Hi! MIL keeps buying plane tickets to come see the baby (9months) without discussing and agreeing with us the dates first. She does not stay with us when she comes here (stays with her parents), but wants to see the baby multiple times over the time period she's here. Therefore, feels like the dates should be agreed with us first.. She's done this four times now. When she comes, she also always "encourages" us to go out, because she "can watch the baby".. also wants to stay with the baby overnight, so frequently suggests us going to a spa resort for a weekend.. I agreed to this 3 times now, because I felt bad for my husband, I regret all three times. My husband does not think this is a big deal and wants to include his mom in the baby's life. He feels like it would be unfair if his mom did not get to stay with the baby overnight because my parents get to. Full honesty, I don't like my MIL, I think she's loud, impolite, and overbearing, and I don't want her staying alone with my son or visiting him too often. Advice on how to handle this?

Hi Reddit, I (26f) have a 9-month-old baby with my husband (26m). Overall, I get along with my MIL — she’s nice to me most of the time — but there are some things that have been making me uncomfortable.

She’s been very insistent about wanting me to leave the baby alone with her for a couple of hours, “just because.” I’ve already trusted her with my baby a few times when I had to do something (like going to the gym with my husband, or running errands). But now she keeps pushing for me to leave him with her even when there’s no reason, and honestly, I just don’t feel comfortable.

It’s not that I think she’d harm him, but I worry she’d do things I don’t allow yet (like giving him sweets, putting him in a walker, etc.). And I also just don’t want to. For me, that’s reason enough.

On top of that, she sometimes makes comments that bother me, like:

• Saying that it’s “ugly to be the paternal family” because daughters stay closer to their parents, but sons “leave and build their own life.” She’s repeated this many times in front of me.
• Joking that my husband is a “bad son” because he doesn’t visit her often, and then looking at me and saying, “You, I’m going to scold you.” (So basically blaming me for him not being around enough).
• Talking about her dream of having a property with three houses for her kids to live in — and saying, “Well, I’m sure my daughter’s husband would, but she (me) wouldn’t.”

These comments make me feel like she sees me as the one who’s taking her son and grandbaby away.

I don’t want to be unfair — she does care for us, and I know she loves the baby. But these things add up and make me feel defensive.

Am I overreacting for not wanting to leave my baby with her “just because”. How do I set this boundary without sounding rude or ungrateful? And how should I bring this up to my husband so he understands my feelings, without it turning into a fight about his mom?

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation?

Thanks in advance

After 5 years of no contact at all, MIL still can’t help herself but talk about me and spread false rumors.

Rumors: 1. Apparently I’ve been on social security disability for years (I’ve never been on it and she said she was going to turn me in after our marriage bc we were making too much and scamming the gov. wtf?)

1. Apparently I cannot have children because of the scars on my stomach from surgery as a child (also blatantly false and I CAN have children. Wtf?)

2. Apparently I don’t work, cook, clean or do anything productive (I’ve had the same job with amazing benefits for over a year now and do ALOT if not most of the housework. Does she think her baby boy shouldn’t contribute at all? He does).

Tonight my husband had enough. A family member told him that his mother was telling everyone falsities about me and he snapped. He unblocked his mother, called her every name in the book, told her to keep our names out of her mouth, that everything she is saying is untrue and that she will NEVER have the privilege of talking to him again.

In return she basically told him to “pull up” and threatened him. Told him to “leave that thing where she belongs at the house” when he does show up.

It probably wasn’t the best reaction, but we are SO SO tired of everything. We are exhausted. We just want to be left alone

This woman is insane. She has tried to get us fired from our jobs. She has called the SS administration on us apparently when we aren’t even withdrawing money? She has threatened us in every way and stalked us. To be honest, I am kind of in fear for my life. She has been know to physically assault people and stalk them. She’s been driving past our house all the time for years. She hit her own sister in the face and broke her nose just a couple years ago.

I wish we had the money and resources to move far away and escape because even though we hadn’t physically talked to her in years (except for when she cornered us in the store) she still will not leave us alone!!!

First-time poster, long-time lurker 👋🏼 issues w/ my JNMIL from pretty much the jump. Passive-aggressive comments about the frequency at which DH & I visit and/or the length of said visits. For context we live 5 hours away and have a 2 y/o. Rude comments about my weight, diet (I’m a vegetarian), and just generally obnoxious. She is a heavy smoker & we were very firm at time my child was born about her not being allowed to smoke prior to visiting & this turned into a huge blow-out between her & my husband “I guess you just don’t want me to meet my grandchild”, etc. Very emotionally immature & manipulative. Around this time she was diagnosed with cancer which has metastasized to several sites and she’s undergone various surgeries, chemo, radiation, and is stable but obviously not in good health. Unrelated but related to this story, I just found out I’m experiencing a miscarriage & it’s been a rough few days to say the least. This is unbeknownst to JNMIL as she’s not someone I’m close with or would confide in. Meanwhile she is texting DH about coming to visit to see our child. She told (not asked) him that she was going to come this weekend. I’m really not feeling up for this emotionally or mentally and really just want to be around my husband & child. Husband feels similarly. Told her it wasn’t a good time. She said “Thursday or Friday?”, husband again reiterated it just wasn’t a good time. She said “well I have to see her”… husband reiterated what he’d said in previous convo about inviting her to come next month. She said “Wednesday night?” Like truly talking to a toddler. Husband was firm and told her to please stop, it’s not a good time. She responded, “it’s my granddaughter and I’m very sick but I guess that’s what you want” 🤯 he then texted her back (with my blessing) to tell her the reason it’s not a good time is because we just learned of our miscarriage. He understands she’s sick & that’s why he planned for a visit next month but she needs to respect us and not tell us when she’s coming, but rather ask us. She responded “so sorry to hear that terrible news, well you don’t tell us anything that’s going on with you. Hope I’m well enough to make it next month for the visit.” Absolutely batshit. Not the first time she has weaponized her diagnosis, either.

