Hi, I'm the person who's MIL overstayed during my out of town work trip, and she left a few days into my absence.

I tried to put this all out of my head while I was away, and even prioritized going to a farmers market and getting DH some local souvineers I thought he'd enjoy. I did my job, did it well, and got back late Sunday night/Monday morning.

I went to work on Monday, fell asleep pretty much instantaneously once I was home, and had the conversation with DH today (Tuesday morning). Basically, I'm dissapointing him by how I react to his mother. It's not enough that I love him, supported his career change, and financially provide the most between the two of us; I'm the problem because I "have it out" for his mom. He even took issue with the gifts I brought back, which I had picked out for him specifically, because I didn't bring back anything for her.

I tried to explain my perspective, but it's clear that my marriage is going to end.

I lost my husband to a homeless by choice drug addict, and the splitting of our assets will probably give her a 6 month supply.

I hate it here. I hate her. I hate him. Most of all, I hate myself for letting it get this far.

I posted here last week about the situation I'm in living with my soon-to-be ex-fiance and his mom. If anyone is intersted, original post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1id8z7a/mil_moved_in_and_now_i_cant_wait_to_move_out_but/

I started off trying to reply to everyones comments and keep up but honestly I just got completely overwhelmed with all the comments. First off, I want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments, even the ones that were that were kind of harsh. Actually, probably especially the ones that were kind of harsh. I really needed some tough love to make me realize that I was letting my stb-ex and his mom take advantage of me. The more comments I red, the more pissed off I got. Honestly, I think I'm more pissed at myself for allowing this to happend and not advocating for myself more.

This past weekend I got my stb-ex alone so we could talk (which was actually harder than it should have been b/c his mom always tries to tag along when we do anythng). Going through all the comments everyone left and the PMs people sent really helped me decide how to approach this. And also, brought up a lot of good questions I should have thought of myself.

Back to the discussion with the ex - I wanted to give him one more chance to pick us over his mom, not because I thought he would but I just wanted to be able to tell myself I give him the opportunity. I explained again about how unhappy I am with the situation, how it's affecting my work because of her constant interruptions and just being unhappy and uncomfortable that I'm forced to work out of a corner in our bedroom. And I reminded him that until a few months ago I was paying the majority of the rent and being that I make so much more than him, it's really my salary that keeps us all afloat. And I also brought up, again, the way she treats me and talks to me. And he replied the same way he has been: he agrees its not right how she acts and that it's really uncomfortable for for us all (wtf. I don't care if she's uncomfortable).

Previously I would have dropped it there. But this time I told him how angry and disappointed I was that he let me pay for 2/3 of the rent when she first moved and how unfair it was that I'm still paying for half when there are three people living there and she is the only one with her own bedroom. It was the same story, she has to conserve money since she doesn't have any income currently. Which brought up the question of where all her stuff went when she moved, what money does she use for incidentals. So evidently, when she got divorced (she asked for the divorce after my EX went off to college. It doesn't sound like her husband/ex's dad wanted the divorce), his dad bought her out of the equity in their house. Ex didn't have any idea how much that was or how much is left. But until she moved here she was working full time as a teacher and living in a small apartment so she should not have had to tap into the divorce settlement money very much. Other than that, Ex didn't have much insite to her finances other than what she told him (that she has to conserve money).

I told him straight up that I'm moving out before the end of the month. And from now on I'm only paying 25% (as some of the commentors pointed out, she has a whole bedroom while I have to share with a man-child. So she should have to pay twice as much), and after I move out I'm not paying for anything else - no utilities, no food, nothing other than rent. I have a pretty idea what his finances are like, and if he has to pay 75% of the rent all by himself it's going to take a huge chunk of his net income. And after he pays utilities and buys groceries there won't be anything left for incidentals. Rent was due on the 1st but it's not late until after the 5th, so he has two days to come up with the $$$. If he doesn't come up with it and I end up covering, then I'll reduce the amount I pay in future months.

The only reason I'm going to keep paying any of the rent is even after I move out, I'm still on the hook. I talked to the leasing office and they explained that since Ex and I signed a single rental agreement together (e.g. one contract we both signed as opposed to two contracts we sign individually) we are both responsible for the rent. They don't care who actually pays as long as it gets paid. The only alternative would be if he agrees to sign a new lease by himself (or together with his mom). But in all likelyhood he wouldn't be able to pass the credit check on his own, so I'm kind of stuck. I don't think he'll do anything stupid tough because he's going to need to find someplace to live after this and a collection on his credit report wouldn't be good.

I also told him that I'm going to find someplace to work during the day until I move so she can't bother me. My friend I'm moving in with said I could work there during the day since she and her current roommate have in person 9-5s. I took her up on that for now. After living with his mom, I'm not about to overstay my welcome so I'm going to find some other options that I can rotate through - someone suggested checking out the public library, or if it comes to it I'll get a memebership at one of those wework kind of places. Just in case, I brought my important papers/files/valuables and my friend is storing them for me until I move in.

He really didn't take it well. the surprising thing to me is that he was surprised by everything. He seemed really shocked that I wasn't priorizing his mom. I really got the feeling that he sincerly believed I wanted to take care of her as much as him and he kept saying stuff like, what about my mom, what am I going to tell her, that's how she is but we (?!!??!) still need to help her, etc.

He asked about our relationship and the engagement. I told him after I move out I need some space from him. In a few months when we've both had some time/space to process what happened, if we BOTH agree we can talk about the relationship. But he'd have to prove that he's going to have my back going forward and will set boundries with his mom. I told him that just to avoid more drama, but I don't see a future in which we are together.

I told him he needs to tell his mom because she's not my responsiblity or problem and she'll know somethings up when I start moving my stuff out. He hasn't told her whats going on yet, but this weekend I'm going to start moving things so he doesn't have much time. My friends current roommate starts a new job in another state on the 3rd, so in reality I can probably move in 2-3 weeks, just depending when she actually leaves. I don't expect him do do anything bad (other than sulk and complain), but if he does something stupid, or doesn't pay his part of the rent, the ace up my sleeve is I'll tell the leasing office his mom moved in which is prohibited in the lease. Honestly, getting evicted would solve a lot of my problems right now so it's a pretty valid threat I think.

Now that I've mentally and emotionally seperated my self from him and his mom, I'm looking forward to her reaction when he tells her whats going on. If it gets too ugly, I'll find a cheap ab&b or hotel or something. I've had some friends, including the one I'm moving in with, offer to let me couch surf for a few weeks but I just can't do that to someone else.

So, that's it. I'm leaving and I really don't care how that affects them.

February 3 spouse emailed MIL and said we are taking a break. We don't want to hear from you, you're not to see the twins until the summer when they're fully vaccinated, if you pushback on any of this it will just make it longer before I have the bandwidth to reconnect with you.

Since then we've heard from her twenty times, via email, phone calls, texts, and mailing cards. None have been responded to. They've ranged from love bombing, random tidbits of info (here's a recipe I thought you may like), and questions about our daily goingons.

Most recently- Yesterday she called spouse and said (and I'm paraphrasing) "our communication has hit a new low. I want to talk to you. I'm free after 7 tonight (Thursday) and after 4 tomorrow (today). If you do not get back to me I will be showing up at your house on Friday, and I know OP won't like that so I suggest you call me back and schedule a time to meet with me."

Dear spouse did not call her back. She didn't know we were heading out of town, spouse for the weekend and me for the next six weeks (with the twins).

It's a small town, if you remember from my previous post, and we've been sent several screenshots today from her texting friends and acquaintances of ours asking if we are gone for the weekend. Luckily no one is responding to her.

So that's it for now. Our dog sitter is aware, we've been locking our front door and are going to get a camera system installed. Meanwhile spouse and I are discussing whether we should move. I own two small businesses and spouse is a professor at the local university, so not as easy as it could be unfortunately.

💗

Hey Everyone! I've been getting a lot of requests for update so I wanted to let everyone know how it went when ex's mom found out about me not coverying all the rent and moving out.

