Feeling confused and ashamed

[u/FalseMountain9527]

Throwaway because many of my friends are pro-Palestinian

I (F17) am of Senegalese and Spanish-Jewish origin. My mom is Muslim and my dad was Jewish but my parents broke up when I was younger( like 8 )and went no contact, so I’ve been out of touch with my Jewish heritage for what feels like forever ( and to be honest sometimes I feel like I’m not even Jewish because I know so little ) My mom never denied that part of me though and although my family is Muslim they’re very open minded, when I was little my younger cousin even wanted to convert to Judaism, but she could never help me get in touch with that part of me so I kind of scrambled to reclaim that side of my identity and that’s how I became fascinated with Israel.

When I was little no other kid knew what it was and my mom thought it was cute but that was all there was to it. Now since oct. 7 everyone my age knows about Israel but they’ve been very critical of it some even saying it shouldn’t exist and because of that I got into an argument with my best friend of literally ever. She (F19) was born and raised in Senegal and immigrated when she was like 12, her family gets along very well with mine so we used to spend all of our time together. Recently though she posted a story of those posters where they say stuff like Israel is starving ppl etc… and at first I didn’t really confront her because I figured she just didn’t know better,,, but when she came over for barbecue I decided I’d use this opportunity to explain to her the situation and she wouldn’t hear any of it.

I explained how important it was for Jewish people to have a place for them, a safe haven to practice our culture and just be who we are and she just ??? Disagreed ??? She told me something and that’s what stuck with me and why I’m feeling ashamed, she asked me : if tomorrow Afro Americans decided that the us aren’t safe enough for them anymore and decide to just settle in Senegal and people are moved out of their houses to make room and now the French army is back on the territory, would you support that ? And I was like well no but that’s because they’re Americans, they have their country and their culture and all that and then she asked me if my father didn’t also have that. She was like “is ur father just Jewish or is he Spanish AND Jewish?”

And yeah, my dad spoke to me in Spanish, and although I don’t remember it all too well, I do know that my family’s history is IN Spain, and ever since then I stopped talking to her and I’ve been feeling ashamed because now I’m questioning everything I believed in.

I’m not saying Israel doesn’t need to exist but I’m not sure I agree with the method used by the IDF? Our “safe haven” hasn’t know peace because who ever decided to cut the land didn’t do so equally and didn’t house people who were moved out and I feel like this isn’t our fault but idk I feel ashamed because I thought if I ever got the chance to become Israeli then I’d be a real Jewish girl but now I’m not even sure I want to visit the country anymore, and I do feel like my ancestry is to be upheld (??) but I feel like my friend was kinda right, that I already have a culture and now I’m thinking and I’m ashamed to think so but I genuinely believe that I’d rather work hard to be accepted among other Spaniards as both Spanish and Jewish than fight people for a land my family has no history or ties to, because at the end of the day antisemitism is the root of the problem. If for whatever reason we lose the war then I don’t want to feel unsafe but I don’t think Israel is what’s gonna keep us safe, it’s failed to do so so far and now everyone I know is against their methods in the war and I’m no longer sure they’re wrong to disagree I’ve spent so long fantasizing about meeting other Jewish people or like being accepted as such that I completely forgot that I could be Jewish, Senegalese AND Spanish.

This is really just word salad and English is not my first language, so please don’t be mean. I haven’t told my mom about it and I genuinely have like no Jewish friends so I have no one to talk to about this and I’m terrified that I’m just being antisemitic for questioning all that since I wasn’t raised as a like “proper Jewish person”?? I’m not even sure how to word it

[u/Iraqi_Tona]

You don’t sound antisemitic at all, just confused and searching for where you belong, which is super normal, Israel was created because Jews everywhere kept getting persecuted, even in places where they’d lived for centuries like Spain, That’s why so many see it as a lifeline, not just another country. It’s okay to have mixed feelings about politics and the war, but it doesn’t make your connection to Judaism or Israel any less real

[u/FalseMountain9527 → u/Iraqi_Tona]

But now I feel like I have no ties to Israel? Like I’d much rather reconnect with Jewish communities in Spain than go to Israel ( and I’m realizing this might sound awful ) but yeah, I think the war is what’s really making it hard. Everyone, even at school, they say different things when they talk about how it started and tbh I don’t think it matters anyway, but now I think I wish we could both exist ? Like yk as Israel and Palestine, I just hope my friends will see it that way too and just the world in general too

[u/LeoraJacquelyn → u/FalseMountain9527]

There's barely a Jewish community in Spain because they expelled us hundreds of years ago (part of my family included) and the Spanish are still hostile to Jews.

If you ever do want to visit Israel, feel free to reach out. I live in Haifa and would love to show you around. I also hope one day Israelis and Palestinians will have peace but everything feels pretty bleak right now.

[u/jacobningen → u/LeoraJacquelyn]

there was that brief Portuguese community in the 20th century as Sam Aronow recounts in his video Sefarad Revivus but other than that its typically Salonika, Turkey Austria Hungary Amsterdam and the Americas for the Sephardim post 1492.

[u/LateralEntry → u/FalseMountain9527]

I can tell you that if you ever do go to Israel, you’ll probably find a place that’s a lot different than the negative things you hear about it, and a place that’s home to many African Jews. However it’s your life, and if you feel more connected to other communities elsewhere that’s totally okay.