The only real source of conflict in my marriage is my relationship with my in-laws. I find my MIL particularly difficult, and over the years it’s only gotten worse. I feel tense and uncomfortable in social situations with them (my FIL too, but to a lesser extent).

Meanwhile, my wife talks to her mum daily and now with our newborn she wants to see them 1–2 times a week (it used to be closer to once a fortnight). For me, that’s overwhelming.

I’m considering stepping back completely for a while, letting my wife keep seeing them, while I work through things in therapy. Has anyone else created that kind of distance — and did it actually help?

Just coming across this subreddit, and would love to know if there are others more specific to conservative Christian evangelical MILs/in-laws in general.

I've had a difficult time finding others who have experienced an in-law family who is manipulative, codependent, etc and hides behind the image of Christianity. For example, they have never explicitly said or done anything rude to me (because they would look bad), but there are so many subtle messages that I am not accepted by them (despite them saying they love me SO MUCH). I continuously get gifts from them that are either pink/girly clothes that are smaller than comfortable on me, or my MIL loves to gift me her Marykay makeup. When they insist on taking pictures at every gathering, they are so pushy about me being in the front so that I can be seen. (My MIL has physically grabbed my wrist to pull me into a picture - the only time anything overt like that has happened, yet she denies remembering it).

My sweet husband has fought the good fight, being honest and open with them about what has made me uncomfortable. My MIL "apologized" for "anything she could have possibly ever done to hurt me in any way" and proceeds to not understand. It seemed that this "apology" was her way of seeming like the bigger person, and can blame me for not moving on. She keeps praying about me giving them grace (sweeping it under the rug) without taking any real accountability. She continuously sends me unsolicited texts about how she's praying for me to have a "fantastic Friday", etc.

It's so hard to describe all these covert things because they look and sound so sweet to outsiders. And I think they genuinely believe they're doing the right thing. But it's so obvious to me at this point that it's manipulation and taking away my ability to consent. Any similar stories/other subreddits would be so appreciated. The gaslighting is so real 😅

We introduced our baby to MIL for the first time when he was about five and a half weeks old. She lives two hours away, and as soon as she saw the baby she kissed him. A short while later, she did it again while sitting on the couch. My husband and I told her calmly but firmly that this was not allowed. We explained that our boundaries are no kissing, no feeding, no changing, and no bathing.

She seemed confused, so we clarified. At that point, she mentioned that for the last five years she had assumed I was Jewish because we chose not to circumcise our son. I explained that I am not Jewish and that our decision was personal. She then asked if she could watch me change him because she wanted to see his uncircumcised penis. I told her directly that this was not appropriate and not something I was comfortable with.

The next morning, she looked me directly in the eyes and said she was going to kiss the back of the baby’s head, and then did so before I could respond. Both my husband and I reacted, took the baby, and left the room. We stayed away for a couple of hours, and when we returned we reaffirmed our boundaries. Since then, she has not asked to hold the baby or challenged us in any way.

That evening my husband spoke with her again and made it clear that if she crossed our boundaries, she would not be able to have a relationship with us. She listened quietly and said she was grateful for the opportunity to be present.

He also told her that while our baby is still a newborn we do not need help, but that may change in the future. She simply responded that she would be grateful for any opportunity, and that was how the visit ended.

Long rant incoming… apologies in advance.

I’ve never been the type to hate, or default to disliking a partner’s parents. There’s been some I’ve not got on with but it always turned out to be an SO problem (eg mummy’s boy) and less about them. However, my soon to be MIL is really upsetting me these days.

Just over a month ago, my lovely fiancé proposed. He’d told his family he was going to do it that night as we were out of the country. I wanted to enjoy a few private hours to bask in the newly engaged bliss , but because they knew it was happening they were blowing up his phone to a crazy degree. Like , 30 calls from his parents seconds apart. When he did speak to them he was stuck on the phone for ages, his parents drink quite a bit and forget what they/he have said and repeat things over and over. He proposed on a Sunday so by the time he was off the phone, there wasn’t even anywhere open to celebrate and I felt like the romance had been killed. They didn’t even speak to me, just to him.

I have been trying to be understanding because they have had a (very complicated in terms of their relationship with this person) bereavement in the family in the last few months. I can’t share too much without possibly adding identifying information but I was very supportive and sad for them. There’s been some ways it has been handled inappropriately which mirror my MILs behaviour throughout my fiancé’s childhood (expecting your children to be your therapists), and I feel it is unhealthy at this point. Every time someone has something positive to say, we are swiftly reminded of the ordeal the family has faced due to this bereavement. My fiancé and I have gone through some extremely difficult times medically in the last few years, and my family and our friends could not be happier that we have such a strong bond and are so in love and excited to be married!

Basically, we have not had any kind of celebration or acknowledgement of our engagement since that night. No card, no congratulations from his parents… nothing. His grandparents and my work colleagues have even sent cards and we’re not particularly close. Apparently his parents love me, but this whole thing is making me feel very unwelcomed and unwanted. My FIL is lovely but quite passive so probably wouldn’t take any action on this of his own accord.

I could go on and on about the ways his MIL has upset me and actually been quite offensive to me but this post would be extremely long. The current hurdle I am trying to navigate is that we have booked our wedding (a bit of a surprise, a dream venue that is sentimental became available at a good price and short notice), and we want to tell them first because we feel like we owe it to them. They don’t live that near to us and we always make the journey to them, not the other way around. They keep dodging coming over, and we just want to tell them the wedding date and the fact we’ve actually booked it in person. They said they could probably see us next mid November… we only live an hour away. What do we do?

Edit to add, my fiancé and I are disabled. Mine is life long and his is permanent effects from an accident that occurred just at the beginning of this year. As a result, travel is quite difficult for us and something positive to look forward to has been very few and far between as of late.

“It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen you- the longest in your life you’ve gone without seeing grandma!” dramatic sniffles and crying as she hugs my two year old like she hasn’t seen her in 12 years.

