not have to have a relationship with your in laws independent of your husband. You do not have to answer their phone calls or text messages. Their communication should go through their child, not you. You do not have to host them in your home when your DH is not present. He should be present the entire time, not working, and not avoiding them by playing on his phone.
Constant passive aggressive comments are a good enough reason to limit contact. You can tell your DH that you don't appreciate the passive aggressive comments and that he has the opportunity to do something about it, but that for you, you will be limiting contact with his mother, starting with him handling communication and him being present when she visits. You can tell him that it is his responsibility to curb these comments when she is in your home and that if he does not do so, you will further limit contact. For his sake, I hope your DH wises up. Otherwise, it is likely that all of your MILs passive aggressive musings will come true.
Edit; added 2 words for clarity
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u/juniejun3 1d ago
"MIL, why do you want to be alone with a 9-month-old baby? What do you want to do to him that we are not supposed to see? If you have nothing to hide you will surely be okay with us being present while you spend time with him."
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u/Cheese_Dinosaur 22h ago
Stand your ground. I was a victim of DA and my in-laws would literally bully me into taking my baby out and I was so worn down that I would just let them and then sit on the doorstep waiting for them to bring my baby back. I’m ashamed now for not standing my ground. My baby is now 29 years old and it still makes me sad that I did that. Stand your ground. 🩷
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u/LickMyLollipop699 21h ago
Your husband needs to have your back fully. If he doesn’t, the MIL will keep testing limits endlessly.
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u/Cheese_Dinosaur 19h ago
I divorced him 25 years ago. He never had my back. He often made me feel like the worst mum in the world. He always put his family first.
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u/Ok_Ground_3857 19h ago edited 13h ago
I wouldn’t be able to handle all of the comments about being aggrieved over DILs keeping MILs away.
I would wait for her to say something like that again and then look her in the eye and say calmly and firmly, “MIL, I am very happy for you to be involved in our lives and I do not try to keep you from DH or LO. But when you make comments like that, it does make me uncomfortable which makes me want to see you less. I know you say them out of anxiety because you don’t want to lose your son, but I’m telling you this now because you’re starting to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
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u/Coollogin 18h ago
She feels some kind of way about her children being all grown up. She's entering a new phase in her own life, and she's not comfortable about it. Being a mother with children in her home was a gig she felt good about. She derived her sense of self-worth from it. She's struggling to get any sense of self-worth from being an older woman who no longer has the valuable occupation of raising children. So she's trying to claw back any semblance of active motherhood.
None of it is really about you, but you definitely are getting some of the blow back. Ignore it. Feel sorry for her inability to enjoy this new phase of her life, and do what you can not to become her when your little chicks grow up and leave the nest.
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u/yourlacesarenotdone 15h ago
Man, those are some pretty aggressive comments. How is she nice to you??
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u/Icyblue_Dragon 17h ago
I directly asked my MIL what she wants to do with the baby that she can’t do while I‘m there.
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u/ChampionshipSad1586 1d ago
It is cringe/red flag when people WANT to be alone with a baby.
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u/Boring_Potato_5701 23h ago
This, OP. As a devoted grandma, I OFFERED to take my grandbaby as often as his parents wanted, but only had alone time with him when it was requested. It wasn’t until he was talking and walking that my husband and I would ask if we could take him out for a fun outing (zoo, park, etc).
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u/CartographerCold5597 20h ago
Dealing with this right now. My MIL has been passive aggressively (or through our baby) requesting to keep our 5 month old overnight or for a few hours since she was born. I exclusively breastfeed every 2-3 hours and my MIL barely knows her (and my baby screams a lot of the time when they’re around). I think it’s a big red flag that ANYONE would take your baby out of your sight without saying exactly when, where, and what they will be doing. If they truly love you, they will be fine with supervised visits or playing with the baby at your house while you’re in a different room (although I prefer my husband to observe if I can’t be in the room). I would have your husband tell her you’re both not comfortable with that at this time. She can deal, it’s not her kid!
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u/TomeThugNHarmony4664 16h ago
Do you really think she is nice to you??????
She’s aggressively passive-aggressive as hell.
Your husband needs to sit her down and explain that comments and behavior like what you described will actually NEVER get her more time with him or the baby and will instead cause you all to hold here even more at arm’s length.