TL;DR: It was kind of a shit show. But I'm moved out and I'M OFF THE LEASE! FMIL is on the lease now and she and ex's dad are covering half the rent and STBX is covering the other half.

Last week I started working out of my friend's apartment (the one I'm moving in with) so I didn't see ex's mom on Monday. Tuesday around lunch she sent me text asking where I was. I told her I was working and I'd be home late tonight. She replied that ex told her I wasn't going to be contributing as much so she had to loan him money for rent. That wasn't a surprise to me so I just replied with a 👍 emoji. I had plans with my friend and her roommate (who I'm also friends with) to go out for dinner and then get some drinks. So by the time I got home is was after midnight and ex's mom was already asleep.

The fun started Wednesday morning. I was getting ready to go to work at my friends place when ex's mom stopped me and said we need to discuss my "financial situation". Then she went on a whole tirade about her having to cover my part of the rent, me making foolish choices by going out to dinner when I couldn't even pay rent, I was irresponsible with money and inconsiderate of the impact it had on others, blah, blah, blah. She went on to say that if she was going to have to pay my share of the rent that she expected me to do a better job of keeping on top of chores and keeping the apartment clean and organized. I told her I was moving out since obviously STBX hadn't told her yet. She seemed, I don't know, pleased with herself? All she had to say was "maybe that's for the best".

When I got home that night, right off the bat, she wanted to talk. She said instead of me moving out, we could get a bigger apartment and she'd "be willing to help by paying" the difference between a 2br and a 3br. Then we could go back to the arrangement ex and I had before she moved in (me paying 2/3 of the balance and him paying 1/3). Honestly when she was saying this I think my brain vapor locked. She was making it sound like she was doing us a favor by offering to pay the increase in rent.

Aparently this man-child who tells his mom literally EVERY. SINGLE. THING about our lives and relationship hadn't bothered to tell his mom how much I was actually contributing. It seems like once she discovered ex wasn't paying for everythnig like she thought, she wasn't as excited about me moving out.

I tried to be polite and told her I'd already giving notice to our apartment complex that I was moving out at the end of the month and already committed to move in with my friend. She kept pushing the issue and said if she was willing to pay the difference, I should just stay "because that would really be best for everyone". By then I was getting annoyed and told her that because of the way she has been acting and treating me I had no interest in living with her anymore.

That's when the best line of this whole dumpster fire came out of her mouth. She said she was bgworried I was taking advantage of her son and if we had told her about our financial arrangment she would have been more understanding of why I wasn't keeping up with the apartment. I told her maybe a good lesson from this is to try being nice to everyone in the future and not just the people you think can help you. And I asked her why SHE didn't help out more since she wasn't doing anything productive all day.

She did NOT like either of those comments and it got pretty hostile with both of us yelling at each other. And to be fair, we both said some pretty awful things to one-another. Finally I told her I was going to inform the rental office that she had been living there contrary to the lease agreement because getting evicted would be worth it to see her living on the street. I grabbed my laptop and went to my friends. I didn't even bother packing an overnight bag.

Next afternoon (Thursday) ex texted me and said he had added his mom to the lease effective the first of the month and that she & his dad (I have no idea how that poor man got roped into this) would pay half the rent and ex would pay the other half. I confirmed with the property manager that I was off the lease and didn't have any further obligation. I got it in email so I have a record. I put disconnect orders in for the utilities under my name and told him to call and set up accounts under his name. I'm going to lose the damage deposit (it goes to whoever is living there when lease ends) but it's a small price to pay to be free.

On the way home I stopped and got a bunch of boxes to pack my stuff up. She was pretty hostile when I got home and when she saw how much I was taking she got worse. I ended up taking Friday off to finish packing and on Saturday got some friends to help move stuff to my new place. I'm going to pay my friends some rent for the next two weeks until the one move out. They didn't want me to but I'm not going to stay in someones home and not contribute. If nothing else, living with ex and his mom taught me that. Last night ex and I got together and talked for the first time since Saturday. He said his mom is staying until June when the lease is up then she's moving back to their hometown. According to him, she just really didn't like living here and that's why she didn't try to find a job. Then he asked how long a break I thought we should take. A few commenters gave me a hard time for stringing him along, so I was brutally honest and told him I could not be with someone that allowed others to treat me the way he allowed his mom to treat me and that I hoped he learned to stand on his own and establish some boundries. He looked like he was going to cry and just got up and left.

As far as I'm concerned, this whole this is over and done. I'm going to call it a learning experience and be glad I found out how awful ex's mom is BEFORE we got married. The thing that amazes me is the amount of damage this woman leaves in her wake and how utterly oblivious she is. She destroyed our engagment and relationship, is leaving ex in a MUCH worse financial situation, pushed back her ex-husbands retirement by I don't know how many years since now he likely has to pay off a the mortgage (or second mortgage) he had to get to pay her half of the equity. And she made my life hell for 6+ months. And she's walking away completely unscathed. According to my ex, she's going to back to her hometown and picking up her old teaching job.

I'm thinking about going to visit my parents next week and working from their house. I want to tell them how boring and undramatic they are and how I'm so greatful for that and love them for it lol.

So, this is kind of just a minor "update" on this situation and I'm more just looking to vent out my frustrations, but I'm open to any advice or just words of support or whatever.

For those who haven't read the previous posts, here is my last update which includes links to the other posts - https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/CHJvt4ZMBP

A summary: my MIL works in the same company that my son, who has developmental delays and suspected autism (awaiting an assesment now), was referred to by his doctor. She is against him having autism and loudly voices her opinion on that to anyone who has ears. She went to the office he was referred to, seeked out his confidential file, and read every single thing in it then called my partner to discuss it. I reported her for it and asked she have zero access moving forward, as she shouldn't have had any to begin with. There's more, but that's the gist.

Anyway, the update. I've been seeing a developmental interventionalist for a bit now, she is wonderful and we've seen quite a bit of improvement in our son and his delays/struggles since we started working with her. We had to go through the company she works for to get a referral for an autism assement, but he was mainly referred to her/the company for his delays in walking as he is turning 2 in September and still not independently walking at all, or saying more than 4 words.

During our visit yesterday, I had asked if she could email me some papers we had filled out about his development as I had filled out an updated one for his age and we thought it would be a good idea to see if he has improved or needs work in the same areas and such. She tried to find it on her phone files but said she must have deleted them when she uploaded them to her work computer where she keeps my son's file with all of our communications, notes, etc. I then briefly confirmed that MIL could not access that file, and she actually informed me that since my report the entire company has changed their policy province-wide (I am in Canada) and that now no one can access any file they are not directly assigned to, and if they need to they have to go to the regional director and explain why they need access. They did have access before due to someone taking over a case temporarily for someone being sick or on vacation, etc. But clearly that was abused so they've changed it to protect not just me/my son, but everyone. Which is great.

But then she said that she had something to tell me she felt that I should maybe know about.... she told me that before she had ever even met my son and I, and when she had JUST been assigned to his case, that my MIL found out she was the one assigned to my son (so obviously she seeked out that information, too) and she approached her at work about it. Side note - MIL called me the day before she had a meeting about the report to yell at me to tell her board director that I gave her permission to read my son's file and she didn't breach confidentiality so she wouldn't get in any trouble (I said absolutely not) and she claimed that she read the file before it was even assigned to anyone, which somehow meant it was perfectly okay to read...but now that makes me question if she completely lied through her teeth about that, knowing full well she did this - my son's developmentalist told me she, MIL, approached her and said, "oh I see you'll be working with my grandson" and then proceeded to say, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with him and he's perfectly fine". She told me she was very off put by this as it struck her as weird for someone to randomly approach her and say that but also it was clearly undermining me as the mother who has concerns, so she made an excuse she had to go and she left the situation.

She told me that this was also brought to the regional directors attention, which is good that they were aware of that as well.