Oh stfu you miserable, useless woman. This is not only untrue, but also my daughter doesn’t give two flying effs about when she’s last seen you. You are a speck of dust in her life. You’ve done nothing but try to separate me from my daughter since she was born. You have two daughters of your own, plus three stepdaughters. Is that not enough? Fuck right off.

Are all MIL's narcissists? I hope not. I hope there are some wifes out there that have an amazing REAL and loving relationship with their MILs.

My DH and I have been married since 2019. We were married young, and unbelievable behavior from MIL started even before that.

I am still so hurt by what she did on our wedding day and leading up to the day.

When my husband and I announced we were engaged, she immediately wanted to be very involved in all things wedding planning.. Which was fine, at first, though most of the planning I did with my mom and grandmother, and traditionally, the bride's side pays for most things!

She demanded that we'd have a special mother son dance just for her and my husband (not that out of the ordinary, but the way she asked for it was very demanding and overbearing...) When we'd meet up together she would ONLY talk to my husband about some of her ideas and would act as though I wasn't there with them. It was very uncomfortable and frustrating. When she brought up wanting to pay for a bar tender for our wedding, I thanked her, declined, explained very clearly that we will have a champagne bottle and 2 types of beer at the venue for people to enjoy, and that we didn't want to have a ton of drunk people at our venue and keep it low key. I also have people in our family who don't do well with alcohol and again ITS OUR WEDDING and we wanted to keep it some what calm and classy.

When it came time for my husband to try on his suite, she threw a fit that she wasn't invited (we had to do it on a day we were both off of work and she had to work, so we sent her pictures, and she still was pissed that we didn't wait. My husband explained there was a time crunch.)

Come wedding day:

I will summarize the series of events that unfolded:

MIL and her parents, and husband (who is an ex cop) brought copious amounts of HARD liquor and began drinking the alcohol as well as allowing her 4 underaged step kids and son to get extremely drunk. My husbands little brother (I believe 18 or 19 at the time, and his best man, was so drunk that he started vomiting in the bathroom, the other boys also getting drunk and puking on the way home. When it came time to leave the venue, she was hanging on my husband's arm for dear life drunkenly begging him not to leave, said you need to stay longer and party with us while I waited furiously to let his arm go so we could leave the venue together.

Husband and I left for our honeymoon shortly after, and when we returned, she came over to our house to "discuss things" and out of no where exploded and started blaming us for treating her horribly leading up to the wedding, at the wedding she said that we "placed her and her family "behind" my family on purpose, as if we intended to disrespect them (which was absolutely un true ) but she said someone came up to her (a known person to cause drama) and was like "why are you guys all seated back here and not closer to the head table?) It literally was 1 table away from ours we just needed to scoot them back a smidge because a beam was in the way of where their table was originally supposed to be. After explaining this and showing her the original set up for tables she didn't believe me still. I was so in shock and my husband at the time was petrified by her so I ended up apologizing to her and didn't even think to bring up the drinking thing at the time I was 21 and very much a people pleaser/peace-maker type of person. So after I apologized she treated us "nicer" for a while, we saw them on and off, absolutely no mention of the wedding ever again.

Fast forward to today: Any time my husband and I attend a wedding, I feel so heart broken and feel our day was hijacked by her and her selfishness. She wanted the wedding to be more about her and her "helping us" rather than celebrating our union. I am just so hurt by her. We recently had another falling out, and she said "we need to seem ok with each other so I can see my grandchildren." That also absolutely crushed me because I thought after these last 7 years or so we actually had a decent relationship that we both seemed to be working hard on. But as soon as I stood up to her she exploded on me again, played the victim, even though she had been undermining my parenting, acting like a 3rd parent along with my husband and I.

The whole 3rd parenting thing is so bizarre to me. She doesn't know her place and doesn't respect us so we told her and her husband we no longer want a close relationship with them (It was always tense and their "love" always felt conditional) so it's not like we're losing out on a lot....

But we also want them to have relationships with our children because we feel its not fair to keep our children away from a possible decent relationship with their grandparents...

My 3 questions: How in the world do I heal from all this hurt from her

And 2: How in the world do I stand up to someone who terrifies me with her narcissistic tendencies and fake-ness/play pretend that she actually likes me

And 3: How do we ensure that our kids have an ok relationship with them (MIL and her husband) while protecting ourselves and our kiddos from any kind of abuse? Is it even possible?

Years of conflict with my JNMIL came to a head last Christmas. Long story short she has been gossiping about me behind my back for years with my SIL (calling me fat while I was post partum with an infant and still breastfeeding, saying I’m not ambitious enough for my husband because I’m a SAHM even though she was too, questioning my parenting decisions and saying I’m not doing right by my son for doing things like choosing to wean from breast milk onto goat instead of cow and avoiding food dyes) on top of the death by a thousand cuts I’ve been experiencing for years. I have asked for her to apologize for these comments and her attitude towards me throughout the years for us to move on to try and have a somewhat normal conversation. I am not demanding this be in person or even over the phone (we live in different states); a text message is fine. There has been 0 acknowledgment of this situation for the past 10 months.

She has had a very traumatic life, with a narcissistic and emotionally neglectful mother and losing a child to a drunk driver after they had had a big fight (so their last conversation was not positive and that weighs on her). My husband agrees with me that an apology is warranted but has told me basically all her trauma has lead her to see anything “less bad” than what she’s experienced as not a big deal and doesn’t need to be addressed.

I’m wondering how much grace you would give in this situation. I’ve offered to travel to their home to facilitate this apology even though I have previously said I did not want to go back until she said sorry. But I’m wondering if I’m being too harsh and should consider that her life has been much harder than mine has. What would you do in my shoes?

DH and I have been married 15 years. Over the years my JNMIL has essentially been all about herself. She’s the best cook, she’s the best at her job, social media posts are either selfies of her or posts about HER husband or HER children. Never names, just “my husband” or “my child.” She often “misremembers” situations that wind up somehow being the fault of my husband- and her expectation is for him to grovel to maintain a relationship with her and FIL. He’s at his breaking point.