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u/Ok_Frame_8864 20h ago
Honestly anyone requesting "alone time with the baby" should creep the fuck out of you. Like ask her. "What do you want to do with the baby you cannot do with us around?"
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u/booo2u 17h ago
I'd have some responses ready that shows that you don't agree with her. It's hard to guilt trip someone when they aren't susceptible to it.
For example:
Saying that it’s “ugly to be the paternal family” because daughters stay closer to their parents, but sons “leave and build their own life.” She’s repeated this many times in front of me.
"Ugly? No, no mil. Ugly would be a child that never gets the confidence to make a beautiful life of their own. We can't wait to see what baby does with theirs."
Joking that my husband is a “bad son” because he doesn’t visit her often, and then looking at me and saying, “You, I’m going to scold you.” (So basically blaming me for him not being around enough).
Tell her to talk to DH about it as he is the one who decides when to visit his side of the family.
Talking about her dream of having a property with three houses for her kids to live in — and saying, “Well, I’m sure my daughter’s husband would, but she (me) wouldn’t.”
"You're right MIL, why would I want to move so close to someone who says such rude things to/about me."
As for babysitting for no reason just tell her no or that you'll let her know when you need her to babysit.
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u/Marvin_is_my_martian 1d ago
I never trust these MILs who want "alone time" with a baby. Their motivation is definitely to defy your boundaries and almost certainly to badmouth you. It's total sabotage.
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u/Running-Target8436 1d ago
I had this version of passive aggressive commentary from my MIL, and my solution was to become very very busy and unavailable, when I was around her I would just 'return serve' so to speak
"My daughter is much more available for me than my son - he's just always so busy" - I just respond with "that's why I am so glad my parents have their hobbies they enjoy and their own busy lives, as they realise that we are a super busy family, both working, and also have social engagements of our own which means we are not always available. I love though that the time we spend together is quality time, not quantity time, and that they understand. Just like I love that you understand as well......"
"I am missing seeing the baby growing up because you never invite me to stay with you anymore" - again - repeat the above, and stress the a) quality time over quantity time, and b) I love that you understand that
"I wish you could build me a granny flat on your property so we could all live together, and then I would have time with my grandchildren" - I have responded with "Look, I am an introverted person, and I have learnt over time that my home is my sanctuary. I need to have this for myself, so I would never entertain a situation that would make one of us miserable, just to benefit the other. I know you wouldn't want that either"
She has learnt that won't fly with us, and so she has reduced her commentary. It does help as well that my hubby is 100% with me on this, and also we live in a different state from my parents, so his mother actually sees the kids more than mine do! That eliminates any possibility that she could complain about getting less time with them !
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u/madgeystardust 1d ago
Trust your gut.
Keep a polite distance. She doesn’t run the show and always remember that ‘fair isn’t equal’.
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u/elisaolive96 23h ago
When my MIL and her parents do something like that I always tirn the question to them: " when it was you baby did you let them stay with your MIL?" They always answer no and I respond: " for me it's the same, I'm not letting my baby out of my sight". They don't like it, but they don't push because they know I will cut contact (I've done it before for 1 year)
Whatnabout your husband? What is his opinion?
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u/No-Hedgehog2801 22h ago
But chances are that she did leave her baby with her MIL and everyone else who was willing (or will just lie about it) or will say that she would have loved to leave the baby there. I've been there. It's awesome that this works out for you 🙌 but depending on the situation it can create more problems.
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u/FeedAway829 23h ago
those comments can be your reason when she asks . tell her , 'unfortunately, I don't feel comfortable with that due to the constant comments and insinuations that i'm a problem and the reason for your unhappiness' then give those exact examples when she asks for them !
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u/FeedAway829 23h ago
and you really really need to say something at the exact moment she says these backhanded comments . 'mil you keep saying this to me.i'm sorry you feel that way,it really hurts my feelings-but i've heard you loud and clear so please stop repeating it'
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u/Open-Kaleidoscope721 20h ago
If you don’t want to and have no reason to.. that.. is.. enough! Our time with our babies are precious and we don’t want to miss out. If she wants to do something the three of yall, then that could be a good alternative if you want.