I told my partner about this when he got off work and he was extremely annoyed at his mother. He said she absolutely overstepped, disrespected me and undermined me and had zero right or reason to do or say any of that. He asked if I wanted to take any actions and I said I'd like to sit on that as I'm still fuming and don't want to make any irrational decisions while angry, but I did say I felt as if I'm very done with his mother at this point and I don't even want my children, especially my son, around her because she clearly isn't as caring and supportive of him as she pretends to be if she went behind my back to basically sway or completely overturn his referal and opportunity for support on his delays that she's well aware he has. My partner also acknowledged that if our worker hadn't reacted the way she did, what MIL said could have been VERY detrimental to our son. He wants to hear what she, our son's worker, said to me for himself first at our next home visit (he usually is working but is taking that day off to be there) and then he is going to confront his mother, half because he is also fed up with her behavior and half because he says that I'm upset about it and he needs to support me by telling his mother to back off and that she overstepped. So, if you've been following along about my partner and his lack of spine with his mom, things have really changed and improved since we briefly split up over the original incident, and he now openly listens to me and supports me in any way that I say I need, including setting firm boundaries with his mother.

Anyway, all in all I am just so frustrated with this woman and her clear sense of entitlement. She clearly, from what I can see, has absolutely zero respect for me as a person and as a mother, and she seems to think her opinion and word matters much more than my own and apparently our doctor's as well. I'm sick of her acting so "supportive" and caring and smiling sweetly at me while simultaneously stabbing me in the back and not only me but my son, her grandson, as well. It makes me wonder what else she has said or done that I just never knew about. I don't know what I want to do from here, I'm still digesting this new information and trying not to blow up even though a feel a giant mama bear raging storm inside of me. I don't care what she says or does to me, but to do that to my son is just beyond such a low blow, and for what? I can't even wrap my head around how she justified doing and saying that, or why she thought that was helpful in any way whatsoever....to me, all it was was manipulative and extremely conniving. I'm not even shocked....I'm just so done. 6 years and all she's done is escalate and show me there are zero boundaries and there is absolutely nothing she will not do...

Since I had many requests for an update, here it is, earlier than expected! As I'm sure will disappoint many, it didn't get as far as the visit. Husband had a call from his sister (SIL) a couple of days ago, I wasn't there to hear exactly but I have rough run-down.

In the small talk he mentioned that I was surprising him with a trip on X date but he doesn't know where. Apparently this was highly confusing for sister who asked wasn't that when MIL is visiting, to which husband obviously replied that we have no visits with MIL booked in at all. She explained MIL told her she was coming day after X date a few weeks ago. Husband says she must be mistaken and must be one of her other trips.

Yesterday MIL finally calls, says SIL told her we were away on X, and hopes that isn't true as remarkably the day before some awesome tickets popped up and she had quickly bought them but didn't have chance to call yet. Husband tells her he knows she actually booked them weeks ago, SIL already let that out the bag, and that we are going away so she can't come.

She asks where we are going, obviously he tells her he doesn't know as I booked it as a surprise. After the call she texts me asking where we are going, I was at work so didn't know about the call at the time, but I'm still not that stupid and replied that we're going to a huge theme park (not true and she despises them), and not to tell husband because it's a surprise.

She calls him back later when I'm home and asks how long away for, he asks why she wants to know. Tickets were booked to stay for 4 fucking weeks so she figured she would stay here alone until we got back. He calmly tells her that won't be happening. We dont want her to and she doesn't have a key. She admits she made one on a previous visit 'in case of emergencies'. Door lock barrels have been changed without me having to invent a key loss.

She also accused SIL of being confused and lying until husband threatens to add her into the call, leading to a complete bitch fit about how she has to book and not tell us or we never let her come and we make her feel unwelcome. He reminds her that she is unwelcome because we didn't invite her. This time we won't even be home. He's really quite protective of his sister so accusing her of lying really pissed him off on top of the whole key thing, he's gone full scorched earth.

Can't remember all of it but eventually she hangs up with a "enjoy your fucking rollercoasters". I'd already told him about the text and what I'd told her so he knew she was being vindictive. But she's been told very straight not to come, so we shall see if she has any sense or not.

First off, many thanks for your replies in my previous post. You all actually helped me to realize this situation isn't actually funny at all and was a betrayal of trust. So I decided I needed to confront my mother about it.

So we went to brunch on Saturday and I ordered a mimosa. The look of horror on her face was priceless. You know how they say when someone dies they get images of their life flashed before their eyes? I dearly hope I get to re-experience that look again when it's my time. After the waitress took our order, my mother said, "Are you sure you should be drinking that?"

I laid it out for her. I'm not pregnant. I have told her multiple times I am not pregnant. I asked her why I would even have a reason to lie about not being pregnant.

I also told her I didn't appreciate her spreading the rumor that I was. She said she didn't and I asked her why I got texts from family members inferring I was.

My mother said she never explicitly told anyone I was pregnant, but a few people noticed I wasn't drinking at Christmas. My mom's reply to them was, "I don't know, it's not my place to say." Which is true, for sure, but also very misleading.

I was like, "Oh, come on. You know how people would take that. That was such a wink, wink, nudge, nudge response." I told her there are so many other non-misleading responses she could have used. I could have been the designated driver. I don't like white wine. Maybe I just didn't feel like drinking. Maybe it's my recent health kick. Or maybe it's nobody's business.

Apparently, it was my aunt spreading the rumor, based on my mother's response as to why I wasn't drinking that night. I asked my mother why she didn't stop the rumor in its tracks and her response was, "I didn't know for sure you weren't. All the evidence was pointing towards it and maybe you just didn't want to announce it yet."

My mimosa arrived, I chugged it, I told my mother I no longer had an appetite, and I went home. No apology then, no apology yet.

My mom texted me last night that one of my favorite singers from the 80s just released a new song, like nothing ever happened. I did not respond.

Hi Everyone,

It's been a hot minute but I am the person who's divorcing their exH after he let mommy dearest stay in my home for another consecutive week, unsupervised, on the eve of an important work trip... and then had the audacity to say that I am the problem in our relationship because I "only" brought him back gifts from my trip and not gifts for her too.

Anyway.

The divorce is proceeding as normal. We are dividing assets 50/50 and I have made the heartbreaking decision to sell the home and move once everything is finalized. I will be staying local, just not there. Too many memories, though it was once my perfect space.

MIL is gone. She left to go leech off her other son a few weeks after it was clear that she can't be the legal hero she thinks she is. I was weak and ended up having sex with exH a few nights ago. He has been trying to get back together, and I've been so lonely and sad that I made the mistake of spending time with him in the evening. I had to have the agonizing conversation again that I do not want to build a life with him if his mother is in his life. He cannot let her go.

He officially chose her over me. It hurts all over again even though I already knew it.

I wish I could say that I've been some badass who got over her ex and his shitty excuse for a mom, but I haven't. I'm sad, tired, and emotionally drained. All I wanted (want?) is him, but I know he's not good for me.

Thanks for letting me cry into the void.

Edit: I do not think my exH was trying to manipulate me into sleeping with him. We both still love one another, but I am the one saying that we cannot exist like how we do now. I cannot exist with her in my life in any capacity at this point, fuck the "7 days and nights" arrangement.

Hi everyone,

This will be short and sweet, please see my previous posts for the full context but TL; DR: I am in the early process of divorcing my husband partially due to his inability to choose anyone or anything over his homeless by choice, drug-addict mother who only reentered his life within the last 5 years. The straw that broke the camel's back is when she/they ignored my only rule with overnight visitors when I was leaving for a very important work trip... which she and my husband kept referring to as a "vacation."

Anyway! Divorce is proceeding semi-smoothly, despite me being completely heartbroken. Husband doesn't want to divorce either, but completely denies that his mother's involvement has had any negative affect on our marriage. As far as he is concerned, I just woke up and decided that I didn't want to be married to him anymore (oh how I wish that was true, it would make all of this hurt less). Which leads to the biggest comedy relief about the whole situation...

MIL wants to represent my husband for the divorce. Like, she literally wants to be listed on court records as part of his counsel. That would never happen, but the thought of her bad breath stinking up a courtroom in some wildly inappropriate clothing had me in stitches the first time I heard her newest delusion, and I thought the group would like it too lol.

