Feeling confused and ashamed

[u/FalseMountain9527]

Throwaway because many of my friends are pro-Palestinian

I (F17) am of Senegalese and Spanish-Jewish origin. My mom is Muslim and my dad was Jewish but my parents broke up when I was younger( like 8 )and went no contact, so I’ve been out of touch with my Jewish heritage for what feels like forever ( and to be honest sometimes I feel like I’m not even Jewish because I know so little ) My mom never denied that part of me though and although my family is Muslim they’re very open minded, when I was little my younger cousin even wanted to convert to Judaism, but she could never help me get in touch with that part of me so I kind of scrambled to reclaim that side of my identity and that’s how I became fascinated with Israel.

When I was little no other kid knew what it was and my mom thought it was cute but that was all there was to it. Now since oct. 7 everyone my age knows about Israel but they’ve been very critical of it some even saying it shouldn’t exist and because of that I got into an argument with my best friend of literally ever. She (F19) was born and raised in Senegal and immigrated when she was like 12, her family gets along very well with mine so we used to spend all of our time together. Recently though she posted a story of those posters where they say stuff like Israel is starving ppl etc… and at first I didn’t really confront her because I figured she just didn’t know better,,, but when she came over for barbecue I decided I’d use this opportunity to explain to her the situation and she wouldn’t hear any of it.

I explained how important it was for Jewish people to have a place for them, a safe haven to practice our culture and just be who we are and she just ??? Disagreed ??? She told me something and that’s what stuck with me and why I’m feeling ashamed, she asked me : if tomorrow Afro Americans decided that the us aren’t safe enough for them anymore and decide to just settle in Senegal and people are moved out of their houses to make room and now the French army is back on the territory, would you support that ? And I was like well no but that’s because they’re Americans, they have their country and their culture and all that and then she asked me if my father didn’t also have that. She was like “is ur father just Jewish or is he Spanish AND Jewish?”

And yeah, my dad spoke to me in Spanish, and although I don’t remember it all too well, I do know that my family’s history is IN Spain, and ever since then I stopped talking to her and I’ve been feeling ashamed because now I’m questioning everything I believed in.

I’m not saying Israel doesn’t need to exist but I’m not sure I agree with the method used by the IDF? Our “safe haven” hasn’t know peace because who ever decided to cut the land didn’t do so equally and didn’t house people who were moved out and I feel like this isn’t our fault but idk I feel ashamed because I thought if I ever got the chance to become Israeli then I’d be a real Jewish girl but now I’m not even sure I want to visit the country anymore, and I do feel like my ancestry is to be upheld (??) but I feel like my friend was kinda right, that I already have a culture and now I’m thinking and I’m ashamed to think so but I genuinely believe that I’d rather work hard to be accepted among other Spaniards as both Spanish and Jewish than fight people for a land my family has no history or ties to, because at the end of the day antisemitism is the root of the problem. If for whatever reason we lose the war then I don’t want to feel unsafe but I don’t think Israel is what’s gonna keep us safe, it’s failed to do so so far and now everyone I know is against their methods in the war and I’m no longer sure they’re wrong to disagree I’ve spent so long fantasizing about meeting other Jewish people or like being accepted as such that I completely forgot that I could be Jewish, Senegalese AND Spanish.

This is really just word salad and English is not my first language, so please don’t be mean. I haven’t told my mom about it and I genuinely have like no Jewish friends so I have no one to talk to about this and I’m terrified that I’m just being antisemitic for questioning all that since I wasn’t raised as a like “proper Jewish person”?? I’m not even sure how to word it

[u/Rock_n_Roll_1224]

I totally sympathize because my sister is exactly how your describe your cousin, and she was my best friend. I can barely talk to her now because she only wants to rant about how evil Israel is.
I would highly recommend watching some pieces by Haviv Retig Gur (on youtube) -- he's an Israeli journalist, and covers history and Zionism exceptionally.
A few points for you to consider:
(1) There were between 60 and 200 million people displaced in the wake of WWII. It doesn't make the displacement of any particular group worse or better, it's just a fact. All of them have found homes except, for some strange reason, the group of 700K Arabs that left Israel after the partition and then astonishingly grew into a population of 14.5 million that currently identify as Palestinian.
(2) 70% of the British Mandate became Jordan, but does anyone have a problem with Jordan's existence?
We could go on and on with history lessons but really, just watch Haviv, he does an amazing job of explaining the past 100 years and how that led us to today.
To your feelings of illegitimacy -- this is frankly part of a plot to undermine Jewish and Israeli heritage and deny our history. It's BS. No one would dare do this with any other minority group. Saying that you are Ashkenazi, or Spanish, also misses the main point that Jews are a nation, a family. If you wanted, you could do a DNA test and trace your ancestry (I did, and using Illustrative DNA I can find my origins in the Levant). But being forced to defend your claim to Israel is so low class. If someone converts, they should be no different from someone who is adopted into a family. They are part of ALL of the family. And given how hard it is to convert, they deserve to inherit the family legacy.
On the flip side of your cousin's scenario of "why should Jews return to Israel?" are the people chanting "return the Jew to Poland," or "return the Jew to Spain." Guess what happens in those countries? The Inquisition, the Holocaust. Jews didn't invent Judaism in Spain, they fled to Spain after Roman conquest of their land. So play the long game of "return to your origins" and you will find your ancestors in Israel. In this master game of chess, where do all the displaced people from all of human history go? Why should Israel be the only country under such scrutiny of legitimacy, only because she is forced to defend herself from neighboring rulers who are bent on her destruction? (To be clear: I blame Hamas, and don't pretend to speak for all of Gaza.)
My final point -- the main reason that Palestinians, and all Muslims for that matter, claim the land of Israel, is that their religion was founded on Judaism. They therefore find roots in the exact same heritage as Jews, except they believe they did it better. The Dome of the Rock, built atop the Second Jewish Temple, is an incredibly holy site in Judaism. What is the Dome except for complete cultural misappropriation? But no one calls it that because, frankly, Jews. In my ideal world, we would find and celebrate our common ground and share it all—YES, between the river and the sea. But try to find a Jew in the Middle East outside of Israel and you will find why sharing isn't even a whisper of a dream.
I would love for you to learn some history, and for this to strengthen both your love and your faith. You can be Jewish anywhere. Israel doesn't have to exist. But no one has a right to erase part of your heritage and part of your identity and replace it with a fabricated history. Jews comprise 0.2% of the world population and if we cannot hold fast to our own truth and history, then apparently no one else will do it for us.