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u/Glittering-List-465 16h ago
She sounds like she misses the baby stage and wishes she got to experience it again. But she’s being rude and pushy instead of treating you with respect. I love getting one on one time with my grandkids. But I don’t push for it. To me that would be weird.
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u/Diabled_Pain 15h ago
Yeah, that would be weird. Whenever I’m missing my grandson, I tell my daughter, “If you need to run errands or you two need time to yourselves, just drop him off.” Of course I don’t miss him all that much anymore because he’s 8 yo now LOL!
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u/Successful-Style-288 14h ago
Your MIL sounds similar to mine except mine is a bit more manipulative though. Instead of saying things to me directly she cries to her husband (FIL) who then calls my husband to tell him he’s a bad son for not seeing his mother and for always being with my family. Yes, I am super close to my parents but I work full time although often from home. I need support so my parents are often here taking care of my baby. My MIL prepared a room for my daughter in her house but my baby is 9 months and she doesn’t stay overnight anywhere unless she’s with me. I hate the way she manipulates my husband by faking health issues for attention. I don’t stand in the way of my husband tending to his mom he’s a smart guy, she’s cried wolf enough times that he knows what’s up. He basically just took her to the hospital this time so a doctor could tell her nothing was wrong with her and that’s exactly what happened. She then proceeded to invite her brother and SIL over to my house after she invited herself over, then tried to make plans for us next Saturday. We told her we already had plans and would be busy but would let her know when she can visit again. My only advice is to communicate with your husband honestly and often. Let him know that you’re not comfortable leaving your baby alone with anyone if you don’t have to. Let him know the comments his mother has said and how it’s made you feel. Make sure that he understands you know his mom cares for you but that her passive aggressive comments aren’t helpful to your relationship with her. It only pushes you away. She needs to understand that you are now a family unit with her son and your baby. I try to be very careful how I word things with my husband, I know his mom has messed with his head and I know he puts me and his daughter first but he also struggles with this guilt of not being the son he’s expected. I make sure to point out everything helpful that he does and thank him for it. I also acknowledge and compliment his strength in not being a pushover with his parents. I validate his feelings about his parents. I make sure to tell him I appreciate him for being a good father and husband, that I will always support him and that I have his back when it comes to conversations with his parents. I make sure he knows he’s a good son and tell him why even if his parents don’t think so. Make sure your husband knows you’re coming to him as a partner, teammate, and from a kind, loving perspective.
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u/MsMerete 1d ago
You could pouint out that you're not your husband's mother or his secretary. Many married men make sure their parents are involved with their kids because they were raised to see that as their responsibility, not the job of the wife...
I certainly wasn't responsible for managing my inlaws - even now both MIL & FIL have passed away, my partner makes plans with his sisters (admittedly mainly at Christmas) for the siblings' families to get together. Because he's a grown adult.
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u/hope3311 21h ago
You are NOT OVERREACTING. Firts, if parents are spoken to in an aggressive tone, etc., I would talk to this person. If talking doesn't help, then I would cut off contact for at least a while. Seeing the baby/child would also be cut off for the same period of time.
Parents should talk together in advance about child care, etc. And always AGREE together IN FRONT OF OTHERS!!! For example, a father cannot agree with his wife at first, but for example if his mother asks/demands something that is so-called forbidden, then the father is on the same side with his mother against the mother of the baby/child. In general, if one parent is against something, then I think the other parent must also take a negative line. Otherwise, there will only be bigger arguments, etc. all the time.
Second, baby/child is not a toy, that you can be taken care of whenever you want! In my opinion, a baby or small child should only go to care if the parent has something important to do, etc. If you want to take care of a baby more, it's easier to buy yourself your own baby doll!
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u/CartographerCold5597 20h ago
Yes, this! Our kids are not baby dolls for our in-laws to play house.
