Tuesday Check In: How's Everybody's Mental Health?

[u/MLModBot]

Good day, everyone and welcome to our weekly mental health check-in thread! Feel free to comment below with how you are doing, as well as any coping skills and self-care strategies others can try! For information on mental health resources and support, feel free to consult our resources wiki (also located in the sidebar!) (IMPORTANT NOTE RE: THE RESOURCES WIKI: As Reddit is a global community, we hope our list of resources are diverse enough to better serve our community. As such, if you live in a country and/or geographic region that is NOT listed/represented but know of a local resource you feel would be beneficial, then please don't hesitate to let us know!)

Remember, you are human, it's OK to not be OK. Life can be very difficult and there's no how-to guide for any of this. Try to be kind to yourself and remember that people need people. No one is a lone island and you need not struggle alone. Remember to practice self-care and alone time as well. You can't pour from an empty cup and your life is worth it.

Take a moment to check in with a loved one, friend, or acquaintance. Ask them how they're doing, ask them about their mental health. Keep in mind that while we may not all be mentally ill, we all have mental health.

If you find yourself in particular struggling to go on, please take a moment to read and reflect on this poem.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This mental health check-in thread is NOT a substitute for real-world professional help/support. MensLib is NOT a mental health support sub, and we are NOT professionals! This space solely exists to hold space for the community and help keep each other accountable.

[u/ElectricProcession]

It certainly seems there's no shortage of those who feel troubled by their apparent lack of attractiveness to women. I too am one of such people. But my story is perhaps slightly more interesting, as I'm AMAB but wouldn't say that I'd be a cis man.

So prior to my coming out as a genderqueer trans femme, I didn't have any luck with women until finally lost virginity seven years ago. Age 34. Better late than never. That's when I was starting to explore my identity a little bit more and it did help that I was able to experiment with my gf's clothes and even find a couple of items for myself, some of these I still like to wear!

Fast forward to when I was able to explore the queer nightlife and other social life being out as trans post-Covid (I know that's a relative term, I just mean that public events were running again with regularity) a bit more. For a while I had a pretty good run of being attractive to some queer women and being able to make out with them on the dance floor. I even experimented with kissing dudes a couple of times, at least one of them I liked bc. he was androgynous enough for my sensibilities.

Obviously none of it materialised into anything more, much to my relative disappointment. But even more disappointingly, that female attention has now dried up. I took a bit of a break from attending drag shows this summer, and then last weekend I was able to go to a free show (which did solicit donations, I did provide some).

There, a couple of people whom I had made out with in the past, they found each other and the electricity between them was staggering. Of course they were just going for each other and I stood there feeling a wave of depressive envy wash over me. This served to underscore just how unattractive and undesirable I've come to feel over the past year or so.

As a result, I was like, is it even worth for a middle-aged bloke like me to put on a mini-skirt and knee-high boots and pretend that I feel sexy that way? I mean, sure, I might feel excited when I do this at the privacy of my bedroom, but the kind of women that I'm hoping to be receptive to that, they very well might think that I'm just a creepy crossdresser that fails to appeal to anyone.

Guess the only way I can resolve the seeming tension between feeling sexy while dressed as a fashionable woman whilst not appearing attractive enough to queer women is that...maybe that's just my autism/neurodivergence showing. Devon Price has this book called "Unmasking Autism" and he points out that a lot of autistics tend to be on the kinky side sexually. Like, some of them like bondage because they really like the sensory sensations of ropes and whatnot on their bodies.

Maybe I'm the same way with short dresses, stockings and boots? I like how they feel on my body and I'm able to rock that stuff with some confidence. But still, I'm too neurodivergent and socially anxious that for me it just makes sense that someone like me is better able to explore any of this on my own than with any consenting adult. Definitely easier to find sexual fulfilment outside solo sex when you're just a neurotypical vanilla straight cis guy, anyone else is going to have at least some issues, which can be surmounted to varying degrees.

Will I die as a useless transbian? Or might I be able to turn it round somehow? Or would it be enough to just find therapeutic solutions to my needing external validation so much? Who knows. Anyway, I'm defnitely focusing on getting the ADHD diagnosis and meds, one trans guy actually told me that prior to the meds, he was also socially kind of anxious, but became more talkative after getting on these meds. So maybe there's hope for me on a broad social level?

[u/HeroPlucky → u/ElectricProcession]

Hey fellow neuro diverse person here, I have certainly struggled with self image and peoples perception too. I dunno if social masking verses unmasked indentity is factor for you as well but that adds extra complications to the equation.

Studies suggest how we see ourselves has huge factor on dating and relationships, which I think is empowering because building up confidence and changing how we view ourselves could be really helpful on multiple fronts.

I think when it comes to clothes and expression, I don't think you have to pick one approach. Though I think it helps to pick approaches that work for you as a person. If you want to wear clothes you comfortable and rock in that sounds great. If you want to mix up and dress in another style because you want to fit a certain style or aethestic that is also great. It isn't race to know ourselves or get to know the people we are growing into or becoming. I think it is often kind to not put as much pressure on ourselves, I know easier said then done.