Unfortunately, she is staying in the house until the divorce is finalized. Husband and I both want the property, which I did not expect, and I think he's letting her stay to try and drive me out. It's not working.

Edit: JNMIL reminds me of Sarah Boone, if there are any true crime folks in here. It's an uncanny similarity in their writing patterns that even my friends have pointed out a few times while I was letting them read her texts to me.

So, people asked for the update when FMIL's work finally spoke to her, so here it is.

Firstly, for those who haven't read the first two posts or forgot what they said, here they are: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/bH6IHNVEd8 https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/Uz1TaRS8y4

Basically, my FMIL, who works as a developmental interventionalist where my son was referred to for a develoomental/potential autism assessment, searched for and read my son's confidential file with private information, for no reason other than being nosy and entitled.

So now, on to the update # 3:

Before I talk about what happened with her work, I will update a few other things. Fiancé and I have not yet gone to speak to his parents about the situation. They wanted to come over the weekend before Easter, which I posted about, but I decided I was not ready. We are taking the next few weeks to reconnect with each other (fiancé and I) and discuss clear boundaries with his parents before we even consider sitting down with them.

Anyway. So, the day before FMIL's meeting with the board of directors and other people, she called my fiancé to rant and rave to him about the situation. He then came inside the house where I was cooking supper before I had to leave for work, where he said he wants his mom to stop in as she was driving home from work and nearby. I said absolutely 1000% no, you will not ambush me right before my shift. He then kept pushing and pushing for me to talk to her on the phone, despite me stating over and over I was uncomfortable and I did not want to spend the last hour before my shift being angry and frustrated. He pushed and said I made this "mess" and his mother's meeting was tomorrow so I HAD to talk to her right now.

I said put her on speakerphone and I'll talk if I want to, otherwise she can say her bit and that'd be that. She went on and on about, "do you want me to be punished?" "What do you want from me?" So I said, "I want you to not read my son's confidential files". Which she claims was NOT confidential and apparently since it was just a referral at that time then anyone in the office could read it (although later I found out from the person on my son's case that actually there was a 5 page, double sided, questionnaire about his development that I did with his doctor that was included with the referral that WAS, in fact, confidential information, regardless of if the referral wasn't considered confidential). Then she basically told me I need to help her not get in trouble and I can't say words like "breach of confidentiality" and I have to basically tell them I told her about the case which somehow if you casually tell someone about a case it means they have permission to read it??? And she told me I have to make it out like she was just a caring grandmother.... this is where I started to lose it, I told her that 1. I am not going to lie and make myself look foolish by saying oh sorry she didn't actually do that. I also told her that I already told them in my original email that since she is the grandmother of my son then she did know about the case prior to reading it HOWEVER I never gave her permission to go in and read it, she just knew he was being referred to her work. I also told her point blank that I told them all I really want from this is for her to not have access to his information and that included coworkers telling her about his case/progress. And she did not listen to a word I said, just kept going on and on saying "well what are you going to say?" And I kept telling her, "I already told you and I've already told you that I've said everything I need to say to them" and she just kept saying, "what are you going to say" then finally turned even more dramatic and said she was just going to "turn herself in and face the consequences" so I just said "okay" and walked away.

However, before walking away from the conversation, prior to her getting extremely dramatic because I wouldn't say I'd do anything to help her not get in trouble for her own actions....she decided to "justify" her actions by telling me that the reason she did it was because she "felt like I wasn't in the right place and seeking the right and proper help for my son" so she read the file and the notes from myself and my doctor to "help me find proper places to go to for better and proper care"...... THAT is the precise moment I lost it. I cut her off in her little rant and I said "frankly, MIL, that's NOT your job or your business. You should have come to ME if you had concerns and frankly, if I wanted your help I would have come to you. I'M his mother, not you. I didn't need help, I took it upon myself and I know exactly where I need to go to get the assistance for MY son that he needs and that I am looking for. There is no excuse for reading his file."

So, on to her meeting....

Basically nothing happened. Which honestly i figured it wouldn't. She is retiring in a few short months, and her shifts are going down to a few days a week anyway from full time. They just want her to finish and go, and I'm fine with that. I really just wanted her to not he able to access my son's file, that's it. They did go over breaching confidentiality with her though and told her it was a huge issue, not only that but even just the big rule they have with conflict of interest of working with a family member. They told her if it happens again she will face ALL of the consequences.

I was also emailed by her boss, the board of director for that office, and she gave me a brief of what happened in the meeting. She confirmed that 100% it WAS a breach of confidentiality.

The fuckey part is that FMIL STILL believes wholeheartedly that she was not in the wrong at all because she still claims with every fiber in her that it was not a breach of confidentiality and anyone could have read it (side note - I still cannot for the life of me understand why she can't grasp that even IF that were true on her part, she didn't stumble upon the file like she claims anyone could have done....she seeked it out and deliberately read it???). So basically, FMIL will never see anything wrong with her actions, despite EVERY single person at her work and that I've spoken to about this, except for fiancé, immediately could see that it was wrong and a huge confidentiality breach. I really, truly do not get it???

Fiancé has stopped talking about it. He is definitely torn and confused as he is angry with his mother for upsetting me and for overstepping, which he told her multiple times. But he is also angry at me for reporting his mother and upsetting her. He doesn't know whether to believe her story of it not being a big deal for her to read it, or the email I received from her boss confirming it WAS a very big deal. He is processing a lot, including what he says is "learning that his mother has a malicious/bad side to her" that he turned a blind eye to his entire life. He isn't exactly against me but he also isn't exactly with me on this and honestly I do understand and I actually appreciate that his eyes are opening up and I will take that as a very slow win.

Anyway, I will probably post a 4th update after we finally speak to his parents. But otherwise, here is my lengthy storybook on that happened with me reporting his mother for overstepping, being a nosy and entitled meddler, and breaching confidentiality. I am open to any advice, comments, or just words of support/encouragement. And I will say thank you in advance because I read all the comments but by the time I'm ready to respond my posts get locked so please know I appreciate everyone's comments on this journey so far and I've read all the support, you guys are so wonderful!!!

here is my original post 2 (?) weeks ago. This one might be full of typos as I'm posting this quick as I've got a sick kid.

So we've been fortunate enough that MIL seems to have gotten the message and hasn't contacted us since SO went to her place to get the ashes back. My SO spoke with his Dad (FIL) who said that she claimed she's giving us the space we need and seems to think we'll get over it eventually but I think I'm even more angry at her now I've had the time to be less upset by it, now I'm just pissed.

This morning we had a delivery, addressed to me - didn't know what it could be, not ordered anything at all recently but figured I ordered something in my sleep deprived state at 3am. Wouldn't be the first time.

But no, it was a box with a little black fabric bag and inside was a locket, that has ashes in. Connecting the dots it was pretty clear straight away who the ashes belonged to and who the locket came from. I don't know what she was thinking. I knew it was likely she'd taken some but sending me this just feels like a complete slap in the face. It's probably her poor attempt to apologise? But it feels so wrong and weird getting a part of my son as a 'gift' from my MIL who took him the way she did.

It's not even a nice locket. She knew what type of jewelry I was looking at and this is... the opposite of it. It's big and bulky and has the words 'together forever' in what looks like comic sans (which is already fading off). It's not my style at all and it looks cheap. I know exactly what type of necklace she wanted made and I just know she'll be getting the one she wants made and this is probably some kind of attempt to justify that. I don't mean to be ungrateful but considering how she got the ashes I just... can't be grateful for it.

SO thinks we should just ignore it and do nothing. Put the ashes back with the rest and toss the locket. I want to put the ashes back and then put the darn locket in her mailbox, personally. We won't have to see her but we'd be sending the message.

It just makes me angry that she's treating him and his ashes like some kind of bargaining chip in what I assume is an attempt to make up for what she did.

(I tried to post a picture of the locket but it has to be approved by mod so I'll skip that for now)

First of all, thank you so much to everyone here who offered support and advice on my post yesterday. I appreciate all of you 🙏

Note: I deleted my post from yesterday last night because MIL & DIL were intimidating re: the evidence gathered, that it was “illegal” and DH said to just delete the post on Reddit while we figure out our rights/legalities in case they find the post and use it against us.