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u/wicket-wally 18h ago
I’d suggest writing a letter to your husband. Pretty much put everything from your post. And make it clear like you did at the end.. that you want him to hear you and understand your feelings. You’re not looking to fight about her, just need his help with the situation she has put you in. You need his help to improve the relationship. Sometimes words get lost in the moment and you don’t get to voice your thoughts and feelings
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u/alma-s 14h ago
I listened to these sorts of comments for nine long years. 5 of those years I was a mother myself. I also have a son. But in my case it came from three people(mother, sister and aunt) at the same time. When I asked my ex to stand up for me he shrugged and said that he can't say anything because they're family. Okay but what am I - the mother of your child? Thank god we did not get married. One of the harshest incidents I remember was when my grandmother was in a hospital for cancer treatment, I was pregnant and I had no job. We lived abroad. My mom(my only parent) struggled and could not pay the bills and couldn't afford the medication. I asked my ex to help them. He did. But what happened after was... Disgusting. He sent some money to his mother to help with bills. As did his sister. And his mother also had a SO who was working. He called his mother and explained the situation and said that he will send the money a week later. Surprisingly she was totally fine with it. Or so I thought. Less than 15 minutes after he finished his conversation with her his sister called and screamed at the top of her lungs. He calmly tried to explain that my grandmother was in hospital and needed money for cancer treatment and he will send the money just a bit later. To which the sister replied- why do you care about her family? You have to take care of your own mother!(Who had no medical problems and also was working herself). She needed a new winter coat though. I was floored. He did nothing. He took the scolding and promised to never be late with the money. I suffered so much. He did nothing. If your husband will not step up and set boundaries - it will not get better. Believe me! My now husband never lets his family members to harass me. Not that they would. He has stopped any innocent jokes or comments right at the beginning. He has set the boundary that if they were to attack me they would have to go through him. He helps his family a lot. But he views my mother as his family too. And has so since our first date. What I mean is- husband needs to set some boundaries. And you have every right to refuse alone time with the baby "just because". Your "just because" is a lot bigger than hers. But you have to talk to your husband and explain how these things make you feel. And that yes- you could stand up for yourself but it would be a lot better if he had your back. Even better if you didn't had to stand up for yourself. He is not a baby anymore. And he needs to understand that you are the mother of his child. And believe me- these comments from relatives are reason enough to fall out of love no matter how good of a father or husband he is otherwise. I know it from experience. I tried for nine long years. I bent over backwards to please them and cried so many nights. But it broke me. I just had enough of it...
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u/exchange_of_views 17h ago
“You, I’m going to scold you.”
"Why on earth would you say that"?"
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u/StaticCharacter90 13h ago
This! Even asking, “what do you mean by that?” Or “I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying that out loud”
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u/GlimmerLipsOn 1d ago
ur husband needs to hear this straight up bc it’s HIS mom if he doesn’t back u up now it’ll just get messier later
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u/tumblrnostalgic 23h ago edited 17h ago
It’s the passive aggressive comments for me. I truly have no patience for those anymore.
You need to tell her that the more she pushes, the less you feel inclined to agree. You don’t have to make it a big deal, just say with a smile that you want to enjoy your baby and will let her know when you’d like her to babysit.
Good luck xx
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u/Ok-Body-6899 1d ago
My mums the same with me, I find myself saying 'thanks for the offer but ill let you know when we need you' constantly. My son is 2.5 years old and I still say it so often. I'm pregnant now ans shes constantly saying 'you'll need me when the baby is here' which makes me feel like being more stubborn and struggling through just to prove i don't need her 😅.
Can you say something similar? Definitely talk to your husband about how she makes you feel though.
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u/rjtnrva 18h ago
Seriously, you need to clap back at ALL that bullshit. DO NOT put up with being treated less-than in ANY way. You are a grown-ass adult with a child of your own and she has Z E R O rights to YOUR child other than those YOU give her. If your husband won't do it himself, HANDLE HER SHIT. I'm so sick of these mama's boys who refuse to stand up for the woman they chose to spend their life with!
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u/hotmesssorry 1d ago
We have never sent our kids away for fun, or just because, and we have been unapologetic about it.
I tend to say “when we decided to have children we agreed that we would only send them away when we had a reason to do so. If we ever need you to babysit, we’ll keep it in mind.”
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u/HenryBellendry 17h ago
Just because isn’t a valid reason to hang out alone with a baby, and if she’s that insistent she’s up to something. If you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t feel comfortable. You don’t owe her any more reason than that. You don’t even owe her that much.
Also, I’d start responding to her comments.
Saying that it’s “ugly to be the paternal family” because daughters stay closer to their parents, but sons “leave and build their own life.” She’s repeated this many times in front of me. - “That’s right. They become adults with their own families.”