She has isolated herself and my FIL essentially from everyone else socially. It’s always the same cycle. They make friends, they are obsessed with these new people, something happens, and then friends are cut off for good. Blame always falls on the friends.

It’s become more evident to DH over the years the amount of gaslighting and manipulation she uses while they interact. He never sees her enough, she never hears from him, it would be nice if he stopped by once in a while, etc. Recently things have escalated because DH has decided to call her out on it all. She stops communicating with him and will just go to post photos of him as a child on social media as some kind of guilt tactic. He blocked her.

I want to be supportive of him and I do support his recent actions- I’m proud he’s trying to set boundaries and preserve his sanity. I’ve always been very LC with her. Never an issue with FIL but he doesn’t seem to want a relationship with us if she’s not involved- my assumption is she guilt trips and gaslights him too.

I also don’t want to force DH to cut her off completely until he’s ready. I feel like this needs to be his decision and I won’t ever want him to feel like I’m pressuring him. Right now I’m just listening, validating his feelings, and trying to be his safe space where he can vent however he wants.

Does anyone have any additional advice on how to help support DH when he’s on the verge of making this really big decision to go NC?

This is just a general vent because I'm feeling some kind of way today. Husband and I celebrated 10 years married recently. We got crickets from his family... Meanwhile when their other sibling celebrated 9 years earlier this year, it was a huge deal.

So here's a list of things MIL has said to me in the last 10 years, in no particular order

• "my daughter doesn't spend all her time cleaning her house like you do. She's an amazing mom."
  
• "stop being anxious in front of your kids. You're going to ruin them" . She then mocked me for 5 minutes straight while chasing me down the beach after I asked her to stop and to leave me alone.
• Husband was telling his siblings how his wedding band was lost and likely stolen. Mil hears, looks at me and says "he didn't lose it. He gave it to me".
• anytime I've asked my husband for help with something in front of her "HE DOES ENOUGH"
• me asking my son to use his indoor voice, mil responds with "you don't tell him what to do. He's a boy.. he's the boss"
• told a room full of people "your tongue must be too big for your mouth. That's why you're so lippy". I had not even spoken to her once aside from a "hi how are you?"
• daughter was crying, I was about 5 months pregnant. I picked up my daughter to comfort her. Mil stands up in front of a room full of people I barely know and says "I hate to be THAT mother in law, but should you really be picking her up in your state?"
• Telling me to butt out when I asked my son, very nicely, to stop yelling. "YOU BUTT OUT HES JUST PLAYING AND YOU NEED TO BUTT OUT"
• I asked her not to remove the baby's hat off their head because it was hot out and he's very light skinned. She said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but he is white like us" FYI ALL... I am not white 🥴😐 so the "like us" does not include ME.... The mother of said baby.
• I asked for a cookbook from the country my family is from for Christmas. She told me "no more (name of country). You need to learn to make our food. You need to make bologna stew and gravy". this was played off as a joke but like.... It's not funny. At all.
• nephew was messing things up in our home. I politely and kindly asked nephew to please stop. Mil stood up from the couch and yelled at me in front of everyone for upsetting her grandson and then going over and comforting him. " He's not used to being spoken to like that you can't speak to him like this" . He was not upset. I went up stairs with the baby and didn't come down until they left. It was Christmas. I was 2 months post partum. I hosted. I bawled.
• went around my house at a gathering and told the kids "auntie (my name) is no fun!" I don't know why she was saying this....
• was talking with a friend about how I'd love to someday take my kids for their first tattoo and how I just don't want them to get anything stupid or tattoo their faces or necks. My mil looked at me and said "what do you know about which tattoos are stupid?" while staring at my tattooed arms. One of my tattoos is a memorial tattoo for my dead daughter 😐
• after my daughter was stillborn, MIL told me "it's ok. She's in heaven now with God. He needed her". She huffed and walked away when I told her that God didn't need my baby more than I did.
• her brother and sil were in town visiting. She pointed at me and said "my son is married to that one". My husband actually heard this and called her out.

He has spoken to her about her behaviour and is finally starting to see how she actively isolated me and has turned her daughters against me. It's been fun.

This is also not the full list and also doesn't include the passive aggressive shit she's done. It is not a coincidence that 99% of these things were said when my husband was not with me, or not within earshot. I just really feel like I needed to vent today.

Edit to add I don't give permission for this to be shared or posted anywhere else please!!

I’m NC with my MIL and FIL (see prior post for context). My husband still texts and calls them, and he and our kids still see them twice a year, even though it always makes my husband really stressed out to be around them.

MIL made wildly inappropriate comments about my SIL to my husband, but I feel that is my SIL’s story to tell, and too private for me to share here. It reinforced my desire (and my SIL’s) to remain NC.

During the most recent visit, MIL and FIL were both cruel to our 13yo son, H: they kept losing things (her fan, his phone, his hat), and then accused our son of stealing and hiding them, which he absolutely did not.

Now, our 13yo is absentminded, but never malicious. Early on in the trip, H had been playing with his 11yo brother M’s fidget toy, stuck it in his pocket, and forgot he did it. M went looking for the toy, and eventually found it in H’s laundry bag. H apologized, and that should have been the end of it. H and M get along great.

Then, FIL lost his phone and couldn’t find it anywhere. He went around blustering about it. 13yo H saw the phone right on the coffee table, picked it up, and laughingly said, “Uh, is this it?” (H was laughing bc the phone was right in plain sight.) FIL then got angry at H for stealing the phone, despite H’s protests, and even after my husband told him to cut it out. They refused to believe H that he had not done it.

Later, when MIL misplaced her fan, and FIL misplaced his hat, they were both absolutely convinced that 13yo H had stolen the items and was hiding them from them, and got angry at him again. 13yo H and 15yo T laughed a couple times during the accusations, since the situation was so absurd. There are only so many times H could explain that it wasn’t him.

They just would not drop it, for days, to the point that my husband yelled at them to cut it out and left the dinner table to cool off.