From my search since then, there is a bit of a grey area around camera use where I live but it seems largely that I am in my right to have motion sensor security cameras in my home as long as there’s no audio/conversations recorded and it’s not in the bathroom etc.

But, I went through all of the comments with my husband last night and he went over to his parents’ house to list the behaviours (with evidence) and to inform them of boundaries and ground rules.

Now an update on what happened last night:

I showed DH the comments on Reddit - a lot of really helpful ones, thank you guys - I appreciate you!! Together, DH and I started writing a list of instances when her behaviour and treatment of me had been awful in the past. Together, we wrote out a list of boundaries/rules in his notes app and tried to make them very clear with timeframes for reassessment if appropriate.

DH then drove over to his parents’ house to calmly & coldly make the statements to them/her. He began with the recent bad behaviour incident (MIL snooping through closet, wardrobes, footage of her coming out of the bathroom with DH’s toothbrush in her mouth). At first, she lied and said she did no such thing. Then, DH mentioned that we saw her do it on the cameras. She absolutely exploded at him. Yelling, dropping F-bombs, then tried to make excuses that she “was looking for the sheets” in our wardrobes and said that she actually brought her own toothbrush with her and it was hers that she used. Cameras aren’t high resolution enough to capture a toothbrush in her pocket 😂 and I obviously wouldn’t put a camera in the bathroom so I can’t actually confirm or disprove whether it was in fact her own toothbrush in her pocket. She lied/denied to begin with in the first place though. Anyway, that doesn’t excuse anything else on the long list of her maltreatment of me.

FIL kind of just backed her up “what you’re doing is illegal!!” And then admitted that they recently went through this with their tenants. MIL & FIL have tenants at their other house that they own (generational wealth, must be nice 🙄). Apparently she was recently caught on tenants’ cameras snooping through their personal belongings - closets, fridges.

Anyways, the whole thing took about 15 minutes and DH was basically kicked out of his parents’ house without getting a chance to mention anything other than this recent incident, and was chased out by yelling and F-bombs. His parents said they’re never coming over again or doing any favours for DH which I guess is still a win?

MIL texted me last night all “is this how you treat family??” Like look in the mirror and ask yourself that 🙄 obviously I’m not responding. DIL texted DH this morning demanding that DH have all the evidence deleted.

DH said this was further proof she can’t babysit ever - this is not the kind of behaviour our child deserves to be exposed to if we can help it.

I’m waiting on a text back from a lawyer friend re:legality of cameras.

Edit: addition: at this point where I’m at: I should be relieved that DH stood up for me and for us as a family and that he is on board with going LC, but I’m bracing myself & scared with what MIL might try to do next - will she try to hurt me professionally at my work? Will she burn the place down? Someone so hateful and explosive - I don’t know what she might do and I’m still scared.

This is an update from my previous post about my MIL asking to come to visit a day early and watch my daughter all day Friday while my husband and I are at work rather than us send her to daycare.

Small recap in case you didn’t read the last post: MIL has not been allowed to watch my daughter (2 years old) since she put her in the bed with her when my daughter was a newborn even though she knew we practice safe sleep. Her husband left an inappropriate comment on my Facebook and I also will not allow my daughter to be alone around him. They are coming to visit for the weekend and asked to come Thursday instead of Friday so they could watch my daughter all day while we are at work. Husband told her he’d have to talk to me first and I obviously said absolutely not and told him he needs to handle his own mother.

So for the update: my husband called her yesterday (unprompted) and told her that they could not come Thursday and would need to come Friday instead. His mother responded and just said “ok…” then went on a rant about how she worries she’ll never get to watch my daughter and my daughter “isn’t going to know her.” My husband stood his ground and told her that since they live 5 and a half hours away there’s really no reason they would ever need to watch her. Any time we see them they are either visiting us at our house or we are visiting them at theirs, meaning we are always around and would not need a baby sitter. She basically ended the phone call upset.

I am so glad that my husband enforced this boundary and took care of his mother without bringing me into it! He even complained to me afterwards and told me how he couldn’t stand when his mother acted that way and there’s no reason she should ever watch my daughter without us there. She’s still coming to visit, but will be coming on her originally planned date of Friday and won’t be around my daughter unsupervised. We’ll see how she acts on her visit, but glad my husband is backing me up on this!

ICYMI, my MIL came over to my house while I was at work last week. We don’t get along and husband and I were previously NC. Apparently that is no longer the case for him. The children told me MIL open my bedroom door. To stop her from ever doing this again I installed a WiFi door lock. You have to have the app to unlock the door. There’s a keypad but the code is 6 digits long and since husband just lets MIL do whatever she damn well pleases he can’t have the code. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I know she’ll find some way to weasel the code out of him. Lo and behold, she came over to the house yesterday while I was at work. First thing the kids say is “my mom put a door lock on her door so you can’t go in there anymore” and she asks how I know she went in there. The kids told her that they told me. She proceeds to tell the kids she is disappointed in them and that they should have kept that a secret from me. She also told them I’m a psycho for installing the door lock. I told the kids 1) they should NEVER keep a secret like that from me as I’m their mom. 2) if MIL wasn’t going in my room uninvited I wouldn’t have to install a door lock to lock her out. Did I do the right thing?

Edited to say thank you everyone for your comments. Most were very kind and sincere. One was accusing me of letting MIL back in. Again, not sure how I let her in while I was at work. I tried to reply to everyone. A few things I’d like to point out that weren’t clear from previous posts. My husband and I do not share a room due to our opposite work/sleep schedules. He can use the app for the door lock to get in if he wanted to. He never went in my room before I had a lock and he said he doesn’t care that I have the lock. We did try marriage counseling 4 years ago but our counselor wasn’t very good. I’m currently trying to find a good one that has openings. I’m going to look in to online counseling. Also, I am getting cameras (nest, ring, or Wyze are the options I’m considering so advice on either of these would be great), and I’m also documenting everything. Several people have pointed out that it sounds like I have a justnoSO problem so I will be browsing that sub as well. Thanks again everyone! I never expected so many comments, but I’m glad to hear I did not overreact and it’s good to know that everyone else thinks she’s in the wrong too.

Hi, I'm the person who's jnmil is staying for a second consecutive week while I'm away on an important work trip. I'm on mobile so I'm not sure how to link a previous post, but you can check my post history for more context.

My husband told me that she's going to SIL's home today after he is done with work. I think he hopes that this will smooth things over between us but it won't. He didn't ask her to leave, she decided to. I guess she got whatever she wanted, or got tired of his less than enthusiastic hosting skills, and decided to go bother her daughter.

Husband wants to talk tonight. I don't. I just don't have the energy to care about his guilt as a son.

Thank you to everyone who sent me support in my last post, I was reading them at the airport and it made me feel a little better.

Hey everyone I have an update for you guys. A lot has happened since last I gave an update so this will be another long post If you need to get caught up here is the original post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/9FggXsUHyF

and first update : https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/FPZrmNEQ2W

We did not go to my sister in laws birthday party. Even when mom begged us to. We ended up having a family day with me my wife and daughter instead.

The following week my dad ask to go to lunch with me. He seem fine at first but end up guilt trip me saying how I was affecting my mom’s health. He then said if things did not change it would be on. He then accuses my wife writing all of my texts to them addresses concerns. He thinks that I couldn’t have written those texts. (He’s half right I use chat gpt to help me make my point more clear).

That Thursday I worked home for half a day. Well my parents showed up at my door around 2 while I was still working to see my daughter. The basically bargain in (Mind you they are our land lords) and go see my daughter. My dad tries to make conversation. About 20 minutes in to visiting I take my daughter to give her a bottle. Mom ask if she can give her the bottle. I say no. The. They are like i don’t know what your problem is. I tell them they showed up unannounced while I was working. They say I’m being hurtful and cruel. Then they says who makes the decision around here you or her (still won’t say my wife’s name). I tell when it comes to my side I do. They say they don’t believe me. Then I’m threatened again and they say if they are so awful I should go live with my in laws.