Joking that my husband is a “bad son” because he doesn’t visit her often, and then looking at me and saying, “You, I’m going to scold you.” (So basically blaming me for him not being around enough). - “You raised a grown man. Take it up with him.”
Talking about her dream of having a property with three houses for her kids to live in — and saying, “Well, I’m sure my daughter’s husband would, but she (me) wouldn’t.” - “He’s welcome to, if he likes but LO and I will stay here and enjoy our home.”
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u/LavenderRose5953 17h ago
I would be worried that she wants to take her grandchild to do something that a lot of parents want to be there when it happens. Haircut? First time eating ice cream? Etc.
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u/thearcherofstrata 1d ago
With my MIL, I just told her repeatedly, “the baby needs me right now. He will be so scared without me. He can’t leave me because he is exclusively breastfed and only breastmilk can comfort him.” And so on so forth. Thankfully she didn’t push me other than asking me several times.
Where is your husband in all this? Does he hear these comments?
Her comments are very annoying and would get on my nerves too.
I would’ve responded like this:
“Yeah that’s hard. Everyone has their struggles!” And then got up to get a drink for no reason.
“Oh, that’s okay, I’ll go get DH. HEY, DH! Your mom wants to talk to you.” And then got up and went to the bathroom for no reason.
“That sounds like a nice dream. My dream is to buy out Nintendo and erase all Pokemon that are based on inanimate objects!” And then got up to reorganize the linen closet because they’re urgent.
I think it is healthy to fight with your husband. I fought with my husband about his mother/parents a LOT. It took a lot for him to understand that I am not as comfortable with HIS parents as he is.
But I would bring it up like this- “Love, I think your mom wants some attention from you. She’s made a few passive aggressive comments toward me that I think are meant for you. Do you want to go grab coffee with her sometime? I’ll watch the baby.” And then go from there. This is a way to gauge his feelings on the matter and also bring up this topic without him going on defense mode right off the bat. In the end, you want your man on YOUR team, so you butter him up real nice and make him be on his KNEES for you, sis. That is how you win a war.
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u/Prestigious_Ear_7374 1d ago
The pokemon one xD 😆
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u/thearcherofstrata 15h ago
She needs to know how she sounds, am I right?
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u/Prestigious_Ear_7374 15h ago
True! I usually say: I also wanted to be the pope but i am not 😆 and when my monster in law tries to gaslight i say " call the pope to judge he will be in my favour" (funfact: ,not a christian xD)
I know more about pokemon than Christianity xd
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u/thearcherofstrata 15h ago
Dang, yalls’ relationship sounds tense! Calling in the Pope and all lol.
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u/cicadasinmyears 23h ago
There is no valid reason for her to need or want to have your child alone. The only way that would be acceptable would be if YOU wanted time to yourself to run errands, go on a date night with DH, etc., and you instigated the process.
This is 100% a control thing. It is similar with the overnights issue: my hard and fast rule would be that I would never leave my child in someone else’s care unless and until they could independently operate a phone and explain to me whatever was going on at the time.
My eldest niece was five before I had her stay over at my place, and it was because my sister and BIL were moving the next day. So I did offer to take her, but it was a total no-pressure, “it might be easier to get stuff loaded into the truck without a five year old running around, up to you, I could come pick her up at 8:00 a.m. if you’d rather have her sleep there” kind of thing, and her grandparents were staying in town and made plans to take her out for a bunch of activities the following day.
Even then, we FaceTimed with both parents a couple of times during her stay, just to check in. She was so excited about everything that she basically didn’t shut up about how much fun she was having the entire time (which was awesome, because even I was a little nervous: she was very clingy with her mom at the time).
It’s about basic respect for the parents and their role as the ultimate authorities over and guardians of the child. They trusted me completely, but it was partly - at least in my mind - because I went out of my way to be totally transparent with them, probably even more than they would have considered necessary.
“Thanks for offering, but that won’t work for us. We’ll let you know when we’re ready to leave LO alone.” would be my go-to response.
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u/chunkybonks 19h ago
Sooo what was your MIL like as a DIL back in the day? Did she hang out with the paternal family???
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u/Glinda-The-Witch 17h ago
Honestly, you should talk to your husband and tell him how her comments make you feel and tell him that you’d like to have a conversation with her. I see no reason why you couldn’t say to her exactly what you wrote here. That her comments make you feel defensive and each time she says it she’s adding another brick to the wall between you and her.