When the kids came back home, 13yo H told me, “That was the first time an adult has not believed me, and thought I did something bad when I didn’t.” I could tell he felt really bad that his grandparents didn’t trust him and had repeatedly gotten angry at him for things he didn’t do.

About a week after the trip, MIL sent 13yo H a text, saying she “knew” he had taken and hidden their things, and that it would mean a lot to her if he would text FIL and apologize.

We discussed with H potential responses (“I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do,” “It hurts my feelings that you don’t trust me,” or just silence). H ended up deciding to just not respond to the text. Poor kid.

We talked to H about it, trying to make him feel better. We reassured him that they do really love him, and they are getting older and clearly a bit paranoid and are not as logical as they used to be.

…The truth is, though, my husband told me privately that they seem just as mentally with it as ever. I guess they are just illogical and paranoid people.

So sad that they made their own grandson feel this way. At least he is old enough, and has enough close and extended family members who treat him well, that it colors his relationship with them but doesn’t touch his sense of self.

Now they have invited themselves for Thanksgiving. I am going to check into a hotel for Thursday and Friday nights while they hang out with my husband and the kids, and then we will have our family Thanksgiving meal on Saturday without them there. (They always stay at a hotel when they visit, we don’t have space for guests.) Husband warned them that they could not see him or the kids that night, so they are prepared for that. Hopefully they either apologize to H, or at least have the good sense not to bring it up again.

Edit: I plan to invite H to join me at the hotel, no guilt, pressure, or judgment whatever he decides.

Edit: This is only the 4th time in 17 years that their bad behavior has involved one of the kids. 1st: FIL wouldn’t stop speeding and taking wrong lane in mountain drive when I was 7 months pregnant, although husband and I both asked and told him to stop. That is the last time he has driven with any of us in the car. 2nd: MIL and FIL kept holding our first baby’s face in direct sunlight for pictures, even after I asked them to stop, causing the baby to get his first sunburn. We are not such pushovers now, and wouldn’t let anything like that happen again. 3rd: MIL gave our son the silent treatment when he asked her to go look at the stars with him, bc she was mad at the adults. This was the 4th. Their bad behavior does not usually target the kids, in other words - and we have taken steps to ensure the kids’ safety.

Update: Just talked to H again about it, asking him if he wants to join me at the hotel during MIL’s and FIL’s stay. He asked me if I thought they would bring it up again, and I told him that his dad was already planning on making them promise not to ever bring it up again. He said he only wants to spend time with them if they make that promise. Totally fair.

Second update, husband texted his parents the following:

“I do need to talk to you about something before the Thanksgiving trip. It’s about the incident in which dad lost his phone and his hat and mom lost her fan, and (H) got falsely accused of stealing or hiding them. He did not do any of that - it’s not up for debate. It was why I got so mad and left the restaurant. He did not do those things. We thought it was ridiculous that they got accused of it repeatedly and then you even asked for an apology. This was even after I told you he didn’t do it. Regardless of what you think actually happened (again, not up for debate), if I told you he didn’t do it, you cannot go around me and ask him for an apology. He feels really really bad about being falsely accused, and that you didn’t trust him when he said he didn’t do it. He will stay at the hotel with (wife) when you are here for Thanksgiving unless you promise me not to ever bring it up again or repeat this behavior. I’ll leave it up to you if you want to apologize to him. I know you think he did it, so I doubt he could expect an apology from you… but he does deserve one.

You might want to ask yourself what’s more likely- misplacing something in a foreign environment, or your grandson being malicious and then lying about it. If you HONESTLY think the second case is more likely, that’s fine.

Please let me know if that’s the case, and he will make the choice to not be around you.”

MIL responded: “I don’t think my grandson is malicious. At the worst a teenage prank. Nonetheless, I will apologize to them if they did not play a prank and hide those things.”

Husband: “Yeah uhm I think I said 3 times in that long text that they didn’t do it. and again I’m not really trying to have a discussion about it.”

MIL: “No more discussion. I will apologize to them. So will dad if you like. It will not be mentioned again.

This is so puzzling to me because our family has always been full of love.

And forgiveness.”

I then broke NC to text MIL, FIL, and my husband in a group text:

“You both repeatedly accused H of both stealing and lying about it, over a period of of a full week, for something he and his father over and over again told you he absolutely didn’t do.

That is not loving or forgiving. You failed to give H the respect, trust, and love that he deserves. Even if you believed he did it, you should have respected their father enough to handle it as their parent, and let it go.

Trusted adults accusing a child of doing something that they didn’t do, and refusing to believe them when they tell you they didn’t do it, is, in fact, damaging and extremely hurtful.

This is the first AND LAST time that you will EVER target any of our kids with your verbal abuse. I will not permit anyone to harm our kids.

The instant my husband and I together decide that you are not a positive influence in our kids’ lives is the moment you will not see them again, at least not as underage children.

Our #1 priority is to protect and defend our kids. We will not have them bullied by anyone, family or not!

Thanks in advance for choosing to be civilized, kind, and respectful adults, going forward.

Please also do not text any of our kids unless it is 100% positive content, or you will be blocked from their phones.”

My MIL is the archetypal boundary-disregarding not-matriarch a lot of this group comes here to commiserate about. So I thought you all might appreciate this recent development.

She’s recently announced that she is going to publish her autobiography. At first, I was baffled — she doesn’t read books, writing has never been a hobby, and she’s dyslexic, so she avoids reading (and learning) like the plague. I was even more confused because she has no career, no track record of accomplishments, and isn’t exactly a deep thinker.

It turns out she’s planning to pay a ghostwriter to do it for her, based on the advice of “no less than 18 psychics” who have told her she has a book to give the world. One of them even referred her to the ghostwriting company. She’s funding this vanity project with money her husband inherited after the death of his mother — which adds a layer of tragic irony to the whole thing (realizing as I’m writing this).