That night we start packing and moved out. That same evening I get a text from my brother saying: You need to realize what you’re doing. You better get ready and put your big boy pants on. And if I get a reply I hope it’s from you not wife.

We pack up and have moved in to my I with my in laws that weekend. That Friday while we are packing my mom calls my mother in law in hopes to get support (not knowing we have told my in laws everything that has happened since my daughter was born. My mom played the victim card and blamed my dad for all of this saying growing up he was abusive. (Which was true). At this point I’ve decided not to reply to any of my family and going no contact.

Since then my mom has texted me these things:

I love you very much. Please call me. I had asked if you could tell me what has made you so angry and I would just listen. You said you would make a list and we could sit down. You are my baby boy and I am so upset that we can't just talk this out. Please respond.

I have a question. Will I ever see your again? This is so hurtful, unfair and cruel.

Then today happened

I was an our old place cleaning while waiting for the movers to move our wash dryer and deep freezer. Well My aunt shows up. She said she wanted to hear my side. That she was driving by and felt my grandma (who I was very close with) tell her to turn around and stop to talk. I was naive to think it was genuine. I tell her my side. Asking why I haven’t replied to her. I tell her I have a new number. She then hears me out listening my side asking genuine questions not talking over me. Actually listening. As she was leaving she promise not to tell my mom.

Well later tonight my mom messages on fb me saying I hear you have a new number. And then sends a message in our old family chat saying: I am sorry for all that you feel we have done to you. There was never an intent to hurt you or do anything other than to support you. There is always hurtful things that get said in anger. I apologize for anything I said in such manner. I have asked multiple times if you will sit down with me and promised I would listen.

She has share and posted this: Her post: This is apparently a new thing! It is hurtful, not fair and cruel especially when there is a grandchild involved.

Shared post: When Adult Children Cut Off Their Parents

There’s a rising trend in our culture that very few people want to talk about: adult children cutting off their parents.

I’m not talking about abuse situations or dangerous relationships. I’m talking about loving, flawed parents who raised their children, gave sacrificially, and are now being completely shut out with no warning, no conversation, and no willingness to reconcile.

According to research, the vast majority of estrangements between parents and adult children are initiated by the child, not the parent. Often, the parent doesn’t even fully know why. One day, the phone calls stop. The texts go unanswered. The holidays are silent. And when you finally hear something, it’s often a list of offenses you didn’t even know existed.

Why is this happening?

Because our culture now teaches that anyone who doesn’t “support how you feel” is toxic. Therapy-speak has replaced honor. TikTok influencers and pop psychology encourage cutting people off as an act of self-love.

Many adult children are now rewriting their childhoods, relabeling boundaries as trauma, and tossing aside their parents like disposable relationships.

This is rebellion. It’s spiritual deception. It’s pride disguised as empowerment.

Scripture warned us this would happen: “In the last days, people will be lovers of themselves… disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection.” (2 Timothy 3)

If you’re a parent going through this, you’re not alone. You’re not crazy. And you’re not a failure. The enemy is after families, and this is one of his most effective tools right now - deception and division.

These parents still have something to give. Love, advice, presence. Not perfection but something real. And now it just sits there, wasted. Not because they failed but because their children decided they were no longer worth the effort. That is the heartbreak no one talks about.

But God sees. He knows the truth. Keep praying. Stay grounded. Tell your story. Refuse bitterness. And don’t stop believing that the prodigals can still come home.

End of post.

So yeah that’s where are. We are no contact with anyone on my side of the family. I’m in therapy and we are saving money to buy our own place in a few months. If anything major happens or enough time pass where I have enough I’ll give another update but I hope this is my last one.

Yay! I held my ground and now I get to enjoy a peaceful Christmas at home!

Except, that’s not how it has happened. The crazy has ramped up and this might be a long one.

My husband and I came to an agreement a few nights ago that we would stay home. Since then, every day, several times a day, I have been ignoring phone calls from JNMIL. You see, DH never responded in the group text. According to him, he talked to his mother and that was it. He said he was “putting his foot down.” Ok, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Yesterday, a phone began to ring. Wasn’t mine. Wasn’t DH’s....it was my LO. JNMIL was calling him! She calls him maybe once a year. She didn’t even call him on his birthday, so I figured she was giving him his birthday wishes late.

No. According to him, she didn’t mention his birthday...but she tried to get my son to convince me that we should go to her house for Christmas. She told him how much fun he would miss out on with his cousins and what cool things she would buy for him. He came to me about this hours after the conversation because he “didn’t feel right about it.”

I. Lost. My. Shit. She can do a lot, but why drag my child into this? It’s just a fucking holiday!

I went to my husband and went off. He defended her for a moment! He mentions how he never sees his extended family and that holidays were the only way. I got an inch away from his face and told him how I also missed my extended family and holidays were the only time everyone got together....except that we never got to go because we were constantly at his family’s house.

I asked him the last Thanksgiving we spent with my mom. He couldn’t remember. I asked him the last Christmas we spent with my mom. He couldn’t remember. Easter? July 4th? Ever major holiday where family gathers we were always with his parents. As a matter of fact, the few opportunities we may have had to gather with my side, he was always too tired from his gatherings to care.

He finally got it.

He called JNMIL in front of me and goes in about calling LO. She chastised him for “not considering what LO wants,” as if she’d even know. I grabbed the phone (it was on speaker) and told her that LO would have wanted to see her at his birthday party. She said, and I quote “why would I come to his party when I would see him a few weeks later at Christmas?”

I gave DH the phone back. His monkeys and these monkeys have known for months that I wasn’t leaving this house for Christmas. These monkeys are also well aware that we see them every holiday and don’t get to see my family. These monkeys even understand how selfish they are being, but like all other monkeys...

...they don’t care. They are still going to jump around and throw shit until they get what they want.

Well, if I walk out their cage, it won’t affect me. I’m not fucking leaving. I meant it when I said it.

Husband quickly ended the call and apologized profusely. We spent the rest of the night brainstorming activities for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to do as a family. He offered to go to my JYMOM’s house and I might take him up on that offer. He also called her and personally invited her to our Christmas Eve activities.

So, I guess I’m not fucking leaving is actually bitch, I MIGHT be leaving, but it will be to my mom’s house.

Finally!

Edit: ok, some of y’all are being ridiculous. Me getting and inch from my husband’s face does not mean I was yelling or threatening him. In reality, I was close to him so I wouldn’t yell and I was almost in tears. Sorry it wasn’t as dramatic as you wanted it to seem.

After my last post a few months ago, I wanted to come back and give an update/rant about my MIL.

Since my last post, things have continued to be rocky. MIL apologized (only to my husband) about some rude comments she made when she visited while my son was in the NICU, which I thought was at least partly a step forward.

My husband has made significant strides setting boundaries with MIL and has been direct and blunt with her when we visit: you can hold the baby, but don't walk away with him. If one of us asks for him back, you must give him back. If he cries, you must give him back.

Before he turned 3 months old, we were asking all visitors to wear masks at the recommendation of his pediatrician. We visited my in-laws shortly before he turned 3 months, choosing to go to them so that it was easier to leave if there was boundary-pushing instead of kicking them out of our home (or hearing more comments about how messy our house is). My husband laid down the boundaries as soon as we got there.

What he didn't say, because we didn't think we needed to, was don't kiss the baby, even with your mask on.

To no surprise of anyone here, MIL kissed the baby with her mask on. My husband and I responded immediately and told her not to do that, even with her mask on, to keep baby safe. She apologized and seemed genuine, so we did allow her to continue to hold baby. Then she asked to take her mask off for a quick photo holding him in her rocking chair (which she used with her own kids), and we said yes.

Again, to no surprise of anyone here (but to me and my husband for some reason), she kissed baby again, without her mask, on his face. I yelled at her not to do that and took baby back, and she claimed to have forgotten. We left shortly after, and did not see them for a month and half, at which point we did not allow anyone else to hold baby.

