Therapist Said Being Molested 'Makes Sense' For Me

[u/Federal_Love_931]

Hi, everyone. It's my (32M) first time posting here, but probably won't be my last. I even made a throwaway for the occasion. Before I say anything else, I want to be clear — I don't know I was sexually assaulted. If it *did* happen, it happened when I was young enough to forget or repress the memory. I have no way of proving it happened. I asked my mother, and she denied anything ever happened. Any authority figures who might have (and likely did) intervene to stop it are either dead or senile (Alzheimer's).

But for years, I've suspected I was molested by a woman (most likely either a teacher or another student) when I was in grade school. There are certain inconsistencies and strange emotional reactions I remember having as a young boy. As I've grown up, I've developed several strange sexual interests. I have an interest in older women, muscular women, and being beaten. I used to frequent a certain erotic roleplaying website, where I would always ERP as a young woman in a 'grooming relationship' with an older woman.

My girlfriends also tend to have very specific personalities — cold, almost emotionless but empathetic. I also feel 'safer' when my partner feels less affection for her than I do.

After years of struggling with this, I finally decided to get therapy. During my intake session, I explained all of this to my (potential) therapist, and he said that my issues and background 'make sense' for someone who had experienced sexual assault at a young age.

Like I said, I've often felt this was the case, but hearing it from a professional made me feel like it was no longer just in my head, or something I made up to make sense of my life. I really don't know how to feel about this. I'm scared that I'll never be happy, unless I can find a relationship with a woman who is willing to do CNC, with me as the 'victim' in that RP.

What should I do? How should I feel? Does it even make sense for me to feel like I *was* molested, since I have no way of ever knowing for certain?

[u/werrebearr]

It does make sense for you to feel this way! That’s how many survivors of sexual abuse, especially at such an early age, feel for years.

For many survivors, it isn’t our minds that remember but our bodies. And it sounds like your body remembers the trauma. Keep talking it out and exploring this with your therapist. And whenever you feel ready, and this could take years and that is totally okay, I highly recommend seeking out csa survivor groups.

I’ve personally known I was sexually abused since my therapist helped me put it together, much like you described. I struggled for years thinking I made it up, and even after I started to remember things it still took me years to truly face it. But I’m facing it now. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it does get better. You will be truly happy again, and you’re not alone.

[u/yeahyaehyeah]

It makes sense for you to feel that way, and at one point in time I struggling with something similar until the repressed memories or no longer repressed.

[u/AngryGoose]

I just want validate that feeling of not being sure. I feel the same way. There are so many things that I do remember that would surround the act, but I don't remember it actually happening.

I started developing "strange" fetishes when I was a young teen. Similar to yours I would be "submissive" in the relations with an older person, man or woman but I mostly fantasize about men, probably because I'm mostly gay.

I asked my therapist if he does repressed memories and he said no. He stated that any therapist worth their salt would never do this since he believes we do block things out for a reason, that the psyche can't handle certain things.

[u/Expert-Finding2633]

Your symptoms, especially "developed several strange sexual interests," I call it a strange attraction to taboo stuff; it doesn't make sense.

things that don't make sense

certainly a marker

and having a particular interest in older muscular women, specific interests

It is possible to bury memories; it's not like they are forgotten, although if you are very young, I have few memories when I was young, I might have wiped out a lot of my trauma, I had a very cruel 1st grade teacher, I got kicked out and had to repeat, with the same cruel teacher, they had two in my small town, but they gave me the cruel one again, I shut down, it broke my spirit and left me more vulnerable when I was in 6th grade,

Hopefully, those who were abused at a younger age and have recovered memories can give you their input, but I can tell you that abuse twists us sexually.

Therapy can help, I'm doing EMDR now, just started really, but I have hope.

But left untreated, trauma only gets worse.

Anyway, your symptoms, I don't see how you can have those symptoms without having been abused as a child

I'm on my second therapist, my first therapist asked if I wanted to change, and I was hearing about EMDR, so I asked and got a woman therapist.

For me, it was more comfortable; maybe she's just more equipped and empathic.

Read about EMDR. I think it helps remember memories, but I'm not sure. It's early, and there's more to it than that.

I did my best to disassociate, turn my mind off, and it lasted for hours.

But my sister, who was also abused as a child, was just moments traumatized; she's had several different therapists. Women tend to seek therapy more than men, just my impression.

[u/struggling-2015]

upbeat direction cooperative wakeful consider dinner arrest connect narrow safe

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/Sensitive_Buffalo416]

Thank you for sharing. That’s very difficult and I dealt with similar things too.

It sucks but you may never fully recall. I have a lot of gaps and questions that I don’t think I’ll ever answer definitively. At some points in time I’ve been pretty obsessed with it. Some of that was to prove to myself that I went through enough to call it abuse, or that I have a reason I’m so broken.

That was a step in the PTSD process, I guess, but hopefully not one to be in forever. Validating my emotions was more important than proving something in the end….I think, so far at least.

Being abused made me constantly doubt myself and recovering from that abuse involves me trusting myself more and not fighting to prove something.

And I agree with other people—the memory is often in the body. I can have therapy sessions doing body work and just thinking of one thing and moving a muscle a certain way can flood my brain with unexpected details.

[u/hhardin19h]

“As I've grown up, I've developed several strange sexual interests. I have an interest in older women, muscular women, and being beaten“ this isnt strange hun! you like what you like and thats ok❤️❤️

[u/Federal_Love_931 → u/hhardin19h]

I don't like how it's rooted in trauma, and it's also started to verge into an outright fetish; Given the opportunity, I'll fantasize about muscular women instead of anything else. I'm currently seeing an amazing woman (F31), who I'm incredibly attracted to on multiple levels... That's really helped me, since she isn't particularly muscular at all (although I really like her overall build), and it's helped me disconnect from the muscle-girl kink... but I don't want my girlfriend to feel or think I "need" muscular women for my arousal. She's aware of my past and issues, and I know that when her anxiety gets the better of her, she worries that I'm not attracted enough to her, which is not the case at all.