As for the content, it’s a grab bag of disconnected topics she rattled off: a childhood near-death experience, her motherhood journey, her relationship with food, and something called the Violet Flame. When asked how these fit together, she shrugged and said, “That’s the ghostwriter’s job to figure out.” I looked into the Violet Flame and discovered it’s a New Age self-help concept rooted in theosophy — a mishmash of Eastern philosophy, occultism, and Western mysticism from the late 1800s that spread into fringe cult-like spiritual movements in the 20th century. Think crystal healing, Atlantis energy grids, and alien “truths.” So now I know in the course of MIL’s dabbling, she’s picked up some ideas that are pretty far fringe.

Now we have the task of making sure boundaries are respected in print. My spouse wants nothing to do with the book and to be dragged into a narrative where MIL parades her “glorious motherhood” while the reality is years of emotional damage she’s worked to recover from. And under no circumstances is our daughter to appear in it — no names, no details, no photos. Period.

So yeah. That’s on the to-do list this week.

So I watched that Unknown number: high school catfish documentary and I said to my "well, at least my mom had the balls to insult me to my face" lol. The amount of times she called me fat and ugly to my face.

There was one time (a loong time ago, in my 20s when I used to live with her) she was going off calling me fat (I was average - I was fitting into a small-medium size clothing at the time) then, I went to get take out food - Pad Thai, this particular restaurant serves A LOT for what is priced like the container could barely click shut. She said "that's a lot of food, give me some" bitch didn't even ask. Just "give me some" and i said "no, I'm fat remember? I have to eat all of it" lmao

I'm surprised she didn't threaten me for that.

Today was my first Father’s Day.

First off, we weren’t supposed to see my MIL or FIL today. The plan was for my wife, baby, and I to do our own thing, and for MIL and FIL to have their own plans. But somehow, as usual, they managed to twist things so it worked out their way.

Apparently their original plans “fell through”. Then, right on cue, they casually floated the idea of “catching up in the afternoon.” My wife tentatively agreed, which left us with no real time to do anything for ourselves. And before we’d even properly agreed to a time or place, they were already on their way to a venue near us. When we suggested changing the venue to somewhere more suitable, we got there only to find — surprise! — they were already there, waiting. Incredible.

And from there, it only went downhill. The very first thing MIL says is that she should have gone to the markets with her daughter this morning — like it would’ve been fine for me to be by myself on my first Father’s Day. Great start. When I asked, “What would I have done?” she literally shrugged, threw her hands up, and gave me this I don’t care look.

Then she brings up her favourite topic - that my parents divorced when I was 10. I’m 35 now, but she just can’t wrap her head around it. She asks, in this loaded way, if I’d seen my dad today. (I actually saw him two days ago because I wanted Father’s Day to just be about me, my wife, and my son.) Then she pushes, “Have you seen your stepdad?” When I said no, she guilt-tripped: “Ohhh why not?”

And then the kicker: “Well, he’s been more of a father than your own dad has been.” Which is total crap. My dad is a great dad, I grew up 50/50 with him. But because she’s never dealt with divorce, she acts like she’s morally superior.

She also loves to bring up how my mum and stepdad lived overseas for a couple of years. Every single time, she goes through this whole confused act: “Wait, was that your stepdad or your dad?” Then she tries to dig into how much time I spent with my dad: “So what, you just saw him every other weekend?” Like she wants to corner me into admitting I barely saw him so she can declare, “See? Your stepdad was more of a father.”

She gets my dad’s and stepdad’s names mixed up constantly, but it feels performative — like she just can’t possibly comprehend my family situation because, in her mind, divorce equals damaged. She clearly loves that narrative.

So yeah. My first Father’s Day wasn’t about me being a dad. It was about MIL manipulating the day to suit herself, then tearing down my family so hers could seem superior.

TL;DR: im at the point with MIL where i recognize the manipulation happening in the moment, know what to say to "brush it off" in the moment but cant stop dwelling or feeling bad about it after. How do I stop it from making me feel so bad? we are in the process of moving out but it may take a few more months to get it all settled

We live with my in laws but various work/medical reasons we stay with my family in their home most of the week. We are working on moving in with my family which is what was supposed to happen in the first place...and a big "i told you so" moment for me with DH. Another post for another day, but basically MIL manipulated us into moving in despite our best interests. She told us theyd be on the street without our financial contribution. It wasnt until I moved in that i realized how truly horrible she was and untrue that was. her and FIL spend money like its water so that was a huge lie. Meanwhile my husband and i struggle to come up with the rent.

Ive since learned how to read her and respond in a way that doesnt get a reaction out of her. Think teenage girl meltdowns complete with foot stamping and pouting. But then afterwards I'm emotionally drained and cant stop working myself up about it.

For example today she tells me "I had to stop myself from getting so upset you guys weren't here all week (pout)....I really miss you when youre gone (arms crossed)...even if I dont come down and hang out I like just knowing youre under our roof (stomp stomp)....I really had to talk myself out of being so upset because I know if you were here and something happened where you got hurt because you passed out it would be so sad (pout)." In the moment I just said "yeah its been hard on everyone" even though I know she was fishing for me to tell her i was proud of her or something.

Another example from earlier, she hated labubus and wouldnt stop going on about how ugly and demonic they were blah blah blah...until I got one, and now they've "grown on her" and she has to collect them all. In the week weve been gones bought 10, over retail price, and isnt even sure id they are real. She is burning money trying to collect the secret ones, and all of a certain set, and get all of the accessories and thats all my fault for introducing her, she says. Meanwhile the one i had was a gift, that my husband traded some stuff we had to get for me because he knew I wanted that one but we cant afford to spend money on things that aren't a necessity. She told me I should feel bad for her and spent the whole time pouting that she doesnt have her secret yet and keeps buying fake ones. Ive been out of steady work for months and my husband had to take a loan to pay them rent this month, but yeah I should feel sorry for her right? Because of the labubu being the wrong color or whatever?