Recently, we were at a family baby shower. My husband called MIL ahead of time and reminded her again that she is not to kiss the baby, but that if she could agree to follow the rules she could hold him in our presence. My husband explained that we do not want him to get sick, especially because he was premature and we are nervous about him being hospitalized again. At no point did she apologize for kissing him previously. She verbalized understanding and agreed.

At the baby shower, I decided to start out wearing baby to keep him close to me (it was also his nap time when we got there). MIL and FIL greeted us and hugged us, which is fine. MIL then leaned down and kissed baby again. I immediately reprimanded her and said no, with her responding that "I only kissed his shirt!" and rolling her eyes at me.

She also made some stupid comments to other family members and friends who were joking that they'd love to hold baby, with MIL saying things like "If I can't hold him, neither can you!", to which my husband responded "Mom, you can hold him, you just can't kiss him."

There have also been recent instances where she implies we should have asked her to babysit instead of asking others--specifically, my sister and my mom who follow directions.

At this point, I'm pretty done with her. She's being a pouty, disrespectful monster who doesn't care about anyone but herself, and I don't care for her to have a relationship with my son. My husband is planning on calling her later this week to outline the problem and make it abundantly clear that we are angry and feel disrespected.

I posted the other day about my in laws coming in their RV and expecting us to visit them the first night.

Well the rest of the trip went about as expected. We did not speak, she didn’t say anything to me until today when she asked how much my daughter eats and finally if I recovered ok from my emergency c section 12 weeks ago.

As we were all sitting there she asks my husband to come for a photo with her and the baby. I sat there totally left out. While I hate her, it’s the blatant disrespect (and probably hormones) that upset me as well as pissed me off. I honestly left the room almost in tears…which has never happened.

I told my husband how it upset me so of course he goes out and says “let’s get one of all of us” to which she says she wants one (as they are getting their coats on and walking out the door after passing the baby to my husband to put in the crib). Makes total sense.

My response was “no. You got what you wanted” to which she called me a bitch.

This is only the second time I’ve heard my husband tell her off. But she kept on about how awful I am while hugging my husband telling him she loves him. I told her she can leave. My husband kept telling her it’s not ok what she did. She blames me for moving us further from them to be closer to my family and went on to say that now that I’m a mother I should understand. My response to that was I do understand, and I would never treat my daughters significant other this way. She was trying to tell me how great a person she is at the door and I just told her to drive safe and shut it in her face.

TL:DR of previous post: My (40m) FMIL, Gynie Granny (58f), having figured out I am financially well off, faked a cancer scare to get my SO (33f) to take her to a hospital appointment, only to ambush SO with an OB-GYN consult to reverse SO's tubal ligation, because SO needs to "pin down the meal ticket" by baby trapping me. SO was very distraught, had a screaming blowout with GG in the Doctor's office, left her at the hospital, and came home to me in tears. SO is worried that I might believe that she had anything to do with this, or think of me in this way, and, given the ease with which GG went to the baby trap, thinks that GG may have baby trapped FFIL with SO, way back when. Amusingly, GG has no idea I had a vasectomy years ago, prior to even meeting SO. Consensus was that Gynie Granny is eyeing up my bank account as her retirement plan.

On to this weekend. My SO's daughter, D (9f), has obviously figured out something is wrong, being as SO spent most of Friday crying, so we sat her down on Saturday morning for an age appropriate explanation. What came out then has tipped my SO out of tears and distress and into apocalyptic rage. I'm right there with her.

I created this throwaway back in December, when SO and D first moved in with me, to post in r/relationship_advice because I was a little bit uncomfortable with a sudden and massive increase in physical affection and cuddles from D when they moved in. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing sinister and I love that little girl like I didn't know was possible before, but I come from a family that is very low on physical affection, like "I think I got a handshake from my Dad once" level, so I needed to make an adjustment to this new normal. If you click on my profile, the post is still up. We ended up thinking it was just D settling in to the realisation that I was definitely a long term part of her life now, we drew a couple of boundaries like no getting into SO and I's bed without waking me up first, and thought it was all good.

Turns out we were wrong. Gynie Granny was behind this love-bomb from D to me. GG has been telling D that SO and I will probably kick D out to make room for our "new family" unless D is "super nice" and "does whatever OP wants". That poor girl has been scared she would get put up for adoption if she puts a foot wrong. I had to physically restrain my SO at this point from charging out of the house to confront Gynie Granny.

I spent most of Saturday reassuring both my girls. D and I spent a couple of hours on a little DIY project. I got out my chisels and wood-burning kit and we carved and burnt D's name into her bedroom door to reinforce the fact that she has a permanent place here. We let her know that between my vasectomy and SO's tubal ligation, we would never be having more kids and that D would be our only child. She called me Dad for the first time and I lost it, and wept more than SO and D combined.

Gynie Granny is in permanent NC. I don't see any way she could come back from this. SO and I have spoken to my cousin, who is a family law solicitor, and will be putting into place something that will ensure that Gynie Granny has no chance at custody should anything happen to SO, but that D would instead stay with me. SO and I discussed our future plans regarding engagement and adoption, but we want to get some distance from all of this mess so that GG's insanity doesn't taint what should be a happy loving thing. Although SO did read my earlier post and immediately pointed out that I had typed that we weren't engaged YET and did some gloating about that.

On Sunday I rang FFIL (65m) who is normally a very quiet man and the epitome of a guy who has checked out. He just goes to work and spends 90% of his free time in the garden shed. I laid everything out for him. Everything Gynie Granny has done to SO and D, SO's concerns that Gynie Granny had used SO as a baby trap for FFIL, SO's anger at GG, everything. I left it to him to tell GG that she was blocked everywhere and in permanent NC. I told him that if GG sets foot on my property the police would be called. I told him we were talking to a lawyer to change the custody setup away from him and GG, and to me, and gathering evidence for an Restraining/Protection Order. Whilst SO doesn't want to go full NC with him, she does want a break for a bit, so I told him that all communication would be going through me for a while, until she gets out of the rage reaction phase. He seemed stunned but OK with what we were doing, and we chatted for a while. When I mentioned that the lawyer was my cousin, he asked, in a fairly beaten down way, if she did divorces. I laughed, and told him if that was what he wanted, I'd get him the family discount. He took my cousin's number.

UPDATE: we maybe got an answer….but it doesn’t feel like an answer. It doesn’t seem like MIL did this, but they say a mail carrier decided he didn’t live here and put it in. They said this can happen if you leave mail in the box for too long. We’ve left mail a few days but our box has never gotten full. This seems off to me. What if we were on a short vacation? Or in the hospital (which we were for 4 days when our daughter was born-but that wasn’t an issue). It also was not our main mail carrier who submitted this as she seemed confused by it and told us to check for fraud. Also, why they only stopped his mail and not mine doesn’t make sense.

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Edit to add: We did file with USPIS to find out how this happened. Thanks to those who suggested this.

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We went full no contact 3 months ago and its been mostly peaceful outside of their attempts to get a response.

My husband has had various facebook posts made about how awful he is. He's been texted about how awful he is for not wishing her a happy mothers day. He received a 5 page word document all about how godly and religious his mother is and how we have done her wrong.

But the weirdest thing...

His mother sent a fathers day card which got sent back as "Return to sender. *husbands name* moved, no forwarding address." We know this because she sent a photo saying how awful he is for not opening the card she sent.

We were wondering how this could happen. We moved in October and I paid for mail forwarding services to our new address. We thought maybe the mail got picky because she left off "street" and possibly the zip code (unless it was under the sticker).

Then the other day I had an amazon package coming and it was addressed to my husband. It got marked undeliverable and return to sender - person moved. This got me curious. I called USPS and was told they weren't sure what was happening, they filed a claim, the local office called and said the old address isn't forwarding to our new address - but we told them this was mail addressed to the new address, so we were told they would look into it.

I left a note in our mailbox saying who lives at the house and to stop sending back our mail. I was lucky enough to catch our mail carrier and she told me she received a note that my husband no longer lives at the address. So packages are scanned and marked "return to sender" and she has to return all the mail.