And I think you need to have a couple of responses at the ready for when she says those things.
Would you repeat that? This one is especially good if there are other people around.
Did you intend to make a comment to manipulate (guilt) me or was that a mistake?
Did you intend to hurt my feelings? Then say absolutely nothing and just stand there in silence.
You can also simply tell her that when you need a babysitter, you will be happy to let her know.
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u/Repulsive_Weather341 1d ago
You need to trust your instincts, and be firm. I know a lot of people suggest being indirect but personally I’m all for being direct with people about how they are making you feel. Let her know exactly how she makes you feel, dont hold back. This gives her the chance to fix it, because next time something comes up and isn’t addressed you have given yourself the opportunity and justification to separate and de-center her from your life (YOUR life) and you dont have to say much.
You are your babies mother, the only one and you decide whats best for you and your baby. If your husband joins, great but you cant force him to be on your side (no justification for him but knowing this gives you peace of mind) you dont have to be around MIL and neither does your baby and the harder she pushes back the more she reveals herself.
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u/katsarvau101 22h ago
She wants you to leave your baby with her so she can get a do-over moment and play house with YOUR baby. That’s it. I’m very confident in that especially with her comments about sons leaving and daughters staying close . I mean, no one needs to bond with a newborn/infant/baby but their parents. It’s creepy and weird that she is so insistent, despite already having some time alone while you’ve run errands. Like, she’s had her turn already and needs to accept this is YOUR baby, not her second chance.
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u/artemiis84 19h ago
Anyone asking that would creep me out big time. Like, what do you want to do that can't happen in my presence? I wonder if people hear themselves sometimes.
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u/sometimesfamilysucks 17h ago
NO is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain. And tell her if you ever need her to watch your child you will ask her. If she keeps asking, keep repeating the same response. And then bring up to your husband you’re concerned his mother may be experiencing memory loss because she keeps repeating herself and she must not remember having the same conversation over and over. And suggest he talk to her about being assessed by her physician for early onset dementia.
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u/RodeoIndustryBaby 1d ago
Always remember, Grand's time with baby is a privilege - not a right. Privileges can be rescinded. You are never obligated to allow her time with baby. Especially if she is not supporting the choices you the parents have made for YOUR child. Unless you have a need alone time is absolutely not necessary for her. Just because ???? WTF?
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u/annonynonny 17h ago
Put it on your husband to shut this down and have a serious talk with your husband about why he chooses to prioritize appeasing his mom at your expense and allowing these pa comments. This is inappropriate of her but she feels it's allowed because no one is shutting her down. Your husband needs to be the one to shut her down. As for the alone time, anyone who asks for alone time with my kids doesn't get it. It's inherently weird and goes against my instincts. And my mil pushed incessantly for it with my first two. Now of course she probably isn't a dangerous person, but she still wants access to your children without you. Probably to walk all over boundaries and play mommy.
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u/ZXTINE 1d ago
You are not overreacting. If your instinct says not to allow that alone time, then the answer is “No, we are not doing that now.” Nine months is young to be pressing for that if it feels off. My MIL was the kind who constantly pushed, left the room with my baby, and generally tried to get her away. So the prize she won is that she has never watched or had alone time with our daughter. That’s on her. Stand up for what seems right!
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u/CheeseRavioli01 1d ago
What you tell MIL IF your husband sucks: “I know how much you love my baby. I am grateful to have you as their mil. However, right now as a first time parent, I need time with my baby. I am learning to let go but it’s really hard for me to be away. I bet it was hard for you as well with your kids. I just need a little patience and when I am ready, I will let you spend more time with baby.” You can say it but don’t need to follow through 🤭
To SO: “I understand your mother means well and loves our baby. However, right now I need you to help me with your mom. I know she wants to spend more time with baby alone but I am not ready for that yet. I need you to consider my feelings. It’s important. Maybe one day I will be open to your mother spending more time with baby alone but right now is not the time. Also, perhaps I would be a little more comfortable if your mom didn’t make the comments she made towards me (insert comments here). You might not mind but I do. She makes me uncomfortable. I need your support and need you to talk to your mom. If you do not support me in my time of need, I honestly do not know how this will impact our relationship. I don’t want to resent you or her. Please stand up for us.”
