Feeling confused and ashamed

[u/FalseMountain9527]

Throwaway because many of my friends are pro-Palestinian

I (F17) am of Senegalese and Spanish-Jewish origin. My mom is Muslim and my dad was Jewish but my parents broke up when I was younger( like 8 )and went no contact, so I’ve been out of touch with my Jewish heritage for what feels like forever ( and to be honest sometimes I feel like I’m not even Jewish because I know so little ) My mom never denied that part of me though and although my family is Muslim they’re very open minded, when I was little my younger cousin even wanted to convert to Judaism, but she could never help me get in touch with that part of me so I kind of scrambled to reclaim that side of my identity and that’s how I became fascinated with Israel.

When I was little no other kid knew what it was and my mom thought it was cute but that was all there was to it. Now since oct. 7 everyone my age knows about Israel but they’ve been very critical of it some even saying it shouldn’t exist and because of that I got into an argument with my best friend of literally ever. She (F19) was born and raised in Senegal and immigrated when she was like 12, her family gets along very well with mine so we used to spend all of our time together. Recently though she posted a story of those posters where they say stuff like Israel is starving ppl etc… and at first I didn’t really confront her because I figured she just didn’t know better,,, but when she came over for barbecue I decided I’d use this opportunity to explain to her the situation and she wouldn’t hear any of it.

I explained how important it was for Jewish people to have a place for them, a safe haven to practice our culture and just be who we are and she just ??? Disagreed ??? She told me something and that’s what stuck with me and why I’m feeling ashamed, she asked me : if tomorrow Afro Americans decided that the us aren’t safe enough for them anymore and decide to just settle in Senegal and people are moved out of their houses to make room and now the French army is back on the territory, would you support that ? And I was like well no but that’s because they’re Americans, they have their country and their culture and all that and then she asked me if my father didn’t also have that. She was like “is ur father just Jewish or is he Spanish AND Jewish?”

And yeah, my dad spoke to me in Spanish, and although I don’t remember it all too well, I do know that my family’s history is IN Spain, and ever since then I stopped talking to her and I’ve been feeling ashamed because now I’m questioning everything I believed in.

I’m not saying Israel doesn’t need to exist but I’m not sure I agree with the method used by the IDF? Our “safe haven” hasn’t know peace because who ever decided to cut the land didn’t do so equally and didn’t house people who were moved out and I feel like this isn’t our fault but idk I feel ashamed because I thought if I ever got the chance to become Israeli then I’d be a real Jewish girl but now I’m not even sure I want to visit the country anymore, and I do feel like my ancestry is to be upheld (??) but I feel like my friend was kinda right, that I already have a culture and now I’m thinking and I’m ashamed to think so but I genuinely believe that I’d rather work hard to be accepted among other Spaniards as both Spanish and Jewish than fight people for a land my family has no history or ties to, because at the end of the day antisemitism is the root of the problem. If for whatever reason we lose the war then I don’t want to feel unsafe but I don’t think Israel is what’s gonna keep us safe, it’s failed to do so so far and now everyone I know is against their methods in the war and I’m no longer sure they’re wrong to disagree I’ve spent so long fantasizing about meeting other Jewish people or like being accepted as such that I completely forgot that I could be Jewish, Senegalese AND Spanish.

This is really just word salad and English is not my first language, so please don’t be mean. I haven’t told my mom about it and I genuinely have like no Jewish friends so I have no one to talk to about this and I’m terrified that I’m just being antisemitic for questioning all that since I wasn’t raised as a like “proper Jewish person”?? I’m not even sure how to word it

[u/BidSufficient8981]

It’s OK to be confused.

Where are you located?

Is there a Jewish center or synagogue anywhere near where you live that you could go and ask questions or go to enjoy a service – do you have a library that you can read some books about Judaism and about Israel?
Do you have a Chabad house anywhere in your city or area? (they are a Jewish organization with not except you as Jewish because it goes by your mother’s lineage, but they may be able to teach you a little bit and give you some guidance as to how to go about making this difficult decision.. They are in general, a very special group of Jewish people who are known for their kindness

If you have the funds ….. why not take a trip to Israel and see for yourself.

Honestly, I think that there is so much negative propaganda against Israel, and it has increased antisemitism . Hamas and their supporters have done an amazing job turning themselves into the victim when they were the ones who attacked Israel and the most ferocious sickening attack on mankind. They would twist everything so that you would think that Israel, which is a beacon of Hope and jumps to the aid of every country when they need help as in earthquake rescue and other emergencies and has turned out so many advances in technology and medicine and her and so many wonderful things to help the world…. But the enemies would have you believe that it’s a horrible devil of a country

Don’t listen to the bullshit propaganda. Go there and spend some time and talk to people and learn . Have you truly are destined to be Jewish? You will figure it out after spending time with many Jewish people in that country..

You may come away from it, not wanting to be Jewish after all either way, you will come with a love and new respect of the Jewish people .

I wish I lived in a place near you so I could give you a hug so you wouldn’t feel so alone .

I’m angry at your dad for abandoning you . I have a daughter who has a Muslim father and he abandoned her similarly.. so truly truly I understand you having so much curiosity and questions regarding the other half of you that you don’t know.

Keep reaching to learn . If you are living in the country that allows you to get a DNA test on one of those sites like ancestry.com or 23 and me.com, you may even come up with a connection to your Jewish side of the family .

And yes, you can be both Spanish and Jewish . Do you know the story of what happened to the Jewish people who lived in Spain in the 1400s . It’s called the Spanish inquisition . Google it and learn about it and maybe that will be a good beginning for you to understand what Jews have suffered through for so many years..