She was going to cancel this request and apologized (it is definitely not her fault someone submitted that he no longer lives here), but she said it would have to have been submitted online.

My husband is going to go in Monday and talk to them to see if they can give an email/phone/etc that is tied to the request.

I would hope JNMIL isn't so stupid to mess with the mail - a federal offense - but I wouldn't put it past her.

This would have happened right around the fathers day card. So I'm thinking she did something to get it returned and have a reason to text my husband and ask why he wouldn't open it.

He's held strong and hasn't responded in months.

We honestly just can't think of how else this could have happened....

When I spoke to my parents about him being flagged as no longer living at the address, the first thing out of their mouths were "so JNMIL is messing with his mail."

If she did, I'm honestly open to pursuing charges for fraud or tampering with mail.

Who knows what mail hasn't been delivered in the past month. Luckily most bills for my daughters healthcare come to my name - but I'm unsure if we missed any bills or important notices.

I'm hoping its a glitch from USPS, but our last forward address we did in October was for BOTH of us together, this is specifically just my husbands name.

My response: “yes… and?” DH: “it just seems a little bit… unnecessarily cruel? Now she can’t see photos of the kids.” Me: “Man It’s almost as if treating someone badly means you can no longer get things from them. You can send her whatever photos you want but she can’t have access to me and my stuff anymore”.

ITS BEEN A WHOLE YEAR I HOPE YOU LOT REMEMBER ME!

That’s right, I’m the one with the JNMIL who demanded the devil eggs to be delivered on Christmas when I lived an hour away!! The one who made the BEST deviled eggs (spoiler alert: I’ve never once made deviled eggs in my life). Check out my post history.

Anyways my blissful one year of minimal to no contact has come to a hault. Let’s read the text messages:

MIL: “hello OP. I would like to inform you well In advance that we are expecting the deviled eggs for thanksgiving this year, we would like to avoid a repeat of last years Christmas.”

Me: “I’m sorry I wasn’t aware I was taking orders.”

MIL: “will you be bringing the deviled eggs?”

Me: “I have spoken with SO. We will be stopping by to see you all but no, I will not bring the eggs that I have never made before. I work a closing shift the night before so I wouldn’t have time to learn how to make them either anyways.”

MIL: “We were left disappointed last year and it seems you disappoint us again this year. Shame.”

Me: “who’s us? Not one person has asked me about these nonexistent eggs besides you. They’ve had a year to voice their disappointment.”

MIL: “The family.”

Me: If “the family” wants eggs so bad, “the family” can make it themselves.

MIL: “Please find the time to make the eggs. Thank you. See you on thanksgiving!”

Me: “no. See ya on Thanksgiving!”

I think I’m gonna bring a carton of store bought eggs when I get there. lol

An update! A successful one at that!

I had posted yesterday that my JNMIL was abruptly taking back the vehicle that my husband was using. It was agreed that we could use it indefinitely as long as we cared for and maintained it, which we did and very well I may add.

Immediately once I had heard the news I sprung into action (credit union approval, dealership research, everything) and found us a really great used vehicle! We completed the purchase of a really nice used minivan yesterday. My husband called her to let her know that we would be returning her vehicle to her today. She was absolutely livid!

It. was. AMAZING!

She said that we were stupid for buying a vehicle but could give us no reason why. She said that it was irresponsible to buy a vehicle (no it wasn't, we can definitely afford a car payment right now). She said that we were lying about what she said yesterday and that she clearly stated that she was going to sell the vehicle that we were using "at some point next year" (no she didn't). She was so mad she was screaming. Gaslighting on steroids. "How could you do this?!?"

Why such anger? Why such lying and disbelief? My theory is that us using that vehicle was the very last thing that she had to hold over us. A last little bit of power that she may have had. We owe her no money, we don't have anything of hers, we don't depend on her for anything. Feels liberating!

Now I know that you're going to be disappointed in me, but I did not take back the tires that we had put on the truck. Because this way she looks absolutely batshit insane to everyone, not just me. You see she has seven sisters and they have a really toxic crabs-in-a-bucket type of existence and a gossipy phone tree system. They talk every day and that is how my mother-in-law spreads her vile garbage all over. I know deep within my soul that she is going to call her sisters to tell them how terrible we are, how upset she is, how we're doing this to ruin her, and they will have no choice but to ask "What? Was the truck damaged? Did they come to you for a loan?" Nope. She'll have a perfectly maintained truck with very new tires and a ton of misplaced rage that she can't do anything with and no one will validate her for it. Because seriously, do you really have a leg to stand on when we return it to you in better condition than when we recieved it?

So, the meeting yesterday. A lot of people were telling me not to go, but I did.

First things first: Her new name is DressNapper. Thanks to u/veryrarelystable for that.

Also, to clear something up - They did not use my ID. This was clarified by the shipping company. What they did was compare my sister's face to the ID picture I sent, and asked some basic questions - name, D.O.B., current address, etc - to confirm. They have also made it mandatory to show the ID sent in the email, so this doesn't happen to other people.

FDH went with me to the meeting. He said any sign of bullshit, and he was walking out, bless his twinkling bright spine. We also decided to record everything from when we walked in.

Dad greeted us, and asked how I was actually feeling about this whole situation. I straight up told him that they better have an amazing apology and a fucking spectacular reason for pulling the bullshit, because they were both at risk for never seeing me again.

DressNapper and Sister were waiting at the table, and both looked pretty fucking ashamed. I sat as far away from them as possible, and FDH didn't sit at all. Much to my surprise, first thing out of DressNapper's mouth was a pretty sincere apology. She had gone to pick up the dress so she could send a picture to a tailor in the area that she has connections with who works with dresses for beauty pageants and has had his work shown in Miss Universe. She knew I wanted a corset back dress, and she was contacting him to see if he would be able to convert it from a zippered back. She had dropped the dress when she realised that the fabric she ordered from the bridal shop (they do their own in house alterations and such) was not with the dress and was looking in the box for it when I had stormed in looking for my dress. She then offered to get it dry cleaned and would pay for any damages that might have happened when she dropped the dress. Sister was just the transport for DressNapper, and apparently thought I knew that DressNapper was collecting the dress on my behalf. They had emails and time stamped pictures to prove what they were saying.

I told her that while I appreciated the thought of trying to arrange for someone to convert the dress for me, She should have let me be the one to collect my dress and allow me to open it. The two of them had already done everything related to getting married, this was MY special day. The two of them had already ruined going dress shopping, they had effectively ostracised FDH, they tried to bully me into a dress I didn't want while ignoring my choices and preferences. They were bit by bit ruining my wedding, and until they had sufficiently proved that they were willing to back the fuck off and let me have what I wanted, they were uninvited from the wedding. Sister is no longer my matron of honour, that would be going to a fucking sack of shit for all I care now. They were also only going to be told information that the other guests would be getting, again, until they've earned my trust back. This move, no surprise, caused many tears. What was surprising was that they accepted it, and said they would try to earn back my trust.

Dad questioned if he was still invited. I asked him if he knew about this fucking hair brained plan to boundary stomp all over my wishes. He said yes, and it wouldn't be 'right' for him to come without DressNapper. I told him that he could fuck right off too, and he was uninvited. I just stood after that and said "Don't contact me. If or when I am ready to reach out, I will."

FDH and I left right after that. The rest of the night was spent guzzling wine and getting lots of snuggles from FDH. He's been a trooper through all of this and has said that if we want to go to the courthouse and get married without anyone else, we can, so long as we're happy.

I'm getting a seamstress friend of mine to come over on the weekend and look over the dress. I've explained the situation, and she has agreed that anything, even a strained stitch, will get noted and priced accordingly for repair.

Here's hoping the info diet and uninviting works. Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.

Edit: Heard back from the tailor. Their story about getting photos for him was legit. He also said that he had no plans of doing anything on the dress without the bride’s permission, so there’s that. From the picture he sent me that DressNapper took, she had it held up on the hanger provided, with the dress in perfect condition. Time stamp: about 10 minutes before I arrived.

So one thing had definitely been ruled out - nobody wore the dress. Thank fuck.