Its been a few hours and I cant shake how annoyed I am. She does this stuff to get a reaction out of me, so I dont give her the satisfaction..but then im shaking with anger afterwards thinking of all the things I wanted to say. I just want to go NC but thats difficult while we still live here.

I’m so over the subtle comments/digs/emotional manipulations, the pouting and sulking, the looks, etc. I try to stay above it but it ruins our special moments. My JNMIL is emotionally enmeshed with my husband so much that she despises that he protects me in the ways her husband never did. He protects me from vicious, vile women in the family who disrespect me. JNFIL never did. She threw a huge tantrum when we set postpartum boundaries that led to my DH siblings disowning him (yea, it was THAT bad). She texts DH to ask how we are but won’t respond until he asks how she is. She gets offended that he doesn’t ask enough or know everything about her life these days. She bought a vacation home right before I gave birth and expects us to drive the 3 hours up there with our baby when we are not comfortable around them after their tantrums and emotional manipulating. She was staring at me as I was keeping an eye on my baby who was getting passed around the women in the family today.. as if im not allowed to be a mother. It’s exhausting. How do we deal?

If you remember my stories, I’m the one with the 92-year-old mother-in-law who had a meltdown when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. She wanted to be on equal footing with me during that time. She was upset that he didn’t want her at the hospital, and he was uncomfortable with her love-bombing. As he began to pull away, she became increasingly critical and berating.

I had no idea what was coming. As my husband's health deteriorated further, his mother took every opportunity to make him feel guilty and useless. “You used to come over,” she’d say — even though he’s now essentially housebound. “You used to help me,” she’d remind him — ignoring how sick he’s become. It was all about her: Me, me, me… love me more. “I am your mother.” “Why do you hate me?”

I tried to step in and help so that it would take some pressure off my husband. Her dementia was making her life a mess — she fell for every scam, and then would call, screaming for help. I counted 70 text messages in a week and multiple phone calls a day, all asking for help with problems she had created herself. Meanwhile, I was working full-time and caring for my husband. She would show up unexpectedly, crying about being shut out of our lives. If you remember, I host all the holidays and birthdays, while my brother-in-law lives 1,000 miles away and feeds into her beliefs — like insisting she didn’t need to give up driving, and that we were only encouraging it so she’d end up in a nursing home.

I started helping with her banking — and you can probably see where this was heading. I had all the responsibility and no power. Everyone agreed she needed a power of attorney, and even the bank was exhausted from her driving there three times a day to reset her online password or print out a statement. She would not name a POA, especially not me , it needed to be blood and only my husband would do.

As I got more involved, she began accusing me of hiding her purse so she couldn’t drive, changing passcodes to lock her out of her accounts, stealing her safe keys, and trying to take her money. Every time, the missing items were eventually found somewhere in her home, tucked away or hidden — only for her to say, “You must have put it there.” She became convinced I was getting into her house, so she changed the garage codes, replaced the locks on the doors, and even started locking interior doors.

It was like she split me into two people: the evil daughter-in-law she distrusted, and the one she wanted to go to lunch with, hang out with, and take her to doctor’s appointments — all while telling other family members I was trying to steal from her. I put up with all of it because she’s my husband’s mother, and she was clearly showing signs of dementia. She asked me to help with her banking, and we agreed to add my name to a couple of her accounts. But just days later, she closed the accounts and told others I had forced her to do it.

The final straw came when I couldn’t get into her garage. She’s extremely hard of hearing, so no amount of pounding on the door or calling her phone could get her attention. Remember, I’m the one she always called to come over and help — and I’ve always entered through the garage using a clicker or the outside keypad. I thought the keypad was broken or needed new batteries. She watched me struggle for 30 minutes, and just as I was about to call the garage door company, she threw a piece of paper at me with the new code.

I was so embarrassed by the lengths she went to in order to keep me out, even as she continued to beg for my help. Thankfully, my husband’s cousins have now stepped in and are helping coordinate her care and arrange in-home support.

One of my husband’s cousins asked her why she had locked her house up like Fort Knox, and she said it was because I was getting in and stealing from her. They told me she had clearly targeted me — everything was blamed on me or somehow my fault. Even when the doctor recommended she stop driving, or when she spilled something, she blamed the mess on me. And I haven’t even been in her home for over a month.

They’ve encouraged me to go no-contact because she is still threatening to call the police or take me to court whenever she misplaces anything. My husband has limited contact and would prefer to never see her again...harsh but she drains what little strength he has left.

I’ll post our last text messages in another post — I think they prove she knew exactly what she was doing all along. I kept excusing her behavior because of her decline, but I realize now that I shouldn’t have. No matter what I did over the past 40 years, she harbored a deep distrust, hatred, and jealousy toward me. I constantly reflect on why I put up with it for so long, and why I felt obligated to stay and help, even as she abused me.

And when I say "narcissistic", I don't mean it as a medical diagnosis. I mean it in the sense of extreme entitlement, delusions of being worthy of special treatment for no reason, lack of regard for the feelings and rights of others, lack of remorse, and hostility whenever confronted.

We are low-contact with JNMIL. LO is 3 years old. We already got a book about body boundaries, but I want books on all facets of narc behavior. I'm only learning myself in therapy and adult books. I was basically raised to be a low self-esteem people pleaser, which JNMIL exploited.

It's been over a month since my last update and a lot has happened.

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/iLps0l2tFu

My fiancé finally told all of his close friends about what has been going on (they've been completely in the dark that his parents had a bad reaction to our engagement). They all know his parents and a lot of them grew up with them. They all have good relationships with their families and in laws and yet were still very understanding.

I can tell this helped my fiancé feel a lot better. Especially hearing how his friends even waited to share their engagement (not telling their parents their plans to propose either) and their entire family only expressed joy in response to the announcement. His best friend told him FMIL's behavior is enough to warrant cutting her out. I'm glad he was able to talk to his friends because I know that's something they all struggle to do together and it seemed to have brought them all closer.