Your partner should stand by you no matter what. This whole thing about “but she is my mom” shit is dumb. You are his wife. You come first. Period.
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u/KatzAKat 1d ago
Trust your instincts, you have them for a reason. You might benefit from reading The Gift of Fear and then Protecting the Gift, both by deBecker. They are about learning to listen to and trust your instincts, the first book for yourself, the second book for your child.
Let your husband handle all communication with her and his relatives. They are his problem to deal with. That includes not bothering you about them. If he needs to rant or whine about them then he can find a therapist for that. You don't have to be the social secretary just because you're female. There is no "fair" or "equal" when it comes to your kids. There's respectful and disrespectful. Anyone who does not have a respectful relationship with both parents does not get any relationship with their children.
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u/justducky4now 1d ago
“MIL I had a child because I want to spend time with them. I’m not going to give up time with my child just because especially because they grow so fast. Stop asking, also you should be aware all your little passive aggressive comments are noticed and make me less inclined to be around you.”
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u/PerfectDepartment586 22h ago
This is a classic JNMIL symptom, and you are right for noticing the red flags. I am stumbling upon this so much in this subreddit - wanting that 1:1 time away from you with the baby. That to me is an attempt to compete with mom; especially coupled with her snarky remarks. Wanting baby to herself is as though she can't let go of her youthful capacity to mother a baby, although its not her place, and projecting it in this way. Absolute bananas. Mine does this too, and the more she insists on having the baby to herself, the more I push back and don't let her, at all, even if it means I sacrifice my own freedom and being able to do things I want to do.
And the remarks? So inappropriate. If these remarks continue, you have a husband problem as he needs to shut her down immediately. Right now she takes care of a baby, but soon enough when the baby is grown and understands language go figure what deceitful things she will put in baby's head against you (which she sounds very capable of, from what I gather)
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u/-tacostacostacos 19h ago
There is no positive reason or outcome for or to her request. It might not be an issue had she not asked, but the fact the fact that she’s insistent is a huge red flag.
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u/LolaDeWinter 23h ago
She had 'time alone with the baby' HER children, this is her grandchild, not her do-over baby, she gets to see the baby WHEN the child's Mother and Father agree.
If you like the woman plan to go over one afternoon a month, all of you, she can have some 'alone time with the baby' by that I mean HER SON (who she desperately wants to see) and supervised cuddle/play time with her grandchild! Once the child can speak and has some autonomy, you could consider dropping them off for the afternoon, up to you, seems like you like her, but the baby alone time is dead creepy! Hard no, trust your mom gut!
If she keeps suggesting you two leave when there with baby, tell her you will leave, but the baby is coming with their mom and dad. Make it quite clear that baby remains with you, and if this isn't good enough, we'll we still stop coming around MiL....!
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u/hotridergirl36 23h ago
Call her out gently if you’re getting along with her and tell her these statements are out of line because there’s no truth to them. You’re not obligated to leave your baby with her but if she keeps pushing the boundaries in what she says, then consequences will occur.
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u/madempress 1d ago
I think it is 100 % valid to be frustrated by her comments. Only you know how your husband is likely to react to attempts to talk about it, though.
Without knowing anything about him, all I can say is you should be able to tell him when her comments bother you, to start. Not a big production, but just "I feel frustrated when your mom says x."
If he is completely nonresponsive to her comments and does not engage, it may be better just to leave it at the I feel statements. If he isn't demanding you fix his mom's feelings when she complains and doesn't follow her schedule or anything, and basically just ignores her, just follow his lead.
You can tell her that the more she demands alone time with the baby, the creepier it gets, or you can ignore it and just make a point to be present. I would absolutely push back though, if your husband says 'sure mom.' Your child's schedule doesn't need to be dictated by Grandma Supreme, and there is no need to go out of your way to sacrifice time with baby so that she can have it. You don't have an issue leaving him with her when it is inconvenient, that is plenty. My husband and I (durprisingly) frequently explain to people that we like taking our child with us places, and leaving her with someone - especially since we already leave her at daycare to go to work all week - seems against the point. We want to be there when she does cool shit, any quality time anyone else wants with her can happen with us present.
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