On to not so great news, my fiancé's uncle called him to invite us to his house warming party. My fiancé told him we couldn't go because we already had plans (which is true). His uncle responded with "are you sure it's not because you have family drama." So I guess his parents told everyone what happened. We don't know what they told people but I'm sure it wasn't the full story. His uncle told my fiancé that he always thought FMIL was "batshit crazy" (that made me laugh) but was it worth going no contact for. He went on to say he thinks a lot of people in their extended family is crazy but he puts up with it so everyone can be together.

Their extended family does have crazy people. Don't get me started on his aunt who wouldn't congratulate us on our engagement because apparently she's always had a crush on my fiancé and would flirt with him every time she saw him. I don't understand the logic of "but they're family and it's better we all stay together." Plus I think it's easier for his uncle to say that since in the scenario with my fiancé parents, we're dealing with the crazy, he isn't. Also apparently FMIL "knows what she did is wrong and regrets it." Interesting because she told us the opposite and hasn't reached out to make amends.

On to the update about FFIL and FMIL. FMIL has been sending mean texts to my fiancé saying what a bad person he is (she sounds really regretful right). It was also recently my fiancé's birthday and they sent him a gift with a generic birthday card. Still taking no accountability or apologizing.

Lastly, my fiancé spoke to FSIL. They've been speaking a lot about the situation with their parents but in a recent conversation it came out that FSIL thought we would eventually "forget or forgive what happened." That rubbed us the wrong way. My fiancé made it clear that wasn't going to happen and that the only way he would entertain a relationship with them is if they took accountability and changed their behavior.

Given all the recent events, my fiancé isn't planning to reach out to his dad anytime soon and wants to remain NC with this parents. I hope his parents can finally get the hint and things don't get too crazy with his extended family. I'm not sure how I feel about FSIL now that her true feelings have come out. To her benefit, she didn't know about the mean messages FMIL was sending until the most recent call.

I appreciate all the support this community has provided. I did want to share updates since my fiancé is doing great and isn't folding to his mom's tactics. I know a lot of people were concerned about that in the beginning but I'm so proud of him. Please show him lots of love! And if anyone is wondering if it's possible for their SO to see the light without taking years/destroying their relationship, it definitely is!

Any advice on how to handle the situation with his sister and the extended family is welcomed and appreciated!

I do not give my consent to have this read or reposted anywhere.

I (40sF) have a stepmother I will call Brenda. Brenda married my dad after my mom passed. She's actually quite pleasant and empathetic, until she... isn't. I'm not going to armchair diagnose her, except to say that I actually do think she means well, and tries fighting some of this behavior. That doesn't change the fact that she's done and said the things she's done and said.

A while ago, I was telling Brenda about a book I was writing. She then went to critique my ability to write, based less on my writing and more what she perceives to be true of me. I stopped writing it. Which I realize was my own choice, in letting her get to me. I shouldn't have. But the point is, she dampened my spirits for a while.

I was in a toxic work situation. While she sympathized, at one point she said, "sometimes I think you subconsciously make mistakes at work out of defiance." Um. What kind of thing is THAT to say?

Most recently, we were all hanging out. I started to tell a funny story, mentioning a restaurant we'd all been to as it was related. Brenda insists I'd never been. I tell her, yes, I have. She and my dad started arguing about whether or not I'd been, with her getting really upset. I think she thought I actually went with my mom when she was alive, and felt like I was comparing them or something. This actually can't be true, because if she'd actually let me finish what I was saying, she'd know it was definitely her.

The funny/sad thing is, I actually like her a lot - when this sort of thing doesn't happen. When Brenda listens, she really does listen. She's helped me learn a lot of things about myself. But then she does and says hurtful things. Or just completely overreacts to innocent comments and questions.

I've already decided to try liming personal stories. But that also makes it hard for me to stay on my guard with getting personal, not to mention I obviously want to talk to my dad about things, and she's almost always there. (They're one of those couples who won't do much apart.)

I'm really not really sure how to handle her overreacting to what was meant to be a funny anecdote. Do I just not tell funny stories with her around? That seems like a bummer, but maybe it's necessary. Or maybe I just need to accept she might fly off the handle at any moment.

Before anyone asks, I'm an only child, so I don't have any siblings to navigate this with. I would love to know what my stepsiblings would have to say, but obviously I can't ask them. She's their mom. They have to defend her. Anyway, if she found out I was badmouthing her, that would make things even worse. (I'm nervous just posting this here.)

Anyone have any advice? Similar experiences?

this happened months ago to preface :). i (23f) and my husband (21m) have been dating since 2017, it was long distance with occasional visits to each other until i got pregnant with our daughter. i moved up to him and we began our life. i NEVER liked his mother. like never ever, the first time i met her she picked him up from our hang out DRUNK. as soon as he turned 18 she quit her job and just day drank ALL DAY which resulted in him moving in with his grandmother due to her eviction and deciding to live in her car until we signed our lease. she is NC with both of her other sons and their spouses, so when that was brought up I KNEW. we moved into our apartment and she immediately talked about moving in. i originally said no, but i allowed it so he could see she was horrid. she never had a job , never helped us with bills AND WAS MAKING HERSELF A HOME IN WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR CHILD'S NURSERY. she overstepped boundaries and was incredibly disrespectful. bad mouthed her other children and said vile things about their wives. i overheard her on the phone telling her friend how my husband and i had a lot of sex ( weirdo. ). well, one day she began a rant about how he wouldn't buy her cigarettes and he laid into her about how disrespectful she was, how ungrateful she is and how she was in his child's nursery. she brought me up and i SNAPPED. she tried to say i don't financially help and when she was pregnant she did it all ( congrats? sorry he takes care of me. ) and then, oh it gets better, called me a whore because of my outfit and said she'd break me over her knee if i wasn't pregnant ( i'd love to see her try, i have about 4 years of boxing under my belt and she has years of health conditions due to drinking ). my husband PICKED HER UP BY THE SHIRT and proceeded to throw her out of our apartment. we have been NC for 4 months and thriving. does anyone else have stories like this? i'd love to hear them 😂